Imaginary Mary (2017) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1 Mary: This is Alice from way back.
Just a kid doing her best to ignore the implosion of her parents' marriage.
I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath Which is why she dreamed me up in her twisted, lonely little mind.
Agreed politely I guess that I forgot - What's up? - Who are you? I'm Mary, dummy.
And I'm here because I love you.
With my help, you're gonna kick life in the A-double-S! [Chuckles.]
That's a swear word.
I'll teach you a bunch.
- See Mommy? All sad and broken.
- [Crying.]
That will never be you, understand? Go on, say it out loud.
Say it.
[Whispering.]
That will never be me.
You're gonna be fierce and independent, and you will never rely on any boy.
Or girl.
Your haircut makes things confusing.
- Got it.
- Now, let's go smash something your daddy loves.
Even though Alice's parents were never there for her, I always was.
I'm glad your mom bailed again 'cause that means we can take the bus downtown to get our noses pierced.
Well, your nose.
I don't have one.
Didn't skimp on the butt, though.
Thanks for that.
Yep, I was turning that shy little girl into a kick-ass woman, which meant, over time, she needed me less and less.
It's happening.
Our first time.
Hey, don't be so boring! Flip the script and get on top! What the? No! No, no, no! 10 more minutes! No! No, no! You still need me! At least let me get a peek at his diiii I got the eye of the tiger Turns out, I had no reason to worry.
Thanks to me, Alice now owns her own business, travels the world, and is single like a fox.
That is, until this guy came in for a meeting.
And in 2015, I won a National Magazine Award - for my - Online dating profile.
- Kudos.
- Wha - [Computer beeping.]
- Clicking out.
Um "DivorcedRadDad"? Really? That'sour user ID? - [Keyboard clacking.]
- And we're frozen.
And pulling out the cord.
- And plenty of battery left.
- And we're done.
- We'll be in touch.
- Will you, though? No.
- [Telephone rings.]
- Know what? Since this is the worst interview in history, can we just go for broke? My dating profile's a mess.
You're a PR guru.
Can you fix this? Since it's everything a woman isn't looking for, let's dig in.
First, please, lose the Crocs and the braided belt.
Ben: That's casual Ben.
I'm casual.
You're cute.
Push the cute.
No Crocs, thinks I'm cute.
Got it.
Hey, what do you say we continue this work sesh over dinner? You do know I was out the moment I saw you had a kid, right? Then you're really out 'cause I have frickin' three, so let's just keep it professional.
If all goes well, you're gonna help me fall in love.
Sure, there was something very charming about DivorcedRadDad's complete lack of game.
But my girl knew how to hit it and quit it.
[Chuckles.]
I gave it three days.
I was wrong.
[Telephone rings, answering machine beeps.]
Andy: Dad? Pick up.
It's an emergency.
[Telephone beeps.]
Andy? What's up? There is a poll on our class Facebook page, "Most likely to grow up and be an accountant.
" I am leading.
- And it's a friggin' landslide! - I voted three times.
Daddy, I lost a tooth at Grandma's! Okay, guys, none of this is an emergency.
But I didn't get any money under my pillow, which means the tooth fairy is dead.
Or she's just a very busy fairy.
Okay, when are you gonna be here? Five seconds.
[Telephone beeps, clatters.]
- Put your pants on! - What's happening? - My kids are home.
- Who? - My children.
- Oh! Pants.
Pants.
Whoa! - Pants.
- Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Okay.
Okay.
- Yeah, we're on the second floor.
- Babe, you can do this.
You hang down, stick the landing.
We're really geed a new system to avoid your kids.
Yeah.
Or you meet 'em.
At worst, I'd break an ankle.
Okay, listen, the truth is I want you to meet them.
I want us to take the next step 'cause you are absolutely amazing, and I love you.
You got a halfy.
The emotional stuff gets me excited sometimes.
Oh, God, you're cute.
- Let's go for it! - Shut up.
- Huh? What? - Really? I mean, obviously, I have to talk to the kids, - make sure that they're down with it.
- Exactly, because they may not be, - even though I totally and completely am.
- [Door opens in distance.]
- Andy: Dad? - Dora: We're home! - Bunny: Why do we bury people? - [Door slams.]
I'm out.
Let me know how it goes.
Just like that, everything I taught her literally flew out the window.
Meeting his kids can only lead to heartbreak.
- Yeah! - And I cannot let that happen.
- Nailed it.
- Stuck it! Lucky for Alice, help is on the way.
Gather up.
Family pow wow time.
- I've got a big - Andy: I had the worst day.
I need attention now! Okay, where is this on the urgency scale, pal? Anything below a seven, you handle on your own.
This accountant thing? It's sticking.
Okay, that's a hard four, tops.
Kids, the scale only works - when we're honest with the numbers.
- All day, it was, "There goes the accountant!" and "Do my taxes, Holmes!" See, this is your whole problem.
Y-You need to be more like my boyfriend complicated, powerful, a rogue Jedi.
- Kylo Ren is not your boyfriend.
- Yet.
- [Andy and Dora yelling.]
- Guys? Guys? Guys! I'm dating a lady! Her name is Alice, and I'd love for you to meet her.
Okay, I can tell this is a lot, right? But you're really gonna like her.
She's a PR rep for sports stars, and she's cool and funny and sexy.
Which is not something you tell your children.
The point is, your dad is kind of nervous, okay? Does she have kids? No.
That's just it, Peanut.
She hasn't had all her coolness drained out of her the way you guys have done to me.
Boop! Uh, sorry, let me get this straight.
You're dating a woman whose whole job is to make someone look better than they actually are? Oh, this is perfect for me.
You can tell Alice no, tell A-dogg I'm in.
Kind of weird to already give her a nickname, but that's a yes.
- Who else? - Fine.
Not said with a lot of enthusiasm, but still a yes.
This is happening! - So this is happening.
- Totally happening.
Okay, let's do a rundown on the kids.
First, Andy he's the oldest.
He is very excited to meet you and will come on too strong, so we need some kind of a signal - in case he, like, corners you.
- Corners me? As for Dora, she's the classic middle child, Also, a big-time fangirl, so don't fake your way through a Harry Potter convo.
You will lose.
Then there's Bunny the little one.
Likes to ask a lot of philosophical questions about death.
Do not engage.
Table-side guac coming your way, señor.
iHola! Don't go loco on me, girl.
Mary's back to help.
[Gurgles, sniffs.]
What the Holy I know, how cool is this, right? They make it right at the table.
Kids? Huge step.
You're spinning out bad.
That's why you dug me out of your brain.
But don't worry.
We'll handle it together! This isn't happening.
- It's just an appetizer.
Are you okay? - He's onto you.
Pick up your phone like you have a work emergency! Work emergency.
Some public-relations guys need my help with some PR stuff.
I got to go.
Love you.
Bye.
Hasta luego, beardy.
Wait.
You're running from me? Okay, now you're just being rude.
No hug.
No kiss.
This is not how I raised you.
You're just in my head.
Go away.
Slow down! I can't keep up! Do not make me gorilla this.
Why'd you have to give me these damn stumpy legs? I cannot hear things that don't exist.
La la la la la la la [Out-of-tune guitar strumming.]
[Sighs.]
You are real.
Technically, imaginary, but to you, I'm real as hell and here to stay.
[Laughs.]
Look at us.
The besties are back.
My bestie is back.
Oh, my God.
You're back.
Which brings me to why I am here.
Ben.
He is so cute and kind, - and you have to run.
- What? Why? Look, Ben is a dad.
[Grunts.]
That means, if you're with him [Grunting.]
you're a mom.
And before you know it, you're gonna be at a wedding, and the "Macarena" is gonna blast, and you're gonna mom-dance, just like this.
I am a mom, and I do the Macarena Where is my minivan? Oh, I'll find it later Okay, I will never dance like that, but I am freaking out.
Let's get down and dirty.
Go.
It's, like, I don't know how to mom.
Don't know if I want to mom.
Don't know if a real mom would use "mom" as a verb.
We're in agreement.
You know nothing.
But I really love this guy.
I don't want to lose him.
Okay, my Mary advice you meet the kids, just not right now.
Listening.
Take two, three months to study up on these "children people.
" Learn all about them.
Could take a year, maybe more.
And the longer I put off meeting Ben's kids, the more I'm protecting our relationship.
Exactly.
You're blowing him off 'cause you care so damn much! See? This is why you're here.
Lucky for you, I got a plan.
Ta-da.
Adele tickets? That must've cost a fortune.
Hottest ticket in town.
Great way to meet your kids, right? Um, the concert's six months from now.
But worth the wait.
Look at the row number.
One.
Look, I get it.
You're meeting my kids.
It's scary, especially for you.
- [Knocking on glass.]
- He's onto us! Kick him in the nuts and run! [Grunts.]
Me? Scared of kids? I don't even hide when people bring them in here anymore.
I mean, I close my door, but that's just because I have a bowl of candy, and it's kind of like it's my candy.
All that matters is I love you, and we're in this together.
I'm scared, and the tickets were a stall.
Traitor! And look, if you want to wait, we can wait.
Promise.
I will love you no matter what.
Unh-unh.
Unh-unh.
Unh-unh.
Mnh-mnh.
And we're done.
Thank you.
That was disgusting.
You know what? You already talked to the kids.
- Let's do this.
[Groans.]
- Thank God.
Canceling would've been hard to explain.
They are super suspicious and awful with change.
- They sound great.
- So what should we do? - [Gasps.]
Disney World.
- We could fly to Disney World.
It's a big swing more of a huge vacation than a first meet.
- Gun range.
- Gun range! - Gotcha.
- What? is something a crazy person would suggest.
I meant to say burgers? Perfect.
And maybe some mini-golf? - Sounds fun.
- Sounds awful.
- Ben: All right, I got to run.
- Okay.
We will swing by your place around 6:00, grab some chow, then hit the links.
Wait.
My place? What just happened? This mom dance.
[Vocalizing "Macarena".]
- [Body thuds.]
- [Grunts.]
Hey, Macarena It's okay.
No need to panic.
I deal with pro athletes.
They're huge babies.
A few kids? I've got this.
- You so got this! - Okay, I do not.
I am panicking.
Come on.
Do what you do.
Coddle me.
Make me feel good.
Give me advice.
Go.
- [Doorbell rings.]
- [Whimpers.]
Kids like ice cream.
Sorry.
That's all I got.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Oh.
Okay.
So, uh, guys, this is Alice.
This is Dora and Bunny.
Nice to meet you.
Damn! Sweet pad you got here.
How much you lay down? Like, two, three hundo? Let's hang.
I'm Andy.
- That's my son.
- Mm-hmm.
Go.
Hey, need some advice.
So, there is this guy in my class that sells pot brownies.
Do you think being a spaced-out burner would change public perception of me? And keep in mind, I am struggling socially.
- I'm gonna say don't do drugs.
- Copy that.
Okay.
- Personal question.
- What was the last one? On my computer, I have this folder marked "math homework," but it's just boobs.
- Where is your dad? - Now, give me the honest, objective, female perspective.
Am I normal? Yes.
[Slapping counter.]
Knew it! [Laughs.]
Man, it feels so good to rap with someone who gets me.
Now, about my folder marked "Spanish" - Ben: All right.
- Oh, thank God.
It's getting late.
We should probably order dinner, and also not serve ice cream.
We'll sidebar on this later, A-dogg.
[Clicks tongue.]
[Chuckling.]
"A-dogg.
" - Nicknames.
That's kind of fast.
- Just roll with it.
He's the easy sale.
No, he's great.
He's fine.
He's very open, he bangs things.
Girls are my specialty because I was a girl.
I am a girl.
Like, I should probably just, like, focus on them.
I'd tread carefully.
Bunny's going through a death phase, and Dora I know I shouldn't say this, couldn't love her more, but if I had to rank them, she would be like - Dora: Hey, Dad.
- right here! Hey, Dora.
I had an idea.
I was thinking maybe next weekend, you and I Oh, I'm gonna stop you right there.
I don't do manis, pedis, shopping, or Gosling movies.
Oh, um, also, Andy just ruined your fancy rug.
He makes me smile.
Oh, my what the hell, Andy? Little spill.
Where's your shirt, dude? I panicked and used it as a rag, and no one look at my middle.
I am working on it.
Bunny: Daddy, look! I'm Elvis right before he died on the toilet.
Oh, careful.
That's a vintage Les Paul.
What does this thing do? - [Alice gasps.]
- [Wawa bar clatters.]
Andy: Oh, good.
That is way worse than what I did.
Please don't hate me.
- No.
- She paused.
- She hates me.
- Oh! Andy: Oh, God.
Someone just tweeted the Facebook poll.
They're calling me "Blandy.
" It's a combination of my name and the word bland.
Blandy.
Why do my peers always come up with insults that are so clever and smart? Why? Bud, I know this whole thing sucks right Okay, that's a lady's jacket.
Ugh! Alice, I need you.
Did he just ask for me? Mm-hmm.
He's really taken to you.
You okay? I'm just so tired of everyone looking at me like a nobody.
If you don't like how people see you, just make them see something else.
What do you mean? She means change everything.
Reinvent yourself a little.
Extensive plastic surgery.
Get a new hairstyle.
Be anyone but you.
Maybe run for class office.
So, start over as a person? That's your advice? [Grunts.]
See? He gets it.
- We're good.
- No.
[Chuckles.]
You are having a PR crisis.
- Give me your phone.
- Uh, no, I don't Trust me.
This is my business.
All you got to do is Boom.
And problem solved.
[Cellphone vibrates.]
Someone just retweeted me.
[Cellphone vibrates.]
And again.
What did you say? "Blandy in the house, y'all.
" Wait.
What? - [Cellphone vibrating.]
- "Making life bland as balls.
#BlandyAsBalls! #Blessed!" Oh, no, no, no, no.
W-Why would I say this about me? 'Cause you're taking the power away from them.
Oh, they are tweeting me back so fast.
And mean! Oh, my God! Okay, we can handle this.
Oh, my God.
They're awful.
Okay.
We'll just say that your phone was hacked, and then we'll check you into the hospital for exhaustion.
Wha I'm not Lamar Odom! I am a boy! Not in that jacket you ain't.
You just ruined my life in one minute.
Thanks a lot! Mary: Okay.
The way I see it, these are garbage children.
- It's not them, it's me.
- What happened? Want to know what just happened? I just broke Andy.
I broke your child.
I broke him good.
And he was the only one who even gave me a chance! Bunny turned on me for no reason.
It's perfectly natural to pause when somebody destroys your favorite thing.
And Dora? She's a nerd, dude.
And I like nerds, but she's a mean nerd.
Whoa.
Time out.
Okay.
You can't rip on my kids.
- Only I can do that.
- I can't do this.
I thought that I could, and I can't.
The way Andy just looked at me? I won't do to your kids what my parents did to me.
Alice, what are you You're not your parents.
I am.
[Sighs.]
I'm sorry.
W-What? Y-You want us to go? Is that what you want? [Scoffs.]
Okay.
[Sighs.]
I need a drink.
Alice, I know you're upset, but a drink won't fix anything.
Now, 10 drinks Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Hands up in the air And another! How's my twerk? Look at me.
Alice, look at me! Yeah, it's good! How's mine? And another! Do it! Don't go breaking my heart I couldn't if I tried Oh, honey, if I get restless Don't go breaking my heart Man: Off the stage, lady! - Say you got to give it to 'em - Whoo! - Get a little rude, bring it in hot - Whoo! Whoo-hoo! [Yells.]
[Crowd groans, music stops.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Whoo! Uh-oh.
Uh-oh! Keep it in your mouth like a lady! That's my girl! Whoo! - [Body thuds.]
- Uh-oh.
I'm gonna need a taco, and a queso chango, and an enchiloco! Oh, my God, I love street enchilocos! - [Tires screech, horn honks.]
- Hey! I'm walkin' here! Yeah, she's walking here! Both: We are living so hard right now! [Groans.]
Never drinking again.
Mary: Not even a nice glass of Chardonnay? 'Cause sometimes a lady has to let off steam.
What the why are you spooning me? I like snuggles, chica.
Why you got to make this weird now? Ohh.
What happened last night? Well, let's see, there was drinking and dancing and singing, and driving Ben away and the bull! [Laughs.]
You rode a bull! Oh, no.
Ben.
I ruined everything.
Ohh.
But isn't that why I'm here? 'Cause deep down, you knew this couldn't work? He had to go, right? No, I think deep down, I'm just scared.
No, no, no, no, p-please don't cry.
- [Sniffles.]
- Please? We can fix this! How? How do we fix this? I got it! Go to him.
Go to him.
Yes, that's what people do in situations like this! And you apologize.
And beg for forgiveness.
And kiss him long and hard, and let me watch.
Let's move.
Shoe.
I only have one shoe.
Shoe.
Shoe.
Here, shooey, shooey, shooey.
- Hello? - What [Exhales sharply.]
- You're here? - He's here? Ben: I wanted to make sure you got home okay.
You pocket dialed me and left a three-hour voice mail.
Really tore up the town after you ditched us, huh? We can explain.
- When Alice was 6 years ol - [Body thuds.]
Alice, you cut and run last night.
That's something I can't have, not for me, and especially not for my kids, you understand? [Voice breaking.]
I get it.
I blew it.
It's over.
What? Over? No.
This is a fight.
We're having a fight.
So it's not over? Oh, my God, you have no idea what you're doing at all, do you? [Laughs.]
I really don't.
Look, I know I messed up last night, but there's this voice in my head, and it really got to me.
- I know the voice, Al.
- Eh.
The fear, the doubt.
I have it, too.
Everyone does.
This one's really, really loud.
Well, there's another voice now mine and it is telling you that we can make this work.
You're way too good for me.
Okay, looks like we're back on track, so I'll just give you two your privacy.
Pretending to walk away and show time.
Well, it's coarse to the touch and doesn't match anything, but it won't stain 'cause it's made with chemicals.
Um, I wrote a note for you.
"Sorry I hurt your guitar.
Love, Bunny.
" Bunny, there's no reason for you to be sorry.
I know it was an accident.
[Sighs.]
[Whispering.]
You misspelled some of the words to look extra cute, didn't you? Lot of bonding over here if either of you guys want to get in on this.
- I'll pass.
- I'm good.
Okay.
Look, if you're open to it, I would love a redo of our night out.
Both: Don't go breaking my heart How is this winning us over? So this is Alice today ruining our duet, but finally taking a chance on love.
What you want is never gonna happen.
Oh, yes, it's gonna happen Good thing I have her back 'cause she clearly has no idea what she's doing.
This doesn't mean I totally forgive you.
Gave you my heart Okay, maybe she's figuring it out a little bit - Together: Gave you my heart - but looking way uncool doing it.
Mary: Honey, you are mom-dancing.
Full-on mom-dancing! I won't go breaking your heart Oh, come on! You could still keep it sexy! - Don't go breaking my heart - You know, get a little of this.
And then, you know, one of these, then some shimmy shake, - and then the old Whoo! - [Thud.]
Andy: Alice, this girl retweeted me.
[Clears throat.]
"Love the way @AndyLovesTacos" that's me is owning the nickname Blandy.
#TakingThePowerAway.
" Wow.
Who's StonewashedJeans92? I don't know.
- [Clicks tongue.]
Thanks, A-dogg.
- Mm.
Hmm.
StonewashedJeans92.
Sounds like someone's old AOL screen name.
I threw a kid a bone.
[Cellphone vibrates.]
Oh.
Andy just sent StonewashedJeans92 a direct message.
"Hey, girl.
Thanks for the retweet.
Want to meet up IRL?" Oh, boy.
Both: And account deleted.
Just a kid doing her best to ignore the implosion of her parents' marriage.
I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath Which is why she dreamed me up in her twisted, lonely little mind.
Agreed politely I guess that I forgot - What's up? - Who are you? I'm Mary, dummy.
And I'm here because I love you.
With my help, you're gonna kick life in the A-double-S! [Chuckles.]
That's a swear word.
I'll teach you a bunch.
- See Mommy? All sad and broken.
- [Crying.]
That will never be you, understand? Go on, say it out loud.
Say it.
[Whispering.]
That will never be me.
You're gonna be fierce and independent, and you will never rely on any boy.
Or girl.
Your haircut makes things confusing.
- Got it.
- Now, let's go smash something your daddy loves.
Even though Alice's parents were never there for her, I always was.
I'm glad your mom bailed again 'cause that means we can take the bus downtown to get our noses pierced.
Well, your nose.
I don't have one.
Didn't skimp on the butt, though.
Thanks for that.
Yep, I was turning that shy little girl into a kick-ass woman, which meant, over time, she needed me less and less.
It's happening.
Our first time.
Hey, don't be so boring! Flip the script and get on top! What the? No! No, no, no! 10 more minutes! No! No, no! You still need me! At least let me get a peek at his diiii I got the eye of the tiger Turns out, I had no reason to worry.
Thanks to me, Alice now owns her own business, travels the world, and is single like a fox.
That is, until this guy came in for a meeting.
And in 2015, I won a National Magazine Award - for my - Online dating profile.
- Kudos.
- Wha - [Computer beeping.]
- Clicking out.
Um "DivorcedRadDad"? Really? That'sour user ID? - [Keyboard clacking.]
- And we're frozen.
And pulling out the cord.
- And plenty of battery left.
- And we're done.
- We'll be in touch.
- Will you, though? No.
- [Telephone rings.]
- Know what? Since this is the worst interview in history, can we just go for broke? My dating profile's a mess.
You're a PR guru.
Can you fix this? Since it's everything a woman isn't looking for, let's dig in.
First, please, lose the Crocs and the braided belt.
Ben: That's casual Ben.
I'm casual.
You're cute.
Push the cute.
No Crocs, thinks I'm cute.
Got it.
Hey, what do you say we continue this work sesh over dinner? You do know I was out the moment I saw you had a kid, right? Then you're really out 'cause I have frickin' three, so let's just keep it professional.
If all goes well, you're gonna help me fall in love.
Sure, there was something very charming about DivorcedRadDad's complete lack of game.
But my girl knew how to hit it and quit it.
[Chuckles.]
I gave it three days.
I was wrong.
[Telephone rings, answering machine beeps.]
Andy: Dad? Pick up.
It's an emergency.
[Telephone beeps.]
Andy? What's up? There is a poll on our class Facebook page, "Most likely to grow up and be an accountant.
" I am leading.
- And it's a friggin' landslide! - I voted three times.
Daddy, I lost a tooth at Grandma's! Okay, guys, none of this is an emergency.
But I didn't get any money under my pillow, which means the tooth fairy is dead.
Or she's just a very busy fairy.
Okay, when are you gonna be here? Five seconds.
[Telephone beeps, clatters.]
- Put your pants on! - What's happening? - My kids are home.
- Who? - My children.
- Oh! Pants.
Pants.
Whoa! - Pants.
- Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Okay.
Okay.
- Yeah, we're on the second floor.
- Babe, you can do this.
You hang down, stick the landing.
We're really geed a new system to avoid your kids.
Yeah.
Or you meet 'em.
At worst, I'd break an ankle.
Okay, listen, the truth is I want you to meet them.
I want us to take the next step 'cause you are absolutely amazing, and I love you.
You got a halfy.
The emotional stuff gets me excited sometimes.
Oh, God, you're cute.
- Let's go for it! - Shut up.
- Huh? What? - Really? I mean, obviously, I have to talk to the kids, - make sure that they're down with it.
- Exactly, because they may not be, - even though I totally and completely am.
- [Door opens in distance.]
- Andy: Dad? - Dora: We're home! - Bunny: Why do we bury people? - [Door slams.]
I'm out.
Let me know how it goes.
Just like that, everything I taught her literally flew out the window.
Meeting his kids can only lead to heartbreak.
- Yeah! - And I cannot let that happen.
- Nailed it.
- Stuck it! Lucky for Alice, help is on the way.
Gather up.
Family pow wow time.
- I've got a big - Andy: I had the worst day.
I need attention now! Okay, where is this on the urgency scale, pal? Anything below a seven, you handle on your own.
This accountant thing? It's sticking.
Okay, that's a hard four, tops.
Kids, the scale only works - when we're honest with the numbers.
- All day, it was, "There goes the accountant!" and "Do my taxes, Holmes!" See, this is your whole problem.
Y-You need to be more like my boyfriend complicated, powerful, a rogue Jedi.
- Kylo Ren is not your boyfriend.
- Yet.
- [Andy and Dora yelling.]
- Guys? Guys? Guys! I'm dating a lady! Her name is Alice, and I'd love for you to meet her.
Okay, I can tell this is a lot, right? But you're really gonna like her.
She's a PR rep for sports stars, and she's cool and funny and sexy.
Which is not something you tell your children.
The point is, your dad is kind of nervous, okay? Does she have kids? No.
That's just it, Peanut.
She hasn't had all her coolness drained out of her the way you guys have done to me.
Boop! Uh, sorry, let me get this straight.
You're dating a woman whose whole job is to make someone look better than they actually are? Oh, this is perfect for me.
You can tell Alice no, tell A-dogg I'm in.
Kind of weird to already give her a nickname, but that's a yes.
- Who else? - Fine.
Not said with a lot of enthusiasm, but still a yes.
This is happening! - So this is happening.
- Totally happening.
Okay, let's do a rundown on the kids.
First, Andy he's the oldest.
He is very excited to meet you and will come on too strong, so we need some kind of a signal - in case he, like, corners you.
- Corners me? As for Dora, she's the classic middle child, Also, a big-time fangirl, so don't fake your way through a Harry Potter convo.
You will lose.
Then there's Bunny the little one.
Likes to ask a lot of philosophical questions about death.
Do not engage.
Table-side guac coming your way, señor.
iHola! Don't go loco on me, girl.
Mary's back to help.
[Gurgles, sniffs.]
What the Holy I know, how cool is this, right? They make it right at the table.
Kids? Huge step.
You're spinning out bad.
That's why you dug me out of your brain.
But don't worry.
We'll handle it together! This isn't happening.
- It's just an appetizer.
Are you okay? - He's onto you.
Pick up your phone like you have a work emergency! Work emergency.
Some public-relations guys need my help with some PR stuff.
I got to go.
Love you.
Bye.
Hasta luego, beardy.
Wait.
You're running from me? Okay, now you're just being rude.
No hug.
No kiss.
This is not how I raised you.
You're just in my head.
Go away.
Slow down! I can't keep up! Do not make me gorilla this.
Why'd you have to give me these damn stumpy legs? I cannot hear things that don't exist.
La la la la la la la [Out-of-tune guitar strumming.]
[Sighs.]
You are real.
Technically, imaginary, but to you, I'm real as hell and here to stay.
[Laughs.]
Look at us.
The besties are back.
My bestie is back.
Oh, my God.
You're back.
Which brings me to why I am here.
Ben.
He is so cute and kind, - and you have to run.
- What? Why? Look, Ben is a dad.
[Grunts.]
That means, if you're with him [Grunting.]
you're a mom.
And before you know it, you're gonna be at a wedding, and the "Macarena" is gonna blast, and you're gonna mom-dance, just like this.
I am a mom, and I do the Macarena Where is my minivan? Oh, I'll find it later Okay, I will never dance like that, but I am freaking out.
Let's get down and dirty.
Go.
It's, like, I don't know how to mom.
Don't know if I want to mom.
Don't know if a real mom would use "mom" as a verb.
We're in agreement.
You know nothing.
But I really love this guy.
I don't want to lose him.
Okay, my Mary advice you meet the kids, just not right now.
Listening.
Take two, three months to study up on these "children people.
" Learn all about them.
Could take a year, maybe more.
And the longer I put off meeting Ben's kids, the more I'm protecting our relationship.
Exactly.
You're blowing him off 'cause you care so damn much! See? This is why you're here.
Lucky for you, I got a plan.
Ta-da.
Adele tickets? That must've cost a fortune.
Hottest ticket in town.
Great way to meet your kids, right? Um, the concert's six months from now.
But worth the wait.
Look at the row number.
One.
Look, I get it.
You're meeting my kids.
It's scary, especially for you.
- [Knocking on glass.]
- He's onto us! Kick him in the nuts and run! [Grunts.]
Me? Scared of kids? I don't even hide when people bring them in here anymore.
I mean, I close my door, but that's just because I have a bowl of candy, and it's kind of like it's my candy.
All that matters is I love you, and we're in this together.
I'm scared, and the tickets were a stall.
Traitor! And look, if you want to wait, we can wait.
Promise.
I will love you no matter what.
Unh-unh.
Unh-unh.
Unh-unh.
Mnh-mnh.
And we're done.
Thank you.
That was disgusting.
You know what? You already talked to the kids.
- Let's do this.
[Groans.]
- Thank God.
Canceling would've been hard to explain.
They are super suspicious and awful with change.
- They sound great.
- So what should we do? - [Gasps.]
Disney World.
- We could fly to Disney World.
It's a big swing more of a huge vacation than a first meet.
- Gun range.
- Gun range! - Gotcha.
- What? is something a crazy person would suggest.
I meant to say burgers? Perfect.
And maybe some mini-golf? - Sounds fun.
- Sounds awful.
- Ben: All right, I got to run.
- Okay.
We will swing by your place around 6:00, grab some chow, then hit the links.
Wait.
My place? What just happened? This mom dance.
[Vocalizing "Macarena".]
- [Body thuds.]
- [Grunts.]
Hey, Macarena It's okay.
No need to panic.
I deal with pro athletes.
They're huge babies.
A few kids? I've got this.
- You so got this! - Okay, I do not.
I am panicking.
Come on.
Do what you do.
Coddle me.
Make me feel good.
Give me advice.
Go.
- [Doorbell rings.]
- [Whimpers.]
Kids like ice cream.
Sorry.
That's all I got.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Oh.
Okay.
So, uh, guys, this is Alice.
This is Dora and Bunny.
Nice to meet you.
Damn! Sweet pad you got here.
How much you lay down? Like, two, three hundo? Let's hang.
I'm Andy.
- That's my son.
- Mm-hmm.
Go.
Hey, need some advice.
So, there is this guy in my class that sells pot brownies.
Do you think being a spaced-out burner would change public perception of me? And keep in mind, I am struggling socially.
- I'm gonna say don't do drugs.
- Copy that.
Okay.
- Personal question.
- What was the last one? On my computer, I have this folder marked "math homework," but it's just boobs.
- Where is your dad? - Now, give me the honest, objective, female perspective.
Am I normal? Yes.
[Slapping counter.]
Knew it! [Laughs.]
Man, it feels so good to rap with someone who gets me.
Now, about my folder marked "Spanish" - Ben: All right.
- Oh, thank God.
It's getting late.
We should probably order dinner, and also not serve ice cream.
We'll sidebar on this later, A-dogg.
[Clicks tongue.]
[Chuckling.]
"A-dogg.
" - Nicknames.
That's kind of fast.
- Just roll with it.
He's the easy sale.
No, he's great.
He's fine.
He's very open, he bangs things.
Girls are my specialty because I was a girl.
I am a girl.
Like, I should probably just, like, focus on them.
I'd tread carefully.
Bunny's going through a death phase, and Dora I know I shouldn't say this, couldn't love her more, but if I had to rank them, she would be like - Dora: Hey, Dad.
- right here! Hey, Dora.
I had an idea.
I was thinking maybe next weekend, you and I Oh, I'm gonna stop you right there.
I don't do manis, pedis, shopping, or Gosling movies.
Oh, um, also, Andy just ruined your fancy rug.
He makes me smile.
Oh, my what the hell, Andy? Little spill.
Where's your shirt, dude? I panicked and used it as a rag, and no one look at my middle.
I am working on it.
Bunny: Daddy, look! I'm Elvis right before he died on the toilet.
Oh, careful.
That's a vintage Les Paul.
What does this thing do? - [Alice gasps.]
- [Wawa bar clatters.]
Andy: Oh, good.
That is way worse than what I did.
Please don't hate me.
- No.
- She paused.
- She hates me.
- Oh! Andy: Oh, God.
Someone just tweeted the Facebook poll.
They're calling me "Blandy.
" It's a combination of my name and the word bland.
Blandy.
Why do my peers always come up with insults that are so clever and smart? Why? Bud, I know this whole thing sucks right Okay, that's a lady's jacket.
Ugh! Alice, I need you.
Did he just ask for me? Mm-hmm.
He's really taken to you.
You okay? I'm just so tired of everyone looking at me like a nobody.
If you don't like how people see you, just make them see something else.
What do you mean? She means change everything.
Reinvent yourself a little.
Extensive plastic surgery.
Get a new hairstyle.
Be anyone but you.
Maybe run for class office.
So, start over as a person? That's your advice? [Grunts.]
See? He gets it.
- We're good.
- No.
[Chuckles.]
You are having a PR crisis.
- Give me your phone.
- Uh, no, I don't Trust me.
This is my business.
All you got to do is Boom.
And problem solved.
[Cellphone vibrates.]
Someone just retweeted me.
[Cellphone vibrates.]
And again.
What did you say? "Blandy in the house, y'all.
" Wait.
What? - [Cellphone vibrating.]
- "Making life bland as balls.
#BlandyAsBalls! #Blessed!" Oh, no, no, no, no.
W-Why would I say this about me? 'Cause you're taking the power away from them.
Oh, they are tweeting me back so fast.
And mean! Oh, my God! Okay, we can handle this.
Oh, my God.
They're awful.
Okay.
We'll just say that your phone was hacked, and then we'll check you into the hospital for exhaustion.
Wha I'm not Lamar Odom! I am a boy! Not in that jacket you ain't.
You just ruined my life in one minute.
Thanks a lot! Mary: Okay.
The way I see it, these are garbage children.
- It's not them, it's me.
- What happened? Want to know what just happened? I just broke Andy.
I broke your child.
I broke him good.
And he was the only one who even gave me a chance! Bunny turned on me for no reason.
It's perfectly natural to pause when somebody destroys your favorite thing.
And Dora? She's a nerd, dude.
And I like nerds, but she's a mean nerd.
Whoa.
Time out.
Okay.
You can't rip on my kids.
- Only I can do that.
- I can't do this.
I thought that I could, and I can't.
The way Andy just looked at me? I won't do to your kids what my parents did to me.
Alice, what are you You're not your parents.
I am.
[Sighs.]
I'm sorry.
W-What? Y-You want us to go? Is that what you want? [Scoffs.]
Okay.
[Sighs.]
I need a drink.
Alice, I know you're upset, but a drink won't fix anything.
Now, 10 drinks Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Hands up in the air And another! How's my twerk? Look at me.
Alice, look at me! Yeah, it's good! How's mine? And another! Do it! Don't go breaking my heart I couldn't if I tried Oh, honey, if I get restless Don't go breaking my heart Man: Off the stage, lady! - Say you got to give it to 'em - Whoo! - Get a little rude, bring it in hot - Whoo! Whoo-hoo! [Yells.]
[Crowd groans, music stops.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Whoo! Uh-oh.
Uh-oh! Keep it in your mouth like a lady! That's my girl! Whoo! - [Body thuds.]
- Uh-oh.
I'm gonna need a taco, and a queso chango, and an enchiloco! Oh, my God, I love street enchilocos! - [Tires screech, horn honks.]
- Hey! I'm walkin' here! Yeah, she's walking here! Both: We are living so hard right now! [Groans.]
Never drinking again.
Mary: Not even a nice glass of Chardonnay? 'Cause sometimes a lady has to let off steam.
What the why are you spooning me? I like snuggles, chica.
Why you got to make this weird now? Ohh.
What happened last night? Well, let's see, there was drinking and dancing and singing, and driving Ben away and the bull! [Laughs.]
You rode a bull! Oh, no.
Ben.
I ruined everything.
Ohh.
But isn't that why I'm here? 'Cause deep down, you knew this couldn't work? He had to go, right? No, I think deep down, I'm just scared.
No, no, no, no, p-please don't cry.
- [Sniffles.]
- Please? We can fix this! How? How do we fix this? I got it! Go to him.
Go to him.
Yes, that's what people do in situations like this! And you apologize.
And beg for forgiveness.
And kiss him long and hard, and let me watch.
Let's move.
Shoe.
I only have one shoe.
Shoe.
Shoe.
Here, shooey, shooey, shooey.
- Hello? - What [Exhales sharply.]
- You're here? - He's here? Ben: I wanted to make sure you got home okay.
You pocket dialed me and left a three-hour voice mail.
Really tore up the town after you ditched us, huh? We can explain.
- When Alice was 6 years ol - [Body thuds.]
Alice, you cut and run last night.
That's something I can't have, not for me, and especially not for my kids, you understand? [Voice breaking.]
I get it.
I blew it.
It's over.
What? Over? No.
This is a fight.
We're having a fight.
So it's not over? Oh, my God, you have no idea what you're doing at all, do you? [Laughs.]
I really don't.
Look, I know I messed up last night, but there's this voice in my head, and it really got to me.
- I know the voice, Al.
- Eh.
The fear, the doubt.
I have it, too.
Everyone does.
This one's really, really loud.
Well, there's another voice now mine and it is telling you that we can make this work.
You're way too good for me.
Okay, looks like we're back on track, so I'll just give you two your privacy.
Pretending to walk away and show time.
Well, it's coarse to the touch and doesn't match anything, but it won't stain 'cause it's made with chemicals.
Um, I wrote a note for you.
"Sorry I hurt your guitar.
Love, Bunny.
" Bunny, there's no reason for you to be sorry.
I know it was an accident.
[Sighs.]
[Whispering.]
You misspelled some of the words to look extra cute, didn't you? Lot of bonding over here if either of you guys want to get in on this.
- I'll pass.
- I'm good.
Okay.
Look, if you're open to it, I would love a redo of our night out.
Both: Don't go breaking my heart How is this winning us over? So this is Alice today ruining our duet, but finally taking a chance on love.
What you want is never gonna happen.
Oh, yes, it's gonna happen Good thing I have her back 'cause she clearly has no idea what she's doing.
This doesn't mean I totally forgive you.
Gave you my heart Okay, maybe she's figuring it out a little bit - Together: Gave you my heart - but looking way uncool doing it.
Mary: Honey, you are mom-dancing.
Full-on mom-dancing! I won't go breaking your heart Oh, come on! You could still keep it sexy! - Don't go breaking my heart - You know, get a little of this.
And then, you know, one of these, then some shimmy shake, - and then the old Whoo! - [Thud.]
Andy: Alice, this girl retweeted me.
[Clears throat.]
"Love the way @AndyLovesTacos" that's me is owning the nickname Blandy.
#TakingThePowerAway.
" Wow.
Who's StonewashedJeans92? I don't know.
- [Clicks tongue.]
Thanks, A-dogg.
- Mm.
Hmm.
StonewashedJeans92.
Sounds like someone's old AOL screen name.
I threw a kid a bone.
[Cellphone vibrates.]
Oh.
Andy just sent StonewashedJeans92 a direct message.
"Hey, girl.
Thanks for the retweet.
Want to meet up IRL?" Oh, boy.
Both: And account deleted.