Hung s01e01 Episode Script

RAY: Everything's falling apart.
And it all starts right here in Detroit the headwaters of a river of failure.
Thank God my parents aren't around to watch the country they loved go to shit.
They were proud Americans.
They had normal jobs and made a normal living.
They fit in.
They weren't kicked up the ass every day of their lives by property taxes and homeowners' associations and greedy, beauty-queen ex-wives.
What would I tell them if they saw me now? That I'm not to blame? It's not my fault? They didn't raise me that way.
They taught me to take responsibility and get the job done.
No excuses.
You do your best with whatever gifts God gave you.
Anybody know what this is? And that's what I try to teach my kids too.
I'll give you a hint.
It's a Scarabaeidea Anybody here take Latin? It's a dung beetle, team.
All right? So what's that make this? - Dung? - Yes, it's dung, Schenken.
[BOYS LAUGH.]
All right, but let's call it what it really is.
It's a ball of shit.
See, everywhere this little guy goes, he takes his ball of shit with him.
He eats it, he sleeps with it, he talks to it at night.
That's just how he's wired.
So, what's the point I'm trying to make here? - More man-to-man coverage? - No, Jerry.
What I'm trying to say is that unlike this beetle we as a team cannot afford to take our dung with us.
We cannot roll it up into a ball.
We cannot push it up a hill.
We shouldn't eat it.
We certainly better leave it behind when we get on the court against the Badgers.
Shit happens.
We know that.
Rodelle's girl just broke up with him.
Pazderka dropped a 40-pounder on his foot.
[BOYS LAUGH.]
One more D in Chemistry, Kuzneski's ass is on the bench.
"We got heart.
We got hope.
" But it's not like we've been winning any games, fellas.
Just like last year, it looks like every week we're gonna get our teeth kicked in.
You okay, coach? Yeah, I'm fine.
[RAY INHALES.]
[RAY EXHALES.]
All right.
So tonight, let's leave our dung in the locker room.
Let's pretend we're on the winning streak we're gonna start tonight.
Let's go out there and tear up some Badger ass.
Come on.
Let's do it.
[ALL CHEERING.]
Wolves on three.
One, two, three.
ALL: Wolves! - All right.
- Let's go, guys.
- Let's go, guys.
Let's go get them.
- Let's go.
Let's go.
- Go on, get them, Donovan.
Come on.
Let's go.
Let's go, let's go.
Go kick some ass.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Let's go.
Oh, God.
Ray? You okay? Yeah.
It must be another kidney stone.
I can't believe this is happening now.
- Should I call the nurse? - No, I'll be all right.
Just help me up.
[MARCHING BAND PLAYING.]
Oh! God.
Jesus.
No, you're right.
Better safe than sorry.
I'm gonna drive myself to a hospital.
You go out there and run the system.
I don't know the system like you do.
Just put up some screens, get the ball to Donovan.
You'll do great.
All right? I'll try to be back by fourth quarter.
Just go out there and kick some ass, Mike.
Go.
[HORN BLOWS.]
MAN: Let's do it, partner.
Come on! [THUNDER RUMBLING.]
RAY: Okay, so I lied.
And I'm missing a game during a losing season and I'm not proud of it.
But desperate times call for desperate measures.
You know what a public school teacher makes these days? Okay, so maybe we make a little more in Michigan than the national average but what's the national average? More than a waiter, less than a plumber.
It's about half of what it takes to live a normal life.
So, what do you do when your career pays crap? You do a side gig.
Used to be stocks now eBay, maybe.
Tutoring.
Me, I've got a more unorthodox skill set.
I'm in the oldest profession in the world.
Well, I'm about to be.
This is my first day on the job.
Hey, it's been a rough couple of years.
Really rough.
It all started when Jessica slapped me with a divorce.
Twenty years, two kids A real punch in the face.
I had to kick the renters out and move into my parents' house where I grew up.
Only bright spot was the twins, who said they'd rather live with me.
Then came the kidney stone that weirdly ended up in a prostate scare.
Been having trouble urinating? Then the Wolves' unprecedented losing streak which every week brings me a new humiliation.
And then this prick lawyer moved in next door.
I'd already been getting grief from the homeowners' association - Oh, hi.
but this guy was a whole new level.
- Howard Koontz.
- Ray Drecker.
- Welcome to the neighborhood.
- Thank you.
You sure got a swell spot.
Say, I'm having a little open house on Saturday.
- Oh, that's very nice of you.
Thank you.
- Yeah.
So I was wondering if between now and then you wouldn't mind tidying up your lawn a little and, I don't know, maybe cleaning out your gutters.
Fucker had me hit with three citations in the first six months alone.
RAY: It's nice to meet you.
KOONTZ: You too.
RAY: Fucker.
But nothing compared to this.
[CLOCK TICKING.]
[FIRE ROARING.]
[GLASS BREAKING.]
DAMON: Dad, wake up! Dad! - What? - Dad, wake up! [CHATTER ON RADIO.]
Where the hell is she? Where is she? - She didn't say where she was going? - Dad, I'm sure.
Anybody seen my daughter? Hold on, I think this might be her.
[CAR APPROACHING.]
Who's that? Um It's, uh - Where the hell have you been? Huh? - Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
RAY: It's all right.
They were able to contain the fire.
Hey, you! Hey, you, come back here.
Who is that? - It's Hammer.
- Hammer? Who's Hammer? - He's just a friend.
- Come on, Darb.
Any guy named Hammer is not a good idea at midnight.
And your curfew is 10.
What did I give you a cell phone for, huh? What did we agree on? You always keep the ringer on.
You always answer when I call.
No excuses.
- What did we say? - The battery died.
- No excuses! - Dad, stop.
- She's freaking out.
- The battery died.
[RAY SIGHS.]
All right.
All right, I'm sorry.
All right, let's huddle up.
All right.
We're all right.
Okay.
Are you wearing lipstick? What is that? Answer me.
What the hell's going on around here? Jesus.
[SAW BUZZING.]
Hey, look, we're almost done here.
You guys really ought to get some sleep.
The insurance company will pay for your hotel.
We've got insurance, right? Of course we do.
We're not staying in a hotel though.
A burned-out house is a prime target for thieves and vandals.
We're staying here.
Come on.
We're gonna sleep right here while we rebuild.
Weather's not cold yet.
We get to be by the lake.
It's gonna be great.
We're gonna fish, we're gonna cook breakfast.
This'll be like camping, only we're at home.
You want all three of us to sleep in the tent? I'll tell you what.
Today when we go shopping for clothes l'll buy you each your own tent.
How's that? - Are you calling Mom? - Shit, yeah, I'm calling Mom.
The fire.
That's when I lost the kids.
Nice day.
What happened to my life? I used to be a big deal.
I used to be going somewhere.
Now all I ever seem to do is try not to drown.
[BEEPS.]
When did life become something you buy? [COUGHS.]
KOONTZ: Say, Drecker? Drecker.
You never responded to my offer.
- These are tough times in real estate.
- Would you mind getting off my property? Just trying to do you a solid, Drecker.
- This is a teardown if I've ever seen one.
- Hey, fuck off, Koontz.
You know where to find me.
I needed help.
[SIGHS.]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING.]
MAN: So this pregnant lady steps into my office.
She's got psoriasis, eczema Dr.
Ron Haxon, dermatologist.
And she says, "Doctor, my sister thinks I should try Accutane.
" Overcompensating little fucker who stole my wife.
Fucker.
Lotte Brandt, my ex-mother-in-law.
Looks sort of naked without her breastplate and horned helmet.
What's this you are doing here? Hi, Lotte.
Does it feel good to you to almost murder my grandchildren in your lethal house, huh? No, Lotte, it wasn't a good feeling.
Why don't you just go away? - Mom.
Mom? LOTTE: Huh? Mom, relax.
I can handle this.
RAY: Hi, Jess.
- Ray.
What are you doing here? Just being social.
Yeah, you always say, "Stop by, say hi.
" - So here I am.
I'm just I'm stopping by.
- Oh.
- So how are the kids holding up? - Kids are great.
They're inside playing Wii.
- Yeah? - They're loving it here, Ray.
- Don't you speak English? Go away.
- Mom, please.
Ray's welcome.
We're just having a nice talk.
We have no troubles here.
She wasn't always like this.
He's a doctor! He saves lives! How many fucking lives have you fucking saved? He's a dermatologist.
Come on, Jessica.
We went to school with the guy.
- He's a turd.
You know he's a turd.
- He loves me, Ray.
- I love you.
- Not enough.
- Put the fucking tulips back.
- Fuck off, Ray.
They're my bulbs.
Take the rose bushes.
He's loaded.
Is that it? Do you think I'm that shallow? Do you really think I am that shallow? All right, yes, I am a little shallow.
But I am deep enough to admit it.
I'm much deeper than people think, Ray.
And I am only shallow because I choose to be! I am a beauty queen, Ray.
A homecoming, cheerleading, stupid-ass beauty queen.
And clearly, I made the obvious choice.
Clearly, I was stupid enough to have completely bought into it.
What are you talking about? God, you were magical.
- In high school, you were a king.
- King? You were beautiful and athletic and talented and smart and popular.
And hung.
What am I now, Jessica? What am I now? Now you're just hung! So, Ray, is there a reason? Is there something that you need? - Yeah.
I - Uh-huh.
Look, this is hard for me, okay? You know, I've never asked you for anything before.
I just need to Uh I need to borrow some money, okay? Well Oh, my God, you're kidding.
That's why you came? What, they hiked your property taxes or something? Yeah.
That and this fire thing.
It's really putting me in a bit of a financial hole.
- Ladies, enjoy.
- Oh, thanks.
Thank you.
- Well, did you talk to your claims adjuster? - See, that's the thing.
I mean, there's been some sort of a mix-up.
- You didn't let it lapse again, did you? - No.
I mean, sort of.
I had the envelope right there on the desk, ready to go out.
- Jesus, Ray.
- L - Hey there, Coach Ray.
- Hey, Ronnie.
- Good to see you.
- Hi.
How's the skin trade? I can't complain.
Can't complain.
Hey, I heard about your place, man.
That's tough.
Yeah, thanks.
I'm getting by.
Just, you know, that house will be better than ever once I make the repairs.
RONNIE: Glad to hear it.
Just good to hear it.
Hey, Ray, you might wanna have that mole removed, you know? - Just to be safe.
- Yeah? Drop by the office any time.
Don't worry, free of charge.
Good to see you, Ray.
Look, I'm already screwed with the property taxes, you know? Now I gotta find a way to fix the house before the city slaps me with more citations.
Plus, I got this jerkoff, this Koontz sniffing around, trying to get me to sell.
- And cheap too, you know.
- Sell.
Sell the goddamn place, Ray.
- Should have sold years ago.
- I'm not selling my parents' house.
It's where I grew up.
Look, what I'm saying is I got my back against the wall here, okay? I'm in the Alamo.
I'm not asking for a handout, I'm asking for a loan, you know to tide me over.
- Right.
I mean, if it was just me, l Shit, I wouldn't bother.
- But I got the kids to take care of.
- You don't have the kids.
I got the kids.
- Well, until I fix the house.
- No, for good.
They're gonna come back to me, Jessica.
I'm more fun and relaxed.
You're uptight.
Having more fun with you almost got them killed.
All right, forget I asked.
Just forget it.
- Okay.
- Just wipe it out of your mind.
Ohh.
Excuse me.
Is this "Unleash Your Inner Entrepreneur"? It is if you want it to be.
FLOYD: I'm going to tell you a secret right now.
It's you.
The secret is in you.
Each one of you has already proven that fact just by coming here tonight.
And you are about to become a millionaire.
Repeat after me: I'm going to be a millionaire.
ALL [QUIETLY.]
: I'm gonna be a millionaire.
- No, no, no.
I don't believe you at all.
Come on, we can do better than that.
I'm going to be a millionaire.
ALL [LOUDER.]
: I'm gonna be a millionaire.
All right, hold it, hold it, hold it.
A million isn't what it used to be, huh? Let's kick it up a notch.
I'm going to be a multimillionaire.
ALL: I'm gonna be a multimillionaire.
FLOYD: Yes.
Yes, thank you.
Yeah.
Sorry, I just I couldn't find the room.
FLOYD: Do you wanna be a multimillionaire? Because we all do.
Tell her, class.
ALL: We're gonna be multimillionaires.
- Welcome.
- Thank you.
FLOYD: Now let's open our books.
RAY: Shit, what's her name again? - Oh, yeah.
Tanya Skagle.
FLOYD: Chapter 1.
- When is now? RAY: The poet.
Night musket The smell of fear, thick in the air In the revolutionary sky I grope RAY: The district had a program a couple years ago.
A grant.
You could get these so-called local poets to come to your class.
Any subject, any time.
I mean, these people were available.
Whenever you couldn't get your lesson plan figured out in time, you just called in a poet.
That was lovely, Axel.
If this were English class, we could discuss rhythm and meter but for the purposes of history class, I really feel like you captured the feelings of a common man fighting for a dream.
Comments, anyone? Anybody? RAY: I should have known better than to accept her invitation for tea.
[MOANING.]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God, Ray.
Oh, my God, you're so big.
The patchouli oil alone should have sent me running.
Not to mention veganism and all the yakking and the coming that had no beginning and no end.
Oh! I never called her again.
It could be a talent or a gift or an idea for a product.
But the word I like to use is "tool.
" Something that helps you get that very special job done.
So for next week, your first task is to identify your own tool.
Then the following week, we will begin to discuss how to market it.
Everybody has at least one, so no excuses.
Ray.
Tanya, how are you? I haven't seen you around in a while.
- Oh, yeah, the grant ran out.
- I heard, yeah.
No more poets in the schools.
I feel so bad for the kids, all the cutbacks.
Uh - So you wanna get some coffee? - Maybe some tea.
Oh, your dick is so big.
Oh, my God! [MOANING LOUDLY.]
Oh, my God, Ray! Ray, you're so big! Oh, my God! TANYA: I love this one.
There is some kiss we want With our whole lives The touch of spirit on the body.
Seawater begs the pearl To break its shell.
And the lily, how passionately It needs some wild darling! I love that.
"Some wild darling.
" At night, I open the window And ask the moon to come And press its face against mine.
Breathe into me.
Close the language-door That's the mouth.
And open the love-window.
Those are the eyes.
The moon won't use the door Only the window.
Rumi, 13th century.
Look, Tanya, I gotta take off.
[OPERA PLAYING IN STEREO.]
So is that your thing? Is what my thing? You know, Ray.
Being cold and distant after sex.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm a little preoccupied.
Okay, Ray, whatever.
Just go.
I don't know why I sleep with people like you.
You know nothing about my life.
You have no interest in getting to know me.
You seem to have the emotional range of a fucking 12-year-old.
Look, Tanya, I got a lot going on in my life right now.
I don't have the energy for games.
If you really wanted to get to know me you wouldn't have hopped in the sack so easily.
Twice.
What, so now I'm a slut? No, but don't bring a guy home because you're horny and then act all wounded and mystified when he doesn't stick around.
I mean, you liked what you had the first time, you wanted it again, fine.
Don't fool yourself into some romantic fantasy.
I liked what I had the first time? Yeah.
Unless I'm deaf.
Wait, what is that supposed to mean? I think you know what I'm referring to.
No.
Ray, why don't you enlighten me? Well, you know.
You You tend to come a lot.
I'm not saying it's a bad thing.
I'm not calling you a leper or something.
You think I come too much? No, of course not.
I'm just saying I don't even know why, I'm just saying it's a lot.
It's not like you're some genius in bed.
Is that what you're getting at? No, I'm not getting at that.
I mean, okay, so you have a big dick.
I mean, whoopee.
It's not the first time I've heard the news, Tanya.
Oh, my God.
You're an egotistical asshole.
I need to change my sheets.
You know, Ray, if you think that I was only interested in you because of your big penis, then all I feel is sorry for you.
I really, really do.
Big penis.
- What do you want, a parade? - Okay, Tanya, I'll see you in class.
What an asshole! [SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE.]
Hey, Ray? Here's an idea.
You wanna be a millionaire? Why don't you go market your dick? RAY: She definitely meant it as an insult but somehow I couldn't get the idea out of my head.
- Hey, Dad.
Knock, knock.
- Hey.
Jesus, look who showed up.
I didn't hear you coming.
- It's the Damester.
- Are you drunk? No.
I'm doing a little research on roof repair.
What's doing? Well, I was just on my way back from Milo's house and I thought I'd check up on you and see how the camping was going.
- So have a seat, buddy.
- No, it's fine, it's fine.
Thanks.
I was I was wondering, though could I have 50 bucks? Fifty bucks.
Yeah.
Godhead tickets are going on sale and a bunch of us are gonna go camp out in line.
Yeah.
What is Godhead, anyway? Is it one of your Gothic overlords or something? It's goth, Dad.
Gothic is from the Middle Ages.
This is goth.
So you can camp out for Godhead but not your old man? - Yeah, I knew you'd say no.
- Yeah.
What's that on your fingernails? Nothing, Dad.
It's kind of like a look, okay? Yeah, yeah.
No, I've been meaning to talk with you about that.
Look, if you're attracted to You know, the lipstick, the nail thing, we should discuss it.
There's nothing to discuss.
Forget it.
I gotta go.
Hey, Damon, times are tough.
And your mother and I give you an allowance, you know.
Hey, hey, Damon.
Damon.
MAN: I've lived a long life.
People are always asking me for my advice.
"Ed, my kid's on dope.
What do I do?" "Ed, my wife's stepping out on me.
What do I tell her?" Et cetera, et cetera.
Well, I've been helping people out for a long time now and I got to thinking, maybe that's my thing.
I could take an ad out in the newspaper that says: "Ed Phipps, unlicensed therapist.
No-nonsense advice from the guy who's seen it all.
" Then I'd charge by the hour instead of giving it away for free like a consultant.
FLOYD: Good idea, Ed.
I can see that you're off to a crackerjack start.
Who's next? Tanya.
Ahem.
Well, I'm a poet, so what I'm good with are words.
Some people don't value words as much as I do.
Some people don't put stock in them and they can be casually cruel with them.
Some people can be very cruel.
But I'd like to think most people are better than that.
So, what is your idea, Tanya? Lyric bread.
Using the fortune cookie as my inspiration I plan to create and market a line of baked goods with a short poem tucked inside.
A croissant folded around Maya Angelou's "Phenomenal Woman," for example.
Or a raisin loaf with Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken" swirled in.
Maybe some of my own poetry too.
FLOYD: Lyric bread.
Food for the body, food for the soul.
I like it.
What do you think, class? You might wanna laminate the poem.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Then again, you don't want that plastic taste in your mouth, right? Other than that, I think you got yourself a winner, Tanya.
FLOYD: Certainly do.
[APPLAUSE.]
What about you, Ray? Have you considered your winning tool? Yeah, I've considered it.
I think I know what it is.
What I'm trying to figure out is how to market it because what I'm discovering is Slow down, Ray.
Before we can help you with your dream, we have to know what it is.
You have to pitch it to us.
I'm not in the mood to pitch tonight, Floyd and I really don't think it's something for the group.
Now, what Ray is going through is very normal.
Fear.
It's a common stumbling block.
But the way to overcome it is to acknowledge it, validate it and keep on going.
Damn the torpedoes.
Now, without thinking about it, tell me, Ray.
Say it.
What is your winning tool? Yeah, no, without thinking about it, say it.
"My name is Ray and l" I've got a big dick, Floyd.
[CROWD MURMURING.]
RAY: All right? I've got a big dick.
Now what the hell do I do with the damn thing? I'm not that smart.
I'm not that talented.
Anymore, anyway.
I wasted my youth and now I look around and everybody seems to have accomplished something but me.
I don't have anything.
I got a burned-out house and a job that pays shit.
Can't afford to pay my taxes on time.
I can't even afford to buy my son a ticket to a fucking rock 'n' roll show, okay? So I'm pretty much at the precipice here and my big dick is all I've got.
Got any advice for me? RAY: Okay, I didn't actually say that.
I said I was good with old cars.
Wanted to be a mechanic.
What a crock.
That night I swallowed my pride bought a prepaid cell phone and a box of condoms and put an ad in the back pages ofthe Detroit Examiner.
And I paid the extra fee to include a photo In the online edition.
[WHISTLE BLOWS.]
RAY: Pick it up, Pazderka.
Good.
Nice, Makoski, nice.
Come on.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Mike, take over for a second, will you? All right, come on, come on.
Let's hustle, let's hustle.
Hello? Yeah, you got Donnie.
That's right, I sure do.
Yeah, I know where it is.
Under what name? Okay.
Wait, this Friday? No, I got a game.
L I mean, sure, I'm game.
Okay, you got it.
Sorry, no.
Cash only.
RAY: And that is how Ray Drecker, teenage sports star from the legendary West Lakefield class of '84 winner of a full baseball scholarship to the University of Central Florida recruited to the Atlanta Braves before being sidelined by ruptured ligaments later the second-winningest basketball and cross-country coach in West Lakefield history came to be standing in front of this door.
Hey, sugar, Donnie's here.
[CHUCKLES.]
Sugar? Hey, lady.
Hey, lady, you think this is fun for me, huh? What do you mean, you changed your mind? Look, I'm sorry.
I just I'm sorry.
I rearranged my whole schedule just to accommodate you and Forget it.
You know what? Just forget it.
Thanks.
TANYA: Ray, is that you? - Who's that? - It's me.
It's Tanya.
Tanya? Christ.
- How'd you know where I live? - The phone book.
I tried calling but your number's disconnected.
Now I see why.
Look at your house.
My God.
You were right about the poems.
The ink runs in the dough.
I'll have to print them on plastic or something.
I brought you a sample.
It's a gluten-free Neruda cranberry walnut bread.
Thank you.
Oh, you also left your gel pen that day at my house so I thought I'd bring it back.
- That's not my gel pen.
Right, it's my gel pen.
Yeah, look, Tanya, I'm really not in the mood, okay? Ray, I didn't come here to jump your bones, okay? I know we're not dating or anything.
I just I've been really concerned about you.
- You were concerned.
- Yeah.
You haven't been coming to class.
Why would you pay all that money and not go? Because I'm not very good with vintage cars, all right? I lied.
That's not your winning tool? Nope.
TANYA: "Big Donnie.
Will give you every inch of his love.
" - Why are you showing me this? - That's my ad.
This is you? Are you kidding? Please tell me this isn't you.
- You're the one that gave me the idea.
- To be a man-whore? Ray, that's disgusting.
- That's pathetic.
- Well, I'm a pathetic kind of guy.
Look, Tanya, what are you, like 40? - I'm 38.
- All right, then don't be so insulting.
Okay, I got some flaws, but you've got no job, you got no kids.
You're about to start making poem bread.
Wait a minute.
I do have a job.
I'm an artist.
Yeah, but right now you're a temp.
Right? Big Donn- So, heh, did you have any luck with this? Yeah, I went on my first thing today.
And? And she changed her mind.
She wouldn't even open the door.
She just took one look at me through the peephole.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Don't laugh.
- I'm sorry.
I don't think it's funny.
I think it's sad.
There's lonely people.
It's just not me.
You know, if you want my opinion, it's this ad or persona or whatever.
Big Donnie? Are you out of your mind? What kind of clients did you think you were gonna attract? Did I ask your opinion? I'm just saying you need to sell yourself better.
And then you can get into a situation where you feel more confident and more protected.
And frankly, you need to add a photo.
I did that.
Online.
Of your face.
Are you fucking kidding me? Tanya, I'm a highly respected educator.
Nobody can know who I am.
Ray, you missed the class in creative marketing.
There are so many different ways you can sell yourself.
Look, if you want, I can help.
I mean, when I'm not working on lyric bread.
[SCOFFS.]
You wanna help me sell myself? Yeah.
I mean, not for free.
Maybe for like a percentage of some kind.
You wanna be my pimp.
Yeah.
RAY: Hey, Damon.
Damon! Dad? Hold on real quick.
Dad, what are you doing here? Just Just saying hi.
Looks like you got a pretty good spot.
Been camping all night, huh? Wow.
Yeah.
Hey I thought this might come in handy.
Oh, no, no, Dad.
It's fine.
Ronnie already gave me everything I needed.
Look, you spend Ronnie's money on something else, okay? This is for Godhead.
RAY: You know, it might seem strange, but for the first time in years I felt pretty good.