Just Shoot Me! (1997) s01e01 Episode Script

Bill, hi.
It's Maya Gallo.
Do you really want to start tonight's news off with a story on strippers? You do.
What would I lead with? Well, call me crazy, but it is election night.
Yes, I do know that you're the news director.
Thank you for listening.
Could this job get any worse? Who wrote this garbage? "New York city police officials report a decrease in gang violence"? That would be my garbage.
As I have told you over and over again, it should be, "New York city police officials "tell me gang violence is down.
" That way, I am involved in the story.
You know, you're right.
People would love to see you involved in gang violence.
Is that a joke at my expense? It is, isn't it? Okay, you seem to be forgetting that I have been doing TV news for more than two years.
How about you? Eight years.
Whatever.
Just make the changes and send them to the TelePrompTer now.
Okay, I'm sorry, Christy, you're right.
She wants new copy.
I'll send her new copy.
Sending new copy to TelePrompTer.
Hey, you know what might be really fun? Let's watch Christy and her new copy.
I guess even the life of strippers can be a grind.
Christy? New hope in the city's war on gangs.
Police officials tell me gang violence is down since last year.
They tell me they credit the decrease to the removal of the frontal lobe of my brain And in a related story, I wet myself.
Paul.
Thank you, Christy.
Well, the state of New York [***.]
Hey.
Hey.
I'm glad you're home.
Great news.
Me too.
Okay, you first.
No, you first.
Okay, I had this job interview-- Okay, yeah.
No, okay, it's got to be me.
Okay, there I am in the teacher's lounge, eating my raisins, when in walks the beautiful Miss Shieldmeyer You know, the new gym teacher.
So I take a deep breath, and I ask her out.
And she says yes? I guess that would have made a better story.
What's your news? Well, I had a job interview today-- Newsweek.
So I go to the dry cleaners, and I realize I'm down to my last eight bucks.
I had to pick one outfit right then and there and leave the rest of the clothes behind.
It was like Sophie's Choice, only with pants.
I know.
That is sad.
So I show up to the interview now dead broke, andI got the job.
Yeah, baby.
Oh, that's so great.
I know.
Now I can go and free my sweaters.
Oh, yeah, so when do you get your first paycheck? Well, technically, I don't have the job yet, but this woman and I, we had tons in common.
I mean, even our names go together-- Maya, April, April, Maya.
Get it? April Maya.
Yeah, we even hugged when I left.
This April? "Checked your references.
No, thanks.
" But we hugged.
You don't want to work for a hugger.
They wrinkle your clothes.
God, you know, you make one anchorwoman cry on the air, and all of a sudden, you've got an attitude.
You know what? I'm just gonna put this out there.
You could always-- I'm not gonna go see my father.
Why would you? He's never been there for me.
That's my point.
I haven't even talked to him since the wedding.
What's there to say? He married our high-school homecoming queen.
What kind of a man does that? Ding.
What is a rich man? [TELEPHONE RINGS.]
Senator Goldwater's office.
Yes, he still is elected, Oh, hi.
Uh-huh.
Who? Who? Who? Who? Okay, yeah, sure.
Okay, thanks.
Okay, bye.
Who is it? That was our landlord.
We're getting evicted on Friday.
Why are you laughing? His accent kills me.
Hey, you.
You're an intern, right? Yes, sir.
I came here to learn the magazine business.
I go to school in Wisconsin.
Go, Stinkbugs.
Actually, we're the Badgers.
Oh, imagine my embarrassment.
Now give me your tie.
You--you want my tie? You got cheese in your ears? Just fork it.
I spilled coffee on mine, and we've got a fresh cup of models coming in here at noon.
Uh, you mean 11:30.
Uh, no, I mean noon.
Then why are the models already here? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Listen, I'm expecting a call from a Cindy Crawford.
Yeah, you tell Crawdaddy I'm a little swamped today, so dinner's looking iffy.
What if the governor calls? Uh, take a message.
How about Spiderman? Ooh, it looks like one strayed from the herd.
Hey, haven't seen you before.
I just moved here.
Ooh, modeling's a tough biz, so unfair.
Why does it always come down to connections? People you meet, who you know? Hi.
Dennis Finch.
Let me take a little looksie through your booksie.
Maybe I can help you out.
Ooh, nice body.
Not that Nightmare Before Christmas look that's going around.
Ooh, I like the pout here.
Very naughty.
Shows you can be a bad girl.
Whoa, nude shot.
Bad idea.
You get famous, this will come back to haunt you.
Really? Oh, yeah.
You don't want this getting into the wrong hands.
Um excuse me.
Excuse me, down here.
Nice shoes.
Coming through.
Just a minute.
Hi.
I'm-- Blush Magazine.
Hello.
I'm Maya.
Well, bye-ya.
Uh, no.
I'm here to see Jack Gallo.
And I'm here to make sure you don't.
Next time, call for an appointment.
That way, I can reject you on the phone.
Then you won't have to get allgussied up.
Hello, girls.
Welcome to Blush, America's premiere glamour magazine.
I am, of course, Nina Van Horn.
My face appeared on over 40 covers.
I was the Noxema Gotcha girl.
You know Gotcha.
Yeah, well, ask your parents.
So you want to grace the pages of Blush.
Well, I want my old ass back, but chances are that's not gonna happen, but remember, just the fact that you're here at all is something to be proud of.
You'd be amazed at how many girls can't find the building.
Okay.
This is fun, isn't it? Uh, thank you, no.
Yesstay.
No, no.
No-- Honey, I don't know who your agent is, but you need to grow six inches, lose 20 pounds, and find a hairdresser who gave up cocaine with everyone else.
Excuse me.
Do you own this magazine? No, that would be Mr.
Gallo.
And I would be Mr.
Gallo's daughter.
Gotcha.
Well, you're Jack's daughter.
You babe.
Dennis finch, Jack's executive assistant, his right-hand man.
Actually, he's more like a father to me.
Oh, then you haven't seen him in a year either.
Oh, let me pull that thorn out of your paw.
You know, dear, you can understand why I didn't recognize you.
I mean, there's virtually no resemblance.
Go away.
Ah, there it is.
All right.
I need the Versace layout, the circulation numbers, and who wrote this month's sex quiz? It's too easy.
Well, when you've been cramming for it your whole life Maya.
Surprise.
Yeah, sure is.
Come on in.
Don't you have a birthday coming up? Yeah, in about Good.
I was afraid I missed it.
So it's been a while.
Yeah, it has.
You changed your hair.
Yeah, it grew.
So why don't you just say you hate it, and we'll move on? I didn't say I hate it.
Stop looking for trouble.
Sit down.
So how have you been? Oh, great.
Busy.
You know, we have a terrific hairstylist here.
This was a bad idea.
No.
I'm sorry.
Please sit down.
Sohow's your mom? Great.
Still in Palm Springs.
God, with that desert sun, her skin must look like a belt.
Anyway, I've got to ask you something-- Hey, Jack, your lovely wife, line two.
Hold that thought.
Look, a gold slinky.
Hi, Allie.
Guess who's here.
No, besides me.
I'll give you a hint-- your old classmate.
Hiya, Maya.
Aw Well, why don't you take it easy for a while? What's wrong? Did she watch one of those sad after-school specials? Okay.
Love you too.
When are you going to accept the fact that Allie and I are very much in love? "Very much in love.
" Is there a special room where the models go to throw up? Here we go.
It's my wedding all over again.
What? Don't play innocent.
You were heckling our wedding vows.
You let the woman quote The Lion King.
That's why I don't hear from you for a year? Oh, like you've ever included me in your life? What? Oh, please.
When you moved to Paris, I found out on a postcard.
When you got engaged to Allie, I had to hear about it from my friend Marcy Kaplan.
She's a sweet girl.
I always liked her.
Yeah, well, you'll have to marry her someday.
Oh, okay.
Uh, I'm sorry.
I didn't come here to argue.
I came to ask you something-- [KNOCKS.]
Yeah.
Jack, either you fire Nina or I quit.
This is Elliott DiMauro, our head photographer.
Elliott, my daughter Maya.
Oh, my God.
Oh, your father never stops talking about you.
Myra this and Myra that.
It's Maya.
Hey, I tried.
May I just say that Elliott is a moron? Oh, we were just talking about you.
What's the problem? All right, I'm not going to bias you, but one of us wants Lorena for the cover, while one of us wants Daniella-- scrawny, sunken-cheek, for-God's-sake- eat-a-sandwich Daniella.
And do you know why he wants Lorena? Elliott, are you dating this girl? We happen to have a lot in common.
She's 20, she comes from a small village in Romania, and the only English word she knows is "Pellegrino.
" Don't mock her simple ways.
Look, Lorena has been, like, totally overexposed.
That's because she sells magazines.
Okay, here's what we're gonna-- [PAPER CRINKLING.]
Sorry.
Each of you dummy up a cover, and I'll decide.
Oh, Jack, Daniella has cheek bones for days.
Go away.
Ah, there it is again.
So, anyway, you were saying I can't do this.
I never should've come.
You haven't worked in three months, you're broke, and you can't pay your rent.
How did you know? You're not the only one who speaks to Marcy Kaplan.
Look, I'm happy to help.
I just want you to know how uncomfortable I am with this.
If there was any way I could earn this money, I would.
Well, then this is perfect.
I need an article written by noon tomorrow.
What? For our relationship column.
You know, something like "How to Make Any Man Your Love Slave.
" What? It's a relationship.
Come on, kitten.
This'll be great.
"Kitten"? Didn't I used to call you "kitten"? No.
I call someone "kitten.
" Hey, Jack-- Oh, you're still here? Hey, Jack, your disturbingly hot wife is on line two again.
Come on.
It'll give us a chance to spend some quality time together, starting right now.
Hi, honey.
Okay.
Got to go.
But you just said-- Well, I didn't want to tell you like this, but Allie and I, well, we're sort of having a baby.
A baby? When? Uhapparently now.
She's been pregnant all this time, and you never told me? Well, I tried to tell you.
Maybe you tried to tell "kitten.
" Who the hell is "kitten"? It's gonna drive me crazy all day.
Cancel my afternoon.
Done.
Call for my car.
Already here.
What's today's Marmaduke? Uh, he's driving a bus.
Ha, that dog.
It's like he's a person.
It just hit me.
You are your magazine.
You're glossy, you're slick, the cover's great, when you open it up, there's nothing inside.
I've got another one for you.
I get fat in December.
Honey, great seeing you.
The article--3,500 words.
Finch will have an envelope with a check in it when you finish.
Now I understand why Stephanie threw you out and burned all your suits.
Stephanie, that's who "kitten" is.
Thanks, cupcake.
"Cupcake"? [CROWD LAUGHING.]
Listen up, I just got the cyberskinny on our little friend Maya-- Stanford grad, dean's list, no current boyfriend, but she is on the pill.
Hmm.
You got all that on the Internet? Yeah, and rifling through her purse.
Hey, Nina, you really have to stop hiring these waify models.
Why? Because I turned on the fan, and she blew into the wall.
Look at her, writing her first big article for Papa.
So? So first, it's an article, then it's a job.
Before you know it, she's in charge, and I'm back at the boat show wearing that damn mermaid suit.
Maya, dear, I understand you're writing this month's relationship column.
Can I peek? You peaked years ago, honey.
So is this article the first of many? I doubt it.
It's called "My father is a jackass.
" Well, Maya, he's your dad.
Add the word "senile.
" Oh.
She'll be gone by the end of the day.
Great.
Just make it look like an accident.
No, no, no.
She's leaving on her own.
Got it.
We never spoke.
Look at these photos.
See if any of them will go with your article.
God, could her dress get any higher? No, her mother was there.
Don't you ever worry about the message you're sending? Oh, hell, you're one of those.
You have no idea what it does to a fat 13-year-old girl to be bombarded by false images of flawless women.
In real life, people aren't airbrushed.
No one is perfect.
Hello, Elliott.
Lorena.
Pellegrino? Refrigerator.
House of cold.
You're right.
No one's perfect.
There's a flaw in that woman somewhere, and I won't rest until I find it.
I'm sorry, but idolizing physical beauty is wrong.
Oh, really? Tell me what you thought, honestly, the first time you saw Michelangelo's David.
I thought it was an incredible sculpture.
That's right, because David is the perfect male form.
No, because Michelangelo was a genius.
All right.
Imagine it if Michelangelo had sculpted it with the same artistry to look likesay, me.
It would still be a work of art.
How about now? Fine, fine, you win.
Mm-hmm.
All I'm saying is that we're not the enemy.
We just like looking at beautiful things.
And who decides what's beautiful? Oh, I do.
That's the best part.
Here's my article.
Pay up.
Yeah, fill this out first.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
Jack Gallo's office.
Hey, boss, how did it go? All right.
They had the baby.
Yeah, well, congratulations.
Maya says congratulations, but it's in a tone that connotes disinterest.
Ooh, 8 pounds, 12 ounces.
Ouch.
She's making sport of your courageous wife's pain.
Yeah.
Blue eyes, dark hair, great lungs.
Just like Elvis.
She's comparing the baby to a bloated drug addict.
Hey.
It's a girl.
You've got a sister.
A sister? She's not my sister.
Oh, my God, she's my sister.
I have a sister.
Now she's just babbling.
Hello.
Hi.
Gorgeous, isn't she? Yeah, she's just beautiful.
How's Allie? Amazing.
She was only in labor for two hours, and no drugs.
How about you? Just a Valium during the pushing.
Well, I just had to see her.
Congratulations.
You know, I tried to tell you.
Huh? The day I found out Allie was pregnant, you were the first person I called, but when I got your machine, somehow, all I came up with was, "Hey, call me back.
" You never did.
How was I supposed to know-- I'm not blaming you.
It's my fault we're like this.
I do gloss over everything, and I'm terrified I'm gonna make the same mistakes with her that I made with you.
Then don't.
You know, there's nothing magic about it.
That's your daughter in there.
When she holds out her arms, pick her up.
When she has a dance recital, don't be in a meeting And when she tries to push you away, don't let her.
It's not what she really wants.
Make her a part of your life.
The rest will fall into place.
Well, if it's so easy, why am I having a panic attack? Dad, panic is good.
It means that you care, and don't worry, every father panics.
Hi.
I just had a little girl.
I'm a dad.
Wow, isn't this great? Yeah, me too, a girl.
All right.
Way to go, grandpa.
You know, I got a feeling that's gonna happen a lot.
God, I hope so.
You'll be fine.
Well, I guess I'll have to cut back my time at the magazine.
I'll need to find someone.
Yes, you will.
No, no, no, no.
Come on, just stay on a little while.
See if you like writing it.
I don't even like reading it.
Then turn it into something that you would want to read, you and at least 1.
2 million other people.
Come on.
It will give me a chance to spend some time with my kids.
You can kiss those crappy sex quizzes goodbye.
Great, whatever, as long as you work the word "orgasm" in somewhere, I'm happy.
So did you finish that article? Yeah, but I think I'd like to make a few changes.
Oh, you're such a perfectionist.
I bet if I read it, I'd love it.
I'll take that bet.
So have you two picked out a name? Oh, we're in negotiations.
I want Hannah after your grandmother, and Allie wants Morgan.
Morgan was our high-school quarterback.
Allie lost her virginity to him.
Hannah it is.
[***.]
* Life keeps bringing me Back to you * * Keeps bringing me home * * It don't matter What I want to do * * 'Cause it's got A mind of its own * * Life keeps bringing me Back to you * * Yeah **