Just Good Friends (1983) s01e01 Episode Script

1 What would you say If I told you things had never changed and We'll find a way To take our dreams and rearrange them? Who would believe That we could be in love again? So let's just pretend That you and me can be Just good friends Then there's the rock climbing, the underwater assault training and the free-fall parachuting.
As you can see, Penny, I've quite a full fixtures list.
Sounds fun.
Where do you do all these things? Evening school mainly.
I go away some weekends - survival courses.
You survive the entire weekend? Oh, yes.
I'm experienced.
Did I tell you I'm a part-time member of the Territorial SAS? No, you didn't, Rupert.
- Good girl.
Forget I said it then.
- I have.
Good girl.
I can't afford to have my cover blown.
Feel this.
- Why? - It's cast-iron.
I didn't think they d let someone with an artificial limb join the SAS.
What? No, it's a real arm.
I mean my muscles are like cast-iron.
I'm very fit, you see.
All over.
I can march 45 miles without breaking sweat.
Rupert, if you fancy a quick yomp, don't let me stop you.
I'm not the kind of guy who II walk out on you on our first date.
What do you mean, 'date '? This isn't a date.
You asked me to have a drink with you as a favour.
Your cat had been run over and you needed someone to talk to.
- I use that line on all the chicks.
- He's unreal.
Besides, you re sure to want to see me again.
Why? Why? Well, because I'm fun.
I'm sure there are a lot of people who d find you very entertaining.
Like a Women's Royal Army corporal or a little boy who's lost his Action Man.
But I'm not into bridgeheads and seek-and-destroy missions.
Well, let's have one for the road and if we've got time, I'll show you my collection of air guns.
Great.
Right, what can I get you, um? Sonia.
Sonia.
Of course.
What would you like, Sonia? - Can I have a brandy and Coke? - One brandy and Coke.
Vince, can I have a large one? A brandy, a large Coke, and I'll have a pint of best.
So have you enjoyed your first day at the firm, Sonia? Yeah, it weren't bad.
Does Mr Bennett touch everyone up? I don't think so.
He never laid a finger on me.
Oh, you silly sod! I wouldn't worry about it.
It's probably some kind of initiative test.
Did you say something about your parents flying off on holiday? Yeah, they've gone to Torremolinos.
Well, maybe if I take you home tonight, you can give me a tour of the ancestral maisonette.
You must be joking.
You d get one foot inside the door and try your luck.
Not me, Sonia.
On my honour, I wouldn't.
Really? All the others do.
- See, that's my trouble, Vince.
- What is? Well, I like sex.
- Do you think that's bad of me? - No, Sonia.
On the contrary, I think it's very good of you.
I mean, it shows an enlightened attitude.
Get that down you, we II go back to your place and discuss it in more detail.
I wanted a large one.
I've never had any complaints, Sonia.
- There you go, Penny.
Now, where was I? - Doing something incredibly masculine.
You d just stormed an embassy or eaten three Shredded Wheat! I don't remember either.
Still, it II come back to me.
Oh, good.
Punch me in the stomach.
Go on, punch me in the stomach.
Hard as you like.
There is a time and a place for punching people in the stomach.
Perhaps later when we re alone.
Yes, I'll kick you all round the car park if you like.
- Excuse me.
- Where are you going? - To the ladies room.
- What for? To powder my nose.
Powder your? Enough said.
Oh, God, why me? Drink up, Sonia.
We II get going.
Here, I can't drink as fast as you.
Want a fag? No, thanks.
I gave them up.
So did I.
You, er You ever tried one of these? What is it? A nasal spray? No, don't stick it up your nose.
It's an imitation cigarette.
Every time you fancy a smoke, you puff on this plastic one.
- Does it work? - It's marvellous.
I haven't had a smoke since last night.
I doubt if they d do me much good.
I just can't say no.
Well, drink up then, Sonia.
Do you like my tattoo? Oh, that's That's nice, Sonia.
What's it supposed to be? A starling? No, it's a love bird.
I wanted an eagle, but Mick said it weren't lady-like.
Well, I suppose an eagle is a bit Mick? My boyfriend.
He's an amazing bloke.
Do you know, he can't read or write a word, yet he formed his own chapter of the Hells Angels in borstal.
Oh, that is amazing.
This here, um, storm trooper - Mick? - Yeah, Mick.
Are you and him going steady? I like to think of it as an open relationship.
I go out with who I like.
He's got a very enlightened attitude.
- He don't like it.
- I didn't think he would.
He gets ever so jealous.
Follows me sometimes.
Does he? - Violent type, is he? - No.
The psychiatrist said he only stabs people to hide his basic shyness.
As long as he doesn't mean it, that's the main thing.
I'm popping over to the cigarette machine.
He only stabs people to hide his basic shyness? Why don't you do something safe, Pinner, like have an affair with the wife of a Mafia boss?! Oh, I just don't believe it! - I think it's broken.
- I hope not.
I'm a vandal.
- Hello, Penny.
- Vince.
Well, what a surprise! Yes.
Yes, it is, isn't it? Yes.
Yes.
Just been to the toilet? - Yes.
- Sorry.
I wasn't trying to I didn't know if you were Or if you No.
No, I already.
Fine.
Well, you re you re looking very nice.
Oh, thank you.
You re looking well.
Yes, well, I play games.
Pool, brag, that sort of thing.
I'm only about six pounds heavier than when we last met.
Really? My mother always said you d run to fat.
Did she? Bless her! - How is your mother? - Oh, fine.
Oh, good, good.
Well, it's it's been a long time.
Must be almost five years.
Five years and three months, I guess.
Is it that long? I'm surprised you remember me.
I could never forget you, Vincent.
You've always been unique.
Well You re the only bastard who ever jilted me! Come on, Pen, I didn't jilt you.
- Did you turn up at the church? - That's a loaded question.
Go and play with a power cable or something! - You could hear my side of the story.
- I've already heard it.
- Who told you? Your mother? - No.
Your best man Lennie called round on our wedding day.
- Let me explain.
- I'm far too busy.
- I only want to talk.
- You carry on.
I'm going to get some fresh air.
- Penelope! - Don't worry.
I'll get her for you.
Vince? I'm just getting her for him.
Won't be a mo.
Wait a minute, Pen! (Door rattling) Penny! - I only want to talk.
- I haven't got anything to say to you.
Maybe I've got something to say to you.
Pen, it's been five years.
What difference will another couple of minutes make? All right.
Go on then, speak.
Not here.
There's an Italian restaurant down the road.
- Do you mean have a meal? - No, we II play a game of squash(!) Yes, I mean let's have a meal.
For old times sake.
It might have escaped your notice, but I am with someone and so are you.
You can't walk off and leave people.
Well, you could, but you've had practice.
Don't keep on about it.
Can't you make some excuse? Sorry, I'm right out of excuses.
OK, Pen, I'll I'll see you around sometime, eh? I wonder why, of all the things that get broken in a person's life, it's always the most precious one that can never be repaired.
I could tell him I've got a headache.
Yes, that's very good, Penelope.
Tell him you've got a headache.
What about that girl you re with? I'll tell her she's got a headache as well.
(Tyres screech) Let's forget the excuses, eh, Pen? I think those two are going to be rather tied up for the next few minutes.
- How's the meal? - Sorry? Oh, lovely, thank you.
How do you know? You haven't eaten any of it.
You keep prodding it around as if you re preparing it for de-lousing.
- I'm not hungry.
- Oh.
It was a good idea coming to a restaurant then(!) I didn't ask to come to a restaurant.
No, that's true.
Well This is very nice.
Where are you working now? Are you still at the quarry? I work for an advertising agency in Park Lane.
Have you heard of Matthew, Styles and Liebermann? Yes, I think I've got a couple of their LPs at home.
- No, I've never heard of them.
- You wouldn't in your line.
Still driving the ice cream van? I gave that up a long time ago.
I'm an accountant now.
An accountant? People actually trust you with their money? Yes.
I steal some of it sometimes.
- Only as a first resort though? - Absolutely.
So what sort of accountant are you? Chartered? Turf.
I'm an assistant branch manager.
Sounds very exciting.
Oh, it is.
I almost wet myself at times.
Well, now we've got the pleasantries over and done with, shall we talk about us, about what happened? No, I don't want to talk about it, Vince.
All right, Pen, I understand.
- Nice weather we've been having.
- Nice weather? You walked out on me on our wedding day and you talk about the bloody weather?! You said you didn't want to talk about it.
I don't, but I don't mind listening to you.
- Just tell me why.
- No point.
You d never believe me.
Try me.
All right then.
Here goes.
A long time ago, before we met, I did something wrong.
Not very wrong.
But still wrong.
On the eve of our wedding, the past caught up with me.
I was arrested and locked away in a living hell called prison.
I couldn't tell you.
What would your mother have said? I couldn't expect you to share that nightmare.
For three years, I rotted in that cell.
Three years of just thinking about you and tending to the sparrows that used to hop through the bars of my cell window.
- All right.
What really happened? - My bottle went.
- Your bottle went? - It means I know what it means.
I just don't understand why! We had everything.
A new flat, a honeymoon in Greece.
And the presents - tumble drier, dishwasher, food processor.
Cuddly toy.
I was young, Pen.
I couldn't handle the pressure.
From the moment the wedding was mentioned, your mother took total control.
It was our lives, our future, but we were bit part players in her grand opera.
Inconspicuous by our presence.
She moved in on us like a junta.
"Should we have a big wedding or a simple cathedral job? "How many thousand bridesmaids? "Where can we get 50 bejewelled elephants?" She was carving out my future.
It was taking on the shape of an executioner's block! No, Vince, you were the last man on God's Earth she wanted me to marry.
She didn't want you marrying the son of a scrap-metal dealer.
Exactly.
No, she wanted you to marry someone named Julian and have lots of kids with big ears and no chins.
But she resigned herself to the fact that she was lumbered with me.
So she thought, "Well, he's young, he's white.
"He doesn't wash his feet in the bidet.
"I'll mould him, get him a job at Daddy's firm, membership of the golf club, "teach him to sound his H's and respect Volvos.
" Before you knew it, I d have been the world's first bionic Tory! Don't be stupid! If you want to see your wife in 30 years, look at her mother.
It was horrifying! Let's not get personal, Vince.
I don't know how your father could relax in bed with her, let alone sleep.
That's enough, Vincent.
Must be like kipping next to a Gurkha.
Is there any point in continuing this conversation? I just want you to understand how I felt.
Do you mind not smoking while I'm eating? I am not smoking and you are not eating.
- This is plastic.
- Matches your heart.
It is a scientifically designed placebo for those of us desiring a longer life.
Stop pushing that food round your plate.
It reminds me of a documentary I saw.
Just an accident.
Bon appétit! Look, Pen, I'm sorry.
I'm a little overwrought at the moment.
I'm trying to give up smoking and it makes me edgy.
I'm sorry as well.
How long have you been trying to give it up? Since I started.
I've tried everything.
- Chewing gum, pills.
Even acupuncture.
- Acupuncture? Yeah.
They left me for an hour with a needle sticking out of my ear lobe.
I had a fag to pass the time.
- I can't stand needles and injections.
- There was no discomfort.
- Didn't you feel a prick? - I felt a bit foolish.
Oh, I I see what you mean.
No, there was no pain, no pain.
I've got a high tolerance level to pain.
So have I now! Pen, I know I hurt you badly, but I was being pushed and pulled in all directions.
I was being squeezed dry.
I wasn't a man any more.
I felt more like a lemon.
YOU felt like a lemon? How do you think I felt, standing in my bridal gown, telling the vicar there was a slight change of plan? You've lost me.
Why did you put your dress on? Why did you go to the church? You knew the wedding was off.
I sent you a telegram.
Hundreds of people sent telegrams, you idiot.
It was a wedding! They were sent to the reception hall to be opened and read out in the evening.
You went ahead with the wedding? No, I cancelled it in the end.
I felt it just wouldn't be the same without you! I didn't know, Pen.
Honest, I didn't know.
If my father and I drove past that church once, we drove past it 100 times.
I kept praying you d had an accident.
I didn't know what had happened until Lennie arrived.
He was very sympathetic(!) He said, "Sorry, doll.
The wedding's off.
Vincey's done a moody.
" He then asked me out to dinner and put in a bid for some of the presents.
- Why didn't you tell me yourself? - I couldn't.
- Why? - Why? Because It's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding.
I tried to phone you, but the line was engaged.
Daddy was phoning the evening guests, saying not to bother.
If you couldn't face me, you could have tried to contact me later.
I did try to contact you later.
About a year later.
I came round to your house every night for a week.
I couldn't knock on the door.
I parked a few yards up the road, hoping to see you.
I d sit there for hours just watching the light in your bedroom.
I suddenly realised this would have been about the time of our first anniversary.
I remember thinking, "She's sitting up there now pining.
" I wasn't.
We d moved.
How long did it take you to get over what happened? I'm not sure if you ever do.
Strange thoughts run through your mind after something traumatic like that.
- I wondered whether I was to blame.
- You wasn't.
I know I wasn't.
I only wondered! Fine.
I began analysing myself in the mirror, wondering if there was something anti-social about me.
Did I have bad breath or blackheads or maybe my armpits smelt? - I love it when you talk dirty to me! - Will you be serious for once? Sorry, dear.
Oh, God, there's been an accident.
Yeah, nasty business.
I'll walk you to your car.
You can't begin to imagine what you did to me that day.
I can, Pen.
I just wish there was some way I could repay you.
Repay me? How can you repay someone for five years of self-doubt? Five years of nothing! Well, maybe I could buy you a handbag.
It was just a joke, Pen.
Really? I'll remember that one for my next group therapy session! I was just trying to add a bit of levity to the inquest.
What kind of a handbag? Here we are.
Have you got a car? Me? Yes, a BMW.
It's, um It's being serviced.
Oh, well, I could give you a lift home if you like.
No, it's all right, Pen.
The walk II do me good.
Look, Vince There's something I ought to tell you.
Things are kind of different with me now.
You re not a man, are you? This is important.
OK.
I'm married.
Oh Well, that's cleared the cobwebs away, hasn't it? Do you know, it didn't even cross my mind to ask? - How about you? - No.
You know me, Pen.
I'm not the marrying kind.
Where's your husband tonight then? It wasn't that poor bloke we left back at the pub? Oh, no.
No, I don't know where he is.
The marriage didn't work out.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Kids? Yeah, I suppose that's all we were, really.
No, I mean, did you have any children? Oh, no.
No children.
Well, I suppose I ought to be getting home.
Thank you for the meal.
It was lovely.
Thank you for a very pleasant evening.
My God, you've got a nerve! Five years ago, you jumped on your motorbike and rode out of my life.
Now you try to buy your way back with a few jokes and a lump of lasagne! How do you become such an arrogant pig? It's just the knack, I suppose.
I tell you one thing.
I d rather be an arrogant pig than a toffee-nosed little cow! Are you referring to me? I don't see any other toffee-nosed little cows around here.