How to with John Wilson (2020) s01e01 Episode Script

1
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JOHN WILSON:
Hey, New York.
There are
countless opportunities
to make small talk
in a big city.
Even though some people
seem to avoid it at all costs.
Small talk is the glue
that binds us all together
and the armor that shields us
from each other's
darkest thoughts.
It's useful when you meet up
with a friend
go on a date
or try to start
a professional relationship.
Failing to know
how to engage properly
could condemn you to a life
of social alienation.
But it can be
extremely rewarding
if you know how to do it right.
So instead of making people
take on the full weight
of all your problems,
stick with me,
and I'll make sure
that every talk you have
from here on out
is small talk.
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(QUIET MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JOHN: A nice way to begin
is by leaving your apartment
and trying to find someone
who is willing to talk to you.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Thankfully, New York is filled
with friendly people,
so this should be easy.
One of the main functions
of small talk
is to fill space
with polite conversation,
uh, until
you can be alone again.
So make sure to only talk about
stuff from your everyday life
that anyone can relate to
and forget about easily.
You can talk about
how nice the weather is,
uh, but just make sure that
you never mention
climate change.
You can talk about what's on TV,
uh, but make sure
that you only talk
you only mention, uh,
the nice stuff.
You can also talk about
the health of your plant,
but don't mention that
it's a painful reminder
of your ex, uh,
who gave it to you,
uh, because she loved you
even though you were
emotionally unavailable,
uh, to her.
Pets are, uh, really good
to talk about too.
You can always talk about pets.
But much like in real estate,
uh, location is everything
when you're making small talk.
You could pose the same question
in two, uh,
different environments
and receive
wildly different answers.
You could ask a question
to a philosopher
Do you think mankind
is gonna make a comeback?
I hope so. (SIGHS)
Um, if we can survive the perils
of climate change, inequality,
and, um, the fantastic
weapons of destruction
we've created for ourselves.
JOHN: But that same question,
uh, might get a much different
answer at WrestleMania.
Do you think Mankind
is gonna make a comeback?
No, not today.
He fell off too many
Hell in a Cells.
-JOHN: Oh, really?
-Yeah.
JOHN: What about mankind
in general?
Oh! Mankind, like,
the whole world?
I mean, it's not bad,
it could be better,
but I'm happy with my life, so.
JOHN: What do you, uh,
what do you do?
Uh, I catch child predators.
If you wanna look me up,
it's Mr. 17540 on Facebook.
That's what I do
in my spare time.
JOHN: You catch child predators?
-Yes, I do.
-JOHN: How?
I set up the stings online,
and I Facebook Live 'em,
and I go and get 'em.
-JOHN: Really?
-Yes, sir.
JOHN: At the end
of our conversation,
the gentleman invited me
to his headquarters
-in Pennsylvania.
-(SYNTH MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
And I figured
I could learn something
by heading out there
to see him in action.
So, what's going on today?
Well, we're gonna go catch us
a predator today.
JOHN: Yeah?
Do you have something set up?
Oh, yeah, a guy's 28 years old,
he knows that I'm 15,
and told him to bring condoms,
and he's gonna try to meet me
for sex.
JOHN: Because his job involves
keeping people engaged
for long periods of time,
I figured he would have
some insight
into sustaining
friendly conversations.
(CELL PHONE DINGS)
JOHN: So, what are you saying
to this person right now?
So, he just told me
Like I said, I find these guys,
I look at their profile,
I ask 'em questions.
I I said I liked his dogs.
He said, "Thank you."
Right away, he says,
"It's a Norwegian elkhound
and a chocolate Lab,"
and "What are you doing
on here, then?"
Because I told him I'm 15.
We'll tell him
I'm just looking for fun
and that my grandma
used to have dogs like that.
JOHN: Did your grandma
really have dogs like that?
No, hell no.
JOHN: It seems like
when you're having small talk,
it's okay to lie
if it helps you avoid
uh, getting too personal,
because that can be
a real turn off.
You know, I've had people
just vent their problems
like, "My mother-in-law
is in the hospital,"
or "My girlfriend
just cheated on me,"
and those are
the people, like, I
Well, I'm not here
for a conversation like that.
And I just block 'em
and go to the next one.
JOHN: But in the middle
of our conversation,
his plans fell through.
Damn it!
Now he's saying
he doesn't wanna do it,
and he's bailing out
at the last second.
Like, the best I can say
is like,
"Okay, thanks
for wasting my day.
I took school off today."
JOHN: So, I guess try not
to say too much,
or else you might scare
someone away.
Because the more you talk
to someone,
the harder it is to hide
who you really are.
I got a rug
off Craigslist recently.
The ad said that there were
a few blood stains on the rug
from a stress-related incident.
Uh, but it was free.
When I got to the storage space
to pick it up,
instead of the small talk
about interior decorating
that I expected,
the guy just spent
the entire time
telling me about his divorce.
JOHN: It can be hard
to keep a conversation
in a safe zone
when you're filled
with so much pain.
RUG GUY: My ex-wife demanded
I get rid of my shit.
JOHN: But an expert small talker
will know how to
suppress these emotions
and appear stable,
no matter how much pressure
is building up inside.
For example, if you need to
retrieve a sweater
from someone
that you used to date, uh,
start first by sending them
a text message.
And if you discover that
they had deleted your number,
uh, just calmly remind them, uh,
of your name.
It might have been a while
since you've seen them,
so when you go
to their apartment
to pick it up,
make sure
to keep the conversation light
and focused on the sweater.
Which should be easy for you
because, uh, before you stopped
seeing each other,
uh, she she told you that
you were too closed off.
And when she brings up
that she's dating someone new,
uh, just, uh, wish her well
and bike home
as quickly as possible.
If if you do want to talk
to someone
about your previous
relationships,
you should only do it
with your really close friends,
who you can call up anytime
to reminisce.
FRANCIS: (OVER PHONE) I don't
know if we've ever talked
about any of our exes
with each other.
(LAUGHING) I don't know
JOHN: Okay.
FRANCIS: I don't know if
you and I have ever, uh,
bro-ed down like that.
JOHN: You I guess
you don't always need
to talk about personal stuff,
uh, for someone to technically
be your friend.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
And if you're not a big talker
in general,
you can use a popular technique
called baiting
to get people to talk to you.
Uh, baiting involves
wearing or doing something
that will invite conversation.
This could be a fashion choice
or a method of transportation.
The way you move,
the way you eat.
A new haircut is good bait.
Or you can just
dress like a hose.
Wearing a band T-shirt
is a popular way
to get someone to talk to you
in public.
But if you can't afford
to go to, um,
a Blue Chip concert,
you can always go see
a cover band
that has a name that's similar
to a, uh, a real band.
-(BAGPIPE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(CHEERING)
JOHN: Once you've seen enough,
sprint over to the merch table
to, uh, beat the crowd
and pick out the boldest apparel
that you can afford.
Then you're gonna go
to the tallest elevator
in your city, uh,
and it won't be long
until someone takes the bait
and starts a conversation
with you.
ELEVATOR WOMAN:
JOHN: Have you heard of them?
JOHN: Yeah, they're bagpipers.
ELEVATOR WOMAN:
JOHN: They're a bagpipe
cover band.
ELEVATOR WOMAN:
JOHN: Once you have
enough small talk with someone,
they will eventually become
an acquaintance.
To be a successful acquaintance,
you will need to have, uh,
broad interests
and, uh, relatable flaws.
And no matter how awful
your life currently is,
you can never reveal this
to another acquaintance.
So it requires a bit
of camouflage.
You want to seem like someone
who is busy,
but also likes to relax.
That's why going on vacation
will give you enough ammunition
for years' worth of, uh,
encounters.
So just go to a travel agency
and ask what the most popular
destinations are.
I can send you to Punta Cana,
Cancún, Jamaica.
Any of those places
will be my places to go to.
JOHN: Cancún?
Cancún sounds good.
It's just one person
in the room?
Or are you going to be sharing
the room with someone else?
-JOHN: No, it's just me.
-Okay.
JOHN: And if your travel agent
starts talking
about relationships,
uh, don't reciprocate,
and just wait
for the transaction to complete.
-TRAVEL AGENT: Eighty-six?
-JOHN: Yeah.
TRAVEL AGENT:
I got married in that year.
Don't wanna remember that
too much. (LAUGHS)
-JOHN: Uh
-I was married for 20 years.
JOHN: Okay.
Relationships, you know,
they start, they end.
So I think, uh,
love cannot be forever.
Relationships are not forever,
and I'm I'm okay with it.
I'm, you know, if if I find
someone else, great,
I'm not looking, but hey,
if he comes along,
let's see who can deal with me.
'Cause I'm not that easy.
But hey.
Would I marry
the same type of person again?
No. But at that point,
I wanted to? Yes.
And did I have fun? Yes.
Could I have done better? Yes.
But that's what's coming next.
So let's see what happens.
I'll let you know.
-JOHN: Thank you.
-You're welcome.
-JOHN: I appreciate it.
-No problem.
JOHN: It's hard to understand
why people decide to tell you
certain things at certain times.
And you might end up wondering
what the deal is.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS,
STOPS ABRUPTLY) ♪
When someone opens up to you,
you might feel the need
to reciprocate
-out of politeness.
-(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
But this comes with a big risk
because an exchange of feelings
may cause you to be swept up
in a relationship,
uh, that you're not
prepared for.
So it's important to know
how to navigate the interaction
uh, back to calm waters.
We can learn a lot from people
that work at, uh,
big retail stores.
They are specifically trained
to stick to a script,
and as you can see,
any time the conversation
enters controversial territory,
they will gently pivot, uh,
back to the sale.
How do you feel about
kids getting vaccinated?
-JOHN: Okay.
-APPLE STORE EMPLOYEE: Yeah.
JOHN: The president sucks, huh?
(LAUGHS)
JOHN: I was looking
for some kind of suit
-for, like, a court date.
-BERGDORF EMPLOYEE: Cool.
JOHN: I'm going to court.
JOHN: Uh, for manslaughter.
JOHN: But unfortunately,
most of us don't have the shield
of a corporation to, uh, help us
shut people down.
So if you're in public
with someone,
and a conversation enters
dangerous territory,
it seems like a quick touch
is a nice way
to let people know
that you've had enough.
Just touch and go
touch and go
touch and go.
But even after you've touch-ed
and go-ed,
your problems
still might not be over.
(BEEPING)
JOHN: So if you can't make it
onto the subway,
just open up
the closest door to you
and hope that there's something
better on the other side.
(SYNTH MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
JOHN: And once you've escaped,
you'll finally be alone.
(QUIET MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
This way, you can avoid
having a mild beef
with anyone else.
No sharing, no talking,
no "Let's do this again."
Just you on your own terms,
on your own time,
and in your own world.
Because, remember,
sharing your most
intimate thoughts with someone
can be a disturbing
and messy experience.
You're trusting them
to take on
the full weight
of all your problems
and handle them with care.
And who knows what they'll do,
once they finally get home
and begin to run the forensics
on everything you said.
And even though
an intimate connection
may look attractive
out in the wild,
don't forget that the life
of a relationship
always seems to follow
the same pattern.
(MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(INAUDIBLE)
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
JOHN: I was feeling
a bit off lately,
but I couldn't quite
pin down why.
(QUIET MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Fortunately,
a vacation is a great way
to take your mind off things.
And I had booked
that relaxing trip to Cancún,
and it was time to go.
It would be nice to get some,
uh, peace and quiet.
Away from all the, uh, people.
I had a really good feeling
about this trip.
I arrived late at night,
so after checking in,
I headed straight to my room.
The bed looked
really comfortable,
uh, which was great,
because I was here to relax.
The shower was okay too.
The next morning,
I got some, uh, breakfast,
and I was looking forward to
a relaxing afternoon
by the pool.
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
That's when I discovered
that my supposedly serene,
all-inclusive resort
was hosting MTV's Spring Break
during the entire week
that I was there.
This was a waking nightmare
that seemed to occupy
every inch of the resort.
The rules of polite society
did not apply here.
People were jumping
from stranger, uh,
to acquaintance
and back to stranger
within a matter of minutes.
And no one was wearing a shirt
I could comment on.
Their methods of communication
were incredibly advanced.
And dressing like a hose
was normal here.
These creatures were
an evolved species
of social animal.
And everyone seemed
to be praying
to a dark overlord
named Pauly D.
His nightly sermons
were mandatory,
and he seemed to cast a spell
over all the residents
at the resort.
No one could escape
his watchful eye.
He was the pope of Spring Break,
and his rule was absolute.
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Pauly D!
JOHN: My room was starting
to feel a bit claustrophobic,
but I was afraid to, uh,
go back outside
without a clear objective.
I figured I would have
to, uh, eat eventually,
so I got in line for
what I thought was
one of the buffets.
But when I finally
got to the front,
it turned out to be
a rowdy concert
that was airing live on MTV.
-(MUSIC THUMPING) ♪
-(CROWD CHANTING)
JOHN: As I started looking
for a way out,
a young boy behind me
started showing me his condoms.
Then someone handed me
a bottle of piss,
which I immediately threw
to the ground.
Then the MTV crew
started, uh, pointing at me
and seemed very angry,
and I couldn't tell why.
JOHN: Apparently,
I was in every single shot
and ruining
the entire broadcast,
uh, because I looked
so distressed.
(ZARA LARSSON
SINGING "RUIN MY LIFE") ♪
I want you
To bring it all on ♪
If you make it all wrong
Then I'll make it all right ♪
JOHN: I was starting to wonder
why I felt so out of place here.
This event was a mecca
of superficial interactions.
But for some reason,
I just couldn't fit in.
That night,
I met someone in the lobby
who had also come here
by himself.
His name was Chris,
and he wanted to sing for me.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(RAPPING)
Yo, hit the throttle ♪
Black Monte Carlo ♪
P-paint dripping
Push it, work ♪
H-hit the pedal
Push it to the metal ♪
C-cook it up, that's ♪
Hold up, hold up.
JOHN: He invited me back
to his room, uh,
with a few others to hang out.
You gotta live
how you wanna live.
And don't abide
by the bullshit laws
that the world has, bro.
Like, do what you wanna do.
Life's too short.
JOHN: All they wanted
to talk about was partying,
but I got the sense that, uh,
we had more in common
than I initially thought.
Do you feel like you have
ever have social anxiety?
I really do have social anxiety,
probably because
I smoke too much weed.
JOHN: Eventually I left,
and, uh, went back to my room,
uh, to watch a movie,
uh, before
before going to sleep.
The next morning, uh, I got up
early to beat the crowds
and I ran into Chris again.
He told me that he
he lost his bag
at, uh, the club last night,
and didn't have
his cell phone anymore.
Yeah, I lost my bag.
At Coyote Loco.
-JOHN: What were you doing?
-Drinking, I guess.
JOHN: Why'd you come here alone?
Why did I come alone?
I just wanted to party, man.
Wanted to fall in love.
(LAUGHS) Nah, I'm just joking.
JOHN: At the end
of our conversation,
I asked him if, uh, he wanted
to grab dinner with me.
But he said that his schedule,
uh, wouldn't permit it.
I gotta go
and find my bag now, bro.
JOHN: Okay.
I was starting to have
stomach pains
from, uh,
the cuisine at the resort,
so I decided to head
to the hotel next door
to treat myself
to a fancy dinner, uh, for one.
(VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
The water there
had its own metal holder
so the waiter didn't have
to touch the, uh, bottle
with his hands.
I felt like royalty.
But the whole dinner,
I I couldn't stop
thinking about,
uh, the empty seat
right across from me.
The rest of the week,
I tried to make myself useful.
I watched some guys
playing tennis for little while
and tried to help out
where I could.
But it seemed like everyone
already had their own group,
and they all seemed
impenetrable.
-Hey, guys.
-How you doing?
-JOHN: How are you doing?
-Good, how are you?
JOHN: Where are you going?
-Back to our room, bro.
-Yeah.
-Get breakfast.
-And then grab some breakfast.
JOHN: Where's your room?
-In the hotel.
-(CHUCKLES)
JOHN: How do you guys
know each other?
-All right, I'm out. Fuck this.
-We go to school together.
JOHN: Oh, okay.
And then I spotted Chris again.
(SHOUTING) Chris!
What are you doing?
Beautiful Mexico.
What's the temperature
in New York right now?
JOHN: I don't know. Fifty?
-Fifty?
-JOHN: Yeah.
-Fahrenheit?
-JOHN: Yeah.
(WOMEN GIGGLING)
They're gonna think
I'm a superstar now.
-(LAUGHS) I'm just joking.
-(JOHN CHUCKLES)
-Uh
-I'm Pauly
I'm Pauly D's nephew.
WOMAN:
That's gotta be a hockey player.
Yeah, yeah, I'm a hockey player.
Typical girls, man.
Basic, basic, basic.
-JOHN: Typical girls?
-Typical females.
JOHN: Like, what do you mean?
Everybody's the same,
nobody's real.
It's hard to even conversate
with anybody down here.
JOHN: Why?
'Cause they're just too busy
and occupied about
just I don't really know,
man, just being
just being typical.
JOHN: It seems like
you were trying to avoid me.
Today? I was trying
to avoid everybody today, man.
This takes a toll on you
down here.
JOHN: Was I making you
uncomfortable?
No. Well, actually, yeah,
a little bit, a little bit.
JOHN: Why was I
making you uncomfortable?
Cause I didn't
I just didn't know what was
I just don't know
I don't know.
I can't explain it.
You live in a condo in New York,
or is it a house?
JOHN: No, I live
in an apartment building.
Oh, nice.
JOHN: Uh, with one
with two ladies
that live underneath me.
It's, like,
a mother and daughter.
That's sweet, nice.
JOHN: Who lives in your house?
Just me and my dog.
-JOHN: You have a dog?
-Yeah.
He's my best friend, man.
That's that's the
that's the truth. (CHUCKLES)
I can't wait to see him
when I get home.
-JOHN: What's his name?
-Jack.
JOHN: Have you ever
had a pet that died?
When I was a kid, yeah.
JOHN: What was that pet?
His name was Lucky.
He wasn't so lucky, though.
He got hit by a car.
-JOHN: He got hit by a car?
-Yeah, I was a little boy, man.
JOHN: Um
I, uh, I used to have a cat,
when I was growing up,
called named Fluffy,
and she died.
That sucks, bro.
That's what happens.
That's life, though
unfortunately.
JOHN: I also had
a friend that died recently.
He was in, like, a car accident.
That's terrible.
JOHN: Uh
and that was really hard.
Yeah, I feel your pain,
trust me.
JOHN: Um
Yo, is this true?
Is this for real?
-JOHN: Yeah.
-I'm sorry, bro.
My my friend
just killed himself,
before I came here.
-JOHN: Before you came here?
-Well
about 30 days before.
Probably low-key why I
why I am out here, you know?
Whether I know it or not,
I think that the universe
just put me here,
I don't really know.
I feel like I really needed
to get away.
-JOHN: That's really heavy.
-Yeah, it's brutal.
It's my first close friend
I ever really lost.
(CAN CRINKLING)
So, do you like New York?
(LAUGHS)
(MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JOHN: I returned to New York
the next day,
and it was nice to be back home
in my element.
Although, I'm not sure
I could ever look at my city
the same way again.
The world is full of people
that need to get something
off their chest.
And even though it can be risky
to open up,
it's worth it
when you find the right person.
Otherwise, stuff will just
keep, uh, building up,
and you need to sift out
all that bad stuff
uh, once in a while.
And, uh, then you'll
you'll be in a better place.
And, uh,
once you take care of that,
you'll finally be able to return
to a blissful world
of small talk.
This is John Wilson.
Thanks for watching.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(SOOTHING MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
JOHN WILSON:
I even met someone
who used scaffolding
on a romantic date.
You left me outside
when it rained.
That was interesting.
(MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪