Inside Comedy (2012) s01e01 Episode Script

[music.]
- SO DON, MR.
POTATO HEAD, YOU'RE MR.
POTATO HEAD.
- THAT'S CORRECT.
- [laughs.]
- EH? - SO TELL ME-- - 1-0, YOUR FAVOR.
- TELL ME ABOUT BEING MR.
POTATO HEAD.
- MR.
POTATO HEAD IS A GREAT DEAL OF FUN BECAUSE IT GIVES YOU A GREAT DEAL OF MONEY.
- YES.
- AND MY GRANDCHILDREN ONLY KNOW--I BROKE MY NECK IN THIS BUSINESS AND ONLY IT'S "POP-POP'S MR.
POTATO HEAD.
" - YEAH.
- ANYTHING ELSE THEY DON'T KNOW ABOUT.
- RIGHT.
- BUT IT'S A FUN THING TO DO.
- YOU KNOW, BECAUSE THERE'S NO MAKE UP, NOTHING.
YOU SIT IN THE BOOTH LIKE A MORON, YOU KNOW.
AND THEN JOHN LASSITER SAYS "IF THE DUCK FEELS SICK, IS THE SWAN OKAY? HOW IS THE MONKEY?" I SAID "LEAVE ME ALONE, IT'S 6:30--I WANNA GO HOME.
"I DON'T CARE HOW THE DUCK IS, "HOW THE SWAN IS, "JUST TELL ME WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY.
"I DON'T CARE ABOUT THESE ANIMALS, LEAVE ME ALONE.
" - RIGHT.
- BECAUSE THEY TAKE IT VERY SERIOUSLY.
- OF COURSE.
- BUT IT'S PAID OFF.
IT'S BEEN A LOT OF FUN.
- YEAH.
SO JOHN LASSITER, HE BELIEVES THESE ANIMALS ARE REAL.
YOU CAN'T ACCEPT THAT, YOU JUST WANT TO GO HOME ALL THE TIME, HUH? - WELL, I WANT TO GO HOME IN ANYTHING.
- [laughs.]
YES.
- I MEAN, I LOVE THIS BUSINESS BUT, YOU KNOW.
I DID A PICTURE CALLED CASINO.
- YES.
- AND THEY GOT BOOMS AND HANDHELDS, YOU KNOW, UP YOUR NOSE, DOWN UNDER YOUR ARMPITS-- - YES.
- YOU KNOW, SCORSESE HAS EVERY TYPE OF THING.
I MEAN THEY GO "ROLL 'EM!" AND I'M TALKING LIKE I ALWAYS DO ON A STAGE, YOU KNOW, ALL OF US FROM STANDUP STUFF ALWAYS GO "HOW'S YOUR MOTHER, HOW'S YOUR FATHER!" - RIGHT.
- AND IT TOOK ME YEARS TO KNOW IN THE MOVIES YOU GOTTA GO [softly.]
"HOW'S YOUR MOTHER, HOW'S YOUR FATHER?" I BECAME A WHISPERER.
- RIGHT.
- SO NOW I'M WORKING WITH DE NIRO, THEY GO "ROLL 'EM!" AND I GO, "LISTEN--" HIS NAME WAS TONY.
WHATEVER THE HELL IT IS.
- RIGHT.
- "TONY, WHERE ARE THE GUNS, WHERE ARE THE GUNS?" - "WELL, THE GUNS ARE IN THE CORNER, [mumbling.]
- [laughs.]
- AND I SAID "HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
"SCORSESE, I'M WALKING, I DON'T NEED THIS.
"I MAKE MONEY IN VEGAS, I'M WALKING NOW.
"THE MAN IS A MUMBLER, I DON'T UNDERSTAND "WHAT THE HELL HE'S TALKING ABOUT.
AND I DON'T NEED THIS.
" THEN HE SAID, "YOU CAN'T SAY NOTHING TO DE NIRO.
" YOU KNOW.
- RIGHT.
- "DON'T DO DE NIRO, YOU CAN'T DO ANY JOKES.
" WHAT COULD HE DO TO ME? I'M 83, WHAT IS HE GONNA DO? TAKE MY NAME AND DEPORT ME? WHAT IS HE GONNA DO? - [laughs.]
YES.
- YOU KNOW.
THEN THE THIRD DAY WE WERE DRINKING TEQUILA IN THE TRAILER AND HE WAS GOING "YOU KNOW, DON, [gulps.]
IT'S SO GREAT TO BE WITH YOU.
[mumbles.]
BUT THE GUY IS A MUMBLER.
- HE MUMBLES IN REAL LIFE? - WELL, YEAH.
- YES.
- AND WHEN YOU GO TO A RESTAURANT HE WANTS TO EAT UNDER THE TABLE.
WHERE NOBODY SEES HIM.
- OH, HE DOESN'T WANT-- - I GOT A CAREER, I'M TRYING TO GET HOT-- HOT IN THIS BUSINESS.
AND HE'S UNDER THE TABLE.
"PASS THE BUTTER.
" YOU KNOW, I SAID, "WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? THAT'S THE WAY HE IS.
- [laughs.]
- GREAT ACTOR, BUT YOU KNOW, HE'S GOT A PROBLEM.
[acoustic guitar music.]
[music.]
- COMEDIANS AS THEY AGE, I THINK, REALLY STRUGGLE BECAUSE SO MUCH OF COMEDY REQUIRES PHYSICAL FORCE.
- YES, YES.
- RIGHT? - AND YOU LOOK AT RICKLES' DNA AS A 80-WHATEVER YEAR OLD MAN-- - 84 YEARS OLD.
- YEAH.
- NOT IN GOOD SHAPE.
- NO.
- THEY DON'T--THERE WAS NO ELLIPTICAL MACHINES.
- NO, NO [indistinct.]
.
- AT THE SAHARA.
- RIGHT.
- RIGHT? - RIGHT.
- IN THE '60s.
- EXACTLY.
- RIGHT? AND HE HAS THE SAME ENERGY-- - YES.
- SO THAT IS SOME CRAZY DNA IN THERE.
- WELL, AT THE EVENT FOR NEWHART THAT WE DID, HE WALKS ONSTAGE.
POSTURE CHANGES.
- MM-HMM, YEAH.
- AND HE'S LIKE A BULLFIGHTER.
- RIGHT.
- AND HE IS THE SAME ENERGY-- - MM-HMM.
- VERBAL ENERGY.
- YEAH, YEAH.
- EXACTLY RIGHT, THAT IS MIRACULOUS.
- IT'S MIRACULOUS FOR SOMEONE THAT AGE.
- YES, RIGHT.
- SO ANYWAY, SO I GO TO SEE HIM AT TOWN HALL.
- YEAH.
- WITH CHRIS ROCK, WHO HAD NEVER SEEN HIM IN PERSON.
AND THIS IS A YEAR AGO, YOU KNOW.
SO WE'RE NOT IN HIS PRIME, BUT YOU'VE GOTTA SEE HIM-- IF YOU CAN SEE HIM WE'VE GOTTA GO SEE HIM.
SO WE GO TO SEE HIM AND, UM, SO AFTER THE SHOW THEY SET UP A CHAIR BACKSTAGE-- THIS HORRIBLE, YOU KNOW, NOT EVEN A REAL BACKSTAGE AREA.
THEY JUST PUT A CHAIR ON THE GROUND AND EVERYONE STANDS THERE AND WE WAIT FOR DON TO COME OUT.
AND YOU WAIT, LIKE, 40 MINUTES.
- MM-HMM, YES.
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING BACK THERE.
- I DON'T KNOW, HE'S SHOWERING-- - YEAH.
- COMES OUT WITH THE TOWEL, IT'S THE OLD TRADITION YOU HAD TO DO AT NIGHTCLUBS.
- YEAH.
WHEN I'M FINISHED-- WHEN I FINISH MY SHOW, I CAN TALK TO YOU TEN SECONDS AFTER I'M DONE.
- OF COURSE.
- IF YOU NEED ME.
- YEAH.
- I'M RIGHT THERE.
I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING.
- I'M THE SAME WAY.
- [laughs.]
- YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT--RIGHT.
- 40 MINUTES AND HE SITS DOWN IN THE CHAIR AND THEN WE ALL STOOD THERE AND THEN HE JUST INSULTED US ALL FOR ANOTHER 20 MINUTES.
- YES, AND YOU'RE LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY-- - YEAH, YEAH.
- 'CAUSE IT'S SO FUNNY.
- SO THIS IS ANOTHER FAVORITE STORY OF MINE WHEN I--BEFORE I WAS KNOWN, REALLY, UM, I WENT TO SEE HIM IN VEGAS.
AND SO THEY GAVE HIM A NOTE THAT I WAS IN THE AUDIENCE AND HE WENT UP ON STAGE AND SO FAR THIS IS THE FARTHEST FROM MY NAME THAT ANYONE'S EVER GOTTEN IN TERMS OF MISPRONOUNCING IT.
- [laughs.]
- HE SAID "WE HAVE GEORGE STANBERRY IN THE AUDIENCE.
" [laughter.]
AND THEN HE INSULTED ME AND-- - INSULTED YOU FOREVER.
- [laughs.]
YEAH.
- YEAH, I MEAN, YOU KNOW, HE IS REMARKABLE.
THE ANTENNA HE HAS-- - MM-HMM.
- FOR WHAT HE CAN SAY TO YOU.
AND HE IMPROVISES ALL THE TIME.
- BUT WHAT I THINK IT IS, I MEAN, IF THERE'S A PURE WHITE LIGHT OF COMIC ENERGY-- - YES.
- THAT'S IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? BECAUSE IT'S--THERE'S NO REAL STRUCTURE TO IT, BUT IT'S SO PURELY FUNNY.
THAT'S WHY HE'S SUCH A SPECIAL COMEDIAN TO ME.
- SPECIAL COMEDIAN, YEAH.
- REALLY SPECIAL.
- YEAH, TO ME TOO.
- YEAH.
[upbeat violin music.]
[music.]
- NOW WHEN YOU STARTED OUT IN THE LOUNGES, RIGHT, DID YOU IMMEDIATELY START TO TALK TO THE AUDIENCE WHEN YOU WERE IN THE LOUNGE? - WELL, THAT'S HOW I GOT TO DO WHAT I DO.
I USED TO DO IMPRESSIONS BADLY, LIKE A MILLION OTHER STANDUP GUYS.
I DON'T KNOW, DID YOU DO IMPRESSIONS? - NO, I HAVE NO RANGE WHATSOEVER.
- THAT'S WHY YOU'RE DOING THIS.
- YES, EXACTLY.
[laughter.]
- ANYWAY, THIS WILL HELP YOU A LOT.
- OKAY.
WHO DID YOU DO? LIKE, WOULD YOU DO CLARK GABLE? - OH, I USED TO DO THAT, YEAH.
- DIVE, DIVE, DIVE, I DID ALL THAT STUFF.
- THAT'S GOOD, THAT'S GOOD.
- OH, YEAH, THANKS A LOT.
- OKAY.
[laughter.]
- ANYWAY AND I COULD NEVER TELL A JOKE, I REALLY COULDN'T.
- YES.
- THAT'S HOW I STARTED TALKING TO THE AUDIENCE.
- AND SO WHAT CHANGED? HOW DID YOU GET OUT OF, UH, LOUNGES INTO-- - FAME, FAME.
- FAME.
- WELL, A LOT OF TALK STARTED, ALL THE ACTORS AND THE ACTRESSES-- - EVERYONE WANTED TO COME.
- YEAH, CAME TO SEE ME AT THE SHOWS.
- AND ALL THE-- - IT WAS DIFFERENT IN THOSE DAYS.
NOBODY ELSE EVER DID WHAT I DO.
AND TO THIS DAY THERE ARE SOME GUYS THAT TRY TO DO THAT AND MORE POWER TO THEM BUT IT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU REHEARSE, IT'S BY PERSONALITY.
- RIGHT.
- THE ABILITY TO BE SARCASTIC.
AND NOT MEAN-SPIRITED, I'VE NEVER BEEN MEAN-SPIRITED.
- NO, YOU NEVER HAVE, THAT IS A FACT.
- AND I'M VERY GRATEFUL FOR THAT.
AND IT'S ALL A GIMMICK KIND OF THING AND MY OPENING SHOW THERE'S ALWAYS A BASIC BEGINNING, MIDDLE AND ENDING.
BUT EVERY TIME I OPEN I NEVER KNOW REALLY WHAT I'M GONNA EXACTLY SAY.
- MM-HMM.
- I KNOW THAT THE FRAMEWORK IS THERE, HOW I WALK OUT AND HOW I WALK TO A CERTAIN PLACE.
AND HOW I TURN TO THE BAND AND BEGIN.
BUT I NEVER REALLY KNOW, WHICH MAKES IT KIND OF, UH, INTERESTING-- A LITTLE EXCITING FOR ME BECAUSE THANK GOD IT'S ALWAYS WORKED.
I JUST--OH, SURE THERE'S SOME STANDARD THINGS I SAY, YOU KNOW, LIKE SOMEBODY SAID, YOU KNOW, "DO YOU MAKE UP EVERYTHING?" IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO MAKE UP AN HOUR-- - NO, BUT YOU'RE STILL IMPROVISING MORE THAN MOST COMEDIANS.
- A LOT--A LOT OF IMPROVISATION.
- YOU KNOW, IN THE LOUNGES WHEN HE WORKED IN THE LOUNGES IN THE '60s, HIS SHOW WOULD START AT 12:00 AT NIGHT, AND HE'D DO FIVE SHOWS.
- [laughs.]
- FROM 12:00 UNTIL 6:00 IN THE MORNING.
AND THAT WAS HIS-- THAT'S WHAT HE-- - HOW LONG IS A SET? - 45 MINUTES.
- FIVE SHOWS.
- FIVE SHOWS FROM MIDNIGHT ON I THINK IS WHAT HE SAID, AND THAT WAS WHEN YOU'RE ALLOWED TO GO IN THE LOUNGES.
'CAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT YOU KEEPING PEOPLE FROM GAMBLING TOO MUCH.
- RIGHT.
- AND IT IS AMAZING WHEN YOU LEARN HOW TO DO SOMETHING AND YOU STAY WITH IT.
- MM-HMM.
- I MEAN, THAT HE STAYED WITH STANDUP COMEDY.
LIKE NEWHART ALWAYS HAD THE TELEVISION SHOWS.
- RIGHT.
- AND HE FELT THAT HE NEVER-- HE NEVER HAD A SITCOM THAT WORKED.
- WELL, THERE'S NOTHING BETTER FOR A COMEDIAN THAN BEING HEMMED IN.
- YES.
- AND HAVING-- BEING CLOSED OFF, SHUT OUT.
- CORRECT.
- NOT WELCOME.
- I AGREE WITH YOU.
- THAT'S NUTRITION, RIGHT? - THAT IS NUTRITION.
- THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT AS A COMEDIAN.
ACCEPTANCE IS A VERY DANGEROUS THING FOR COMEDIANS.
- YES, IT IS.
- BECAUSE YOUR ENERGY STARTS GOING IN LOTS OF DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS.
OH, THEY LIKE ME HERE AND THEY WANT ME THERE.
AND THAT ISN'T WHAT'S-- STANDUP IS A LOUD DESPERATION, YOU KNOW? - YES, YES, RIGHT.
- IF PEOPLE LIVE LIVES OF QUIET DESPERATION, THIS IS A LIFE OF LOUD DESPERATION.
- NOISY DESPERATION.
- NOISY DESPERATION.
THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
- [laughs.]
THAT'S WHAT COMEDIANS DO, IT'S TRUE.
- SO WHEN I FINISHED MY TV SERIES-- - BIG STAR AND VERY SUCCESSFUL.
- MM-HMM.
- SO YOU HAVE A LOT OF SUCCESS.
- I HAD SUCCESS AND I HAD A LOT OF OPEN DOORS.
- MM-HMM.
- AND I SAW THIS AS A VERY DANGEROUS THING.
AND SO I LEFT L.
A.
AND I TRIED TO BREAK BACK INTO THE MIDDLE.
- YEAH.
- AFTER BEING ON TOP.
I SAID I GOTTA BREAK BACK INTO THE MIDDLE.
- BY GOING ON THE ROAD AND WORKING IT.
- YEAH, AND THAT'S REALLY BEEN, UH, LIKE, IT'S MADE ME FEEL COMFORTABLE.
- SURE.
- TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, I NEVER FELT GREAT BEING, YOU KNOW, AT THAT PINNACLE-- THERE WAS A POINT WHERE THE SHOW WAS REALLY AT A VERY HIGH LEVEL OF, YOU KNOW, IT WAS A THING, IT WAS THE THING FOR A PERIOD OF TIME.
- YES.
- AND I JUST THOUGHT, "THIS IS NOT GOOD.
" - [laughs.]
- YOU KNOW? THIS IS NOT WHERE I BELONG.
- YEAH.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? - THAT'S SO INTERESTING.
- THIS IS NOT COMEDY.
- RIGHT.
- I ALWAYS THOUGHT COMEDY AND STAR ARE MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE.
- YEAH, YEAH.
- THERE'S NO COMEDY STAR.
YOU'RE EITHER A STAR OR YOU'RE A COMIC.
- YEAH.
YOU KNOW, WE TALKED ABOUT YOUR FIRST TONIGHT SHOW.
AND IT WAS LIKE A SEMINAL THING FOR YOU.
IT WAS, LIKE, THE BIGGEST THING, RIGHT? - MM-HMM.
- AND WHAT DID YOU DO? WHAT KIND OF MATERIAL DID YOU--DO YOU REMEMBER? - YEAH, I DO-- I REMEMBER EVERYTHING.
UM I ACTUALLY HAD A SIMILAR EXPERIENCE RECENTLY.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I WAS ASKED TO PERFORM AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
- MM-HMM.
- THEY WERE HONORING PAUL MCCARTNEY AND THEY-- I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW I GOT THERE.
AND THAT'S ALL I KEPT THINKING THE WHOLE TIME IS "WHY AM I HERE?" - UH-HUH.
- YOU KNOW? AND GETTING UP ON STAGE IN THE EAST ROOM OF THE WHITE HOUSE AND PERFORMING FOR THE PRESIDENT AND PAUL MCCARTNEY FELT LIKE MY FIRST TONIGHT SHOW.
I HAVEN'T FELT LIKE THAT-- - SCARED.
- SCARED AND "GEE, I HOPE I DON'T DUMP THIS ONE.
" - YEAH, YES, RIGHT.
- I HAVEN'T FELT THAT AND IT WAS REALLY INTERESTING.
IT'S-- THE TONIGHT SHOW WAS '81, SO IT'S, YOU KNOW, WE'RE 30 YEARS LATER.
- AND THAT FEELING STILL COMES BACK FROM TIME TO TIME OF-- - NOT--NOT LIKE THAT.
- NOT LIKE THAT, RIGHT.
- THAT WAS THE ONLY TIME I EVER FELT LIKE THAT.
I MEAN, LIKE, THAT WAS REALLY, YOU KNOW, YOU FEEL ELECTRIFIED.
- SURE.
- YEAH, AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY.
- NO, NO, NO! NO, BEFOREHAND-- - THE BAD ELECTRIFIED.
- YEAH, BAD-- - YEAH.
- BEFORE A SHOW YOU'RE ALWAYS THINKING OF EVERYTHING THAT COULD GO WRONG.
YOU'RE HOPING THAT NOTHING GOES WRONG.
- YEAH.
- BUT YOU KNOW THAT THERE'S EVERY POSSIBILITY THAT WHAT I HAVE DONE THAT HAS WORKED EVERYWHERE-- - RIGHT.
- MIGHT NOT WORK IN THIS-- IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
- WELL, I WROTE A MONOLOGUE FOR IT.
- OH, YOU DID? OH, THAT'S EVEN SCARIER.
- AND EVERYBODY ELSE IS GETTING--EVERYBODY GETS UP AND THEY DO A BEATLES SONG.
- YES.
- SO AFTERWARDS I'M TALKING WITH PAUL MCCARTNEY, HE SAYS, "YOU KNOW, YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE WHO HAD ANYTHING AT STAKE TONIGHT.
" - YEAH.
- I SAID, "YEAH, I KNOW.
" - HOW SMART OF HIM TO KNOW THAT--HOW TRUE.
- YEAH, IT WAS TRULY TERRIFYING.
EVERYBODY ELSE IS HAVING A BLAST.
- SURE.
- "HEY, I'M GONNA SING LONG AND WINDING ROAD, WHAT COULD GO WRONG?" YOU KNOW? - [laughs.]
- BUT I DON'T LIKE TO COMPLAIN BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS, IT'S THE MOST INTIMATE PERFORMANCE I THINK THAT THERE IS.
- STANDUP.
- STANDUP.
- YEAH.
- THAT RELATIONSHIP, WHEN IT'S LOCKED IN IS SO, UH, INTENSE.
- YEAH.
- AND RICH.
THAT ALL OF THE NEGATIVE THINGS ABOUT COMEDY THAT PEOPLE SAY-- HOW DIFFICULT IT IS, HOW HUMILIATING IT CAN BE.
THEY'RE NEVER RECOGNIZED, COMEDY MOVIES, ALL THAT STUFF.
I EMBRACE ALL THAT.
- YES.
- BECAUSE I THINK THE LEDGER STILL TIPS IN OUR FAVOR.
- I COULDN'T AGREE WITH YOU MORE.
- YOU GET SO MUCH.
- YOU GET SO MUCH FROM IT.
- YES.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
- AND YOU'RE ALSO, UM, SO MUCH MORE IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE AND YOUR DESTINY AND YOUR ART.
- YEAH.
- THAN ANYBODY ELSE IS.
- YES.
- AND SO DID THE SHOW GO WELL AT THE WHITE HOUSE? - IT DID, IT DID.
IT WAS A HUGE THRILL.
[cheers and applause.]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THANK YOU.
AHEM.
MR.
PRESIDENT, FIRST LADY SIR PAUL MCCARTNEY OTHER PEOPLE.
SIR PAUL, YOU HAVE WRITTEN SOME OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MUSIC EVER HEARD BY HUMANS IN THIS WORLD.
AND YET, SOME OF THE LYRICS AND SOME OF THE SONGS, AS THEY GO BY, YOU CAN MAKE ONE UNSURE, EVEN CONCERNED SOMETIMES ABOUT WHAT EXACTLY IS HAPPENING IN THIS SONG.
SONGS SUCH AS I SAW HER STANDING THERE.
AND I QUOTE, "SHE WAS JUST 17, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
" [cheers and applause.]
I'M NOT SURE I DO KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, SIR PAUL.
I THINK I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
[laughter.]
[acoustic guitar music.]
- TELL ME ABOUT THE INAUGURATION IN WASHINGTON.
- OH, YEAH, YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT, YEAH.
THAT WAS, I THINK, THAT WAS REALLY ONE OF THE HIGHLIGHTS OF MY LIFE, REALLY.
WHAT HAPPENED WAS, SINATRA SAID "LISTEN, DON, I WANT YOU TO COME TO WASHINGTON WITH RONALD REAGAN WHERE YOU'RE GONNA PERFORM AT HIS INAUGURAL.
" I SAID, "FRANK, YOU HAD "A LITTLE BIT OF THE SCOTCH AGAIN, COME ON.
" YOU KNOW? "OH, NO, NO, DON'T GIVE ME THE JOKES.
"THERE'S NO SCOTCH.
YOU'RE DOING THE SHOW WITH ME.
YOU, ME AND DEAN.
" AND A FEW OTHER PEOPLE-- THEIR NAMES I FORGET.
ANYWAY, I SAID, "JEEZ.
" "JUST PACK A BAG AND COME.
" FAST-FORWARD I GOT TO WASHINGTON, AND HE GETS A CALL FROM THE, UH, CABINET.
"WELL, FRANK, UH, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA HAVE?" "I HAVE DON RICKLES.
" "OH, DON RICKLES, WHAT ARE YOU CRAZY? DON RICKLES?" HE SAID, "WELL IF YOU DON'T HAVE RICKLES, YOU DON'T HAVE ME.
" I'LL NEVER FORGET HIM FOR THAT.
- REALLY? THAT'S GREAT.
- YEAH.
IT TOUCHED ME.
- YEAH.
- "SO WHAT IS HE GONNA SAY?" HE SAID, "WHATEVER HE WANTS.
" 'CAUSE FRANK TRUSTED ME, HE DID.
- THAT'S GREAT.
- AND IT WAS GREAT.
SO NOW WE GO IN THE DRESSING ROOM AND WE'RE READY TO DO THE SHOW.
FRANK SAYS "NOW GUYS, THERE'S NO DRINKING NOW.
NO DRINKING UNTIL AFTER THE SHOW.
" AND DEAN SAYS, "YOU GOT IT, PALLY.
DON AND I ARE NOT GONNA TOUCH IT, DON'T YOU WORRY.
" AND FRANK WALKED OUT OF THE ROOM AND DEAN HAD A POCKET FULL OF SCOTCH, VODKA-- - SCOTCH, VODKA, WHATEVER HE WANTS.
- LIKE A BAR INSIDE HIS COAT.
- [laughs.]
- ANYWAY, I DID THE SHOW.
AND IT REALLY WENT GREAT FOR ME.
GOOD EVENING, MR.
PRESIDENT.
NICE TO SEE YOU, SIR, AND YOUR LOVELY WIFE NANCY.
IT'S A BIG TREAT FOR ME TO FLY ALL THE WAY FROM CALIFORNIA TO BE HERE FOR THIS KIND OF MONEY.
[drops microphone.]
[laughter.]
NICE TO SEE YOU, SECRETARY SCHULTZ.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN TOWN? ANYWAY, UH [laughter.]
HE'S SITTING THERE LIKE THERE'S NOTHING GOING ON.
GET BUSY! GO OVER TO THE EMBASSY, HAVE A BUCKET OF BELUGA.
IS THIS TOO FAST, RONNIE? ANYWAY, UH HE'S SITTING THERE LOOKING AT THE PROGRAM GOING, "WHERE IS IT SAYING HE MAKES FUN OF ME? WHERE DOES IT SAY THAT?" IT'S ONLY A JOKE, MRS.
REAGAN.
[laughs.]
[gasps.]
[laughter.]
THEY GOT REAL GUNS.
AND I SAID THINGS THAT NOBODY EVER HEARD OF BEFORE.
YOU KNOW.
- YEAH.
- I WENT, "MR.
PRESIDENT, THERE'S NO NAPPING WHEN I TALK.
" - OH, GREAT.
- RIOTS LIKE THAT.
- RIGHT, I REMEMBER.
- AND BILLY GRAHAM WAS SITTING IN THE FRONT.
I SAID "DR.
GRAHAM, THIS HAND IS DANCING.
PLEASE COULD YOU DO SOMETHING?" - [laughs.]
COULD YOU STOP IT? - "SAY A FEW WORDS, ANYTHING--MAKE IT STOP.
" YOU KNOW, I HAD A CABINET FULL.
- RIGHT.
- AND REAGAN'S SITTING THERE LAUGHING LIKE CRAZY.
- BUT SEE, PEOPLE REALIZED THAT YOU COULD PLAY TO A WIDE AUDIENCE.
- YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
WELL, FRANK GAVE ME THE FIRST-- THAT'S RIGHT, YOU KNEW ABOUT THAT.
- RIGHT, YEAH.
- THAT'S THE FIRST TIME I PLAYED BIG THEATERS AND BIG ARENAS WHEN FRANK-- YOU KNOW.
- CHANGED EVERYTHING.
- YEAH.
- THAT'S GREAT.
- IT REALLY DID.
'CAUSE I WAS WITH FRANK FOR 2 1/2 YEARS, THE LAST TWO YEARS OF HIS WORKING LIFE.
AND I USED TO TELL HIM, YOU KNOW-- I USED TO WALK OUT AND SAY "YOU'RE GONNA SEE HIM IN A LITTLE WHILE.
" GONE.
- [laughs.]
FRANK.
IS GONE.
- IT'S GONE, YEAH.
HE DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING SO I GOTTA KILL TIME.
- RIGHT.
- IT'S OVER.
- AND HE'D SAY "WHY'D YOU SAY THAT, HUH?" I WAS THE ONLY GUY THAT WE COULD SIT IN A CONVERSATION WITH SINATRA AND I WOULD TURN AROUND-- 'CAUSE WE WERE IN EUROPE TOGETHER AND SO FORTH.
HE'D SAY, "YOU KNOW WHAT--" I SAID "FRANK, I'M TALKING.
" - [laughs.]
THAT'S GREAT, THAT'S GOOD.
- "NOW IF YOU DO IT AGAIN I WALK, I DON'T NEED THIS.
[laughter.]
- WE'RE SITTING IN THE LOUIS HOTEL IN MONTE CARLO.
- MM-HMM.
- JUST JILLY, MYSELF AND FRANK ARE GONNA HAVE A COUPLE DRINKS.
IT'S FIVE IN THE MORNING AND WE'RE SITTING THERE.
FRANK'S THERE--A STORM COMES.
BIG BAY WINDOWS, KA-BOOM! LIGHTNING BA-BOOM! AND WE'RE IN TUXEDOS, YOU KNOW.
AND WE'RE DRINKING-- FRANK LOOKS OVER AND HE SAYS, YOU SEE THOSE GUYS OUTSIDE TAKING MY PICTURE? I SAID "WHAT PICTURE?" "WELL, YOU SEE THE CAMERAS GOING.
" BA-BOOM! THE LIGHTNING.
- [laughs.]
- BA-BOOM! HE SAYS "I WANT YOU AND JILLY TO GO OUT THERE AND TELL THEM "SON OF A BITCHES I'M GONNA SEND SOME GUYS OUT "AND BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF THEM.
I WANT IT STOPPED NOW.
" I SAID "BUT FRANK--" "GET OUT THERE!" JILLY AND I-- BA-BOOM! AND WE'RE OUT IN THE SOAKING RAIN LOOKING-- - JUST TALKING.
- YEAH, STANDING THERE TALKING TO NOBODY.
ALL RIGHT YOU GUYS, BACK UP, DON'T TAKE ANY MORE PICTURES! [laughter.]
- TRUE STORY.
- THAT'S A GREAT STORY.
- TRUE STORY.
- SO YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE FOR A LOT OF THESE YOUNG PEOPLE SAYING "I'M GONNA GET MY EIGHT OR TEN MINUTES--" - YEAH.
- AND GET MY SEINFELD SHOW.
- YEAH.
- RIGHT.
- AS OPPOSED TO - IT'S AS LIKELY THEN AS IT WAS FOR ME.
I MEAN, IT WASN'T-- IT WAS RIDICULOUS.
- YEAH.
- WHAT HAPPENED TO ME WAS RIDICULOUS.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
- THAT WAS NOT IN THE PLAN.
- NO, YOU-- - THE PLAN WAS TO DO THE TV SHOW, HANG ON FOR A COUPLE-- TWO OR THREE YEARS.
- MM-HMM.
- AS THIS, YOU KNOW, OBSCURE LITTLE CULT THING, WHATEVER IT WAS.
- RIGHT.
- YOU KNOW.
AND I'LL PUMP UP MY TICKET SALES AT THE COMEDY CLUBS, YOU KNOW.
THAT'S WHY I CALLED IT SEINFELD.
'CAUSE I THOUGHT "WELL, AT LEAST I'LL GET SOME TICKETS-- I'LL SELL SOME TICKETS.
- PEOPLE WILL COME TO SEE ME.
- YEAH, AT LARRY'S IN CLEVELAND THIS WEEKEND AT LEAST MAYBE I'LL GET A SECOND SHOW ON SUNDAY, YOU KNOW.
- RIGHT.
- BUT I NEVER THOUGHT, YOU KNOW - YEAH.
IT'S JUST AS BIG AS ANY SHOW THAT'S EVER BEEN.
- YEAH.
- AND SO WHAT IS THE PROCESS NOW OF DOING THE STANDUP? SO DO YOU GO TO LITTLE PLACES? - MM-HMM.
- TO WORK IT OUT? - I DO LITTLE PLACES.
AND I DO MY REGULAR SHOWS IN THEATERS AROUND THE COUNTRY.
- RIGHT.
- AND I TRY AND DO NEW STUFF THERE.
I STILL STRUGGLE WITH IT.
- IT'S ALWAYS AMAZING TO ME-- THE AUDIENCE IS IN THE PALM OF YOUR HAND AND YOU TRY A NEW PIECE OF MATERIAL.
- MM-HMM.
- AND THEY COULD SNIFF IT OUT? - YEAH.
- THEY KNOW THAT IT'S NEW.
- YEAH.
- AND THEY RETREAT A LITTLE BIT FROM IT UNTIL IT'S SLICK LIKE THE OTHER STUFF.
- YEAH, RIGHT.
- THAT ALWAYS IS INCREDIBLE.
- I WAS DOING A JOKE THE OTHER NIGHT AND AS I WAS COMING UP TO THE JOKE I WAS-- THIS IS A JOKE THAT ALWAYS WORKS.
- MM-HMM.
- AND AS I WAS COMING OFF GOING, "YOU KNOW, I DON'T EVEN REALLY LIKE THIS JOKE.
"I DON'T KNOW WHY I DO IT.
I DON'T THINK IT'S VERY CLEVER.
" - YEAH.
- IT ALWAYS GETS A LAUGH.
AND I KNOW IT'S GONNA GET A LAUGH TONIGHT.
AND I'M JUST ABOUT TO SAY IT AND THIS IS WHAT I'M THINKING.
- [laughs.]
THAT'S NOT A GOOD PLAN.
- AND I SAID "BUT I'M SUCH A PRO AND I KNOW THIS BIT SO WELL.
- YEAH.
- AND I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF MY ACT, EVERYTHING'S FLOWING, THERE'S NOT GONNA BE A PROBLEM HERE.
BUT IN THE BACK OF MY MIND I'M JUST, YOU KNOW, RUMINATING.
I'M, LIKE, IN THE BACK-- I'M, LIKE, IN THE OFFICE.
- RIGHT.
- YOU KNOW.
MEANWHILE THE SALES ARE GOING OUT IN THE FRONT OF THE STORE.
EVERYTHING--BUSINESS IS BRISK.
- EVERYTHING'S OKAY.
- YEAH.
BUT I'M IN THE OFFICE, I'M JUST NOODLING AROUND THE BOOKS, YOU KNOW.
AND I WAS THINKING "THIS JOKE IS REALLY--IT'S REALLY NOT A VERY GOOD JOKE.
IT'S A--YOU KNOW.
- YEAH.
- WELL, WHATEVER.
I MEAN, I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT OUT, IT WORKS.
- RIGHT.
- AND IT CONNECTS TO THE NEXT JOKE.
AND SO AS I COME UP TO THE JOKE AND I DO THE JOKE NOTHING.
- OF COURSE.
- AND I KNOW THAT I DID IT EXACTLY THE SAME WAY I ALWAYS DO IT.
BUT THE LIGHT--THE SOMETHING, A FLICKER ON THE EYELASH.
- YEAH.
- THEY KNOW.
- THEY KNOW IT, THEY GOT IT.
- THEY KNEW IT.
- THEY GOT IT, THEY GOT IT.
- MARTY, YOU ARE THE MOST ANNOYING DIRECTOR I EVER HAD IN MY LIFE.
[laughter.]
I LOOK AROUND THE ROOM AND I REALIZE NOW, ASIDE FROM CLINT EASTWOOD I'M THE BIGGEST NAME HERE.
[laughter.]
CLINT EASTWOOD IS NOW THRILLED HIS NAME WAS MENTIONED.
[laughter.]
ANYWAY, DE NIRO IS SITTING THERE.
GOD BLESS YOU, BOB.
HE'S GOT THE BEARD ON.
TO KNOW HIM IS A TREAT-- HE'S ONE OF THE GREAT ACTORS OF OUR TIME, YOU ASK HIM! UH [laughter.]
YOU ASK HIM, HE'LL TELL YOU.
SO WHEN YOU DID KELLY'S HEROES, LIKE, THAT WAS A BIG THING TO YOU, LIKE, A CHANGE? WELL, KELLY'S HEROES WAS ALMOST 35-40 YEARS AGO.
- I KNOW, I CAN'T ASK ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT? - YEAH, IT WAS A TALKY, YOU KNOW.
- I KNOW.
- BOY, IT WAS A TALKY.
AND THAT'S WHERE I FIRST GOT TO KNOW CLINT EASTWOOD.
YOU KNOW.
- RIGHT.
- GREAT GUY, CHARMING-- HE REALLY IS, HE'S VERY CARING.
WE WERE IN YUGOSLAVIA.
WHEN I WAS THERE, IT WAS TITO, YOU KNOW.
HE WAS SITTING IN HIS HOUSE WITH GRENADES, THROWING THEM AT THE VILLAGERS.
- TITO WAS.
- YEAH.
AND THE PEOPLE WERE FLYING OUT OF THEIR HUTS.
YOU KNOW.
- YEAH.
TITO, YOU KNOW SOMETHING? SON OF A BITCH, I'M A FUNNY GUY.
ANYWAY, I'M ENTERTAINING MYSELF! YOU'RE NOT A HELP--SO, YOU KNOW.
[laughter.]
IT'S LIKE BEING ALONE, YOU KNOW.
- I KNOW! - YOU'RE NOT MR.
DYNAMITE TALKING TO ME HERE, YOU KNOW.
- ALL I SAID WAS "TITO, HOW INTERESTING.
" - CHARLIE ROSE, HE WAS FUNNY, YOU KNOW.
- CHARLIE ROSE WAS FUNNY! - I DID A SHOW WITH CHARLIE ROSE, YEAH.
- AT LEAST HE TALKED MORE THAN I DO.
- NO, CHARLIE ROSE WAS GREAT.
I DOZED OFF TWICE ON HIM.
- [laughs.]
- WHAT WAS I SAYING? - UH - TRY TO KEEP ON TOP OF THIS! HUH? I MEAN, IF I'M BOTHERING YOU LET ME KNOW, YOU KNOW.
- NO, NO.
- YEAH, BUT TITO-- YEAH, SO WE'RE IN YUGOSLAVIA.
I SAYS "I'D LIKE TO LIVE LIKE CLINT EASTWOOD WHEN I GO TO YUGOSLAVIA.
" AND TO CLINT, HEAVEN WAS A DOG AND A PICKUP TRUCK, YOU KNOW.
THAT'S THE WAY HE LIVED, YOU KNOW.
GIVE HIM A QUONSET HUT AND HE'S HAPPY, YOU KNOW.
- DOESN'T NEED ANYTHING FANCY.
- YOU KNOW, AND HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE ALONE WITH HIM NEW YEAR'S EVE? OOH.
[laughter.]
MURDER.
I LOVE CLINT, BUT MURDER.
- SO JUST IN THE SHOW THAT WE'VE BEEN DOING WITH OTHERS, WE TALKED A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THEIR INFLUENCES.
SO I'M TRYING TO REMEMBER, YOUR DAD WAS FUNNY, RIGHT? IS THAT RIGHT? - VERY FUNNY, YEAH.
MY DAD USED TO, UH, COLLECT JOKES IN A BOX OF CARDS.
AND HE WOULD WRITE DOWN THE JOKES.
SO THAT HE WOULDN'T FORGET THEM.
- AMAZING.
- SO THAT WAS I WOULD SAY-- AND HE ALWAYS USED TO SAY TO ME THAT IF HE HAD HAD AN OPPORTUNITY HE WOULD LOVE TO HAVE TRIED TO DO IT.
AND HE CERTAINLY HAD THE-- - SO HE TOLD JOKES AT THE DINNER TABLE.
- ALL THE TIME.
- ALL THE TIME, RIGHT.
- HE WAS A WONDERFUL JOKE TELLER--JOKE JOKES.
- WOW, THAT'S GREAT.
- AND HE WAS A WONDERFUL JOKE TELLER.
YOU WOULDN'T SEE ANY RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN-- - WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND-- - EVEN THE WAY THAT I DO IT.
- RIGHT.
- YOU WOULDN'T SEE ANY RELATIONSHIP BUT HE WAS VERY FUNNY.
- YEAH, MY BROTHER USED TO BRING HOME JOKE BOOKS.
- RIGHT.
- AND READ THEM TO ME.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS 10 OR 11 YEARS OLD.
- MY DAUGHTER WHO'S NINE CARRIES A JOKE BOOK AROUND.
- REALLY? - YEAH.
- WHO GAVE HER A JOKE BOOK? - SHE WENT AND GOT IT.
- REALLY? - JOKELOPEDIA.
- [laughs.]
JOKELOPEDIA.
- AND SHE CARRIES IT AROUND.
- THAT'S GREAT.
- SO IT IS SOMEWHAT DNA.
- YES.
YOU HAVE TO SEE SOMEONE THAT GIVES YOU THE IMAGING OF HUMOR WHEN YOU'RE YOUNGER, I THINK TO WANNA BE DOING IT IN YOUR CAREER, I THINK.
- MAYBE, MAYBE.
- WHY DO YOU CHALLENGE ME ON SUCH AN INSIGNIFICANT POINT? - BECAUSE I THINK IT'S AN INTERESTING QUESTION.
- YES.
- ARE YOU FUNNY BECAUSE YOU SEE PEOPLE BEING FUNNY AND IT LOOKS LIKE FUN? OR IS IT LITERALLY DNA? I MEAN, IT'S-- I CAN'T JUST SIGN OFF ON THAT.
- WELL [laughter.]
- IT'S NOT A SMALL POINT.
- NO, I'M NOT-- - THAT WOULD BE MY POINT.
- NO, I UNDERSTAND THAT.
BUT I'M NOT DIMINISHING FROM THAT YOU HAVE TO HAVE COMEDY IN YOU-- - YEAH.
- IN SOME WAY SEPARATE FROM THE REST OF THE WORLD.
BUT IF YOU'VE SEEN SOMEONE IN YOUR FAMILY THEN IT'S-- IT MIGHT HELP, IT'S POSSIBLE.
- MAYBE, I DON'T KNOW.
BUT I HAVE A FRIEND WHO'S VERY FUNNY-- THERE'S NO ONE FUNNY IN THE FAMILY.
AND THEY THOUGHT THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM.
THEY TRIED TO PUT HIM IN MILITARY SCHOOL.
THEY THOUGHT HE WAS SICK.
- RIGHT, 'CAUSE HE HAD A SENSE OF HUMOR.
- YEAH, 'CAUSE HE HAD A SENSE OF HUMOR.
- SO WHO DID YOUR DAD LIKE THAT YOU REMEMBER HIM TALKING ABOUT? WAS IT, LIKE, GLEASON OR WHO--LIKE, BOB HOPE? - I USED TO, YOU KNOW, WATCH ALL THOSE PEOPLE.
YOU KNOW, IT WAS FUNNY, I SOMETIMES THINK ABOUT HOW AS A KID I WOULD WATCH CERTAIN PEOPLE AS A KID AND GO "THIS GUY'S NOT FUNNY.
" FIVE YEARS OLD, I THOUGHT RED SKELTON WAS GARBAGE.
- YEAH.
- I WOULD SAY "THIS GUY IS NOT FUNNY.
I DON'T THINK THIS GUY'S FUNNY.
" - YEAH.
- BUT WHAT DO I KNOW? THIS GUY IS A HUGE, GIANT STAR.
- [laughs.]
IT WAS THAT "GOOD NIGHT" THAT HE USED TO DO.
- YEAH, I DIDN'T LIKE THE "GOD BLESS.
" - "GOD BLESS," RIGHT.
- YEAH.
- BUT YOU-- - NO, BUT I MEAN, THAT WAS REALLY YOUR MOMENT.
IT WAS WHEN GUYS LIKE YOU CAME ALONG-- AND I'VE TOLD YOU THIS BEFORE.
YOU AND ROBERT KLEIN AND COSBY TOO.
BUT YOU AND ROBERT KLEIN, AS YOU WELL KNOW-- YOU GUYS WERE THE GUYS THAT JUST CRACKED THE GLASS, YOU KNOW.
- OH, THANK YOU.
- AND MADE IT SEEM LIKE THERE'S A WHOLE OTHER WAY TO DO THIS.
- I LOVE YOU AS A PERSON.
- WELL, THANK YOU.
- I LOVE YOU FOREVER, YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN SO GOOD TO ME AND TO EVERYBODY, YOU'RE THE BEST.
- AW, THAT'S SWEET OF YOU.
THANK YOU, DAVID.
- THANKS, DON.
- AND WE GO BACK A LONG TIME.
- WE DO.
- AND I THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
- THANK YOU FOR DOING THIS.
- OKAY.
[applause.]
- THIS IS GREAT, THANKS AGAIN.
- MY PLEASURE.
- HOW MANY TIMES I'VE GONE TO THE JERRY SEINFELD WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
- I COULD DO IT ALL DAY.