It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s01e01 Episode Script

Another big night, fellas $ 164.
87.
- That's not a lot of money.
- No, it isn't.
- And our mortgage is due in two weeks.
- We paid that a week ago.
A week ago was three weeks late, Mac.
Hey, guys.
I met this guy in acting class.
He's really cool, and he wants to see where I work.
So could you guys try to not be weird? - What is that supposed to mean? - I love you guys, but sometimes you're not that cool.
- We're cool! - Not cool? - Try to be cool.
- Sometimes you're not too cool.
- Charlie - Always cool, man.
- Oh, hey, man, we're closed.
- Yeah, I know.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! We don't want any trouble.
- What? Guys, this is Terrell from my acting class.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Hey, man.
How's it goin'? - It's going good.
How you doin'? - Good, man.
- We're just chillin', dude.
- Great.
- Just closing up shop.
- Yeah.
Whoa.
Guess you guys don't have too many brothers walking through here.
- Oh, no, no.
- We got plenty of brothers.
Yeah A-African-Americans.
Okay.
Yeah, we get it.
You might know some of them.
Yeah.
We're probably related.
No.
I don't think he was implying that you guys are all related.
That's ridiculous.
Sweet Dee came in here a second ago and started talking about acting class.
- We weren't expecting you - We weren't expecting you to be black, that's all.
Right.
Thanks, guys.
When I'm promotin', everybody and their mama gonna be there.
There's gonna be brothers, white boys, Latinos, whatever.
You got niggas hanging from the rafters.
So we got 400-plus packed into this tiny little place Whoa.
You had 400 people packed into a place? You damn right.
That's my job, man.
And it's mostly college kids.
My sister goes to Temple, so I got the hookup over there.
And hookups are good.
But, just to be clear, when you say your sister, do you mean your sister or your friend - Dude.
- Oh, Jesus.
- I mean my sister.
- Oh.
Okay.
Cool.
I was just Because he could mean his friend or his Stop talking.
So we're packed into this little place on Walnut.
We're halfway through the night, everything's goin' all right.
All of a sudden, I notice this dude eyeballin' me from across the bar.
- Shit.
- I don't know if this dude wants to freak me or fight me.
- He's giving you crazy eyes.
- The insane, crazy eyes.
- Right? - I know that.
So I walk over He's this big, cut Mexican dude and I look at him and say, "Yo, ese unless you want to get yo' ass torn apart you'd better get that look off your face.
" - No! - You just walked right up to him and said that? I had to, man.
You gotta make the first move.
- Always make the first move.
You know what I'm sayin'? - L-I know.
- So what happened? - Well, hey, he won't stop starin' me down.
We're, like, eyeball to eyeball.
His grill is right up in mine.
It feels like an eternity.
Finally he just opens up his mouth and says "I guess you gon' have to tear my ass apart, homes.
" Oh, man.
So what'd you do? Took him to the back alley and I tore his ass apart! Oh, my God! That's insane! Okay, I would like to do things like that.
I love that guy.
"I took him to the back alley"? - Who does shit like that? It's like a movie.
- There's something off about him.
- Oh, bro, that's racist.
- No, asshole, that's not what I meant.
- I'll go get the coffee.
What do you guys want? - Dude, sit down.
Okay? Wait till the waitress comes out here, and then you can stare at her.
- I wasn't gonna stare at her.
I was just gonna - He wasn't gonna stare at her.
- You're totally obsessed with that chick.
- No, I'm not.
I like her.
I have a little bit of a crush, yes.
But obsessed? That's a bit of a harsh word.
- It's never gonna happen.
- Honestly, I think we should think about hiring Terrell.
- Why? For what? - You heard him.
When he's promotin', everybody named Mama's looking to get in.
That's true.
They do have "niggers hanging from rafters.
" - Wow.
Nice.
- No, that's not what I was saying.
- Coffee? - Yeah.
- Hitler? - No, I'm not I'm not Adolf Hitler.
- I'll make sure to put lots of cream in yours.
- I was quoting a black friend.
Okay.
Well, that's just great.
- Now she thinks I'm racist.
- Dude, will you just drop it? Listen, ifTerrell delivers half of what he promises, we're looking at 200 people.
- Yeah, that's true.
- It'd be nice to get some chicks in the bar.
All right, let's do it.
- Sure about this? - It's 2005, Charlie.
Don't you think it's ridiculous that you have no friends outside of your own race? - No, what is ridiculous is this stupid plan.
- It's not stupid! - It's a stupid plan.
- It's not This is a college campus.
This is a great place to meet people of different cultures, diversify You're just trying to make black Mm-hmm.
You're trying to make black friends.
- You're not making it easy.
- You're trying to impress Terrell with a couple of black friends.
Don't do this right now.
Okay.
See? This is exactly what I'm talking about.
- This is perfect.
- Huh.
Yeah.
- I'm gonna break the ice.
- Go for it.
'Bout to bust that shit up, Reese.
'Bout to bust that shit up, boy! Absolutely.
- Okay, that didn't go exactly the way - No.
- No.
It was really awkward.
- Really awkward.
- Maybe we should go.
- Yeah! - Hey, what's your name? - Oh.
It's, uh, Charlie.
Do you play bones, Charlie? I dabble.
Do you want to play? I could get you a game.
Uh, no, I shouldn't.
I'm not very good, so - I bet you're really good.
- Well, it's been a long time, you know.
- Oh, come on.
- All right.
One game.
Domino, bitch! This is bullshit.
Absolute bullshit.
- Why do these people like you more than they like me? - Maybe it's comments like that.
I meant those people in there, not all black people.
What am I supposed to say? You should say something different.
Figure something else out.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Um, I'm Janell.
- Oh, hi.
- Uh, you got some moves out there, Charlie.
- Thanks.
You know.
I wanted to give you this.
- Oh.
Okay.
- You know? - Give me a call sometime.
All right? - Yeah.
Sure.
Well, you - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing, dude? - What? That girl's gorgeous.
She's the perfect opportunity to prove we're not racist.
She probably has friends for me.
Well, if anything, I think we should be focused on black men, first of all.
What? We don't really need We need black guys, so - Black guys? What are you talking about? - You know.
Is this about that waitress at the coffee shop, dude? - Oh, my God! - What? - Dude, you are obsessed with this chick.
- No, I'm not.
- Let me see your wallet.
- Why? - Are you still carrying a picture of her in your wallet? - No.
Give it to me.
Give it Oh, my God! Stop making a scene! Just give me the wallet! Give me the wallet! I can't get the goddamn It's okay! It's okay, everybody! - You're making a scene.
- You're making a scene! I got it.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Hold on a second.
- Ha! Ha-ha! Ha! - Give it to me! He had it! Okay! You found it! - I'm gonna tear it up! - No, don't! Just give me it.
I'll call the black girl.
Okay? Okay, buddy.
We're cool.
We're cool.
We're good.
Thanks, guys.
See ya.
I had the craziest dream last night that I was in Cleveland, Ohio which is really weird, because I've never even been to Ohio.
This guy was wearing a bunny suit, and he was coming out You know what, Dee? I don't wanna hear about your dreams.
Okay? I hate listening to people's dreams.
It's like flipping through a stack of photographs.
If I'm not in any of'em and nobody's having sex, I just I don't care.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I would listen to your dreams.
- 'Cause your my brother and I love you.
- I'm sorry.
I am.
- Hey! What's goin' on, guys? - Terrell.
- How are you? - Hey! What's up? What's up? How you doin'? Dennis! What's goin' on? - All right, man.
- How's it goin', man? Good, man.
Listen, um, you mind stepping outside with me for a second, man? - Yeah, I'll come outside.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- All right.
Well, come on.
I'm gonna put these out on the tables.
Rule number one: Always keep a line.
Oh, my God! That is a lot of people! Wow! - This is crazy! - I know! I told you! Terrell's the best! I'm gonna have to start bartending full-time.
L-Look at this! - Why are you making more money than me? - I don't know! - Hey, this is crazy! - I know.
Terrell packed 'em in.
Look at this.
- This is crazy! - Yeah, dude, we were just saying that.
- Lot of dudes.
- Yeah, there's a lot of dudes.
Lot of dudes.
What can I get you boys? - Oh, uh, we wanted to wait for the cute one.
- What cute one? Mac, isn't that your cousin Brett by the jukebox? - Oh, yeah! - Let's go say hey.
- Yo, Brettie boy! - Hey, cuz! - Hey! How you doin'? - What's up, Brett? Can you believe this crowd? - Oh, it's something else! - Yeah! Gentlemen, I understand my services have been requested.
I actually got a couple of services I'd like to request.
Whoa! Uh, what are you doin, man? I'm not - You have the most beautiful eyes.
- Okay, man, but I'm Really? So blue.
Really more of a blue-green, actually, but - I'm really proud of you, man.
- Yeah, thanks.
- You've come a long way.
- What do you mean? You guys are running the hottest gay bar in Philadelphia.
No! What in the hell is your problem? How could you not tell me you were gay? I'm a musical theater actor living in Philadelphia.
I didn't think it was that big a secret.
I've been coming on to you for weeks now.
- Just thought you were into gay dudes.
- I am not into gay dudes! - Apparently you are.
- Okay, well, you know what? The guys hired you to promote their bar, and you turned it into a gay bar.
They are not happy.
- So much money! - Whoo! Oh! So much money! We made more money in one night Th-Than in the entire time that we've owned this place! We have to embrace the situation.
We should totally embrace the situation! - We're a gay bar from now on.
- Absolutely, man! No goddamn way.
Have you guys seen this? "Looking for that new hot spot to spot that stud? Well, Paddy's Irish Pub has plugged that hole.
" - That's a nice notice.
- No, it's not nice.
I don't want to be plugging anybody's holes.
- I'm gonna have to agree with Mac.
- Of course you are.
I made $300 last night.
How much did you make? First of all, that's rude.
And that has nothing to do with what I'm talking about.
It has everything to do with it.
I don't think we have much of a choice.
We need to do this.
If you guys remember, one of the major reasons we got this bar was to get laid.
Maybe you did it to get laid.
I got a little something I like to call business ethics.
Business ethics? The only reason you don't care is you have black girls hanging all over you.
Okay, chill out.
You're gonna screw it up.
Screw it up? I happen to have a date with a nice young lady today.
- Ouch.
- It's a purely fiscal decision.
Oh, bullshit.
You don't care about the money.
You just like the attention.
- What the hell is that supposed to mean? - "Everybody look at me!" You know exactly what I mean, pretty boy.
- Hey, handsome.
- Hey, beautiful.
- Hey, sexy.
- Hey, hoss.
- I just get along really well with those guys.
- They're vibing.
No, you're leading them on.
You're not gay, you're just really vain.
Okay, time out.
Here's what we should do.
Let's take a vote.
- Fine.
- Okay.
All those in favor of Paddy's Pub remaining a gay bar, say "aye.
" - Aye.
- Aye.
Opposed? - K-K-Keeping in mind that you don't get a vote.
- Why? - Because you're the bartender.
You're not one of the owners.
- No, Sweet Dee gets a vote.
- No, she doesn't! - Of course I get a vote! All owners opposed, say "nay.
" All people who own the bar who are opposed, say "nay.
" All people who own the bar who are opposed say "nay.
" Nay.
- Two against one! Oh, well.
- Ohh! Paddy's Irish Pub will henceforth remain the hottest gay bar in Philadelphia.
- Hey-hey! What's going on? - Hey! - Look at you! You look good! - Oh, thank you.
That's so sweet.
- So, where we going? - Well, I thought we'd go grab a drink.
- Oh, I want one so bad.
- All righty! Oh, a coffee shop.
I thought you meant, like, a drink at a bar.
Yeah, absolutely.
Uh, why don't you have a seat here.
I'll go get the coffee.
What would you like? - I don't really drink coffee.
Let me see.
- Totally.
What do you want, Charlie? "What do you want, Charlie?" I'd like you to take a look at the lovely young African-American woman sitting at the table over there.
Okay.
That woman is my friend.
Wow.
Good for you.
So, the other day when you heard me saying something about certain people hanging from said rafters I was quoting a friend of mine who also happens What are you trying to say? Spit it out.
Well, now that you know that I'm not racist, you and I could maybe go on Dude, N-O.
- How many times do I have to say it to you? - One time is fine.
- Apparently one time is not fine.
- One time per time I ask you.
Hey, what's going on up here? Oh, not too much.
Charlie's using you to prove that he's not racist.
Then he asked me out on a date.
Charlie, is this true? Would that upset you if it was something that was true? - You need to see a doctor.
This thing looks really bad.
- I did! - What'd he say? - He said thatJanell punched me in my eye! All right, well, you need to keep that i - Wait.
Her name's Janell? - Yeah.
JanellJenkins.
She's got a hell of a right hand.
She also said if she ever saw me again, she was going to slit my throat.
Are you two seeing this? Boys are out tonight, huh? This is unbelievable.
What is going on here? You got black women crawling all over you and this Mary here is the belle of the ball.
- Why do these people like you guys so much? - It's not that they like us.
It's that they don't like you.
You know why? Uh, because you're an asshole! Is that true? Yeah, kind of.
Can I talk to you in back for a second? - What's up? - You know that girlJanell? I know her.
- Okay.
So what? - So I think I know how we can solve this whole gay mess.
Great.
How? We gotta start with Dennis.
Can you get him so drunk tonight? On tequila.
But a lot of it.
Enough that maybe he might hurt himself.
- Yeah, sure.
No problem.
- All right.
- Where are you going? - I gotta talk to a couple friends from my acting class.
But seriously blackout drunk.
All right.
Okay.
So you did the lime first, and then the shot, right? No.
No, no, no, no.
Dude.
- You take the salt - Take the salt.
And then you take the shot.
Okay.
- And then you suck on the lime.
Okay? - Okay.
Why don't you show me again.
'Cause I'm getting a little bit confused.
- You lick it.
- Salt.
Lick it.
- And then you slam it.
- Yeah? Oh, that's great.
All right, so, I'm gonna do the shot first No, no, no, no Oh Oh, please, please, dude.
You're not listening to me.
Well, I'm just not getting it, bro.
- You do the salt first.
- The salt first.
- And then the lime.
- Show me again, because I'm not The salt first.
Then the lime.
Oh, God.
Hello.
Mmm.
Nice.
Beautiful.
Hello, lover.
Whoa! What the hell! What is going on here? Relax, stud.
You got nothing to be ashamed about.
What the f What does that mean? - Did we have - No.
No.
Don't be silly.
It was all hands.
How's that ass feelin'? I'm really glad you decided to embrace this.
- You're doing the right thing, bro.
- I think so too, dude.
- I feel really good about broadening my horizons.
- It's gonna be fun.
- It's a good business decision.
- Yeah! I don't want to own a gay bar anymore.
What, dude? Oh, no.
What happened? Just, uh I was doing some thinking and, you know We had our little experiment.
It was great.
But we should go back to normal.
Oh.
You had an experiment, and you want to go back to the way it was before the experiment.
- Interesting.
- The bar.
We had our experiment with the bar, and it was great.
Let's go back to normal.
You're done experimenting? Or are you gonna experiment some more? - What is this experimenting? - Hey, Dennis! What's up? Listen, I got you some new CDs.
'Cause the music you had in the jukebox was a little bit stale.
Also, we gotta get rid of these shamrocks.
'Cause nothing scares gays and black folks like Irish crap.
- Can we talk for a second in private? - Yeah.
No problem.
So, listen, Terrell, it's not really working out.
- We're gonna have to let you go.
- I thought you were happy.
No, we were happy.
But then Dennis had an experiment, and he wants to go back to normal.
Yeah, we had that experiment Why do you keep saying it like that? You guys are being ridiculous.
Yeah, we're being ridiculous! We're making a lot of money! - Yes! Thank you! - Look, everybody! Sweet Dee's here! - Hey, everybody! - Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing here? - Charlie? - What is going on here? You guys know each other? Yeah! That's the crazy bitch that punched me in my eye! Charlie! That's my sister.
Now, just to clarify, when you say "sister," you mean I mean my sister.
Yes! Okay! This is great! Because earlier you were implying that I was racist because you thought that I was implying that all black people are related.
And then it turns out that you people actually are! No, that's not what I meant.
Hold on a second.
I meant that you two actually are.
Mac? Stop talkin'.
Hundred and 11, hundred and 12, hundred and 13 $114! - On a Saturday night! - We're back to normal.
We are back to normal.
Mmm.
Dee, I gotta know.
What, exactly, did you tell those guys from your acting class to do to Dennis? Oh, I forgot to tell you.
That didn't work out.
- What? - Yeah, I couldn't get ahold of those guys.
Then why was he so freaked out? How's that ass feelin'?