It's a Date (2013) s01e01 Episode Script

Dad, I went through this with everyone.
It's simple, really.
You just hang there and have a beer.
I'm doing that.
Did you know Jasmine's old man doesn't drink? Yeah, I knew that.
I'll be there in 20 minutes.
Hang on, your mum wants a word.
Dad, I've got to go.
Hi, love.
Hi, Mum.
Have you got the ring? Everything's all set.
Your father and I are very proud of you.
Please tell me Dad's not wearing his chopstick tie.
No, of course not.
Neil, I told you to take that damn tie off! I've got to go, guys.
See you soon - 20 minutes.
Dinner tomorrow? No, lunch today.
Oh, really? I was thinking we could spend a lazy day on the couch - Breaking Bad marathon.
It's lunch, the most important meal of the day.
Come on.
Breakfast is.
Lunch is in the top three.
It'll be fun.
Fine.
You feed Dr Dre, then.
Who? Jake's rabbit, next door.
They've gone to Queensland, and we're looking after it.
Remember? I hate that kid.
I don't know why you agreed to that.
Little prick let my tyres down last week.
I'm having a shower.
Feed the gangster rabbit.
OK.
As long as he doesn't pop a cap in my arse.
You're firing me? Raj and his wife are bloody upset, to be honest, understandably so.
I had no idea it was Raj's wife's handbag.
Whose handbag did you think it was? - Hello? - Hello there, sexy.
Hello there, you.
I said I'll pay for it.
Just wondering if we're still on for tonight.
Shit.
Yeah, absolutely, we're on.
On like Donkey Kong.
You haven't told me where you're taking me.
Should I dress up? It's fancy, it's fancy.
Really, really fancy.
Wear your fancy pants.
I'm in the middle of something.
See you tonight, yeah? Yes, you will.
I'll be the one not wearing knickers.
And I'll be the one who will also be there.
Got to go.
Look forward to it.
Bye.
It's a big day.
I'll need your pass.
Tony? Do you know any fancy restaurants? Hit it, hit it! I'm told this is where real Mexicans come to eat.
There's a guy over there wearing shorts.
In Mexico, shorts are a fashion statement.
Excuse me.
One more, please.
Sure.
Would you like one too, sir? No, H2O is fine.
Come on.
He'll have a margarita.
Two, please.
No.
No, water's fine.
Come on, it's Friday night.
They are really nice margaritas.
I'm sure.
Margarita, margarita, margarita! Glass of water, glass of water! I want a glass of water, please.
Thank you.
OK, OK! What's the rush? Just, we're late.
Where are we going? It's a surprise.
Did you feed Dr Dre? Yes, I fed Dr Dre and his bitches.
Did you lock the gate? Yes.
What was that? Dunno.
Oh, God! Shit.
So, work was really busy today.
Oh! Shit! Really full-on, actually - work.
Work.
Of course.
Sorry.
What do you do again? You work for ASIO.
Counter-terrorism.
I know.
Mainly in the cyber area.
Today we actually stopped a cyber attack on the Harbour Bridge.
Wow.
Yeah, I know.
It is very classified.
Very classified.
We have one margarita.
Thank you.
And one glass of water.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
Mm! For your second margarita, you've earned a sombrero.
Really? Oh, that's fun! Great.
I'll go grab it from the storeroom.
So, Greg, what do you do? Well, I Mm-hm? Am Yeah? A Uh-huh? Dentist.
You're a dentist? Yeah, I'm a dentist - teeth and gums.
Yeah.
You know what? I always get confused between tacos and nachos.
Stay back.
He's he's gone.
You killed Dr Dre.
It wasn't necessarily me.
It could have been a drive-by.
We have got to get him to a vet or something.
A vet's not going to bring him back unless he's the big guy from the Green Mile who can breathe life back into things.
I'll bury him later.
We're running late as it is.
Patrick, it's a kid's pet rabbit! Urgh! I had a friend who swam with dolphins in WA, I think.
She said that it was amazing.
I did that in Port Douglas.
You swam with dolphins? Yeah, but I've got to say, it was cold, it was stormy, I got seasick.
The dolphins were crap, shithouse dolphins.
Did you know that dentists have the highest rate of suicide of all the medical professions? I would have said podiatrists.
Margarita? Thank you.
She's cute.
Don't you think she's cute? Who? Who? Come on! She is a really beautiful woman.
I don't It's not like I'm going to go down on her.
Or maybe I will.
The night is young.
Excuse me, I will have that margarita.
And is this real? Is this from Is this from Mexico? I guess so.
And are you Mexican? Yeah, I am.
Yep.
Excellent.
Thank you.
You are a woman out of control.
Some men like that.
Are you sure he's dead? Maybe we should go to the vet to check.
Pay 200 bucks to tell us something we knew? He's dead.
Should we give it a ceremony or something? It's a bunny rabbit, not Princess Di.
Shit.
Do you want a wash, mate? No.
Your windscreen's a bit dirty.
It's OK, buddy.
We're fine.
Mate, I don't have any money.
That's fine.
Whatever you've got.
I've got nothing, mate.
Just give him something.
I didn't ask him to wash my windscreen.
Nice and clean, if you know what I mean! There you go, sir.
You could eat your brekkie off that.
I'm sorry, but I told you, I don't have any money.
But I just washed your windscreen.
I'm sorry, mate.
Two bucks.
You got two bucks? Sorry, mate.
No.
No! NO! NO! Oh, God.
Ignore him.
I'm bloody sick of this! What are you doing, mate? Holy shit! No! Oh, my God! Woo-ha! Did you open the sunroof? Shut your mouth! Nice and clean, if you know what I mean! Oh, fuck, Patrick! Shut your mouth! There you are, folks.
Um, I ordered nachos.
That IS nachos.
The crispy shell with the Tacos? Um I, um, was wondering - is the, um The correct pronunciation of 'Mexico' - is it 'Mexico' or is it 'Mekiko?' It's OK, sir.
I can swap these for you.
Thank you.
What was that? Do it to me.
No! Please? OK.
Oh! Sorry.
Bloody hell! Sorry.
You're supposed to take your shoe off.
I'm sorry.
Let's just eat our food.
Warn me next time.
I'll have an epidural.
Sorry.
Do you want to get out of here? We've just been held up a bit.
What happened, mate? Nothing, just traffic.
There's been a bit of a fiasco here - some issue with the sprinklers.
We've had to move to the fourth hole, the gorilla.
Really? Yeah.
OK, that's fine.
We'll be there soon.
About the tie, mate Dad, I've got to go.
I'm nearly done.
Ava! This is so weird! How are you? What are you up to? Nothing, just giving the windscreen a wipe.
I usually get the guys at the traffic lights to do it.
Excellent.
How's Stefan? Ah, yeah.
That didn't last.
I got rid of him.
I'm single again.
Yes! Yay for you, if that's what you're doing.
Ah, this is I'm Jasmine.
She's Jasmine.
I'm Ava.
Ava.
Hi.
Hello.
So that was Ava.
Back there? Yeah.
That was Ava.
That was funny.
You never told me she was Asian.
Didn't I? No.
No, you didn't.
Um, how many Asian girls have you dated? Ah, well, including you and Ava, there was one other at uni, but it was just an O-Week thing.
Fucking yellow fever.
Sorry? I couldn't quite hear that.
You have yellow fever.
You like Asian girls.
What? No.
I mean, yes, but what's wrong with that? If I wasn't attracted to Asian women, we wouldn't be together, 'cause, guess what? You're Asian.
Sorry to break that to you.
Is that why you're with me? No.
I never said that.
How many white guys have you dated? That's completely different for girls.
I knew it - you only date white men.
You've got white fever.
Do you know what white fever is? Yes, yes.
I figured it out.
Some blokes are into blondes.
Some are into sporty chicks, tall women, hirsute women.
I'm not.
You know Frank from work? He's mad for hairy chicks.
That is why you love going to Thailand.
No! It's a very popular holiday destination for Australians.
It's close and it's cheap.
And the women are hot.
Not the ones with penises.
I don't think this is a very good idea.
Let's get a coffee, or there's a bowling alley next door.
Let's go bowling! I'm going to get some shots.
OK.
Or laser tag.
We could do laser tag.
Woo! I'll just wait here.
I'll check work emails.
Sweet Jesus.
You're joking? Come on, you love putt-putt.
Why, because I'm Asian and all Asians love golf? I'm not sure that stereotype holds up for the entire population.
This is the worst day ever.
Is it? Is it worse than the time I sharted at the Australian Open? It's pretty close.
So the guy says, 'What, and quit show business?' Quick, they're coming! I was just about to go for a tinkle.
There's no time.
You should have thought about that.
I was about to go! Don't wreck this! Hide, please.
Come on, Cheung.
Off you go.
The bosses have spoken.
Thank you.
I love your massive hat.
Thanks.
I have money.
I work in sales.
Hey there.
Having a good night? I'm very good.
I'm having a lovely evening, and checking work emails.
Would you like to have a private dance? That would I can't, because I'm with You have great boobs.
Doesn't she have great boobs? You have very lovely boobs.
Mm.
Are we the only ones here? I guess it's a quiet Sunday.
'Cause the other 12-year-old are playing video games at home.
Come on, it's a giant gorilla hole.
This will be fun.
Oh! Why did I have to hide next to the bloody water feature? So you guys are on a date, yeah? Yeah.
Yes, we're on a date.
Yes we are.
Why don't I give you both a special, private lap dance? No, we're just here for a drink and to listen to the awesome music.
Don't worry, I'll put it on the house, only because you guys are so cute.
Don't be silly.
Don't be silly.
We're in! Woo! Yeah! Alright.
OK.
Woo! Greg, come on! Shit! Can I have that one? Thank you.
Here we go.
Christ's sake! I'm busting here.
Neil? Sorry, son.
Sorry, Jasmine.
Congratulations! You're supposed to jump out after I got the ball in the hole.
Your dad jumped out from behind a rock.
It was supposed to be a surprise.
- Mum, Dad? - Surprise! Mum? Jasmine, I brought you here today because I need to ask you something really important.
Jasmine Oh! It's just a sprinkler.
Only water.
Shut your mouth, shut your mouth! Greg? You need to take me home.
I should follow her, yeah? Yeah, definitely.
You're very nice.
Sorry, everyone.
Sorry, sorry.
Jasmine, I know you'd rather be at home watching Breaking Bad.
Three years ago, I kissed you for the first time here on the third hole, which today has a busted drainpipe.
It's flooded.
There's water everywhere.
Which is why I'm kneeling next to a giant gorilla and not a crocodile, asking you, will you marry me? Come on, Em.
Hi, Natalie.
Hi, Mr Warner.
How was Sazzario's? Actually, we went to Mexigogo's.
Oh, like, really? I didn't know it was that dressy.
Goodnight, Natalie.
Thank you.
Goodnight.
Hey.
She asleep? Shh! You'll wake her.
Look, I know today has not been perfect.
Patrick, that's like saying the Titanic was a little bit bumpy.
That's a bit harsh.
We killed a little kid's pet rabbit.
What? Not on purpose.
You wouldn't give a homeless guy spare change, so he peed on me.
He peed ON me.
Hooley dooley! If that wasn't bad enough, I find you have a history of dating Asian women that after three years together, you somehow have failed to mention.
It feels like the universe is sending us pretty clear messages.
It's not the right time for big life choices.
Shit.
Sorry.
God's sake! I told you to get rid of that.
They're not even Japanese! I'm sorry! Love, he's already booked the honeymoon for Koh Samui.
Patty loves Thailand, Cheung.
Absolutely bloody loves it.
I'm sorry.
That was the first time I've been out in six months.
I spent $500 on the dress.
Actually, it was $300 because it was on sale, and I think they gave me a discount.
I can't remember.
Not that you noticed.
I was too busy watching you down margaritas.
This is so unfair.
I haven't had a drink in a year and a half.
That's what we used to do.
Do you remember? We used to go out and drink cocktails together and make each other laugh.
You'd be a fighter pilot and I'd be an Olympic gymnast.
Now the best you can come up with is a bloody dentist.
It's more realistic than a loose-lipped spy.
What the hell is a cyber attack on the Harbour Bridge? Do you want reality, Greg? Try spending your whole day with a three-year-old and a baby.
I kept the Telstra lady on the phone for 20 minutes yesterday, just so that I could have an adult conversation.
I was pretending I couldn't find the bill, but I know where the bill is.
It's On the fridge.
Yes, I know it's on the bloody fridge.
It's always on the fridge.
And you swam with dolphins.
How could you not tell me that? Who was it with? Japanese business guys.
I don't know their names.
It didn't mean anything.
You know that I have always wanted to swim with dolphins.
We can still do that! Let's you and me do that.
I'm going to call the dolphin people, and I'm booking it.
The, um, dolphin office is closed.
I'll call back in the morning.
You would have thought dolphins worked nine to five.
Do you even know why I am upset? Yeah, I think so.
Because I took you to Mexigogo's and I kicked you in the private area, and the dolphins and maybe a little bit the strip club.
I gave birth six months ago, but tonight some dude in his 20s thought I was a stripper.
Do you know how amazing that was for me to hear that? Congratulations.
You should friend him on Facebook.
It was the way you were looking at that girl.
That girl was performing on my lap.
Performers feed off audience energy, and small crowds are the toughest.
Besides, you took me to a strip club.
It's entrapment.
You gave her my look, Greg.
You gave her MY look.
What look? You have a look, and I thought the look you had was only for me.
I didn't know about the look.
Can you do the look for me? No, I can't do the look.
It's your look.
I think I know the one you're talking about.
Is it this one? No.
You look like a confused puppy.
This one? No, that's surprised.
Stop.
You look like a weirdo.
Stay there.
This will help you remember.
Just stay there.
One of my favourite things is smoking in my underpants, and I mean smoking in my undies! You should know.
Classic pig.
You prick.
What are you doing? Patrick! Hey! Don't be stupid.
What are you doing? Mate, oi! My God! Hey, hey! Remember me? Not so funny now, is it? Hey? Phew! I'm so sorry.
My body - it's changed.
I have to wear these breast pads 'cause my boobs leak.
Now they look like melted ice-creams.
I've got Nancy Ganz pants on to suck my gut in.
I wear bandaids all over my feet because they swell.
I have no idea who this Nancy Ganz is, but I was looking into that stripper's eyes because I was trying desperately not to look at her tits.
If you think that woman can hold a candle to you, I don't know what we're trying to do.
That woman had Did that woman give birth to our two beautiful children? No.
She dances nude to Aerosmith songs.
Does that woman know if I prefer spray or roll-on deodorant? No.
She dances nude to Aerosmith songs.
Did that woman teach me how to say pinot Grigio.
In Margaret River? No.
She dances nude Aerosmith songs.
I just want so hard for us to work.
I don't want us to work.
I want us to live and to thrive and to flourish.
And there it is.
That's our look.
I see it now - that's our look.
Shit! Oh, I am so sorry.
I just I think I may have been a little bit tipsy.
A little bit tipsy.
OK.
I'm sorry.
Oh, God.
There's the carrot.
Mate! Mate? Hey, mate? You OK? I'm sorry, mate.
Yes.
I think it would be great if we started out by laying everything on the table.
I'm Kevin.
We all look different in photos.
Your hair was a little shorter.
I was black.
Do you watch pornographic films? I'm ordering the most expensive champagne, and you will pay.
I took viagra about a month ago.
What exactly do you do? It's boring.
Why didn't your marriages work?