Huff (2004) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
Episode Title : Pilot But you've been feeling so much better.
I know.
So why do you wanna stop taking your medication? I don't know.
I'm just not having any fun anymore.
It's like I'm missing out.
Well, what do you miss, specifically? Specifically? Promiscuity, hallucinogens, and self-mutilation.
I see.
Well, here's the thing, You've actually made a lot of progress.
Remember we talked about keeping things simple and not complicating your life when you don't have to? Fine.
I'll just leave, then.
Sure would be easier than staying together.
Ok, that's not what I meant by keeping things simple.
But he knows that every time he cracks a knuckle, it's like biting down on a piece of foil for me.
I swear, my stomach gets into a knot, and I wanna hurt him.
I hate that sound.
Well, what does he do when you ask him to stop? I've never asked him.
I mean Ok Well, how would feel about saying something like, "honey, could you please stop cracking your knuckles?" "It makes me nuts.
" "I don't know why it makes me nuts, I wish it didn't, but it does.
" Like that? Well, in your own words.
And nicely, Monique, with no anger.
Don't scream it at him! What? You were falling asleep.
Really? I swear, it's getting worse.
I used to just fall asleep, and now I'm breaking into hysterical laughter and falling flat on my face.
It's a tough one.
I'm sleeping through my life.
I'm afraid we have to stop.
Same time next week, ok? Until then, don't drive.
Well, I keep the windows rolled down, the radio loud.
No driving, Norma.
And I want you to try ritalin.
Ritalin? Let's do 2 after breakfast and 2 after lunch, ok? Well, I'm not hyperactive, Dr.
Huffstodt.
You're not active at all.
That's part of the problem.
Sue, ritalin, 10 milligrams, And Karen has your new insurance forms.
I'm off to lunch with Russell.
Come right here, dear.
I highlighted it for you by the purple "X.
" You have a 2:00.
- See you next week, Norma.
- Yeah.
And here is the balance you owe.
Honey, wake up.
You know I can't bend over.
Now come onwake up.
Oh, shoot.
Well, so tell her not to come, honey.
You want me to uninvite your mother? Sure.
No, you had your chance to do that 3 years ago, and you caved when she bribed you with the house.
You love that house more than I do.
I think I'll make pork chops for dinner tonight.
Your mother hates pork.
Hey, I could bring home a bong or a hash pipe.
I wonder if Martha Stewart makes hash pipes.
She'd make a fortune.
She could run a mail-order business out of her cell.
Can you imagine your mother stoned? I'd rather not.
Hey! What? The bong-maker checked me out.
Pig.
Where are you, anyway? Santa Monica art fair.
Bong shopping? No.
No, I was hoping I could find a portrait artist.
A client of mine is throwing a party for her top salespeople.
Wants to call it "winners hall of fame" or something like that.
Yes, ma'am.
I will see you at 7:00? Huff? Huff? Yeah.
7:00, 7:00, 7:00.
Put out that cigarette.
E's claiming sexual harassment.
I thought you said he never touched her? Exactly.
She's suing because she wasn't harassed.
You're joking, right? Fuck, no.
It's actually sexual discrimination, pure and simple.
Look, all the chicks in this office get their titties gawked and their asses pinched, and then, to shut 'em up, they get a raise or some stupid promotion.
That's sexual harassment.
No! That's "setting the office standard," which means that this behavior has become accepted practice in the culture of this office.
So, when my client, a delicious little redhead with no neck, doesn't get tweaked and then doesn't get a promotion, it's sexual discrimination in reversesort of.
Happs all the time, Well, maybe not all the time, but there's precedent.
Could I get some olives, please? Never should have fired her.
Yes, he should've.
Why should he fire her? Because she's nuts.
She's not nuts.
Yes, she is.
It's funny that you say that she's nuts, because, truthfully, I desperately need you to testify in court for me that she's not.
Please? No.
Please? I never say "please.
" No.
As a favor.
No.
Fee involved.
I don't care.
Substantial fee? I just told you I think she's crazy.
You want me to testify under oath that she's not? Oath is archaic.
Means very little these days.
- Jesus.
- Come on.
Toss her a little jigsaw puzzle and then testify that she's highly intelligent and functional, which, by the way, she is.
Apart from the fact that she doesn't have a neck.
She has a neck.
She just hides it, that's all.
Well, based on what you've told me, like the time she used a stapler to try to turn her boss into Jesus Christ, I'd say she has some very deep-rooted rage issues that don't have shit to do with sexual harassment.
Doesn't mean she's crazy.
Come on, one psychological evaluation in exchange for a substantial fee and free legal services.
I don't need any free legal services.
Maybe not today, but life is long.
What kind of fee are we talking about? Several hundred thousand dollars.
Really? No.
Hello.
Yeah.
Well, shit, Karen, he can't do that.
What the hell.
Fill it up.
Ok.
No, it's ok.
Put him in my office, but tell him I only have 15 minutes, ok? I have a 2:00.
Ok, bye.
I have to go.
We're having a nice little lunch here.
A patient of mine came out to his parents, and his dad threatened to kill him.
Sit down.
He's not gonna kill him during our lunch.
I know, but his father's not my patient, he is.
What do I, uh Forget it.
Put it away.
Just remember my little proposition.
Think about that, all right? Ok.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
I'm so, so sorry.
Could I have a minute of your time? - Oh, I don't have -- - You don't have a minute? No$, I really don't.
Please, mister, I don't want to bother you, but-- Ok, ok.
Here, here.
5.
No, no.
I don't want your money.
You don't? I told you, just your time.
You see, I'm a musician.
I'm from Hungary, and I've written a symphony, and my wife and my children are still in Budapest.
I have 4 children, and I have not talked to them in a very long time.
Right, and you stopped me because because I need a phone card.
One of those plastic telephone things that I see the people buy at the 7-eleven.
I have to talk to my wife.
You don't want money, but you want a phone card.
Yes, that's right.
Yeah, but a phone card costs money.
Yes, I know.
Nice car.
How about Ok, would a 20 buy you the phone card? With the 5, yes.
Ok, ok.
Here.
Here's $25, ok? Thank you very much.
Thank you very, very much.
- Call home.
- Yeah.
Hey.
When's the last time you ate? Full meal or trash-can doughnut? Full meal.
All right, look.
My wife is making pork chops for dinner.
If you like, you can come back to our place and grab a shower and some fresh clothes.
Would you like that? Sure.
Hey! Sorry.
Sorry.
Hey, is he here? I told him you only had 15 minutes.
Good.
Thank you.
Are you Dr.
Huffstodt? Yes.
I'm Eric Harston.
Hi.
I've never done this before, and I'm pretty nervous.
Listen, there's nothing to be nervous about, I promise.
We can talk about it in your session, ok? I won't be long.
It was awful, man.
It didn't go anything like we talked about.
Tell me.
I told 'em I had to talk to them, you know, that it was important, and dad said maybe after they got back from the club, and I said, "no," you know, because because that might be too late.
So what happened? Mom asked me what could possibly be so important it couldn't just wait and I just, you know, I just said it.
I said, "I'm gay.
" Good.
There was this really weird silence, you know, like for the first time in their lives, they didn't didn't know what to say, and, um, you know, which was kind of cool, you know, 'cause it was my silence, you know, even though it only lasted for a couple seconds before dad called me a little son of a bitch, and mom slapped me and started crying.
Took her, what, 5 seconds to make it about herself? Yeah.
And she got real pinched up and demanded I tell her what she'd done wrong.
You know, she looked at me, and she goes, "you tell me.
" I'm gonna throw up, man.
Just breathe.
This is all really good.
So I told her, you know.
I said--I said, you know, tweaking my penis between her fingers when I was, like, you know, let anybody else touch it but her probably didn't help.
Good, good for you.
And, yeah, you know, and, man, she went fucking nuts.
Dad told me to shut up, so, you know, I asked him if he knew she stuck her tongue down my throat when I was, like, 10 and told me that's how french people kissed, and, you know, he said something like, you know, I'd be better off dead if I didn't stop lying all over the place and, you know, I told him I wasn't lying 'cause, you know, I wasn't I wasn't fucking lying, you know? And, you know, I looked at her and she looked she looked really scared and then she ran out of the room and I came here.
Well, I know this really sucks, but you just took a huge step toward being free.
No, really, Sam.
I'm proud of you.
But, Sam, the message Karen gave me said that he was gonna kill you, which is very different from him saying you're better off dead.
Umwhat do you-- what do you-- I don't get it.
What are you saying? I'm saying I don't think your father really threatened to kill you.
Wh--what's-- what's that, man? Why are you-- why are you siding with them on this shit, man? Sam, I'm not taking their-- I'm not.
Sam, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
- No-- - Yes, you are.
You know what? I can't--fuck it! You know what? Fuck you! Who gives a shit? Who cares, man? You're supposed to be thinking about what I'm feeling here, you know? Not what I fucking SD.
You know what? There's no fucking-- there's no way.
There's no way.
Sam, put the gun down right now, and we'll talk about it.
We already talked about it.
Sam! Hey! Hey! Aah! He's trying to kill me.
Pork chops.
Ha! He's a doctor, for god's sake.
Well, they're very lean.
How can they be lean? They're pork chops, aren't they? You know, that's one thing I will say for those jews.
Their food is clean.
Hey, gram.
Oh, darling.
Kiss, kiss, kiss.
Ooh, pork chops great, mom.
Hello.
Oh, hey, sweetie.
How far away are you? No.
You're not too late.
What horrible thing? Sam? What did he do? Who's Sam? His parents? Well, couldn't you just call them? I mean, how badly is he hurt? Oh, Huff.
Did it ever cross that sick mind of yours that maybe, just maybe, you're the guilty party? None of this started -- the horrible dreams, the hate -- until he started to see you.
"I'm gay, I'm gay.
" He was only 15 years old.
What did he tell you about me? He didn't know what the hell he was.
No, don't tell me.
I don't want to know, because none of it's true--none of it! Where did he find you? You know, this is not over! I never touched him! Why are you doing this to me? - You get out of my house right now! - Get out! Get out! You're supposed to be thinking about what I'm feeling here.
Bravo! Encore! B ravo! No! Dad? Are you ok? You are not ok.
Nothing empties a psychiatrist's office faster than a suicide.
I'm sure he's going to handle it just fine, Izzy.
Well, then, why do you look terrified? I am not terrified.
I am concerned.
You should be.
He could lose everything.
Mom When your father was alive-- Dad isn't dead, mother.
Well, he is to me.
It's Russell for you.
Mm! Good.
You could use a lawyer.
I don't need a lawyer.
I just need to ask him a few questions.
Like, am I going to be tried for murder? Hey.
I got your message.
What happened? Oh, a 15-year old patient of mine went off, or rather, a gun went off, only it happened to be in my patient's mouth, who happened to be in my office.
This is all fucked up.
This is completely fucked up.
Tell me about it.
No, no, no, no.
Not you.
Not you, pal.
You're gonna be fine.
You're gonna be just fine.
Yeah.
I wish I could believe that.
I just spoke to his parents.
You didn't.
Well, somebody had to tell 'em.
Like the coroner, maybe? What did you say to 'em? You know, I don't even remember.
All I know is, they asked for my lawyer and I gave them your number.
You know what? You should come in here first thing in the morning.
Molly?! Molly! Move know net to 10:00 and push euthanasia to 11:00! Euthanasia? Yeah.
Some guy in his 20s fell out of a plane.
He's on life support.
His brain is showing less activity than your cock, so his parents want to pull the plug.
Molly! I'm on the phone! Maybe I'm overreacting, huh? Well, Huff, you know, a 15-year-old kid just blew his brains out in your office.
I'm in a lot of trouble, aren't I? No, you're not.
This is--you know, shit happens all the time.
You're gonna be just fine.
Well, I wish I was as confident as you are.
Don't you worry, pal.
I'm taking care of you.
You're not even paying for that fucking rug.
What did he say? Nothing, mom.
Let me talk to him.
Look, I gotta go.
I'll see you tomorrow, ok? Thanks a lot.
My god.
What? Is that blood? No.
It can't be.
I just showered.
Well, you are gonna have to shower again.
Beth, where's your clorox? What? Mother, I'm not going to bleach my face.
Are you trying to kill him? This from a woman who serves pork.
Do I have to spell it out for you? That was blood, and that little fella was a homosexual.
Wow! Oh, all right.
Just--just forget it.
Forget that I care.
Huh! I should have stayed up in the garage.
It's a guest house, mother.
A 4-room guest house.
Promise me that you'll wash! I will wash.
Poor, tortured little homosexual.
Well, thank god you outgrew that phase.
I want her out.
But she doesn't live here.
She lives 30 feet away.
It's the same thing.
I can't flush the toilet at night without her asking me if it was a so*lid bowel movement.
I mean it.
I want her out.
She can buy anything she wants.
Ok.
Can we talk about this tomorrow? We just need to set up a boundary or two.
It'll work out.
Boundaries.
Ok, guidelines, rules, whatever.
What would you tell a patient who is 42 years old, married, with a child, who still lived with his mother? I don't live with my mother.
All right.
What would you tell a patient who is 42 years old, married, with a son, whose mother still lived with him? Have you forgotten what happened today? Please, not tonight.
Ok, all right.
I'm sorry.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Good night.
Good night.
Huff.
Yeah? What exactly did Izzy mean about you outgrowing that you know, homosexual stage? You do it yet? Not yet.
You? Uh-uh.
What are you thinking about? Judy burgh's tits.
You? Sure.
Judy burgh's tits.
Almost.
Wait a minute.
Whoa! It's huge! Oh, my god! What are you doing in here? Good evening, Mrs.
Huffstodt.
Oh! Well, I have some good news.
There seems to be absolutely no statute which governs liability in the situation where a patient commits suicide, which, as you know, is your situation.
So, in that sense, you're home free.
So why is my office a crime scene? Because your patient broke the law when he killed himself.
Suicide is illegal.
I know, I know.
Welcome to America.
Yes? Kronowitz is here.
Lasso her on in here, Mol.
Walk you to the elevator? There she is.
There's my girl.
Oh, it's so good to see you*! Listen to me.
You go wait for me in my office, ok? You get comfortable.
I'll be right back.
Right in there.
There you go.
She's kind of weirdly hot, don't you think? No.
You always kiss your clients on the mouth? Yes.
I have to.
I told you.
This one's gotta feel fuckable in front of that jury.
You know what? She will.
You're not gonna win this one.
Yes, I am.
You mark my words.
That cute little no-neck steps off the stand, every guy on the jury will be dying to bone her.
Oh, no, they won't.
Oh, by the way, got a call from the kid's parents' attorney, guy hardly ever loses.
Should be fun.
I'll call you tonight.
My friend! I have good news! Great.
You're not going to hear my good news? Sure.
What's up? I might have a job playing guitar in a little bar over on Manchester, but I have one small, little problem.
I'm not buying you a guitar.
No, no.
I have a guitar.
Really? You couldn't sell it and buy a phone card, huh? I need a synthesizer.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, please.
I'm not asking for your money.
Ok, all right.
Here's some money.
Take my money, ok? Just stop asking for me, ok? Fucking hell! Here.
I'm sorry.
I had no idea.
Please accept my apologies.
No idea of -- hey! No idea of what? I thought you were an angel.
I apologize.
Now, leave me alone.
Ok.
All right.
Ok.
You win.
Jesus Christ.
What do you want? What? Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure.
Ok.
I need to rent a synthesizer to record instrumental background to play behind me when I audition with my guitar.
Now, they want a credit card for security.
The only card I have is the phone card.
Ok.
Meet me tomorrow at 11 A.
M.
At that sculpture, ok? We'll rent you a synthesizer and get you a cheap motel room or something and you can go to work.
Really? Yeah, really.
I'll be there.
Good.
Good! Ok.
So, I'll see you then.
Yeah.
I'll see you tomorrow, 11:00, the nezoliti.
The nezoliti? Yeah.
The artist of the sculpture.
Ah! Thank you.
I can't believe I just did that.
You are a good person.
Thank you.
Dad? Hey.
Umyou got a sec? Sure.
Should I be worrying about you? Of course not.
Well, I mean, I always worry about you 'cause you're my dad and I love you, but this is the first time you've lost a patient like this, and I know how much you care.
You do? Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Sometimes I think you care too much, dad.
It wasn't your fault.
Well, I hope not.
Do I need to worry about you? You know, so far, so good.
I mean, I'm not gonna bring a gun to school.
I'm not shooting dope.
I'm not in a gang.
I don't suffer from peer pressure.
I'm not suicidal.
You know it would be ok, don't you? What, to off myself? To be whoever you are.
Ok, well, I'm not gay, dad, which is a miracle considering I used to spend my summers with gram.
All right.
Thanks, buddy.
Yeah.
It's probably gonna be ok, you know, and if you ever feel like it's not you can always come to me, 'cause I'm your son, and nothing will ever change that.
Ok.
Ok.
Good night, dad.
Night, Byrd.
Huff? Honey.
Hey.
Why didn't you come to bed last night? I don't know.
I didn't know I didn't.
Maybe you were snoring.
I woke up.
You weren't there.
I didn't like that.
I'm sorry.
No.
I just missed you, that's all.
I'll get you coffee.
Ok.
Hey.
Hey.
I would have gotten that for you.
It's ok.
You want some eggs? No.
I'm not really hungry.
You have to eat, sweetie.
Do not.
I like having breakfast together.
You're usually out of the house before everyone else.
Yeah.
Well, enjoy it while it lasts.
Mm I wonder how long it takes to get bone fragments oume of plaster? Oh, stop! All right.
No, no.
I mean stop about the bone fragments.
Are you sure? Oh! Are you positive? It's good to hear you laugh.
Mmmit is good to laugh.
Hello.
Hey, bud.
What are you doing right now? I'm making out with my wife in the kitchen.
Uh-huh.
I kind of need your help.
Well, I'm busy.
Can you put it on hold? I'm at the hospital, and I really need you to come over here.
Uh, what are you doing there? He didn't die, Huff.
Who didn't die? I'm with the euthanasia people, and the skydiver dude, they pulled the plug on him he kept breathing, and I swear to god, I swear to god I saw the son of a bitch smile.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.
Thank you, pal.
I really, really owe you.
I still don't know what you expect me to do about it.
Well, you know, we're just having a lot of feelings, you know? Come on.
Carolyn? Carolyn, excuse me.
This is Dr.
Craig Huffstodt.
He's the psychiatrist I was telling you about.
He's very experienced with these sort of, um and incidentally, he can write you a prescription for anything you might need.
It'sunbelievable.
He's supposed to be cremated tomorrow.
They better give me my deposit back.
Has this ever happened before? I--I really don't know.
Well, he, um he looks good.
He's brain-dead.
Right.
This is so hard.
What about his will? Well, wills are for dead people, and seeing as how he didn't die, as we were assured he was going to, his will is not in effect.
Meaning I get nothing? You motherfucker! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Maybe we should talk about this out in the hallway, hmm? Why?! He can't hear! He can't see! And for the first time in his life, he can't talk.
But you're still in control, aren't ya? Some people never change.
I want a divorce! Wellum I can help you with that.
I can--I can-- Well, I'm sorry you had to hear that.
Um uhkale.
Wow.
You're even named after a vegetable.
Thank you, sweetheart.
Thank you so much.
She wants you.
Oh, she does not.
- Oh, yes, she does.
- No.
Yes, she does, and you know something? You want her, too, and that's ok.
Yeah, well, if I didn't have everything I wanted to do and he, I'd be dead.
Something you might want to think about, by the way.
You know, you're the only guy I know who can make pick-up sex sound like collecting garbage on the 405 in a big, orange jump suit.
It's just cause and effect, my friend.
It's simple physics.
I'm not talking about physics.
I'm talking about pussy-puss.
See, that's an action which is usually followed by a reaction.
Joy or guilt? Bliss or remorse? Sometimes life or fucking death? Ok, but I have a question.
Is it ok if I continue, on occasion, to masturbate in my office during lunchtime? I'm just saying sex is rarely, if ever, for fun or for free.
Could have fooled me.
I'm sorry.
Why did Valerie dump you again? Valerie dumped me because I wouldn't fertilize her eggs.
I told you that.
You told me she dumped you because she walked in on you drunk out of your mind in bed with her sister.
Did I really tell you that? No.
I made it up.
When the fuck did I tell you that? All I know is, you loved Valerie very much, and Valerie is no longer a part of your life.
Neither is her sister, for that matter.
Excuse me.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Look at that.
I'm the one over tipping, yet it's your ass she'd eat in the parking lot? How does that work? Gee, as lovely as that sounds, I'm not sure my wife would appreciate it.
You know, Dr.
Phil, it's a beautiful day.
You gotta wake up and smell the pussy-puss.
Men are pigs, and you got an inner-pig, too, and that's ok.
Really, it's ok.
All inner-pigs aside, I've just been made really painfully aware of exactly how quickly people can leave this earth.
It's no secret that you get yourself into some questionable if not really dangerous situations every once in a while.
Just, please-- just think about taking a little bit better care of yourself.
Did we just share a moment? Because I didn't like it.
Who the fuck is shrinking who here, anyway? I thought I'm the one supposed to be making you feel better.
Listen, I've never been happier.
Really? Really.
Good.
How do you know she wants me? 'Cause she's your mother and you're the firstborn, that's why.
Every firstborn I ever met was so fawned over, they were practically social cripples by the time they left home.
Honey, are you smoking? Just admit it.
She's overprotective.
She's so frightened something bad is gonna happen to you-- which does not explain her wanting to bathe you in clorox.
But still, she's terrified to let you be a man.
It means she's getting old, and she can't stand that.
Honey, can you pick one channel? You flip so quick, I don't know how you can tell you don't like what you're watching so fast.
And I thought about what you said and I think you're right, which I know is music to your ears, but I've decided to make peace with her and stop being so antagonistic.
What's that affirmation? "The Christ in me salutes the Christ in you"? So the daughter-in-law Christ in me salutes the bitch cunt mother-in-law Christ in her.
But really, I will try.
Well, you didn't have to turn it off, honey.
So, I'm not gonna get home from school until about 7:00, but I want you to wait for me for dinner.
Is that butter or margarine? Butter.
Watch the heat.
Hello, darling.
Hi, gram.
Oh, and good morning, little Annie.
How are you, you precious little birdie? Oh, you're fine.
Are you good? Yes, you are.
Oh, you be the good birdie.
You be the very, very good birdie.
Yes.
Aren't you? Tweet for me.
Tweet-tweet for Izzy.
- Good morning.
- Tweet, damn it! It's a canary, Izzy.
Not a parrot.
Well, it's a bird.
Don't birds all tweet? Not that bird.
Dad, I want to do some volunteer wk at the pediatric cancer center, and they're saying I'm too young, so I need your consent.
Darling, why would you want to spend time with sick children? I don't see them as sick.
Sure, I'll sign it.
Ok, great.
It's in my room.
How sweet.
Oh, Beth, would you please do me a favor today? Would you pick me up a bottle of polish remover when you go to the store? Look at this.
Now they say it's sedona sunset, I think, but then yesterday, I saw Felicia's washing the toilet, and she had the same color.
All of a sudden, it looked orange.
I don't know.
Oh, you know what? Maybe you could go, Izzy.
I could give you my grocery list.
To the grocery storne? Yes, to the grocery store.
Mm-hmm.
Do you know where it is? Beth.
What? Please? Please, what? Oh, please.
Please don't start a fight, dear.
He's under enough pressure as it is, you know, without having to apologize for you again.
Pfft! Apologize for me? Thanks, mom.
When did you apologize for me? I never apologized for you.
Huff? What?! Did you apologize for something I did? Or for something I said? Or did you just apologize because you broke her heart and married me? You know, every once in a while, you can say things that are a little bit, you know -- just try to have a little patience, ok? She's my mother.
In case you'd forgotten.
Forgotten? You haven't taken your tit out of his mouth for 42 years.
It's amazing the man is still upright.
If anybody wants me, I'll be in a cheap motel room with a homeless Hungarian musician laying down tracks on a synthesizer.
Unbelievable.
Un-fucking-believable.
Filthy little urine-soaked Lawrence Welk of a fucking phone card, fucking scamming, little fucking little-- fucking--fuck! Oh, come on, ophelia.
I know you're in there.
I came to apologize.
That isn't necessary, dear.
Yes, it is.
I was very angry and completely out of line.
But you don't have to apologize for what you think.
But I was wrong, and I apologize.
Thank you.
Thank you, Beth.
And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm making some bridge mix.
Huff is having a really hard time right now, and he doesn't need the two of us going at each other.
He needs our love.
Beth, I held him in my arms long before you did.
Please don't tell me how to love him.
He was sobbing in bed last night, Izzy.
He's terrified.
Gee, I just don't know what you're talking about, you know, with the exception of him flinging that glass of orange juice at your head--heh! He's always very cheerful around me.
Mom? In a second, Byrd.
He threw it at the wall, and he is not cheerful.
He's frightened and unhappy and depressed.
Not around me.
Well, do you ever wonder why he doesn't let you see it? Mom? In a minute, Byrd! Look, please.
Let's just work together, ok? He needs our help.
Mother! I don't think I'll be down to dinner tonight and if Huff asks why, just tell him I don't want to depress him, ok? Mother! I said I would be down in a minute! Uh-oh.
Looks like you're up next, Beth.
It's time to go ruin your little boy.
She's coming, dad.
She's coming.
She was just up at gram's.
Hey.
What-- what's so important you couldn't-- cou-- Huff, what is it? I'm having a little trouble moving my legs.
Where are you? I'm at the office.
The cleaning crew hasn't even, uh there's this blood on the, um Honey, get out of there.
Come home, please.
I apologized to Izzy and everything's fine.
I can't get to my desk.
I can't even-- What's in your desk, honey? Huff? Huff, talk to me.
Uh, I can't.
Yes, you can.
No, no.
I don't understand.
Ok.
Me, neither.
Poor, tortured, little homosexual.
Thank god you outgrew that stage.
Please, accept my apologies.
I thought you were an angel.
You can always come to me, 'cause I'm your son, and nothing can ever change It was like for the first time in their lives, they didn't know what to say, which was kind of cool, you know, 'cause the silence was mine, even though it only lasted for a couple seconds.
Chicken shit.
Huff.
I said, "chicken shit.
" Honey, I want you to come home right now.
I'm just so tired, you know? I'm tired of listening and heh! I'm a psychiatrist who's tired of listening.
Of course you are! Honey, your patients use you like a garbage receptacle.
Who can blame you? Yeah, ok.
I have to, um-- let me--let me, uh I can't-- I can't talk right now.
Dr.
Huffstodt? Yeah? Oh, it's Monique.
I thought I'd get your voice mail.
Yeah? Oh, I just wanted to thank you.
I did what you said and simply asked Carl in a nice way to not crack his knuckles and he said, "of course, sweetie.
Why haven't you said something before?" You are so wonderful, Dr.
Huffstodt.
So I guess I'll see you next week? Ok.
Ok.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Hey, Mrs.
Brill.
Dr.
Huffstodt.
Good evening.
Evening.
What a surprise! Yeah.
I know.
You're a good brother.
Thanks.
He had a good day today.
I'm glad somebody did.
Craig! I'm so happy to see you.
Yeah.
Me, too.
Here, you can sit on the couch.
No.
Sit in the chair.
The chair is-- it's a good chair.
Ok.
So Mrs.
Brill said you had a good day today.
Uh-huh.
Your medication must be helping.
Sure.
Uh-huh.
Is yours helping you? Heh! Uh-huh.
Maybe I should ask miss brill.
Heh heh! No, no.
I'm fine.
You don't look fine, Craig.
You look troubled, worried, flustered, crack-brain agitated.
I drove here with the top down.
I'm just-- Sure, sure.
Uh-huh.
Mother came to see me today.
No, Teddy.
Mom didn't-- she didn't tell me that.
Did you have a nice time with her? It was confusing.
Uh I couldn't really understand anything.
Cor cor wen wan Cor cor wen wan win wan A patient of mine killed himself, Teddy.
Right in front of me.
No! Yeah.
In my office.
Yeah.
Another patient of mine thought she was gonna be condemned to a life of loneliness and solitude because she didn't like it when her boyfriend cracked his knuckles.
The sounds.
Yeah.
I told her she should ask him nicely to stop doing it.
Boy, I'm gifted.
I'm also really scared.
I don't know if I can do what I do anymore.
When this kid killed himself, after the shock wore off, I just felt so useless all of a sudden.
I mean, here I am, I've lived at least half my life probably and everything leading up to this just feels like nothing now, like I've been asleep or something for 42 years and I'm awake now, and I don't think I like what I see, but I don't know how to change any of it, not without hurting more people.
Hurt.
I'm also so angry, you know? I mean, how did I let this happen? How did-- And mom--Jesus, Teddy.
Mom hates Beth and Beth hates mom.
And Byrd, poor kid.
He's 14 years old, all he does is worry about me.
I'm his dad.
I'm supposed to be lost.
You know what really scares me, though? I don't think I care about any of it.
I don't know.
Anyway What do you think I should do, little brother? Rang.
Rang Dang.
Uhpang.
Rang.
Clang.
Tang.
Gang.
Pang.
Sang.
Hang.
Fang.
Bang.
I know.
So why do you wanna stop taking your medication? I don't know.
I'm just not having any fun anymore.
It's like I'm missing out.
Well, what do you miss, specifically? Specifically? Promiscuity, hallucinogens, and self-mutilation.
I see.
Well, here's the thing, You've actually made a lot of progress.
Remember we talked about keeping things simple and not complicating your life when you don't have to? Fine.
I'll just leave, then.
Sure would be easier than staying together.
Ok, that's not what I meant by keeping things simple.
But he knows that every time he cracks a knuckle, it's like biting down on a piece of foil for me.
I swear, my stomach gets into a knot, and I wanna hurt him.
I hate that sound.
Well, what does he do when you ask him to stop? I've never asked him.
I mean Ok Well, how would feel about saying something like, "honey, could you please stop cracking your knuckles?" "It makes me nuts.
" "I don't know why it makes me nuts, I wish it didn't, but it does.
" Like that? Well, in your own words.
And nicely, Monique, with no anger.
Don't scream it at him! What? You were falling asleep.
Really? I swear, it's getting worse.
I used to just fall asleep, and now I'm breaking into hysterical laughter and falling flat on my face.
It's a tough one.
I'm sleeping through my life.
I'm afraid we have to stop.
Same time next week, ok? Until then, don't drive.
Well, I keep the windows rolled down, the radio loud.
No driving, Norma.
And I want you to try ritalin.
Ritalin? Let's do 2 after breakfast and 2 after lunch, ok? Well, I'm not hyperactive, Dr.
Huffstodt.
You're not active at all.
That's part of the problem.
Sue, ritalin, 10 milligrams, And Karen has your new insurance forms.
I'm off to lunch with Russell.
Come right here, dear.
I highlighted it for you by the purple "X.
" You have a 2:00.
- See you next week, Norma.
- Yeah.
And here is the balance you owe.
Honey, wake up.
You know I can't bend over.
Now come onwake up.
Oh, shoot.
Well, so tell her not to come, honey.
You want me to uninvite your mother? Sure.
No, you had your chance to do that 3 years ago, and you caved when she bribed you with the house.
You love that house more than I do.
I think I'll make pork chops for dinner tonight.
Your mother hates pork.
Hey, I could bring home a bong or a hash pipe.
I wonder if Martha Stewart makes hash pipes.
She'd make a fortune.
She could run a mail-order business out of her cell.
Can you imagine your mother stoned? I'd rather not.
Hey! What? The bong-maker checked me out.
Pig.
Where are you, anyway? Santa Monica art fair.
Bong shopping? No.
No, I was hoping I could find a portrait artist.
A client of mine is throwing a party for her top salespeople.
Wants to call it "winners hall of fame" or something like that.
Yes, ma'am.
I will see you at 7:00? Huff? Huff? Yeah.
7:00, 7:00, 7:00.
Put out that cigarette.
E's claiming sexual harassment.
I thought you said he never touched her? Exactly.
She's suing because she wasn't harassed.
You're joking, right? Fuck, no.
It's actually sexual discrimination, pure and simple.
Look, all the chicks in this office get their titties gawked and their asses pinched, and then, to shut 'em up, they get a raise or some stupid promotion.
That's sexual harassment.
No! That's "setting the office standard," which means that this behavior has become accepted practice in the culture of this office.
So, when my client, a delicious little redhead with no neck, doesn't get tweaked and then doesn't get a promotion, it's sexual discrimination in reversesort of.
Happs all the time, Well, maybe not all the time, but there's precedent.
Could I get some olives, please? Never should have fired her.
Yes, he should've.
Why should he fire her? Because she's nuts.
She's not nuts.
Yes, she is.
It's funny that you say that she's nuts, because, truthfully, I desperately need you to testify in court for me that she's not.
Please? No.
Please? I never say "please.
" No.
As a favor.
No.
Fee involved.
I don't care.
Substantial fee? I just told you I think she's crazy.
You want me to testify under oath that she's not? Oath is archaic.
Means very little these days.
- Jesus.
- Come on.
Toss her a little jigsaw puzzle and then testify that she's highly intelligent and functional, which, by the way, she is.
Apart from the fact that she doesn't have a neck.
She has a neck.
She just hides it, that's all.
Well, based on what you've told me, like the time she used a stapler to try to turn her boss into Jesus Christ, I'd say she has some very deep-rooted rage issues that don't have shit to do with sexual harassment.
Doesn't mean she's crazy.
Come on, one psychological evaluation in exchange for a substantial fee and free legal services.
I don't need any free legal services.
Maybe not today, but life is long.
What kind of fee are we talking about? Several hundred thousand dollars.
Really? No.
Hello.
Yeah.
Well, shit, Karen, he can't do that.
What the hell.
Fill it up.
Ok.
No, it's ok.
Put him in my office, but tell him I only have 15 minutes, ok? I have a 2:00.
Ok, bye.
I have to go.
We're having a nice little lunch here.
A patient of mine came out to his parents, and his dad threatened to kill him.
Sit down.
He's not gonna kill him during our lunch.
I know, but his father's not my patient, he is.
What do I, uh Forget it.
Put it away.
Just remember my little proposition.
Think about that, all right? Ok.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
I'm so, so sorry.
Could I have a minute of your time? - Oh, I don't have -- - You don't have a minute? No$, I really don't.
Please, mister, I don't want to bother you, but-- Ok, ok.
Here, here.
5.
No, no.
I don't want your money.
You don't? I told you, just your time.
You see, I'm a musician.
I'm from Hungary, and I've written a symphony, and my wife and my children are still in Budapest.
I have 4 children, and I have not talked to them in a very long time.
Right, and you stopped me because because I need a phone card.
One of those plastic telephone things that I see the people buy at the 7-eleven.
I have to talk to my wife.
You don't want money, but you want a phone card.
Yes, that's right.
Yeah, but a phone card costs money.
Yes, I know.
Nice car.
How about Ok, would a 20 buy you the phone card? With the 5, yes.
Ok, ok.
Here.
Here's $25, ok? Thank you very much.
Thank you very, very much.
- Call home.
- Yeah.
Hey.
When's the last time you ate? Full meal or trash-can doughnut? Full meal.
All right, look.
My wife is making pork chops for dinner.
If you like, you can come back to our place and grab a shower and some fresh clothes.
Would you like that? Sure.
Hey! Sorry.
Sorry.
Hey, is he here? I told him you only had 15 minutes.
Good.
Thank you.
Are you Dr.
Huffstodt? Yes.
I'm Eric Harston.
Hi.
I've never done this before, and I'm pretty nervous.
Listen, there's nothing to be nervous about, I promise.
We can talk about it in your session, ok? I won't be long.
It was awful, man.
It didn't go anything like we talked about.
Tell me.
I told 'em I had to talk to them, you know, that it was important, and dad said maybe after they got back from the club, and I said, "no," you know, because because that might be too late.
So what happened? Mom asked me what could possibly be so important it couldn't just wait and I just, you know, I just said it.
I said, "I'm gay.
" Good.
There was this really weird silence, you know, like for the first time in their lives, they didn't didn't know what to say, and, um, you know, which was kind of cool, you know, 'cause it was my silence, you know, even though it only lasted for a couple seconds before dad called me a little son of a bitch, and mom slapped me and started crying.
Took her, what, 5 seconds to make it about herself? Yeah.
And she got real pinched up and demanded I tell her what she'd done wrong.
You know, she looked at me, and she goes, "you tell me.
" I'm gonna throw up, man.
Just breathe.
This is all really good.
So I told her, you know.
I said--I said, you know, tweaking my penis between her fingers when I was, like, you know, let anybody else touch it but her probably didn't help.
Good, good for you.
And, yeah, you know, and, man, she went fucking nuts.
Dad told me to shut up, so, you know, I asked him if he knew she stuck her tongue down my throat when I was, like, 10 and told me that's how french people kissed, and, you know, he said something like, you know, I'd be better off dead if I didn't stop lying all over the place and, you know, I told him I wasn't lying 'cause, you know, I wasn't I wasn't fucking lying, you know? And, you know, I looked at her and she looked she looked really scared and then she ran out of the room and I came here.
Well, I know this really sucks, but you just took a huge step toward being free.
No, really, Sam.
I'm proud of you.
But, Sam, the message Karen gave me said that he was gonna kill you, which is very different from him saying you're better off dead.
Umwhat do you-- what do you-- I don't get it.
What are you saying? I'm saying I don't think your father really threatened to kill you.
Wh--what's-- what's that, man? Why are you-- why are you siding with them on this shit, man? Sam, I'm not taking their-- I'm not.
Sam, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
- No-- - Yes, you are.
You know what? I can't--fuck it! You know what? Fuck you! Who gives a shit? Who cares, man? You're supposed to be thinking about what I'm feeling here, you know? Not what I fucking SD.
You know what? There's no fucking-- there's no way.
There's no way.
Sam, put the gun down right now, and we'll talk about it.
We already talked about it.
Sam! Hey! Hey! Aah! He's trying to kill me.
Pork chops.
Ha! He's a doctor, for god's sake.
Well, they're very lean.
How can they be lean? They're pork chops, aren't they? You know, that's one thing I will say for those jews.
Their food is clean.
Hey, gram.
Oh, darling.
Kiss, kiss, kiss.
Ooh, pork chops great, mom.
Hello.
Oh, hey, sweetie.
How far away are you? No.
You're not too late.
What horrible thing? Sam? What did he do? Who's Sam? His parents? Well, couldn't you just call them? I mean, how badly is he hurt? Oh, Huff.
Did it ever cross that sick mind of yours that maybe, just maybe, you're the guilty party? None of this started -- the horrible dreams, the hate -- until he started to see you.
"I'm gay, I'm gay.
" He was only 15 years old.
What did he tell you about me? He didn't know what the hell he was.
No, don't tell me.
I don't want to know, because none of it's true--none of it! Where did he find you? You know, this is not over! I never touched him! Why are you doing this to me? - You get out of my house right now! - Get out! Get out! You're supposed to be thinking about what I'm feeling here.
Bravo! Encore! B ravo! No! Dad? Are you ok? You are not ok.
Nothing empties a psychiatrist's office faster than a suicide.
I'm sure he's going to handle it just fine, Izzy.
Well, then, why do you look terrified? I am not terrified.
I am concerned.
You should be.
He could lose everything.
Mom When your father was alive-- Dad isn't dead, mother.
Well, he is to me.
It's Russell for you.
Mm! Good.
You could use a lawyer.
I don't need a lawyer.
I just need to ask him a few questions.
Like, am I going to be tried for murder? Hey.
I got your message.
What happened? Oh, a 15-year old patient of mine went off, or rather, a gun went off, only it happened to be in my patient's mouth, who happened to be in my office.
This is all fucked up.
This is completely fucked up.
Tell me about it.
No, no, no, no.
Not you.
Not you, pal.
You're gonna be fine.
You're gonna be just fine.
Yeah.
I wish I could believe that.
I just spoke to his parents.
You didn't.
Well, somebody had to tell 'em.
Like the coroner, maybe? What did you say to 'em? You know, I don't even remember.
All I know is, they asked for my lawyer and I gave them your number.
You know what? You should come in here first thing in the morning.
Molly?! Molly! Move know net to 10:00 and push euthanasia to 11:00! Euthanasia? Yeah.
Some guy in his 20s fell out of a plane.
He's on life support.
His brain is showing less activity than your cock, so his parents want to pull the plug.
Molly! I'm on the phone! Maybe I'm overreacting, huh? Well, Huff, you know, a 15-year-old kid just blew his brains out in your office.
I'm in a lot of trouble, aren't I? No, you're not.
This is--you know, shit happens all the time.
You're gonna be just fine.
Well, I wish I was as confident as you are.
Don't you worry, pal.
I'm taking care of you.
You're not even paying for that fucking rug.
What did he say? Nothing, mom.
Let me talk to him.
Look, I gotta go.
I'll see you tomorrow, ok? Thanks a lot.
My god.
What? Is that blood? No.
It can't be.
I just showered.
Well, you are gonna have to shower again.
Beth, where's your clorox? What? Mother, I'm not going to bleach my face.
Are you trying to kill him? This from a woman who serves pork.
Do I have to spell it out for you? That was blood, and that little fella was a homosexual.
Wow! Oh, all right.
Just--just forget it.
Forget that I care.
Huh! I should have stayed up in the garage.
It's a guest house, mother.
A 4-room guest house.
Promise me that you'll wash! I will wash.
Poor, tortured little homosexual.
Well, thank god you outgrew that phase.
I want her out.
But she doesn't live here.
She lives 30 feet away.
It's the same thing.
I can't flush the toilet at night without her asking me if it was a so*lid bowel movement.
I mean it.
I want her out.
She can buy anything she wants.
Ok.
Can we talk about this tomorrow? We just need to set up a boundary or two.
It'll work out.
Boundaries.
Ok, guidelines, rules, whatever.
What would you tell a patient who is 42 years old, married, with a child, who still lived with his mother? I don't live with my mother.
All right.
What would you tell a patient who is 42 years old, married, with a son, whose mother still lived with him? Have you forgotten what happened today? Please, not tonight.
Ok, all right.
I'm sorry.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Good night.
Good night.
Huff.
Yeah? What exactly did Izzy mean about you outgrowing that you know, homosexual stage? You do it yet? Not yet.
You? Uh-uh.
What are you thinking about? Judy burgh's tits.
You? Sure.
Judy burgh's tits.
Almost.
Wait a minute.
Whoa! It's huge! Oh, my god! What are you doing in here? Good evening, Mrs.
Huffstodt.
Oh! Well, I have some good news.
There seems to be absolutely no statute which governs liability in the situation where a patient commits suicide, which, as you know, is your situation.
So, in that sense, you're home free.
So why is my office a crime scene? Because your patient broke the law when he killed himself.
Suicide is illegal.
I know, I know.
Welcome to America.
Yes? Kronowitz is here.
Lasso her on in here, Mol.
Walk you to the elevator? There she is.
There's my girl.
Oh, it's so good to see you*! Listen to me.
You go wait for me in my office, ok? You get comfortable.
I'll be right back.
Right in there.
There you go.
She's kind of weirdly hot, don't you think? No.
You always kiss your clients on the mouth? Yes.
I have to.
I told you.
This one's gotta feel fuckable in front of that jury.
You know what? She will.
You're not gonna win this one.
Yes, I am.
You mark my words.
That cute little no-neck steps off the stand, every guy on the jury will be dying to bone her.
Oh, no, they won't.
Oh, by the way, got a call from the kid's parents' attorney, guy hardly ever loses.
Should be fun.
I'll call you tonight.
My friend! I have good news! Great.
You're not going to hear my good news? Sure.
What's up? I might have a job playing guitar in a little bar over on Manchester, but I have one small, little problem.
I'm not buying you a guitar.
No, no.
I have a guitar.
Really? You couldn't sell it and buy a phone card, huh? I need a synthesizer.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, please.
I'm not asking for your money.
Ok, all right.
Here's some money.
Take my money, ok? Just stop asking for me, ok? Fucking hell! Here.
I'm sorry.
I had no idea.
Please accept my apologies.
No idea of -- hey! No idea of what? I thought you were an angel.
I apologize.
Now, leave me alone.
Ok.
All right.
Ok.
You win.
Jesus Christ.
What do you want? What? Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure.
Ok.
I need to rent a synthesizer to record instrumental background to play behind me when I audition with my guitar.
Now, they want a credit card for security.
The only card I have is the phone card.
Ok.
Meet me tomorrow at 11 A.
M.
At that sculpture, ok? We'll rent you a synthesizer and get you a cheap motel room or something and you can go to work.
Really? Yeah, really.
I'll be there.
Good.
Good! Ok.
So, I'll see you then.
Yeah.
I'll see you tomorrow, 11:00, the nezoliti.
The nezoliti? Yeah.
The artist of the sculpture.
Ah! Thank you.
I can't believe I just did that.
You are a good person.
Thank you.
Dad? Hey.
Umyou got a sec? Sure.
Should I be worrying about you? Of course not.
Well, I mean, I always worry about you 'cause you're my dad and I love you, but this is the first time you've lost a patient like this, and I know how much you care.
You do? Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Sometimes I think you care too much, dad.
It wasn't your fault.
Well, I hope not.
Do I need to worry about you? You know, so far, so good.
I mean, I'm not gonna bring a gun to school.
I'm not shooting dope.
I'm not in a gang.
I don't suffer from peer pressure.
I'm not suicidal.
You know it would be ok, don't you? What, to off myself? To be whoever you are.
Ok, well, I'm not gay, dad, which is a miracle considering I used to spend my summers with gram.
All right.
Thanks, buddy.
Yeah.
It's probably gonna be ok, you know, and if you ever feel like it's not you can always come to me, 'cause I'm your son, and nothing will ever change that.
Ok.
Ok.
Good night, dad.
Night, Byrd.
Huff? Honey.
Hey.
Why didn't you come to bed last night? I don't know.
I didn't know I didn't.
Maybe you were snoring.
I woke up.
You weren't there.
I didn't like that.
I'm sorry.
No.
I just missed you, that's all.
I'll get you coffee.
Ok.
Hey.
Hey.
I would have gotten that for you.
It's ok.
You want some eggs? No.
I'm not really hungry.
You have to eat, sweetie.
Do not.
I like having breakfast together.
You're usually out of the house before everyone else.
Yeah.
Well, enjoy it while it lasts.
Mm I wonder how long it takes to get bone fragments oume of plaster? Oh, stop! All right.
No, no.
I mean stop about the bone fragments.
Are you sure? Oh! Are you positive? It's good to hear you laugh.
Mmmit is good to laugh.
Hello.
Hey, bud.
What are you doing right now? I'm making out with my wife in the kitchen.
Uh-huh.
I kind of need your help.
Well, I'm busy.
Can you put it on hold? I'm at the hospital, and I really need you to come over here.
Uh, what are you doing there? He didn't die, Huff.
Who didn't die? I'm with the euthanasia people, and the skydiver dude, they pulled the plug on him he kept breathing, and I swear to god, I swear to god I saw the son of a bitch smile.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.
Thank you, pal.
I really, really owe you.
I still don't know what you expect me to do about it.
Well, you know, we're just having a lot of feelings, you know? Come on.
Carolyn? Carolyn, excuse me.
This is Dr.
Craig Huffstodt.
He's the psychiatrist I was telling you about.
He's very experienced with these sort of, um and incidentally, he can write you a prescription for anything you might need.
It'sunbelievable.
He's supposed to be cremated tomorrow.
They better give me my deposit back.
Has this ever happened before? I--I really don't know.
Well, he, um he looks good.
He's brain-dead.
Right.
This is so hard.
What about his will? Well, wills are for dead people, and seeing as how he didn't die, as we were assured he was going to, his will is not in effect.
Meaning I get nothing? You motherfucker! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Maybe we should talk about this out in the hallway, hmm? Why?! He can't hear! He can't see! And for the first time in his life, he can't talk.
But you're still in control, aren't ya? Some people never change.
I want a divorce! Wellum I can help you with that.
I can--I can-- Well, I'm sorry you had to hear that.
Um uhkale.
Wow.
You're even named after a vegetable.
Thank you, sweetheart.
Thank you so much.
She wants you.
Oh, she does not.
- Oh, yes, she does.
- No.
Yes, she does, and you know something? You want her, too, and that's ok.
Yeah, well, if I didn't have everything I wanted to do and he, I'd be dead.
Something you might want to think about, by the way.
You know, you're the only guy I know who can make pick-up sex sound like collecting garbage on the 405 in a big, orange jump suit.
It's just cause and effect, my friend.
It's simple physics.
I'm not talking about physics.
I'm talking about pussy-puss.
See, that's an action which is usually followed by a reaction.
Joy or guilt? Bliss or remorse? Sometimes life or fucking death? Ok, but I have a question.
Is it ok if I continue, on occasion, to masturbate in my office during lunchtime? I'm just saying sex is rarely, if ever, for fun or for free.
Could have fooled me.
I'm sorry.
Why did Valerie dump you again? Valerie dumped me because I wouldn't fertilize her eggs.
I told you that.
You told me she dumped you because she walked in on you drunk out of your mind in bed with her sister.
Did I really tell you that? No.
I made it up.
When the fuck did I tell you that? All I know is, you loved Valerie very much, and Valerie is no longer a part of your life.
Neither is her sister, for that matter.
Excuse me.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Look at that.
I'm the one over tipping, yet it's your ass she'd eat in the parking lot? How does that work? Gee, as lovely as that sounds, I'm not sure my wife would appreciate it.
You know, Dr.
Phil, it's a beautiful day.
You gotta wake up and smell the pussy-puss.
Men are pigs, and you got an inner-pig, too, and that's ok.
Really, it's ok.
All inner-pigs aside, I've just been made really painfully aware of exactly how quickly people can leave this earth.
It's no secret that you get yourself into some questionable if not really dangerous situations every once in a while.
Just, please-- just think about taking a little bit better care of yourself.
Did we just share a moment? Because I didn't like it.
Who the fuck is shrinking who here, anyway? I thought I'm the one supposed to be making you feel better.
Listen, I've never been happier.
Really? Really.
Good.
How do you know she wants me? 'Cause she's your mother and you're the firstborn, that's why.
Every firstborn I ever met was so fawned over, they were practically social cripples by the time they left home.
Honey, are you smoking? Just admit it.
She's overprotective.
She's so frightened something bad is gonna happen to you-- which does not explain her wanting to bathe you in clorox.
But still, she's terrified to let you be a man.
It means she's getting old, and she can't stand that.
Honey, can you pick one channel? You flip so quick, I don't know how you can tell you don't like what you're watching so fast.
And I thought about what you said and I think you're right, which I know is music to your ears, but I've decided to make peace with her and stop being so antagonistic.
What's that affirmation? "The Christ in me salutes the Christ in you"? So the daughter-in-law Christ in me salutes the bitch cunt mother-in-law Christ in her.
But really, I will try.
Well, you didn't have to turn it off, honey.
So, I'm not gonna get home from school until about 7:00, but I want you to wait for me for dinner.
Is that butter or margarine? Butter.
Watch the heat.
Hello, darling.
Hi, gram.
Oh, and good morning, little Annie.
How are you, you precious little birdie? Oh, you're fine.
Are you good? Yes, you are.
Oh, you be the good birdie.
You be the very, very good birdie.
Yes.
Aren't you? Tweet for me.
Tweet-tweet for Izzy.
- Good morning.
- Tweet, damn it! It's a canary, Izzy.
Not a parrot.
Well, it's a bird.
Don't birds all tweet? Not that bird.
Dad, I want to do some volunteer wk at the pediatric cancer center, and they're saying I'm too young, so I need your consent.
Darling, why would you want to spend time with sick children? I don't see them as sick.
Sure, I'll sign it.
Ok, great.
It's in my room.
How sweet.
Oh, Beth, would you please do me a favor today? Would you pick me up a bottle of polish remover when you go to the store? Look at this.
Now they say it's sedona sunset, I think, but then yesterday, I saw Felicia's washing the toilet, and she had the same color.
All of a sudden, it looked orange.
I don't know.
Oh, you know what? Maybe you could go, Izzy.
I could give you my grocery list.
To the grocery storne? Yes, to the grocery store.
Mm-hmm.
Do you know where it is? Beth.
What? Please? Please, what? Oh, please.
Please don't start a fight, dear.
He's under enough pressure as it is, you know, without having to apologize for you again.
Pfft! Apologize for me? Thanks, mom.
When did you apologize for me? I never apologized for you.
Huff? What?! Did you apologize for something I did? Or for something I said? Or did you just apologize because you broke her heart and married me? You know, every once in a while, you can say things that are a little bit, you know -- just try to have a little patience, ok? She's my mother.
In case you'd forgotten.
Forgotten? You haven't taken your tit out of his mouth for 42 years.
It's amazing the man is still upright.
If anybody wants me, I'll be in a cheap motel room with a homeless Hungarian musician laying down tracks on a synthesizer.
Unbelievable.
Un-fucking-believable.
Filthy little urine-soaked Lawrence Welk of a fucking phone card, fucking scamming, little fucking little-- fucking--fuck! Oh, come on, ophelia.
I know you're in there.
I came to apologize.
That isn't necessary, dear.
Yes, it is.
I was very angry and completely out of line.
But you don't have to apologize for what you think.
But I was wrong, and I apologize.
Thank you.
Thank you, Beth.
And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm making some bridge mix.
Huff is having a really hard time right now, and he doesn't need the two of us going at each other.
He needs our love.
Beth, I held him in my arms long before you did.
Please don't tell me how to love him.
He was sobbing in bed last night, Izzy.
He's terrified.
Gee, I just don't know what you're talking about, you know, with the exception of him flinging that glass of orange juice at your head--heh! He's always very cheerful around me.
Mom? In a second, Byrd.
He threw it at the wall, and he is not cheerful.
He's frightened and unhappy and depressed.
Not around me.
Well, do you ever wonder why he doesn't let you see it? Mom? In a minute, Byrd! Look, please.
Let's just work together, ok? He needs our help.
Mother! I don't think I'll be down to dinner tonight and if Huff asks why, just tell him I don't want to depress him, ok? Mother! I said I would be down in a minute! Uh-oh.
Looks like you're up next, Beth.
It's time to go ruin your little boy.
She's coming, dad.
She's coming.
She was just up at gram's.
Hey.
What-- what's so important you couldn't-- cou-- Huff, what is it? I'm having a little trouble moving my legs.
Where are you? I'm at the office.
The cleaning crew hasn't even, uh there's this blood on the, um Honey, get out of there.
Come home, please.
I apologized to Izzy and everything's fine.
I can't get to my desk.
I can't even-- What's in your desk, honey? Huff? Huff, talk to me.
Uh, I can't.
Yes, you can.
No, no.
I don't understand.
Ok.
Me, neither.
Poor, tortured, little homosexual.
Thank god you outgrew that stage.
Please, accept my apologies.
I thought you were an angel.
You can always come to me, 'cause I'm your son, and nothing can ever change It was like for the first time in their lives, they didn't know what to say, which was kind of cool, you know, 'cause the silence was mine, even though it only lasted for a couple seconds.
Chicken shit.
Huff.
I said, "chicken shit.
" Honey, I want you to come home right now.
I'm just so tired, you know? I'm tired of listening and heh! I'm a psychiatrist who's tired of listening.
Of course you are! Honey, your patients use you like a garbage receptacle.
Who can blame you? Yeah, ok.
I have to, um-- let me--let me, uh I can't-- I can't talk right now.
Dr.
Huffstodt? Yeah? Oh, it's Monique.
I thought I'd get your voice mail.
Yeah? Oh, I just wanted to thank you.
I did what you said and simply asked Carl in a nice way to not crack his knuckles and he said, "of course, sweetie.
Why haven't you said something before?" You are so wonderful, Dr.
Huffstodt.
So I guess I'll see you next week? Ok.
Ok.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Hey, Mrs.
Brill.
Dr.
Huffstodt.
Good evening.
Evening.
What a surprise! Yeah.
I know.
You're a good brother.
Thanks.
He had a good day today.
I'm glad somebody did.
Craig! I'm so happy to see you.
Yeah.
Me, too.
Here, you can sit on the couch.
No.
Sit in the chair.
The chair is-- it's a good chair.
Ok.
So Mrs.
Brill said you had a good day today.
Uh-huh.
Your medication must be helping.
Sure.
Uh-huh.
Is yours helping you? Heh! Uh-huh.
Maybe I should ask miss brill.
Heh heh! No, no.
I'm fine.
You don't look fine, Craig.
You look troubled, worried, flustered, crack-brain agitated.
I drove here with the top down.
I'm just-- Sure, sure.
Uh-huh.
Mother came to see me today.
No, Teddy.
Mom didn't-- she didn't tell me that.
Did you have a nice time with her? It was confusing.
Uh I couldn't really understand anything.
Cor cor wen wan Cor cor wen wan win wan A patient of mine killed himself, Teddy.
Right in front of me.
No! Yeah.
In my office.
Yeah.
Another patient of mine thought she was gonna be condemned to a life of loneliness and solitude because she didn't like it when her boyfriend cracked his knuckles.
The sounds.
Yeah.
I told her she should ask him nicely to stop doing it.
Boy, I'm gifted.
I'm also really scared.
I don't know if I can do what I do anymore.
When this kid killed himself, after the shock wore off, I just felt so useless all of a sudden.
I mean, here I am, I've lived at least half my life probably and everything leading up to this just feels like nothing now, like I've been asleep or something for 42 years and I'm awake now, and I don't think I like what I see, but I don't know how to change any of it, not without hurting more people.
Hurt.
I'm also so angry, you know? I mean, how did I let this happen? How did-- And mom--Jesus, Teddy.
Mom hates Beth and Beth hates mom.
And Byrd, poor kid.
He's 14 years old, all he does is worry about me.
I'm his dad.
I'm supposed to be lost.
You know what really scares me, though? I don't think I care about any of it.
I don't know.
Anyway What do you think I should do, little brother? Rang.
Rang Dang.
Uhpang.
Rang.
Clang.
Tang.
Gang.
Pang.
Sang.
Hang.
Fang.
Bang.