Karl Pilkington: The Moaning Of Life (2013) s01e01 Episode Script
Marriage
'For centuries, life's big questions 'have challenged some of the world's greatest minds.
' 'The need for love, marriage and lifelong commitment, 'the yearning to reproduce and the survival of the human race, 'the search for a vocation, the desire to find happiness 'and the inevitable end - death.
' 'But Karl Pilkington has not given a second thought 'to any of these issues.
' This cat's cross-eyed.
'Now he's turned 40, he thinks it's time he did.
' 'He's travelling around the world to see how other people deal 'with life's big questions' 'We've had the Iron Age, the Stone Age - 'this is the Pissing About Age.
' '.
.
and to see if the issues are such a big deal anyway.
' 'In this episode, Karl wants to know why people get married.
' Just because they love each other, they drag other people into it - get on with it.
'How do you meet the ideal partner?' I would like to meet you again.
All right.
'And whether you really need a big wedding.
' There's 5,000 people.
How many people do they know? 'This is The Moaning Of Life.
' Who's the mental one here? Is it me or everyone else? I've been with Suzanne for - what? 20 years or something now.
I don't feel like I have to get married.
Everything about is a false, made up, over-the-top day.
I blame films - "Oh, the princess is getting married" and all that.
They never did a Cinderella sequel.
How was it after the shoe fit? Did they get on? I don't know.
It's easy to be all romantic when everyone's getting flowers - what's it like on a shitty day when your boiler's knackered? 'We're looking at relationships and marriage 'and the different reasons people pick people.
' 'They've got a simple way of doing things here - arranged marriages.
' I'm meeting a bloke called Gopal, who's job it is to get people together.
It's like online dating, but the mums and dads get together and they have a bit of a say on whether it's the person for you.
I don't know who me mum and dad would pick.
Me mum likes anyone.
She tends to feel sorry for people who look a bit odd - that's what she liked about Elvis.
Whenever Elvis was on stage, sweating, he'd get a towel off someone who was a bit ugly, a fat lump.
He'd never go for the nice-looking woman and that's what she'd do with me - "No-one else would want this person, you go out with her.
" She's too nice for her own good.
Whereas me dad, he'd end up picking someone who's dad runs the butcher's or something so he can get free meat.
Here we are.
A To Z.
OK, then.
Date of birth - 1972.
Height - I'm about six foot.
Blood type Surely you don't pick people on your blood type.
Being bald, I think that should be on here - loads of women don't want a bald bloke.
I'm hairy.
I've got hairy ears, hairy chest, hair on me back.
But none on me head.
Some women would be like "Definitely not.
" But there's not a space for that.
They're asking me blood type.
I've never heard that - "It wasn't working.
" "Why?" "Odd blood.
" Is that good? There wasn't a part about the bald head and hairy.
If she was bald, I'd want to know.
Right, so this is the bit where I write down what I want out of the woman.
So, education.
Erm She's quite intelligent.
Yeah.
It's not exam results I want, I just want common sense in a woman.
Technical qualification.
I'll put electrical, that's quite handy.
I haven't got a clue.
She wouldn't want me, I don't think.
I don't think she would like me.
I don't want her being into celeb life, reading Heat magazine and all that.
I don't want her wasting her time on that sort of shit.
She can have magazines, but not that sort.
What's her hair like? Why's she got a cap on? She'd never get anything done.
That's the same woman without the cap? Better with the cap.
How much jewellery? Does she wear a lot of jewellery? No, no.
She's not fond of jewellery.
Does Suzanne not have rings? No, I don't buy her much jewellery.
It annoys me.
She had a mate who had loads and the more I heard it, the more I couldn't focus on what I was doing.
It was like knocking about with a wind chime.
I don't like it.
Can I just see her head again? It's good.
Do you think she'd like me? I never wear a suit.
Really? Afternoon.
You all right? Just after a suit.
How's business? Busy? This popular style? It is very popular.
I'm on a date tonight.
Ohh.
Yeah.
You can get this colour if you want.
The design is the same.
Colour is different.
Hey, that looks good with the T-shirt.
Nice with the T-shirt.
She's going to be well happy with this.
'It's just a date.
' At least, this way, meet the family, there's no secrets.
I don't know how that would've affected I'm with Suzanne.
If I'd've met her mam straightaway, I might've gone "Forget it.
" Who knows? Sometimes you can just put two people together and they get on.
Look at Heston Blumenthal, that chef.
He puts weird shit together.
Vienetta with Yorkshire pudding.
"It shouldn't work.
" "I know, but it's nice.
" Have you? All good? Fairly good.
Yeah.
Are they doctors? No, no doctors.
They've retired now.
Me dad has done loads of jobs, from tiling, gardening, he's done courier work, taxi driver, he had a butty shop I didn't do that well.
The school wasn't very good that I went to.
If I'm honest, I wasn't interested in a lot of what they were teaching.
I just wanted to get school done and get a job.
I used to do a bit of robbing when I was younger.
Nothing big.
But, you know, toffees, chocolate Erm, I'd like to be picked on whether she thinks I'm the man who could look after her I know, but I don't think that should matter.
I could say I'm earning thousands, but I might not tell you I'm a gambler and I lose it all.
There's a lot of nutters out there who are earning fortunes, but they're idiots.
I don't owe any money.
She won't starve.
She's got a roof over her head.
We know somebody who was very interested in her.
Though she was 34, 35 Are you looking for somebody Who's domesticated or would you like your would-be wife What do you do now for living? For job? It's all about how you look.
How it looks.
You are intellectual.
You write book.
I've got a house.
Full house.
Five bedrooms.
Yeah, well Well, maybe in time.
I really would like to meet you again.
All right.
We always have lavish, big wedding.
Right.
That went well.
It went too well, really.
That is proper mental.
An hour 15 minutes and I could meet the person I'll spend the rest of my life with.
I've sat in doctor's waiting rooms with someone longer than that and I don't even know their name.
Here, I'm getting married to them.
I would like to study, so is it OK? You'd be fine with that? Would that be evenings or daytime? I think she would be all right and I know I'd be all right, so it would last.
She still liked me for what I was, there was no chat-up lines, no trying hard, it was just being meself.
I like cake.
You have a sweet tooth? Yeah.
Me too.
I love chocolate cake I love chocolate cakes Maybe you should learn baking.
Together, that'd be nice.
Eat yourself and bake him some.
Yeah, that should be good.
I forgot - I've got Suzanne at home, she doesn't know what's going on.
Last time I spoke to her, there was a problem with the boiler again! She's no idea I'm talking about getting married to some woman who I met an hour ago! Right.
It was good to know that, if everything did go tits up, someone would put up with me.
I don't know she looked at me as "the one", you couldn't find "the one" here, where the population's over a billion people.
You have trouble finding a parking space, it's that busy, so you couldn't find "the one".
I was just thinking about it last night, it was going over me head.
Shivani Pilkington.
Could imagine getting post through the door.
Shivani Shouting her name round the house.
What would happen if, like, I did meet her again? I'm not because we're busy, but say I did meet her again and I said "It's not working, is it?" Would it be wrong to say "If your sister's still available"? Like, last night with Shivani, she was up for marrying me day after tomorrow, wasn't she? So what they do here, because people meet like that, they meet really quickly and they don't know each other, so they end up paying a detective to follow people, to find out if the story they've been giving them is true.
I'm Karl.
How are you? So, what's the plan? Yeah.
He's not a smoker, he's a non-drinker, vegetarian Are you married? Marriage is a kind of bond in India.
If you are married, you are bound to each other, you share everything and if you are hiding something, you are not right to your partner.
Well, I met a woman last night OK.
To see if we could get married.
I went to a marriage broker, looked at some profiles, picked a woman, went and met her dad and her mum, had some biscuits OK.
She, er She loved me.
No! Yeah, she did.
She wanted a date today, but I said "I can't, I'm out on a job.
" Yeah, it was mad.
She was really keen.
Really keen.
Keen to get married with you.
Yeah! Yeah We are in the position.
We're in position? Yeah.
Do you know if he's wearing this T-shirt? That's not him, is it, with the striped jumper? See the striped jumper? Who's this bloke here? We're never going to find him here.
I'm currently working on another assignment also.
A lady is missing since last night.
Seems mad, we're messing about looking for this bloke, just to check if he smokes and eats meat.
Surely they should get all the people out looking for the woman.
Any joy? There he is! He's there! Yes, yes.
Yeah, that's him, that's him.
He's looking around, he's got a red folder.
He's looking well guilty.
He's looking shifty.
Why's he reading that there now? He's got his phone out.
I reckon he's calling a woman.
He's definitely meeting someone because he was on the phone.
The way he's walking around, sort of not aiming anywhere Could be staying somewhere tonight.
Would people who have a meeting wear a rucksack like that? Or could that have a change of clothing? It's a bit weird, to take a rucksack to a meeting.
I carry a rucksack to work.
Folder's gone in the bag.
Bottle of water.
It looks like sparkling.
Definitely him, isn't it? Definitely.
Yeah, his hair is sort of very bouffant.
He's meant to be working.
He's not.
Should send this video to his boss.
"Do you know what your employee's up to?" Wandering around car parks, drinking water It's lunch though.
Lunch time.
Is it? Why aren't we having lunch? I'm starving.
Do you want a bit of that cake? Do you want some food? Fucking hell.
Where did he go? You stay here.
Jesus.
I took me eye off him for a second.
Just looking at the chocolate brownie.
It's sort of like Oreo.
What was he doing? He was smoking.
He wasn't! The way he's holding that, I wouldn't say he's a heavy smoker.
Smoker He looks like a light smoker, the way he's holding it right in the middle of his mouth, like that.
But he's smoking.
He's smoking, yeah.
So what do we do now? We've seen him smoking.
Might be possible he's supposed to meet with any girl here.
Right, he's gone.
He's in the rickshaw.
My team is there.
Well, what are we here for, then? If there's another team, why are we all following this bloke, just because he's having a fag? It's hardly fucking crime of the century, is it? He might've started smoking today because he's nervous.
He's about to get married.
Has anyone thought of that? What a job this is.
What have you got there, Karl? Wedding invitation.
I knew it would happen.
Can't make a programme about weddings without actually having to go to one.
But I can't say I'm looking forward to it.
I'm just going to be helping out a wedding planner who's They've got to sort everything out, start to finish.
When we get an invite that size, I don't want Suzanne to see it because she'll go "We should go.
" It's the same as getting jury duty, to me.
You can't get out of it.
I didn't want to do it, can't get out of it, and it's the same with a wedding invite.
Just because they love each other, they drag other people into it - get on with it.
Get married, get on with it.
E-mail us the pictures, we're happy to have a look.
Just annoys me.
It's a small wedding.
The reception is 3,000 people.
That's ridiculous.
We need to make sure, given the time and money spent by the family, that we make this wedding a real success.
It's their once-in-a-lifetime event.
We go to the groom's house now.
Please help him get ready.
There's things he needs to put on his head.
Make sure it's straight.
Here's your outfit.
You think you'll be comfortable? It's all right, that.
Have you been told what to do? Basically just a shit shifter for the day, by the sounds of things.
Got to make sure the groom's hat's on straight.
That's when you know an event's overstaffed, when you've got someone whose job it is to go "It's a bit Perfect.
" Seriously.
The state that India's in, the amount of things that do need staff and yet I'm walking around, watching a fella's hat.
That's the problem with India.
I've been watching someone having a fag.
What about the important things that need sorting? You'll be with the groom.
Make sure that he's ready and at 10.
15 sharp, you start assembling everybody for the temple.
How are you? This is the groom's brother.
He's the next one to get married.
Right, yeah.
Is she all right? Happy today? Oh, the bride, right.
Is there anything else you'd like him to do? There's the groom.
Oh, hello.
How are you? How you feeling? Yeah? Can we starting getting everybody ready? There's a lot going on.
What about the pressure of people saying "You have to find someone" - does that annoy you? You'll find someone when you're ready.
Can you make sure you see how the thing is tied? Twist it It looks so nice.
Cover the head That is some setup on the telly.
Is that all for the TV? It's mad, isn't it? You got a music channel? Can we forget this and concentrate there? I'm keeping an eye You have to because if it comes off Let's go check upstairs.
Karl, please make sure you know it.
I'll tuck it in.
Thank you.
Just like that Good sound.
Listen to that.
Can everybody come through, please? Stairs that way, lift that way.
Can other people use the stairs? Everybody to the basement, please.
We're not messing around, we're actually leaving now.
Come on.
It's good that you're asking them to go, but please try to be polite because it's a marriage home.
We need to be assertive, but not I did say "Please".
I understand, but I want you to keep that in your mind, that's all.
Can we go now? OK? Look, if they don't come I've told them.
Right, we're actually shutting the door now.
If it's covering your eye, just give it a push.
Is there enough room for another? When they said that these weddings last for ever, it's because they couldn't be arsed going through this again.
This is what we should do at home.
It would make people stay together.
Karl? Hang on, it's happening, it's happening.
Are you all right? It's fine, just keep pushing it up.
Let me show you the food.
So all these things get served to the guests.
There are about 25 different dishes here.
You know I don't like crowds? It's busy.
That noise What is that? It's that that high-pitched one.
You know when you've got a wasp behind a curtain and its wings go mental? It's like that - v-v-v It's not musical.
It's just noise.
This one Karl? A tiny bit, yeah? OK.
Karl, you can be a little quicker.
Karl, don't ask whether people want one or two.
But some people were doing that How many do you want? Two? Karl? Ohh The family seemed to enjoy it.
Yeah, the mum's loving it.
His brother looks as if he's enjoying it as much as I am.
I caught him stood there, nodding his head, like "What is this about?" He's probably thinking "I've got to do all this.
" You can't even say "I'm gay" because gays get married now.
Even that's not an excuse.
I couldn't even do this.
I haven't got this many family.
All the numbers in me mobile phone wouldn't fill this row of tables.
I hardly know anyone.
But I want to keep it that way, to be honest.
She's younger than me.
Maybe she's on Twitter - you have thousands of followers, even though you don't know them, put on there "I'm getting married, do you want to come?" That's the problem, it gets way out of hand.
Way out of hand.
This is the entrance where the guests will walk in from.
This is where the waiters will have welcome drinks.
The ushers will be here.
Can you make sure all the candles are lit? Yeah, I'll do that now.
Hi.
Candle's out.
I think this will not light up.
No, looks burnt, the wick.
Can I leave that with you? There's another one over here.
$200,000.
They got some cheap candles.
Peanuts or snacks? You're OK? No problem.
See the two men in the corner? They want chicken.
Looking a bit low on peanuts.
Need any more peanuts? You're all right? It's mental.
It's proper mental.
Vik's going to be there - it started at eight - till 11, shaking hands.
And they're filming it all to hand out to people who couldn't make it.
Who couldn't make it? There's 5,000 people.
How many people do they know? I just wouldn't record it.
William and Kate, it was on the BBC.
Bet they didn't record it.
You don't watch it back.
It happens and then you get on with your life.
This is stupid.
Ridiculous.
How many people are there? 5,000? How many toilets? Two.
And the amount of peanuts I've been handing out.
It's going to get pretty busy here.
What have you got there, Karl? It's a sort of invite to a pheromone party going on in LA.
And, er, it's just another way of meeting people.
But with a bit of science involved.
It's the smell.
Based on smell.
Like dogs.
They sniff each other's arse.
They don't go "Try a chat-up line" or "I like the look of that one", they go to the arse, like the smell, then do what they've got to do.
At the end of the day, we're animals, aren't we? So maybe we should take something from that.
What's your name? Karl.
You're number 50.
That's important for you to remember.
Pay attention to the screen here because women who like your set will take your bag and hold it up and then you'll see what they look like and go find them at the party.
That's nicer than that one.
Yeah? You go for it.
Ooh, Jesus.
That should be binned.
Oh, that is a bloke's? Oh, right, right.
Fuck me.
I'm having that one.
What you could do is take 'em all, play it safe.
Did I? Which one were you? What did you like about it? 29.
Can I have a smell again? Or I can smell you.
You don't remember? I remember liking it, but I've had me nose in a lot of stuff.
Have you just willy-nilly been choosing shirts that smelled? Just like, one, two, three No, no.
I wasn't just No, no.
I've put some back.
Let me just You were choosing willy-nilly.
No, I wasn't! You can't remember which one's mine.
I picked three.
I smelt it for, like, 20 seconds.
You're not going to commit to one? You're going to choose three? You smelt nice.
Three out of three? You were me favourite.
I would be complimented if you remembered which one I was.
I liked it at the time.
OK, which one was it? 20-something.
23.
No.
Sorry.
So that's it? That's it.
Fuck me.
It's hard, innit? I think you picked my T-shirt.
Oh, chocolatey.
It is chocolatey.
You like chocolate? I do, admittedly! You like Revels? Revels You get a Malteser, you get a nut-covered chocolate, caramel - it's a mixed bag.
That sounds amazing! What else do you like? I do like facts.
When koalas are born, they get the gut flora to digest eucalyptus by eating their mum's shit.
Do you know what a wombat is? I do, yes.
When a wombat shits, it's square.
I like that about you, that you know that.
In every sort of romantic film, there's a woman with glasses on Hello, can I help you? Which number were you? Yeah, I thought it was all right.
Yeah, it was nice.
It just smelt like you were clean.
That's all I wanted, really.
Not too much perfume.
And it matches you.
You don't have loads of makeup, a bit on the eyes.
Simple, not overdone What's that? Pie? You like pie? I love the smell of pie.
Sarah.
Nice to see you.
No, it's good I did, yeah.
Er I think there's something in this.
It's going back to basics.
It's what cavemen would've done.
Or cavewomen, to meet the man.
They couldn't even speak, they couldn't do themselves up, they didn't have perfumes.
So the only thing they had, really, would've been their smell.
And that's what we've done tonight.
It's gone back to basics.
The only problem is is that it was like me nose has got standards that are sort of unachievable for me.
Higher standards than it should have, really.
Because it's attached to me and I'm not going to get the women it wants.
I don't know who it thinks I am.
That's the problem.
Yeah, you liked my scent, but you don't know which number it was.
Oh, shut up.
Shut up.
You're doing me head in.
Fucking hell.
Proper mental.
She's busting your balls.
She is.
What annoys me with overseas weddings is the invite.
You've got a mate who's decided to get married in Canada.
You get an invite saying "We'd love you to be there" - that annoys me.
You've got to pay for a flight and hotel and take time off because he's getting married in Canada.
I'm happy for them, but are they having a laugh? Who in their right mind would do that? They're trying to make it more special.
But that's lovely for them.
It makes me laugh.
As if "I don't know if you're passing" "No, it's in Canada! Ten hours on a plane!" There's no way in this world I'd do that.
No way.
So they stick the chapels on main roads like this? Yeah.
That's weird, innit? There's a drive-through one.
It is a drive-through wedding.
Are you sure, if I drive through, we won't get involved in a wedding? It's good, innit? I'm not a fan of these.
Cherubs.
Why not? They're sinister.
Considering they're meant to represent love, I don't get it.
Babies with wings.
And they haven't got nappies on, so that's causing a load of hassle.
Flying around, shitting everywhere.
You want to get married in the drive-through? How long's it take? Ten minutes.
That's good, that.
It goes like this What is your name? Karl.
Your girlfriend's name? Suzanne.
Karl, will you take Suzanne to be your wife? Will you promise to love and honour her respect her and keep her all your life? Yep.
And, Suzanne, will you take Karl for your husband? Yeah.
Will you promise him that you will love and honour him, respect him and keep him all the days of your life? Yep.
You have chosen this beautiful lady because you want to be with her.
It's no accident that you're together.
She wants to be loved by you Yep.
And you want to be loved by her.
And when that's going on, engine - leave it running? Or turn it off? We'd say no.
We say no.
No engine running.
Are you going to pick out her dress? Or are you going to give her a description? Is she tiny? Or big? Or little? Or tall? She's not little.
Is she tall? Not really.
If she was taller, she wouldn't be as big.
That's the problem - she's got too much skin for her bones.
I'm not having a go.
She knows I love her.
She's quite plump.
No, not plump.
That sounds bad.
No, she's She's, er She's not thin.
You don't want a dress? No.
I think she should just wear what she normally wears.
Well, a chapel I'm not really that bothered about If I was to get married This is where you'd go.
I think I'd do the drive-through.
You don't want to walk down the aisle? No, definitely.
No, this is what I don't want.
No.
You don't? No.
We are gathered here today, in the presence of God, to celebrate ten years of holy matrimony together.
If I was to do it - honestly, I'm not messing about - if, for some reason, I had to get married, I'd be happy with this.
It's like a McDonald's.
You come in, straight up to there, "I do" and out.
That's how it should be.
Done in ten minutes.
You order a Filet-o-Fish, you can wait that time if it's not ready.
What's the plan, then? The journey's been all about marriage, why people do it, different ways that they do it.
And I'm here today just to sort out a wedding.
A couple called Jon and Angie, who are getting married.
They haven't got loads of money, not like Vik and Deepa in India, they haven't got shitloads of money to chuck at a massive event.
But they've let me come up with a concept for them.
It's a little bit fancier than the drive-through wedding that goes on, but, you know, still simple, small.
Everything that I've been saying from the start, really.
All right, Charlotte? Hi! Come on, let's get in, get this sorted out.
OK.
I came up with this idea after being at the pheromone party in LA.
Your smell is important.
Your smell in your clothes, your pheromones - it's important in a relationship.
What's the idea, then? Well, the couple are going to come in, with their washing, have a basket each, have a proper whiff of it, making sure they're happy with the smell.
Chuck it in the machine.
Two lots of dirty washing sort of become one.
We are gathered here today at the laundromat in Las Vegas, Nevada Why does it matter where a wedding is? It's just a building.
People get married in a church and I know they're not religious and they love it all - it's a church and it's all proper and you dress up and have the bell going.
What's the bell for? It's just annoying.
They know you're getting married - you sent invites.
They'll be there.
You don't have to make a racket.
This moment is what you have waited for - to belong to each other.
And today is the most important day of your life.
It makes me laugh on Relocation when people go "I want to live in a nice village with a church.
" Why? Every weekend, someone's gets married - those bells are going off.
Car alarms piss you off, but what about a church? Will you please change your dirty baskets? At least in here - it's pretty quiet these days with tumble dryers.
At this time, I would like for you to sniff each other's dirty laundry, please.
This is the point now.
If you don't like it, you're best saying now and we can knock this on the head and you can go home.
So you've had a smell.
Are you definitely happy? Definitely? Definitely.
Definitely.
Really? Yes.
Yeah? Definitely.
Definitely.
Great, Jon.
So, at this time, we would like to have you take your dirty laundry and put it in the machine so that the beautiful fragrance of each other can blend in together.
Take one last smell.
Ahh.
It is science.
You can't argue with science.
If you like the smell of someone, then you should be together, maybe.
I do think it's an important part of a relationship.
The big wedding that we saw in India with Vik and Deepa, they have organised weddings over there, arranged marriages.
Is it because they can't use smell there because of spices and things? You're not smelling the real person because you're eating masala and tamarind and all those spices.
You're getting the smells of what they're eating.
Maybe that's why they've got to have arranged marriages.
Might be.
Do you know what I mean? Makes sense.
So now that we have cleared all of the dirty laundry and everything is nice and fresh and clean, I would like for you both to hold hands.
Repeat after me.
I, Jonathan I, Jonathan take thee, Angela .
.
take thee, Angela for my wife.
.
.
for my wife.
To love you and trust you to be faithful to you .
.
to be faithful to you all the days of my life.
.
.
all the days of my life.
By the power vested in me by the state of Nevada, I do now pronounce you husband and wife, together for ever.
You may now sniff your bride.
Not bad, is it? Considering the end result is the same as the one in India.
And they got their washing done.
I mean, you can't fault it.
It may not be everyone's cup of tea, but surely this makes more sense.
Doesn't it? It's a special day.
Every time they put a wash on, they'll remember when they got married.
It's the future.
How many of these are closing down? You have to do more with a business.
Maybe laundrettes should do this.
A white wedding.
A really white wedding.
' 'The need for love, marriage and lifelong commitment, 'the yearning to reproduce and the survival of the human race, 'the search for a vocation, the desire to find happiness 'and the inevitable end - death.
' 'But Karl Pilkington has not given a second thought 'to any of these issues.
' This cat's cross-eyed.
'Now he's turned 40, he thinks it's time he did.
' 'He's travelling around the world to see how other people deal 'with life's big questions' 'We've had the Iron Age, the Stone Age - 'this is the Pissing About Age.
' '.
.
and to see if the issues are such a big deal anyway.
' 'In this episode, Karl wants to know why people get married.
' Just because they love each other, they drag other people into it - get on with it.
'How do you meet the ideal partner?' I would like to meet you again.
All right.
'And whether you really need a big wedding.
' There's 5,000 people.
How many people do they know? 'This is The Moaning Of Life.
' Who's the mental one here? Is it me or everyone else? I've been with Suzanne for - what? 20 years or something now.
I don't feel like I have to get married.
Everything about is a false, made up, over-the-top day.
I blame films - "Oh, the princess is getting married" and all that.
They never did a Cinderella sequel.
How was it after the shoe fit? Did they get on? I don't know.
It's easy to be all romantic when everyone's getting flowers - what's it like on a shitty day when your boiler's knackered? 'We're looking at relationships and marriage 'and the different reasons people pick people.
' 'They've got a simple way of doing things here - arranged marriages.
' I'm meeting a bloke called Gopal, who's job it is to get people together.
It's like online dating, but the mums and dads get together and they have a bit of a say on whether it's the person for you.
I don't know who me mum and dad would pick.
Me mum likes anyone.
She tends to feel sorry for people who look a bit odd - that's what she liked about Elvis.
Whenever Elvis was on stage, sweating, he'd get a towel off someone who was a bit ugly, a fat lump.
He'd never go for the nice-looking woman and that's what she'd do with me - "No-one else would want this person, you go out with her.
" She's too nice for her own good.
Whereas me dad, he'd end up picking someone who's dad runs the butcher's or something so he can get free meat.
Here we are.
A To Z.
OK, then.
Date of birth - 1972.
Height - I'm about six foot.
Blood type Surely you don't pick people on your blood type.
Being bald, I think that should be on here - loads of women don't want a bald bloke.
I'm hairy.
I've got hairy ears, hairy chest, hair on me back.
But none on me head.
Some women would be like "Definitely not.
" But there's not a space for that.
They're asking me blood type.
I've never heard that - "It wasn't working.
" "Why?" "Odd blood.
" Is that good? There wasn't a part about the bald head and hairy.
If she was bald, I'd want to know.
Right, so this is the bit where I write down what I want out of the woman.
So, education.
Erm She's quite intelligent.
Yeah.
It's not exam results I want, I just want common sense in a woman.
Technical qualification.
I'll put electrical, that's quite handy.
I haven't got a clue.
She wouldn't want me, I don't think.
I don't think she would like me.
I don't want her being into celeb life, reading Heat magazine and all that.
I don't want her wasting her time on that sort of shit.
She can have magazines, but not that sort.
What's her hair like? Why's she got a cap on? She'd never get anything done.
That's the same woman without the cap? Better with the cap.
How much jewellery? Does she wear a lot of jewellery? No, no.
She's not fond of jewellery.
Does Suzanne not have rings? No, I don't buy her much jewellery.
It annoys me.
She had a mate who had loads and the more I heard it, the more I couldn't focus on what I was doing.
It was like knocking about with a wind chime.
I don't like it.
Can I just see her head again? It's good.
Do you think she'd like me? I never wear a suit.
Really? Afternoon.
You all right? Just after a suit.
How's business? Busy? This popular style? It is very popular.
I'm on a date tonight.
Ohh.
Yeah.
You can get this colour if you want.
The design is the same.
Colour is different.
Hey, that looks good with the T-shirt.
Nice with the T-shirt.
She's going to be well happy with this.
'It's just a date.
' At least, this way, meet the family, there's no secrets.
I don't know how that would've affected I'm with Suzanne.
If I'd've met her mam straightaway, I might've gone "Forget it.
" Who knows? Sometimes you can just put two people together and they get on.
Look at Heston Blumenthal, that chef.
He puts weird shit together.
Vienetta with Yorkshire pudding.
"It shouldn't work.
" "I know, but it's nice.
" Have you? All good? Fairly good.
Yeah.
Are they doctors? No, no doctors.
They've retired now.
Me dad has done loads of jobs, from tiling, gardening, he's done courier work, taxi driver, he had a butty shop I didn't do that well.
The school wasn't very good that I went to.
If I'm honest, I wasn't interested in a lot of what they were teaching.
I just wanted to get school done and get a job.
I used to do a bit of robbing when I was younger.
Nothing big.
But, you know, toffees, chocolate Erm, I'd like to be picked on whether she thinks I'm the man who could look after her I know, but I don't think that should matter.
I could say I'm earning thousands, but I might not tell you I'm a gambler and I lose it all.
There's a lot of nutters out there who are earning fortunes, but they're idiots.
I don't owe any money.
She won't starve.
She's got a roof over her head.
We know somebody who was very interested in her.
Though she was 34, 35 Are you looking for somebody Who's domesticated or would you like your would-be wife What do you do now for living? For job? It's all about how you look.
How it looks.
You are intellectual.
You write book.
I've got a house.
Full house.
Five bedrooms.
Yeah, well Well, maybe in time.
I really would like to meet you again.
All right.
We always have lavish, big wedding.
Right.
That went well.
It went too well, really.
That is proper mental.
An hour 15 minutes and I could meet the person I'll spend the rest of my life with.
I've sat in doctor's waiting rooms with someone longer than that and I don't even know their name.
Here, I'm getting married to them.
I would like to study, so is it OK? You'd be fine with that? Would that be evenings or daytime? I think she would be all right and I know I'd be all right, so it would last.
She still liked me for what I was, there was no chat-up lines, no trying hard, it was just being meself.
I like cake.
You have a sweet tooth? Yeah.
Me too.
I love chocolate cake I love chocolate cakes Maybe you should learn baking.
Together, that'd be nice.
Eat yourself and bake him some.
Yeah, that should be good.
I forgot - I've got Suzanne at home, she doesn't know what's going on.
Last time I spoke to her, there was a problem with the boiler again! She's no idea I'm talking about getting married to some woman who I met an hour ago! Right.
It was good to know that, if everything did go tits up, someone would put up with me.
I don't know she looked at me as "the one", you couldn't find "the one" here, where the population's over a billion people.
You have trouble finding a parking space, it's that busy, so you couldn't find "the one".
I was just thinking about it last night, it was going over me head.
Shivani Pilkington.
Could imagine getting post through the door.
Shivani Shouting her name round the house.
What would happen if, like, I did meet her again? I'm not because we're busy, but say I did meet her again and I said "It's not working, is it?" Would it be wrong to say "If your sister's still available"? Like, last night with Shivani, she was up for marrying me day after tomorrow, wasn't she? So what they do here, because people meet like that, they meet really quickly and they don't know each other, so they end up paying a detective to follow people, to find out if the story they've been giving them is true.
I'm Karl.
How are you? So, what's the plan? Yeah.
He's not a smoker, he's a non-drinker, vegetarian Are you married? Marriage is a kind of bond in India.
If you are married, you are bound to each other, you share everything and if you are hiding something, you are not right to your partner.
Well, I met a woman last night OK.
To see if we could get married.
I went to a marriage broker, looked at some profiles, picked a woman, went and met her dad and her mum, had some biscuits OK.
She, er She loved me.
No! Yeah, she did.
She wanted a date today, but I said "I can't, I'm out on a job.
" Yeah, it was mad.
She was really keen.
Really keen.
Keen to get married with you.
Yeah! Yeah We are in the position.
We're in position? Yeah.
Do you know if he's wearing this T-shirt? That's not him, is it, with the striped jumper? See the striped jumper? Who's this bloke here? We're never going to find him here.
I'm currently working on another assignment also.
A lady is missing since last night.
Seems mad, we're messing about looking for this bloke, just to check if he smokes and eats meat.
Surely they should get all the people out looking for the woman.
Any joy? There he is! He's there! Yes, yes.
Yeah, that's him, that's him.
He's looking around, he's got a red folder.
He's looking well guilty.
He's looking shifty.
Why's he reading that there now? He's got his phone out.
I reckon he's calling a woman.
He's definitely meeting someone because he was on the phone.
The way he's walking around, sort of not aiming anywhere Could be staying somewhere tonight.
Would people who have a meeting wear a rucksack like that? Or could that have a change of clothing? It's a bit weird, to take a rucksack to a meeting.
I carry a rucksack to work.
Folder's gone in the bag.
Bottle of water.
It looks like sparkling.
Definitely him, isn't it? Definitely.
Yeah, his hair is sort of very bouffant.
He's meant to be working.
He's not.
Should send this video to his boss.
"Do you know what your employee's up to?" Wandering around car parks, drinking water It's lunch though.
Lunch time.
Is it? Why aren't we having lunch? I'm starving.
Do you want a bit of that cake? Do you want some food? Fucking hell.
Where did he go? You stay here.
Jesus.
I took me eye off him for a second.
Just looking at the chocolate brownie.
It's sort of like Oreo.
What was he doing? He was smoking.
He wasn't! The way he's holding that, I wouldn't say he's a heavy smoker.
Smoker He looks like a light smoker, the way he's holding it right in the middle of his mouth, like that.
But he's smoking.
He's smoking, yeah.
So what do we do now? We've seen him smoking.
Might be possible he's supposed to meet with any girl here.
Right, he's gone.
He's in the rickshaw.
My team is there.
Well, what are we here for, then? If there's another team, why are we all following this bloke, just because he's having a fag? It's hardly fucking crime of the century, is it? He might've started smoking today because he's nervous.
He's about to get married.
Has anyone thought of that? What a job this is.
What have you got there, Karl? Wedding invitation.
I knew it would happen.
Can't make a programme about weddings without actually having to go to one.
But I can't say I'm looking forward to it.
I'm just going to be helping out a wedding planner who's They've got to sort everything out, start to finish.
When we get an invite that size, I don't want Suzanne to see it because she'll go "We should go.
" It's the same as getting jury duty, to me.
You can't get out of it.
I didn't want to do it, can't get out of it, and it's the same with a wedding invite.
Just because they love each other, they drag other people into it - get on with it.
Get married, get on with it.
E-mail us the pictures, we're happy to have a look.
Just annoys me.
It's a small wedding.
The reception is 3,000 people.
That's ridiculous.
We need to make sure, given the time and money spent by the family, that we make this wedding a real success.
It's their once-in-a-lifetime event.
We go to the groom's house now.
Please help him get ready.
There's things he needs to put on his head.
Make sure it's straight.
Here's your outfit.
You think you'll be comfortable? It's all right, that.
Have you been told what to do? Basically just a shit shifter for the day, by the sounds of things.
Got to make sure the groom's hat's on straight.
That's when you know an event's overstaffed, when you've got someone whose job it is to go "It's a bit Perfect.
" Seriously.
The state that India's in, the amount of things that do need staff and yet I'm walking around, watching a fella's hat.
That's the problem with India.
I've been watching someone having a fag.
What about the important things that need sorting? You'll be with the groom.
Make sure that he's ready and at 10.
15 sharp, you start assembling everybody for the temple.
How are you? This is the groom's brother.
He's the next one to get married.
Right, yeah.
Is she all right? Happy today? Oh, the bride, right.
Is there anything else you'd like him to do? There's the groom.
Oh, hello.
How are you? How you feeling? Yeah? Can we starting getting everybody ready? There's a lot going on.
What about the pressure of people saying "You have to find someone" - does that annoy you? You'll find someone when you're ready.
Can you make sure you see how the thing is tied? Twist it It looks so nice.
Cover the head That is some setup on the telly.
Is that all for the TV? It's mad, isn't it? You got a music channel? Can we forget this and concentrate there? I'm keeping an eye You have to because if it comes off Let's go check upstairs.
Karl, please make sure you know it.
I'll tuck it in.
Thank you.
Just like that Good sound.
Listen to that.
Can everybody come through, please? Stairs that way, lift that way.
Can other people use the stairs? Everybody to the basement, please.
We're not messing around, we're actually leaving now.
Come on.
It's good that you're asking them to go, but please try to be polite because it's a marriage home.
We need to be assertive, but not I did say "Please".
I understand, but I want you to keep that in your mind, that's all.
Can we go now? OK? Look, if they don't come I've told them.
Right, we're actually shutting the door now.
If it's covering your eye, just give it a push.
Is there enough room for another? When they said that these weddings last for ever, it's because they couldn't be arsed going through this again.
This is what we should do at home.
It would make people stay together.
Karl? Hang on, it's happening, it's happening.
Are you all right? It's fine, just keep pushing it up.
Let me show you the food.
So all these things get served to the guests.
There are about 25 different dishes here.
You know I don't like crowds? It's busy.
That noise What is that? It's that that high-pitched one.
You know when you've got a wasp behind a curtain and its wings go mental? It's like that - v-v-v It's not musical.
It's just noise.
This one Karl? A tiny bit, yeah? OK.
Karl, you can be a little quicker.
Karl, don't ask whether people want one or two.
But some people were doing that How many do you want? Two? Karl? Ohh The family seemed to enjoy it.
Yeah, the mum's loving it.
His brother looks as if he's enjoying it as much as I am.
I caught him stood there, nodding his head, like "What is this about?" He's probably thinking "I've got to do all this.
" You can't even say "I'm gay" because gays get married now.
Even that's not an excuse.
I couldn't even do this.
I haven't got this many family.
All the numbers in me mobile phone wouldn't fill this row of tables.
I hardly know anyone.
But I want to keep it that way, to be honest.
She's younger than me.
Maybe she's on Twitter - you have thousands of followers, even though you don't know them, put on there "I'm getting married, do you want to come?" That's the problem, it gets way out of hand.
Way out of hand.
This is the entrance where the guests will walk in from.
This is where the waiters will have welcome drinks.
The ushers will be here.
Can you make sure all the candles are lit? Yeah, I'll do that now.
Hi.
Candle's out.
I think this will not light up.
No, looks burnt, the wick.
Can I leave that with you? There's another one over here.
$200,000.
They got some cheap candles.
Peanuts or snacks? You're OK? No problem.
See the two men in the corner? They want chicken.
Looking a bit low on peanuts.
Need any more peanuts? You're all right? It's mental.
It's proper mental.
Vik's going to be there - it started at eight - till 11, shaking hands.
And they're filming it all to hand out to people who couldn't make it.
Who couldn't make it? There's 5,000 people.
How many people do they know? I just wouldn't record it.
William and Kate, it was on the BBC.
Bet they didn't record it.
You don't watch it back.
It happens and then you get on with your life.
This is stupid.
Ridiculous.
How many people are there? 5,000? How many toilets? Two.
And the amount of peanuts I've been handing out.
It's going to get pretty busy here.
What have you got there, Karl? It's a sort of invite to a pheromone party going on in LA.
And, er, it's just another way of meeting people.
But with a bit of science involved.
It's the smell.
Based on smell.
Like dogs.
They sniff each other's arse.
They don't go "Try a chat-up line" or "I like the look of that one", they go to the arse, like the smell, then do what they've got to do.
At the end of the day, we're animals, aren't we? So maybe we should take something from that.
What's your name? Karl.
You're number 50.
That's important for you to remember.
Pay attention to the screen here because women who like your set will take your bag and hold it up and then you'll see what they look like and go find them at the party.
That's nicer than that one.
Yeah? You go for it.
Ooh, Jesus.
That should be binned.
Oh, that is a bloke's? Oh, right, right.
Fuck me.
I'm having that one.
What you could do is take 'em all, play it safe.
Did I? Which one were you? What did you like about it? 29.
Can I have a smell again? Or I can smell you.
You don't remember? I remember liking it, but I've had me nose in a lot of stuff.
Have you just willy-nilly been choosing shirts that smelled? Just like, one, two, three No, no.
I wasn't just No, no.
I've put some back.
Let me just You were choosing willy-nilly.
No, I wasn't! You can't remember which one's mine.
I picked three.
I smelt it for, like, 20 seconds.
You're not going to commit to one? You're going to choose three? You smelt nice.
Three out of three? You were me favourite.
I would be complimented if you remembered which one I was.
I liked it at the time.
OK, which one was it? 20-something.
23.
No.
Sorry.
So that's it? That's it.
Fuck me.
It's hard, innit? I think you picked my T-shirt.
Oh, chocolatey.
It is chocolatey.
You like chocolate? I do, admittedly! You like Revels? Revels You get a Malteser, you get a nut-covered chocolate, caramel - it's a mixed bag.
That sounds amazing! What else do you like? I do like facts.
When koalas are born, they get the gut flora to digest eucalyptus by eating their mum's shit.
Do you know what a wombat is? I do, yes.
When a wombat shits, it's square.
I like that about you, that you know that.
In every sort of romantic film, there's a woman with glasses on Hello, can I help you? Which number were you? Yeah, I thought it was all right.
Yeah, it was nice.
It just smelt like you were clean.
That's all I wanted, really.
Not too much perfume.
And it matches you.
You don't have loads of makeup, a bit on the eyes.
Simple, not overdone What's that? Pie? You like pie? I love the smell of pie.
Sarah.
Nice to see you.
No, it's good I did, yeah.
Er I think there's something in this.
It's going back to basics.
It's what cavemen would've done.
Or cavewomen, to meet the man.
They couldn't even speak, they couldn't do themselves up, they didn't have perfumes.
So the only thing they had, really, would've been their smell.
And that's what we've done tonight.
It's gone back to basics.
The only problem is is that it was like me nose has got standards that are sort of unachievable for me.
Higher standards than it should have, really.
Because it's attached to me and I'm not going to get the women it wants.
I don't know who it thinks I am.
That's the problem.
Yeah, you liked my scent, but you don't know which number it was.
Oh, shut up.
Shut up.
You're doing me head in.
Fucking hell.
Proper mental.
She's busting your balls.
She is.
What annoys me with overseas weddings is the invite.
You've got a mate who's decided to get married in Canada.
You get an invite saying "We'd love you to be there" - that annoys me.
You've got to pay for a flight and hotel and take time off because he's getting married in Canada.
I'm happy for them, but are they having a laugh? Who in their right mind would do that? They're trying to make it more special.
But that's lovely for them.
It makes me laugh.
As if "I don't know if you're passing" "No, it's in Canada! Ten hours on a plane!" There's no way in this world I'd do that.
No way.
So they stick the chapels on main roads like this? Yeah.
That's weird, innit? There's a drive-through one.
It is a drive-through wedding.
Are you sure, if I drive through, we won't get involved in a wedding? It's good, innit? I'm not a fan of these.
Cherubs.
Why not? They're sinister.
Considering they're meant to represent love, I don't get it.
Babies with wings.
And they haven't got nappies on, so that's causing a load of hassle.
Flying around, shitting everywhere.
You want to get married in the drive-through? How long's it take? Ten minutes.
That's good, that.
It goes like this What is your name? Karl.
Your girlfriend's name? Suzanne.
Karl, will you take Suzanne to be your wife? Will you promise to love and honour her respect her and keep her all your life? Yep.
And, Suzanne, will you take Karl for your husband? Yeah.
Will you promise him that you will love and honour him, respect him and keep him all the days of your life? Yep.
You have chosen this beautiful lady because you want to be with her.
It's no accident that you're together.
She wants to be loved by you Yep.
And you want to be loved by her.
And when that's going on, engine - leave it running? Or turn it off? We'd say no.
We say no.
No engine running.
Are you going to pick out her dress? Or are you going to give her a description? Is she tiny? Or big? Or little? Or tall? She's not little.
Is she tall? Not really.
If she was taller, she wouldn't be as big.
That's the problem - she's got too much skin for her bones.
I'm not having a go.
She knows I love her.
She's quite plump.
No, not plump.
That sounds bad.
No, she's She's, er She's not thin.
You don't want a dress? No.
I think she should just wear what she normally wears.
Well, a chapel I'm not really that bothered about If I was to get married This is where you'd go.
I think I'd do the drive-through.
You don't want to walk down the aisle? No, definitely.
No, this is what I don't want.
No.
You don't? No.
We are gathered here today, in the presence of God, to celebrate ten years of holy matrimony together.
If I was to do it - honestly, I'm not messing about - if, for some reason, I had to get married, I'd be happy with this.
It's like a McDonald's.
You come in, straight up to there, "I do" and out.
That's how it should be.
Done in ten minutes.
You order a Filet-o-Fish, you can wait that time if it's not ready.
What's the plan, then? The journey's been all about marriage, why people do it, different ways that they do it.
And I'm here today just to sort out a wedding.
A couple called Jon and Angie, who are getting married.
They haven't got loads of money, not like Vik and Deepa in India, they haven't got shitloads of money to chuck at a massive event.
But they've let me come up with a concept for them.
It's a little bit fancier than the drive-through wedding that goes on, but, you know, still simple, small.
Everything that I've been saying from the start, really.
All right, Charlotte? Hi! Come on, let's get in, get this sorted out.
OK.
I came up with this idea after being at the pheromone party in LA.
Your smell is important.
Your smell in your clothes, your pheromones - it's important in a relationship.
What's the idea, then? Well, the couple are going to come in, with their washing, have a basket each, have a proper whiff of it, making sure they're happy with the smell.
Chuck it in the machine.
Two lots of dirty washing sort of become one.
We are gathered here today at the laundromat in Las Vegas, Nevada Why does it matter where a wedding is? It's just a building.
People get married in a church and I know they're not religious and they love it all - it's a church and it's all proper and you dress up and have the bell going.
What's the bell for? It's just annoying.
They know you're getting married - you sent invites.
They'll be there.
You don't have to make a racket.
This moment is what you have waited for - to belong to each other.
And today is the most important day of your life.
It makes me laugh on Relocation when people go "I want to live in a nice village with a church.
" Why? Every weekend, someone's gets married - those bells are going off.
Car alarms piss you off, but what about a church? Will you please change your dirty baskets? At least in here - it's pretty quiet these days with tumble dryers.
At this time, I would like for you to sniff each other's dirty laundry, please.
This is the point now.
If you don't like it, you're best saying now and we can knock this on the head and you can go home.
So you've had a smell.
Are you definitely happy? Definitely? Definitely.
Definitely.
Really? Yes.
Yeah? Definitely.
Definitely.
Great, Jon.
So, at this time, we would like to have you take your dirty laundry and put it in the machine so that the beautiful fragrance of each other can blend in together.
Take one last smell.
Ahh.
It is science.
You can't argue with science.
If you like the smell of someone, then you should be together, maybe.
I do think it's an important part of a relationship.
The big wedding that we saw in India with Vik and Deepa, they have organised weddings over there, arranged marriages.
Is it because they can't use smell there because of spices and things? You're not smelling the real person because you're eating masala and tamarind and all those spices.
You're getting the smells of what they're eating.
Maybe that's why they've got to have arranged marriages.
Might be.
Do you know what I mean? Makes sense.
So now that we have cleared all of the dirty laundry and everything is nice and fresh and clean, I would like for you both to hold hands.
Repeat after me.
I, Jonathan I, Jonathan take thee, Angela .
.
take thee, Angela for my wife.
.
.
for my wife.
To love you and trust you to be faithful to you .
.
to be faithful to you all the days of my life.
.
.
all the days of my life.
By the power vested in me by the state of Nevada, I do now pronounce you husband and wife, together for ever.
You may now sniff your bride.
Not bad, is it? Considering the end result is the same as the one in India.
And they got their washing done.
I mean, you can't fault it.
It may not be everyone's cup of tea, but surely this makes more sense.
Doesn't it? It's a special day.
Every time they put a wash on, they'll remember when they got married.
It's the future.
How many of these are closing down? You have to do more with a business.
Maybe laundrettes should do this.
A white wedding.
A really white wedding.