iCarly (2021) s01e01 Episode Script

I am so ready for this.
- Ah! - Ah! What are you doing here? Setting up for a romantic evening with my boyfriend.
I would've done it at my place, but rich people have such nice lighting.
What are you doing here? I'm the rich person with the nice lighting that owns this apartment.
Wait.
You and Beau, that's tonight? Don't look at this.
What is that giant, gold monstrosity? It's a gift I made for you.
Oh, I love it.
Did I miss anything? Oh, you gave it to her without me? Yeah, and her reaction was priceless.
Just a little something for you and Beau as you begin this beautiful journey together as partners.
We thought you could stand on either side of it and be all Thank you.
Wow.
I can't believe Beau is going to propose that we do a channel together.
After years of doing "iCarly" with Sam and then hosting Italian QVC and then my brief stint in college radio, I'm finally going to be back online where I belong, with a partner who I love and trust.
Now, where should I put my phone, so I can secretly record him? Now that's true love.
I told all the "iCarly" fans to tune in to my livestream.
Beau asking me to do a channel together, that's good content.
Why waste it? Couldn't agree more, which is why after Spencer designed this sculpture, I outfitted it with a sneaky, little spot for a camera.
Mm boop.
Freddie, this is why we stayed friends all these years, you creepy genius.
I actually did the whole making it part, so, you know, who's the real creepy genius? This is so exciting.
I've been wanting to start up my own channel again, but I didn't want to do it by myself.
You know what? He's probably going to be here any minute, and I love you guys so much, but get.
Hey, everyone.
I'm back.
I know it's been a while, but you guys are in for something really exciting.
- Carly? - Beau.
Hey.
Cool shape.
Yeah, it's an and symbol for Carly and Beau.
Doesn't it make you just want to stand on either side of it be all Sure, kind of.
But for now, let's sit and be all Carly, we do a lot of things together.
- I know.
It's so great.
- We date.
We share a Spotify account.
You came with me to the podiatrist.
I just get you.
So I think it's only natural we - Start a channel together.
- Need some time apart.
Wait.
What? Time apart? Why? We gotta get the phone.
You came with me to the podiatrist.
Well, yeah, but that's just because your podiatrist is next to the good dumpling place.
Could've done takeout.
They're not as good at room temperature.
Deep down, you know that.
I love you.
I just need a little space, just for a minute.
Oh, space, yeah.
I'm fine with space.
I love space.
It's really nice because it teaches you to appreciate what you had before you took all the space.
So how long are we talking here, like, a week? - Maybe a little longer.
- Two? You're just dumping me, aren't you? Yah! Yah! Now I have a broken heart and a broken phone.
Awesome.
It's still working and live-streaming everything.
I think people will see that it was a mutual thing.
Is it that time of day where you drag your depression down the hall from Spencer's apartment to ours? He's getting ready for a sculpture premier party.
I just want to stay here and re-watch every episode of "Law & Order".
The murders will cheer me up.
We're going to that party.
- Come on.
- Harper.
You don't even like Spencer.
Yes, I do.
Why am I lying? The man is a ding-dong.
But I do find the dumber the man, the better the party.
Of course you want to go.
For you, parties are a never-ending buffet of people who want to sleep with you.
Cute guys, hot girls, ridiculously gorgeous, non-binary lawyers who get your name tattooed on their thigh.
That only happened twice.
Me, on the other hand, I feel like my face is now physically incapable of smiling.
Carly, look Beau's calling? I can't talk to him.
I'm not dating.
I'm not making videos.
I'm too embarrassed about my life.
You should be.
Your legs look like Eugene Levy's eyebrows.
You said that was feminist.
Carly, look, I know this is hard.
When my family lost all their money, all I wanted to do was curl up on the deck of our 50-foot sailboat and cry, but I didn't.
You know why? Because your dad sunk it for insurance.
And because I decided to look at it as an opportunity.
I picked myself up.
I applied for every job I could think of, and they all said I was unqualified.
Then I got a minimum-wage job as Skybucks, and I'm still there four years later.
It had a happy-ending tone, but Because it is happy.
Accessorizing that tacky-ass apron made me realize that I want to be a stylist, and now I have a job and a dream and all the half-and-half I can drink.
- You're lactose intolerant.
- My body, my choice.
Go to this party, take the first step, and if you don't take the first step in those black ankle boots, can I borrow them? Wow.
I thought I was early, but there are so many people here already.
They're servers.
I had them dress like guests, so my friends wouldn't be all, "Ooh, look at Spencer with his waiters and his remodeled apartment and his Swarovski crystal boxer briefs".
Still just a regular guy.
- Gold-leaf martini? - Yes, please.
You can really taste the gold.
- Mm, Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
You earned your success.
You're the guy who made the marshmallow White House sculpture.
The way that it was half melted to reflect our disintegrating democracy, such a brave statement.
It was an accident.
I left it next to my cell phone, which broke out into a spontaneous fire.
Anyway, now I own a falcon named Jericho.
Wow.
I clearly did it all wrong.
Pursued my dreams, married for love.
Two divorces and a failed start-up later, I'm back living with my mom.
Maybe instead of figuring out my next tech venture, I'll just melt some marshmallows.
I'll sue you into the ground.
- Wow.
I clearly did it all wrong.
- Oh, no.
Pursued my dreams, married for love Millicent, do not post that.
I'm making content.
Told you just stop recording me.
I'm back living with my mom.
Just because you adopted me doesn't make you my dad.
I'm back living with my mom.
Literally, it does.
That is exactly what it means.
And send.
Can you like it to give it some traction? "Can you like it to give it some traction, please?" I'm setting a timer for exactly five minutes.
After that, it's back to numbly eating frozen french fries straight from the bag.
Oh, good.
You guys came.
So what did you bring the host? It's half-and-half.
Where's the bar? Hi, Carly.
How's retirement? I'm not retired.
You haven't posted for a month.
In internet years, that's a decade.
It's okay, Carly.
Go into the light.
Your channel has two subscribers.
I know.
I'm one of them.
Ugh.
Now people are going to think my channel is for olds.
Okay, can I have everyone's attention, please? Thank you.
Okay.
While Carly is still here One minute, 45 seconds to go.
Years ago I created a sculpture with the most moving parts, unwittingly breaking a Jonas World Record.
I've since lost that title, but tonight I shall reclaim it.
Behold, the "Supertastic Sculpture of Stuff" "Plus".
Impressive.
Is it different from the old one? No.
It is the old one, just with more stuff.
Hence the plus.
- I'm not unamused.
- I'm full-on amused.
Are we all looking at the same thing? That big, old pile of junk? It's art.
Not everyone has to like it.
Why don't you like it? It's just the same thing you did before with a few new pieces, right? Will somebody put down their gold drink and defend me? I will.
The reason this is genius is And I'm out.
Night, guys.
Freddie, finish her thought, please.
Okay.
Um.
Carly? Carly Shay from Camp Lakehorn? Luke? Luke Tyler also from Camp Lakehorn? - Are you leaving? - No.
I'm just holding the door for your girlfriend.
I'm single.
Oh, my God.
We have so much in common.
I can't believe we found each other again.
I just want to know everything about you.
What does your dad do? Well, he's in the Air Force but was somehow on a submarine.
And I'm not exactly sure.
- Okay.
What's your mom like? - Uh I let's go back to my dad.
So you hot-glued a bunch of random stuff on there to keep a plaque, then threw yourself a party? It's not a plaque.
It's a certificate.
I need to eat my feelings.
Not a waiter? When I got back from Italy, I went to college.
I tried theater and media studies, but I felt like I got more out of doing "iCarly" then at any boring old lecture.
So what do you do? I'm a college professor.
But I bet whatever you teach is super meaningful.
I specialize in the mouthfeel of certain viscous foods.
Yep, super meaningful.
Trust me, I am in no place to date.
See, just that self-awareness tells me you totally are.
They're out of spicy tuna cones, so I'm going to dip.
That's my stepdaughter.
I share custody with my ex, who divorced me and took all my nice shirts.
Oh, there you are.
Millicent, I drew your bath, and, Freddie Freddie! I put your warm milk in your Thermos next to your bed.
And if you're both good, I'll let you snuggle with me for ten minutes and watch "Toledo House Flip".
Oh, my gosh.
Come on, Freddie, "Toledo House Flip".
So are we done here? Great.
Thank you.
Luke, I don't normally do this on the first night, but should we go somewhere a little more comfortable? I hope you still respect me after this.
Okay.
So in the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups, right? There's the police, who investigate crime, and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders.
These are their stories.
Carly, is that you? You're normally catatonic until noon, when you gather enough energy to cry.
It's me.
Help yourself to a mimosa.
Pancakes are on the way.
You made breakfast, you showered, you're happy.
I'm thrilled.
What's happening? Fate.
Fate is happening.
Did you know I was about to leave, I set a timer, it went off I opened the door and there he was, Luke.
No.
Ugh.
You were texting in the group chat until, like, 3:00 a.
m.
last night.
I swore I would never mute my bestie, but you tested me.
Why does it look so nice in here? I'm just so happy about reconnecting with Luke.
Did you know I was about to leave? I set a timer and when it went off, I opened the door and there he was, Luke.
Millicent doesn't know the story.
Don't care.
Fine.
I set a timer, then it went off.
I opened the door and there he was, Luke.
Wait a minute.
Why is there a framed picture of Luke on that table? Oh, it's just from his Instagram.
It's totally normal.
Flowers, the pancakes.
The showering.
This is too nice for us.
What? I can't do something nice for my friends and Beau to prove that I won the break-up? What have you done? I figured since I'm so happy and in such a good place, it's the perfect time to reach out to Beau.
Carly.
Carly, Carly, Carly and friends.
Friends, friends, friends.
So excited for brunch, but first, Carly, can we talk a sec? - I'll get the water.
- You got that oatmeal? I'm going to read the newspaper.
Thanks for having me over.
I'm glad we can catch up because I wanted you to hear it from me first.
I'm seeing someone.
- We doing eggs? - Current events.
So creamy.
Good for you, Beau.
And we're doing a new channel together.
What? Well, I'm dating someone too.
Luke.
We have history.
He's a professor, so our connection is really cerebral but also physical and emotional.
All the connections you can have with a person, we have, plus more.
- This is his face.
- That's awesome.
It is, and we're starting a channel together too.
- What? - Wow.
- This is goat milk! - We don't even get the paper.
You know, because comedy and mouthfeel science are such a natural fit.
Sure.
Sure.
When are going to drop your first video? Uh, Friday.
Wow.
We're dropping Friday too.
And we're launching live.
Premiere live? That's crazy risky.
Look at you.
I got to run to the bathroom, but then I want to hear all about this channel.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
Why did I just say I'm launching a channel with a total stranger? Now wait a minute.
Y'all went to camp.
You two made s'mores.
Right.
We have that.
You know what? This is going to totally work.
Luke and I are going to kill it.
- You will? - Really? Luke? - You will.
- Really! Luke! I love this place.
Just a heads up, they only serve whey here.
Like, whey protein that you put in a smoothie? No, like the watery part of milk that remains after the formation of curds.
Divine mouthfeel.
Do all these people know this? So I have something really exciting to tell you Mm, mm, mm! Classic Seattle tap.
That slightly unctuous texture.
- Very wet.
- Mm-hmm.
And so I was going to tell you that Here is our Bavarian goat whey, fermented at an altitude of just under 10,000 feet.
Enjoy.
If you get a chunk, that's considered good luck.
Bottoms up.
Guess I got lucky.
So the thing I was going to tell you I'll wait.
Yeah.
We're done.
- You wanted to see me? - Yes.
Okay.
Which one of these things can I add to the sculpture to make you like it? Spencer, that's not what this is are those my sunglasses? - Maybe, or maybe they're art.
- Oh, come on.
Who cares what I think? - Me! Me cares.
- But why does "me" care? Look, just because I'm young, cool and probably the hottest person you'll ever meet in real life? - Yeah, all those.
- When you made the sculpture, you were inspired, and you loved it.
That's all that matters.
I'll buy you a car if you say you like it.
You are lucky I do not have parking.
I needed this.
I had discarded dairy juice for dinner.
- No way.
- Yes, whey.
Why did I ever think I should start a channel with Luke? Am I that desperate for a partner? Don't answer that, still talking.
I just want to make things again.
You don't need a partner to do that.
Yeah.
I don't need a partner.
I need Sam, but she's off following her bliss with that biker gang.
The Obliteraters.
I hope she's okay.
It's Sam.
I hope they're okay.
I just wish she was here so we could do "iCarly" again.
Mm.
Do you think I could do it on my own? Doesn't matter what I think.
It matters what you want.
Of course, I wouldn't be completely on my own.
I'd have my new producer.
- Aw.
You do mean me, right? - Yeah.
Do you think you could shoot me using that filter that makes my cheekbones all That filter that makes you look like an alien? A sexy alien.
Sure.
I guess there's just one more question.
If Spencer ever got around to building that home gym.
I was never going to use a home gym.
- Ah! - Oh, that's right.
I forgot about my marionette-making phase.
I keep them up here because it's away from the knives.
Mm, why does that one look like Carly? I made one that looks like you too, Freddie, but I sold it to Nora Dershlit.
Is this a good idea? I mean, what would I even do on the show? Old, goofy stuff, new, sophisticated stuff? Just find something that makes you smile.
Go from there.
Those dachshunds always made me smile.
Who put those up there? I've never seen those before in my life.
Aw.
The idiot farm girl.
You know what? This really does look like a squirrel.
Oh, my God.
The sack.
These were so fun.
Yeah, until Sam superglued my drawstring closed and left me here overnight.
Yeah.
That was a rough night for me too.
He would not stop screaming.
George, the bra that told ghost stories.
I never did grow into you.
See, you came up with all this stuff when you were a kid.
Imagine what you can do now.
And we'll help however we can.
I'm really glad to hear you say that because I thought it might still be here.
Damn it.
We're back.
In five, four, three, two Welcome to the new "iCarly".
Ooh, looks like she's already got a few viewers.
Probably bots from Brazil.
This is still "iCarly", but it's grown-up now.
So today I thought I'd share my skin-care routine.
According to the many, many targeted ads I get, it's never too early to start using anti-aging products! Even for Baby Spencer.
Yeah! That's me! None of these products were tested on animals, just one tiny, little lucky infant.
Oh, I feel lucky! In no way am I worried.
- Here we go.
- Oh.
Oh, I think he needs a lot more.
- Some more? - No.
That's enough already.
I don't think this is how you do it.
I love this serum.
I actually panic-bought it when I was at a 7-Eleven, and the guy there called me ma'am.
I don't know what he's so upset about.
I pay people to do this to me.
They say that by the time you need skin care, it's already too late, but you should still spend all your money on it.
And in the end, it's just an expensive reminder we're all going to die someday.
That's a little emo for a comedy show, don't you think? - Sheet mask.
- What? - Yup.
Here you go.
- Ah! No! People are weirdly loving this.
I'm totally hating it! Enough of that, baby.
And now we're just going to That's cold.
- Roll it all up.
- I don't like that feeling.
- And we're going to absorb - Ow.
- All the moisturizer.
- It's cold.
You ready for the lip mask? Oh, I don't know what it is, but I am.
- Right here.
- Okay.
Okay.
You're going to want to keep your mouth nice and shut.
That sounds good.
This lip mask is actually made out of laundry detergent.
Kinda of seems like we never left.
A toast to my sister, Carly.
- To Carly.
- To Carly.
Also I decided not to call the Jonas people.
Let someone else have the world record.
It's not why I made the sculpture, and it's not why I love it.
- Still not for me.
- Damn it.
I think the sculpture is great.
Do all the pieces still move? You tell me.
I I love it.
- You do? - Absolutely.
It's about setting your own self on fire and then rebuilding from the ashes like a phoenix.
If you want to oversimplify it, sure.
You know, you really had me going with the whole world record thing, but I guess that was just a part of it.
Performance art.
It wasn't supposed to catch on fire, was it? Never is.