Ja'mie: Private School Girl (2013) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1 ( theme music playing ) ( flute plays ) Season 1 "Episode 1" ( rock music playing ) Primadonna girl Fill the void up with celluloid Take a picture, I'm with the boys Get what I want 'cause I ask for it Not because I'm really that deserving of it Primadonna girl.
Woman: I'll never forget my time here as a Hillford girl.
It's so wonderful to be back.
Thank you.
As school captain of Hillford, I'd like to thank Mrs.
Dorothy Watson and Mrs.
Iris McKenna for coming to talk to us today as part of our Centenary Celebrations.
Wow, Iris.
To meet the oldest surviving Hillford girl is a privilege.
I'd now like to introduce to the stage my Year 12 prefects wearing the uniforms of the last 100 years of Hillford.
From Morgan in the uniform of yesteryear all the way through to me, wearing the familiar uniform of today.
We would now like to thank the ladies by showing them our dance presentation that we prepared especially for them.
( dance music begins ) Hi.
My name's Ja'mie.
I used to be Jamie, but I added the apostrophe in Year 8.
I'm 17 years old.
I live in Sydney, Australia, and I'm a private school girl.
This series is about my last few months of school and the events that changed my life forever.
Madison: We're the most expensive girls' school in the state.
- The most expensive? - Yeah.
We are.
It is.
We are, definitely.
It's really expensive.
And we top the state academically as well.
Yeah, that's 'cause of the Asian factor.
- Yeah.
They're all on scholarships.
- There's so many Asians.
Hillford's pretty much known for having the hottest girls in all of Sydney.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- It's like a known thing.
Like if you go to Hillford, people are like, "Oh my God, you must be so hot.
" I'm not even bragging, but me and my friends are all pretty much quiche.
Like if you couldn't tell from looking at us.
And if you don't know, "quiche" is a word that I made up.
It basically means hot, but like it's a step above hot.
It's like more than just hot.
I'd say basically quiche is hot to the point where you want to have sex with them.
- Oh yeah.
- Like rootable.
Like there's hot and then there's quiche.
One of the main measures of quicheness is your box gap.
Box gap, yeah.
Basically what it is is like if maybe you could pop up, Immy.
Yeah, you've got the best box gap.
Is like, you don't want the thighs to touch at all.
So you want sort of like at least a three finger.
- And I'll just demonstrate by - The more the better, basically.
If you've got your thighs rubbing together from fat, then you need to think about what you're eating Yeah.
or maybe just accept the fact that you're never gonna be quiche.
We should do like a mega sleepover at my house.
- Madison: Ja'mie's like our leader.
- Olivia: And we're all prefects.
Madison: That's kind of what brought us together this year.
Like we're all BFFs.
I had a different friend group last year but I had to get rid of them because Brianna, my bestie, was like She kind of got really weird and fat.
She's kind of indie now.
- Yeah - Like, she's got But like I'm still really nice if I see them around the playgrounds.
- Hi Ja'mie.
- Hi.
( giggling ) Oh my God.
Awkies.
I think sometimes it's better just to kind of let your friends go.
- Madison: You need to move on.
- Ja'mie: Just move on.
I'm the school captain, so I'm like the boss of the whole school.
And this is my team, my prefects.
- We're family.
- Say "hi.
" ( all laugh ) Okay guys, let's set up here.
So every morning we do gate duty.
So we have the ability to give out Friday detentions.
Phone off and in your locker.
You're on school grounds.
Write her name down.
What's her name? Three warnings and you get a Friday.
No wristbands in school.
No coffee on school grounds.
Wow.
Ja'mie: I feel like a lot of the younger girls really look up to us, though.
Get your mum to sort that out, Celeste.
I've spoken to you before about this.
- Get that pink shit off your bag.
- Take it off.
- This is the prefect room.
- Girls: Yeah.
So this is like the room where us as prefects chill out.
It's a prefect-only zone.
Excuse me, can you get away from the prefect room entrance? Move, away from the entrance.
I mean, being in Year 12, it's such a stressful year.
We've got a mat and stuff, and we do yoga some mornings.
- And just like chill.
- Olivia: It's really good.
I can't believe I've got a whole day ahead of me.
Did the cleaners vacuum this or not? Madison: Like, there's something about being a prefect that feels really good.
Yeah.
Like I always knew that I wanted to be one.
Ja'mie: Same.
Totes.
I definitely knew I was gonna be one from like Year 7.
And we all have the prefect promise that Ja'mie made up.
Yeah, the prefect promise.
Basically, the prefect promise is like a promise that we'll all like stick together as prefects no matter what happens.
Like a family.
Like any bad stuff that goes down, then Yeah.
We'll be there for each other.
For example, like, if one of us got depression and wanted to like kill themselves, then we as part of the prefect promise, we'd probably all kill ourselves.
- Yeah.
- I didn't know it was that extreme.
- No, it is.
- Yeah, it is.
Have a good first period, everyone.
I'm gonna miss you guys.
- I love you, Ja'mie, so much.
- Have the best time in English.
I'm the leader Well, I'm sort of like the mother hen of the group you could say.
Like I have to look after my little chickens.
Send me anything.
Send me selfies.
Just whatevs.
Any gossip.
Snapchat me.
All of you, I fucking love you.
- I love you, Ja'mie! - I fucking love you.
- I miss you guys already.
- Bye.
I love all of you.
What I'm seeing now I fucking love.
See you at recess.
- I love you.
- The usual spot.
- Bye.
- Oh my God.
ILY! ( overlapping chatter ) Love you.
Maddie, I'm really sad already.
- Aww.
I don't want to go.
- I can't go.
( girls whimpering ) - I fucking love you.
Oh my God.
- You're my best friend.
Yeah, I'm being an idiot.
- I'm an idiot.
I'm an idiot.
- Okay.
It's all right.
Oh God.
Totes.
Bye.
Text me any goss.
- Bye.
- We love you.
- I really love you.
Seriously.
- Bye! Madison: Ja'mie's like an all-rounder.
Basically she's good at everything.
Yeah.
I don't think there's any other way to put it.
Guilty.
( all laughing ) Yeah, I got the most Facebook friends in the whole school.
Yay.
- Yeah, look at her blazer.
- I know, right? Ja'mie: But yeah, I know I'm good at a lot of stuff.
I'm good at sport.
When I say "faster," I don't mean knock me out of the fucking boat.
I'm creatively amazing.
It feels really balanced now.
The performing arts.
I'm really good at the performing arts.
I love it here.
I really really love it here.
I'm basically what I like to say 'cause my name's Ja'mie I like to say I'm Ja'mazing.
Olivia: And Ja'mie's so caring and giving.
Seriously.
Ja'mie: Yeah.
I'm really caring.
Like I'm really good at raising money for the less fortunate.
You know, like we go around the playground quite a lot and I sort of have an ability to be able to like get money out of people.
Fuck off! This is for charity.
If I see someone in need, then I want to give back to them, - if you know what I mean? - Girl: That's such a good quality.
It's a charity thing.
I'm going out to the Western Suburbs, this really povo area where these African immigrants live, and it's really cute.
Hi, everyone.
Hi.
Basically I read to them and I just chill with them and hang out, play basketball.
Whatever's going.
Try and stop me.
Come on, come on.
Oh, soz.
Soz.
And there's some really quiche boys there too.
Cheese.
Like they're really povo, but they sort of look really fit - Girls: Yeah! - and kind of have hard abs.
- Because they're not eating.
- Oh my God.
So cute.
So cute! This is the Hillford Medalists honor board.
And basically what it is it's all the girls that have won the Hillford medal for the last 100 years.
And that's it's this really prestigious award that they give out to like the most amazing girl from Year 12 of that year and stuff.
You've got to be good at everything.
And this is the girl that won it last year.
She's not even that hot.
Yeah, but you're definitely gonna win the Hillford Medal this year.
- Like it's just - I probably will.
Like seriously, who else are they gonna give it to? - They wouldn't give it to anyone else.
- No.
That's the thing.
Imagine me in this frame, guys.
- It looks so right.
- Oh my God.
Ja'mie.
I totes nearly smashed it.
I am so random.
I can't believe I just did that.
Sorry.
So this is the new Centenary Center.
It's like amazing art classrooms and stuff.
It's really cool.
And see this thing they're getting this sculpture thing out the front.
And they're getting this really famous sculpture guy to do it.
And it sort of represents the ultimate Hillford girl.
Yeah.
It's gonna be really cool.
And Ms.
Welham announced the other day that the Hillford Medal winner is gonna be the girl that's in the sculpture.
- Oh my God.
You're gonna look so good in bronze.
- I know.
- I know! - Oh my God.
I've got to work out what pose I'm gonna do.
'Cause like it kind of lasts forever and it's gonna like I'm thinking maybe Like I don't want to do that like walking thing.
- No, yeah.
I want to sort of - ( overlapping chatter ) Do your leg out.
What about my hands kind of back a bit like that? - Maybe one on the hip? - Yeah, maybe one on the hip? - Yeah.
- That in bronze will be fucking amazing.
- Yeah.
- Seriously.
( song ends ) Thank you, Hillford! ( applause ) Ja'mie: Oh my God.
Seriously, like I so am praying that someone videoed it.
( girls chattering ) I think I saw Hannah she had her phone up.
Oh my God, what about when you did the slut drop? Seriously, I turned around and you were grinding the floor.
Girls, girls.
I saw the dance.
I reckon the gesture's great, but we've got to be careful that in delivery there's nothing inappropriate.
There wasn't.
The first place we start is with uniforms.
I want them done up now.
There is to be no undergarments seen at any time.
- Buttons done up.
- Girls: Can't even see anything.
Okay, and the other thing Excuse me.
The other thing is we need to get rid of some of those more risqué dance movements.
Yeah, but Sir, they were totally into it.
- Those women loved it.
- They loved it.
Those dance moves are okay for things like schoolies.
Do you know how much work we put into that dance, Sir? - I don't think you do.
- I can see that.
That's not the issue.
The issue is the way in which you represent the school.
Ja'mie: They loved it.
You are young women representing Hillford Girls Grammar.
Yeah.
And I'm not here to negotiate what goes on.
There is a line and we mustn't cross it in the future.
- All right.
- We clear on that? - Girls: Yes.
- Sorry, Sir.
All right, girls.
Off to class.
Quick.
Let's go.
We won't do it again, Sir.
- Make sure you don't.
- We won't.
Bye, Sir.
- Bye, Sir.
- Oh my fucking God.
What was that? Seriously, why are you even looking at my bra? Obviously his wife's not giving him what he wants.
It's like, "Seriously, why are you looking at my tits?" It's so awkies.
It's like, "You're 60.
" ( pop music playing ) Immy, I saw your new DP.
It's so quiche.
Did you take that in Chem? Madison, did you realize your Facebook status is "I love pussy"? Guys! Cray clouds.
I'm gramming.
- We should do a groupie.
- Yay! - Morgan, take it.
- Oh, okay.
Three, two, one.
Ja'mie: Well, at school I'm pretty much friends with everyone.
Like everyone thinks I'm really nice.
I'm getting in a photo of the Asians.
( laughter ) And I think, as school captain, that's a really good thing for me to be the ambassador of like niceness.
Hello.
Hello.
( laughing ) Oh my God.
I'm gonna gram it and I'm gonna hashtag fried rice.
- They're right there.
- I'm so random, but yolo.
Ja'mie, stop it! Ja'mie: Like I've got my BFFs, but like I'm nice to pretty much everyone in school.
Except the Boarders.
Hi, Lauren.
Hi, Boarders.
How you going? How's the boarding house? Looks fun.
You guys got changed really quickly.
I like how you just get into the school jerseys straight after school.
The Boarders are these girls, right, they live at the school, and they're from like farms and stuff.
Like they're rich, but they're like really kind of rural.
And all of them are pretty much lesbians.
So guys, what are you having for dinner tonight? - Lesbianese food or? - ( laughing ) Ja'mie, you're so funny.
So is it true that you guys are all vagitarians? Oh my God.
That is so mean.
- Oh my God, how fat is Erin? - Disgusting.
Seriously, she's put on so much weight.
Madison: Put down the fucking fork.
It's fucking ridiculous.
It's like someone's like pumped her up or something.
She looks like Hey, Erin, have you lost weight lately? You look really good.
Do you need a tampon, Ja'mie? 'Cause you're being a fucking bitch.
- Why? Do you want to stick it in me? - Heavy.
Ja'mie: I don't even know why I don't like them.
It's just like They're just really annoying, you know what I mean? They're sort of like fat and weird and They have stupid haircuts.
You know, it's like you're a girl, act like one.
Hey, Boarders, like you know on farms, do you have to have a license to drive a tractor? Like I seriously want to know.
Do you have tiny tits for any particular reason, Ja'mie? First of all, why the fuck are you looking at my tits anyway? More proof that you're a lesbian.
And secondly, shut the fuck up or I'll give you a Friday detention.
Don't ever bag Ja'mie's tits.
Yeah, the reason they're small is 'cause I had an eating disorder.
So it's not exactly a laughing matter, okay? Ja'mie.
So go fucking fist yourself.
All right, horse face.
I will.
Fucking bitch.
Give me that thing.
- Take it.
Take it.
- Fucking slut! ( all gasp ) ( laughing ) - Fucking bitch.
( gasps ) - Ja'mie, Ja'mie, Miss Elliott.
You've got a Friday by the way.
I'm writing it up.
- Jamie, what's going on here? - Miss Elliott.
Hi, Miss.
The Year 7s are throwing food and stuff.
Sorry.
Don't worry, I'll sort it out.
I'll get them to clean it up.
All right.
See you, Miss.
- Oh my God.
- Year 7s, get up.
Go and fucking clean up the milk.
And don't throw food around.
Pick it up.
Hurry up.
- Oh my God, that was so sick.
- See you, Lauren.
Enjoy checking out my ass as I walk away.
( rock music playing ) Oh my God.
( girls chatter ) Ja'mie: Well, after school, like if we don't have sport of whatever then we usually go to the bus stop.
That's like the place to go.
It's just down the road at the front of Kelton Boys Grammar.
And me and the girls, we know heaps of Kelton guys, so like it's just really good to chill.
News, goss, go.
Oh my God.
How was the dance? Was it cracking? - Oh my God.
Oh my God.
- It was so legit.
Ja'mie looked so quiche.
Seriously, I went like full slutty.
Like I had my buttons undone, and then Hayes afterwards busted me for showing too much cleavage.
But like seriously, he wants me so badly.
Yeah, you can tell.
I reckon he like full jizzed while I was dancing.
- Eww, Ja'mie, that's gross.
- Is he hot? Like silver fox? No, he's chat as.
Oh my God, that's disgusting to even think about.
I think it's important as a girl of my age and also my status within the school as school captain to socialize, especially with the other elite private schools.
So Kelton, like the guys there, like They're the future leaders of the country, if you know what I mean.
So like as me, it's good for me to sort of get in with them now so in the future I'll have connections for later in life.
Oh my God.
I do have goss from today.
( girls gasp ) There is a major hottie in Year 10 that's just started a rugby scholarship guy, and he is so fucking quiche.
I'm getting a semi just thinking about him.
- Eww.
Shut up.
Year 10.
- That is so adorable.
I love Year 10s.
- So is he legit quiche? - He's definitely quiche.
And he is fully your type, babes.
He's got bushy eyebrows.
He's a bit meat heady, like a hot face though, and like massive feet.
- And, you know, he seems pretty dumb.
- He sounds fucking incredible.
- You've got to arrange a meeting.
- Oh my God, Ja'mie.
He's in Year 10.
Um, care factor.
I fucking love Year 10s.
They're hot ass.
So who's he friends with? Like Josh and them? Yeah.
He's been chilling with Josh like all day.
I'm going to ask the Year 10s.
Um, excuse me.
Are you guys in Year 10? Do you know the new rugby scholarship guy? What's his name? - Mitchell.
- ( gasps ) Hot name.
Like bushy eyebrows, like kind of meat heady, a bit stupid.
But is he friends with Josh McLaughlin? Yeah? Well, he's totally coming.
Ja'mie, look quick.
There he is with Josh.
( gasps ) Oh my fucking God.
The guy on the right.
- Yeah, that's the guy.
- Seriously? Fuck my life.
He's so fucking quiche.
Oh my God, guys.
- Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
- He's really hot.
- I'm gonna talk to him.
- Yeah, go for it.
He's so hot, Ja'mie.
All right, your school captain is gonna do some socializing.
Yolo.
Stop it, Ja'mie.
Hi.
Mitchell? Hi, I'm Ja'mie.
I'm school captain of Hillford Girls Grammar.
Just wanted to welcome you to the area and stuff.
- And so rugby scholarship.
- Yeah.
- That's pretty cool.
- Yeah, it's cool.
Yeah, I can tell you look really sporty and stuff.
So yeah.
Really good to meet you.
Just wanted to generally sort of say hi, welcome, and all that.
So if you want to know anything about Hillford, then just chat with me.
Ja'mie, your mom's here.
Fuck my life! I told you fucking 3:10, not 3:0-fucking-7.
That fucking bitch.
Sorry, Mitchell.
I got to go.
But really good meeting you.
( girls chatter ) Hopefully see you around here and stuff.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
Love you so much.
Mwah.
I love you so much.
- Love you so much.
Mwah.
- I love you.
So fucking much.
- I'm gonna miss you.
Bye.
- I love you.
- I love you so much.
- Love you too.
- Bye, babes.
- Bye.
ILY, everyone.
ILY.
Bye.
Jhyll: Hi, Jamie.
Madison and Olivia are staying over, so thanks.
Oh.
Um, what do I do? You press the button, and you gotta have the key in first.
( chattering ) Shut up.
I know what I'm doing.
Jamie, you have to drive the car.
You have to focus now.
This is absolutely ridiculous.
Well, why do they put it on the same fucking side as the fucking indicator? Jamie, listen.
Okay, I'm going.
Drive.
Here we go.
Jamie, have you checked your blind spot? - Why isn't it going? - Because the handbrake is still on.
Well, take the fucking handbrake off before I get in.
- Jamie, you're the driver.
- It's annoying.
- Jamie, we've had this discussion before.
- We're going.
We're driving.
If you're not confident in driving, then you're not allowed to drive.
- Soz, I thought that was the accelerator.
- Oh for heaven's sake.
( clicking ) Why is the indicator still on? Oh my God, I can't believe it.
Seriously, how hot is Mitchell? Oh my God.
He's so quiche.
When I first saw him I was like, "Oh my God.
" ( all chattering ) He's got those eyebrows.
He's got the best body.
- He's really mature for his age.
- Oh my God.
Seriously, I cannot stop thinking about him.
Oh my God.
Please, watch out for the side of the road again.
Courtney, move, so Madison can get her fucking seatbelt on.
He looks really like mysterious and stuff.
Fucking little bitch.
Grow some tits.
You can't talk to your sister like that.
- Courtney, shh! - Yes, I fucking can.
Courtney.
I've got bigger tits than you, and when I was in Year 7, my tits were fucking way bigger than yours.
No, they were only mosquito bites.
I have like mangos.
Courtney! You are going to have the smallest tits an adult has ever had in the whole fucking world - because you're a fucking little bitch.
- Jamie.
Jamie.
Shut up.
- I'm going to tell your father about this.
- Seriously, I'm sick of her.
I am trying to drive while that little bitch is preventing my friends from wearing their safety devices.
Do you think I want you as a sister? You're so fucking irritating.
- Shut the fuck up.
- Courtney! - The world doesn't revolve around you.
- Okay, I've had enough.
Do you want me to slap you when I get home? - 'Cause I fucking will.
- You can't, - 'cause I'm faster than you.
- Shut the fuck up while I'm driving.
Jamie, you drive.
Courtney, would you please behave yourself? Whatevs.
I'm the boss of the car.
I'm driving.
Shut the fuck up.
- With two hands.
- I want to talk about Mitchell.
I should totally add him on Facebook.
Oh my God.
I'm gonna add him.
'Cause he'll be on Josh's.
There's a roundabout.
Jamie, there's a roundabout.
- I know.
I can do both.
- Use two Jamie.
- Jamie.
Jamie, honestly.
- He's on Josh's.
- Oh my God.
There he is, there he is.
- Oh my God.
- You're not gonna do it now.
- Oh my God, she did.
- I friend requested him.
- What? Oh my God! - Oh my God.
- Oh my fucking God.
- Jamie, please.
- I know how to text and drive.
- I'm not a fucking idiot.
- Jamie, it's illegal.
- Oh fuck, sorry.
- Sorry.
Um, well, if you didn't talk to me while I was trying to drive, there wouldn't be an issue.
You're gonna cause an accident.
- Jamie, you need to focus.
- Focus on yourself.
- Daddy's home! Hi, Daddy.
- Hello, darling.
How was school? Why are you guys home early? - Hi, Mandy.
- Mandy: Hi, Jamie.
Why are you guys home? Dad: We're flying interstate late tonight, doll.
Mandy's just helping me organize some paperwork.
Guys, this is Mandy, my dad's assistant.
- She's really quiche.
- Hi, Mandy.
Daddy, can we have pizza tonight? Marcus: Yeah, we can.
Is that a new iPad, Jamie? I hope that's not yours.
Yes.
I told you I needed one for school.
Really, and how did you pay for that? - Your AmEx.
- Ja'mie, we said we'd discuss it.
You don't need the new one.
The AmEx card is for emergencies only.
"Pwease," Daddy.
It's educational.
Jamie, you need to check with your father first before spending money.
Marcus: Yeah.
Shut up.
Who asked you? New cover.
Marcus: You know, Courtney doesn't even have a laptop yet, and you're out there buying iPads for yourself, Jamie.
Well, Courtney doesn't have a laptop 'cause she's banned from using computers 'cause she hacked into my Facebook, so it's her own frigging fault.
Have you told your father about schoolies week? Yeah, we booked Bali.
Again? This was to be discussed first, Jamie.
- Which accommodation? - The good resort.
Are all your parents agreeable to this, girls? Both: Yeah.
Jamie, the bottom line is you don't buy things without our permission, full stop.
Can you tell your loser wife to stop bitching in my face? Don't speak to your ma like that.
That is disrespectful.
- Where the fuck is my Coke Zero? - Marcus: Jeez.
Did you drink it? Fuck my life.
Don't touch my Coke Zero.
- Daddy.
- What? Can you make Jamie an iced coffee? Marcus: Jamie is a high achiever.
She's a very beautiful girl.
She's everything that a father would want in a daughter, but, you know, that being said, we have to rein her in every now and again.
I want one of your iced coffees.
- That should do me.
- No.
Go away.
"Pwease," Daddy? I'm "firsty.
" - I'm not your slave.
- Jamie "firsty.
" - Come on, Daddy.
- I'm not your slave.
Go away.
- I love you.
- I've had a long day.
- I'll let you be my friend on Facebook.
- Go away.
I'm blocking you from Facebook.
Marcus: We want the very best education for her, which I believe she's getting at Hillford.
Her Year 12 results are vitally important.
And I expect a lot from both my daughters.
We expect big things.
But Jamie man, she's special, though.
She's not only a very clever girl but she has proven herself to be a very kind and compassionate girl as well.
"A nest of ferns was her only place to rest.
It had been a thrilling day, but a day she would rather forget.
" The end.
That's it.
What do you say? - What do you say? - Thank you, Ja'mie.
All right.
Good night.
Going.
Bye bye bye bye.
- Oh my God, he is so adorbs.
- I know.
How fucking cute is he? - So how often do you read to him? - Like every night pretty much.
I'm doing "The Hunger Games" at the moment.
He fucking loves it.
He's pretty quiche for like an African guy.
Do you know what I love? I love it when he smiles.
'Cause it's like he's all black and then just bang this white thing.
Just this gleaming white thing coming out of his mouth.
- He's got the whitest teeth.
- He's so cute.
I'm trying to get him to take his top off on Skype, but he won't.
Ja'mie, can I sleep in the bed tonight? I'm really sick of the mattress.
Yeah, but I'm gonna do the lesbian prevention guard.
You're so funny, Ja'mie.
I'm not even fucking joking.
I'm fucking serious.
I'm not gonna wake up with your fingers in my vagina "accidentally.
" Shut up.
Oh, Ja'mie.
Check your phone and see if Mitchell's accepted your friend request.
- Yeah - I hope he has.
He hasn't.
( both groan ) I really want him to.
I'm starting to ship me and Mitchell so badly.
What can I do to make him love me? There's a Year 10 party coming up.
Would that be trag if we went? Whose place is it at? It's at Jordan Kingsley's, but all the Year 10 rugby guys are going.
- So Mitchell will be there.
- That could be good.
Like, I'd go like, I like the Year 10s are hot, - but it's kind of a bit creeps.
- It'd be kind of cute.
Fucking hell.
I've just thought of an idea.
What? Let's have a massive party here at my house.
- Oh my God, are you serious?! - Oh my God! Seriously! - I haven't had a party for like months.
- Oh my God.
That is the best idea.
Invite Mitchell.
Invite all the Year 10s.
Yes.
'Cause how much does Ja'mie have the best party house? - Oh my God.
That is genius, Ja'mie.
- I know.
Seriously, Around the pool.
And we could have a bubble machine.
- And get fairy lights.
- Yes! And a smoke machine.
- And a DJ.
- And we can have a DJ.
We can light up all the trees with fairy lights and shit.
- Yes.
Oh my God.
- Costume one or what? - I don't know.
- Too much pressure.
- Yeah, dress really nice.
- I know, 'cause you do slutty anyway.
- Yeah, you wanna look classy.
- Yeah yeah yeah.
I have to ask my dad.
Oh my God, this is the best idea ever.
Yes! Let's go ask him now.
Oh my God.
( squeals ) ( elevator dings ) Daddy.
Um, can I have a party? Like just us girls this Friday? - Just all of us.
- No.
No parties.
- Please? I really want one.
- No, it's Year 12.
I'm not having a bunch of teenagers, especially ones I don't know, in this house.
Daddy, please? Marcus: Jamie can be very persuasive when she wants to be.
She has this habit of biting me on the shoulder when she wants to get her own way.
She's done it ever since she was little.
It gets me every time.
She can be very flirtatious, you know? - Daddy, please? - Hmm? Full adult supervision and no alcohol that we know of.
- No alcohol.
- No alcohol.
No.
- Boys? - Um, no boys.
Maybe a couple.
( whines ) Come on.
Jhyll, are you agreeable to this? I've heard things can get out of hand.
I don't know.
Mandy: Let them do it.
It'll be fun.
You're only a teenager once.
- Girls: Yay, Mandy.
- Ja'mie: Yes! Go Mandy.
I suppose.
All right.
- On condition.
- Yeah, what? That you focus on your studies afterwards.
Yeah, whatever.
Oh my God.
So we can do it? - Yes, okay.
- Yes! ( squealing ) Oh my God.
And no adults are allowed, and you guys have to stay upstairs the whole time.
( girls chattering ) Oh my God! Oh my fucking God.
I can't believe we're having a party here.
- It's gonna be so fucking good.
- Check your phone.
- Check your phone.
Check your phone.
- Oh my God.
"Mitchell Ward has accepted your friend request"! ( all screaming ) Oh my God! ( overlapping chatter ) - Oh my God! - Oh my God! Ja'mie: Seriously, I'm gonna get my crunk on Madison: It's gonna be cray cray! Ja'mie: Next time on "Ja'mie: Private School Girl" Last night, he sends me a dick pic.
Oh my God! Ja'mie: They're choosing the best dance soloist to perform in front of the whole school.
Are you fucking serious? Are you trying to sound bad? - We sound fine.
- Grow some tits and shut your fat face.
So I told Josh and all of his friends to meet us after choir practice.
- Okay, quick.
Get in.
- Hi, guys.
I didn't know you were gonna come.
Some of us are straight in here.
Don't look.
( screaming ) Fucking delete it, you stupid slut! ( theme music playing )
Woman: I'll never forget my time here as a Hillford girl.
It's so wonderful to be back.
Thank you.
As school captain of Hillford, I'd like to thank Mrs.
Dorothy Watson and Mrs.
Iris McKenna for coming to talk to us today as part of our Centenary Celebrations.
Wow, Iris.
To meet the oldest surviving Hillford girl is a privilege.
I'd now like to introduce to the stage my Year 12 prefects wearing the uniforms of the last 100 years of Hillford.
From Morgan in the uniform of yesteryear all the way through to me, wearing the familiar uniform of today.
We would now like to thank the ladies by showing them our dance presentation that we prepared especially for them.
( dance music begins ) Hi.
My name's Ja'mie.
I used to be Jamie, but I added the apostrophe in Year 8.
I'm 17 years old.
I live in Sydney, Australia, and I'm a private school girl.
This series is about my last few months of school and the events that changed my life forever.
Madison: We're the most expensive girls' school in the state.
- The most expensive? - Yeah.
We are.
It is.
We are, definitely.
It's really expensive.
And we top the state academically as well.
Yeah, that's 'cause of the Asian factor.
- Yeah.
They're all on scholarships.
- There's so many Asians.
Hillford's pretty much known for having the hottest girls in all of Sydney.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- It's like a known thing.
Like if you go to Hillford, people are like, "Oh my God, you must be so hot.
" I'm not even bragging, but me and my friends are all pretty much quiche.
Like if you couldn't tell from looking at us.
And if you don't know, "quiche" is a word that I made up.
It basically means hot, but like it's a step above hot.
It's like more than just hot.
I'd say basically quiche is hot to the point where you want to have sex with them.
- Oh yeah.
- Like rootable.
Like there's hot and then there's quiche.
One of the main measures of quicheness is your box gap.
Box gap, yeah.
Basically what it is is like if maybe you could pop up, Immy.
Yeah, you've got the best box gap.
Is like, you don't want the thighs to touch at all.
So you want sort of like at least a three finger.
- And I'll just demonstrate by - The more the better, basically.
If you've got your thighs rubbing together from fat, then you need to think about what you're eating Yeah.
or maybe just accept the fact that you're never gonna be quiche.
We should do like a mega sleepover at my house.
- Madison: Ja'mie's like our leader.
- Olivia: And we're all prefects.
Madison: That's kind of what brought us together this year.
Like we're all BFFs.
I had a different friend group last year but I had to get rid of them because Brianna, my bestie, was like She kind of got really weird and fat.
She's kind of indie now.
- Yeah - Like, she's got But like I'm still really nice if I see them around the playgrounds.
- Hi Ja'mie.
- Hi.
( giggling ) Oh my God.
Awkies.
I think sometimes it's better just to kind of let your friends go.
- Madison: You need to move on.
- Ja'mie: Just move on.
I'm the school captain, so I'm like the boss of the whole school.
And this is my team, my prefects.
- We're family.
- Say "hi.
" ( all laugh ) Okay guys, let's set up here.
So every morning we do gate duty.
So we have the ability to give out Friday detentions.
Phone off and in your locker.
You're on school grounds.
Write her name down.
What's her name? Three warnings and you get a Friday.
No wristbands in school.
No coffee on school grounds.
Wow.
Ja'mie: I feel like a lot of the younger girls really look up to us, though.
Get your mum to sort that out, Celeste.
I've spoken to you before about this.
- Get that pink shit off your bag.
- Take it off.
- This is the prefect room.
- Girls: Yeah.
So this is like the room where us as prefects chill out.
It's a prefect-only zone.
Excuse me, can you get away from the prefect room entrance? Move, away from the entrance.
I mean, being in Year 12, it's such a stressful year.
We've got a mat and stuff, and we do yoga some mornings.
- And just like chill.
- Olivia: It's really good.
I can't believe I've got a whole day ahead of me.
Did the cleaners vacuum this or not? Madison: Like, there's something about being a prefect that feels really good.
Yeah.
Like I always knew that I wanted to be one.
Ja'mie: Same.
Totes.
I definitely knew I was gonna be one from like Year 7.
And we all have the prefect promise that Ja'mie made up.
Yeah, the prefect promise.
Basically, the prefect promise is like a promise that we'll all like stick together as prefects no matter what happens.
Like a family.
Like any bad stuff that goes down, then Yeah.
We'll be there for each other.
For example, like, if one of us got depression and wanted to like kill themselves, then we as part of the prefect promise, we'd probably all kill ourselves.
- Yeah.
- I didn't know it was that extreme.
- No, it is.
- Yeah, it is.
Have a good first period, everyone.
I'm gonna miss you guys.
- I love you, Ja'mie, so much.
- Have the best time in English.
I'm the leader Well, I'm sort of like the mother hen of the group you could say.
Like I have to look after my little chickens.
Send me anything.
Send me selfies.
Just whatevs.
Any gossip.
Snapchat me.
All of you, I fucking love you.
- I love you, Ja'mie! - I fucking love you.
- I miss you guys already.
- Bye.
I love all of you.
What I'm seeing now I fucking love.
See you at recess.
- I love you.
- The usual spot.
- Bye.
- Oh my God.
ILY! ( overlapping chatter ) Love you.
Maddie, I'm really sad already.
- Aww.
I don't want to go.
- I can't go.
( girls whimpering ) - I fucking love you.
Oh my God.
- You're my best friend.
Yeah, I'm being an idiot.
- I'm an idiot.
I'm an idiot.
- Okay.
It's all right.
Oh God.
Totes.
Bye.
Text me any goss.
- Bye.
- We love you.
- I really love you.
Seriously.
- Bye! Madison: Ja'mie's like an all-rounder.
Basically she's good at everything.
Yeah.
I don't think there's any other way to put it.
Guilty.
( all laughing ) Yeah, I got the most Facebook friends in the whole school.
Yay.
- Yeah, look at her blazer.
- I know, right? Ja'mie: But yeah, I know I'm good at a lot of stuff.
I'm good at sport.
When I say "faster," I don't mean knock me out of the fucking boat.
I'm creatively amazing.
It feels really balanced now.
The performing arts.
I'm really good at the performing arts.
I love it here.
I really really love it here.
I'm basically what I like to say 'cause my name's Ja'mie I like to say I'm Ja'mazing.
Olivia: And Ja'mie's so caring and giving.
Seriously.
Ja'mie: Yeah.
I'm really caring.
Like I'm really good at raising money for the less fortunate.
You know, like we go around the playground quite a lot and I sort of have an ability to be able to like get money out of people.
Fuck off! This is for charity.
If I see someone in need, then I want to give back to them, - if you know what I mean? - Girl: That's such a good quality.
It's a charity thing.
I'm going out to the Western Suburbs, this really povo area where these African immigrants live, and it's really cute.
Hi, everyone.
Hi.
Basically I read to them and I just chill with them and hang out, play basketball.
Whatever's going.
Try and stop me.
Come on, come on.
Oh, soz.
Soz.
And there's some really quiche boys there too.
Cheese.
Like they're really povo, but they sort of look really fit - Girls: Yeah! - and kind of have hard abs.
- Because they're not eating.
- Oh my God.
So cute.
So cute! This is the Hillford Medalists honor board.
And basically what it is it's all the girls that have won the Hillford medal for the last 100 years.
And that's it's this really prestigious award that they give out to like the most amazing girl from Year 12 of that year and stuff.
You've got to be good at everything.
And this is the girl that won it last year.
She's not even that hot.
Yeah, but you're definitely gonna win the Hillford Medal this year.
- Like it's just - I probably will.
Like seriously, who else are they gonna give it to? - They wouldn't give it to anyone else.
- No.
That's the thing.
Imagine me in this frame, guys.
- It looks so right.
- Oh my God.
Ja'mie.
I totes nearly smashed it.
I am so random.
I can't believe I just did that.
Sorry.
So this is the new Centenary Center.
It's like amazing art classrooms and stuff.
It's really cool.
And see this thing they're getting this sculpture thing out the front.
And they're getting this really famous sculpture guy to do it.
And it sort of represents the ultimate Hillford girl.
Yeah.
It's gonna be really cool.
And Ms.
Welham announced the other day that the Hillford Medal winner is gonna be the girl that's in the sculpture.
- Oh my God.
You're gonna look so good in bronze.
- I know.
- I know! - Oh my God.
I've got to work out what pose I'm gonna do.
'Cause like it kind of lasts forever and it's gonna like I'm thinking maybe Like I don't want to do that like walking thing.
- No, yeah.
I want to sort of - ( overlapping chatter ) Do your leg out.
What about my hands kind of back a bit like that? - Maybe one on the hip? - Yeah, maybe one on the hip? - Yeah.
- That in bronze will be fucking amazing.
- Yeah.
- Seriously.
( song ends ) Thank you, Hillford! ( applause ) Ja'mie: Oh my God.
Seriously, like I so am praying that someone videoed it.
( girls chattering ) I think I saw Hannah she had her phone up.
Oh my God, what about when you did the slut drop? Seriously, I turned around and you were grinding the floor.
Girls, girls.
I saw the dance.
I reckon the gesture's great, but we've got to be careful that in delivery there's nothing inappropriate.
There wasn't.
The first place we start is with uniforms.
I want them done up now.
There is to be no undergarments seen at any time.
- Buttons done up.
- Girls: Can't even see anything.
Okay, and the other thing Excuse me.
The other thing is we need to get rid of some of those more risqué dance movements.
Yeah, but Sir, they were totally into it.
- Those women loved it.
- They loved it.
Those dance moves are okay for things like schoolies.
Do you know how much work we put into that dance, Sir? - I don't think you do.
- I can see that.
That's not the issue.
The issue is the way in which you represent the school.
Ja'mie: They loved it.
You are young women representing Hillford Girls Grammar.
Yeah.
And I'm not here to negotiate what goes on.
There is a line and we mustn't cross it in the future.
- All right.
- We clear on that? - Girls: Yes.
- Sorry, Sir.
All right, girls.
Off to class.
Quick.
Let's go.
We won't do it again, Sir.
- Make sure you don't.
- We won't.
Bye, Sir.
- Bye, Sir.
- Oh my fucking God.
What was that? Seriously, why are you even looking at my bra? Obviously his wife's not giving him what he wants.
It's like, "Seriously, why are you looking at my tits?" It's so awkies.
It's like, "You're 60.
" ( pop music playing ) Immy, I saw your new DP.
It's so quiche.
Did you take that in Chem? Madison, did you realize your Facebook status is "I love pussy"? Guys! Cray clouds.
I'm gramming.
- We should do a groupie.
- Yay! - Morgan, take it.
- Oh, okay.
Three, two, one.
Ja'mie: Well, at school I'm pretty much friends with everyone.
Like everyone thinks I'm really nice.
I'm getting in a photo of the Asians.
( laughter ) And I think, as school captain, that's a really good thing for me to be the ambassador of like niceness.
Hello.
Hello.
( laughing ) Oh my God.
I'm gonna gram it and I'm gonna hashtag fried rice.
- They're right there.
- I'm so random, but yolo.
Ja'mie, stop it! Ja'mie: Like I've got my BFFs, but like I'm nice to pretty much everyone in school.
Except the Boarders.
Hi, Lauren.
Hi, Boarders.
How you going? How's the boarding house? Looks fun.
You guys got changed really quickly.
I like how you just get into the school jerseys straight after school.
The Boarders are these girls, right, they live at the school, and they're from like farms and stuff.
Like they're rich, but they're like really kind of rural.
And all of them are pretty much lesbians.
So guys, what are you having for dinner tonight? - Lesbianese food or? - ( laughing ) Ja'mie, you're so funny.
So is it true that you guys are all vagitarians? Oh my God.
That is so mean.
- Oh my God, how fat is Erin? - Disgusting.
Seriously, she's put on so much weight.
Madison: Put down the fucking fork.
It's fucking ridiculous.
It's like someone's like pumped her up or something.
She looks like Hey, Erin, have you lost weight lately? You look really good.
Do you need a tampon, Ja'mie? 'Cause you're being a fucking bitch.
- Why? Do you want to stick it in me? - Heavy.
Ja'mie: I don't even know why I don't like them.
It's just like They're just really annoying, you know what I mean? They're sort of like fat and weird and They have stupid haircuts.
You know, it's like you're a girl, act like one.
Hey, Boarders, like you know on farms, do you have to have a license to drive a tractor? Like I seriously want to know.
Do you have tiny tits for any particular reason, Ja'mie? First of all, why the fuck are you looking at my tits anyway? More proof that you're a lesbian.
And secondly, shut the fuck up or I'll give you a Friday detention.
Don't ever bag Ja'mie's tits.
Yeah, the reason they're small is 'cause I had an eating disorder.
So it's not exactly a laughing matter, okay? Ja'mie.
So go fucking fist yourself.
All right, horse face.
I will.
Fucking bitch.
Give me that thing.
- Take it.
Take it.
- Fucking slut! ( all gasp ) ( laughing ) - Fucking bitch.
( gasps ) - Ja'mie, Ja'mie, Miss Elliott.
You've got a Friday by the way.
I'm writing it up.
- Jamie, what's going on here? - Miss Elliott.
Hi, Miss.
The Year 7s are throwing food and stuff.
Sorry.
Don't worry, I'll sort it out.
I'll get them to clean it up.
All right.
See you, Miss.
- Oh my God.
- Year 7s, get up.
Go and fucking clean up the milk.
And don't throw food around.
Pick it up.
Hurry up.
- Oh my God, that was so sick.
- See you, Lauren.
Enjoy checking out my ass as I walk away.
( rock music playing ) Oh my God.
( girls chatter ) Ja'mie: Well, after school, like if we don't have sport of whatever then we usually go to the bus stop.
That's like the place to go.
It's just down the road at the front of Kelton Boys Grammar.
And me and the girls, we know heaps of Kelton guys, so like it's just really good to chill.
News, goss, go.
Oh my God.
How was the dance? Was it cracking? - Oh my God.
Oh my God.
- It was so legit.
Ja'mie looked so quiche.
Seriously, I went like full slutty.
Like I had my buttons undone, and then Hayes afterwards busted me for showing too much cleavage.
But like seriously, he wants me so badly.
Yeah, you can tell.
I reckon he like full jizzed while I was dancing.
- Eww, Ja'mie, that's gross.
- Is he hot? Like silver fox? No, he's chat as.
Oh my God, that's disgusting to even think about.
I think it's important as a girl of my age and also my status within the school as school captain to socialize, especially with the other elite private schools.
So Kelton, like the guys there, like They're the future leaders of the country, if you know what I mean.
So like as me, it's good for me to sort of get in with them now so in the future I'll have connections for later in life.
Oh my God.
I do have goss from today.
( girls gasp ) There is a major hottie in Year 10 that's just started a rugby scholarship guy, and he is so fucking quiche.
I'm getting a semi just thinking about him.
- Eww.
Shut up.
Year 10.
- That is so adorable.
I love Year 10s.
- So is he legit quiche? - He's definitely quiche.
And he is fully your type, babes.
He's got bushy eyebrows.
He's a bit meat heady, like a hot face though, and like massive feet.
- And, you know, he seems pretty dumb.
- He sounds fucking incredible.
- You've got to arrange a meeting.
- Oh my God, Ja'mie.
He's in Year 10.
Um, care factor.
I fucking love Year 10s.
They're hot ass.
So who's he friends with? Like Josh and them? Yeah.
He's been chilling with Josh like all day.
I'm going to ask the Year 10s.
Um, excuse me.
Are you guys in Year 10? Do you know the new rugby scholarship guy? What's his name? - Mitchell.
- ( gasps ) Hot name.
Like bushy eyebrows, like kind of meat heady, a bit stupid.
But is he friends with Josh McLaughlin? Yeah? Well, he's totally coming.
Ja'mie, look quick.
There he is with Josh.
( gasps ) Oh my fucking God.
The guy on the right.
- Yeah, that's the guy.
- Seriously? Fuck my life.
He's so fucking quiche.
Oh my God, guys.
- Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
- He's really hot.
- I'm gonna talk to him.
- Yeah, go for it.
He's so hot, Ja'mie.
All right, your school captain is gonna do some socializing.
Yolo.
Stop it, Ja'mie.
Hi.
Mitchell? Hi, I'm Ja'mie.
I'm school captain of Hillford Girls Grammar.
Just wanted to welcome you to the area and stuff.
- And so rugby scholarship.
- Yeah.
- That's pretty cool.
- Yeah, it's cool.
Yeah, I can tell you look really sporty and stuff.
So yeah.
Really good to meet you.
Just wanted to generally sort of say hi, welcome, and all that.
So if you want to know anything about Hillford, then just chat with me.
Ja'mie, your mom's here.
Fuck my life! I told you fucking 3:10, not 3:0-fucking-7.
That fucking bitch.
Sorry, Mitchell.
I got to go.
But really good meeting you.
( girls chatter ) Hopefully see you around here and stuff.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
Love you so much.
Mwah.
I love you so much.
- Love you so much.
Mwah.
- I love you.
So fucking much.
- I'm gonna miss you.
Bye.
- I love you.
- I love you so much.
- Love you too.
- Bye, babes.
- Bye.
ILY, everyone.
ILY.
Bye.
Jhyll: Hi, Jamie.
Madison and Olivia are staying over, so thanks.
Oh.
Um, what do I do? You press the button, and you gotta have the key in first.
( chattering ) Shut up.
I know what I'm doing.
Jamie, you have to drive the car.
You have to focus now.
This is absolutely ridiculous.
Well, why do they put it on the same fucking side as the fucking indicator? Jamie, listen.
Okay, I'm going.
Drive.
Here we go.
Jamie, have you checked your blind spot? - Why isn't it going? - Because the handbrake is still on.
Well, take the fucking handbrake off before I get in.
- Jamie, you're the driver.
- It's annoying.
- Jamie, we've had this discussion before.
- We're going.
We're driving.
If you're not confident in driving, then you're not allowed to drive.
- Soz, I thought that was the accelerator.
- Oh for heaven's sake.
( clicking ) Why is the indicator still on? Oh my God, I can't believe it.
Seriously, how hot is Mitchell? Oh my God.
He's so quiche.
When I first saw him I was like, "Oh my God.
" ( all chattering ) He's got those eyebrows.
He's got the best body.
- He's really mature for his age.
- Oh my God.
Seriously, I cannot stop thinking about him.
Oh my God.
Please, watch out for the side of the road again.
Courtney, move, so Madison can get her fucking seatbelt on.
He looks really like mysterious and stuff.
Fucking little bitch.
Grow some tits.
You can't talk to your sister like that.
- Courtney, shh! - Yes, I fucking can.
Courtney.
I've got bigger tits than you, and when I was in Year 7, my tits were fucking way bigger than yours.
No, they were only mosquito bites.
I have like mangos.
Courtney! You are going to have the smallest tits an adult has ever had in the whole fucking world - because you're a fucking little bitch.
- Jamie.
Jamie.
Shut up.
- I'm going to tell your father about this.
- Seriously, I'm sick of her.
I am trying to drive while that little bitch is preventing my friends from wearing their safety devices.
Do you think I want you as a sister? You're so fucking irritating.
- Shut the fuck up.
- Courtney! - The world doesn't revolve around you.
- Okay, I've had enough.
Do you want me to slap you when I get home? - 'Cause I fucking will.
- You can't, - 'cause I'm faster than you.
- Shut the fuck up while I'm driving.
Jamie, you drive.
Courtney, would you please behave yourself? Whatevs.
I'm the boss of the car.
I'm driving.
Shut the fuck up.
- With two hands.
- I want to talk about Mitchell.
I should totally add him on Facebook.
Oh my God.
I'm gonna add him.
'Cause he'll be on Josh's.
There's a roundabout.
Jamie, there's a roundabout.
- I know.
I can do both.
- Use two Jamie.
- Jamie.
Jamie, honestly.
- He's on Josh's.
- Oh my God.
There he is, there he is.
- Oh my God.
- You're not gonna do it now.
- Oh my God, she did.
- I friend requested him.
- What? Oh my God! - Oh my God.
- Oh my fucking God.
- Jamie, please.
- I know how to text and drive.
- I'm not a fucking idiot.
- Jamie, it's illegal.
- Oh fuck, sorry.
- Sorry.
Um, well, if you didn't talk to me while I was trying to drive, there wouldn't be an issue.
You're gonna cause an accident.
- Jamie, you need to focus.
- Focus on yourself.
- Daddy's home! Hi, Daddy.
- Hello, darling.
How was school? Why are you guys home early? - Hi, Mandy.
- Mandy: Hi, Jamie.
Why are you guys home? Dad: We're flying interstate late tonight, doll.
Mandy's just helping me organize some paperwork.
Guys, this is Mandy, my dad's assistant.
- She's really quiche.
- Hi, Mandy.
Daddy, can we have pizza tonight? Marcus: Yeah, we can.
Is that a new iPad, Jamie? I hope that's not yours.
Yes.
I told you I needed one for school.
Really, and how did you pay for that? - Your AmEx.
- Ja'mie, we said we'd discuss it.
You don't need the new one.
The AmEx card is for emergencies only.
"Pwease," Daddy.
It's educational.
Jamie, you need to check with your father first before spending money.
Marcus: Yeah.
Shut up.
Who asked you? New cover.
Marcus: You know, Courtney doesn't even have a laptop yet, and you're out there buying iPads for yourself, Jamie.
Well, Courtney doesn't have a laptop 'cause she's banned from using computers 'cause she hacked into my Facebook, so it's her own frigging fault.
Have you told your father about schoolies week? Yeah, we booked Bali.
Again? This was to be discussed first, Jamie.
- Which accommodation? - The good resort.
Are all your parents agreeable to this, girls? Both: Yeah.
Jamie, the bottom line is you don't buy things without our permission, full stop.
Can you tell your loser wife to stop bitching in my face? Don't speak to your ma like that.
That is disrespectful.
- Where the fuck is my Coke Zero? - Marcus: Jeez.
Did you drink it? Fuck my life.
Don't touch my Coke Zero.
- Daddy.
- What? Can you make Jamie an iced coffee? Marcus: Jamie is a high achiever.
She's a very beautiful girl.
She's everything that a father would want in a daughter, but, you know, that being said, we have to rein her in every now and again.
I want one of your iced coffees.
- That should do me.
- No.
Go away.
"Pwease," Daddy? I'm "firsty.
" - I'm not your slave.
- Jamie "firsty.
" - Come on, Daddy.
- I'm not your slave.
Go away.
- I love you.
- I've had a long day.
- I'll let you be my friend on Facebook.
- Go away.
I'm blocking you from Facebook.
Marcus: We want the very best education for her, which I believe she's getting at Hillford.
Her Year 12 results are vitally important.
And I expect a lot from both my daughters.
We expect big things.
But Jamie man, she's special, though.
She's not only a very clever girl but she has proven herself to be a very kind and compassionate girl as well.
"A nest of ferns was her only place to rest.
It had been a thrilling day, but a day she would rather forget.
" The end.
That's it.
What do you say? - What do you say? - Thank you, Ja'mie.
All right.
Good night.
Going.
Bye bye bye bye.
- Oh my God, he is so adorbs.
- I know.
How fucking cute is he? - So how often do you read to him? - Like every night pretty much.
I'm doing "The Hunger Games" at the moment.
He fucking loves it.
He's pretty quiche for like an African guy.
Do you know what I love? I love it when he smiles.
'Cause it's like he's all black and then just bang this white thing.
Just this gleaming white thing coming out of his mouth.
- He's got the whitest teeth.
- He's so cute.
I'm trying to get him to take his top off on Skype, but he won't.
Ja'mie, can I sleep in the bed tonight? I'm really sick of the mattress.
Yeah, but I'm gonna do the lesbian prevention guard.
You're so funny, Ja'mie.
I'm not even fucking joking.
I'm fucking serious.
I'm not gonna wake up with your fingers in my vagina "accidentally.
" Shut up.
Oh, Ja'mie.
Check your phone and see if Mitchell's accepted your friend request.
- Yeah - I hope he has.
He hasn't.
( both groan ) I really want him to.
I'm starting to ship me and Mitchell so badly.
What can I do to make him love me? There's a Year 10 party coming up.
Would that be trag if we went? Whose place is it at? It's at Jordan Kingsley's, but all the Year 10 rugby guys are going.
- So Mitchell will be there.
- That could be good.
Like, I'd go like, I like the Year 10s are hot, - but it's kind of a bit creeps.
- It'd be kind of cute.
Fucking hell.
I've just thought of an idea.
What? Let's have a massive party here at my house.
- Oh my God, are you serious?! - Oh my God! Seriously! - I haven't had a party for like months.
- Oh my God.
That is the best idea.
Invite Mitchell.
Invite all the Year 10s.
Yes.
'Cause how much does Ja'mie have the best party house? - Oh my God.
That is genius, Ja'mie.
- I know.
Seriously, Around the pool.
And we could have a bubble machine.
- And get fairy lights.
- Yes! And a smoke machine.
- And a DJ.
- And we can have a DJ.
We can light up all the trees with fairy lights and shit.
- Yes.
Oh my God.
- Costume one or what? - I don't know.
- Too much pressure.
- Yeah, dress really nice.
- I know, 'cause you do slutty anyway.
- Yeah, you wanna look classy.
- Yeah yeah yeah.
I have to ask my dad.
Oh my God, this is the best idea ever.
Yes! Let's go ask him now.
Oh my God.
( squeals ) ( elevator dings ) Daddy.
Um, can I have a party? Like just us girls this Friday? - Just all of us.
- No.
No parties.
- Please? I really want one.
- No, it's Year 12.
I'm not having a bunch of teenagers, especially ones I don't know, in this house.
Daddy, please? Marcus: Jamie can be very persuasive when she wants to be.
She has this habit of biting me on the shoulder when she wants to get her own way.
She's done it ever since she was little.
It gets me every time.
She can be very flirtatious, you know? - Daddy, please? - Hmm? Full adult supervision and no alcohol that we know of.
- No alcohol.
- No alcohol.
No.
- Boys? - Um, no boys.
Maybe a couple.
( whines ) Come on.
Jhyll, are you agreeable to this? I've heard things can get out of hand.
I don't know.
Mandy: Let them do it.
It'll be fun.
You're only a teenager once.
- Girls: Yay, Mandy.
- Ja'mie: Yes! Go Mandy.
I suppose.
All right.
- On condition.
- Yeah, what? That you focus on your studies afterwards.
Yeah, whatever.
Oh my God.
So we can do it? - Yes, okay.
- Yes! ( squealing ) Oh my God.
And no adults are allowed, and you guys have to stay upstairs the whole time.
( girls chattering ) Oh my God! Oh my fucking God.
I can't believe we're having a party here.
- It's gonna be so fucking good.
- Check your phone.
- Check your phone.
Check your phone.
- Oh my God.
"Mitchell Ward has accepted your friend request"! ( all screaming ) Oh my God! ( overlapping chatter ) - Oh my God! - Oh my God! Ja'mie: Seriously, I'm gonna get my crunk on Madison: It's gonna be cray cray! Ja'mie: Next time on "Ja'mie: Private School Girl" Last night, he sends me a dick pic.
Oh my God! Ja'mie: They're choosing the best dance soloist to perform in front of the whole school.
Are you fucking serious? Are you trying to sound bad? - We sound fine.
- Grow some tits and shut your fat face.
So I told Josh and all of his friends to meet us after choir practice.
- Okay, quick.
Get in.
- Hi, guys.
I didn't know you were gonna come.
Some of us are straight in here.
Don't look.
( screaming ) Fucking delete it, you stupid slut! ( theme music playing )