How to Ruin Love (2024) s01e01 Episode Script

Will you marry me?
[singing]
[distorted shouting]
[voice distorted] You bastard!
- [grunts]
- [mic screeches]
Oh, well. It's about to go down.
[scoffs]
- Really, Kagiso?
- Zoleka.
- What are you doing here?
- Three years, Kagiso.
Three years of my life that I gave to us.
- And you cheat on me with her?
- Zoleka, maybe if you just
You're full of shit, you hear?
You're full of shit!
- [all screaming]
- Zo!
[all gasps]
- Whoa!
- [all screaming]
- Get off me!
- Stop!
[all scream]
Oh, my gosh, Katlego. Are you okay?
- Get her! Get her!
- [screams]
Thank goodness
it's not our family this year.
Mm-hmm.
Okay. Ladies and gentlemen.
Let us make a toast.
A toast to this brand new wife of mine.
- [guests cheer]
- Cheers.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
- Cheers to us.
- Cheers to us.
[coughing, clearing throat]
- [gasping]
- [guests shout]
[strains]
[gasping]
You bastard.
You You poisoned me.
Listen carefully now.
I did all this for my real wife, Karabo.
- [gasps]
- You can go burn in hell, Babalwa!
[straining, gasping]
[director] And cut!
Thank you, everyone.
And that is a picture wrap for
Thapelo and Zoleka
- for Sinful Seductions Season One.
- Thank you.
[all cheer]
[sighs] Excuse me.
[gasps] Hey, friend.
I love this dress, man.
I wish I could get married in it.
- You're getting married?
- Well, not yet.
- But it's bound to happen.
- Oh!
- [both laugh]
- Oh!
Yeah, no. I'm definitely
gonna wear this when I go
and collect my SAFTA because, come on.
Was I thespianing or was I thespianing?
- You were definitely thespianing.
- Right?
Always a pleasure working with you, Thaps.
[sighs] If you thought
this season was crazy,
wait until you see the scripts
for Season Two, 'cause whoa.
Those are crazy.
Wait, um
- Season Two?
- Yeah.
I I didn't get any script.
Oh. [sighs]
Zoleka.
I'm gonna miss working with you.
- [chuckles]
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Excuse me.
- No problem.
Yes.
Oh, hey, guys. Hey.
I've been meaning to
speak to you about my contract.
Wait, no, no. No, no.
- Hold on!
- [producer 1] As I was saying
- Excuse me. Coming through.
- [producer 2] Nope. Not doing it.
[producers whispering indistinctly]
Hey!
If it isn't the Thabos.
- Mmm.
- Hey, guys.
Seriously?
- We asked you not to call us that.
- Mmm.
We're individuals.
Not one three-headed person.
Right. You're You're right. Sorry.
Um Lethabo.
Thabiso. Thabo.
Thabo. Thabiso.
Um, you know it's always so nice
to have my producers on set.
- Especially on the last day of my season.
- Ah.
But just this season though. Right?
[Thabo] You know us. Always cooking.
- [Lethabo] Yeah.
- [Zoleka] But
I mean, I am in the next season.
Right?
Don't we have a Zoom?
- We've got a Zoom.
- Yeah. We've got a Zoom.
We gotta go Zoom.
- Uh-huh.
- Zoom, zoom.
Hey.
Blink twice if I'm in the next season.
[stammering]
[Zoleka] Anything? Something.
- Wait, please.
- [photographer] You were great, Zoleka.
Um, can you please just stop. Sorry.
I just need to [chuckles]
- Sorry.
- Yeah.
Can we please take a picture
for the wall of fame?
We do it with all the series
that shoot wedding scenes here.
- Yeah. Maybe later.
- So, can we get that picture?
Maybe later? Yeah?
- Okay.
- Thank you.
Damn it.
Surprise.
[chuckles] Baby, you know
I gave the makeup lady
two bottles of wine to sneak me in here.
I think they're killing me off.
I think this could be
my first and last telenovela.
To think I was starting
to connect with Babalwa.
You know, because she was happy.
She was in love.
They were about to get married.
Then they just kill her off.
Shit.
Sinful Seductions.
Seriously?
- Seriously.
- Babe, the people won't allow it.
They won't allow it. You know who you are?
Let me show you. Come here.
Come look here. You are Ntsiki Lukhele.
- You're Cherel de Villiers.
- Yeah.
You are Mandlabathu.
Mandlabantu.
- Mandlabatu.
- Madla
- Madlabantu.
- Okay, whatever.
[laughs]
Whatever the name is,
you're the star, baby. Hmm?
The star never dies.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- You're right.
- Yes, I'm right.
- I am the star.
- You're the star.
- Yes. Mmm!
- You know what?
- I'm gonna start a Twitter petition.
- No, don't do that.
And then I'm gonna go live on Instagram,
and I'm going to put
the producers on blast.
That way, they're gonna
be forced to keep me.
- No, no, babe.
- I mean, they can't just fire me.
Babe, why would you want to
piss the Thabos off? No, we don't do that.
Think about this. You really wanna
spend Valentine's Day,
our anniversary,
like the Generations 16?
- Did you just compare
- I'm just saying, it's not a good look.
Fine. [laughs]
- Speaking of 16.
- Uh-huh.
Omphile called.
- Shit!
- Mmm.
- Completely forgot about that.
- It's okay, I didn't.
I just need to wrap it up tonight
after I have dinner with Sbu and Beauty.
- You're amazing.
- I know, right?
- You are so amazing.
- Mm-hmm.
- Come on. Grab my butt. You're amazing.
- Oh.
- Yes.
- Wow. Okay.
How can I thank you for putting up
with my family's random demands?
Well
I can think of many, many
- Many ways?
- Mmm.
- Show me the ways.
- Mmm.
- Right here?
- I mean
This is probably my last time
in here anyway.
Mmm.
- [chuckles]
- Babe, you know what?
No matter what happens,
it's me and you. Okay?
- Me and you.
- Mm-hmm.
Three Valentine's down and forever to go.
Can't I just come with you?
- Please? To Durban.
- [sighs]
I don't wanna be alone
until Valentine's Day.
Yeah, baby, the thing is
me and Sbu, we have meetings.
You know, Zoom meetings, team meetings.
So, you'll feel alone anyway.
But trust me, our Durban Valentine's
is going to be special.
- In the meantime
- Mm-hmm?
do you want a happy place?
- Happy place.
- Happy place.
[upbeat music playing]
[Kagiso] One day, you'll have all of this.
- Everything the light touches
- Wow.
- will be yours.
- [laughs]
So, what are we waiting for?
Let's do it.
Let's go to the bank,
get our savings out of there
and just buy this land already.
Get married.
Build our home, settle down.
Yeah, I guess being a landowner
would help me impress your dad.
You don't need to impress him.
- I do. He's your father.
- [sighs]
And he gave me the best thing in my life.
And then he gave me you.
So [laughs]
I want him to like me.
He'll love you.
So, what do you say?
Are we doing this or not?
Let's do it.
- Let's do it.
- Oh, my gosh.
[laughs]
Let's speak to the bank tomorrow.
- Okay.
- And make our withdrawal.
Yeah.
We are going to have
our three-bedroom house.
[Katlego] Zoleka.
[sighs]
- Oh. [sighs]
- Hey, man. Katlego.
- [sighs]
- I'm kind of a little busy here.
Um. Yeah, so?
What's with you, your only child syndrome?
Hey, relax, huh? A body's a body.
Sharing is caring.
- Gosh.
- Wow. [scoffs]
[Katlego peeing]
[peeing continues]
- Katlego!
- Okay, fine.
I'll close my eyes.
Gosh, annoying.
Whatcha hiding?
[Katlego peeing]
[clears throat]
Seriously, Katlego?
[Katlego] What's your problem, Zoleka?
You should be doing Kegels too.
- [chuckles] Gosh!
- Always a pleasure, Katlego.
[exhales]
Uh [clears throat]
[Katlego] Zoleka!
Toilet paper!
[sighs]
[Katlego] Zoleka, toilet paper, please!
[sighs]
Remember, I said not today.
I'm with Zo today.
Yeah, that's part of the plan.
The whole point of doing it
today or tomorrow
[Zoleka] Wow. Hey, your sister, I can't.
I mean, I was in the bathroom and
Hi.
- Everything okay?
- Mm-hmm.
Uh, I have a meeting with
Amo before our dinner.
Why? What did he do?
Do? No, he didn't He didn't do anything.
Why would he do anything?
No one did anything.
You changed your hair.
Didn't you?
- Are you okay?
- Mm-hmm.
I'm fine.
I'm fine. You fine.
- It's all fine.
- Nothing's fine.
I'm talking about your sister.
When is she leaving?
She's been with us for months.
She has no boundaries, baby.
Come on, she's my sister. She
She's got boundaries.
She's got plenty of boundaries.
Do you have a tweezer or something?
These eyebrows, they aren't fleeking.
[sighs]
[sighs]
Katlego, those are
Those were mine.
[clears throat]
- Katlego.
- Mmm?
How's it going with apartment hunting?
[Katlego] Oh, you know.
You know how these things are.
Sicelo doesn't want to sign
the divorce papers. And it's hard for us.
We don't all have rich dads
who can afford to buy us houses.
Geez.
Yeah, but, uh, I'm sure that Mom and Dad
would understand
if you tell them, you know,
why you're getting divorced
and moving
and moving back in with them, right?
[Katlego] Mm-mmm. It feels like
you're rushing me right now, okay?
It's fine.
I'll tell them when I'm ready.
And then I'll be out of here.
[sighs]
[sighs]
[groans]
[sniffs] Hmm. Smells like a toilet.
Phew.
Yeah. No.
- I think she got the hint. Yeah.
- Hmm.
Well, I'm running late for Amo.
I'll see you later.
[Zoleka] Thank you. [clears throat]
[fan] Hey, Babalwa!
- Good evening, sir.
- Hello to you too.
Let me ask you something.
I want to know why you had
to kill sweet Karabo when you were on TV.
- Excuse me?
- I'll ask you again.
Listen. Why did you have to kill Karabo?
- You get that we're just acting, right?
- What acting?
Do your parents know what you get up to?
- They know that I'm an actor, so
- No, you really are a heartless girl.
- But
- I have to record you.
What you did was wrong!
No. Um, I'm sorry, sir.
- You're sorry?
- I'm sorry. We'll fix it on the show.
- You're evil!
- I'll fix it. Okay.
- An evil heart!
- Kagiso?
Hey.
Hey, baby. You are
You're early.
Is that supposed to be Amo?
Is he a girl now?
Oh, uh, that was the, uh The
The girl to [stammers] Omphile.
For Omphile's party.
Yeah, her store is
around the corner from here,
so we just, uh we just we just met up.
Babe, you know we're late.
Kagiso, you just said I was early.
See, they're waiting. No, we're late.
I'm watching you.
- [baby crying on phone]
- Night, Princey. Kissy Mommy.
[both blowing kisses]
- Good night, Princey.
- [call ends]
- Okay.
- Okay, okay.
- Hey.
- Hey, guys.
- There you go, baby.
- Thank you.
Look at us all early.
Breaking racial stereotypes.
- [Sbu] Yeah.
- I love it.
- You okay?
- Yeah.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
Yeah, no, he's just stressed about all
the investor meetings
we'll be having in Durban.
Oh, well, I mean, I wouldn't stress
if I knew I had 33 million rand coming.
I mean, who knew that selling booze
on an app could be so lucrative?
Yeah, see, the thing is
if the public finds out
before the investors announce,
I could lose the money.
- Can we just
- [whispers] Okay, shh.
I mean, I'm sure your family's, like,
over the moon.
Oh, they don't know.
They're terrible with secrets.
And money.
- What? They are.
- You know what? Don't worry about it.
As soon as you get married,
you'll know how to handle his family.
Noted.
Luckily for her,
she doesn't have to worry.
We're not getting married anytime soon,
so we're good.
Right. I mean,
we just have a joint savings account
to save up for cohabitating.
- [clears throat]
- Yeah, but babe. Come on.
It's not like you're a traditional woman,
you know? Everyone knows that.
And modern couples
live together all the time.
- Yeah.
- Look at Katlego and Sicelo.
- No.
- They dated for, like, ten years.
And they broke up.
That's 'cause they got married.
Can we talk about this later, babe?
- Sure.
- So, Princey is great.
Oh, look at that. It's later.
So, what. You had to wait
three years for you to tell me this?
Baby, it's not something
you have a conversation about
on the first date, right?
Did you guys have this conversation?
- No. Yeah.
- Yeah.
What do you mean?
I mean, if you knew
you didn't wanna get married,
this is something you should've told me.
I'm not saying I'm not gonna get married.
- I'm just saying not now.
- [Beauty] Guys.
- We're still here.
- We're still here.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- So
- Right.
- Let's, uh, cheers.
- Um, yeah. Cheers.
To, uh [clears throat]
- Prosperity.
- Prosperity.
I can't believe you said
I'm not wife material.
I didn't say that.
I said you're not a traditional woman.
- Oh, yeah. There's a difference.
- Baby. Yes.
Yes, there's a difference.
I haven't even seen you cook pap.
Pap. I mean, baby, come on.
Okay.
So, I should wear a traditional dress
and kneel before you with a plate of pap
for you to marry me?
Now and again would be nice.
- Okay.
- I'm just joking. I'm joking.
- Baby, come here.
- No, Kagiso.
I said it wrong.
Okay. I
It's not that I never wanna get married,
it's, just not now.
Maybe in five years. And, besides,
traditional weddings are expensive.
- The blankets, the bride price
- You have 33 million rands, Kagiso!
She's joking. [chuckles]
Is that all you care about?
Or what is it?
Is that money for you and your family?
Family takes care of each other.
But of course, you wouldn't get it.
You've never been in that position.
- [sighs]
- [scoffs]
Oh, look.
I just got a message from my dad.
He can't make it to dinner tomorrow.
He's got a case he needs to crack.
How can he not make it?
We've planned this thing for months.
And besides,
it was hard enough to secure a date.
Yeah, well, things change.
[driver] Hello! Hello.
- Are-Are you Kagiso?
- [Zoleka] You can get another Uber.
I'm sleeping at my place tonight.
- Babalwa, is that you?
- Hey, just drive.
[chuckles]
Hey, it's Babalwa, right?
[sighs]
[sighs]
- [Zoleka screams]
- [person 1 screams]
- What the hell, Amahle?
- God.
Why didn't you call before coming?
- It's Joburg.
- I'm sorry, okay.
I had load shedding.
ETA unknown,
so I came to charge my devices.
- Geez.
- And I passed out.
See, this wouldn't have happened
if you got me that
inverter I've been asking for.
It could be like
an early birthday present.
I'd still like my birthday present,
- but that
- Amahle. [panting]
Kagiso doesn't wanna marry me.
- Oh, what?
- Yeah.
Just out of the blue suddenly says
he wants to wait five years.
Am I crazy? Hmm?
Has this entire relationship been a lie?
I mean, we were
about to build a house together.
Do you think maybe
you're overreacting just a bit?
I was so sure.
So sure that he was
going to propose this year.
I don't know anything.
I don't even know
if he actually wants to get married.
What if I end up with nothing?
- Hmm? Like with Simphiwe.
- Okay, wait.
Let's just reel that in real quickly.
Firstly, Kagiso
is not a cheater like your ex.
You've got the passcode to his phone.
Not a lot of ladies have
the passcode to their man's phone.
Okay? If that's not love,
I don't know what is.
Has he ever given you
a reason to doubt him?
No.
[phone buzzes]
Zole, Kagiso is one of the good ones.
Men just get weird when
it's time to talk about marriage.
Men are just weird naturally, really.
- You're right.
- Yeah.
Yes, I am right. [chuckles]
- You know what?
- Mm-hmm.
I am going to show him
that I am wife material.
I'm going to Omphile's party tomorrow.
I'm going to be the most wifely wife
the Phatudis have ever seen.
Wait. How are you going to do that?
You live off of Uber Eats.
You know my situation, Amahle.
How could you say that?
At least you had a mother.
I didn't have one.
Your mother taught you
how to be a respectful wife.
I never had any of that.
Babe, babe, babe.
You've used that line on me
for about 20 years now.
It didn't work on me then.
It's not going to work on me now.
Fine. Then do it because you're my friend.
What would Jesus do?
- Say yes.
- That's really serious.
- Say yes.
- Oh, my gosh.
You're getting me an inverter.
I hope you know that.
Ma! Ma! Ma!
[inhales, exhales]
Peter Parker picked a pile of
picket papers. Pa Pa-Pa.
[inhales deeply]
[trills tongue, exclaims]
[exclaims]
[trilling, clicking tongue]
[exclaiming]
Ma! Ma!
- Okay.
- Zole.
This is your last shot
at ditching the head wrap.
- Never. Never, friend. Let's go.
- Okay. Let's go.
Bro, you left me hanging. You let me down.
Hey, what's the problem?
Man, we were supposed to meet
at the warehouse today. Come on.
And if you'd told me
to be at the warehouse,
- you know I would've gone there.
- What did I say to you?
- I texted you. I texted you, look.
- When?
- See? Look.
- When?
I told you my ETA was 9:00 a.m.
for you to help me with the drinks.
- I had to do it myself.
- Oh!
"ETA."
I thought ETA meant heita. You get me?
"Hey, it's nine o'clock.
Don't be late for the party.
Get a move on, my bro."
So, I'm sorry,
but your abbreviations are lame.
Check, check, check. Amahle.
Hey.
- Zolkie!
- [grunts]
You know what?
You are my favorite person, okay?
- Oh? [chuckles]
- Yes.
- Now, Zolkie, who is this?
- Oh, Amahle. She's my best friend.
- Amy.
- I'll call you Hle-Hle.
Hle-Hle. Listen, Hle-Hle,
you're very lucky right now.
Today, I have great ideas.
- Uh, page, page.
- Another TV show, Uncle?
- Yes, yes, yes, yes. Page. Let me see.
- Right.
Yeah, page seven. Yeah, what if
a gangster
gets his supernatural powers
from a blue mermaid?
And that made him impossible to shoot.
And I call it,
The Kings of Marabastad.
Uncle, isn't that Kings of Joburg?
Hey, you're out of line.
- You That's a terrible title.
- Well
Very bad, sir.
You know what, Uncle?
We'll think about it.
- Yeah. During the party.
- Please do.
- Yes. Enjoy.
- Okay.
- The Kings of Marabastad.
- Yeah.
Yeah, no.
Barbie and Ken proper
had a vomiting competition in here.
Stop mocking the kid's party.
Oh. Hey.
[Kagiso] Hey.
- Hey, baby.
- Hey.
- You made it.
- I did.
- Head wrap?
- Yeah, head wrap.
Uh, look, baby.
I just wanted to say
I'm really sorry about last night.
- And, um
- [sighs]
maybe we just go inside and talk?
- Sure.
- Zoleka! Did you get it?
Happy birthday.
- [squeals] Thank you!
- [chuckles]
Oh! You're welcome.
I hope you love it. I wrapped it myself.
You know, sister-in-law duties.
- [Papi] Our daughter. Our daughter-in-law.
- Oh.
- Daughter in-law. That's me.
- Mmm.
Hello, Papa. Hello, Ma.
Hello, my baby. [chuckles]
How are you?
- You look beautiful. [chuckles]
- Well
- No, Mom. Let me help you with that.
- Oh.
Let me carry that.
- Thank you.
- Let me help you with that.
- Yes. You can hold on to this.
- Oh!
Uh
Food! More More food.
Uh, there's so much food here. [laughs]
- Yes.
- This is my famous spinach.
- You're going to love it.
- Oh.
- Thank you.
- Before I forget
- Friend. This is Amahle, my best friend.
- Amy.
We know her.
Oh.
- [Papi] Yeah. Mmm.
- Okay.
From?
Fa Facebook. Facebook.
Uh
Omphile? Oh.
- Oh!
- Oh, he does Facebook.
She's going to be joining us today.
- Let me get the other plates.
- Okay.
[sighs]
Thank you.
Okay. You're done, right?
- Okay. Oh, you're not done?
- Oh! Lord!
- [exclaims] Hey.
- [guest] Hey! What's wrong with you?
Ah. Hello.
Hello.
[groans] Parking in Soweto is so annoying.
Can you believe it? My AMG,
I had to park just on the street. Hmm?
Auntie, you're going to have to
start parking your AMG yourself.
Can't you see what's happening?
- There she is dressed up like the bride.
- That spoiled brat.
I'm sure she's dishing out
food she didn't cook.
Uh, where is Makgotso?
Um, over there.
Makgotso! Baby!
Come here.
Uh-uh.
Turn, turn, turn, turn.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Mom.
- You're here?
- Of course.
I couldn't miss the child's 13th birthday.
- Auntie, I'm 16.
- Yeah.
Sweetie, go get me
a wine glass from the kitchen.
- Uh-uh, Mom. Uh-uh.
- Hey, you!
This is the worst party ever.
[cook] You can go ahead
and peel those potatoes for me.
Those carrots are
not enough for chakalaka.
Please do them for me. My feet hurt.
This party just got way out of hand.
Papi just loves spending money
we don't have,
and then asking Kagiso
and Katlego to help him out.
Hey, that is what we call black tax.
[laughing]
Yo, I should get going with the pap.
Oh, no. Relax, Mom.
- We're here. We'll cook the pap.
- You You can go rest.
- [cook] Really? Serious?
- Mmm.
I'd really appreciate that
because I'm so tired, my child.
I'm so tired [groans]
because I went to bed so late
after doing the decor.
Wait, the decor?
Yes.
But Kagiso told me
he found someone to do the decor.
Someone from Rosebank?
No. Not after spending so much money.
Makgotso and I did it.
[aunt groans]
My goodness.
The men are finished
brining the meat outside.
Madam Chef.
Where is the pap?
Let me go find Kagiso.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. [chuckles]
Not so fast, missy.
You said you're going
to make the pap, right?
- Oh. Yes. Yes.
- Yes.
Really now?
Do you even know how to cook pap?
- Wow. Of course.
- [chuckles]
Pap? Pap is my specialty.
- I'm very good.
- Mmm.
- [Zoleka] I'm very good.
- We'll see.
Um, I'm just going to use
the loo very quickly.
- Okay. Yeah. Right.
- Okay, okay.
Okay.
Oh.
When we were small,
you never had parties this big.
- Never.
- [sighs]
My children.
Omphile is our last born baby.
- All I need is just a little bit of money.
- For what? A magician?
No way, Dad. We've done enough.
This looks like a wedding.
Don't give it to him.
[Kagiso] Dad, why did you go so far
with this party?
[Papi] My child.
Our days here are numbered.
What?
If we still want
any enjoyment out of life,
then we have to do it now
while we still can.
- I don't understand.
- Kagiso.
- We have a problem.
- Shit.
- Baby.
- No, no, no, no.
- Go back, go back, go back.
- [stammers] What, what, what?
Exactly what part of divorce
don't you understand?
- But I'm on the family WhatsApp group.
- Exit the group.
How else must I get a hold of you?
This is the only way to contact you.
- Don't you love me anymore?
- [uncle] Stranger in the night!
[toilet flushes]
You know, I thought you'd
run off with a second wife.
No, no, no, no, no, Uncle.
I'm still here. I'm still here.
Um, come. Come.
Come. Come, come, come.
I have an idea that
I want to run past you, hey?
- Mmm. Mm-hmm.
- First one, is, uh
- Kings of Marabastad.
- Okay.
- Yeah. Come.
- Mm-hmm.
- Let me tell you about it.
- Um, yes.
- A disappointing guy
- Uh-huh.
who has supernatural powers.
- [Zoleka groaning, coughing]
- [line ringing]
[voice mail] It isn't the '90s anymore.
- Don't leave a message.
- Amahle.
I brought you here so you can help me,
not to come ditch me.
Try it. Here.
- Hey, now!
- [coughing]
What are you doing?
Nothing. [coughs]
Nothing? Then why are you coughing? Huh?
I'm not.
You know, Ms. Ntombi sent me
a video of kids your age dying.
They're dying! Lungs popping like popcorn!
Popping like popcorn!
We weren't even
You weren't what? This English
of yours will get you in trouble.
Do you guys want to finish matric?
- Answer me!
- Yes, Mom.
Then you must
stop this nonsense right now!
Give me that.
Family meeting for you two this evening.
Give it to me.
Let's go. Move it!
- Before I
- Uh, Mom.
Don't just stand there like chickens! Go!
These kids. Wow.
- [Zoleka] Mom?
- [gasps, coughing]
I didn't know you smoked.
Uh, please don't tell anyone, my child.
- Of course. Your secret is safe with me.
- Okay.
Um, have you seen Kagiso?
Mm-mmm.
But I'll tell him you're looking for him.
After I brush my teeth, okay?
[brass band playing]
[singing]
[cheering]
Oh.
[singing continues]
[muttering]
[singing continues]
- Come come, come.
- Where are you taking me?
- Get in here.
- In here?
[muttering]
[sighs]
So, you have money
for your child's expensive party.
[sighs] No, no, no.
Everything you see here,
I didn't pay for. My son paid for this.
- Oh.
- Yes.
But you can't you ask your son
to pay your mortgage?
[sighing]
Zoleka. Zoleka.
I've started a gossip page.
Can I profile you?
What?
Makgotso, South Africa
doesn't need another Musa.
Is that Babalwa?
[Zoleka] You can do better than gossip.
Tell your mother
you dropped out of varsity.
You'll be fine.
Not if I want to reach 21.
[gasps] It's Babalwa!
Oh, yes. Yes. [laughs]
You see,
that is my favorite daughter-in-law.
- She's my daughter-in-law.
- Daughter-in-law? Really?
My daughter!
[horn honks]
Come here. Yes, hurry up.
[chuckling]
- Hello.
- Hey.
- Daughter
- Mmm.
I'd like to introduce you to
What was your name?
Oh, Mr. Malatji. Sheriff of the courts.
- Sheriff?
- [grunts]
- Look, my child. Look.
- Mmm.
I may have refinanced my house
and I skipped a few months.
So, I don't want this man
to end up taking my furniture, um,
- during Omphile's party.
- Oh.
So please, I'm asking you nicely.
Please, just take two pictures with him.
O-Okay, Dad. Later. Right now, I'm
My child, please. I'm begging you.
Just two pictures.
- Just two pictures.
- Mm-hmm. [chuckles]
- Yeah. Okay.
- Oh, thank you, thank you.
Thank you, my child.
- Uh, Mr. Malatji.
- Yes?
- Two pictures.
- Yes.
And then you leave, right?
- Yeah, okay. I'll give you two days.
- Okay.
Okay.
- You know how to use it, right?
- Okay, okay. Yes.
[grunts] Ah.
- And there we go.
- Mm-hmm.
[Zoleka] Kagiso.
Kagiso!
Kagiso! Ka
Oh.
- There you are.
- Hey.
I've been looking for you guys.
You know, I really like
what your decor lady did with the place.
Could you give me her number?
I'd like to book her.
- For decor?
- [Zoleka] Mmm.
The decor.
- [Kagiso] Yeah.
- Mmm.
You know, it's just that
she's busy, baby.
She's always busy.
Yeah, she's always busy.
When you call her, she is busy.
- Mmm.
- Like, next week, she's busy.
Even today, when you call her. She's busy.
Ha! I knew it!
All these brides
who want to be slay queens
are hiding away, busy gossiping.
Meanwhile, the pap is burning.
- Geez.
- [sighs]
- You burnt the pap? Uh-uh.
- [guests laughing]
Who burns the pap this bad?
Like this?
But Uncle, Zoleka made an honest mistake.
She didn't do it on purpose.
Uh, I'll just go make
some rice real quick.
No men.
Wait, my sister, wait. Rice and goat stew?
These are the things that
make our ancestors turn their backs on us.
I'm sorry, everyone.
I guess I'm not the daughter-in-law
that I thought I was.
Of course.
- Oh, no, Zole.
- [clamoring]
No, Katlego. But it was a mistake.
[Zoleka]
Ugh, now I'm really in a mess, Auntie.
Why didn't you ever teach me to cook pap?
[aunt] Mmm. It's you
who didn't try to cook fluffy pap.
You're Xhosa after all.
These people and their pap.
They're obsessed with it.
[sighs]
[cell phone vibrating]
[scoffs] If you don't talk to him,
some other girl will.
No, thank you.
Too late for that.
He already lied to my face
about meeting a woman.
But wait, coz.
W-Why would Kagiso invite you
to a family function
knowing very well that he's cheating?
Mm-hmm. These things happen.
When you're hooked up,
a family will embrace one girl
to her face, call her their bride,
and even ululate
and kiss you when they see you.
They even compliment you all the time.
They won't say,
"Oh, my daughter, he's so beautiful."
Meanwhile, their son's in Limpopo marrying
someone else over the long weekend.
Ugh.
Twitter.
Hey, sis.
- [Auntie] Brother.
- [Zoleka] Hello, Dad.
Why are you dressed like that?
Oh, it's a long story.
- Anyway, Florence says the food is ready.
- Ah, okay.
Where is that guest you said was coming?
Oh, I, um
I'm actually asking myself
the same question.
We can't wait for someone who isn't here.
Nephew. Sis, let's go.
- Okay, Brother.
- [grunts]
You all right?
Yes, I'm all right.
I just need to know what Kagiso is up to.
What are you waiting for?
You might as well go find out now.
Okay.
[whispers] Just think like Babalwa.
- [hums]
- [door rattling]
[Zoleka] Kagiso! Gosh.
Coming! [clears throat]
- Hi, Katlego.
- Hey.
- Get away from the door.
- Oh, I should move.
- Gosh.
- Sorry.
Since when do we leave
the key in the door? Oh!
- Are you finally moving out?
- [sighs] Um
Where is your brother?
I need to speak with him. Kagiso!
[Katlego] If I tell you, will you leave?
- What's up with you?
- What?
- Why are you sweating?
- Oh.
Um, I feel like I've been gaining weight,
so I'm exercising.
In the middle of the night?
Yeah, that's how it's done.
- Okay. Kagiso.
- Okay.
- He's in Durban.
- In Durban?
- Mm-hmm.
- How?
When? He was only
supposed to leave tomorrow.
He just had a
last minute meeting with Sbu.
Okay, I'm going to call him.
Suddenly now he's in Durban without me.
[line ringing]
Kagiso, answer the phone.
[voice mail] This is Kagiso.
Please leave a message.
Your brother is being weird.
Why wouldn't he tell me
that he's going to Durban?
I'm here trying to fix things.
And his apartment is just, so mess
Whose is this?
Oh. I
- I don't know.
- You don't know?
Yet here you are telling me
your brother is in Durban.
And you know that he's cheating on me.
On the sofa that I picked out!
Hey! No, man. Relax.
Kagiso isn't cheating. He's not a cheater.
Don't tell me to relax.
I know how it goes.
I actually have an ex who used to tell me
that he was at a "business meeting"
while he was next door sleeping
with our neighbor
who was twice my age!
You know, that burnt pap smoke,
it must have gone to your head.
- Kagiso isn't here, so get out!
- Don't tell me that.
- Get out of my way.
- [struggling] No!
I'll hit you with this slipper! Get out!
- Katlego.
- Yes?
Katlego, you'd better tell me
what's going on here!
Leave!
[sighs]
- Hey, hey.
- Come here. Come, come.
- Hold it there.
- Huh?
- Sicelo. Huh?
- What?
Huh? Just look now,
that condom almost got us busted.
No, enough of this story.
If you weren't so worried
about falling pregnant,
then we wouldn't have to use condoms.
You and I shouldn't be using condoms.
Raw, baby. Flesh to flesh. [grunts]
[both grunting, moaning]
- Mm-mmm. Wait, wait, wait.
- What?
Put me down.
- You want to go down?
- Yes, I want to go down.
- Okay.
- [pants]
Please, just just go. Please.
- Oh, baby.
- Yeah.
Okay, okay. Just
- Do you want more?
- Um.
- Come, baby. Come.
- I'm not coming.
- Mama, come.
- I'm not.
Mama.
Come here.
[sighs] I'm coming, Daddy.
Answer the phone, you dog!
[voice mail] Please leave a message.
Amahle.
[voice mail] It isn't the '90s anymore.
Don't leave a message.
- [cars honking]
- [yelps]
- Shit!
- [car honking]
Oh, fuck you!
Oh, you too, man!
Bugger off!
Can't you see I'm being cheated on here?
Hey, you.
Hey! What kind of driving is that?
Did you buy your license?
Don't drive like shit.
You don't own the road.
[line ringing]
Coz, what's going on? Talk to me.
I know exactly where they're staying.
- And I'm not getting played again.
- [car honking]
I'm not getting played
like I was with Simphiwe.
I-I'm busy.
- Come to Durban with me now.
- For sure. We're on it. Let's go now.
Wait. Do you think we can
find a hit man somewhere?
Hey, wait.
Now I'm not sure about a hit man.
T-Think again,
y-you're not actually Babalwa.
So let's reel it in, okay?
Okay.
We'll talk soon.
- [call disconnects]
- [engine revving]
[tires screech]
Good day, and welcome to Capital.
Thank you.
I'd like to know where, um,
- Kagiso Phatudi's room is.
- [sighs]
He has a meeting in this hotel.
Oh, I'm really sorry.
I'm not allowed to give out
our guest's personal details,
but if you'd like to book a room with us,
we do have one standard room left.
I'm sure you know who I am, right?
- [gasps] Oh!
- There we go. Mmm.
You're one of those young,
rich and famous Africans.
No. No, I'm a thespian.
Ma'am. This is Babalwa.
Uh, I'm sorry. I don't know who she is.
- She doesn't have TV.
- It's fine.
It's okay. She doesn't own a TV.
She's ignorant.
What I'm gonna do is,
I'm gonna book a room for the two of us
so we can plan our next move.
I need you to go sit down. Go over there.
- Leave the glass.
- Okay.
- Go and get something refreshing.
- Okay.
I'm coming now. Yeah.
[sighs]
Sinful Seductions?
It's okay. It's okay.
- [receptionist] May I have your ID?
- [Langa] Okay.
[sighs]
[cheering]
Will you marry me?
[singing]
[distorted shouting]
[Zoleka, distorted] You bastard!
[pants, grunts]
- [singing stops]
- [microphone feedback]
Oh, well. It's about to go down.
[scoffs]
[Kagiso] Zoleka.
[Zoleka] Really, Kagiso?
- What are you doing here?
- Three years, Kagiso.
Three years of my life that I gave to us.
And you cheat on me with her?
- Babe.
- Wait, is that
Ntando? Ntando was our thing, Kagiso.
All this time
All this time, Mom and Dad,
calling me your daughter-in-law,
but you all knew.
And you!
I was in a church at 5:00 a.m.
for Princey's
ridiculous christening for you!
How are we dragging Princey into this?
Also, it was a very beautiful ceremony.
- [scoffs]
- Zoleka, if you just
You're full of shit. You're full of shit!
- [clamoring]
- Zo!
[all gasp]
[grunts]
- [shouting, clamoring]
- Get off me!
- [thud]
- [screams]
Oh, my goodness, Katlego. Are you okay?
- Get her!
- [screams]
No, no, no.
Zoleka! Zoleka!
Whoa!
- [panting]
- No.
Ugh, no, man.
- Get off me!
- Zoleka!
- We're outnumbered. Let's go.
- I'm not leaving.
I cooked pap for these people.
- [pants] In a three-legged pot.
- Uh
Something that
I've never even done before.
I don't even get pap!
It's too soft. It's too hard.
You people are obsessed with it!
You're only saying that
- because you don't know how to cook pap.
- And, for what?
For a party that Omphile didn't even want.
O-O-Omphile.
Is it true that
you didn't want that party?
Why am I catching strays, man, Zoleka?
- No, man.
- You. You!
- What?
- Oh, shut up.
Oh, please.
You don't care about anyone here.
- Yeah.
- You didn't even know
that your own child dropped out of school.
- Huh?
- Makgotso? Come here!
Spoiled brat!
Friend, friend, friend, friend.
I think you're spiraling right now.
- Just
- [chuckles]
Of course I'm spiraling, Amahle.
I wanted to marry him.
But thankfully, I just learned the truth.
- Or I would've ended up like Katlego.
- What?
- And get divorced faster than she did.
- I'm going to get you. Do you hear me?
This is the worst Valentine's week ever.
[scoffs]
First, I get killed off
some shitty telenovela and now,
my boyfriend [chuckles]
is here proposing to my best friend.
They're killing Babalwa?
Uh, yes!
It's starting to become clear
that Uncle Godfrey's ideas
are better than the stupid writers
on my show.
- You hear that? We all heard that.
- That's not a compliment!
- Wow.
- [Kagiso] Zoleka.
- Relax, you need to stop.
- Why?
You didn't.
- You sold your app for 33 million rand.
- [stammers]
But you cheat with Choice condoms. Gross.
You have no shame, Kagiso.
So Kagiso has 33 million.
We have 33 million.
No, but it's fine. It's okay, guys.
He can use it to pay off the debt
on your family's house.
That way, I won't be in your way.
What debt, now?
What did you do with our parents' house?
[shouting, clamoring]
No shame, Mom. I understand why you smoke.
- I'd smoke too if I were you.
- Ah. You smoke?
- Wow!
- [Zoleka] You know what?
I'm actually glad.
I'm glad that
I canceled our dinner with my dad.
I saved him the embarrassment
of meeting you.
Well done, friend.
Congratulations
to both the bride and groom to be.
I wish you two the best of the worst.
Ntando. You can play us out.
- [Langa] Sing Ntando.
- What's this?
Hey. Hey!
Why is she behaving like this?
[plane approaching]
[Langa] Let's go. Let's
You were supposed to wait for my cue.
Abort. Abort.
[clicks tongue] Aw.
This was all for you.
Thank goodness,
it's not our family this year.
Mm-hmm.