If You See God, Tell Him (1993) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
# I was walking along # Minding my business # When out of an orange-coloured sky # Flash, bam, alakazam # Wonderful you came by # I was humming a tune # Drinking in sunshine # When out of that orange-coloured view # Flash, bam, alakazam # I got a look at you # One look and I yelled "Timberl" #"Watch out for flying glass" # Cos the ceiling fell in and the bottom fell out # I went into a spin and I started to shout # I've been hit, this is it, this is it # Recently, I contracted staphylococcal food poisoning from a tin of creamed mushrooms, and as I was kneeling there with my neck on the edge of the lavatory, listening to The Best Of Shirley Bassey through a pair of high-fidelity headphones, I found myself asking the question, "Is there a god?" So I looked it up in a book, and apparently, there isn't, which poses an even bigger, more fundamental question.
I wonder if you can guess what it is I'm sitting on here now.
That's right, the threshold of the 21st century, a century that will almost certainly be filled with more civil wars, famine, ecological disasters and hideous global catastrophes than mankind has ever known, which makes you wonder, is there any reason to go on living? Well, the answer is, oh, yes indeed! Of course, there's not many people can see it, except me, but then I'm a little bit different to everyone else, because what makes me a little bit special is that I have seen the light.
It all began about six months ago now, outside our local post office on the corner of Torquemada Terrace and Inquisition Street.
I remember very clearly.
It was a Monday morning and there were one or two other people in front of me, although, of course, I couldn't tell you all their names and addresses.
The weather was dry and mild for the time of year, but otherwise unremarkable, which made the events that were to follow all the more startling, for, as I arrived there that day for my television licence stamp, I could little have imagined how my life would soon be changed beyond all recognition.
(Splattering) (Splattering) Looking back, I don't think miracle would be too strong a word for the impact that moment had on me.
Something intangible, which you couldn't quite describe, was about to hit me like a bolt from heaven.
(Crashing) (Distorted sirens) (Man) Get the car out of the wayl Get the ambulancel Such was the strength of this mystical force that I must have passed out in a paroxysm of joy, for the next thing I knew, I was lying in a hospital bed with my dear wife Josie close at hand.
What sort of mental abnormalities? Well, for one thing, an increasingly limited attention span.
He'll find it impossible to concentrate on anything for longer than about 30 seconds at a time.
Sometimes, the balance of mind becomes so disturbed, the patient ceases to be capable of what we call rational and discerning behaviour.
(Woman) If only my teapot smelt like Jean's.
Her dishes always look so zippy clean too.
I wonder what her secret is.
Your cups and saucers can smell zingy fresh too, Sally, when you use this.
New concentrated Gleemy with tangy pineapple fragrance? (Jean) With its special new aromatic formula, new Gleemy not only gets my dishes clean, it leaves them smelling clean too.
(Man) All at once, I was conscious of a blinding revelation, As if a sudden shaft of sunlight had illuminated my grey and dismal life.
(TV) # P-p-pop into a post office # And post away your problems with a smile (Man on TV) Make every day a red-letter day with a visit to your local post office.
(Man) Over the next ten weeks, although heavily sedated with a series of dangerous drugs, I found myself embarking on a wondrous new voyage of intellectual discovery.
(Vicar) sight of God and in the face of this congregation, to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony.
Jeez, I wish they'd get a move on.
My throat feels like a Turkish wrestler's jock strap.
Blimey! You're right at that.
Listen, why wait till the reception? We can crack a tube now.
Ah, great, mate, a six-pack of Frank Hexton's Export.
Better than that, mate, it's a three-pack of Frank Hexton's new Double Barrel, brewed and sealed in a great new twin tin to give you twice the beer, twice the flavour, twice the satisfaction.
What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.
(# Slinky jazz) (Man) Some things are just too delicious to keep covered up.
Discover for yourself the sensuous experience of Grootengeld's new collection of alabaster truffles.
Luscious pockets of Armagnac liqueur smoothly frosted with a crunchy coating of creamy white Belgian chocolate.
For those with exquisite taste, there's no more (Man) on BBC2, Newsnight.
(# Newsnight theme) Excuse me.
I don't think we're interested in all that propaganda, are we? Not when we can watch something true to life.
(Baby gurgles on TV) (Man) Charlie Chubby Chops is the cute little baby she just won't be able to put down, so realistic from head to toe Bye.
Bye.
When I finally left the hospital to go home, I realised there was nothing out there now to be afraid of.
For the first time in my life, I was at peace with the world.
(Sniffs) Godfrey! What are you doing? Just freshening up the dishes, dear, for when Ron and Beryl come round.
I don't believe this.
Nor can nine out of ten mums, yet feel how gentle it is, and so kind to my hands too.
(Godfrey) It was as if an almighty guiding hand was steering my life for me Ah Smell that, Ron.
It's a real treat.
Go on.
and at last, I was able to cope with all those little day-to-day problems, like being maimed for life in a horrific car crash three days after leaving hospital.
(Doctor) As far as we can gather, Mrs Spry, he was test-driving a new Calabria 3000 fuel-injection hatchback along the top of a cliff at sunset, seeing if he could get from 0-60 in five seconds.
The top of a cliff at sunset? Where on earth would he get a dangerous idea like that from? (Godfrey) Although I got over the accident in no time at all, something about it seemed to upset Josie and for weeks afterwards, I had no end of trouble trying to cheer her up.
Then, one day, manna from heaven arrived in the form of a unique personal offer of a cut-price holiday for two in Hamburg.
With an up-and-coming travel firm based in Willesden High Street.
Look, there you are.
Although she was at first reluctant, in the end, I twisted her arm and we had a splendid two weeks away from it all, marred only by our final evening at the hotel, when she popped out for a packet of cough sweets and was stoned to death by a mob of drunken soccer fans.
It's no exaggeration to say I felt alone and completely helpless, and the only person I could think of contacting was my nephew, Gordon, whom I hadn't seen or spoken to for 11 1/2 years.
That was delicious.
What's for pudding? Gordon, how do you feel about a baby? Well Not sure I could manage a whole one.
I'll just have the dummy with a bit of cream.
I suppose the government are right to stage a separate sell-off for the sewage industry.
It's no worse than cabinet ministers publishing their memoirs, but you'd think they'd come up with a better slogan for it than, "Your chance to buy shares in shit.
" - It doesn't say that.
- Yes, it does.
It does actually say that, under a photo of Virginia Bottomley grinning through a lavatory seat.
It's not too late for us to have another one.
It's three days now.
I just can't believe he's not up there any more.
Oh Remember when I took this picture of them playing in the nursery? You used to joke about taking them out with a Patriot missile.
(Gordon) I was joking, was I? I mean, for God's sake, Muriel, he's 18.
Another three years, he'll be able to make his own bed and everything.
It's not as if you're never going to see him again.
People have been known to leave Aston Polytechnic alive.
This stuff is absolute crap.
I don't know why the hell you buy it.
It doesn't seem five minutes since he was sucking on my nipple.
Yes, well, all men grow out of that the same as I will.
I mean, you've got to look on it positively.
We've got a bit of time and space to ourselves again now.
Think about that.
The Guildford Four had it easy.
Perhaps I'll just pop up to the nursery, turn back the bedclothes.
Yeah, best to keep them aired.
18 years, and she still calls it the nursery.
Oh, bugger this bloody stuff! (Phone rings) Hello? Yeah, speaking.
Who's th Uncle Godfrey! How are you? Oh, how nice to hear from you after all these years! Yes, I know.
No.
11 1/2 years.
So, where are you? Hamburg? Oh, lucky old thing.
Having a nice time? What are you doing out there? Hmm Oh, lovely.
Yeah.
Sorry? The Willesden Trailblazers? No, I don't think I have.
No.
No.
So how Yeah.
How's Auntie Josie these days? She all right? 11 1/2 years.
I'm not sure I'm going to recognise him when we get to the airport.
That's all right.
I thought we could stand at the barrier and hold this up.
I mean, really, who in their right minds books a package tour to Hamburg in the middle of the European Cup Winners' Cup? You'd think he could have picked a time when it was a bit quieter there, like during the Allied bombing campaign.
The flight's due in at 12:30.
Better get a move on.
Don't snip those off like that.
It leaves little T-shaped bits of plastic everywhere.
God knows what state of shock the poor man must be in by now.
Can you imagine? I picked three of these off the carpet yesterday.
(Purser) Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to London Gatwick.
We thank you for flying British Continental Clipper and hope we may have the pleasure of your company again soon.
(Godfrey) Yes.
I for one will certainly choose British Continental Clipper for it's warm, friendly in-flight service that even other airlines envy.
(Purser) Thank you, sir.
Could I have that back, please? (Godfrey) With British Continental Clipper, it's plain to see (Purser) Sir, will you give that back, please? You must return to your seat, sir.
(PA) May I have your attention, please? Would Mr Mortimer contact the airport information desk? Well? She said arrangements were made to bring Auntie Josie's body back by air freight, but But what? Apparently, there's been some unavoidable rerouting due to a work-to-rule by ground staff.
What sort of work-to-rule? (PA) May I have your attention please? Passengers are reminded not to leave baggage unattended.
Any items of baggage found in or around the terminal building will be removed by Security Section.
She She She looks well otherwise.
I mean, apart from being d I mean, she looks as if the holiday's done her a bit of good.
- I'll make a cup of tea, shall I? - Yes, why don't you do that, Gordon? You'll stay for one, won't you, Uncle? Yes.
You'll find a packet of Twinsel's twin-action tea bags in my suitcase.
Their special binary perforations allow more of the flavour to seep through for that richer, more refreshing-tasting cuppa.
Just the thing to cheer up your day when your when your wife's dead.
Now, this is the two of us in the mountains with the couple from the hotel room next to ours, who, by coincidence, also live next door to us at home as well.
That's one of the local villagers being brutally beaten up by the police.
Ooh, that's lovely.
The colours have come out really well, haven't they, Gordon? Yes.
Um Uncle Godfrey, don't think I'm trying to hurry you home.
You know you can stay here as long as you like.
It's just I know sometimes people like to be left alone after something like this, with their memories.
I often think it can be a big mistake to leave it too long before you go back to face those painful things, like the empty house and everything.
It's like getting straight back behind the wheel of a car after a rather nasty road accident.
- Do you know what I mean? - Yes.
Yes.
That's very kind of you, Gordon.
I would like to stay on for a few nights, if that's all right, just till I'm over the worst.
- If you're sure it's no trouble.
- Don't be silly.
Of course not.
I'll go and make up the bed in the nursery in Peter's old room for you.
So, what a terrible, terrible affair this all is, to be sure.
You er want to make sure everything's sorted out properly as well, you know, things like the insurance for a start.
Oh, yes.
Good point.
I'd quite forgotten.
That L50,000 should just about cover the losses.
Good, cos you know what these insurance companies are like.
Losses? What losses? It was one of those things, I'm afraid, Gordon.
We were having breakfast outside this little coffee shop one day.
Josie had gone off to buy an ice cream.
I forget now if it was vanilla or pineapple, and I was left I tell a lie.
It was coconut.
and then she Or was it banana? - Yes, I think it was, because I - Yes, and what happened? Well, this chap came up to me, such a nice, smart young man, and asked me if I was interested in buying a luxury time share apartment in northern Spain.
Oh, Jesus.
It was too good a chance to miss, Gordon, and by a lucky fluke, I'd got my chequebook in the top pocket of my sports jacket, so I was able to snap it up there and then, a splendid three-bedroomed apartment for only 45,000.
Three days later, we heard it had been blown up by Basque separatists.
Funny how these things work out, isn't it? Ah, now, there we are.
Does that look like banana to you? Or raspberry ripple? For those who believe in Christ Jesus, there is the certainty of life everlasting.
(Munching) And we know that the spirit of our dear, departed (Munching) Josie Edna Spry is now at one with the Holy Spirit (Munching) as we shall all surely be on the hour of our death, thanks to the forgiveness of God.
Yes, the service did go well, didn't it? Thanks, and thanks so much for coming all the way from from next door.
Thanks.
Bye-bye.
Well, I suppose we'd better be making a move too, Uncle.
I thought it all went very well, don't you? And er We'd better be getting along.
So, you you'll be all right here on your own, won't you? Are these new extra-creamy Golland and Whackison's oatmeal delights? Um yes.
Yes, they're Golland and oatmeal Whackisons.
- Got your gloves? - Yeah.
- I thought it all went very well.
Didn't you? - Yes.
We really must do it again sometime.
Muriel.
I suppose he will be OK there now.
It's the thought of him rattling about in that house for the rest of his days all on his own.
And this is the kitchen, comprising worktops and power points and affording ample potential for the DIY enthusiast.
An ideal purchase for the first-time buyer.
As I say, ordinarily, I would just have stayed on here as I am, but unfortunately, what I really need now is an atrium.
- An atrium? - Yes, please.
A big, glass-domed one like Rupert Everett's, preferably south-facing, which would be ideal for housing a priceless collection of jade pottery.
- Oh, you collect jade? - Any day now, yes.
Well, we do have a number of exclusive properties in the Fulham area.
There's this one, a very fashionable two-bedroom garden flat at 9995.
What, L999,500? That's practically a million if you think about it.
It's very reasonably-priced.
Oh, is it? Oh, good.
I'll have that one, then, please.
- Wouldn't you like to have a look at it first? - Can I? You have a property to sell, I take it? I've just sold my present house for 40,000.
- L40,000? - Yes.
There'll be no trouble getting a mortgage.
I'm with a very friendly bank.
# If you want a set of wheels or you want to buy a meal, get real # Ooh, yeah # At the place where it's ace, they got a smiling face # At the Westward Bank # You can borrow what you like, cos it's never very hard # You can get a bunch of fivers or some tenners with a card # If you want to get wed, if you need some new threads # If you've just run out of bread # Like I said, it doesn't matter where you're at # If you're skinny or you're fat # Ladies # You can pop in for a natter or a chat with a chap # You can rap with the cats # At the bank, it's a breeze # It's an easy little wheeze at the Westward, at the bank # Check it outl # (Phone rings) Hello.
Westward Bank.
(Drilling) I can't hear you.
The computer's down.
(Sawing) (Creaking) (Hammering and sawing) (Godfrey) It's um so I can buy a new house.
Yes.
- It's a very reasonable sum of money actually.
- Yes.
You're one of those banks that's always saying yes.
Yes.
You're not a young man, are you, Mr Spry? I'll be 66 in September.
And your wife, Mrs Josie Spry, is? I'm afraid my wife was rather tragically killed while we were on holiday.
Oh, dear.
Here's a card, expressing the bank's condolences.
Thank you.
Well, a million pounds.
That's a nice round number, isn't it, Mr Spry? - I suppose it is really.
- As, of course, is the figure nought.
Now, a little test.
I wonder if you can guess which of those two sums of money my bank is prepared to lend you.
Oh Which? We've come to see Mr Godfrey Spry.
I I understand he's in D Block.
Take your eyes off him for one minute, and this happens.
The floor's very bare.
Prisons aren't noted for their fluffy carpets.
Is this it? All right.
- Thank you.
- Oh, thank you very much.
- Hello? - Uncle Godfrey, is that you? Muriell Shan't be a second.
OK.
(Clicking) (Rattling) (Clanking) Sorry about that.
A lot of thieves around here apparently.
Come on in.
So, what do you think? Well, it's er I don't know what to say.
It's It's nice.
It's It's very nice.
They've done a splendid job on them.
There's no doubt about it.
Structurally, old prisons are ideally suited for flat conversions apparently.
Hard to believe, isn't it, that this floor alone once housed 63 cells, filled with murderers, child molesters and rapists? Now it's just me and four merchant bankers.
And it's only 18 minutes from the City on foot.
Well, that's very handy for you.
You've got a lovely view over the courtyard, all the little flower beds and the the hangman's gibbet.
Yes.
I thought that was a nice touch.
It's not the original of course, just a fibreglass replica for atmosphere.
We all pay for it collectively through the ground rent.
Yes.
Uncle Godfrey, I hope you don't think we're being nosey, but I know what you're going to say, Gordon, and it's really all very simple.
I was reading an article recently in Campaign, and I suddenly realised that my big mistake was that I was in the wrong consumer category.
I beg your pardon? I was stuck in Class E, what's technically known as a need-directed unachiever with zero purchasing power, which is why bank managers and estate agents and people never took me seriously.
But now, by going upwardly mobile to become an A/B emulator-achiever, I become a force to be reckoned with.
As far as I can gather, it's all basically to do with the size of your kitchen and what dog food you buy.
So you've bought a dog as well, have you? No, no, just the food.
So you've sold your house in Stanley Street? Yes.
I ended up L10,000 in pocket after the sale, which very conveniently was just enough for two months' advance rent on this place.
So now you've got nothing left? No money at all of any kind? That's the beauty of it, Gordon.
The way it's worked out, I now have a totally disposable income.
(Gunfire on TV) (Gordon) I don't know how you can take it so calmly.
The man has just sold the home he's spent the whole of his working life struggling to pay for to spend two months in a former death cell furnished by Terrence Conran.
What happens when the two months are up? He'll be out on his ear.
I don't know what could have possessed him.
He was perfectly happy in that home.
Yeah, but it wasn't a big, trendy designer warehouse, was it, and therefore not fit for human habitation.
Look, there you are, the girl who eats Trimlett's low-calorie jellies, she lives in a flat that looks like a warehouse.
So do the Whippy's powdered milk family.
Everywhere they show you looks like warehouse, except Imperial Carpets' warehouses.
They look like somebody's flat.
Try not to get worked up.
It only aggravates your eczema.
coal and zinc this morning.
I don't know about you.
I nearly blew it.
Yes.
James was saying the meltdown will probably get worse, what with your share index crashing like that.
- I can't see it bottoming out before Christmas.
- Evening, Mr Clegg.
Mr Spry, how are you? Settling in all right? - Marvellously, thank you.
- Good.
- I was saying to James on the telephone - I see prices are down in the market today.
Sorry? Oh, yes.
Duncan and I were just saying.
- Closed today at what? - Closed at five-thirty.
Five-thirty? Was it as low as that? I was just on the phone.
- Yes.
I've just come back from there myself.
- Really? I didn't know you dabbled in Oh, yes.
I've just bought a large steak in Sainsbury's.
- Really? You think that's a good idea? - Oh, yes.
It's one of the best buys around, along with Golland and Whackison's biscuits and Pan Gloss, the polish people.
- Pan Gloss Polishes? - What do you know about them? Only that you clean up in less time than you ever thought possible.
Try it tomorrow.
The results will amaze you.
Er yes.
Well, I'm not sure it's exactly what he's been used to.
It's er It's compact, isn't it? Yet you've decorated it very cunningly to give quite a feeling of space.
I mean it's I'm most impressed.
- Space? - Yes.
I mean, it's really quite roomy.
(Smashing crockery) - Is this damp on the walls here? - The location's excellent.
It's very handy for the er the bus stop.
Would you excuse us for just a second? How could we put Uncle Godfrey in here? It's like a soggy shoe box.
Well, for 50 quid a week, what choice have we got? It's tiny.
Well, he doesn't move around much.
You know what she said.
If we don't make our minds up soon, it'll be too late.
Sorry, it's let.
(Phone rings) Hello? Agnes! It's Jimmy, ringing to say happy anniversary, from Kuala Lumpur.
(Man) Wherever you are, whoever you are, it's a small world when you make a phone call to someone you love.
National Telephones Network of state-of-the-art satellites span the globe day and night to make the subscriber long-distance phone call a luxury you can afford.
Today, you can dial direct to anyone almost anywhere in the world.
Isn't it time you rang someone far away? Why not call Australia or New York today? - Goodbye, then.
- Someone is waiting for your call.
Australia (Ringing tone) - (Man) Hello? - Hello.
- Hello? - Is that Australia? - What? - Is that someone in Australia? - Who the bloody hell is this? - Godfrey.
Godfrey Spry.
- Do I know you? - No.
I'm calling from London.
Easy, isn't it? Piss offl Hello? Lovely, then, Mrs Dyson.
Yes.
Yes, I'll be round about six o'clock, if that's OK, then.
Yes, I'll look forward to it.
I'll see you then.
Bye.
Bloody hell! Excuse me! Look! What the hell is all this? Will you just stop shoving this trash through my letterbox every week? This is the property supplement, the DIY supplement and the motoring supplement.
Yes, I know.
I don't care.
I just don't want it! My dustbin's already Look, you! Stop there! Just get the hell out of there! - Gordon? - Go on, just get out! I don't know why you don't just come round and urinate on my windows! - It would give me something else to clear up! - Gordon! Do you have to be so coarse in the street? I'm sick to death of the bloody things! - You off now? - Yes.
- You're going to tell him, aren't you? - Yes.
He can't stay there.
He hasn't got enough money.
This is the only solution.
You'll make sure it's all right for him, won't you? Nice and friendly and clean for him? From what I've heard, it's a paradise on earth.
Off you go.
See you later.
Bloody little bastards! (Godfrey) Josie would have loved this place, you know, Muriel.
I used to say to her, "When I come up on the pools, that's what I'll buy for our retirement, "a nice big house, nice big rooms, big kitchen.
" She always wanted a big kitchen.
Uncle, Gordon and I have been thinking a lot about you and and the future, now you're on your own and everything.
And I've made some really good friends here, you know, two very nice gentlemen.
- We get on like a house on fire.
- Oh, good.
Uncle, you're only going to be able to stay here for a few more weeks, and I I really think we should sort out what you're going to do after that, because And I keep myself active.
I never think of myself as old, Muriel.
I've got a lot to be thankful for, really, at my age, not like some poor old codgers, cooped up in a home somewhere.
That must be really terrible, to lose your independence like that.
Like another Oatmeal Delight? # Who wants to be a millionaire? (Listlessly) I don't.
# Have flashy flunkies everywhere? (All) I don't.
# Who wants the bother of a country estate? # A country estate (All) I don't.
# Who wants to wallow in champagne? # Oh! The bubbles go right up your nose, don't they? - Here's to you, Godfrey.
- To Godfrey.
So, you took my advice and bought Golland and Whackison's biscuits? Did we? They doubled overnight.
How did you find out about the Perimon Group's takeover? It was the best-kept secret in the City.
We're very wealthy men today thanks to you, Mr Spry.
Who would have thought it, eh? Golland and Whackison's biscuits? You must have come out with a packet yourself.
Two, as a matter of fact.
You must have some really hot sources, Godfrey.
I expect I have somewhere, yes.
Of course, I know the real reason you popped round to see me this evening.
- You do? - It's plain for all to see.
When neighbours call round unannounced, it's because they know I've discovered the secret.
- The secret? - Of Senor Pizzaro's coffee.
- My God! Are you serious? - How strong is this one? You won't find any stronger and you won't get any richer.
This man is Midas.
If his information's reliable I say we go for gold.
Godfrey, we're going to put everything into this one.
Oh, jolly good.
Milk and two sugars in mine, please.
I couldn't, Gordon.
I tried, but the words just wouldn't come out.
You went there specifically to tell him.
I mean, Jesus Christ When did you say he'd be moving in? What? When did you tell them he'd be arriving at the home? - We didn't pin it down to any specific date.
- What do you mean? They're expecting a couple of rooms to fall vacant over the next couple of weeks, so, as and when we wanted to.
Other residents moving out, you mean? Not moving out exactly.
Look, I couldn't do it either, all right? It was like a mortuary waiting room there.
It was all so unutterably depressing.
I just What? What? (Godfrey) The two months in my lovely new apartment seemed to positively whiz by.
But all good things must come to an end, and in no time at all, the bailiffs were arriving to turf me out onto the street.
And business news.
The devastating earthquake which last night rocked northern parts of Brazil and decimated the country's coffee plantations is expected to have far-reaching effects in the City.
London share prices have been virtually wiped out in many leading companies, including Norton Knox, Café Cabana and Senor Pizzaro, and traders who, last month (Godfrey) I never did see the two nice gentlemen again, as I gathered they'd become too rich to talk to me.
(Weeps) Perhaps they'd moved up into a new consumer category I didn't know about.
Once we were outside, I mentioned to the man in the bowler hat that I hadn't anywhere to live, but his official reply, "Tough titty, grandad," was too technical for me to understand.
But, of course, everything worked out all right in the end, as it always does, for, very shortly, I was back in the bosom of a warm, caring family, with all the love and affection that goes with it.
All in all, fate couldn't have been kinder to me.
It had taught me for the first time ever, how truly wonderful the world around us is, and everyone in it.
It had given a special meaning and deep sense of purpose to everything I did, and if I could be sure of nothing else, I could be sure of this much, that my life would never be quite the same again.
(Dog barks) (Muriel) Is anything the matter, Uncle? (Godfrey) Just counting my cavities, Muriel.
Do you know, I think I really do need fewer fillings.
(Muriel) Oh, good.
Well, good night, then.
(Godfrey) Good night, Muriel.
(Gordon) How's everything in the nursery this evening? (Muriel) I think he's settled down now.
(Gordon) Thank God for that.
(Muriel) Good night, darling.
(Gordon) Good night.
(TV) # P-p-pop into a post office # (Gordon screams) # I was walking along # Minding my business # When out of an orange-coloured sky # Flash, bam, alakazam # Wonderful you came by # I was humming a tune # Drinking in sunshine # When out of that orange-coloured view # Flash, bam, alakazam # I got a look at you # One look and I yelled "Timberl" #"Watch out for flying glass" # Cos the ceiling fell in and the bottom fell out # I went into a spin and I started to shout # I've been hit, this is it, this is it # I was walking along # Minding my business # When you came and hit me in the eye # Flash, bam, alakazam # Out of an orange-coloured # Purple-striped # Pretty little polka dot sky # Flash, bam, alakaza-aam # And goodbye #
I wonder if you can guess what it is I'm sitting on here now.
That's right, the threshold of the 21st century, a century that will almost certainly be filled with more civil wars, famine, ecological disasters and hideous global catastrophes than mankind has ever known, which makes you wonder, is there any reason to go on living? Well, the answer is, oh, yes indeed! Of course, there's not many people can see it, except me, but then I'm a little bit different to everyone else, because what makes me a little bit special is that I have seen the light.
It all began about six months ago now, outside our local post office on the corner of Torquemada Terrace and Inquisition Street.
I remember very clearly.
It was a Monday morning and there were one or two other people in front of me, although, of course, I couldn't tell you all their names and addresses.
The weather was dry and mild for the time of year, but otherwise unremarkable, which made the events that were to follow all the more startling, for, as I arrived there that day for my television licence stamp, I could little have imagined how my life would soon be changed beyond all recognition.
(Splattering) (Splattering) Looking back, I don't think miracle would be too strong a word for the impact that moment had on me.
Something intangible, which you couldn't quite describe, was about to hit me like a bolt from heaven.
(Crashing) (Distorted sirens) (Man) Get the car out of the wayl Get the ambulancel Such was the strength of this mystical force that I must have passed out in a paroxysm of joy, for the next thing I knew, I was lying in a hospital bed with my dear wife Josie close at hand.
What sort of mental abnormalities? Well, for one thing, an increasingly limited attention span.
He'll find it impossible to concentrate on anything for longer than about 30 seconds at a time.
Sometimes, the balance of mind becomes so disturbed, the patient ceases to be capable of what we call rational and discerning behaviour.
(Woman) If only my teapot smelt like Jean's.
Her dishes always look so zippy clean too.
I wonder what her secret is.
Your cups and saucers can smell zingy fresh too, Sally, when you use this.
New concentrated Gleemy with tangy pineapple fragrance? (Jean) With its special new aromatic formula, new Gleemy not only gets my dishes clean, it leaves them smelling clean too.
(Man) All at once, I was conscious of a blinding revelation, As if a sudden shaft of sunlight had illuminated my grey and dismal life.
(TV) # P-p-pop into a post office # And post away your problems with a smile (Man on TV) Make every day a red-letter day with a visit to your local post office.
(Man) Over the next ten weeks, although heavily sedated with a series of dangerous drugs, I found myself embarking on a wondrous new voyage of intellectual discovery.
(Vicar) sight of God and in the face of this congregation, to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony.
Jeez, I wish they'd get a move on.
My throat feels like a Turkish wrestler's jock strap.
Blimey! You're right at that.
Listen, why wait till the reception? We can crack a tube now.
Ah, great, mate, a six-pack of Frank Hexton's Export.
Better than that, mate, it's a three-pack of Frank Hexton's new Double Barrel, brewed and sealed in a great new twin tin to give you twice the beer, twice the flavour, twice the satisfaction.
What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.
(# Slinky jazz) (Man) Some things are just too delicious to keep covered up.
Discover for yourself the sensuous experience of Grootengeld's new collection of alabaster truffles.
Luscious pockets of Armagnac liqueur smoothly frosted with a crunchy coating of creamy white Belgian chocolate.
For those with exquisite taste, there's no more (Man) on BBC2, Newsnight.
(# Newsnight theme) Excuse me.
I don't think we're interested in all that propaganda, are we? Not when we can watch something true to life.
(Baby gurgles on TV) (Man) Charlie Chubby Chops is the cute little baby she just won't be able to put down, so realistic from head to toe Bye.
Bye.
When I finally left the hospital to go home, I realised there was nothing out there now to be afraid of.
For the first time in my life, I was at peace with the world.
(Sniffs) Godfrey! What are you doing? Just freshening up the dishes, dear, for when Ron and Beryl come round.
I don't believe this.
Nor can nine out of ten mums, yet feel how gentle it is, and so kind to my hands too.
(Godfrey) It was as if an almighty guiding hand was steering my life for me Ah Smell that, Ron.
It's a real treat.
Go on.
and at last, I was able to cope with all those little day-to-day problems, like being maimed for life in a horrific car crash three days after leaving hospital.
(Doctor) As far as we can gather, Mrs Spry, he was test-driving a new Calabria 3000 fuel-injection hatchback along the top of a cliff at sunset, seeing if he could get from 0-60 in five seconds.
The top of a cliff at sunset? Where on earth would he get a dangerous idea like that from? (Godfrey) Although I got over the accident in no time at all, something about it seemed to upset Josie and for weeks afterwards, I had no end of trouble trying to cheer her up.
Then, one day, manna from heaven arrived in the form of a unique personal offer of a cut-price holiday for two in Hamburg.
With an up-and-coming travel firm based in Willesden High Street.
Look, there you are.
Although she was at first reluctant, in the end, I twisted her arm and we had a splendid two weeks away from it all, marred only by our final evening at the hotel, when she popped out for a packet of cough sweets and was stoned to death by a mob of drunken soccer fans.
It's no exaggeration to say I felt alone and completely helpless, and the only person I could think of contacting was my nephew, Gordon, whom I hadn't seen or spoken to for 11 1/2 years.
That was delicious.
What's for pudding? Gordon, how do you feel about a baby? Well Not sure I could manage a whole one.
I'll just have the dummy with a bit of cream.
I suppose the government are right to stage a separate sell-off for the sewage industry.
It's no worse than cabinet ministers publishing their memoirs, but you'd think they'd come up with a better slogan for it than, "Your chance to buy shares in shit.
" - It doesn't say that.
- Yes, it does.
It does actually say that, under a photo of Virginia Bottomley grinning through a lavatory seat.
It's not too late for us to have another one.
It's three days now.
I just can't believe he's not up there any more.
Oh Remember when I took this picture of them playing in the nursery? You used to joke about taking them out with a Patriot missile.
(Gordon) I was joking, was I? I mean, for God's sake, Muriel, he's 18.
Another three years, he'll be able to make his own bed and everything.
It's not as if you're never going to see him again.
People have been known to leave Aston Polytechnic alive.
This stuff is absolute crap.
I don't know why the hell you buy it.
It doesn't seem five minutes since he was sucking on my nipple.
Yes, well, all men grow out of that the same as I will.
I mean, you've got to look on it positively.
We've got a bit of time and space to ourselves again now.
Think about that.
The Guildford Four had it easy.
Perhaps I'll just pop up to the nursery, turn back the bedclothes.
Yeah, best to keep them aired.
18 years, and she still calls it the nursery.
Oh, bugger this bloody stuff! (Phone rings) Hello? Yeah, speaking.
Who's th Uncle Godfrey! How are you? Oh, how nice to hear from you after all these years! Yes, I know.
No.
11 1/2 years.
So, where are you? Hamburg? Oh, lucky old thing.
Having a nice time? What are you doing out there? Hmm Oh, lovely.
Yeah.
Sorry? The Willesden Trailblazers? No, I don't think I have.
No.
No.
So how Yeah.
How's Auntie Josie these days? She all right? 11 1/2 years.
I'm not sure I'm going to recognise him when we get to the airport.
That's all right.
I thought we could stand at the barrier and hold this up.
I mean, really, who in their right minds books a package tour to Hamburg in the middle of the European Cup Winners' Cup? You'd think he could have picked a time when it was a bit quieter there, like during the Allied bombing campaign.
The flight's due in at 12:30.
Better get a move on.
Don't snip those off like that.
It leaves little T-shaped bits of plastic everywhere.
God knows what state of shock the poor man must be in by now.
Can you imagine? I picked three of these off the carpet yesterday.
(Purser) Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to London Gatwick.
We thank you for flying British Continental Clipper and hope we may have the pleasure of your company again soon.
(Godfrey) Yes.
I for one will certainly choose British Continental Clipper for it's warm, friendly in-flight service that even other airlines envy.
(Purser) Thank you, sir.
Could I have that back, please? (Godfrey) With British Continental Clipper, it's plain to see (Purser) Sir, will you give that back, please? You must return to your seat, sir.
(PA) May I have your attention, please? Would Mr Mortimer contact the airport information desk? Well? She said arrangements were made to bring Auntie Josie's body back by air freight, but But what? Apparently, there's been some unavoidable rerouting due to a work-to-rule by ground staff.
What sort of work-to-rule? (PA) May I have your attention please? Passengers are reminded not to leave baggage unattended.
Any items of baggage found in or around the terminal building will be removed by Security Section.
She She She looks well otherwise.
I mean, apart from being d I mean, she looks as if the holiday's done her a bit of good.
- I'll make a cup of tea, shall I? - Yes, why don't you do that, Gordon? You'll stay for one, won't you, Uncle? Yes.
You'll find a packet of Twinsel's twin-action tea bags in my suitcase.
Their special binary perforations allow more of the flavour to seep through for that richer, more refreshing-tasting cuppa.
Just the thing to cheer up your day when your when your wife's dead.
Now, this is the two of us in the mountains with the couple from the hotel room next to ours, who, by coincidence, also live next door to us at home as well.
That's one of the local villagers being brutally beaten up by the police.
Ooh, that's lovely.
The colours have come out really well, haven't they, Gordon? Yes.
Um Uncle Godfrey, don't think I'm trying to hurry you home.
You know you can stay here as long as you like.
It's just I know sometimes people like to be left alone after something like this, with their memories.
I often think it can be a big mistake to leave it too long before you go back to face those painful things, like the empty house and everything.
It's like getting straight back behind the wheel of a car after a rather nasty road accident.
- Do you know what I mean? - Yes.
Yes.
That's very kind of you, Gordon.
I would like to stay on for a few nights, if that's all right, just till I'm over the worst.
- If you're sure it's no trouble.
- Don't be silly.
Of course not.
I'll go and make up the bed in the nursery in Peter's old room for you.
So, what a terrible, terrible affair this all is, to be sure.
You er want to make sure everything's sorted out properly as well, you know, things like the insurance for a start.
Oh, yes.
Good point.
I'd quite forgotten.
That L50,000 should just about cover the losses.
Good, cos you know what these insurance companies are like.
Losses? What losses? It was one of those things, I'm afraid, Gordon.
We were having breakfast outside this little coffee shop one day.
Josie had gone off to buy an ice cream.
I forget now if it was vanilla or pineapple, and I was left I tell a lie.
It was coconut.
and then she Or was it banana? - Yes, I think it was, because I - Yes, and what happened? Well, this chap came up to me, such a nice, smart young man, and asked me if I was interested in buying a luxury time share apartment in northern Spain.
Oh, Jesus.
It was too good a chance to miss, Gordon, and by a lucky fluke, I'd got my chequebook in the top pocket of my sports jacket, so I was able to snap it up there and then, a splendid three-bedroomed apartment for only 45,000.
Three days later, we heard it had been blown up by Basque separatists.
Funny how these things work out, isn't it? Ah, now, there we are.
Does that look like banana to you? Or raspberry ripple? For those who believe in Christ Jesus, there is the certainty of life everlasting.
(Munching) And we know that the spirit of our dear, departed (Munching) Josie Edna Spry is now at one with the Holy Spirit (Munching) as we shall all surely be on the hour of our death, thanks to the forgiveness of God.
Yes, the service did go well, didn't it? Thanks, and thanks so much for coming all the way from from next door.
Thanks.
Bye-bye.
Well, I suppose we'd better be making a move too, Uncle.
I thought it all went very well, don't you? And er We'd better be getting along.
So, you you'll be all right here on your own, won't you? Are these new extra-creamy Golland and Whackison's oatmeal delights? Um yes.
Yes, they're Golland and oatmeal Whackisons.
- Got your gloves? - Yeah.
- I thought it all went very well.
Didn't you? - Yes.
We really must do it again sometime.
Muriel.
I suppose he will be OK there now.
It's the thought of him rattling about in that house for the rest of his days all on his own.
And this is the kitchen, comprising worktops and power points and affording ample potential for the DIY enthusiast.
An ideal purchase for the first-time buyer.
As I say, ordinarily, I would just have stayed on here as I am, but unfortunately, what I really need now is an atrium.
- An atrium? - Yes, please.
A big, glass-domed one like Rupert Everett's, preferably south-facing, which would be ideal for housing a priceless collection of jade pottery.
- Oh, you collect jade? - Any day now, yes.
Well, we do have a number of exclusive properties in the Fulham area.
There's this one, a very fashionable two-bedroom garden flat at 9995.
What, L999,500? That's practically a million if you think about it.
It's very reasonably-priced.
Oh, is it? Oh, good.
I'll have that one, then, please.
- Wouldn't you like to have a look at it first? - Can I? You have a property to sell, I take it? I've just sold my present house for 40,000.
- L40,000? - Yes.
There'll be no trouble getting a mortgage.
I'm with a very friendly bank.
# If you want a set of wheels or you want to buy a meal, get real # Ooh, yeah # At the place where it's ace, they got a smiling face # At the Westward Bank # You can borrow what you like, cos it's never very hard # You can get a bunch of fivers or some tenners with a card # If you want to get wed, if you need some new threads # If you've just run out of bread # Like I said, it doesn't matter where you're at # If you're skinny or you're fat # Ladies # You can pop in for a natter or a chat with a chap # You can rap with the cats # At the bank, it's a breeze # It's an easy little wheeze at the Westward, at the bank # Check it outl # (Phone rings) Hello.
Westward Bank.
(Drilling) I can't hear you.
The computer's down.
(Sawing) (Creaking) (Hammering and sawing) (Godfrey) It's um so I can buy a new house.
Yes.
- It's a very reasonable sum of money actually.
- Yes.
You're one of those banks that's always saying yes.
Yes.
You're not a young man, are you, Mr Spry? I'll be 66 in September.
And your wife, Mrs Josie Spry, is? I'm afraid my wife was rather tragically killed while we were on holiday.
Oh, dear.
Here's a card, expressing the bank's condolences.
Thank you.
Well, a million pounds.
That's a nice round number, isn't it, Mr Spry? - I suppose it is really.
- As, of course, is the figure nought.
Now, a little test.
I wonder if you can guess which of those two sums of money my bank is prepared to lend you.
Oh Which? We've come to see Mr Godfrey Spry.
I I understand he's in D Block.
Take your eyes off him for one minute, and this happens.
The floor's very bare.
Prisons aren't noted for their fluffy carpets.
Is this it? All right.
- Thank you.
- Oh, thank you very much.
- Hello? - Uncle Godfrey, is that you? Muriell Shan't be a second.
OK.
(Clicking) (Rattling) (Clanking) Sorry about that.
A lot of thieves around here apparently.
Come on in.
So, what do you think? Well, it's er I don't know what to say.
It's It's nice.
It's It's very nice.
They've done a splendid job on them.
There's no doubt about it.
Structurally, old prisons are ideally suited for flat conversions apparently.
Hard to believe, isn't it, that this floor alone once housed 63 cells, filled with murderers, child molesters and rapists? Now it's just me and four merchant bankers.
And it's only 18 minutes from the City on foot.
Well, that's very handy for you.
You've got a lovely view over the courtyard, all the little flower beds and the the hangman's gibbet.
Yes.
I thought that was a nice touch.
It's not the original of course, just a fibreglass replica for atmosphere.
We all pay for it collectively through the ground rent.
Yes.
Uncle Godfrey, I hope you don't think we're being nosey, but I know what you're going to say, Gordon, and it's really all very simple.
I was reading an article recently in Campaign, and I suddenly realised that my big mistake was that I was in the wrong consumer category.
I beg your pardon? I was stuck in Class E, what's technically known as a need-directed unachiever with zero purchasing power, which is why bank managers and estate agents and people never took me seriously.
But now, by going upwardly mobile to become an A/B emulator-achiever, I become a force to be reckoned with.
As far as I can gather, it's all basically to do with the size of your kitchen and what dog food you buy.
So you've bought a dog as well, have you? No, no, just the food.
So you've sold your house in Stanley Street? Yes.
I ended up L10,000 in pocket after the sale, which very conveniently was just enough for two months' advance rent on this place.
So now you've got nothing left? No money at all of any kind? That's the beauty of it, Gordon.
The way it's worked out, I now have a totally disposable income.
(Gunfire on TV) (Gordon) I don't know how you can take it so calmly.
The man has just sold the home he's spent the whole of his working life struggling to pay for to spend two months in a former death cell furnished by Terrence Conran.
What happens when the two months are up? He'll be out on his ear.
I don't know what could have possessed him.
He was perfectly happy in that home.
Yeah, but it wasn't a big, trendy designer warehouse, was it, and therefore not fit for human habitation.
Look, there you are, the girl who eats Trimlett's low-calorie jellies, she lives in a flat that looks like a warehouse.
So do the Whippy's powdered milk family.
Everywhere they show you looks like warehouse, except Imperial Carpets' warehouses.
They look like somebody's flat.
Try not to get worked up.
It only aggravates your eczema.
coal and zinc this morning.
I don't know about you.
I nearly blew it.
Yes.
James was saying the meltdown will probably get worse, what with your share index crashing like that.
- I can't see it bottoming out before Christmas.
- Evening, Mr Clegg.
Mr Spry, how are you? Settling in all right? - Marvellously, thank you.
- Good.
- I was saying to James on the telephone - I see prices are down in the market today.
Sorry? Oh, yes.
Duncan and I were just saying.
- Closed today at what? - Closed at five-thirty.
Five-thirty? Was it as low as that? I was just on the phone.
- Yes.
I've just come back from there myself.
- Really? I didn't know you dabbled in Oh, yes.
I've just bought a large steak in Sainsbury's.
- Really? You think that's a good idea? - Oh, yes.
It's one of the best buys around, along with Golland and Whackison's biscuits and Pan Gloss, the polish people.
- Pan Gloss Polishes? - What do you know about them? Only that you clean up in less time than you ever thought possible.
Try it tomorrow.
The results will amaze you.
Er yes.
Well, I'm not sure it's exactly what he's been used to.
It's er It's compact, isn't it? Yet you've decorated it very cunningly to give quite a feeling of space.
I mean it's I'm most impressed.
- Space? - Yes.
I mean, it's really quite roomy.
(Smashing crockery) - Is this damp on the walls here? - The location's excellent.
It's very handy for the er the bus stop.
Would you excuse us for just a second? How could we put Uncle Godfrey in here? It's like a soggy shoe box.
Well, for 50 quid a week, what choice have we got? It's tiny.
Well, he doesn't move around much.
You know what she said.
If we don't make our minds up soon, it'll be too late.
Sorry, it's let.
(Phone rings) Hello? Agnes! It's Jimmy, ringing to say happy anniversary, from Kuala Lumpur.
(Man) Wherever you are, whoever you are, it's a small world when you make a phone call to someone you love.
National Telephones Network of state-of-the-art satellites span the globe day and night to make the subscriber long-distance phone call a luxury you can afford.
Today, you can dial direct to anyone almost anywhere in the world.
Isn't it time you rang someone far away? Why not call Australia or New York today? - Goodbye, then.
- Someone is waiting for your call.
Australia (Ringing tone) - (Man) Hello? - Hello.
- Hello? - Is that Australia? - What? - Is that someone in Australia? - Who the bloody hell is this? - Godfrey.
Godfrey Spry.
- Do I know you? - No.
I'm calling from London.
Easy, isn't it? Piss offl Hello? Lovely, then, Mrs Dyson.
Yes.
Yes, I'll be round about six o'clock, if that's OK, then.
Yes, I'll look forward to it.
I'll see you then.
Bye.
Bloody hell! Excuse me! Look! What the hell is all this? Will you just stop shoving this trash through my letterbox every week? This is the property supplement, the DIY supplement and the motoring supplement.
Yes, I know.
I don't care.
I just don't want it! My dustbin's already Look, you! Stop there! Just get the hell out of there! - Gordon? - Go on, just get out! I don't know why you don't just come round and urinate on my windows! - It would give me something else to clear up! - Gordon! Do you have to be so coarse in the street? I'm sick to death of the bloody things! - You off now? - Yes.
- You're going to tell him, aren't you? - Yes.
He can't stay there.
He hasn't got enough money.
This is the only solution.
You'll make sure it's all right for him, won't you? Nice and friendly and clean for him? From what I've heard, it's a paradise on earth.
Off you go.
See you later.
Bloody little bastards! (Godfrey) Josie would have loved this place, you know, Muriel.
I used to say to her, "When I come up on the pools, that's what I'll buy for our retirement, "a nice big house, nice big rooms, big kitchen.
" She always wanted a big kitchen.
Uncle, Gordon and I have been thinking a lot about you and and the future, now you're on your own and everything.
And I've made some really good friends here, you know, two very nice gentlemen.
- We get on like a house on fire.
- Oh, good.
Uncle, you're only going to be able to stay here for a few more weeks, and I I really think we should sort out what you're going to do after that, because And I keep myself active.
I never think of myself as old, Muriel.
I've got a lot to be thankful for, really, at my age, not like some poor old codgers, cooped up in a home somewhere.
That must be really terrible, to lose your independence like that.
Like another Oatmeal Delight? # Who wants to be a millionaire? (Listlessly) I don't.
# Have flashy flunkies everywhere? (All) I don't.
# Who wants the bother of a country estate? # A country estate (All) I don't.
# Who wants to wallow in champagne? # Oh! The bubbles go right up your nose, don't they? - Here's to you, Godfrey.
- To Godfrey.
So, you took my advice and bought Golland and Whackison's biscuits? Did we? They doubled overnight.
How did you find out about the Perimon Group's takeover? It was the best-kept secret in the City.
We're very wealthy men today thanks to you, Mr Spry.
Who would have thought it, eh? Golland and Whackison's biscuits? You must have come out with a packet yourself.
Two, as a matter of fact.
You must have some really hot sources, Godfrey.
I expect I have somewhere, yes.
Of course, I know the real reason you popped round to see me this evening.
- You do? - It's plain for all to see.
When neighbours call round unannounced, it's because they know I've discovered the secret.
- The secret? - Of Senor Pizzaro's coffee.
- My God! Are you serious? - How strong is this one? You won't find any stronger and you won't get any richer.
This man is Midas.
If his information's reliable I say we go for gold.
Godfrey, we're going to put everything into this one.
Oh, jolly good.
Milk and two sugars in mine, please.
I couldn't, Gordon.
I tried, but the words just wouldn't come out.
You went there specifically to tell him.
I mean, Jesus Christ When did you say he'd be moving in? What? When did you tell them he'd be arriving at the home? - We didn't pin it down to any specific date.
- What do you mean? They're expecting a couple of rooms to fall vacant over the next couple of weeks, so, as and when we wanted to.
Other residents moving out, you mean? Not moving out exactly.
Look, I couldn't do it either, all right? It was like a mortuary waiting room there.
It was all so unutterably depressing.
I just What? What? (Godfrey) The two months in my lovely new apartment seemed to positively whiz by.
But all good things must come to an end, and in no time at all, the bailiffs were arriving to turf me out onto the street.
And business news.
The devastating earthquake which last night rocked northern parts of Brazil and decimated the country's coffee plantations is expected to have far-reaching effects in the City.
London share prices have been virtually wiped out in many leading companies, including Norton Knox, Café Cabana and Senor Pizzaro, and traders who, last month (Godfrey) I never did see the two nice gentlemen again, as I gathered they'd become too rich to talk to me.
(Weeps) Perhaps they'd moved up into a new consumer category I didn't know about.
Once we were outside, I mentioned to the man in the bowler hat that I hadn't anywhere to live, but his official reply, "Tough titty, grandad," was too technical for me to understand.
But, of course, everything worked out all right in the end, as it always does, for, very shortly, I was back in the bosom of a warm, caring family, with all the love and affection that goes with it.
All in all, fate couldn't have been kinder to me.
It had taught me for the first time ever, how truly wonderful the world around us is, and everyone in it.
It had given a special meaning and deep sense of purpose to everything I did, and if I could be sure of nothing else, I could be sure of this much, that my life would never be quite the same again.
(Dog barks) (Muriel) Is anything the matter, Uncle? (Godfrey) Just counting my cavities, Muriel.
Do you know, I think I really do need fewer fillings.
(Muriel) Oh, good.
Well, good night, then.
(Godfrey) Good night, Muriel.
(Gordon) How's everything in the nursery this evening? (Muriel) I think he's settled down now.
(Gordon) Thank God for that.
(Muriel) Good night, darling.
(Gordon) Good night.
(TV) # P-p-pop into a post office # (Gordon screams) # I was walking along # Minding my business # When out of an orange-coloured sky # Flash, bam, alakazam # Wonderful you came by # I was humming a tune # Drinking in sunshine # When out of that orange-coloured view # Flash, bam, alakazam # I got a look at you # One look and I yelled "Timberl" #"Watch out for flying glass" # Cos the ceiling fell in and the bottom fell out # I went into a spin and I started to shout # I've been hit, this is it, this is it # I was walking along # Minding my business # When you came and hit me in the eye # Flash, bam, alakazam # Out of an orange-coloured # Purple-striped # Pretty little polka dot sky # Flash, bam, alakaza-aam # And goodbye #