Inside Amy Schumer (2013) s01e01 Episode Script

Well, first of all, I want to thank you both for coming in here today for this little interview slash audition slash you're hired.
Flavia, we of course know each other from our last project, thank you so much for flying yourself in from Brazil.
And Amy, welcome.
Thank you.
How'd you find out about this little project? I saw it in a--an ad in a magazine.
It just said, "actress slash models for marketing viral video"? Yeah, yeah, that's our ad in "stage couch," fantastic.
Well, Flavia, I mean, this is gonna be a little old hat for you, but let me give Amy here a quick rundown.
In a nutshell, it's a marketing video.
We're calling it "two girls, one cup.
" And we're hoping it goes viral.
It opens on you and Flavia naked, kissing each other over some soft piano music.
Nothing too intense, just some light kissing.
Then Amy, you're gonna stand up and spread your cheeks and (bleep) into a cup.
Then both of you will lick the (bleep) out of the cup, spread it all over your faces and then kiss each other some more with (bleep) on your face.
Next, Flavia, you're gonna blow some bubbles with the (bleep).
And then Amy, you're gonna sit on a dildo while Flavia vomits the (bleep) into your mouth, then you vomit the (bleep) back into Flavia's mouth, then Flavia re-vomits that (bleep) one more time back into your mouth.
Yeah, that's it, the end.
Just one quick question.
Will we be using some sort of a CGI effect or, like, stage chocolate.
No, you'll be eating a full cup of real (bleep).
No fancy special effects here.
We're indie, you know, so it's super low budge.
Size-wise, are we talking a teacup? Is this, like, gonna be an art film? Like it might wind up in the moma? No.
But it's like commentary, it's kind of meta, you know, like that scene in "American Beauty" with the plastic bag.
No, I haven't seen that movie.
Well, the image, it's a plastic bag whirling around in the wind, it was kind of like-- Is it a bag of (bleep)? - No.
- Then no.
- Is it art? - It's scat porn.
It's basically the opposite of art.
You won't see our faces.
Oh, we will definitely see both your faces.
But they'll be, um, blurred, you know? The blur effect, or like a black bar when it's like, over our-- I mean, they'll have dark (bleep) on them.
There's gonna be (bleep) on our eyes? Will we be tested for diseases beforehand? No, we use the honor system here.
Flavia knows the drill.
Yeah, see.
You guys are gonna be viral video stars, huh? Who's ready? Yay! What do you say? Yeah.
I'll do it, I'll do it.
I definitely need more on-camera experience, so.
You're gonna get it right now.
There's one little hitch.
We need you to definitely lose some weight.
And I'm thinking, ballpark, three, five pounds.
That's a lot of weight.
Mainly in the face.
Maybe I'll just lose it the day of into the cup.
That's gross, Amy.
She's eating.
Sync && corrections by XhmikosR I'm a little sluttier than the average bear, I really am, little sluttier.
I can be honest about that.
Like, I'm no stranger to plan B, I'll say that.
I'm not like, what is that? Like, I know what it is.
It's the morning after pill.
You can take it the night before if you're feeling amped, you know? Just like, walk by a mirror, catch a glimpse of yourself in a new tube top, like, whoa! Pop.
You can do that.
You feel like such a dirty whore buying plan B, it is so embarrassing, 'cause it's over the counter but you have to ask your pharmacist and they know what you want, but they make you ask.
They're looking at me, I'm like, you see where my eyeliner is, just give it to me.
Staring contest.
What do you think, I'm here 'cause it's allergy season, really? All right, well.
Bye.
Bye.
Whew.
Here's the craziest thing about last night.
Like his body just-- it felt like home.
Dude, does this taste skunked to you? No.
What does he do? Okay, we did not get to that, but according to Google, like finance, maybe.
What'd you get into last night? Nothing.
Actually, I got kind of hammered.
God, I like, miss him.
I'm gonna text him.
Oh, you should wait.
No, the amazing thing is that we're not playing games.
Oh my God.
No idea who that is.
How hard is it to open a joint checking account? And this is for you and your husband? Husband? I guess, I guess.
I have a feeling.
Mm-hmm.
This is it.
This is my wedding cake.
This place is perfect.
Unless he's Jewish.
Whatever, it's my day, right? You know what? There's one more thing I'd like to take a look at.
You know what? I just-- I feel it.
I feel like Matt and I will just be at peace here.
Yeah.
God.
You know what? I'm gonna call my boo-boo, see what he's up to.
Hello? Hey.
Just at the cemetery, thinking boutcha.
What are you thinking for tonight? I'm literally down for whatever.
Who is this? Uh, it's Amy.
We--we hung out last night, I came back to your place.
Right, yeah.
Sorry, I think I'm gonna take a pass on us seeing each other again.
Did I wear a bag? What a dick! Ma'am, should I stop digging? Yeah.
Wait.
What's your name? My name's Charles.
Amy Charles.
Keep digging.
What is a good amount of time to wait to put out? It depends on what you want, I don't know-- What if you just want that dick? Have you ever had a one-night stand.
Yes, I have had a one-night stand.
I had like a one-afternoon stand and then I couldn't find him, but you know, yankee stadium is so big.
Have you ever had a one-night stand? Okay, have you ever not had a one-night stand? Have you ever almost died? Yeah, actually.
We made some kid, steal, like, a bottle of liquor and we got drunk and I made a bet, I said, first person that passes out gets stabbed.
And good thing I was around a bunch of good friends, 'cause I was the first one that passed out.
Are you high? Yeah, hell yeah.
What's the worst injury you ever had? Can, like, STDs be an injury? I think it can.
Yeah, yeah.
I felt excruciating pain.
Then I blacked out.
Then my brother said, "I can't feel my feet," and I blacked out.
I heard the stewardess coming and I blacked out.
I'm a huge Harry Potter fan and my wife surprised me with a trip to the local owl preserve.
I remember I was wearing my Ron Weasley wig and robe.
I stopped to make a pee-pee behind a tree and that's when I first heard them.
"Hoo-hoo.
" "Hoo-hoo.
" My brother and I were floating in a life raft.
We looked around and we just saw endless ocean and we knew we were alone.
We tried to calm each other down by singing "the sweater song.
" I looked at my brother and I said, "My God, I don't think anyone is coming.
" The first thing I noticed as I got on the plane was that they weren't using zoned seating and I'm platinum.
I should be on there before those other people.
I should be boarding zone one.
The owls had begun to circle around me.
At first, I thought it was magical.
Then they attacked.
Their beaks were like razorblades.
I screamed out for help, but nobody came.
They said my bag was too big and they made me check it like an animal, which means I had to hold my MacBook Air, my kindle fire and my iPad all in my lap, and then I remembered I forgot something.
My headphones.
My brother said there was only one way to survive.
We had to drink each other's pee.
My brother stood over me, but the boat was rocky and most of his pee went directly into my eyes and hair.
He started laughing and I got mad.
At the time, I didn't realize that it'd be the last time I'd ever hear my brother laugh.
Then they announced the in-flight movie.
"Zookeeper," with Kevin James.
When I woke up, I saw the owls were kind of laying around.
And they looked sort of sleepy and full.
That's when I realized, my arms were gone.
The owls had eaten my arms.
And then I pretty much knew that no one was coming for me.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
And I see the ranger shack.
All the rangers are standing outside and they see me and they're like, "dude, where's your arms?" And I'm like, "the owls ate them, I didn't even care, 'cause I was just so happy.
" So I'm trying to get into "Zookeeper," 'cause I'm a good sport and I order a glass of chardonnay.
And in a 9/11-like twist, they didn't have any.
They offered they offered me Pinot.
I said, "I don't want Pinot, " I said, "please just give me chardonnay, I know you guys have it, I know it's back there.
I'm platinum, like, I'm (bleep) platinum.
" I endured because my brother peed in my mouth.
I endured because the owls filled up on arms and didn't save any room for legs.
I endured because I wanted to bang my married ex and I did and he's divorced now.
Thank you.
- Where do you live? - Harlem.
- Whoa.
- Yes.
Uptown.
You look like you don't live in Harlem.
- What's your ethnicity? - West African.
Ooh, nice.
- The west is the best.
- It is.
What is yours? I'm kind of a Jew.
Oh, Jew, nice, shalom.
As-salam alaykum.
- Are you Asian? - I am.
I mean, you can't tell everyone.
No, with the glasses, I thought maybe you were just a little tired.
Those are nice, those are real nice.
Okay, I'm Bengi.
If you need any other sizes, you please let me know, all right? Okay.
There you go.
Thank you.
What's your name? Taffeta.
Okay.
Oh, this is a yes.
Yes.
Yeah.
Thanks for coming.
Hi, how are you? Did someone help you today? Yeah, um Hmm.
Who was it? You know, I don't--I don't see him.
Do you know what he looks like? Yeah, he is wearing like a-- like a vest, or like a plaid shirt, I feel like-- I don't know what everyone who works here wore today.
Um, he had short hair, so that'll probably do it.
Just that.
He's Black eye--black eyes? He has black eyes? Yeah, he had black eyes.
- So he has black pupils? - Yeah.
Are there any other distinguishing features? I would guess he probably voted for Obama.
- I know I did.
- What? Oh my God, that's him, that's definitely him.
- He doesn't work here.
- Okay.
You know what I just remembered? Nobody helped me.
So forget it.
Okay, we work on commission here, so if someone did help you, you should probably tell me.
Can I just, like, give you, like $10 and you just leave me alone? Darren, Bengi, Debri, Kaching, get in here, please.
Kaching? Thank you.
That's him.
You really can't tell us apart? Whatever, Taffeta.
Your name says Amy on your card.
Yeah.
It would, I was in the witness-- I witnessed, uh You were in the witness? - Protection program? - Protection--program.
And you just told me that? - Hey.
- Hi.
- Did someone help you today? - Yeah, the Asian over there.
Okay, great.
- So, Shelby, you are a model.
- Yes.
And an all-around gorgeous girl, let's be real about it.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Physically, on a scale of one to ten, where do you think you rank? - Physically.
- Physically? I would say a seven.
- Really? - Yeah.
That's so sad, because I think I'm a seven.
Do you feel like you get what you want more than other people? Yes.
That's not fair.
Yeah, but I mean, you know, a lot of (bleep) not fair.
Did they ever pay you to be at a club, just like, we want beautiful people here? No, but you get, like, the really nice dinner and free booze.
They'll be like, come here, we'll buy you dinner and free booze.
Mm-hmm.
Wow.
They charge me double.
Should I be offended by that? Umm, let's see.
Oh, um Sorry, our sound guy is probably masturbating.
Thanks, Matt.
Like, have you been around other models where you're like, oh (bleep).
Yes.
Victoria Secret girls.
Have you done that show? No, my boobs are too big.
No one feels bad for you.
No.
- What are male models like? - Shirks.
Are you attracted to models but you just know not to mess with them? Yeah, I mean, of course, you're like, yeah, take your shirt off.
Honestly, they're so out of my reach that they don't even register as sexual to me.
No, but the thing is, they're, for the most part, the young guys are pretty gullible so I will always just text them, "send a dick pic.
" "Send me your abs," and they do it.
I have to be honest, Shelby, I don't enjoy a dick pic.
- I don't know why.
- I think it's hilarious.
Yeah, it's hilarious, but you're not like, "oh my God, look at this dick, I wish it were in my body.
" You just do it to (bleep) with them.
Yeah, exactly, getting back at them.
Are you hungry? I'm like, commercial, so I'm healthy.
There's definitely those moments, like, when you're doing the fashion week cleanse.
What's that? You just drink cayenne pepper and sugar and then you have to do the saltwater cleanse.
You shoot saltwater in your ass? You drink saltwater.
- And then you (bleep) it out.
- (Bleep), yeah.
Nonstop.
What if you (bleep) on the runway? If I was doing it, I can't leave the house for the day.
Or you might become the most famous model ever.
No one's ever (bleep) on my face, that surprises a lot of people.
I never caught one up top as they say in the biz.
Again, I'm not against it.
I'm not for it, I'll never be, like, picketing with a sign with an arrow toward my head, but-- but no one's ever gone for it.
I don't know what I would do if I'm, like, my boyfriend went for it.
My guess is I'd be like, "No, my dad loved me!" Like, that kind of a-- a maneuver like, "ahh!" Or maybe I would do something adorable, like, pull out a tiny umbrella and, like, not on my watch! And walk out twirling it and kicking.
This is what it would look like.
This is what it looks like, okay, if you-- if you (bleep) on your girlfriend's face, like, your normal girlfriend without having a talk first.
This is the best-case scenario, okay? Best-case scenario.
You do it and she goes, "oh, okay, okay.
Yeah.
Are you still going? Did you eat something different? What are you doing? No, I'm not mad, but get me something, get me something.
You want me to Stevie Wonder my way to the bathroom? Give me a-- is this your underwear? Go get a towel, wet a towel! Idiot.
" That's the best-case scenario.
And trust me, she's not gonna shock you.
She's not gonna be like, "yes! "Finally! Finally--" no.
Excuse me.
It's like, kind of iconic, this bag's in the wind, it's, like, going in a circle, - it symbolizes-- - Is it a bag of (bleep)? (bleep) It's so easy.
Sync && corrections by XhmikosR