In the Motherhood (2009) s01e01 Episode Script

I'd love to have drinks, but I can't.
I've had the longest day at work, and I need to relieve my "Manny" and I need to see my kids.
(Baby wailing) (Man) Honey, it's okay.
Here.
Here you go, baby.
Here.
Oh, my God.
It's loud! (Barking) (Man) It's okay.
It's okay.
Bravo, be quiet! (Girl speaking indistinctly) (Man) It's okay, honey.
(Speaks indistinctly) Okay, I saw the kids.
I will see you in ten minutes.
(Man shouting, baby continues wailing) (child giggles) God, it's so peaceful.
It's hard to believe kids even live here.
I mean, look at 'em.
They're like tiny little mutes.
I know.
They just love folding laundry.
Hey, kids, I got a couple loads out in the car.
I like the whites in a separate basket.
- More folding! Yay! - I get to iron! Okay, guys, I have some very exciting news.
- What? - What? - I have a date Friday night.
- Oh! What a relief.
Oh, God, I cannot tell you how hard it's been for me to think about my divorced, you know, much older sister living all alone.
You know, it's this kind of sadness that never leaves you.
Okay, let's stay focused here, all right? This is about me.
I am just saying I haven't had a date in I don't know how many years.
I mean, last time I went out with someone, I had this elaborate, feathered-back hairdo.
- I've still got it.
Huh? - You sure do.
(Sighs) Okay, I'm a little freaked out.
Nobody has seen this in a very long time.
Well, I hope it still works.
I just saw this thing on animal planet about the anteater world, and after ten months (Makes sucking sound) It just seals right back up.
Oh, my (Cell phone rings) (Ring) Ooh, it's Annie.
Shh! Shh! Shh! Hush! Nobody's talking.
(Ring) Hi, honey.
No, I'm still at work.
Yeah, totally at work.
Hey, I'll slide that P.
F.
D.
file on the plans to your flash drive A.
S.
A.
P.
, boss! Oh, look, I'm swamped.
Honey, I'm sorry.
I gotta go.
Okay, sweet dreams.
Jane, that was a complete lie.
You know, I mean, sometimes you have to lie to protect them from the fact that I need to do this.
You know, it's true.
I lie to my son all the time.
I steal from him.
Where do you think I got this t-shirt? - It's cute.
- Thanks.
I guess we just have different parenting styles.
Jason and I have a long-term plan based on honesty, and you're a liar.
(Laughs) Uh, okay, I don't think - you're quite as honest with your kids as you think.
- Yes, I am.
What about the fat bearded man in the red coat? - What? Was that someone you dated? - No.
- Well, you date a lot of fat guys.
- Santa.
Santa doesn't count as lying.
Oh, really? So you tell them that a big, fat man comes down a tiny chimney, and that's not a lie? Right, that's not a lie.
(Sighs) Oh, my God.
Okay, maybe you're right.
- You know, maybe I should tell them the truth.
- Thank you.
Kids! (Gasps) Not now! No! No, Emily! No, Jane, I have to do this or I'll be a lying parent like you.
Sweethearts, there's something you need to know about Santa.
Nonsense! No, Emily! Shut! Santa Claus is a made-up person.
(Sighs) Childhood officially over.
(Camera shutter snaps) And there's your Christmas card.
Excuse me.
Oh, excuse me.
Baby on board.
Cutting.
- Hi.
Can I have a decaf mocha? - Hey! No cuts, fatty.
Oh, go ahead and cut.
Well, hello? Is this fair? She gets to cut in line just 'cause she's pregnant? Oh, great.
Perfect.
Well, I guess if I was Excuse me Everybody, but, um, I just found out that I'm pregnant, too.
(Chuckles) Yeah, I got a text.
Yeah, I know.
It's crazy 'cause I'm, like, 50.
(Chuckles) Oh! - No, it's it's a miracle.
- (Woman) Oh, yes! - (Man) Congratulations.
Mazel Tov.
- Congratulations.
Thank you.
In the meantime, you know what? I'm actually gonna cut right in front of you because, um I really have to pee.
(Chuckles) - You know us pregnant ladies and our tiny, little bladders.
- Uh-huh.
.
(Wailing) Shh, shh.
Hey, hey.
Hi.
So sorry I'm late.
A taco fell in my gear shift.
Almost got in a terrible accident.
She's Ben crying all morning.
- Oh, that's okay.
Got her.
I got her.
- Honey, your Manny's here.
Everything's fine.
Yeah.
I know.
(Laughs) Whoa, look at that! - What did you say? - It's whale language.
- You know, it's hard to translate in English.
- Okay.
.
Are you busy Friday night? Oh, Jane.
Look, I know you have this whole Angela/Tony "who's the boss?" Fantasy thing going, but I'm sorry.
I'm just not attracted to you.
Can't force these things.
.
Oh! Yeah.
.
No, I need you to babysit.
- And I'm not attracted to you either.
- Yeah, right.
No, I actually have a date.
A date? You have a date? (Sighs) Well, no.
.
I mean, it's it's just dinner with this guy at work Shep who's really funny.
He does the funniest Borat impression.
He's like "My sister, she's prostitute" Okay.
You would laugh if you'd saw him do it.
Anyway, listen, I gotta go.
But Friday? Can you do Friday? Oh, I can't do friday night.
- Why? - I have date with Tina, you know from Tina's tacos.
Yeah, I mean, she's okay, but the tacos, ooh, they're amazing.
This is the only time I can squeeze this in.
Please? Um What if I do an early date? I'll be back by 9:00.
I promise.
- Okay, okay.
But remember, I love these tacos.
- Quick dinner.
thank you.
- Okay.
- They're like brothers to me.
I mean, don't take this the wrong way, but if a runaway bus was heading towards you and this taco place, I mean, I don't know who I'd push out of the way.
- They're good tacos.
- Okay, yeah, okay.
Bye Sophie.
- Alright guys, call me if you need anything.
- Alright, take it easy.
You like tacos? - Emily? - What? Did I tell you that I'm pregnant? - I know.
It's crazy 'cause I'm, like, 50.
- Oh, my this is a miracle of science! It really is.
Can I feel? - Sure, knock yourself out.
- (Laughs) Ohh.
- How about that? - I think I just felt it kick.
- You did not.
- I did! No, no, no, probably not.
- I definitely did.
.
Oh, my God.
Wait, is the dad that guy with one hand from New Year's Eve? - Sure.
Yeah.
How many hands are you gonna have, little fella? - Okay, that's not funny.
- Okay, but I'm kidding I'm not pregnant, Emily.
- What?! I'm, like, 50.
I don't even have my period anymore.
Well, I don't know.
There was a man on "Oprah" who had a baby.
- Anything's possible.
- Could I please use your stuffed armadillo as a stomach.
- It's a bedbug.
- How could I have ever made that mistake? Silly me.
- Rosemary, why are you doing this? - I think it's kind of a social experiment.
Mm-hmm? I mean, the pregnant woman in this society has been elevated to the level of a goddess, Emily, and I really wanna get a piece of it.
I want the attention and the back rubs - and the free food and the whole nine.
- Okay.
I mean, where's the harm in it, right? It's a bounty.
It's there for the taking.
Oh! I'm sorry I'm late oh, it was a morning from hell.
- My Manny was late.
- So who cares? You never hear me going on about kids and family trauma.
Yeah, well, that'd be kind of weird, Blair, - since you don't have kids.
- Actually, I have 4 girl 11, boy 8, two 3-year-old twins.
That is blowing my mind.
I have worked here for 12 years, - and I had no idea you had kids.
- Yeah, well, that's because I never bring my personal life into the office, Jane.
Hey, Jane.
You look pretty.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Hey, I gotta tell you, I'm looking forward to our big third date Friday night.
- How do you feel about Ethiopian food or do you prefer forks? - No, it's our first date.
No, no, no, no.
It's our third date.
There was that time we had coffee first date, and then and then the time we were trapped in the rainstorm on the way to the parking lot very wet, very cinematic.
I said, "isn't this romantic?" Or at least I thought it.
That was the second date, and then this will be the third.
- Oh, I I I didn't know those were counting.
- Oh, you gotta count 'em.
- Okay, uh, whoa.
So that's so it's our third date.
- Big three, yeah.
(Imitating Borat) Yeah, great success.
Wawa wee wa! (Laughs) Can you can you do that on my voice mail - so my Manny can hear it? - (Normal voice) Absolutely.
Yeah.
(Imitates Borat) That would be nice.
(Laughs) - (Normal voice) Does he like Borat? - No.
(Cell phone rings) (Beep) Hello? - Hello, this is Bill's teacher.
- What? - Can you come down here immediately, please? - I'm on it.
(Children screaming) (Children screaming) Liz? Liz? Liz.
Hello.
Liz? Liz, what is going on? H he's a monster.
- What? - Your son's a monster.
What are you talking about? That's right.
Your family doesn't believe in monsters.
And there's no Santa and there's no tooth fairy, and since you were born in America, there's no way you'll grow up to be a princess.
(Screaming) Oh, my God.
(Children continue screaming, loud clattering) What have I done? Yeah, my soul mate, such a beautiful spirit.
(Chuckles) The father of my unborn child.
And now he's dead.
Huh.
Oh, gosh.
So super dead.
And now this little creature right here, who loves his half caf, will never know that poor, dear, sweet, dead daddy.
- Did you said half caf? - What? Let me get that for ya.
Is that sweet? Total stranger.
Yeah.
Hey, let's make it caf caf.
Just this once couldn't hurt, right? And one of those silver commuter mugs.
Those are good for the environment.
Ooh.
Excuse me for a moment.
Oh my God.
Is it mine? - I don't know.
Is it? - I don't know.
Is it? I should have never bought condoms at the dollar store.
It's fake.
Okay, it's fake.
Feel it.
- Does that turn you on? - A little bit.
Mm.
Why you doing it? I'm doing a little social experiment, hanging out with my new preggy buds Gettin' some free stuff.
(Clears throat) I want in.
(Scoffs) Can you be cool? - I think so.
- Don't let me down.
Hey, everybody! Look who I found.
- This is Horatio, my stay-at-home-dad friend - (Woman) Aw.
And his baby Lark.
(Woman) Oh! (Woman chuckles) Here is the thing it's not f first date.
I just found out it's our third date.
Third date? That means sex, right? I mean, when I was dating, that meant sex.
Yeah, even when I was living in the Andes with the Zen masters, third date meant sex.
Plus, you got a goat.
Well, on our third date Jason and I made sweet love for the first time.
It was exactly 46 minutes long, which is the perfect duration for intercourse.
Okay, hey, I can't do this.
I'm not ready.
Well, Jane, do you not like sex? I mean, a lot of people don't like it, and asexual people can lead fulfilling lives.
You could pick up a craft.
Oh, yeah, that would be great.
The sexless neuter lad - that's a blast.
- Yeah, a lot of road rage and mall walking.
Hey, guys, I like sex, okay? And uh - people have even told me I'm very good at it.
- Oh.
Wow.
- Really? - If you must know.
Yeah, a lot of guys have said Okay, not a lot.
I mean, the right amount.
- Listen, Shep is cute.
- Yeah.
It's been 15 months.
Right, and when are you ever gonna have this time again? Yeah, I should do it.
When am I gonna have two hours even? You're not, so just do it.
You can do it, Jane.
- You can do it.
- Yes, yes, I can I do this.
Yes, I can! - Right, you can do it.
- Just go get down on it.
It's just like riding a bicycle, just without the seat.
Okay, thank you.
Very helpful.
I'm hanging up now.
(Beep) (Sighs) Is it irritating that I'm still here? So as you know, - the parents are really upset - Mm.
about the Bill incident.
We believe that we did the right thing by being honest with Bill.
- (Jason) Mm-hmm.
- You know, 'cause at the end of the day, only honest and truthful parents can raise honest and truthful kids.
- Listen to her.
That is so beautiful! Who said that? - (Laughs) Thank you.
Me! I did! Oh! Dr.
Phil.
I don't think you understand how bad this really was.
It was, um, it was the death of innocence.
(Clicks tongue) And your son was the lone gunman.
- Oh, no.
- Baby, what's going on? - You're not actually buying this, are you? - No.
- Why are you getting so upset? - Because it is.
It's she's right.
- That's that's enough.
Enough touching.
- It's the it's the death of innocence.
Okay, but our our our child was the lone gunman.
But we at home, we were together on this.
- What is going on? - Well, we were having sex! Okay? I would've backed you on anything, Emily.
(Sighs) Hey, listen, we agreed.
We said we'd tell the kids about Santa when they were 9.
- Well, I was in a situation! - No, you weren't.
No, you weren't.
You deviated from the plan.
Well, now you know how it felt when Esther took her first steps in front of you! Oh! You know what? She just did it.
You were in the bathroom.
What'd you want me to do? - Say, "no, don't take your " - You could've knocked her down and waited for me! - This isn't my fault.
This is not my - Oh, yeah.
Oh, no, I know nothing's your fault! - Indoor voices, please.
- Oh, I get it.
Oh, really? Okay.
Okay.
This is not my fault, okay? You deviated from the plan.
- And you know what? I'm gonna deviate, too.
- Oh, are you? - Yeah, Bill's playing pee wee football.
- Okay, great.
You know what? Meeting adjourned, all right? We all agree that I'm the worst mother in the world! How I I get out of this chair? (Scoffs) On mother's day, I'm gonna go to a movie all by myself and then cry myself to sleep! And then I'll go and get my tubes tied, and everyone will be happy! Thank you very much.
(Mika) sucking too hard on your lollipop oh, love's gonna get you down girl I said sucking too hard on your lollipop oh, love's gonna get you down sing it! sucking too hard on your lollipop oh, love's gonna get you down sucking too hard on your lollipop oh, love's gonna get you down say whoa, oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, lollipop say whoa, oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, lollipop sucking too hard on your lollipop oh, love's gonna get you down sucking too hard on your lollipop say whoa, oh, whoa, oh So what I do is, I go (Imitates Borat) it's nice (Normal voice) which is like (Czech accent) two wild and crazy guys (Normal voice) but I make it more nasally.
Great.
- So it's (Imitates Borat) Nice.
-(Imitates Borat) It's nice.
- (Normal voice) Yeah.
Perfect.
That's right.
It sounded great.
- (Normal voice) Oh, I don't know.
- You know what just happened? - What? - Third date just officially started.
Yep, just now.
- Really? Okay, good.
Everyone, listen.
Uh, I hate to spring this on all of you, but, uh, we just got word from the suits that we're gonna have to have that sexual harassment seminar - that we've all been dreading.
- What? How long could this take? (Man) Not long.
Uh, apparently, someone's ex-assistant interpreted a little light banter, some mild tussling and a little lingerie show as harassment.
So we've gotta do this now uh, tonight before the subpoena.
(Man) Hey, Betty.
You have something on the front of your sweater my eyes.
(Laughs) Okay.
Um, all right, situation 23 what should Betty's correct response be? Um, okay, uh, "a" "oh, Glenn, you are so funny.
" (Laughs) That'd be mine.
"B" "Glenn, you're a pig.
" Well, no.
Uh, or "c" she stays quiet and she sees her supervisor to file a report.
Well, that that is lame.
I I'm not making it up.
Honestly, where I come from, that would be considered a compliment.
Can we please move on? Okay, now I got away with it in '87, but that was a corporate thing, and you probably don't want to try it here, but I'm just gonna tell you - this attorney in Venezuela was amazing.
Okay, and we're done.
- Oh! Let's go.
And we're moving on to the discussion session.
Are you kidding me?! Blair, it is past 8:00.
I am sure no one has any questions.
Ah, yes, Mari Alice.
It's, uh, it's actually Rhoda.
Uh, and this isn't so much a question as it's a a personal story.
(Whispers) Why?! Um, there was this one time I was in the break room.
It was so crowded.
And a large man walked in.
Yes? And he pressed himself up against me at the food machine.
Oh.
Now I know he was going in for a candy bar (Sighs) But I'm not a stupid person.
- I know what he was doing.
- Hey.
- And this large man was enjoying himself.
- It's Fat Chris.
We all know you're talking about Fat Chris.
Okay, it's a small space, and it's happened to all of us.
Thank you for sharing.
That's it.
Let's go, guys.
- It's over.
Thank you.
- I have one more thing to say.
No.
Thank you.
Blair, come on.
Thank you so much.
So helpful.
You've really helped a lot of people today.
Thank you.
We get it.
We get it.
No sex talk in the work place.
(Blair) Well, we're all here.
Let's get a drink.
- Drop your pants.
- What? Shep, I have, like, 17 minutes before I lose my Manny.
So why don't we just third date right here? - (Imitates Borat) Nice.
Sexy time.
- Okay.
No Borat.
- No, of course not.
- No.
Mmm.
And then we can have a lingerie show.
I think there's some wine in my desk.
- Oh, my God.
- Wow, that is dirty.
- Okay.
Uhh! - You two are in serious breach of company policy.
Uh, technically, um, he's my supervisor, so I, uh, you should talk to him.
I've gotta go.
I'm sorry.
I had a really good time.
Me, too.
Aah.
Great third date.
That was what are you doing? - Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it.
- Um, stop it.
(All) Surprise! It's a baby shower? Presents! Yay! Aw, you guys! (Laughs) You really didn't have to, but I'm glad you did.
- What is this, a blue-ray DVD player?- I'm the pregnant one.
That's mine.
Give it! Put it down! Are you crazy?! - Put it down! - But I want it! (Gasps) (Gasps) (Chuckles nervously) Uh Hey, how's it going? (Chuckles) Mm.
How dare you lie to us like this? (Sighs) (Laughs) Okay, you guys, listen, I am really sorry.
You guys are such nice people, and I feel so bad.
I don't even really know why I did this now.
I just I I guess I was jealous.
You know, 15 years ago, when I was pregnant, and I was, I was in the Peace Corps, and we were in the Congo, and there were, like, no perks.
No prenatal massage, no cute little maternity tops.
I mean, it was like snakes and malaria, so it was a little bit different.
Do you know what I'm saying? So I think that I just kinda wanted to get a piece of what it is that you guys all take for granted.
Please don't hold it against me that I was in the Peace Corps or that I dated a guy that was in the Peace Corps.
Okay, that's fair.
And then I just ran out, so I don't even know how it ended.
Oh, I hope Shep didn't get fired, and I hope no one found my thong on the fax machine.
Well, you know, Jason and I had hours of the most amazing makeup sex and then a bunch of the regular sex, and during snack break, we came up with a plan - to make it up to the kids.
- Hey, guys, you think all this red's - washing me out a little bit? What do you guys think? - No, you look great! Oh, it's perfect.
Yay! What are you packing, dude? That looks fantastic.
This is 90% quilted poly-fiber and, uh, 10% chalupas.
That is nice.
Nice shape.
Oh, God! I miss being pregnant.
It just makes your legs look so skinny.
I know, right? Okay, so you know the drill, right? You're gonna get up - on that roof and then - Right, right, yeah, I got it.
I've dressed up like Santa a thousand times.
Some ladies are into that.
Uh, anyway how's this? (Deep voice) Ho ho ho! Yes! You know, no, I've seen it.
Do something new.
Mix it up.
Try like this.
(Nasally, singsong voice) Ho ho ho.
- (Esther) Mom, we're home! - Oh! Places, everyone! It's happening, people.
Let's go.
Places! Look at my little sister lying to her kids.
I know.
Now she's just a normal mom, - just like everybody else.
- Oh, don't ever say that.
Okay, hi, kids.
You know what? I've got some important news for you.
I was misinformed there really is a Santa Claus! Thank you, Rosemary! Rosemary, you just stole that precious moment from me.
What? Don't be petty, Emily.
Look how happy they are.
Hey, and, guys? Look outside.
- There's a surprise from aunt Jane! - (Horatio, deep voice) Ho ho ho! (Screams) (Thud) (Gasps) (Horatio groaning) No! So much blood! Mommy killed Santa.
Don't worry, kids.
That's not blood.
It's it's Christmas juice.