Jack Whitehall: Fatherhood with My Father (2024) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1
Jack proving,
like his father, he's a bit of a tit man.
Oh!
We're also hearing Jack crying,
which is a new feature.
Little Jack,
who I'm delighted with.
I never dreamt that
I'd create something so darling.
And there it is.
Jack, the creation.
Diddle, diddle, diddle.
Booboo.
Oh, look at you Jack!
Wow, it's a new football shirt!
-One challenge!
-Go on!
It's for dearly
I mean, I'm definitely
not ready to have a baby.
I can't even keep a basil plant alive.
I literally cannot be held responsible
for watering a plant
that lives next to my tap.
Like, all I have to do to keep that alive
is just that motion there, like,
once a week, and I can't even do that.
And now I'm responsible for a human being.
It's fucking mental.
- You're here!
- Hey!
-Hello.
-Hi.
-How are you?
-Very well. Thank you. How are you?
-Jackie.
-Hey, how are you?
Nice to see you.
What's this box?
It's a gift, for you two. It's a pram.
When me and Roxy are off on holiday
and you're looking after the baby for us
-You'll need a pram.
-Dream on!
-We could have a go at this.
-I think we should.
I assume you've not put it together
because it's clearly still in a box.
-Should I get it?
-No, it's fine, I'll do it.
- I would help you
- No.
You're carrying something
far more important.
-See you in a bit.
-Bye.
I've got so many concerns
about becoming a parent.
I also want to look at the world
that I'm bringing a child into.
So I thought I would set out on a quest
to find those answers
and get the old man
out of the freezer as well.
Just a suggestion. Don't get too involved
with the sort of technical stuff.
Right.
The minute you appear
to know what you're doing,
at sorting out how to build the
one of those prams
-They keep asking for more?
-They'll be back for everything.
I'm here to make sure Jack
doesn't get led down a garden path
by these so-called experts.
Because Jack is quite naive.
I'd say, possibly simple?
Don't think
you can say that anymore.
Okay, well thick?
You're all right?
I think I'm all right.
I mean, it's imminent now.
-Yeah.
-Could literally pop at any moment.
And I'm gonna be a dad,
and you'll be a grandfather again.
What advice would you give me
for the actual birth?
'Cause that's something
I'm quite apprehensive about.
Don't, whatever you do,
get down at the business end of things.
What goes on down there
is really nothing to do with you.
Your mother
-I don't wanna hear about that.
-What?
-I don't wanna hear about
-Your mother?
the business end
when my mother was giving birth to me.
That is not imagery
I will ever need in my head.
It was a major event getting you out.
Well, it was like when you go on stage.
Instead of just, sort of,
coming out and saying, "Hello, world."
"Wee baby, baby," you came out like
"Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Whitehall!"
That's how I came out
of my mother's vagina?
Like I walk out onto the stage?
There was an announcer, was there?
You were big when you came out,
I can tell you.
-This huge head came through.
-Mm.
And your mother never recovered from it.
I mean, it took her weeks
before she could even walk.
And now I mean,
don't tell her that I've told you this
If you look at her very carefully
when she's walking,
still slightly lopsided.
She's developed what I'd call a waddle.
I mean not not in a big way
-Just a little waddle?
-Yeah.
Right, so I can't even get the wheel in.
-Oh, you did it!
-Yeah, I did it.
-Okay, this is good.
-Pretty much, okay.
Did you cut my umbilical cord?
Your what?
-My umbilical cord.
-I've never got involved with any of that.
No, I think your problem now
is you're getting far too technical.
Talking about am albi albilico?
-Umbilical cords?
-Yeah.
Your mother's coming.
Look at that walk.
You did that.
Do you need any help?
No. Well, I could have done with
some help about 20 minutes ago.
Roxy and I have done it now.
And she's gone for a nap.
How did you get on?
Been getting some advice
on fatherhood from Michael.
-How's that gone?
-I would say, yeah, mixed results.
To be honest, Jack,
you're asking the wrong parent.
As you know, I worked
as a postnatal doula for ten years.
I don't think you have any idea
what is coming down the tracks at you.
As Daddy found out,
you get chucked in at the deep end.
-Yeah.
-And it's sink or swim.
Not a great analogy
for Michael, obviously.
'Cause he can't swim!
I only couldn't swim because of the monks.
What do you mean because of the monks?
Because of the monks
who taught swimming at my school.
- They were all wearing habits.
- You live and learn, Jack.
But they were not allowed to take their
clothes off and jump in the swimming pool.
Every day, when I go to swimming pools,
I think, "If only I could swim."
Why you going to swimming pools every day?
Well, I often go and hang
around swimming pools.
Not something I would admit to on camera!
Whilst Michael headed off to loiter
around his local leisure center,
Hilary decided to pop round
for a parenting pep talk,
armed with some old baby photos.
-Oh, that's sweet.
-Little baby. Look.
Look, so cute.
-That's a little problematic.
-Why?
-Why have you put me in a Rasta hat?
-It's Peruvian.
Sorry, so it's Latin America that you've
made me culturally appropriate as a baby.
- I love it.
- That could get me cancelled.
Now I'm genuinely terrified
about what else we might find there.
Please don't have me in a turban.
- Oh, I love this one.
- Now look at that hot mess.
You know, I see an image like that and,
genuinely, for the first time in my life,
I'm like, I get it.
I get why you sent me to boarding school.
I'd sent that to boarding school.
- It's worth it, Jack.
- It's worth it?
I promise you. I mean,
how are you feeling about it all?
-Just pretty overwhelmed.
-Yeah.
I think for a while,
it didn't really feel real.
And now, as the due date is imminent,
suddenly I'm just quite scared.
Yeah. I mean, we all are.
It's a seismic, seismic change.
And, of course
Roxy will be feeling that as well.
I have kind of been
burying my head in the sand.
Yeah.
And now I think I probably need
to engage with this a bit more.
I think you do.
Obviously, I met Roxy and I realized
that I'd met the love of my life.
And we wanted to take things to this
next stage of our lives and have a kid,
and I've realized it is
something that I really want.
I'm, like, so excited
to have a baby, and to be a dad,
and to start my own family.
But with that comes so much more anxiety.
I spend nights not able to sleep because
I'm worried I'm not gonna be a good dad.
You absolutely will, Jack.
You're gonna be great.
You're gonna be a great dad.
And Roxy's gonna be an amazing mom.
-I know it.
-Yeah.
So, the other thing that you need to just
literally keep a handle on, both of you.
Making sure that we still
-That's not quite what I was thinking.
-Oh.
I was actually just gonna say to you,
the thing that you need to keep going
when this baby arrives is you both
need to keep your sense of humor.
Right.
Quite different.
So not
-Well, that as well. Yeah.
-Yeah.
Do some of my funniest work up there.
Do I need to know that?
No.
Spurred on
to get myself baby-ready,
Hilary suggested the first step
was taking antenatal classes.
Right. In here?
Mm-hmm.
Roxy had gone to all of ours
whilst I was away on tour.
So I decided I would
sign up for a crash course
as I needed to catch up quick.
-Hiya. Hey, are you Tori?
-Welcome. I am, hi.
Hey, Jack, nice to meet you.
How are you? This is Michael.
-Hello.
-Hello, I'm Tori, the midwife.
I feel a bit guilty that
I've missed these antenatal classes.
There's a guy over there
that's been to five of them already.
Anyway, I'm gonna make up for lost time.
Today is all about changing my attitude.
I'm gonna roll up my sleeves,
I'm gonna get involved,
and I'm gonna take this seriously.
Welcome to your first
Bump & Baby Club class.
Just want us all to go around the room
and introduce ourselves.
I'm Anjali,
and this is my partner Sandeep,
and I'm 26 weeks pregnant at the moment.
I'm Jack, my baby is due
in a couple of months.
Uh, we're using a surrogate.
This is my sugar daddy, Michael.
Very funny.
The problem with Jack is that he says
he's going to take
the whole parenting thing seriously.
But I know he's just
going to carry on acting the fool.
The boy just needs to grow up, fast.
So, who's ready to talk about labor?
No, thank you.
As in women going into labor,
not the political party.
Well, you never know nowadays.
They creep up on you.
What are the kind of things
you might do at home when you're in labor
in order to encourage
that kind of love hormone?
- Massages?
- Absolutely.
That's a really fantastic one,
and that comes back to touch,
and that kind of skin-to-skin contact.
-Have you ever given Mommy a massage?
-No.
-He wasn't present for any of the labor.
-I have had massages.
Yes.
Relief massages sometimes.
Physio, to be clear. He's had
physiotherapy, not relief massages.
-Never say that out loud again.
-No.
If you feel able and comfortable to,
I'd like to get ladies, pregnant people,
on the floor, between your partner's legs.
- Do you guys feel okay to take part?
- No.
-Yes. Why?
-Not, no! No way!
It'll be useful for me to learn, won't it?
- Absolutely.
- Come on.
-Sit!
-But I'll never get up again.
-Okay?
-Yeah.
-Not on your knees. Not on your knees.
-Like that?
What are you doing?
No one is in that position.
Like that?
I'm not milking you.
Sit on your arse!
Not on all fours.
There.
-Like this?
-Yes. Comfortable?
Um, I would say probably as uncomfortable
as I have ever been.
Wanna go from the base of the back
with the tip of your fingers
and come up to the back base of the neck
and out onto the shoulders.
What about this move here?
This one I call the dandruff brush.
I do not have dandruff.
Not anymore.
We're trying to keep
our oxytocin levels really high.
So we might want to whisper in our
partner's ear some positive affirmations.
Maybe something like,
"I hold a safe space for you to birth."
-I hold a safe space for you
-Oh!
So, it can seem a bit cringey.
But the more that you do these at home,
the better that they feel.
You are the mother goddess.
What? I need to practice.
Your womb is a portal to new happiness.
I do not want to be a portal.
Having got Michael's
oxytocin levels sky-high,
we learned the uncomfortable fact that
almost 9 out of 10 first vaginal births
can end up in some form of tear.
Luckily, though, there was
something we could do to help.
So we're now going to talk
about perineal massage.
What the fuck
is perineal massage?
A massage of the perineum.
The perineum.
Your gooch.
Oh, my
Even Hilary
isn't allowed near that.
It's quite an intimate topic. I'm going
to take you individually to the model.
There's a mo There's a model?
Not gonna lie. I wish I'd googled
what an antenatal class was
before I invited my dad along with me.
Was not expecting it to be so tactile.
Michael, please join us
in the salon privé.
So, do you know anything
about perineal massage?
-No, I do not.
-Sorry. Gave me a bit of a shock there.
-Been a while has it?
-Yes.
I do not know much about perineal massage.
-Okay. It's this area, the perineum.
-Yeah.
The part between the vagina
and the anus there.
So, this part needs to stretch
when baby is being born.
So, there are some techniques
that can be used just to help that area
to gain elasticity and be prepared.
And probably on the day,
if you were doing this,
you wouldn't have your partner's
father-in-law observing on a sofa.
It's a very intimate
and private time.
That would be number one on the checklist.
Yes. Absolutely.
Okay, so
Imagine if this is the face of a clock,
you're going from 3 to 9.
Right.
-So, just?
-Oh, Jack, what are you doing?
What, you're all of a sudden
the master on perineal massages?
You didn't know perineums existed
until five minutes ago.
It's delicate, it's not sort of shoving.
Like a builder's merchant down there.
Seeing Jack fumbling around
with that plastic vagina,
I'm amazed
he got Roxy pregnant in the first place.
Okay, so it might be good
to see what's going on as well.
Yeah.
He looked like a chimp
trying to get peanut butter out of a jar.
- Do you want to have a go?
- No, don't think so.
They've got a '60s model
with a bit more foliage
if that would make you feel
more comfortable.
No.
Studies have shown
that having a supportive birth partner
has a positive effect on new mothers.
So Tori suggested I looked into
something called empathy bellies
to understand some
of what Roxy was going through.
The pregnancy simulator, Empathy Belly.
I ordered it online.
Empathy belly instructor training manual.
"Pregnant brea"
Oh, the breasts do get much bigger.
That is one of the best things
about pregnancy.
Absolutely enormous.
Developed as a training device
to help nurses and birth partners
understand what it's like to be pregnant,
or a professional darts player.
By strapping on the 13-kilo bump,
it puts strains
on all the right parts of the body.
Oh, that's heavy.
- Bub?
- Hey.
-What do you think?
-What is that? That is so stupid.
My Empathy Belly.
-Is it heavy?
-Yeah.
-It's a weighted pregnancy simulator.
-Can I feel it?
It's so I can experience
what it's like to be pregnant.
-Oh my God, that is so
-I ordered it online.
So now I'm just gonna do all the things
that I would normally do with this.
-Then I'll understand how difficult it is.
-You gotta stop drinking.
I could stop drinking
for the next nine hours, I reckon.
Try nine months!
-There are limits to my empathy, babe.
-Mm-hm.
What are the chances of
a cheeky little pregnancy massage?
-You are joking?
-Give my back
You haven't given me one massage.
Give my perineum the once over.
Ew. You're so gro
I want to understand
exactly what it's like to be pregnant.
To be fair, this is also the body
I plan to have once I become a dad.
-With the moobs?
-Full dad bod with moobs.
I'm going for dinner with Dad tonight.
And I'm gonna wear this.
Does he know
you're gonna turn up like that?
No, he might not even notice.
Do you know what I mean?
He's so in his own world.
I was also, at dinner, planning on
running some baby names past my dad.
-Yeah?
-Come up with fake ones.
-Just to try and rile him up.
-Yeah?
After a hard day's empathizing,
it was time to meet up for dinner
with the country's least empathetic man.
Hi, Mikey.
Oh, you're here at last.
What the fuck have you come as?
It's an Empathy Belly.
-A what?
-It's an Empathy Belly.
Been wearing it all day so I understand
what it's like for Roxy to be pregnant.
Ridiculous.
-You gonna help me pull out my chair?
-No. Just pull it out yourself.
-You're gonna let me do it on my own?
-Yeah.
Wow.
That is good to get the load off my feet.
Oi! Excuse me. Eyes up here.
This is a medical apparatus
that I am wearing. Okay?
Designed to help me
empathize with my partner.
And you know what? It's incredible.
Your mother,
when she was in that condition,
she had an enormous pair
-Hi, guys.
-Hello. How are you?
- Good. Are you ready to order?
- Are you paying or am I?
I will pay.
I'll have a glass of the champagne
and a dozen oysters, please.
I'll just have a Caesar salad.
Thank you.
I was also planning as well,
so that I can empathize with the pain
of the actual birthing of the child
Yeah.
to at some point allow Roxy
to kick me in between the legs.
Well, I'm sure she'd be delighted
to do that anytime, really.
-Wouldn't she?
-Yeah.
And also several other people,
I would have thought.
You could get a well-controlled
queue of people
who were ready to come in
and kick you in the balls.
Yeah. Oh, do you know
what I was gonna do this evening?
-What was that?
-Run a couple of baby names past you.
-Oh yeah, you can.
-Right?
-Mm-hmm.
-Boi.
Mm-hmm.
No, that is the name, Boi.
-Boy?
-Boi. B-O-I.
It's an Asian name.
-Ridiculous.
-What?
-Well, absolutely ridiculous.
-Boi Whitehall.
No, that's absolutely ludicrous.
Pebble.
-Pebble?
-Pebble.
If you call the child Pebble,
when it went to school,
it would be the most bullied child
in the entire school
multiplied by 100.
The Rock?
He didn't get bullied at school, did he?
-Completely different. He was a wrestler!
-It's not!
-Yes. The Rock. Pebble.
-If you wanted your son What?
-They're both stones.
-Pebble's different from a rock.
Maybe I could call it
The Pebble for a bit,
and then as it grows a little bit older,
I would change the name to The Stone.
-Yeah.
-It would eventually become The Boulder.
Or The Rock or The Cliff, or just Cliff.
Because that's actually quite a good name.
Cliff. I'm gonna write Cliff down.
Why couldn't you give the child
a good start in life?
And give it a classy name?
-I'm workshopping a couple of them.
-No.
It's good to get feedback.
Let's move onto the girl's names.
-Yeah?
-Uh, Ketamine.
-Ketamine?
-Yeah, Ketamine.
I think it means goddess of the sky.
-It's Greek. So, it would be Ketamine.
-Definitely not.
Or Kay for short.
-No?
-No, no.
You couldn't imagine her
bouncing up and down on your knee?
No.
-Ketamine bump?
-No.
-Nope?
-Couldn't imagine any of that.
Okay.
Well, come on. Give me a name, then.
Well, I think the nicest thing
you could do is call your daughter Hilary,
after your mother.
-Do you know how confusing that would be?
-And if it's a son, you could also
call him Hilary.
Because, of course,
Hilary is a man's name.
And if you had two children,
a boy and a girl,
the dream for Mummy would be
that you called your son Hilary
and your daughter Hilary too.
- So I would have two children
- Yeah.
-of two different sexes
-Yeah. Both called Hilary.
-Both would be named after my mother.
-Yes.
And you can't envisage a world in which
that might be a bit confusing?
No, they'd know
who you were talking about.
The only person that would not think that
was a terribly good idea would be Roxy.
Yeah.
If you told her you'd decided
definitely you wanted to
To call all the children Hilary.
call all the children Hilary,
you might be in a bit of trouble.
Jack.
Jack!
Like, I genuinely think I might be
one of the most inadequate people
you could possibly imagine
to become a dad.
How am I gonna do it?
Right, Jack, come here.
I've had enough of you. I've warned you.
I said do not go on that path. Come here.
Then again, I look at my dad.
And then I think, if he could do it,
three times,
then, fuck it. Maybe I'll be fine.
The big day was fast approaching,
and I still had zero idea
what to expect during the delivery.
As an ex-doula, Hilary suggested
I should experience birth up-close.
So, she got in contact
with a few of her old colleagues.
After shipping Roxy off
for a relaxing spa day,
we headed to the Whittington Hospital.
Don't wander around into any of the wards.
You'll distress the patients.
They might think you're the Grim Reaper.
So, if you just keep close to us, please.
NHS Midwife Elizabeth Idowu was waiting
to guide me through what I could expect.
-Look, there's a lady coming.
-Is there somebody coming?
-Welcome.
-Hello!
-Hi. Hilary Whitehall, lovely to meet you.
-I'm Elizabeth, nice to meet you.
What can I do for you guys?
I wanna try and be the best
birthing partner that I can possibly be.
I want to experience everything today,
gain a lot of knowledge
so that I can be helpful
when it comes to the big moment
and not shit my pants.
You might still shit yourself on the day,
but I can help prep you
-Yeah, less likely to.
-I've got you. I've got you.
There are actual women
in the rooms giving birth right now.
-What?
-Yeah.
So if you hear screaming,
just deep breaths.
Oh my God.
So, welcome.
This is one of our birthing suites.
- This is where Mom will have baby.
- What?
I noticed that you have
a very massive bag.
-So I wanted to ask
-This is my dad bag.
-Your dad bag?
-Yeah.
This is all the things that I'm actually
going to be bringing into the hospital.
I've got stress balls,
I've got blankets, Ferrero Rochers.
- The calming crystal.
- It just gets worse.
No. These are genuinely
the things that she's asked for.
- That's the lavender spray.
- Nice. Yeah.
-Okay, can I be totally honest?
-Yeah.
This is probably, like,
the worst bag I've ever seen.
I wanted us to start on an exercise.
We have what we call a TENS machine,
which really helps women
with labor contractions at the beginning.
But if you were to wear it
with no contraction,
it gives you
what would feel like a contraction.
-So I can experience
-You can experience.
what it's like to push the baby out?
-You'd feel that pain of a contraction.
-Okay.
Switched to low level,
TENS are used as pain relief
because the nerve stimulation
releases endorphins.
But strapped up to my gooch
and cranked to 100,
the only thing in danger
of being released was my lunch.
All the pads are on.
So, who's gonna be
in charge of this equipment?
- The medical professional.
- I should.
-I was
-Absolutely not!
You're giving very evil,
Nazi scientist vibes.
Evil Nazi scientist?
- Yes.
- Where did that come from?
You look like Laurence Olivier
in Marathon Man, and it's very unnerving.
I have a very low pain threshold,
to be clear.
So maybe we start it very, very low.
Birth is very intrusive.
I know you feel uncomfortable,
but most women feel uncomfortable
with our hands going
Yeah, but most women,
when they're going into labor,
don't have their mom and dad at the end
of the bed, like, looming over them.
-I'm gonna start off gentle.
-You're loving this so much!
- No, I'm not
- Ooh! Oh.
Just sorry. Sorry.
I wasn't expecting it to be in my legs.
You know, it goes up to 100.
I only pressed 1.
- Okay. Yeah, but
- That was one?
That was one.
-That was one?
-Okay. One of a hundred.
- Okay. Yeah.
- 99 to go.
-Okay, I'd like the epidural now.
-And for your notes?
- I'll have the epidural.
- You're doing really well, Jack.
- You're fine.
- Oh fuck!
Anything there, Jack?
- How does that feel?
- Not great. I've had nicer sensations.
- I think we need to get on with this.
- No.
-I'm sorry. I think I should take over.
-No.
-This is the buttons that increase it
-Fine. Okay, all right.
So just take it slow.
-This one?
-Just press it more.
Fucking hell!
Now you know how I felt
giving birth to you, Jack.
-Where are you now?
-Twenty-something, 29?
- You're 29.
- 29, Jack, doing well!
-Twenty-nine.
-I think this will be like 3 cm.
Yeah, so
The baby would only be
3 cm out by this point?
- Your cervix would only be 3 cm open.
- Cervix.
-What have I got to get to?
-Ten.
-Ten?
-Ten, yeah.
Fucking hell!
Oh my God!
- Come on, breathe. Deep
- This is why people adopt!
Deep breaths, Jack.
- Deep breaths.
- Oh fuck!
Fifty, Jack. Amazing.
-Ah shit. Fuck.
-Remember, in
- Oh, Jack! Language!
- Oh fuck!
There are ladies here.
Oh, shitting ! Fuck!
Fucking wank, shit, fuck trumpet!
Jack, can I ask?
Does it actually hurt?
Does it actually hurt? It's agony!
It's like having electric shocks
through your cock and back and legs
all at the same time.
Ah! Oh fuck!
Fu What just happened there?
Okay, stop! Stop!
Oh my God, that is one of the most
painful things I've ever done in my life.
And I've read my dad's book twice.
Could you have
gone further, you think?
Anything further and I think we would
have been in anal prolapse territory.
Seeing how it's frowned upon wandering
into an actual birthing room unannounced,
Elizabeth had set up a simulation.
Come through.
Instructor Holly is trained
to act out the pain of childbirth,
which begs the question, why did I
have to undergo the TENS machine?
I'm currently wearing
a wearable birthing simulator
at the moment, underneath all this.
So we use it as a medical
training device for paramedics,
for the midwifery teams.
So this really helps people to learn
and make mistakes
in a controlled environment.
Great. This is a chance
for me to experience everything.
-Exactly. Mm-hm.
-Like a dress rehearsal.
And just like my birth,
Michael had found somewhere better to be.
The whole idea is
to prep you, so that on the day
you can really be empathetic
to your partner.
- Okay, we're having contractions.
- Yeah.
-Is it starting?
-It's started already, yeah.
-Jack, you need to hold her hand.
-Yeah. Okay.
Be useful, please.
-Remember, be breathing with her as well.
-Breathing.
Deep breaths at the moment.
Oh God.
Okay, deep breaths in.
- Yes.
- So deep breaths.
-Leave the crystal a minute. Deep breaths.
-Yep.
-In your nose, out your mouth.
-I feel pressure.
- Especially in my back.
- Definitely.
Okay, where should I put them, Mom?
-I can put them down there, like a runway.
-That's not hygiene. Put them up there.
Hils, pass me the lavender spray.
There's a time
I'll tell you to pant,
and then I just want you
to blow out candles, like
I've got some candles in here.
-Come back, Jack.
-No. Jack!
Remember I said less jokes,
get in the zone,
give the support she needs.
Okay.
-All right.
-Okay.
Do you feel like you're gonna push?
Okay, deep breaths. Deep breaths.
- Push, keep pushing.
- Yeah, keep pushing.
- You got this.
- Hold her hand.
- You've got this. Keep going.
- Go on.
-Is there a bit of head? Yeah?
-Well done. Want to have a look?
Uh Nah.
-Amazing, Mommy. Keep going.
-Come on.
-Oh God!
-Come on, keep pushing.
It's like the morning after a big sesh.
You've got a Guinness poo,
and you just Better out than in.
-Just, "Get out of me."
-Keep pushing.
"Get out of me, Satan."
- Push! Keep going.
- Breathing.
-Keep going. Deep breaths.
-Yeah, go on!
The birth simulator, hands down,
is one of the most bizarre things
that I have ever taken part in.
Great.
Try not to shout. Try not to shout.
Use all that energy to push. Okay?
It had a slight am-dram quality to it.
- Come on.
- Keep going.
- Keep going, keep going.
- All right, nearly at the ears.
- Oh God.
- Fucking hell! Like the whole head.
- Oh, wow! Oh my God.
- Deep breaths. Start pushing.
- Pant.
- Come on!
Deep breaths
Keep pushing, you've got this.
-You're doing so amazing.
-You're doing so well.
- You're perfect.
- You have a very resilient vagina.
Sorry.
-You Squeeze! Yeah!
-You're amazing.
-Congratulations, Mommy!
-We got Yes! Whoo!
- Congratulations!
- Oh, wow!
Oh!
Is he okay? Yeah?
-He's perfectly fine.
-We have lift off. Congratulations.
-Aw
-Well done.
- How did Jack do?
- I think you could have been a lot better.
I think you definitely got
more serious towards the end.
I think the best thing
is always support your partner.
Because you know her more
than any midwife will know her.
Whereas I know about vaginas
more than you'd know.
Stick to what you know,
which is your birth partner.
So it's the word of affirmations,
it's rubbing her hair,
it's reducing the jokes
when you need to reduce the jokes.
-That one is specifically for you.
-Yeah.
That is probably
the exact wake-up call that I needed.
Like, when it comes to the day,
I really need to focus
'cause I don't wanna be
flapping around like I was in there.
I can remember, actually,
when I had you, Jack,
the midwife said,
"Do you wanna help deliver the baby?"
So, I put my hands down and actually
helped lift you out, and there was this
-Out of yourself?
-Yeah.
There was an extraordinary moment where
almost the life is breathed into you.
And I can remember,
I can see it now in my mind's eye.
I can see your face
as you sort of came to, as it were.
It was extraordinary.
-I'm getting quite emotional.
-Little Mumsie.
-My baby.
-Oh, Mumsies.
Um that was extraordinary.
Was that just a ploy
to wipe all of that fluid on me?
Whilst I was
finally feeling prepped
for the practicalities of fatherhood,
I wasn't yet mentally prepared.
I'd been searching for solutions
to help me get into the right
headspace for what was to come,
and I thought I'd hit a breakthrough.
I think I'm quite deep
down the rabbit hole
of, uh, googling parenting right now.
I mean, this that I've found
is quite interesting.
It's a male fatherhood ritual
honoring the journey into fatherhood,
that originated in Mexico.
"There's much responsibility and fear
with a new baby."
"That's why it's important
for men to feel more peace."
"Letting go of Peter Pan syndrome."
That's me.
"Closing of the bones swaddling." I think
it's basically like returning to the womb.
So are you considering
a trip to Mexico?
No, you don't have to go to Mexico
because they do it in LA.
Perfect. I'm gonna be in LA
in a couple of weeks doing some press,
so maybe whilst I'm out there,
I will get Tnah,
who is a postpartum doula-slash-witch,
to swaddle me.
I'd made it to LA for my press
engagements and was ready to be swaddled.
Roxy couldn't fly in her condition,
so I took Daddy,
remembering what a fan he was
of alternative therapies and Americans.
We're going to meet
a life-cycle celebrant.
What the fuck does that mean?
It's someone who is going to lead us
through a spiritual rite of passage.
And I will say goodbye to my existence
as the child and become the parent.
It's very American.
So, this woman that we're meeting
is going to be quite spiritual.
-Will you be respectful of that?
-What, like a nun or something like that?
-She's not a nun.
-No?
No, she's probably more like
a worshiper of Mother Nature.
What, you mean nude?
No.
Not nude.
Well, you mean they're not
Not naturists.
-'Cause I'm not getting my kit off.
-I haven't mentioned that.
I said she's spiritual.
Your head has gone straight to
you're gonna be asked
to take your clothes off.
When have I brought you into a situation
where you've had to take your clothes off?
-There have been occasions.
-Other than naked yoga?
-Yes, exactly.
-And the nudist beach in Australia.
Well, that's two.
-And Magic Mike.
-Three.
But other than those three times,
you've never been in a situation
where anyone has wanted you
to take your kit off.
But there's always room for a fourth,
and this could be it.
-No.
-You're promising me, yeah?
I'm pretty certain.
Having arrived in Sherman Oaks,
it was time to find out
what I signed us up for.
What you can expect today is a beautiful
ceremony that's going to start off
with you thinking about
the things you want to let go of.
You're gonna speak it out to the universe,
and we're gonna throw it in the fire.
And from that point, we can take you
and wrap you like a cocoon.
And in that cocooning,
there's going to be transformation.
How you feeling
about being wrapped like a caterpillar,
emerging as a butterfly?
I think I'm more of a snail, really.
I find that the men
who have taken an opportunity
to surrender to this process
have gotten something out of it.
-I think you need to start surrendering.
-I don't like surrendering.
You know me, Jack.
It's very French, surrendering.
She didn't mean that kind of surrendering.
Right.
I think my problem is basically that
I just don't feel like I'm prepared yet
for fatherhood because
I don't know. I'm a bit of a
Idiot.
I was gonna say dreamer.
-Oh sorry.
-I'm playful. You know?
I feel like I need to be more serious now.
I need to, you know, grow up.
Yeah, I would agree with that.
I called Roxy
so she could say goodbye to the old Jack
before he got mummified like a giant baby.
- Hey!
- Hey, I just called you to say goodbye.
I'm gonna emerge from this experience
as a new man, prepared for fatherhood.
The first stage is called an offering
where I need to write a load of things
I want to get rid of before I become
a father and chuck them into the fire.
Okay. Are you gonna
get rid of the PlayStation or
I'm not getting rid of my PlayStation.
Obviously, I'm gonna need that.
I thought you were gonna be reborn
as a better man.
Yeah, I mean But better men
can still play the PlayStation.
RIP Jack the lad. Long live Jack the dad.
We spent some time writing down
the negative character traits
that we wanted to be rid of.
Hope Daddy's got enough ink.
All right.
What do we have?
- I would like to relinquish
- I can't hear you.
- I would like to relinquish
- That's better.
my irresponsibility.
- You have been heard.
- Yes.
You have been heard.
I would like to cast away my immaturity.
Okay.
-Ridiculous.
-Let that one burn.
The ceremony was a little difficult
because it was very gusty.
Every time I was trying
to chuck them into the fire,
the wind was just blowing them out.
Maybe it was the universe telling me
that some of these things
I'm not ready to let go of.
Michael.
The things that I would cast
into the fire are 20 mph speed limits.
- These aren't
- Absolutely ludicrous.
But it's meant to be things about you.
New World wine.
Undrinkable.
-Oh Note on that one.
-This isn't Room 101. It
The Guardian.
Michael completely did not
understand the nature of that ritual.
And his list was so long. I mean,
I thought it was never going to end.
People who call the house
after six o'clock.
Voice notes.
Ugh!
Dreadful.
John Mullinger.
-Who the fuck is John Mullinger?
-He's a neighbor of ours.
Hilary's asked me to point out
that John Mullinger is a really nice guy,
just a little bit over familiar.
Anyway, it was now time
for the ceremony to begin.
What we're doing is
we are going to wrap you up like a cocoon.
You're gonna be like the caterpillar
that emerges like the butterfly.
-A beautiful butterfly.
-A beautiful butterfly.
I feel like Harry Houdini.
Don't try to bust out.
I didn't want to smother you.
My mother smothered me.
Then we're gonna wrap
and tuck him under here.
-You feel deeply held here?
-Very deeply held.
Okay, 'cause I want to take you
back to the womb experience.
Michael, would you like
to take off your jacket as well?
-Or do you want me to wrap you?
-I think I'm alright, actually.
- I think I could just stay here.
- No.
- What?
- For the full experience.
There's no point in doing this
and pulling out at the last minute.
- I'm not pulling out. I never pulled in.
- You are!
I don't know about you,
but I feel like a sausage in a skin here.
Okay. I'm putting this over your head
so that you guys can actually tune out.
And just let go
of where you're at right now.
I'm ready to guide you now.
We're going to go on a visualization.
I want to invite you to imagine yourself
in the warmth of the womb.
- My mother's womb?
- Your mother's womb.
I want you both to visualize yourself
as the sperm in the womb,
not the baby in the womb, okay?
Inhale deeply and envision
a warm encompassing light,
pouring in from the top of your head.
Listen to the sound of the heartbeat.
Am I still a sperm?
Are we still in
Am I still in the womb?
You're still in the womb,
and you're still in the dark.
I want you to feel yourself
at the beginning of creation.
I'd love to leave you now to
just sit in the music of the drum beat
before I come back and unwrap you.
At this point, I am beginning to
think that maybe reading a couple of books
and listening to the odd podcast
might have been an easier way
to prepare for parenthood.
This does feel quite extreme.
Michael?
Oh, sorry. I nodded off.
Where are we exactly?
- In the womb, I think.
- Yeah.
- Good to be back.
- Yeah. Oh God.
Yes.
I now know what it was like for
your mother and my wife.
No. 'Cause we're inside her.
Well, I'm not I'm inside her womb.
You're inside your mother's womb, I guess.
Unless you're also a sperm inside
Hilary's womb.
- I got a bit lost there.
- Yeah, I'm struggling a bit too.
Yeah. Good to try new things.
How many people can say
that they've been adult swaddled
with their dad?
You think
there's a reason for that?
I've never felt
closer to you in my life.
Well, you probably
never have been this close.
Why does your voice
sound like that?
It does genuinely sound like
you're drifting off into the afterlife.
Stay with us.
It's not your time, Daddy.
Do you think
I'm gonna be a good dad?
Of course you are.
You'll be a brilliant dad.
I mean, you did learn from the best.
Oopsie.
Oh no, Booboo! No!
He's putting grass in my mouth!
There's gonna be
a lot of moments in this documentary
where I complain about him as a father
and talk about some of his flaws,
but the reality is
he was the most amazing dad.
And I feel like that puts
almost even more pressure on me
because I so want to have
a successful and happy family.
And if I don't,
I will feel like such a failure.
Daddy?
What?
At least we're not naked.
Right now,
that is scant consolation.
I mean, if we're in the womb,
then technically we should be.
No way.
If I free my hand, I think
I can probably loosen your trousers.
Don't you dare!
I'm determined to become
the best dad that I can possibly be.
I will stop at nothing.
That is honestly one of the most horrific
experiences I've ever had.
It is literally like
watching Hannibal Lecter over there.
Daddy? Never thought I'd say this to you,
but you have a wonderful butt cleavage.
A wonderful what?
Michael says,
can you remember to get his Anusol?
God, that is so loud!
Leave that thing alone!
Whoa!
Where'd that come from?
Jack proving,
like his father, he's a bit of a tit man.
Oh!
We're also hearing Jack crying,
which is a new feature.
Little Jack,
who I'm delighted with.
I never dreamt that
I'd create something so darling.
And there it is.
Jack, the creation.
Diddle, diddle, diddle.
Booboo.
Oh, look at you Jack!
Wow, it's a new football shirt!
-One challenge!
-Go on!
It's for dearly
I mean, I'm definitely
not ready to have a baby.
I can't even keep a basil plant alive.
I literally cannot be held responsible
for watering a plant
that lives next to my tap.
Like, all I have to do to keep that alive
is just that motion there, like,
once a week, and I can't even do that.
And now I'm responsible for a human being.
It's fucking mental.
- You're here!
- Hey!
-Hello.
-Hi.
-How are you?
-Very well. Thank you. How are you?
-Jackie.
-Hey, how are you?
Nice to see you.
What's this box?
It's a gift, for you two. It's a pram.
When me and Roxy are off on holiday
and you're looking after the baby for us
-You'll need a pram.
-Dream on!
-We could have a go at this.
-I think we should.
I assume you've not put it together
because it's clearly still in a box.
-Should I get it?
-No, it's fine, I'll do it.
- I would help you
- No.
You're carrying something
far more important.
-See you in a bit.
-Bye.
I've got so many concerns
about becoming a parent.
I also want to look at the world
that I'm bringing a child into.
So I thought I would set out on a quest
to find those answers
and get the old man
out of the freezer as well.
Just a suggestion. Don't get too involved
with the sort of technical stuff.
Right.
The minute you appear
to know what you're doing,
at sorting out how to build the
one of those prams
-They keep asking for more?
-They'll be back for everything.
I'm here to make sure Jack
doesn't get led down a garden path
by these so-called experts.
Because Jack is quite naive.
I'd say, possibly simple?
Don't think
you can say that anymore.
Okay, well thick?
You're all right?
I think I'm all right.
I mean, it's imminent now.
-Yeah.
-Could literally pop at any moment.
And I'm gonna be a dad,
and you'll be a grandfather again.
What advice would you give me
for the actual birth?
'Cause that's something
I'm quite apprehensive about.
Don't, whatever you do,
get down at the business end of things.
What goes on down there
is really nothing to do with you.
Your mother
-I don't wanna hear about that.
-What?
-I don't wanna hear about
-Your mother?
the business end
when my mother was giving birth to me.
That is not imagery
I will ever need in my head.
It was a major event getting you out.
Well, it was like when you go on stage.
Instead of just, sort of,
coming out and saying, "Hello, world."
"Wee baby, baby," you came out like
"Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Whitehall!"
That's how I came out
of my mother's vagina?
Like I walk out onto the stage?
There was an announcer, was there?
You were big when you came out,
I can tell you.
-This huge head came through.
-Mm.
And your mother never recovered from it.
I mean, it took her weeks
before she could even walk.
And now I mean,
don't tell her that I've told you this
If you look at her very carefully
when she's walking,
still slightly lopsided.
She's developed what I'd call a waddle.
I mean not not in a big way
-Just a little waddle?
-Yeah.
Right, so I can't even get the wheel in.
-Oh, you did it!
-Yeah, I did it.
-Okay, this is good.
-Pretty much, okay.
Did you cut my umbilical cord?
Your what?
-My umbilical cord.
-I've never got involved with any of that.
No, I think your problem now
is you're getting far too technical.
Talking about am albi albilico?
-Umbilical cords?
-Yeah.
Your mother's coming.
Look at that walk.
You did that.
Do you need any help?
No. Well, I could have done with
some help about 20 minutes ago.
Roxy and I have done it now.
And she's gone for a nap.
How did you get on?
Been getting some advice
on fatherhood from Michael.
-How's that gone?
-I would say, yeah, mixed results.
To be honest, Jack,
you're asking the wrong parent.
As you know, I worked
as a postnatal doula for ten years.
I don't think you have any idea
what is coming down the tracks at you.
As Daddy found out,
you get chucked in at the deep end.
-Yeah.
-And it's sink or swim.
Not a great analogy
for Michael, obviously.
'Cause he can't swim!
I only couldn't swim because of the monks.
What do you mean because of the monks?
Because of the monks
who taught swimming at my school.
- They were all wearing habits.
- You live and learn, Jack.
But they were not allowed to take their
clothes off and jump in the swimming pool.
Every day, when I go to swimming pools,
I think, "If only I could swim."
Why you going to swimming pools every day?
Well, I often go and hang
around swimming pools.
Not something I would admit to on camera!
Whilst Michael headed off to loiter
around his local leisure center,
Hilary decided to pop round
for a parenting pep talk,
armed with some old baby photos.
-Oh, that's sweet.
-Little baby. Look.
Look, so cute.
-That's a little problematic.
-Why?
-Why have you put me in a Rasta hat?
-It's Peruvian.
Sorry, so it's Latin America that you've
made me culturally appropriate as a baby.
- I love it.
- That could get me cancelled.
Now I'm genuinely terrified
about what else we might find there.
Please don't have me in a turban.
- Oh, I love this one.
- Now look at that hot mess.
You know, I see an image like that and,
genuinely, for the first time in my life,
I'm like, I get it.
I get why you sent me to boarding school.
I'd sent that to boarding school.
- It's worth it, Jack.
- It's worth it?
I promise you. I mean,
how are you feeling about it all?
-Just pretty overwhelmed.
-Yeah.
I think for a while,
it didn't really feel real.
And now, as the due date is imminent,
suddenly I'm just quite scared.
Yeah. I mean, we all are.
It's a seismic, seismic change.
And, of course
Roxy will be feeling that as well.
I have kind of been
burying my head in the sand.
Yeah.
And now I think I probably need
to engage with this a bit more.
I think you do.
Obviously, I met Roxy and I realized
that I'd met the love of my life.
And we wanted to take things to this
next stage of our lives and have a kid,
and I've realized it is
something that I really want.
I'm, like, so excited
to have a baby, and to be a dad,
and to start my own family.
But with that comes so much more anxiety.
I spend nights not able to sleep because
I'm worried I'm not gonna be a good dad.
You absolutely will, Jack.
You're gonna be great.
You're gonna be a great dad.
And Roxy's gonna be an amazing mom.
-I know it.
-Yeah.
So, the other thing that you need to just
literally keep a handle on, both of you.
Making sure that we still
-That's not quite what I was thinking.
-Oh.
I was actually just gonna say to you,
the thing that you need to keep going
when this baby arrives is you both
need to keep your sense of humor.
Right.
Quite different.
So not
-Well, that as well. Yeah.
-Yeah.
Do some of my funniest work up there.
Do I need to know that?
No.
Spurred on
to get myself baby-ready,
Hilary suggested the first step
was taking antenatal classes.
Right. In here?
Mm-hmm.
Roxy had gone to all of ours
whilst I was away on tour.
So I decided I would
sign up for a crash course
as I needed to catch up quick.
-Hiya. Hey, are you Tori?
-Welcome. I am, hi.
Hey, Jack, nice to meet you.
How are you? This is Michael.
-Hello.
-Hello, I'm Tori, the midwife.
I feel a bit guilty that
I've missed these antenatal classes.
There's a guy over there
that's been to five of them already.
Anyway, I'm gonna make up for lost time.
Today is all about changing my attitude.
I'm gonna roll up my sleeves,
I'm gonna get involved,
and I'm gonna take this seriously.
Welcome to your first
Bump & Baby Club class.
Just want us all to go around the room
and introduce ourselves.
I'm Anjali,
and this is my partner Sandeep,
and I'm 26 weeks pregnant at the moment.
I'm Jack, my baby is due
in a couple of months.
Uh, we're using a surrogate.
This is my sugar daddy, Michael.
Very funny.
The problem with Jack is that he says
he's going to take
the whole parenting thing seriously.
But I know he's just
going to carry on acting the fool.
The boy just needs to grow up, fast.
So, who's ready to talk about labor?
No, thank you.
As in women going into labor,
not the political party.
Well, you never know nowadays.
They creep up on you.
What are the kind of things
you might do at home when you're in labor
in order to encourage
that kind of love hormone?
- Massages?
- Absolutely.
That's a really fantastic one,
and that comes back to touch,
and that kind of skin-to-skin contact.
-Have you ever given Mommy a massage?
-No.
-He wasn't present for any of the labor.
-I have had massages.
Yes.
Relief massages sometimes.
Physio, to be clear. He's had
physiotherapy, not relief massages.
-Never say that out loud again.
-No.
If you feel able and comfortable to,
I'd like to get ladies, pregnant people,
on the floor, between your partner's legs.
- Do you guys feel okay to take part?
- No.
-Yes. Why?
-Not, no! No way!
It'll be useful for me to learn, won't it?
- Absolutely.
- Come on.
-Sit!
-But I'll never get up again.
-Okay?
-Yeah.
-Not on your knees. Not on your knees.
-Like that?
What are you doing?
No one is in that position.
Like that?
I'm not milking you.
Sit on your arse!
Not on all fours.
There.
-Like this?
-Yes. Comfortable?
Um, I would say probably as uncomfortable
as I have ever been.
Wanna go from the base of the back
with the tip of your fingers
and come up to the back base of the neck
and out onto the shoulders.
What about this move here?
This one I call the dandruff brush.
I do not have dandruff.
Not anymore.
We're trying to keep
our oxytocin levels really high.
So we might want to whisper in our
partner's ear some positive affirmations.
Maybe something like,
"I hold a safe space for you to birth."
-I hold a safe space for you
-Oh!
So, it can seem a bit cringey.
But the more that you do these at home,
the better that they feel.
You are the mother goddess.
What? I need to practice.
Your womb is a portal to new happiness.
I do not want to be a portal.
Having got Michael's
oxytocin levels sky-high,
we learned the uncomfortable fact that
almost 9 out of 10 first vaginal births
can end up in some form of tear.
Luckily, though, there was
something we could do to help.
So we're now going to talk
about perineal massage.
What the fuck
is perineal massage?
A massage of the perineum.
The perineum.
Your gooch.
Oh, my
Even Hilary
isn't allowed near that.
It's quite an intimate topic. I'm going
to take you individually to the model.
There's a mo There's a model?
Not gonna lie. I wish I'd googled
what an antenatal class was
before I invited my dad along with me.
Was not expecting it to be so tactile.
Michael, please join us
in the salon privé.
So, do you know anything
about perineal massage?
-No, I do not.
-Sorry. Gave me a bit of a shock there.
-Been a while has it?
-Yes.
I do not know much about perineal massage.
-Okay. It's this area, the perineum.
-Yeah.
The part between the vagina
and the anus there.
So, this part needs to stretch
when baby is being born.
So, there are some techniques
that can be used just to help that area
to gain elasticity and be prepared.
And probably on the day,
if you were doing this,
you wouldn't have your partner's
father-in-law observing on a sofa.
It's a very intimate
and private time.
That would be number one on the checklist.
Yes. Absolutely.
Okay, so
Imagine if this is the face of a clock,
you're going from 3 to 9.
Right.
-So, just?
-Oh, Jack, what are you doing?
What, you're all of a sudden
the master on perineal massages?
You didn't know perineums existed
until five minutes ago.
It's delicate, it's not sort of shoving.
Like a builder's merchant down there.
Seeing Jack fumbling around
with that plastic vagina,
I'm amazed
he got Roxy pregnant in the first place.
Okay, so it might be good
to see what's going on as well.
Yeah.
He looked like a chimp
trying to get peanut butter out of a jar.
- Do you want to have a go?
- No, don't think so.
They've got a '60s model
with a bit more foliage
if that would make you feel
more comfortable.
No.
Studies have shown
that having a supportive birth partner
has a positive effect on new mothers.
So Tori suggested I looked into
something called empathy bellies
to understand some
of what Roxy was going through.
The pregnancy simulator, Empathy Belly.
I ordered it online.
Empathy belly instructor training manual.
"Pregnant brea"
Oh, the breasts do get much bigger.
That is one of the best things
about pregnancy.
Absolutely enormous.
Developed as a training device
to help nurses and birth partners
understand what it's like to be pregnant,
or a professional darts player.
By strapping on the 13-kilo bump,
it puts strains
on all the right parts of the body.
Oh, that's heavy.
- Bub?
- Hey.
-What do you think?
-What is that? That is so stupid.
My Empathy Belly.
-Is it heavy?
-Yeah.
-It's a weighted pregnancy simulator.
-Can I feel it?
It's so I can experience
what it's like to be pregnant.
-Oh my God, that is so
-I ordered it online.
So now I'm just gonna do all the things
that I would normally do with this.
-Then I'll understand how difficult it is.
-You gotta stop drinking.
I could stop drinking
for the next nine hours, I reckon.
Try nine months!
-There are limits to my empathy, babe.
-Mm-hm.
What are the chances of
a cheeky little pregnancy massage?
-You are joking?
-Give my back
You haven't given me one massage.
Give my perineum the once over.
Ew. You're so gro
I want to understand
exactly what it's like to be pregnant.
To be fair, this is also the body
I plan to have once I become a dad.
-With the moobs?
-Full dad bod with moobs.
I'm going for dinner with Dad tonight.
And I'm gonna wear this.
Does he know
you're gonna turn up like that?
No, he might not even notice.
Do you know what I mean?
He's so in his own world.
I was also, at dinner, planning on
running some baby names past my dad.
-Yeah?
-Come up with fake ones.
-Just to try and rile him up.
-Yeah?
After a hard day's empathizing,
it was time to meet up for dinner
with the country's least empathetic man.
Hi, Mikey.
Oh, you're here at last.
What the fuck have you come as?
It's an Empathy Belly.
-A what?
-It's an Empathy Belly.
Been wearing it all day so I understand
what it's like for Roxy to be pregnant.
Ridiculous.
-You gonna help me pull out my chair?
-No. Just pull it out yourself.
-You're gonna let me do it on my own?
-Yeah.
Wow.
That is good to get the load off my feet.
Oi! Excuse me. Eyes up here.
This is a medical apparatus
that I am wearing. Okay?
Designed to help me
empathize with my partner.
And you know what? It's incredible.
Your mother,
when she was in that condition,
she had an enormous pair
-Hi, guys.
-Hello. How are you?
- Good. Are you ready to order?
- Are you paying or am I?
I will pay.
I'll have a glass of the champagne
and a dozen oysters, please.
I'll just have a Caesar salad.
Thank you.
I was also planning as well,
so that I can empathize with the pain
of the actual birthing of the child
Yeah.
to at some point allow Roxy
to kick me in between the legs.
Well, I'm sure she'd be delighted
to do that anytime, really.
-Wouldn't she?
-Yeah.
And also several other people,
I would have thought.
You could get a well-controlled
queue of people
who were ready to come in
and kick you in the balls.
Yeah. Oh, do you know
what I was gonna do this evening?
-What was that?
-Run a couple of baby names past you.
-Oh yeah, you can.
-Right?
-Mm-hmm.
-Boi.
Mm-hmm.
No, that is the name, Boi.
-Boy?
-Boi. B-O-I.
It's an Asian name.
-Ridiculous.
-What?
-Well, absolutely ridiculous.
-Boi Whitehall.
No, that's absolutely ludicrous.
Pebble.
-Pebble?
-Pebble.
If you call the child Pebble,
when it went to school,
it would be the most bullied child
in the entire school
multiplied by 100.
The Rock?
He didn't get bullied at school, did he?
-Completely different. He was a wrestler!
-It's not!
-Yes. The Rock. Pebble.
-If you wanted your son What?
-They're both stones.
-Pebble's different from a rock.
Maybe I could call it
The Pebble for a bit,
and then as it grows a little bit older,
I would change the name to The Stone.
-Yeah.
-It would eventually become The Boulder.
Or The Rock or The Cliff, or just Cliff.
Because that's actually quite a good name.
Cliff. I'm gonna write Cliff down.
Why couldn't you give the child
a good start in life?
And give it a classy name?
-I'm workshopping a couple of them.
-No.
It's good to get feedback.
Let's move onto the girl's names.
-Yeah?
-Uh, Ketamine.
-Ketamine?
-Yeah, Ketamine.
I think it means goddess of the sky.
-It's Greek. So, it would be Ketamine.
-Definitely not.
Or Kay for short.
-No?
-No, no.
You couldn't imagine her
bouncing up and down on your knee?
No.
-Ketamine bump?
-No.
-Nope?
-Couldn't imagine any of that.
Okay.
Well, come on. Give me a name, then.
Well, I think the nicest thing
you could do is call your daughter Hilary,
after your mother.
-Do you know how confusing that would be?
-And if it's a son, you could also
call him Hilary.
Because, of course,
Hilary is a man's name.
And if you had two children,
a boy and a girl,
the dream for Mummy would be
that you called your son Hilary
and your daughter Hilary too.
- So I would have two children
- Yeah.
-of two different sexes
-Yeah. Both called Hilary.
-Both would be named after my mother.
-Yes.
And you can't envisage a world in which
that might be a bit confusing?
No, they'd know
who you were talking about.
The only person that would not think that
was a terribly good idea would be Roxy.
Yeah.
If you told her you'd decided
definitely you wanted to
To call all the children Hilary.
call all the children Hilary,
you might be in a bit of trouble.
Jack.
Jack!
Like, I genuinely think I might be
one of the most inadequate people
you could possibly imagine
to become a dad.
How am I gonna do it?
Right, Jack, come here.
I've had enough of you. I've warned you.
I said do not go on that path. Come here.
Then again, I look at my dad.
And then I think, if he could do it,
three times,
then, fuck it. Maybe I'll be fine.
The big day was fast approaching,
and I still had zero idea
what to expect during the delivery.
As an ex-doula, Hilary suggested
I should experience birth up-close.
So, she got in contact
with a few of her old colleagues.
After shipping Roxy off
for a relaxing spa day,
we headed to the Whittington Hospital.
Don't wander around into any of the wards.
You'll distress the patients.
They might think you're the Grim Reaper.
So, if you just keep close to us, please.
NHS Midwife Elizabeth Idowu was waiting
to guide me through what I could expect.
-Look, there's a lady coming.
-Is there somebody coming?
-Welcome.
-Hello!
-Hi. Hilary Whitehall, lovely to meet you.
-I'm Elizabeth, nice to meet you.
What can I do for you guys?
I wanna try and be the best
birthing partner that I can possibly be.
I want to experience everything today,
gain a lot of knowledge
so that I can be helpful
when it comes to the big moment
and not shit my pants.
You might still shit yourself on the day,
but I can help prep you
-Yeah, less likely to.
-I've got you. I've got you.
There are actual women
in the rooms giving birth right now.
-What?
-Yeah.
So if you hear screaming,
just deep breaths.
Oh my God.
So, welcome.
This is one of our birthing suites.
- This is where Mom will have baby.
- What?
I noticed that you have
a very massive bag.
-So I wanted to ask
-This is my dad bag.
-Your dad bag?
-Yeah.
This is all the things that I'm actually
going to be bringing into the hospital.
I've got stress balls,
I've got blankets, Ferrero Rochers.
- The calming crystal.
- It just gets worse.
No. These are genuinely
the things that she's asked for.
- That's the lavender spray.
- Nice. Yeah.
-Okay, can I be totally honest?
-Yeah.
This is probably, like,
the worst bag I've ever seen.
I wanted us to start on an exercise.
We have what we call a TENS machine,
which really helps women
with labor contractions at the beginning.
But if you were to wear it
with no contraction,
it gives you
what would feel like a contraction.
-So I can experience
-You can experience.
what it's like to push the baby out?
-You'd feel that pain of a contraction.
-Okay.
Switched to low level,
TENS are used as pain relief
because the nerve stimulation
releases endorphins.
But strapped up to my gooch
and cranked to 100,
the only thing in danger
of being released was my lunch.
All the pads are on.
So, who's gonna be
in charge of this equipment?
- The medical professional.
- I should.
-I was
-Absolutely not!
You're giving very evil,
Nazi scientist vibes.
Evil Nazi scientist?
- Yes.
- Where did that come from?
You look like Laurence Olivier
in Marathon Man, and it's very unnerving.
I have a very low pain threshold,
to be clear.
So maybe we start it very, very low.
Birth is very intrusive.
I know you feel uncomfortable,
but most women feel uncomfortable
with our hands going
Yeah, but most women,
when they're going into labor,
don't have their mom and dad at the end
of the bed, like, looming over them.
-I'm gonna start off gentle.
-You're loving this so much!
- No, I'm not
- Ooh! Oh.
Just sorry. Sorry.
I wasn't expecting it to be in my legs.
You know, it goes up to 100.
I only pressed 1.
- Okay. Yeah, but
- That was one?
That was one.
-That was one?
-Okay. One of a hundred.
- Okay. Yeah.
- 99 to go.
-Okay, I'd like the epidural now.
-And for your notes?
- I'll have the epidural.
- You're doing really well, Jack.
- You're fine.
- Oh fuck!
Anything there, Jack?
- How does that feel?
- Not great. I've had nicer sensations.
- I think we need to get on with this.
- No.
-I'm sorry. I think I should take over.
-No.
-This is the buttons that increase it
-Fine. Okay, all right.
So just take it slow.
-This one?
-Just press it more.
Fucking hell!
Now you know how I felt
giving birth to you, Jack.
-Where are you now?
-Twenty-something, 29?
- You're 29.
- 29, Jack, doing well!
-Twenty-nine.
-I think this will be like 3 cm.
Yeah, so
The baby would only be
3 cm out by this point?
- Your cervix would only be 3 cm open.
- Cervix.
-What have I got to get to?
-Ten.
-Ten?
-Ten, yeah.
Fucking hell!
Oh my God!
- Come on, breathe. Deep
- This is why people adopt!
Deep breaths, Jack.
- Deep breaths.
- Oh fuck!
Fifty, Jack. Amazing.
-Ah shit. Fuck.
-Remember, in
- Oh, Jack! Language!
- Oh fuck!
There are ladies here.
Oh, shitting ! Fuck!
Fucking wank, shit, fuck trumpet!
Jack, can I ask?
Does it actually hurt?
Does it actually hurt? It's agony!
It's like having electric shocks
through your cock and back and legs
all at the same time.
Ah! Oh fuck!
Fu What just happened there?
Okay, stop! Stop!
Oh my God, that is one of the most
painful things I've ever done in my life.
And I've read my dad's book twice.
Could you have
gone further, you think?
Anything further and I think we would
have been in anal prolapse territory.
Seeing how it's frowned upon wandering
into an actual birthing room unannounced,
Elizabeth had set up a simulation.
Come through.
Instructor Holly is trained
to act out the pain of childbirth,
which begs the question, why did I
have to undergo the TENS machine?
I'm currently wearing
a wearable birthing simulator
at the moment, underneath all this.
So we use it as a medical
training device for paramedics,
for the midwifery teams.
So this really helps people to learn
and make mistakes
in a controlled environment.
Great. This is a chance
for me to experience everything.
-Exactly. Mm-hm.
-Like a dress rehearsal.
And just like my birth,
Michael had found somewhere better to be.
The whole idea is
to prep you, so that on the day
you can really be empathetic
to your partner.
- Okay, we're having contractions.
- Yeah.
-Is it starting?
-It's started already, yeah.
-Jack, you need to hold her hand.
-Yeah. Okay.
Be useful, please.
-Remember, be breathing with her as well.
-Breathing.
Deep breaths at the moment.
Oh God.
Okay, deep breaths in.
- Yes.
- So deep breaths.
-Leave the crystal a minute. Deep breaths.
-Yep.
-In your nose, out your mouth.
-I feel pressure.
- Especially in my back.
- Definitely.
Okay, where should I put them, Mom?
-I can put them down there, like a runway.
-That's not hygiene. Put them up there.
Hils, pass me the lavender spray.
There's a time
I'll tell you to pant,
and then I just want you
to blow out candles, like
I've got some candles in here.
-Come back, Jack.
-No. Jack!
Remember I said less jokes,
get in the zone,
give the support she needs.
Okay.
-All right.
-Okay.
Do you feel like you're gonna push?
Okay, deep breaths. Deep breaths.
- Push, keep pushing.
- Yeah, keep pushing.
- You got this.
- Hold her hand.
- You've got this. Keep going.
- Go on.
-Is there a bit of head? Yeah?
-Well done. Want to have a look?
Uh Nah.
-Amazing, Mommy. Keep going.
-Come on.
-Oh God!
-Come on, keep pushing.
It's like the morning after a big sesh.
You've got a Guinness poo,
and you just Better out than in.
-Just, "Get out of me."
-Keep pushing.
"Get out of me, Satan."
- Push! Keep going.
- Breathing.
-Keep going. Deep breaths.
-Yeah, go on!
The birth simulator, hands down,
is one of the most bizarre things
that I have ever taken part in.
Great.
Try not to shout. Try not to shout.
Use all that energy to push. Okay?
It had a slight am-dram quality to it.
- Come on.
- Keep going.
- Keep going, keep going.
- All right, nearly at the ears.
- Oh God.
- Fucking hell! Like the whole head.
- Oh, wow! Oh my God.
- Deep breaths. Start pushing.
- Pant.
- Come on!
Deep breaths
Keep pushing, you've got this.
-You're doing so amazing.
-You're doing so well.
- You're perfect.
- You have a very resilient vagina.
Sorry.
-You Squeeze! Yeah!
-You're amazing.
-Congratulations, Mommy!
-We got Yes! Whoo!
- Congratulations!
- Oh, wow!
Oh!
Is he okay? Yeah?
-He's perfectly fine.
-We have lift off. Congratulations.
-Aw
-Well done.
- How did Jack do?
- I think you could have been a lot better.
I think you definitely got
more serious towards the end.
I think the best thing
is always support your partner.
Because you know her more
than any midwife will know her.
Whereas I know about vaginas
more than you'd know.
Stick to what you know,
which is your birth partner.
So it's the word of affirmations,
it's rubbing her hair,
it's reducing the jokes
when you need to reduce the jokes.
-That one is specifically for you.
-Yeah.
That is probably
the exact wake-up call that I needed.
Like, when it comes to the day,
I really need to focus
'cause I don't wanna be
flapping around like I was in there.
I can remember, actually,
when I had you, Jack,
the midwife said,
"Do you wanna help deliver the baby?"
So, I put my hands down and actually
helped lift you out, and there was this
-Out of yourself?
-Yeah.
There was an extraordinary moment where
almost the life is breathed into you.
And I can remember,
I can see it now in my mind's eye.
I can see your face
as you sort of came to, as it were.
It was extraordinary.
-I'm getting quite emotional.
-Little Mumsie.
-My baby.
-Oh, Mumsies.
Um that was extraordinary.
Was that just a ploy
to wipe all of that fluid on me?
Whilst I was
finally feeling prepped
for the practicalities of fatherhood,
I wasn't yet mentally prepared.
I'd been searching for solutions
to help me get into the right
headspace for what was to come,
and I thought I'd hit a breakthrough.
I think I'm quite deep
down the rabbit hole
of, uh, googling parenting right now.
I mean, this that I've found
is quite interesting.
It's a male fatherhood ritual
honoring the journey into fatherhood,
that originated in Mexico.
"There's much responsibility and fear
with a new baby."
"That's why it's important
for men to feel more peace."
"Letting go of Peter Pan syndrome."
That's me.
"Closing of the bones swaddling." I think
it's basically like returning to the womb.
So are you considering
a trip to Mexico?
No, you don't have to go to Mexico
because they do it in LA.
Perfect. I'm gonna be in LA
in a couple of weeks doing some press,
so maybe whilst I'm out there,
I will get Tnah,
who is a postpartum doula-slash-witch,
to swaddle me.
I'd made it to LA for my press
engagements and was ready to be swaddled.
Roxy couldn't fly in her condition,
so I took Daddy,
remembering what a fan he was
of alternative therapies and Americans.
We're going to meet
a life-cycle celebrant.
What the fuck does that mean?
It's someone who is going to lead us
through a spiritual rite of passage.
And I will say goodbye to my existence
as the child and become the parent.
It's very American.
So, this woman that we're meeting
is going to be quite spiritual.
-Will you be respectful of that?
-What, like a nun or something like that?
-She's not a nun.
-No?
No, she's probably more like
a worshiper of Mother Nature.
What, you mean nude?
No.
Not nude.
Well, you mean they're not
Not naturists.
-'Cause I'm not getting my kit off.
-I haven't mentioned that.
I said she's spiritual.
Your head has gone straight to
you're gonna be asked
to take your clothes off.
When have I brought you into a situation
where you've had to take your clothes off?
-There have been occasions.
-Other than naked yoga?
-Yes, exactly.
-And the nudist beach in Australia.
Well, that's two.
-And Magic Mike.
-Three.
But other than those three times,
you've never been in a situation
where anyone has wanted you
to take your kit off.
But there's always room for a fourth,
and this could be it.
-No.
-You're promising me, yeah?
I'm pretty certain.
Having arrived in Sherman Oaks,
it was time to find out
what I signed us up for.
What you can expect today is a beautiful
ceremony that's going to start off
with you thinking about
the things you want to let go of.
You're gonna speak it out to the universe,
and we're gonna throw it in the fire.
And from that point, we can take you
and wrap you like a cocoon.
And in that cocooning,
there's going to be transformation.
How you feeling
about being wrapped like a caterpillar,
emerging as a butterfly?
I think I'm more of a snail, really.
I find that the men
who have taken an opportunity
to surrender to this process
have gotten something out of it.
-I think you need to start surrendering.
-I don't like surrendering.
You know me, Jack.
It's very French, surrendering.
She didn't mean that kind of surrendering.
Right.
I think my problem is basically that
I just don't feel like I'm prepared yet
for fatherhood because
I don't know. I'm a bit of a
Idiot.
I was gonna say dreamer.
-Oh sorry.
-I'm playful. You know?
I feel like I need to be more serious now.
I need to, you know, grow up.
Yeah, I would agree with that.
I called Roxy
so she could say goodbye to the old Jack
before he got mummified like a giant baby.
- Hey!
- Hey, I just called you to say goodbye.
I'm gonna emerge from this experience
as a new man, prepared for fatherhood.
The first stage is called an offering
where I need to write a load of things
I want to get rid of before I become
a father and chuck them into the fire.
Okay. Are you gonna
get rid of the PlayStation or
I'm not getting rid of my PlayStation.
Obviously, I'm gonna need that.
I thought you were gonna be reborn
as a better man.
Yeah, I mean But better men
can still play the PlayStation.
RIP Jack the lad. Long live Jack the dad.
We spent some time writing down
the negative character traits
that we wanted to be rid of.
Hope Daddy's got enough ink.
All right.
What do we have?
- I would like to relinquish
- I can't hear you.
- I would like to relinquish
- That's better.
my irresponsibility.
- You have been heard.
- Yes.
You have been heard.
I would like to cast away my immaturity.
Okay.
-Ridiculous.
-Let that one burn.
The ceremony was a little difficult
because it was very gusty.
Every time I was trying
to chuck them into the fire,
the wind was just blowing them out.
Maybe it was the universe telling me
that some of these things
I'm not ready to let go of.
Michael.
The things that I would cast
into the fire are 20 mph speed limits.
- These aren't
- Absolutely ludicrous.
But it's meant to be things about you.
New World wine.
Undrinkable.
-Oh Note on that one.
-This isn't Room 101. It
The Guardian.
Michael completely did not
understand the nature of that ritual.
And his list was so long. I mean,
I thought it was never going to end.
People who call the house
after six o'clock.
Voice notes.
Ugh!
Dreadful.
John Mullinger.
-Who the fuck is John Mullinger?
-He's a neighbor of ours.
Hilary's asked me to point out
that John Mullinger is a really nice guy,
just a little bit over familiar.
Anyway, it was now time
for the ceremony to begin.
What we're doing is
we are going to wrap you up like a cocoon.
You're gonna be like the caterpillar
that emerges like the butterfly.
-A beautiful butterfly.
-A beautiful butterfly.
I feel like Harry Houdini.
Don't try to bust out.
I didn't want to smother you.
My mother smothered me.
Then we're gonna wrap
and tuck him under here.
-You feel deeply held here?
-Very deeply held.
Okay, 'cause I want to take you
back to the womb experience.
Michael, would you like
to take off your jacket as well?
-Or do you want me to wrap you?
-I think I'm alright, actually.
- I think I could just stay here.
- No.
- What?
- For the full experience.
There's no point in doing this
and pulling out at the last minute.
- I'm not pulling out. I never pulled in.
- You are!
I don't know about you,
but I feel like a sausage in a skin here.
Okay. I'm putting this over your head
so that you guys can actually tune out.
And just let go
of where you're at right now.
I'm ready to guide you now.
We're going to go on a visualization.
I want to invite you to imagine yourself
in the warmth of the womb.
- My mother's womb?
- Your mother's womb.
I want you both to visualize yourself
as the sperm in the womb,
not the baby in the womb, okay?
Inhale deeply and envision
a warm encompassing light,
pouring in from the top of your head.
Listen to the sound of the heartbeat.
Am I still a sperm?
Are we still in
Am I still in the womb?
You're still in the womb,
and you're still in the dark.
I want you to feel yourself
at the beginning of creation.
I'd love to leave you now to
just sit in the music of the drum beat
before I come back and unwrap you.
At this point, I am beginning to
think that maybe reading a couple of books
and listening to the odd podcast
might have been an easier way
to prepare for parenthood.
This does feel quite extreme.
Michael?
Oh, sorry. I nodded off.
Where are we exactly?
- In the womb, I think.
- Yeah.
- Good to be back.
- Yeah. Oh God.
Yes.
I now know what it was like for
your mother and my wife.
No. 'Cause we're inside her.
Well, I'm not I'm inside her womb.
You're inside your mother's womb, I guess.
Unless you're also a sperm inside
Hilary's womb.
- I got a bit lost there.
- Yeah, I'm struggling a bit too.
Yeah. Good to try new things.
How many people can say
that they've been adult swaddled
with their dad?
You think
there's a reason for that?
I've never felt
closer to you in my life.
Well, you probably
never have been this close.
Why does your voice
sound like that?
It does genuinely sound like
you're drifting off into the afterlife.
Stay with us.
It's not your time, Daddy.
Do you think
I'm gonna be a good dad?
Of course you are.
You'll be a brilliant dad.
I mean, you did learn from the best.
Oopsie.
Oh no, Booboo! No!
He's putting grass in my mouth!
There's gonna be
a lot of moments in this documentary
where I complain about him as a father
and talk about some of his flaws,
but the reality is
he was the most amazing dad.
And I feel like that puts
almost even more pressure on me
because I so want to have
a successful and happy family.
And if I don't,
I will feel like such a failure.
Daddy?
What?
At least we're not naked.
Right now,
that is scant consolation.
I mean, if we're in the womb,
then technically we should be.
No way.
If I free my hand, I think
I can probably loosen your trousers.
Don't you dare!
I'm determined to become
the best dad that I can possibly be.
I will stop at nothing.
That is honestly one of the most horrific
experiences I've ever had.
It is literally like
watching Hannibal Lecter over there.
Daddy? Never thought I'd say this to you,
but you have a wonderful butt cleavage.
A wonderful what?
Michael says,
can you remember to get his Anusol?
God, that is so loud!
Leave that thing alone!
Whoa!
Where'd that come from?