In Living Color (1990) s01e01 Episode Script

You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon It's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me It's a'ight to be - In living color How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat - And at night it was safeto walk down the street - In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color Everybody here is equally kind In living color - What's mine is yoursand what's yours is mine - In living color How would you feel knowingeverybody was your friend From thin to thickand through thick and thin - And egotistical tripswas put to an end - In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon It's never too lateand it's never too soon Take it from meIt's a'ight to be In living color How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat - And at night it was safeto walk down the street - In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color Ladies and gentlemen, Keenen Ivory Wayans! [Audience Cheering, Applauding.]
- Thank you.
- [Cheering, Applauding Continues.]
All right.
[Chuckles.]
Thank you.
Thank you.
And welcome to In Living Color.
I'm Keenen Ivory Wayans.
We got a great show for you tonight.
Before I get started, I'd like to introduce a few folks to you.
My D.
J.
That keeps the party rockin' all night long.
.
.
S.
W.
One, in the house.
.
.
give it up! [Cheering, Applause.]
And, of course, you got to say hello to all my Fly Girls.
- Starting over here with Carrie Ann.
.
.
- [Cheering, Applause.]
Lisa, Deidre.
.
.
- Michelle and Cari.
- [Cheering, Applause Continues.]
All right.
We got a great show.
We want you to sit back, laugh, have a good time.
And I'll see you in a minute.
Let's do it.
You can do what you wanna do In living color [Theme.]
Hi.
Welcome back to Love Connection.
Told you we'd be back in two and two.
Our next guest says she likes her men to be very wealthy.
Let's say hello to Robin Givens.
- Hi, Robin.
- Hello, Charles.
Don't ever call me Charles.
I'll go off.
[Chuckles.]
So, Robin, tell us about this wealthy thing.
Well, Chuck, I don't want people thinking that I'm the type of woman.
.
.
- who's only interested in the size of a man's wallet.
- Mm-hmm.
I mean, there are things that are just as important.
- Like what? - Well, like what's in the wallet.
Am I right? - [Cheering.]
- Thank you.
Okay.
[Chuckles.]
Robin, last time you were here, you picked a man to go out with.
Now you're back to tell us how it went.
Let's say hello to Mike Tyson.
Hello, Michael.
- Hi, Michael.
- Hi, Robin.
- How you doin', Chuck? - Hi, there, Mike.
How are you? Well, I got to say I'm really ecstatic to be here.
All righty, then.
Robin, tell us how the date started.
Well, at first, I called Michael and, of course, things didn't go very well.
.
.
because he's just a boxer from Brooklyn.
.
.
and, of course, I was a Harvard medical student.
What about you, Mike? What did you think of Robin? Well, Chuck, when I first saw Robin, I was ecstatic.
I mean, she had this.
.
.
she had this really tight dress on.
.
.
you know, the kind with the push-up bra.
.
.
and her breasts were, like, poppin' right out.
Like hit me right in the eye, you know? And as soon as I saw them, Chuck, I said, "Wow.
I'm in love," you know? Sounds like you two really hit it off.
- So where'd you go first? - Well, first, Chuck.
.
.
we went to this lovely little jewelry store.
.
.
where I allowed Michael to purchase me.
.
.
a very lovely ruby, diamond and sapphire collection.
.
.
and a matching car.
- Sounds nice.
Did you give Mike anything? - Lithium.
It made.
.
.
It made me feelreally ecstatic, Chuck.
- Uh-huh.
- Yes, we know, Michael.
We know.
So, where'd you go next? Well, then we went to the most beautiful little wedding chapel.
.
.
where my mother was waiting with a justice of the peace, and we got married! - Thank you very much.
- [Cheering, Applause.]
[Chuck.]
Mike, what didyou think of Robin's mother? Well, I got to be honest, Chuck.
I wasn't too ecstatic.
You know, I looked at her mom, the first thing I thought was.
.
.
"Wow.
This lady really needs a hair weave.
" - And I'm, sorry, Robin.
- [Robin.]
Michael.
.
.
I'm really sorry, darlin', but your mom's head.
.
.
her forehead is just way too big.
.
.
- and she just has too little hair to cover it, you know? - Messy.
But I tell you something though,what really separates Robinfrom her mom is class.
Because the franks were still bothering me 'cause I had a boiled egg too.
And I kinda cut one in the car, you know? And her mom made a big stink out of it.
[Giggles.]
Robin, we're almost out of time.
Tell us about the rest of the date.
Well, Charles.
.
.
after the bank, the lithium began to wear off.
.
.
- and Michael went a little wild.
- [Mike.]
Oh, come on, Robin.
- What happened, Mike? - Oh, well.
.
.
Well, Chuck, it was really simple.
It was quite innocent.
I was in the parking lot picking up the car.
.
.
I'm waitin' on Robin and her mom, and I see this girl.
She has a really nice butt.
So I walk over, I go, "Hi, my name is Mike.
" And then I shove my tongue down her throat, you know? And this guy comes over and goes, "Hey, that's my mother.
" So I punch him in his gut, you know, and he started making little wormy noises.
It was pretty funny.
He was, like, "Oh, God, I'm bleedin' internally.
" It was pretty funny, you know? It reminded me of the Bonecrusher Smith fight.
.
.
where I hit him in his third rib and then tried to push his nose up into his brain, you know? - And I came over with.
.
.
- [Chuck.]
Whoa.
! Whoa.
! - I hit him and he went down.
- Whoa! Whoa! Ding! Ding! [Chuck.]
Ding.
! Wow, that was quite a date.
Let's see who our audience picked for you.
Was it Mike? John KennedyJr.
? Or Donald Trump? They picked Mike by 41%.
So if you two would like to go out again.
.
.
[Chuckles.]
Ultimately, Mike will pay for it.
Well, there is a lovely little fur salon I'd like to go to.
Michael, I wouldn't mind.
- [Giggles.]
- What about you, Michael? All right.
I guess it's all right, Robin.
Well, be sure to come back and tell us about it.
Hey, Mike, maybe I'll see you on Scrabble sometime.
Yeah, right.
Hey, "ecstatic.
" E-X-K-l-T.
- All right? - Are you gonna tell him he's wrong? [Chuckles.]
Well, that's it, folks.
I'm Chuck Woolery.
Until next time, may all your dates be a matter of public record.
[Fanfare.]
On July 20, 1969, Apollo astronauts Neil Armstrong.
.
.
Buzz Aldrin, Michael Collinsand Slick Johnson orbited the moon.
Collins remained in the command module.
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.
and Armstrong, Aldrin and Johnson.
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.
landed the small lunar module on the moon's surface.
While the men wereexploring the area.
.
.
Armstrong received wordfrom mission control.
.
.
that a system malfunctionhad left them with only enough fuel.
.
.
to take three of the fourpioneers safely back to Earth.
After conferringwith Collins and Aldrin.
.
.
Armstrong sentJohnson outto find a nice spot to play volleyball.
Minutes later, the landing moduletook off, leaving Slick behind.
Hey, come on, y'all! Stop playin', man! Hey, yo, that's not funny! That's not funny, man! Come back here! The mission was an otherwise perfect success.
And an embarrassed NASA deletedall references toJohnsonfrom its official literature.
Tonight, we salute SlickJohnson.
.
.
the first black man on the moon.
I'm Tommy Davidson with another great moment in black history.
Yo, yo, yo, all you bad bargain hunters out there! Welcome to the Homeboy Shopping Network.
Yo! We're the host with the most.
- I'm Whiz, this is the Iceman.
- Chillin'.
[Both.]
Let's show 'em what we got.
- Look at all this stuff, man.
- It's like a warehouse sale.
- Look at all this stuff.
- What have we got? Let's show 'em the first item.
- All right, we got this.
- For your automotive needs.
We got car phones, we got car stereos, we got car alarms.
And if you act now, we could probably get the car.
Probably.
- Yo, give 'em the number.
- All right.
Uh, yeah.
Operators are standin' by.
Yo, our next item up for sale.
.
.
- jewelry, jewelry, jewelry! - Look at all this stuff! Look at all this! Lovely assortment of gold chains.
Some of them have been broken in transit, though.
- Oh, a lovely diamond clustered ring.
- Oh, wow, look at this one.
- Oh, man.
- You gonna keep it? Yeah.
- I'm sorry, customers.
That was merely a display item.
- [Phone Rings.]
We got callers already.
Damn! Hello.
Welcome to the Homeboy Shopping Network.
[Man.]
That's my wife's ring! If I ever get my hands on you, you sleazy, slimy, son of a.
.
.
- [Laughing.]
- [Both.]
Another satisfied customer.
Yo, check these out.
This is something really special.
Now.
.
.
Now these are some.
.
.
These are the top-of-the-line stuff, man, you know? These are some of the finer TVs you might find at some of the better hotels.
Matter of fact, these are the same TVs you find in the better hotels.
- Yeah.
- Yo, check it out.
They're a little wobbly, right? They're a little bit wobbly.
But check this out.
If you act now, we'll throw in these free Gideon Bibles.
.
.
- you just throw 'em all the way underneath like that.
- Check it out.
Straight! Oh, yeah, now for you cable buffs out there, man, we got something special for you.
Check this out.
Check this out.
Now.
.
.
Yo, not only will you get, like.
.
.
all the cable stations out there.
.
.
But you'll be able to talk directly to the astronauts.
Ain't that lovely? Show 'em the other stuff.
Show 'em the other stuff.
Now this.
.
.
this is somethin' special.
You talk about at-home bankin'.
Yo, yo, yo.
All you got to do is hook this bad boy up in your house.
.
.
- And what you got? - You throw the card in there.
.
.
Boom.
.
.
or somebody else's card.
.
.
Boom.
.
.
like that.
.
.
[Both.]
Mo' money, mo' money, mo' money.
[Siren Blaring,Approaching.]
- Uh-oh! Do I hear a bluelight special? - I think so.
- Well, you know what that means.
- That's right.
We're movin' locations.
So, join us next week on the Homeboy Shopping Network.
- Same time.
.
.
- Different corner.
[Both.]
Peace! [Dance.]
- [Ends.]
- [Applause, Cheering.]
Hi.
This is Redd Foxx with your 1990 tax tips.
Tip number one.
.
.
pay 'em.
Tip number two.
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.
if the I.
R.
S.
Man show up to your house.
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.
lie.
.
.
about everything, especially who you is.
Get back to work, you crusty old heathen.
Oh, Lord! I thought I flushed my toilet.
I'm the one who save you from the I.
R.
S.
You belong to me now.
And when you finish cleanin' up and dustin' in here.
.
.
I want you to come in the room, massage my feet.
.
.
and pop the pimples on my back! Oh, Lord! There's got to be a better way.
Somebody help me! Eddie! Richard! Lamont! Somebody tell MichaelJackson to come get Bubbles.
Come here, you old geezer.
You my love slave now.
If your breasts drop any lower, they're gonna be knees.
You got the devil in you! Oh, Lord, somebody help me.
I'd give you five of these.
.
.
but I don't want to get none of that dog spit on my hands.
You gonna make love to me if it kills you, Fred.
It will! Elizabeth, I'm comin' to join you, honey.
.
.
with a half a bottle of Ripple and an old toothbrush.
Save me! Somebody, help me! I was buying a shirt at this clothing store and I was out of cash.
So I gave the salesmanmy Equity Express Gold Card.
I got a call from the store manager.
He said he was suspicious of a customer trying to use an Equity Express card.
From the manager'sdescription of the man.
.
.
it was clear he wasn't the rightsort to be carrying a Gold Card,if you know what I mean.
So I ran a checkon his credit.
[Scoffs.]
I knew my credit was good, 'cause I just paid my bill.
But the manager asked to see my driver's license, I gave him that.
My birth certificate,no problem.
Mother's maiden name,I had that too.
You see, this had happened before.
He answered all of our questions easily.
There was no doubt that it was his card.
But I wasn't giving up so fast.
I asked to speak to the customer directly.
Then the lady asked me who won the Bob Hope Invitational Golf Tournament in 1978.
[Man's Voice.]
I said, "Kiss my butt, bitch.
" Approve my credit.
I had him.
Use of obscenity over interstate phone lines is a federal offense.
So I asked the store manager to stall him while I called the police.
So they told me everything was cool.
.
.
and they started treating mereal nice, a little too nice.
They gift wrapped my shirt,they served me hors d'oeuvresand started doing magic tricks.
Then it got a little late,so I got up to leave.
[Woman.]
Luckily, the cops got there in time.
Sure he sued us and won.
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.
but it was still fun to do and the store manager was grateful.
[Woman.]
You see,helping people is what we're all about.
[Man.]
Equity Express,don't leave your crib without it.
.
.
or your driver's licenseor your birth certificate.
.
.
or your high school diploma,or your blood type.
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.
or your passport, or your dental records,or your fingerprints.
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.
or a notarized letterfrom the president.
[Dance.]
[Ends.]
In Living Color [Announcer.]
And now,Public Access presents Men On Films.
- Hello.
I'm Blayne Edwards.
- And I'm Antoine Merriwether.
[Both.]
And welcome to Men On Films.
We're gonna be reviewing the latest films.
From a male point of view.
First up, is that controversial movie.
.
.
Do The Right Thing.
Now I like little Spike Lee's courage in making this film.
I especially liked the way he mixed the racial tension with the violence.
.
.
in order to give his message: Do the right thing.
Come on out of the closet.
Don't be afraid to be who you is.
.
.
- Black, white or whatever.
- Mm-hmm.
Ain't that the truth, Ruth.
[Giggles.]
Now I'd like to talk about an exciting new film.
.
.
Karate Kid, Part Three.
It's all about men working out their problems in a very physical way.
- It was all so primitive.
- Mm-hmm.
And I really enjoyed Mr.
Miyagi, played by little Pat Morita.
Ooh, and that Ralph Macchio, three words.
.
.
Fab-U-Lous.
- Boy, I hope I look that good when I'm 40.
- Stop.
But I have to disagree.
I disagree.
There's just too much violence in this movie.
Don't get mad.
Stop.
[Indistinct.]
You better give me back my scarf.
Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful.
They went all wrong.
What's all this kickin' about? This is a movie about relationships.
This could have been a beautiful picture about the special friendship.
.
.
between a mature, masculine, older man.
.
.
and a tender, ripening, consenting young man.
See, I think America's ready for that.
You know I know I am.
I bet you is.
Now I'd like to talk about a film I've been anxiously awaitin' to see.
.
.
Great Balls Of Fire.
I ain't gonna touch it.
But the title alone gets two snaps up.
Tell it.
- Why don't you stop.
- Yes.
Now let's talk about some films that are soon to come out on video.
First up is Black Widow, starring Theresa Russell and Debra Winger.
[Both.]
Hated it.
Also coming out is Miss Firecracker.
Is that Gene Anthony Ray's new movie? Holly Hunter.
[Both.]
Hated it.
And we finally have Dangerous Liaisons.
.
.
starring John Malkovich and Glenn Close.
You know, John Malkovich is like every moviegoer's fantasy.
I found myself just alone at night just thinkin' about his.
.
.
- intensity.
- Yes.
- What'd you think of Glenn Close? - Oh, I loved him.
And I really have to admire the producers for daring to cast a man in that role.
I mean, that really made the picture for me.
Hello! Glenn Close is a woman.
[Gasps.]
Clutch the pearls! What a sneaky thing to do! Why you always sayin' stuff like that? Well, looks like we almost out of time.
Would you join us next week when we talk about Mel Gibson's Lethal Weapon? - I hope it's loaded.
- You crazy.
[Giggles.]
- [Cheering, Applause.]
- Thank you.
All right.
On behalf of the cast and myself.
.
.
I want to thank you all for joining us tonight.
We'll see you next week.
Bye-bye.
You can do what you wanna do In living color