Housebroken (2021) s01e01 Episode Script

1
I think
it's important to remember
just because
you had a bad day
doesn't mean you're a bad dog.
You're a good dog, Elsa.
You're a good dog.
- Good dog.
- I prefer not to be limited
by the good-dog/bad-dog binary.
It's a spectrum,
and I live somewhere
between compliant and frisky.
You know,
I think I'm somewhere
- between not a dog and a cat.
- I'm all cat, baby.
- Domestic in the shack, feral in the sack.
- Yuck.
If The Gray One
is done humiliating himself
- Never.
- I have a share.
I've been thinking about the
untimely loss of Big Cookie,
our furry friend
and group member,
And it's brought up a lot
of feelings about myself.
- Will I ever find love again?
- [barking]
Come back here,
you stinking tree rats!
Or am I destined to a life
of random backyard trysts?
Oh, you think
you can hide from me?
Nameless, faceless encounters
under the trampoline.
I know you're around here
somewhere.
- Just pounding, pounding away in darkness.
- Whoa.
Chief, you're not supposed to
be in here during group.
Come on out.
I eat furry little freaks
like you for breakfast.
I know you're not talking to me.
Aha! I see you nut hustlers,
and I'm coming for you!
Dude, you know the squirrels are
on the other side of the [grunts]
Glass.
[squirrels chattering]
Go on, Shel.
You were pounding,
pounding away in the dark?
[upbeat rock music]
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
Ruff, ruff, ruff,
ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
♪♪
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff,
ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
♪♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
[music crescendos]
♪♪
[laughing]
We're frolicking!
Frolicking hard!
Go long!
I got it!
Luckily, I'm a mer-dog.
[whimsical music]
♪♪
- [yelps]
- Ah!
I'm so sorry,
I thought you were a
A ball?
I know you [bleep] mer-dogs
- think everything's a [bleep] ball.
- Jellyfish are so angry.
- Big Cookie?
- Goodbye, Honey.
Big Cookie,
where are you going?
My ride's here.
Say goodbye, Honey.
No! Come back!
♪♪
I can drive and stick
my head out the window?
This is heaven!
[whimpering]
Big Cookie, come back.
[snoring]
- [sighs] Chief, wake up.
- Yeah, what? I'm up.
[grunts]
Listen, I had that dream again.
Not the one where I'm human,
- but I can still poop anywhere
- Uh-huh.
But the one where
I'm a gorgeous mer-dog,
and Big Cookie drives away
in the heaven car.
- Uh-huh.
- Wonder what it means.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, you know,
I had a dream last night.
- Really?
- Yeah, I mean,
it's kinda hard to remember
all the details,
but the basic gist of it was
[farts]
- [laughs]
- I walked right into that one.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I actually really did
have a dream last night.
Oh, for real?
Okay, wow, what was it?
- [farts]
- That one was my fault.
- [farts]
- All right, now it's too much.
[farts]
Okay, let's wrap up the fart jokes.
Actually those stopped
being jokes two farts ago.
I've heard Jill tell her patients
that sometimes a dream
is just a dream,
but this one
has to mean something
- Hey, you're a dog! I'm a dog!
- We're dogs.
[laughs]
Dogs.
Well, that's a good point,
but I still think
there's a deeper meaning.
Wait, I know what it is!
Now that Big Cookie's
in the heaven car,
there's an open spot on the couch!
It's time to introduce
a new member to the group!
Nailed it!
[warm music]
- Run free!
- Ooh, ooh.
Mine.
Mine.
Mine. Mine.
Mine.
And mine.
[laughs]
Who could benefit
from some therapy
but also not scoot on Jill's rug?
You wanna get in on this?
[laughs]
Me?
No. [chuckles]
I'm flattered, but no.
Bingo.
Oh, wait, that's not his name.
It's Diablo.
It's not the same here
without Big Cookie, huh?
- No.
- I know you lost your best friend,
but you've still got
your vest friend.
- I'm talking about me.
- I got that, Elsa. Yeah.
I'm free now if you want
to dig into the trauma
of your sudden
and devastating loss.
Oh, that's okay.
I'm actually good, thanks.
You're not, but I'm here
when you're ready.
[whispers] Poor thing.
- Hey, Diablo.
- Oh, hey, Honey.
Are you tired of having
complicated emotions
and not knowing
how to process them?
No, but I am scared
of the toaster.
Perfect, a spot has
opened up in my group
if you're interested in joining.
- Will there be toasters there?
- One.
But I'll make it stay
in the kitchen.
[humming]
Well, well, well.
Who is that?
Just about
the most fetching tortoise
I've ever laid eyes on.
Oh, my goodness,
my heart is all aflutter.
Dare I introduce myself?
Greetings, I
Oh, wait, no, no!
I shall return!
[upbeat music]
Okay, sweeties, see you tonight.
[laughs]
Oh, my God.
This is it!
She's leaving us forever
like she does every day!
And Bubbles,
stay out of the liquor cabinet.
And they say women
aren't funny.
[munching]
I'm just not ready
for a new member.
Yes, it feel too soon
to replace Big Cookie.
- Yeah, Tabitha's right.
- Agreeing with Tabitha's
not gonna get you
into her fur, man.
I hear you, guys, but
Big Cookie was my best friend,
and you know what she'd say
about moving on.
[Australian accent] Aw, it's about time.
Good on, ya!
Why are you making her Australian?
Listen, mama, we don't
wanna open our safe space
to some random wire-haired
sweater wearing half-breed.
I haven't really been
to therapy before.
Do the sessions
always start like this?
- I would like to flag
- Here we go.
That I was triggered when
Max used the term "half-breed."
So can we please use the term
"Mosaic Canine"?
I'm triggered by the fact
that you look like a piñata
mated with a loaf of bread.
Well, you look like a
[stammers]
- Honey!
- Bubbles, can you please
keep your comments to yourself?
You're not an official
member of the group.
Oh, right,
let me just move my bowl.
Why don't we all
go around the room
and tell Diablo
a little bit about ourselves.
This is why
I dread new members.
I'm Honey, I'm passionate
about working on myself,
and peanut butter.
Uh, same re: peanut butter.
Uh, crazy.
I never talked about that.
Um, I'm Elsa, service dog.
Thank you.
Uh, I answer to she/her/hers
and [whistles]
And I'm kind of the unofficial
co-leader of the group.
- She's not!
- Nope.
Well, I'm Max. I belong to
a big, famous movie star.
These guys know
I can't reveal his identity,
the NDA and all, but let's
just say his name was Ocean,
and he had 11 friends.
And then 12.
And then 13.
And then he had 8, and they
were all chicks. Okay, I'm done.
I'm Tabitha,
Pretty Kitty Kitty Litter's
"Prettiest Kitty"
2010 to 2014.
I'm The Gray One.
I live with a nice lady
and anywhere from 40
to 60 other cats.
[all meowing]
And I know every word to
the movie, "In Her Shoes."
I'm Chico. I have a
really happy, healthy
relationship with my best
friend and owner, Kevin,
and when he leaves,
I eat uncontrollably,
but when he comes back
I'm fine,
so I'm just here for maintenance.
My name is Nibbles, and I'm
mourning the loss of my mate.
- She killed him and ate his face!
- It was self-defense!
Maybe. Tchotchke?
Adorable.
So, Diablo, why don't you tell
us a little bit about yourself?
I feel like you weren't
picking up what I was
laying down earlier
about my human, right?
Any guesses?
He was the best Batman.
- He owns a tequila company.
- Guys! [panting]
Sorry I'm late.
I have incredible news.
As you know,
it's been 15 years since
Uh, who's this?
- Ignore him.
- Okay.
It's been 15 years since my
sweet Darla's disappearance,
and I have often wondered
if my chance for happiness
- vanished with her.
- Uh, Shel, we have a new member,
and it's his turn to share.
I've met someone!
Yeah!
Her shell is the most
exotic shade of brownish.
But I fear it may be too soon
for me to get back out there.
Feedback?
You shouldn't feel guilty.
Darla is probably dead.
- Yeah, you should hit that.
- I agree.
Okay, Diablo,
let's hear from you now.
- Okay, um
- My human's got new kitten!
Tabitha!
We'll get to you after Diablo.
- 'Kay?
- Okay. Her name is Kit Kat.
She's getting lot, lot attention.
And you know, I get it,
she's cute,
she fit in a drinking glass.
You know what I used to fit into?
A shot glass.
[grunts]
[meows]
It hurt, but I did it.
You know why?
Because it was cute, people love it.
But now, it's like I'm invisible.
- I might as well be Chico.
- I'm sorry, what?
Wow, everybody has
so much to talk about today.
Kind of wish we could have
discussed some of this last session
when we spent an hour trying
to describe the color green.
I still say it's bumpy.
Okay, well,
we're not going back there.
What what I'd like to do is
make our new member feel welcome.
Diablo, why don't you jump in
- and tell us a little bit about your
- Yes, the coyote sightings.
Oh, is that what
I was gonna talk about?
- Yes. How's everybody coping?
- Elsa, please!
Wait, there's a coyote
in the neighborhood?
All the raccoons
are talking about it.
My cousin ran off with a coyote.
Completely blew up her life,
and now she lives with him
in the wild.
I don't even think
she knows about my vest.
Ran off into the wild?
Like an animal?
That is so [chuckles]
dangerous.
You know what?
Let's table the coyote
discussion for now
and let Diablo have the floor
for the remainder of the session.
Okay, well, um, my humans
are getting a divorce
Sorry, I've gotta flag it.
We're out of time.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no.
That that's fine.
It's George Clooney!
I live with George Clooney!
God, what the hell
is wrong with you?
[sighs]
[upbeat music]
- [growls]
- Ow!
I can't believe how rude
they were to Diablo.
They weren't even open
to him at all.
Talk about not being open.
Ow.
It's time for us all to move on.
Oh, he's always liked you better.
[munching]
Thank God Jill's never
plopped some stupid goldfish
in my bowl and expected me
to live happily ever after.
You've got a lot of anger
packed into that
squishy fish body of yours.
- I can help you with that.
- Gross.
[snoring]
- [yawns]
- [grunts]
[howling]
[dramatic music]
♪♪
[gasps]
The coyote.
Wait, all I have to do
is spend the night
in this haunted,
chicken flavored mansion,
and it's all mine?
[laughs] Okay.
[upbeat music]
So you guys know
I'm totes kewl,
but it is three minutes past
the starting time, and we
Yeah, no, I know what time
it is, Elsa. I can smell.
I was hoping Diablo
was just running late
because he got pinned
under a leaf or something,
but it's clear
he's not coming today,
- and I think I know why.
- He sucks!
No, I think it has
more to do with the way
- he was treated.
- I can't stay silent any longer!
The session haven't even
started yet.
I took your advice
and made an overture
towards my potential paramour.
But it turns out, um,
I misinterpreted the situation.
I could get lost in those eyes.
I feel we both want
the same thing,
but please let me know
if I'm misreading your signals.
[moaning squeakily]
[funky music]
Falling for you
♪♪
- Huh?
- She was a shoe?
A Croc, to be specific.
I didn't realize
until after we made love.
That seems late.
You're the ones
who told me to hit that,
and I did, hard.
Well, okay, we didn't exactly
have all the information.
Dude, I like this for you.
I've been waiting 15 years
someone to look at me
the way I thought that Croc
was looking at me.
The reminds me of a story
that Leo DiCaps once told me
about a flip-flop.
- Miami Film Festival
- No, N-O!
Every session,
all I do is listen to you,
- but do I ever get a turn?
- Feels like she does.
I don't, Tabitha. Yes, I heard
your very loud stage whisper.
The way you treated
Diablo last time
- was not okay.
- Not okay!
- Elsa, not now!
- Not now!
We're supposed to be here
for each other.
We were all here for Tabitha
when Stelios dyed her hot pink,
for Elsa when her owner
left her at the Fyre Festival,
and for Max when he farted
on Dame Judi Dench. [farts]
And we should have
been here for Diablo.
He needed us.
Well, the group was
already a little dog heavy.
And we need him
to fill Big Cookie's spot.
With all due respect,
Doctor Honey,
we told you we weren't ready
for a new member.
- And you ignored us.
- I'm still processing.
- Can we get back to me?
- ALL: No!
Tchotchke's upset!
I think you were doing
what was best for you
and not what was best for us.
I expect that kind of crap
from my humans and Elsa,
- but not from you.
- Me?
- And Max.
- No, Nibbles is the worst.
All right, I did it!
I killed them!
- I killed them all!
- That's hot.
So I'm hearing that you all
don't trust my judgment
on this one,
and if I've lost everyone's trust,
then I can't help you.
You know where
the doggie door is.
Kitchen, right?
Mmm, I won't lie.
The other night was magical,
but we both know
that this will never work
[crying]
I promised myself I wouldn't cry!
You awakened a part of me
[sobbing]
But it's not fair to you
so, bye.
[dramatic music]
[barking]
[growls]
Hey, do you wanna play
"It's-my-ball-no-
it's-my-ball-no-it's-my-ball?"
Oh, I would love to,
but I am swamped.
There's a bee in this flower.
A real jerk too.
He's all, "Bzzz, bzzz, bzzz."
Thinks he's so great.
Okay, well,
just don't get stung.
[laughs] Okay, yeah, I think
I know a little something
about bees and flowers,
thank you very much.
But hit me up again
about ball later.
[barking]
- [crying]
- Can Big Cookie hear us?
[crying]
- I don't know, sweetheart.
- Why don't we just get a new dog?
We can't move on
until we say goodbye.
[somber music]
[crying]
[sighs]
- Oh, I get it now.
- There's been an escalation! [buzzing]
[all screaming]
Get the EpiPen!
[upbeat music]
Well, thank you all for coming
- to this emergency session.
- It wasn't convenient.
I want to apologize for
the way things ended last time.
You guys were right,
I pushed Diablo on you
before you were ready
because I thought
replacing Big Cookie
would be easier than saying goodbye.
Would that be considered
denial or bargaining?
I'm just trying to gauge
how many stages of grief
you have left.
I've got places to be.
Ah, thank you
for your sensitivity, Max.
This shouldn't take long.
[chuckles]
Um, losing Big Cookie
illuminated some things
in my own life that I need to
[grunting]
Express!
And I'm sad
that she's not here
for me to talk to.
- You can talk to us.
- Or just me.
I mean, why else are we here?
It's not for the snacks,
'cause I don't see any!
There will never be snacks.
Just drop it.
[yelps]
Thank you, Tchotchke.
Aw, okay.
Anyone else wanna share?
- I'm good.
- I have fully processed the situation.
"The Fault in Our Stars"
was on last night,
- so I'm all cried out.
- Really?
In mourning Big Cookie,
I've learned that life,
no matter how
excruciatingly long, is short.
So I'm not going to pass up
a chance for happiness.
- I want to make a life with Lindsay.
- Who?
The Croc.
That's what I named her.
And look, I don't care
if she is a shoe.
In fact, maybe it's a plus!
As a petroleum-based
foam resin,
not only will she never die,
she'll never biodegrade.
Yeah, so thank you, Honey, for
steering me in the right direction.
Shel, I'm not sure I was
Yeah, you're welcome.
- Oh, sorry I'm late, guys.
- Diablo!
My schedule has been
14, 15, 16 crazy!
So what's up?
- Diablo, I want to apologize.
- Diablo, I want to apologize.
- Don't do that.
- Got it.
Diablo, I want to apologize
on behalf of the group.
You didn't get to share
because we failed you.
These sessions are meant
to provide a safe place,
an oasis of calm
[loud thumping]
An oasis
[loud thumping]
An oas an o
[loud thumping]
An oasis of calm
so you can feel your feelings!
Drop the stick!
What?
You have to drop the stick
to get through the door.
Oh, okay, got it.
[heavy breathing]
[grunts]
What?
Two sticks?!
Anyway, we apologize,
and we understand
why you didn't come
to the session yesterday.
We had a session yesterday?
Oh, I totally spaced.
This new custody arrangement
is so confusing.
So we didn't hurt your feelings?
Because we really
didn't want you here.
Are you kidding?
You guys are my best friends.
- Oh, that's sad.
- Kevin is my best friend.
Diablo, welcome to the group.
[warm music]
♪♪
Goodbye, Big Cookie.
You like to get weird?
- Excuse me?
- You heard me.
Uh, no, thank you.
Dogs aren't allowed on the
beach after 5:00! Scram!
[upbeat music]
[munching]
It was a real tail-wagger
of a group today.
- Hey, are you gonna finish your food?
- And it, uh, got me thinking.
Uh, would you ever consider,
I don't know, um,
joining the group?
- So you are gonna finish, or
- Yes, I am,
and I mean, we've been
living together a long time,
and it might help us, you know,
spice things up, uh,
and, um, connect on a
Ooh, I'm gonna go see
if I can connect
with some of Jill's Lean Cuisine.
Well, you heard "connect."
That's a win.
[howling]
[dramatic music]
♪♪
Oh, well.
[gasps]
[funky music]
♪♪
Hey, you!
Get out of here!
This is my house!
My house!
[laughs]
Yeah!
Did you see that?
I scared the hell out of
[heaving]
Oh, God, I think I gotta barf.
No, I'm okay.
[laughs]
[vomiting]
Oh, I threw up.
I feel better.
[heavy breathing]
- Hey, are you okay?
- Yes, thank you.
Aw, no, come on.
Anytime, babe.
- Don't do it.
- What?
No.
What?
No, I'm just making sure
the coyote's gone.
Come on.
I'll see you in there.
[munching]
Aw, still warm.
[laughs]
[upbeat music]
♪♪
- Jellyfish, jellyfish, ball.
- Wrong!
Ugh, why are mer-dogs
so [bleep] stupid?
You know, I can help you
with that anger.
[funky music]
♪♪
Oh, my
Oh, yeah, baby.
Aren't you
a little far from home?
- The sea is my home.
- No, it's not.
- Hey, Honey?
- Chief!
Hey, what's the bathroom
situation down here?
Because I already went.
[majestic harp music]
You know you're not
supposed to be in my dreams.
You just made it
sound so cool down here.
[laughs]
Hey, look what I can do.
[laughs]
Oh!
[scarfing]
[stomach rumbles]
Oh, uh-oh.
- Aw, Chief.
- Hey, it's your dream, baby.