How to Survive Being Single (2020) s01e01 Episode Script

Go fuck yourself, you bastard!
-You piece of shit, tabloid press!
-Sebastián.
You piece of shit, fucking assholes.
No, wait! You know what?
Sebastián.
Bastards! Go fuck yourself, you bastard!
I'm not doing anything, Sebastián.
You ruined us!
5 HOURS BEFORE
Lucía
after 10 years,
the most beautiful years of my life,
it's time for our paths
to be bound forever.
So that together,
we might leave a legacy
And to create a legacy--
Fish. Fish!
What the fuck, Fish?
Right.
I'm making a daiquiri for Hemingway.
Where did you get this dog, Fish?
I'm baby-sitting it for Yanet,
they won't let dogs into Oceanica.
You're giving the dog alcohol?
Hence his name. Hemingway.
You're getting distracted. The important
thing here is my speech, not a dog.
Time-out, time-out. Who the hell is Yanet?
The love of my life, brother.
-For real?
-You have a girlfriend in rehab?
We took this on the day she checked in.
You're getting sidetracked again.
Speech. Good, bad, worse, terrible?
-Spectacular.
-This will be controversial.
I vote that you not get married.
It's lame.
Come on, Gonzo.
I agree it's a rancid institution.
-Exactly. Exactly.
-Archaic. Chauvinistic.
-Antiquated. But weddings are cool.
-Exactly!
Are you ready to do this, man?
Do you have investment funds,
savings, mortgage?
What are you talking about?
I have it all planned out.
I'm proposing at the press conference.
Sebas, it's incredible.
Don't listen to them.
Thanks.
I hope someone does something
that special for my proposal.
Maybe a flash mob. Golden balloons!
Cushion-cut ring, size five,
and Shania Twain in the background.
Look, man. You're destroying our group.
This marriage shit is a plague,
and you're infecting everyone else.
What if she says no?
-She won't say no!
-It's a possibility.
No, we've talked about it.
We've touched on the subject. Sort of.
By the way, the mariachi band will start
exactly when you get on one knee.
It's 2020, Fish.
Nobody uses mariachi bands anymore.
Hey man, it's a vintage,
cool, badass gesture.
You know what else is badass?
-The bowtie I got for Hemingway.
-How cute!
-Because he's such a fancy dog.
-He's so cute!
So the speech is all right?
It's great, just relax.
-It's fine.
-Cheers.
What sign are you?
-Sagittarius.
-The prettiest!
You're so handsome.
-She's a lesbian.
-What?
I said she's a lesbian.
-No way, Fabiana.
-I can tell just by looking.
How do you know?
I was one for one year,
seven months and three days.
-No way.
-Let's bet.
How much?
You'll buy me lunch all year.
-What if I win?
-What do you want?
We fuck.
That is never going to happen,
but you're on.
Dude, I'm kind of worried.
He isn't responding,
I think he's depressed.
-Dogs don't get depressed, Fish.
-Are you sure?
-Want some?
-No, thanks. I have to be clear-headed.
-You want some?
-Obviously.
-We don't smoke pot, we're adults.
-Right, dude.
What do you want, some mezcal,
a beer, gummy?
-All of the above!
-I knew it!
Classic lesbian.
We're almost there, try to relax.
Relax, man. You'll be fine.
Shut up, she's here!
The bride is here!
-What did they say?
-No, nothing, love. Nothing.
You're looking good.
Why is everyone all dressed up?
Who's getting married?
Daniel and I
if he smartens up.
-We're thinking about it.
-He's so cute!
Don't touch him!
Sorry. He's in a bad mood.
Honey.
Your hands are all sweaty.
Are you all right?
Yes, I'm just a bit nervous
about the premiere tonight.
Since when do you get nervous?
Since always, darling.
I always get really nervous.
Is everything okay?
-Yes, sure!
-Everything is great, super!
LET'S GO TO THE MOVIES
WITH THE CAPTAIN
Guys, I'm very excited to be hosting
the exclusive broadcast
of the DUMP3D premiere.
Celebrating its 10th anniversary,
now in 3D!
But first, let's remember
the best parts of the movie
DUMPED 2
Pizza Pizza is here. The best in the city.
Dumped will now premiere in 3D,
to celebrate its 10th anniversary.
A reloaded classic.
-I have to go.
-Don't go.
We were
a short story that I'll read
a thousand times.
Bela!
DUMP3D
It's a terrible movie, but it's got
the best ticket sales in Mexico.
It pains me, I can't believe it. It's
truly a fucking joke, but we accept it.
What became of that so-called actor,
what's his name?
He played Teo. What became of him?
He disappeared, never did anything else.
All he ever did, you know what it was?
Date Lucía.
-Dude, we are live!
-We are? Let me know.
Everything I said?
Everything I said?
We'll be back!
Faster, faster, yes.
Come on, faster.
If you would please make some room
-Control this girl. Come on.
-Please, miss.
-All right, all right!
-Are you okay?
We're so glad you're here.
Let us through.
There will be interviews and photos.
We love having your support,
thank you so much. Let's go.
The investors are waiting for you.
Please don't fuck up. You have to smile.
-Yes.
-Literally, it's in the contract.
If you don't smile, we won't get paid.
-Okay.
-Sebastián, what's wrong? You're sweating.
You're shiny, you'll ruin the photos.
I'm nervous.
Lu, I got you the hosting gig
for the Ariel awards.
Really? That's great.
What about me? I exist, you know?
There are already
too many romantic comedy heartthrobs.
You're in a difficult spot, dear.
I'm not only a heartthrob,
I'm a versatile actor.
-Right.
-I have range.
Yes, of course.
Meanwhile, enjoy these royalties,
they're the last ones you'll be getting.
Cheer up, darling.
I'm hosting the awards,
they may be the last ones.
-Yeah, right.
-Go ahead.
-Come on, guys. Let us by, Lorenza.
-Hey!
-We're with them.
-We're a fundamental part of this movie.
You can go stand
among the normal humans, over there!
Let's go, come on.
This is embarrassing,
a red carpet for a Mexican movie.
Thanks, huh?
Social climbers!
-Are you all right?
-Yes, sure.
-Ready.
-Okay, you're acting weird.
-Come on.
-Yes?
I'm very happy.
They offered me Bela's character, but
I preferred to give new talents a chance.
This is so glamorous,
being an actor is great.
Teo is the character
that inspires me the most.
The only role he's ever played.
Excuse us, good night!
It's the hardest profession in the world.
Did you know?
At least his dad isn't an actor
and he doesn't have to live in his shadow.
No, you know what?
Don't disrespect me, asshole.
-No, no, no.
-Don't disrespect me!
We're so happy to have you here.
-Teo
-Sebastián.
How are you? We never see you anymore.
Did you retire or are you still acting?
I have a lot of projects.
But you know, I can't tell you about them
because I signed
confidentiality agreements.
Of course.
At least he's not
living in his father's shadow.
I've told you several times,
I'd rather work for the competition
than to have to kiss my dad's ass.
You have to solve
your daddy issues, Danny.
Says the guy
who hasn't worked a day in his life.
Sebastián continues acting,
follow him on his social media.
-His social media?
-Yes.
SebastianYbarraOfficialActor01.
Great, Teo. We'll follow your social media,
just like we follow Lu 24/7, and we love her.
What? You don't work?
Andy, my dad worked his ass off
for so many years
just to give us a better life.
It would be a lack of respect
to deny him that pleasure
and not enjoy the fruit
of his work, get it?
I'm sick of Dumped.
Dumped Animated,
Dumped on Ice, Dumped Forever
Calm down, new things will come.
You're just saying that
because Lorenza gets you cool projects.
To you too, but you never take them.
Because she never calls me for roles
That are a dramatic challenge. Sure.
Yes, you're with a slacker.
But a slacker with firm principles.
Fish is also a slacker, due to his IQ.
I'm not a slacker, I have some businesses.
Come on, dude,
you've been "between jobs" all your life.
I'm doing fine, man.
We won't let the press ruin
such a special day.
Exactly! That's the spirit,
that's the spirit.
Lucía, can we have a photo of you alone?
Sebastián, will you move over?
Thank you very much. A photo alone.
Thank you.
Now with Sebas.
When did I say Perisur? When?
It's at Roberto Cantoral!
I don't give a fuck,
find a toll pass somehow, man!
This is the best day of my life,
don't screw up.
Thanks, bye.
Relax, Fish. The mariachi band
is doing you a favor, dude.
You don't even care about your friends.
-Yes, we do. We're here, aren't we?
-I'm going to tell Sebastián.
What for? He'll only get more nervous.
I'm an idiot, I sent it.
-Fuck Fish!
-I'm an idiot. Sorry, sorry.
Let's go find your dog.
Your movie came into my life
at a very dark time.
-I even considered suicide.
-You're shitting me.
Sebastián.
Happy birthday.
Remember you're worthy.
Thank you so much.
I'm alive, thanks to the two of you.
I mean that literally.
Are you staying until
the end of the movie?
-Yes, of course!
-You don't want to miss it.
I love the two of you!
Next.
What?
Beautiful…
They painted you in watercolor…
-Come on.
-Okay.
-Whip it out.
-What? Are you crazy?
What are you doing?
-Listen, the XXX theater is two blocks away.
-I know. I apologize.
You're such prudes.
-What's wrong?
-Come on.
No, Mafer.
-Are you thirsty, Mafer?
-No, no.
It's for your own good.
Get over here.
Okay.
Sorry. Marriage talk turns me on.
-A lot.
-All right.
Be sure to tell me
when you're going to propose
so I can go to the salon,
get a wax, manicure
-That's what turns you on?
-Fuck, yeah.
All right
Take your clothes off.
What are you staring at?
Pervert!
Don't go
We were
a short story
That I will read a thousand times!
Bravo!
Bravo, Sebastián!
Kiss, kiss, kiss!
-What?
-No, nothing.
-Go on, tell me. What?
-Do you like Gonzo?
I don't know. Sort of, whatever.
Why?
Because
Nothing.
It's just that Gonzo's my friend,
he's like my dearest brother. I adore him.
Don't take this the wrong way,
but I can't stand the way he treats women.
Like we're objects for one-night stands,
to play with or bet on.
-He bet that he could fuck you.
-What?
He's buying me dinner if he loses.
Too late, I said it.
-Damned men!
-Yeah.
He bet he would fuck you in the ass,
and he'd post it on the Internet.
-What?!
-That's right.
In the ass? We're not college students.
-We don't do that anymore.
-No, we don't.
Those kinds of guys are a piece of crap.
They're the oppressors.
They're toxic masculinity.
-Yes!
-These men have to be taken down.
Hashtag "you're going down."
-He really thinks he can?
-That's the worst part.
You know? I think someone should
teach him a lesson, where it hurts.
-Yes.
-So it hurts.
And that person should be me.
Exactly!
What should we do?
Serve the daiquiri on a plate, please,
and give me a beer. Thanks.
-Good doggy. Good doggy.
-Fish.
Where is the fucking mariachi band?
They're on their way,
I just hung up with them.
I'm shaking, dude.
That bad, you idiot?
The speech!
I just forgot the whole speech!
-Relax, what's wrong?
-I went blank.
-You're the man, dude.
-Q & A, let's go!
-You're the man, dude.
-Yes.
You're the shit, bro.
There's no take two! There's no take two!
-What was that all about?
-Nothing.
-Who's that guy anyway?
-Don't pay attention to him.
Can you take care of my dog?
He's not really mine Whatever.
He's really cool when he's drunk.
He doesn't bite.
Thanks, bro.
Sebastián!
Thank you so much to the press and
the dedicated fans who decided to stay.
Welcome.
It was a great idea
to make DUMP3D.
But what's next for you two?
I have a Danish-Canadian coproduction
by Yorgos Lanthimos
premiering at Sundance.
Taking advantage of your presence,
what can you tell us
about a rumor we heard
that you're debuting as a director?
How did you find out
about that, scoundrels?
Yes, I'm going to direct my first movie.
It's a social drama that takes place
in a small village in Oaxaca.
Thanks for telling us a little bit
Yes, Sebastián?
I have a question for Lucía.
Go ahead.
After 10 years
the most beautiful years of my life
I think it's time for us
to join our lives forever.
So that together,
we might leave a legacy
and change scenes
for the next stage of our lives.
Sebas, what are you doing?
Lucía Gamero
will you
marry
me?
Sebastián! Call it off!
Lucía, Sebastián.
Are you inviting this man to your wedding?
No way, man. This is so embarrassing.
That's fake.
People on the Internet do that Right?
Right?
How dare you slander Lucía
like this, asshole?
It's not slander, Sebastián.
I'm a serious journalist.
-You're fucking kidding me! A damn journalist!
-Sebastián. Sebastián.
Sebastián. Let me explain, will you?
Explain what?
I swear I was going to tell you.
Before
or after everybody found out?
I didn't know about your proposal.
No!
You ruined us!
You ruined us.
Lorenza. Come on, I'll explain.
Sebastián, come on.
No.
No.
No.
No
The problem here is you creeps!
You piece of shit, tabloid press!
Piece of shit!
You don't give a fuck about us!
This was our life project,
and all of you don't give a shit.
You want dumped?
Here's your dumped, fuckers!
Here's your dumped, bastards!
Sebastián. Sebastián.
You can go fuck yourself.
Go fuck yourself, you bastard!
There's something called
freedom of the press!
-I'm not doing anything, Sebastián.
-Let him go.
I told him to propose in private.
Where the hell did that guy go?
I hope he didn't drown in a sink.
-Don't joke about those things.
-We still haven't found him.
Sebastián!
Sebastián!
-We should also look for Lucía.
-Didn't you see the video?
That was a low blow for her too.
She shit on all of us. Forget her.
Do you want to stone her in public?
-That whore.
-Don't call her that, dude.
She's your friend .
I don't get it. This is totally fucked up.
Society has to understand
that monogamy is a myth.
Cheating isn't such a big deal,
it can happen to anybody.
-Don't give me one of your TED Talks.
-It can happen to anyone.
That woman doesn't deserve you.
You didn't deserve for this to happen.
I have a neighbor
who can teach her a lesson.
Make her pay for what she did.
No.
I can give you a blow job.
-What?
-I'm good at it.
No, I don't think so.
No, thanks, that's really sweet.
But, no. It's not you,
I'm just not ready for that yet.
Hey, hey!
What the fuck?
-Hey.
-Where were you, man?
We've been worried.
What just happened?
I thought I knew her.
Sebas, stop torturing yourself.
If it happened to me,
I'd want to know why.
Don't try to justify her,
what she did was wrong.
-That chick is canceled.
-Yeah.
You're free to do whatever you want, bro.
You can be a monk, or fuck whoever you want.
I don't want to do any of that!
This just happened 15 minutes ago.
It's a shame
It was so profitable.
I don't know where I went wrong.
I thought she was the one.
Now that video will be
all over the Internet.
Someone will post a coach's dick pick
and people will forget.
Don't worry.
We'll find that creep and kick his ass.
You know, this was actually a miracle.
Being single nowadays is great!
I didn't want to be single, dude.
But you don't really have a choice.
It's fun to be single.
You were with her for 10 years.
This is a chance for you to ask yourself:
Who is Sebastián? To find yourself.
What do you know about commitment?
You don't commit to anyone.
I don't commit to anyone,
but I give myself.
Sebas, I understand your pain. Relax.
I don't know.
I thought we'd be together forever.
I thought we had figured it out,
talk about a shitty twist.
Life isn't a movie, man.
I know, but
I'm a good guy, aren't I?
It's like all my instincts failed
at the same time.
I don't have her
And I don't have a career.
Hey, hey!
-You have us, dude.
-We're your family.
-Exactly!
-We love you, you idiot.
What am I going to do?
You can move in with me and Fish.
-Hey! Hey, that's a good idea.
-Great!
It'll be fun. We'll stay up every night
watching Doogie Howser.
-Gonzi, Fishy, Sebi, and Hemingway.
-That'll be cool!
-It'll be cool.
-Where's Hemingway?
Shit! Hemingway!
No! Don't do it!
No, Hemingway! Don't do it!
Please don't, Hemingway!
Why did you do it, you damn fucking dog?
HOW TO SURVIVE BEING SINGLE