I Hate Christmas (2022) s01e01 Episode Script

1
A NETFLIX SERIES
["Two Steps From Xmas"
by Thomas Bergersen playing]
[bell tolling]
[music intensifies]
[music crescendos]
[music stops, rewinds]
[inhales, exhales]
I hate Christmas.
There. I said it.
Hmm!
I just wanted you to know that in case
mankind becomes extinct or something.
It's not even because of panettone
or the lights. No, no.
I love panettone and the lights.
I hate Christmas
because Christmas hates me.
[upbeat music playing]
[sighs]
[music continues]
[woman] Here I am.
I look happy, right?
I am, actually.
I love my job. I have friends I like.
But Christmas
doesn't care about your happiness.
All that matters at Christmas
is having a family of your own.
There he is. Look! Baby Jesus hurrying
to meet his mum and dad.
[funky music playing]
These are my siblings.
See, Christmas doesn't hate them
because they have families,
and my mother loves them
because they've
found their places in the world.
To her, finding your place in the world
is essential.
Actually, my mother's only problem is me.
I'm not married,
nor do I have a boyfriend.
And tonight, just to punish me,
she's sat me in the middle
of my brother's twins.
He calls you "crooked legs"
[woman] But I won't buckle.
Not me. I'm proud of my independence.
And I don't need a boyfriend to be happy.
- I heard he got married.
- I have one!
[drum roll]
I have a boyfriend, and I'll bring him
over for Christmas, yeah.
[funky music playing]
I got my style ♪
I know! I fucked up. That's true.
But please try spending 12 hours
the way I did, and then we'll talk.
12 HOURS EARLIER
[woman] I feel like this Christmas
is different.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
[gasps] That's nice! The sun's out
- [woman] I haven't mentioned Francesco.
- You just did.
That doesn't count. And Mum has
finally taken the children's table away.
- [woman 2] Ah! Oh yeah?
- Because your children are grown-up now.
There's still the twins.
- No!
- [chuckles]
She She can't sit me with the twins.
Don't you agree?
[laughing] Gianna, darling,
you're the odd one out. Hmm?
As long as you don't have a boyfriend,
where do you want to go?
Well, unless someone gets ill,
which could happen,
because with this weather, all it takes
is a bit of a chill on your neck and
[gasps]
Giacomo, sweetheart,
did you put your scarf on?
If you don't wear your scarf,
you'll get ill and Mummy dies.
Do you want Mummy to die?
I do! You two are both going to hell
for doing this. It's your fault I'm here.
Why am I here? Can you tell me why?
We found some holly.
There's also some moss for your dad.
[woman 3] There you go.
As we've also got the moss,
we could go home now, right? Done!
[Gianna] Didi,
we've done this since we were little.
We come here together. We chat.
It's tradition.
Yes, but traditions change,
people grow up, hmm?
From now on, my new tradition is to stop
doing these stupid things with you.
Like wearing heels to go to the woods?
[all laugh]
Have mercy on her, Lord. She's confused.
She hasn't had sex for three years.
[bird flapping]
That's mistletoe!
[bird cawing]
Grandma used to say
if you kiss under the mistletoe,
you have a year of passion.
- [Gianna] She always used to say that.
- [woman 2] Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, but married couples don't have sex.
Everyone knows that, so
I'm 30 years old and a virgin. Am I not
the one in most need of finding love?
[Wild West music playing]
It's all mine.
[woman 2] I saw it first!
- [gasps]
- No, you stay there.
- Ouch! That's just vile.
- [chuckles]
It's all mine.
It's all mine! I'm taking it all!
[laughing]
Oh, all right. I'll keep it for Christmas.
Didi for the New Year.
Cathy can have it for the Epiphany.
What about me? I mean, couldn't I perhaps
kiss someone at Christmas?
[bird cawing]
[all snort and laugh]
Darling!
[laughs] At Christmas? You? Come on!
[Gianna] Apparently not. [sighs]
According to my friends, it's unthinkable
for me to kiss someone at Christmas.
It's true that I haven't been with anyone
since Francesco dumped me,
but that doesn't mean
I'll be alone forever.
I got my style ♪
And it's all right ♪
I got my style, got my style ♪
[Gianna] Good morning.
Hi there, Gianna!
One, please.
[cashier] Big prizes this year, Gianna.
Yeah?
A romantic holiday
in the mountains for two.
A spa evening for two.
And as a consolation prize
mittens
for two! [laughs]
Oh, great.
Sorry, Gianna. Was I insensitive?
No, no, no, no. Of course not.
A scratch card?
Does something like that interest you?
Uh, no.
[boat horn blares]
[mellow pop music playing]
If only I said no
When you asked me to dance ♪
As I pulled away ♪
[Gianna] The truth is
that in everyone's mind, I'm alone.
And for them, I'll be alone forever.
I know this love is doomed ♪
But you, dear ♪
I didn't think I'd find you here ♪
Roaming in the ♪
[Gianna] The only place
where this doesn't matter
is the place I love the most.
My hospital.
- [elevator dings]
- Don't read it, just leave it ♪
It might give me away ♪
There you go.
- So right here, I have all the results
- How did it go?
- Good, yes. Thank you very much.
- Tell me about it later.
Good morning.
- Good morning.
- [man] Good morning.
- Giannina!
- Matilde, how are you?
- Good.
- Welcome back.
Giannina, darling.
Okay, you can take Ms. Clotilde
for a CT scan.
Matilde. Matilde Castoldi.
[doctor] Hmm.
Yes. Anyway, Ms
Matilde.
She could have severe
chronic obstructive pulmonary disease,
and she's complaining of chest pain.
There is no miracle cure,
but we could improve her quality of life.
Look here, doctor. My quality of life
is just perfect as it is.
[doctor] You could
at least try to stop smoking.
- [scoffs] At 80 years old! [laughs]
- [laughs]
My young doctor, sooner or later,
we have to die of something, right?
Where did you find this one?
Dr. Menghini moved here recently
from Florence.
[Matilde] Oh!
[laughs] Umberto,
can I ask you something quickly?
You've read her notes, right?
Because it looks like
there are signs of polychondritis.
She's been smoking 60 years.
Her chest pains are due to her lungs.
Can we do some tests to check because
Can we swap shifts tomorrow?
Uh
[sighs] Yeah.
Great.
- All right, you.
- Hi.
[Umberto]
Hmm, about your polychondritis theory
We'll do some tests.
You were right.
I'm off!
I have a shift in the ER.
See you later.
Giannina, are you going
to tell the young doctor
that he needs to turn right
to go to the ER?
No.
[chuckles]
He'll work it out on his own.
- You're terrible!
- I learned from the best!
[chuckles]
[holiday music playing]
He's married.
Do you see? And with children!
- And it wasn't on his Tinder profile?
- What do you think?
Rumor has it
that you outperformed a doctor.
Not really.
Lucky you for giving up on men.
Now you have time to focus on your work.
No, I haven't really given up on men.
[laughs nervously]
No one's in the picture.
It's not like "Gianna has given up on men"
is carved in stone. No!
Nah.
Anyway, I have some mistletoe now,
so, well, we'll see. [laughs awkwardly]
A year of passion [laughs nervously]
Thank you for that information, Gianna.
Now, if you've finished chatting,
you can come to the meeting.
I need a list of five doctors and nurses
who are going to work on Christmas Eve.
How many are thinking of spending it
with partners or children?
Gianna? A double shift, as usual?
That's the fate of singletons
and those without children.
Keeping everything going
while everyone else fills their faces.
Sorry. I went to the wrong floor.
No problem, doctor.
As you're alone in this city,
I've put you down for a double shift too.
Do you have any objections?
No.
Well, then,
we'll share the magic of Christmas!
[children singing]
- [Gianna] Here I am.
- There you are.
You said
you were going to be here at four.
Sorry.
Lisa gets nervous without you.
Look at her. She's nervous.
- No, no. No!
- She'll throw up now, for sure.
Honey, Mummy loves you!
Don't throw up, okay?
You're going to embarrass her like that.
You're like Mum.
What are you on about? That's not true.
And anyway, Mum never came
to hear you sing. I always did.
[children continue singing]
Anyway, sorry for being late.
Two emergency patients arrived.
I couldn't leave. I'm so tired.
No. You don't know what tiredness is
until you have children,
I can guarantee you.
- I haven't slept for months.
- [woman] Yeah.
Well, actually,
I do night shifts at the hospital too
That's not the same thing at all.
A mother never sleeps, ever.
What about nappies?
Oh, truckloads of nappies!
Actually,
I change nappies at the hospital too.
[children continue singing]
[audience applauding]
Well done, Lisa!
[whispers] Yes!
What about you? When are you going to have
your own little shepherd?
[mysterious music playing]
Gianna
Hi, Margherita. How are you?
Oh, hi. Francesco! [laughs nervously]
Uh, good. And you What are you doing
Uh, fancy seeing you here.
I came, uh, to see my wife's niece.
Ah!
Greta is at home with the baby,
so I've come to represent the family.
Of course.
And Gianna?
Gianna Uh, Gianna
Well, you know what she's like.
She's always out and about,
up and down the country.
More up than down,
because down would be bad,
and she she's never down.
She's at work.
Uh, at the moment, she's at work.
When you see her, say hi from me.
- Sure.
- Good. Best wishes.
Oh, you too.
- Bye.
- [Margherita] Bye!
- Have you lost your senses?
- It's your fault.
You made me come across nervous.
Anyway, honey,
you broke up three years ago.
You could at least have said hi.
All right. I'll say hi next time.
Did you know that Francesco had a baby?
Uh,
yeah.
Oh.
He's called him Pietro.
- Pietro?
- Hmm.
[upbeat music playing]
You can't name your child
after your ex's father.
That should be illegal, right?
Hmm.
Well, anyway, he looked well, didn't he?
I mean, he's he's doing well.
That's how it is.
Men get better over time,
and women get worse.
I mean, not you!
I was just saying, generally.
His wife is all
a health freak, a real pain.
- Herbal teas, quinoa, avocado.
- Ah.
How come
you know all these things about Francesco?
Well, people talk.
No, sweetheart. No sweeties. Really.
It will ruin your teeth,
and we'll have to put a brace on you.
Then we'll have to remortgage.
And if we remortgage, then we'll die.
Do you want to go to heaven?
I'm going to get Giacomo
from his violin lesson, okay?
Then I'll see you at Mum's.
Look at you with all that free time.
- Um
- [Margherita] Bye, darling.
Well, I have a job.
Quite a serious one, actually.
I actually help to save save human lives.
Whatever.
[holiday music playing]
[music stops, rewinds]
And that's how we ended up here.
Friends who don't believe in you.
Lottery sellers who pity you.
Colleagues who take for granted
the shambles that is your love life.
Bosses who think you're a loser.
And then there's the best part.
There's my family, yeah.
[holiday music continues]
[woman vocalising]
- Hi, Gabriella.
- Hey, Gianna.
[entry bell jangles]
- [Gianna] Hi, Dad.
- Hi, darling.
Am I wrong in thinking
this is much bigger than last year's?
It's much bigger.
Did you manage to find some moss?
- Yes. Here it is.
- Well done.
Are you going to help me
in a couple of days?
- Can't do the Nativity scene without you.
- I'll come after my morning shift.
Hmm. This year,
it has to be world champion standard.
This wouldn't have anything to do
with Gabriella's Nativity scene
in the fishmonger's, by any chance?
She left her husband
for a man from Naples. Do you get it?
Huh?
Naples, Gianna.
It's the home of Nativity scenes.
And her husband was also my best friend.
Hmm.
Dad, do you
Do you think I'm weird?
Weird?
I mean, weird that I haven't
I've been on my own for so many years
that I don't yet have my own family.
On your own?
But you're not on your own, Gianna.
- You have me, Mum, your siblings.
- Yeah.
- [dad] We're your family, aren't we?
- Mm-hmm.
You do ask some crazy questions.
- Shall we try it?
- [Gianna] Let's try it.
- Are you ready?
- Yes.
- Three
- Two
- One
- Go!
Go.
[electricity fizzes]
[woman] Pietro!
[upbeat music playing]
[scoffs] Oh, this competition
between Nativity scenes is ridiculous.
At least if he's thinking about
the Nativity, he's not going fishing.
He covered the house in mud yesterday.
Anyway, with a narcissistic
coercive mother like his,
it's no wonder that at 60 years of age,
your father still acts like a child.
Is it true
that Gabriella left her husband?
Yes. It was about time.
A man with no backbone.
Darling, I saw an elastic on TV
that crosses behind your back
and keeps your shoulders straight.
Shall I get it for you? It might help.
- I found love ♪
- Didn't even know I needed it ♪
But I found love ♪
No, Gianna, sorry.
We're all seated in couples.
You're on your own,
and odd numbers ruin the balance.
[baby fussing]
Okay.
Ugh! The balance!
Giulio, we're waiting for you.
[phone locks]
- I hope you like it.
- [Margherita and Giulio] Bon appétit.
[woman] Bon appétit.
[baby cooing, chattering]
Have you heard that Elsa's daughter
has had a baby? And she's not even 30!
In Milan, girls are going back
to having babies at a younger age.
It's more natural.
I had Margherita
when I was still studying psychology.
And besides,
you don't have to go to Milan.
Even in Chioggia,
you're considered geriatric at 30.
Actually, you're only geriatric after 35.
You know?
Honey, are you coming to dinner
on Christmas Eve this year?
I don't think so, Dad, no.
I'm working at the hospital. Hmm.
- [dad] No!
- [mum] No! This year too?
Why do you let them push you around?
[Margherita] She doesn't make the rules.
Anyway, I'm glad Gianna
doesn't have a boyfriend.
Let her be a daughter
for a bit longer, right? [laughs]
Spinster. You mean "spinster."
I'd freeze my eggs.
No, sorry, Gianna is 30.
She doesn't need to freeze anything.
Darling,
why don't you call my lawyer friend?
He's nicknamed you "cowgirl,"
but he means well.
Francesco never made jokes
about your bow legs.
And he was a good cook.
Not to mention his Nativity scene.
I heard he got married.
I'd still freeze my eggs, just in case.
I have one!
[drum roll]
I have a boyfriend.
I'll bring him over for Christmas.
Well, there's hope for everyone! [laughs]
[slow cha-cha music playing]
[music slows]
Now do you get why I had to lie like that?
I mean, I was practically forced to.
[sighs] It's just that [breathes deeply]
Now there's this little problem, so yeah.
["Edamame" by BBNO$ playing]
Balls hanging low
While I pop a bottle off a yacht ♪
Chain swinging, clang, clang
And it cost a lot ♪
Bitch, I'm always after guala, yeah
And you're not ♪
Badass B keep on goin'
Till you hit the spot, whoa ♪
I'm a big bag hunter with the bow ♪
She a got a big bad dumper
Drop it low ♪
Mama called me
And she happy with the grow, grow ♪
[all gasp]
Basically, I destroyed Christmas.
Got a bad baby, and she's independent ♪
Too many people older than me
That's seeking attention ♪
When they warned me 'bout the goofies
Man, I shoulda listened ♪
And the smell of the money
My strangest addiction ♪
She tipped for it
I let, I let, I had to dip ♪
I'm off a fifth, am I rich now? ♪
Go! Never ever fall for a daddy
That's a no ♪
What happened?
Baby Jesus. He fell in when they were
putting him in the Nativity scene.
[man] I saw it. Crazy stuff.
They were lowering him down
from the bridge, and and poof!
A moment later, he was gone.
It's not Christmas without Baby Jesus.
Right.
["Edamame" continues playing]
Thank you. Good evening.
[woman] Bye.
I'm a big bag hunter with the bow ♪
She a got a big bad dumper
Drop it low ♪
Mama called me
And she happy with the grow ♪
Never ever fall for a daddy ♪
24 DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS
Disappeared among the waves. Get it?
I told a lie,
and Baby Jesus fell in the water. [laughs]
They've been looking for him
since last night. Nothing. Vanished.
Darling, you're just superstitious.
God isn't angry with you
because you're looking for love. Come on!
He isn't, but I am.
Find a boyfriend, I'm begging you.
I can't bear this problem as well.
I'll sign you up to Tinder
- No!
- No, no!
[Didi] Why not?
No! Gianna's looking for a boyfriend,
not just sex.
I was thinking,
why don't you come with me to choir?
- There's lots of people. You can sing
- Yeah.
Caterina, read my lips. "Intercourse."
She needs to have sex, not sing.
Love! It's called "making love."
And it's very different and much nicer
than sex, I can guarantee you.
You can guarantee that
because you know what we're
Ow! No, I was just asking
out of curiosity.
[huffs]
[Didi] Anyway, it's going to be
really hard to find a man in 24 days.
But there are a few rules,
simple yet essential, okay?
Don't talk about your ex.
Women who talk about their exes reek of
of, uh, defeat. Right?
And generally be concise.
Just a few words.
- I won't talk. I'll I'll
- [Didi] Good.
Men hate women who talk too much.
[Gianna] Whatever. It's impossible anyway.
Even if I wanted to and tried my hardest,
finding a boyfriend in 24 days
is impossible, right?
It would take a miracle.
[all gasp]
Don't worry! I'll put it out.
No, wait! If there are electrical wires,
water will make it worse.
[laughs nervously]
I learned that at, uh
at a marinading and grilling course.
[all mutter]
- You can throw that away.
- [all] Yes, throw it away.
[romantic music playing]
[Caterina] Thanks!
Marinading and grilling!
- [man] Hi.
- Hi.
21 DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS
I'm Luca.
Gianna.
I haven't seen you before.
Are you new here?
Yes, it's my trial lesson.
I didn't really want to come here.
My friends signed me up, yes.
Sorry, I'm a bit out of practice,
and being in a place
with just men makes me a bit awkward.
Don't worry. It's a cooking course.
And anyway, if you want to get away
from someone, there's an old trick.
Look down
and pretend to be looking at your phone.
- [laughs] Thank you.
- It's nothing.
Um, for this trial lesson,
they told me I can join other students
and help out. I don't know
This place next to me is free.
Perfect.
[door opens]
[drum roll]
[Wild West music playing]
We have a new girl again today.
[laughs] Gianna. Nice to meet you.
Listen, you do know
that the kitchen isn't a place for girls?
Uh, well, actually, women in the kitchen
My darling! [laughs]
We don't cook here.
- Here we create.
- Ah!
[shouting] Water! Air! Earth! Fire!
Which is the real men's element?
[all shout] Fire, chef!
And what do we do with fire?
[all] We tame it, chef!
And we are what, huh?
[all] We are men, chef!
[slams] Turn on the grills!
[grills beeping]
[snorts] Is he always this pissed off?
I'll put the stove on. You clean the veg.
If you've come to lick your wounds,
you're in the wrong place.
I haven't come here to lick my wounds,
also because I'm not hurt.
Actually, it's been nice
having some time on my own,
because when you're on your own,
you can think about yourself,
you can do the things you love.
I mean, for example,
if you had a girlfriend,
maybe you wouldn't be able
to do this course four times a week,
whereas you can.
Why?
Well, because you might want to spend time
with her, with your girlfriend.
Why?
Because that's how couples work.
You know, sharing hobbies,
doing things together,
coming up with I don't know.
Are you hitting on me?
I wasn't hitting on him.
Okay, I'm looking for a boyfriend
by Christmas,
but that doesn't mean I'll hit on
the first person I encounter, really!
And actually,
the real reason I've come to this course
is simply to meet new people.
Like, why have you come to this course?
Because my psychiatrist says
I have issues with my anger. It's absurd.
That's interesting. Maybe it's because
Will you cut those carrots,
for fuck's sake?
[Gianna] Let's get this straight.
I've got nothing against anger.
It's a noble feeling.
It has to be respected
like all others, but
I'm more for peace there.
[laughs nervously]
Anyway, how lovely
that you're a philosophy graduate.
That was my favourite subject at school.
Well, philosophy taught in high school
isn't philosophy.
Losers teach it there.
And so what do you do?
I teach philosophy.
At high school.
[gasps]
- Chef!
- [groaning]
Luckily, it was only a small cut,
as cuts to fingers are
notoriously hard to heal.
I know because I'm a nurse.
- Oh, nice.
- [chuckles]
Taking care of others.
- Yes.
- A typical woman's job, eh?
- [screams]
- [all gasp and shout]
[chef] Water!
[Gianna] No! No, no, no! No water!
- What are you doing?
- [Gianna] Stop!
[pan fizzes]
Water on electrical appliances
creates a short circuit,
and you don't need
to have been to a course to learn that.
Secondary school would be enough.
[sighs]
[solemn music]
[boat horn blares]
[seagulls caw]
- Bye, guys.
- [men] Bye! See you!
Have a good night, yeah.
Excuse me. Do you have a light?
[laughs]
Nice joke.
Anyway, no, I don't have one.
I know, I know.
I made an ass of myself. I know.
But don't worry!
I won't be coming back to the course.
Didi's right. She's my best friend.
Yeah, I'm scared.
I'm scared. I'm scared of of being weird,
I'm scared
of talking too much about my ex,
I'm scared of wasting time, and I'm scared
that when I say hi to people,
they'll look at their phone to avoid me.
It's really horrible
when people look down at their phone.
Well, I don't have a phone.
And if I did,
I wouldn't look at it anyway.
Hi. I'm Nicola.
- I wasn't at the course. [chuckles]
- [Gianna] Oh!
I teach Italian to foreigners
on the floor above.
Okay. I'm sorry, I didn't
I thought Gianna.
Gianna. Are you not cold?
- Yes, actually, I am a bit cold.
- Just a second.
- Voilà!
- Oh, thank you very much.
You're welcome.
You can give it back to me
tomorrow evening if you'd like?
Bye, Gianna.
Holy cow, it's morning already ♪
The sun is up ♪
It's up ♪
And I am not ready yet ♪
Holy cow, it's Christmas already ♪
Rejoice ♪
The best hated Santa ♪
Would heal all the scars in my soul ♪
And to make me feel better ♪
He'll sing ♪
[men vocalising]
BASED ON HOME FOR CHRISTMAS
Means everything wakens ♪
But I will ♪
Just like snow ♪
Holy cow, my heart is unsteady ♪
It's come undone ♪
So what should I be allowed to forget? ♪
Holy cow, it's Christmas already ♪
The world is full of joy ♪
So why am I so sad? ♪
Will Santa fix
All the cracks in my bones? ♪
Or trash my letters? ♪
[vocalising]
Makes everyone selfish ♪
But I can't ♪
Stand it at all ♪