It's A Funny Old Week (2015) s01e01 Episode Script

(CHEERING)
Hello. Hello. Oh, lovely.
Welcome to It's A Funny Old Week
with me, Jason Manford.
The big news this week is
a British girl called Eleanor Hawkins
who was arrested in Borneo for
going topless on a sacred mountain.
It is fair to say that,
even if it is not sacred to you,
if you are in someone else's
holy place, don't get your kit off.
I once got naked in Mecca
But
all the old women
were so engrossed in the bingo
that they did not notice.
It was totally fine.
This was a terrible situation.
At least when she gets back to work,
people won't have to ask her
how her holiday went.
On Saturday, it was
the annual trooping of the colour
for the Queen's Birthday.
There she is looking happy,
as always.
Every single picture.
She doesn't even smile on a tenner.
I was watching her, and
it kept on going back to the Queen.
She is not happy because
they get her that every year.
I have only ever seen it twice,
and I am bored.
Kate Moss was thrown
off an easyJet flight
from Turkey after
accusations of being disruptive.
Apparently,
she was so loud on the flight
that the hen party in front of her
could barely hear themselves fight.
I had a bit of sympathy for Kate.
Then I heard that she'd called
the pilot a "basic bitch".
This is a new phrase
that the kids are using.
My rule whenever I take the Mickey
out of someone's job
is never to pick on someone
whose job is harder than mine.
A pilot vs a model.
One with their engineering degree
and 18 months of training
and another one, a woman whose job
it is to stand in clothes
and look like she can't remember
if she has left the gas on.
She is very good at it.
It's A Funny Old Week.
So, those were the big stories,
but delving beyond the front pages,
here are some of the things
that have tickled me.
A new study by
the International Sleep Foundation -
and I think
I don't have a proper job -
they claim that sleeping naked
is good for your health.
You tell that to
the other passengers on the train.
It also said, get this,
couples who sleep naked together
are more likely to be intimate.
I mean
do we really need a study for that?
Of course they are, if half the work
has already been done!
People are wearing onesies
these days. Grow up!
Have you tried to get your partner
out of a onesie in the dark?
You get one arm out
and the other goes up their back
like you are doing
a citizens arrest.
It is all well and good if you
live in a nice area to sleep naked.
You can afford to do that.
Where I live, we have been burgled
three times in 18 months.
It is not worth the risk.
There is nowt more embarrassing
than trying to chase a burglar off
with a can of Lynx Africa and a semi.
I was leaving a pause,
so you can just picture that.
Embarrassing politician of the week.
It's a Spanish MP
demanding to be shown more respect.
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
I love him. He is awesome.
He doesn't even stop talking.
Did you see the reaction
of the woman in the red?
A study has suggested this week
that a parasite carried by cats
could be making your kids stupid.
I was insulted by that.
If anyone is going to take the credit
for making my kids stupid,
it'll be me.
In a clip that went viral this week,
here is one kid who is not stupid.
Don't eat me, look at the camera.
Where are we?
Oh, monkey on the car.
Fuck off!
Very clever. Very clever child.
Correctly identified the rare breed
of Russian chimp, the Fukov monkey.
Let's take a look forward
to tomorrow,
when high society comes out to play
at the world-famous horseracing
event at Royal Ascot.
I am sure you are all going.
If you're lucky enough to be going,
but your experience
isn't quite as good as expected,
there are people out there
who could help.
Royal Ascot, the most
prestigious and glamorous event
in the sporting calendar.
If you are mis-sold
the Royal Ascot experience,
you could be entitled
to make a claim.
Instead of rubbing shoulders
with royalty,
did you find yourself
harassed by a hen do from Halifax?
Then contact us,
just like Wendy did last year.
I felt completely cheated.
Someone threw up on my shoes.
The only race I saw involved
two policemen and a streaker.
helped me move on with my life.
Get in touch,
and make sure you don't miss out.
Terms and conditions apply.
Lovely photo.
As purveyors of comedy cufflinks
and cheap ties know only too well,
this coming Sunday is Father's Day.
I asked my dad
what he wanted this year
and he said, "Son, I would love it
if all the family would get together,
and then just sod off,
so I can watch Game Of Thrones."
I am delighted to welcome one of
my favourite comedians, Jason Byrne.
Hello. Happy Father's Day to my dad.
He is an amazing man.
He does what he wants.
He is 73 or five. We are not sure.
He's one of those old-school dads.
"I don't know how old I am.
I am nearly dead."
Because he is retired, he thinks
he can say and do what he wants.
He will walk into a room
full of strangers,
say something and walk out.
He did this at my mother's 70th.
He knew some people
and didn't know others.
My dad walked in and said,
"I would like to announce
something."
Everyone thought
it would be a nice speech.
"I will no longer
be travelling on aeroplanes."
Then he walked out of the room.
So they are going,
"What the hell was that?"
I went to my dad and said,
"Why did you say that?"
"I don't want to travel
any more on aeroplanes."
Why? "Because I have a pacemaker."
We all know he has a pacemaker.
He also said, "Don't use mobile
phones, because it will stop it."
My mum is behind the couch
when he falls asleep.
And she rubs the phone on his chest.
Sends texts. Still alive.
I have a 15-year-old
and an eight-year-old,
and my 15-year-old walked up to me
- he doesn't say much -
he walked up to me and said,
"You are not even funny."
And then just drifts off back
to his PlayStation.
So we concentrate on the
eight-year-old. He is great fun.
We had to go to a parent-teacher
meeting. They are weird.
You sit it in those tiny chairs
that your bum doesn't fit in.
The teacher said, "We love your son.
I would have him any day.
He is so sweet and so well-behaved."
I went, "OK, thank you."
That night, I was on my bed watching
TV, chest down, watching TV.
The next minute,
my son kicked the door open.
He was totally naked,
he jumped on the bed,
pushed my head into the mattress,
sat on my neck and went,
"There's a willy on your neck!
Willy! Willy! Willy!"
And then just ran out of the room.
I would have loved the teacher
to see that!
Imagine being called up about that.
Collecting your kids from school,
I am not allowed to do it on my own
because I'm not allowed
to talk to the parents
because I will say stupid shit.
My wife went to another parent
with a baby boy,
"He is absolutely gorgeous."
The mother went, "Oh, not really.
His two front teeth are very large
and his head is growing
quicker than his body."
I was dying to say something.
The wife sensed that
I was going to say something,
so she rushed me back to the car
and slammed the door,
and I went as loud as I could,
"SpongeBob Squarepants!"
Happy Father's Day to my dad.
Jason Byrne, everybody!
Are you expecting any presents
from your kids this Sunday?
They are probably going
to make something.
They'll probably make something
out of pasta in school.
I have a baby daughter who is six
months and she is full of surprises.
I changed a nappy the other day,
and you know when you've left it
a few days, and they have not pooed?
She had not pooed for nearly a week.
And it was the middle of the night,
and you hear a noise on the monitor,
and I went in the room and you open
the door and you go, "Oh, my God!"
I never changed that nappy.
That nappy changed me.
Here is a dad
who really doesn't like surprises.
Oh, ya bastard!
Oh, ya bastard!
You bastard.
Oh, you bastard!
Oh, you bastard!
Oh, you fuckin' dick-head.
(APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to
It's A Funny Old Week.
In Magaluf this week,
the authorities are cracking down
on the debauched behaviour
of Brits abroad.
They are stopping
all the drinking, urinating
and having sex in the streets.
So I have no idea where I am taking
my nan for a holiday this year!
A recent survey said British men
in their 20s are drinking more now
than 15 years ago. Which is scary
because they were only kids then.
What has happened
to good old British manners?
Let's find out from none other
than Dame Joan Collins.
Thank you.
I am simply appalled
at the behaviour
of some people in Britain today.
Chivalry is dead.
And politeness is an arcane word
that we used to describe
a code of behaviour
that has long since disappeared.
Monkey on the car.
Fuck off!
You may call me
reactionary and old-fashioned,
but frankly I couldn't care less.
What makes me despair
is that it is happening in Britain,
the land of the English gentleman.
We English seem to have embraced
vulgarity as our national emblem.
That is binge drinking!
Gone is the gentleman.
Welcome the absent father.
Gone is the English cun
(BROKEN RECORD)
The English what?
Welcome, the builder's crack.
That is all I have to say
about manners.
Thank you so much for coming.
Can I go now? Is that all right?
Do you need any more?
Get these amateurs out of my sight,
I have to leave.
There you go.
Coming soon to ITV,
Joan's Been Framed.
Now it is time
for entertainment news.
First up on telly last Sunday saw
the return of Love Island on ITV2.
It's good. It's worth watching.
Do that thing where we put our
arms around. You see it in movies.
Cos we are
on a bit of a movie thing.
Three, two, one.
Winner, winner, chicken dinner.
(BELCHES)
Why are they downing champagne
like Jagerbombs?
They are no better on dating shows
elsewhere in the world.
We have all heard the saying,
if you can't handle me at my worst,
you don't deserve me at my best.
But this woman
on New Zealand's reality TV show
The Bachelor takes it too far.
This is my favourite tree.
This is pretty magical.
(FARTS)
Did you just fart?
Poppy lets out a little fart,
which was so funny.
Usually it is not the first date.
I love her. I actually love her.
What I love about it is that
she gives her fart a setup line.
This is pretty magical. (FARTS)
I would love to do that.
The confidence of the girl.
"It is pretty magical." Parp!
In other showbiz news, on Thursday,
singer Ed Sheeran
claimed responsibility
for improving the sex lives
of ginger-haired fellas everywhere.
He said
The thing is, Ed, no disrespect,
but I suspect it is less to do with
being ginger and more to do with you
being a multimillionaire pop star.
Look at the girls Mick Hucknall
used to get,
and he looked like a Chucky Doll
on methadone.
Every now and again,
you see something in the TV listings
that you know you cannot miss,
and on Thursday night
it was a documentary on TLC
called The Man With No Penis.
I have never met anyone like me
and chances are you have not either.
I was born without a penis.
Contrary to the claims I have made
in the past, I am not a doctor,
but isn't a man without a penis
a woman?
This was the story of Andrew Wardle
and the moving account of his need
to get a fully functioning penis.
But it is not just Andrew
who was affected by his condition.
His mother was left wondering
how she could help.
It is not something I can
make it better
and stick a plaster on.
No, you can't. Don't even think
about kissing it better, either.
All was not lost for Andrew.
After years of trying,
he finally found a highly trained
surgeon who could change his life.
But was there no penis at all
for the surgeon to work with?
There is a penis there,
but it is hidden.
The amount of times I have had
to say that on a cold evening!
The surgeon was going to build
a penis for Andrew
with skin
from other parts of his body.
Andrew will undergo a procedure
called
"radial forearm flap phalloplasty".
Radio-four-arm-flap-filo-plasty.
I think I have had one of them
from Greggs.
The surgeon did an amazing job.
Good luck, Andrew,
and enjoy your new dinkle.
Time now for a look at some of
the local news stories in your area.
First up, here's a story
about a Somerset village
which held a funeral for a duck.
The villagers
of Compton Martin attended a service
for a duck named Desmond Drake who
had captured the hearts of locals.
What did they have for the buffet -
torn-up bits of Kingsmill?
He should have been cremated.
The service could have been
both moving and delicious.
And so to Gloucestershire,
and perhaps the most British thing
I have ever seen.
A massive cock on a hill.
Pranksters spent hours
assembling hundred of rocks
to create this giant phallus.
Police are looking
for four skinheads.
In Nottingham,
this jaw-dropping news story broke.
What I love about that headline is
he TRIED to get on a bus.
Really, the headline could be,
"Ferret does not get on a bus."
If you are in the market
for ferret travel failures,
look no further than this.
Aw! Cute ferret.
And now, as we approach
the end of the show,
I'd like to reach deep into
your hearts to champion someone
who I feel has been dealt
an unjust hand.
It is time to stand up
for the little guy.
This is the story of David Curry
from Ashington in Northumberland.
David had good cause to complain
when he was ejected
from his local Wetherspoon's
when sober at breakfast time
for the deeply offensive crime
of wearing a tracksuit.
A tracksuit?!
That is right, Joan, tracky bottoms.
Not gang colours
or a white pointed hood.
Tracksuit bottoms.
What I love about this story
is that the staff actually believe
the tone of a Wetherspoon's
could be lowered.
In some ways, I could understand it.
Dave was wearing a tracksuit because
he had just come from the gym.
Staff there had never seen anyone
who actually wanted
to prolong their life.
Wetherspoon's should not be
throwing people out
for wearing tracksuit bottoms.
They should be throwing people out
for NOT wearing them
and installing treadmills,
exercise bikes and pogo sticks,
so everyone can keep fit
while getting hammered
for a weirdly low price.
So much for our so-called
Olympic legacy. That is right.
If a British man is not allowed
to wear tracksuit bottoms
whenever he wants to,
then Mo Farah has lived in vain.
Imagine how much healthier
we would be as a nation
if there were more people like David.
Don't just imagine it, look at it.
Look at it! Strength in numbers.
Come on, people.
A revolution starts now.
To the Wetherspoon's!
They cannot throw us all out.
Because we are Britain
and no-one can stop us
going to the pub in comfy legwear,
not the Germans, not Brussels
and definitely not Wetherspoon's.
Drinks are on me.
Up to half a pint maximum.
That is all from me for this week.
Good night.