Kath & Kim (2008) s01e01 Episode Script
Love
(POP MUSIC PLAYING) Okay, so the Moon Wok at 6:30.
I can't wait.
(LAUGHING) You are a naughty Ned! (SIGHS) Lisa Rinna is so gorge on the Today Show.
You think? I am? Nobody's ever toId me that before.
(CAR DOOR SLAMMING) What is she doing here? Listen, I'II caII you Iater, sexy beast.
Mom! Kimmy, what WeII I'm getting a divorce.
It's over.
O-V-U-R.
A divorce? That's right.
Kim, you can't get a divorce.
You just got married.
Craig wants me to do things.
SexuaI things? UnusuaI things? (GROANS IN DISGUST) I need a nap.
Kim, you're making a big whoo-hoo out of nothing.
Now, don't be stupid.
(GASPS) Is Britney Spears stupid? Is MeIanie Griffinith stupid? (CRYING) Because they aII Ieft bad marriages.
Can you get my bag? I am not carrying up your bags, young Iady.
WeII, I'm moving back in.
You can't just move back in.
Yes.
Hey.
(EXCLAIMS) Boy, you are strong! Mom! (GRUNTS) (PANTING) What did you do to my room? You turned it into a freaking Curves! Oh, that zebra rug is so nice.
I know.
They had a haIf-off saIe at Z GaIIerie.
It's different, isn't it? Yeah, it's cute.
Yeah.
God, I can't beIieve it.
This is a nightmare! (GASPING) Where are aII my Care Bears? Take your shoes off in there.
If you took Teddy Vedder to the SaIvation Army, I'm going to freak out! You never give anything a chance, Kimmy.
You did that with high schooI and your job at the car wash.
WiII you forget about that job? My Iife is crap.
I need cookies.
Look, Kim, I know you're upset, but we need to be IeveIheaded about this.
(GASPS) Oh, no, no, no.
The Pecan Sandies are for company.
No! Kim.
Kimmy! What did you think marriage was going to be, huh? FIying off on your private jet to have cocktaiIs with the Prince of DeI Monaco? WeII, I didn't sign up for cooking dinner or being interested in how anyone's day was.
I'm a trophy wife, Iike MeIania Trump and Mrs.
Larry King Live.
You know, I read that Larry and Shawn are having troubIes.
That's terribIe.
So sad, these HoIIywood marriages, I teII you.
You're waIking down the street And a man tries to get your business 'Cause you're fiIthy Ooh, and gorgeous Love it.
Cake cutting time! (CROWD CHEERING) KATH.
.
Look at her.
She's got everything.
She shouId be the happiest girI in the worId.
(EXCLAIMING) Oh, my God! Are you serious? You jerk! KATH.
.
Maybe it's my fauIt.
Maybe I shouIdn't have drank aII that diet soda fiIIed with aspartame when I was pregnant.
KIM.
.
Me and Mom have aIways been together.
(ALL SCREAMING) She must have been so Iost without me.
If I didn't come home, she probabIy wouId have died.
KATH.
.
I can't teII her I'm madIy in Iove.
That wouId be insensitive.
I have a boyfriend.
What? I have a boyfriend! That is why you bought aII those new sweaters! GuiIty! The purpIe one with the panther is perfect.
That is perfection.
I know! It's Iike they threw a panther in the air and caught it in embroidery.
Wait.
Who is this Ioser? His name is PhiI Knight, and he is my knight in shining armor.
(GASPS) Do you remember that movie The Bodyguard, when Whitney Houston first meets Kevin Costner? He's bIack? No, he's He's Irish and WeIIish.
I can't beIieve you didn't teII me.
WeII, I didn't teII you because I know how protective you can be.
Yeah, weII, somebody has to be.
You're Iike a Ioser magnet.
I am not a Ioser magnet! Oh, reaIIy? How about the guy who Iived in the ice cream truck? Oh, that was for two months.
Or the fat guy you gave aII our money to? And what about the guy who cIosed his eyes when he taIked? ''Is your mom home?'' Yeah, he was very creepy.
Yeah.
You're sad.
WeII, that may be, Kim, but I've turned a corner in my Iife, and his name is PhiI.
So you better just hop on the train, because PhiI is taking me to dinner tonight, and I'm pretty sure he's going to propose! Propose? Okay.
Oh, Iook who it is! Hey, Kath.
Okay, you are being a brat.
Oh, jeez, that doggone cat is back.
She's going to ruin my rose bush! Everything is faIIing apart! You better get home right now, Kim, 'cause guess what? I'm putting my foot down, okay? So Iet's go.
PIease? Come on, pIease? PIease? I am begging you, baby.
Come on, pIease.
Kim Kim, aII I said was is that maybe you couId microwave dinner once in a whiIe, okay? We can't go to AppIebee's every singIe night, Kim.
We are not biIIionaires.
(CAT YELPING) (GRUNTING) Darn cat! Kimmy, Kimmy, just come home, baby.
(GROANING) Come home to Craigy.
Kim.
Kim.
Come on! Are you serious? SeriousIy, dude, I am totaIIy Iosing it.
Can you just Ieave? Okay.
AII right.
Peace out.
Oh, but check this, okay? If I take one step out this door, you'II never see me again.
Yeah, I wiII.
It's a gIass door.
(SIGHING) Why you got to be such a brainiac aII the time? (SNIFFLING) CRAIG.
.
Yeah! (WHOOPING) KIM.
.
Maybe I shouId have thought this whoIe marriage thing through.
(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING) The wedding was fun.
Dude, back up.
But now I have to do stuff? Come here! Come on! Come on! I Iove you, Kim! Do you see that? (WHOOPS) (LAUGHING) KATH.
.
I'm proud of where I am in my Iife.
Yes, I'm high maintenance, but you have to be.
I cIeanse and tone, but it's paid off.
(LAUGHING) You did? PhiI has come into my Iife, and it's going beautifuI at the moment.
I'm not going to Iet Kim (KIM EXCLAIMING) Oh, what the bedazzIe is she doing now? (KIM GRUNTING) What are you doing with my mini stepper? I can't sIeep on a mini stepper, Mom.
Put it back.
No.
(BOTH GRUNTING) Put it back! Your arms Iook great in that top, Mom.
Do they? Do you Iike the dream catcher earrings? (GASPING) Yeah, I think Lindsay had something Iike that on when she Ieft rehab.
(DOORBELL RINGING) Oh! He's here.
Be nice.
I'm aIways nice.
Yes! There he is! Come in if you're sexy! Hey, there, hot stuff! (EXCLAIMS) Ooh.
Save that for Iater, sexy beast.
PhiI, I'd Iike you to meet Kim.
(SIGHS) It's a pIeasure to meet the IoveIy daughter of the Iady who rocks my worId.
(EXCLAIMS) Okay.
Okay.
WeII, whiIe you two are getting acquainted, I'm going to go grab my cIutch.
Uh-uh.
Yes, I am.
No, you're not.
I am! I'II be right back! (BOTH LAUGHING) (WHISPERING) Be nice.
You know, Kimmy, your mother has toId me so much You know, Kim, next time you're down at the maII, come on down to PhiI's Sandwich IsIand.
Pretty much anything you want is on the hizzy.
WeII, I'm ready to go.
So, we're aII set? Okay.
Yeah.
I'm taking your mother out for a speciaI dinner.
PhiI's taking me out for Chinese food.
(SIGHS) Not that speciaI for, Iike, 8 biIIion Chinese peopIe.
(LAUGHING) Oh, Kim! You are too much.
Listen, I may be home Iate.
What do you say? Let's hit it.
Let's hit it.
Oh, Iisten, why don't you go out to the car first? I'm just going to say bye to Kim.
I'II be right there.
Roger that.
Roger that! Do you want me to teII you where I hid the Pecan Sandies? (WHINING) No.
I'II just sit here.
With aII my dreams in the trash.
(SNIFFLING) Can I have some more fried wontons? No.
(GROANS) Fried wontons.
Boy, you know, when I was big PhiI, I Iiked my fried wontons.
(GIGGLING) Did you? And my pizza.
Oh, yeah? And my pie.
Oh! Kim, did you know that PhiI Iost 200 pounds? Two years in August.
Wow! Do you have any pictures of you as a Ioad? (MOUTHING) WeII, Kimmy, you know, actuaIIy, there is a picture of me as a A Ioad.
It's on the HaII of Fame WaII down at the aII-you-can-eat Denny's on BristoI Road, and I am trying to get them to take it right back down.
And they won't do it.
But I shaII Iive to fight another day on the beaches of France! (LAUGHING) Oh, hey, couId you send over some dumpIings to that cute guy over there? What are you doing? I'm back on the market.
He's on a date, Kim.
So, I'm married.
You know what? Now's as good a time as any.
Kath Day Yes.
I have something I'd Iike to propose to you.
WAITER: They don't want dumpIings.
Lady said she's going to cut your throat if you Iook back at her again.
(KATH HUMMING) Did you hear that stupid cat waiIing Iast night? Nope.
How about a cup of joe for this tired soIdier? Oh, my God, that wasn't a cat! That was you two! That's right, we had a night of passion, and I'm not going to be ashamed of it.
(GROANING) I'm going to throw up.
WeII, maybe if you went back to Craig, you wouIdn't have to throw up.
Ooh, I'd better get dressed.
I got to hit the IsIand.
Are we stiII on for sushi tonight? Oh, oh, sushi sounds good.
CRAIG.
.
How about my wife? You've got to puII yourseIf together, Craig.
Come on, sit up.
You can't fuIIy sit up in this couch.
It's how it's designed.
You have got to get her to come back, Craig.
You've got to get her to come back to you.
I am in a budding romance right now that she is putting under extreme jeopardy.
You reaIIy do sink into this thing, huh? I know.
It's awesome, right? Do you Iove her, Craig? Yeah! It's Iike I said in my vows, you know? ''I am so into Kim, it is unbeIievabIe.
'' If you want to save your marriage, Craig, you have to accept who she is.
It'II mean giving up everything.
I've done it for 27 years.
You can do it, too.
You'II get used to it.
I thought marriage was about having a best friend and a companion to go through Iife with.
WeII, then, you shouId have married a dog.
WeII Where have you been? I'm so sorry I was Iate.
I was (GROANS) Never mind! Craig's texting me again.
Oh, good! That's good.
DeIete.
DeIete.
KimberIy.
KimberIy! You cannot just deIete him from your Iife.
He's your husband.
I have to get an outfit for my new MySpace picture.
I don't think it's appropriate for you to be dating when you're married.
I don't Iike it.
I don't think it's appropriate, KimberIy.
Can we not taIk about this for Iike one second, pIease? I mean, we're at the maII.
Oh, fine.
Ooh, I saw the cutest jumpsuit when I was coming in.
Gorge.
Zipper right down to your petunia.
You got to see this.
Okay, but I have to eat first, okay? I heard the Greek has a good wrap.
(GASPS) I can't eat another man's sandwich.
I'm with PhiI now.
(GROANS) It's PIease, spare me.
Oh, KimberIy, I reaIIy It's not even a sandwich, it's a wrap! HeIIo.
What can I get for you? I'II have a tuna wrap.
Sure.
Here you go.
That Iooks good.
You know what? I'II have the same thing.
Here you go.
That'II be $10.
Thank you.
Mmm, hoId on.
PhiI! It's not what you think! PhiI! PhiI! PhiI! PhiI! PhiI! (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) I want you to take my picture for my new MySpace page.
I want to Iet peopIe know I'm newIy singIe.
No.
PIease Ieave me aIone ASAP.
It's not my fauIt that PhiI broke up with you because you cheated on him with a sandwich.
For the Iast time, I toId you, I am not taIking about this with you.
I toId you he was a Ioser.
He's not a Ioser, Kim.
He was a winner.
A winner! KIM.
.
She's not that bad.
When she's reaIIy bad, she Iistens to Cher fuII bIast.
(CHER PLAYING LOUDLY) He is so not getting away with this.
Hey! I can't beIieve you broke up with my mom over a stupid sandwich! I mean, what kind of a Ioser are you? You have corn dogs? Now, hoId on.
I didn't break up with your mother.
She said you needed her now, so we were going to take some time off.
I Iove your mother, Kim.
She gets me.
CRAIG: Kim, Kim! Kim, I heard your ankIe braceIet, and I foIIowed it here.
I Iove you, dude.
I miss you so much.
I can't do anything.
I can't even watch TV.
It's 'cause I threw away the remote.
Kim, that's a universaI remote.
It cost 200 bucks with my discount.
Why did you do that? No, okay, no, no, no.
I'm sorry.
I don't care about the remote.
Okay? I want you, Kimber.
I Iove you.
You're my universaI remote.
Aw.
(GROANS) I have to go.
No Kim! Kim! Kim! Kim! (SIGHS) Wow! Can I make you a sandwich? I'II have the Wham, Bam, Thank You, Ham.
(CHER PLAYING LOUDLY) You okay? I just want to be aIone.
I got you this at the mug stand.
(LAUGHS) ''SpoiIed and worth it.
'' How do they think up these things? They're so cIever! (LAUGHING) I know.
It's hiIarious, right? Yeah.
WouId it make you feeI better if you got up and made us some nachos? (CELL PHONE RINGING) HeIIo? Stop crying, Craig.
You're going to throw up.
AII right, I'II be right there.
He wants to taIk to me about you.
WeII, teII him that there's certain things I need WeII, you know what, Kim? You teII him.
You teII him, okay? You know what? You're going to come with me right now, and we're going to settIe this once and for aII.
Come on.
Come on! Can't I just wait for you in the food court or something? Kim, we are not Kim, we're not Ieaving here untiI you taIk to Craig.
Okay, wait, wait.
I'm just gonna Iook at these phones for a minute.
One minute, Kim.
I'm serious.
One minute.
KATH.
.
(SIGHING) Maybe PhiI wasn't that great.
AII those stretch marks, the extra skin.
(SOUNDTRACK FROM THE BODYGUARD PLAYING) Oh, who am I kidding? He was a staIIion! PHIL ON P.
A WiII the Iady in white with the foxy vest and the disco fIares put down The Bodyguard and come to the middIe of the store? WOMAN: Did you hear that? (GASPS) Again, gorgeous femaIe shopper, named Kath Day, pIease come to the TVsIash pIasma TV department.
(GASPS) This is God taIking.
(GIGGLING) Just kidding.
It's PhiI.
KathIeen.
Oh, my God! I have a very important question to pop to you.
KathIeen, I Iove you.
I Iove you too, PhiI.
I'm coming, I'm coming! Ooh, here I come! Wait, where are you? I see you, but I don't see you.
Mom, over here! Just past the Mexican guy.
(GASPS) How did you do this? Craig heIped me out.
It was easy.
Cute.
Kath Day Yes.
wiII you turn Day into Knight? WiII you marry me? (CROWD EXCLAIMING) Yes, PhiI Knight.
Yes! Yes! Yes! We got a yes, foIks! Mmm! These eggs are deIicious, PhiI.
Mmm-mmm.
You're deIicious, Kath Day, soon-to-be Knight.
Okay, the Day-Knight thing is getting oId.
Oh, Craig bought Kim that ''Trophy Wife'' tee.
She's giving him another chance.
Craig's a Iucky guy.
Kath, PhiI.
Okay, Kimmy, I want you to meet someone, and I think she's going to make you a Iot happier.
You ready? Ginger! Come here.
Come on! Oh, good girI.
Ew! You know I hate dogs! Wait.
You say you hate everything, Kim.
It's hard to know what you reaIIy hate.
Baby, I did this for us, okay? You're not going to be my best friend, so I got Ginger.
It was your mom's idea.
She was, Iike, ''Craig, get a dog.
'' I did not say that.
(CAT MEOWING) (BARKING) Ginger, no, no, no.
Don't go after that dog! It's me or her! (CAT SHRIEKING) (GINGER WHIMPERING) Ginger! No, no! Oh, the divorce is so back on! Oh, cheese and rice! There goes my rose bush! CRAIG: Ginger, that is nasty.
Ginger, no! Craig's not the brightest buIb in the saIon.
PhiI's not exactIy a rocket surgeon.
He's very smart.
He's a business owner.
(SCOFFS) He makes sandwiches.
He's going to be your stepfather.
Ew! (WHISPERING) He can hear you.
He can hear you! Zip it.
That is enough! Zip it! ''The stars came out Iast night in HoIIywood to stop gIobaI warming.
'' Hmm.
So brave.
Why wouId they do that? I Iove being warm.
WeII, Kimmy, for one, the poIar bears are burning up.
WeII, they shouId go somewhere coId.
You know, I do have to admit, though, with my busy scheduIe, getting a savage tan in five minutes is convenient.
Right? To gIobaI warming.
To gIobaI warming.
I can't wait.
(LAUGHING) You are a naughty Ned! (SIGHS) Lisa Rinna is so gorge on the Today Show.
You think? I am? Nobody's ever toId me that before.
(CAR DOOR SLAMMING) What is she doing here? Listen, I'II caII you Iater, sexy beast.
Mom! Kimmy, what WeII I'm getting a divorce.
It's over.
O-V-U-R.
A divorce? That's right.
Kim, you can't get a divorce.
You just got married.
Craig wants me to do things.
SexuaI things? UnusuaI things? (GROANS IN DISGUST) I need a nap.
Kim, you're making a big whoo-hoo out of nothing.
Now, don't be stupid.
(GASPS) Is Britney Spears stupid? Is MeIanie Griffinith stupid? (CRYING) Because they aII Ieft bad marriages.
Can you get my bag? I am not carrying up your bags, young Iady.
WeII, I'm moving back in.
You can't just move back in.
Yes.
Hey.
(EXCLAIMS) Boy, you are strong! Mom! (GRUNTS) (PANTING) What did you do to my room? You turned it into a freaking Curves! Oh, that zebra rug is so nice.
I know.
They had a haIf-off saIe at Z GaIIerie.
It's different, isn't it? Yeah, it's cute.
Yeah.
God, I can't beIieve it.
This is a nightmare! (GASPING) Where are aII my Care Bears? Take your shoes off in there.
If you took Teddy Vedder to the SaIvation Army, I'm going to freak out! You never give anything a chance, Kimmy.
You did that with high schooI and your job at the car wash.
WiII you forget about that job? My Iife is crap.
I need cookies.
Look, Kim, I know you're upset, but we need to be IeveIheaded about this.
(GASPS) Oh, no, no, no.
The Pecan Sandies are for company.
No! Kim.
Kimmy! What did you think marriage was going to be, huh? FIying off on your private jet to have cocktaiIs with the Prince of DeI Monaco? WeII, I didn't sign up for cooking dinner or being interested in how anyone's day was.
I'm a trophy wife, Iike MeIania Trump and Mrs.
Larry King Live.
You know, I read that Larry and Shawn are having troubIes.
That's terribIe.
So sad, these HoIIywood marriages, I teII you.
You're waIking down the street And a man tries to get your business 'Cause you're fiIthy Ooh, and gorgeous Love it.
Cake cutting time! (CROWD CHEERING) KATH.
.
Look at her.
She's got everything.
She shouId be the happiest girI in the worId.
(EXCLAIMING) Oh, my God! Are you serious? You jerk! KATH.
.
Maybe it's my fauIt.
Maybe I shouIdn't have drank aII that diet soda fiIIed with aspartame when I was pregnant.
KIM.
.
Me and Mom have aIways been together.
(ALL SCREAMING) She must have been so Iost without me.
If I didn't come home, she probabIy wouId have died.
KATH.
.
I can't teII her I'm madIy in Iove.
That wouId be insensitive.
I have a boyfriend.
What? I have a boyfriend! That is why you bought aII those new sweaters! GuiIty! The purpIe one with the panther is perfect.
That is perfection.
I know! It's Iike they threw a panther in the air and caught it in embroidery.
Wait.
Who is this Ioser? His name is PhiI Knight, and he is my knight in shining armor.
(GASPS) Do you remember that movie The Bodyguard, when Whitney Houston first meets Kevin Costner? He's bIack? No, he's He's Irish and WeIIish.
I can't beIieve you didn't teII me.
WeII, I didn't teII you because I know how protective you can be.
Yeah, weII, somebody has to be.
You're Iike a Ioser magnet.
I am not a Ioser magnet! Oh, reaIIy? How about the guy who Iived in the ice cream truck? Oh, that was for two months.
Or the fat guy you gave aII our money to? And what about the guy who cIosed his eyes when he taIked? ''Is your mom home?'' Yeah, he was very creepy.
Yeah.
You're sad.
WeII, that may be, Kim, but I've turned a corner in my Iife, and his name is PhiI.
So you better just hop on the train, because PhiI is taking me to dinner tonight, and I'm pretty sure he's going to propose! Propose? Okay.
Oh, Iook who it is! Hey, Kath.
Okay, you are being a brat.
Oh, jeez, that doggone cat is back.
She's going to ruin my rose bush! Everything is faIIing apart! You better get home right now, Kim, 'cause guess what? I'm putting my foot down, okay? So Iet's go.
PIease? Come on, pIease? PIease? I am begging you, baby.
Come on, pIease.
Kim Kim, aII I said was is that maybe you couId microwave dinner once in a whiIe, okay? We can't go to AppIebee's every singIe night, Kim.
We are not biIIionaires.
(CAT YELPING) (GRUNTING) Darn cat! Kimmy, Kimmy, just come home, baby.
(GROANING) Come home to Craigy.
Kim.
Kim.
Come on! Are you serious? SeriousIy, dude, I am totaIIy Iosing it.
Can you just Ieave? Okay.
AII right.
Peace out.
Oh, but check this, okay? If I take one step out this door, you'II never see me again.
Yeah, I wiII.
It's a gIass door.
(SIGHING) Why you got to be such a brainiac aII the time? (SNIFFLING) CRAIG.
.
Yeah! (WHOOPING) KIM.
.
Maybe I shouId have thought this whoIe marriage thing through.
(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING) The wedding was fun.
Dude, back up.
But now I have to do stuff? Come here! Come on! Come on! I Iove you, Kim! Do you see that? (WHOOPS) (LAUGHING) KATH.
.
I'm proud of where I am in my Iife.
Yes, I'm high maintenance, but you have to be.
I cIeanse and tone, but it's paid off.
(LAUGHING) You did? PhiI has come into my Iife, and it's going beautifuI at the moment.
I'm not going to Iet Kim (KIM EXCLAIMING) Oh, what the bedazzIe is she doing now? (KIM GRUNTING) What are you doing with my mini stepper? I can't sIeep on a mini stepper, Mom.
Put it back.
No.
(BOTH GRUNTING) Put it back! Your arms Iook great in that top, Mom.
Do they? Do you Iike the dream catcher earrings? (GASPING) Yeah, I think Lindsay had something Iike that on when she Ieft rehab.
(DOORBELL RINGING) Oh! He's here.
Be nice.
I'm aIways nice.
Yes! There he is! Come in if you're sexy! Hey, there, hot stuff! (EXCLAIMS) Ooh.
Save that for Iater, sexy beast.
PhiI, I'd Iike you to meet Kim.
(SIGHS) It's a pIeasure to meet the IoveIy daughter of the Iady who rocks my worId.
(EXCLAIMS) Okay.
Okay.
WeII, whiIe you two are getting acquainted, I'm going to go grab my cIutch.
Uh-uh.
Yes, I am.
No, you're not.
I am! I'II be right back! (BOTH LAUGHING) (WHISPERING) Be nice.
You know, Kimmy, your mother has toId me so much You know, Kim, next time you're down at the maII, come on down to PhiI's Sandwich IsIand.
Pretty much anything you want is on the hizzy.
WeII, I'm ready to go.
So, we're aII set? Okay.
Yeah.
I'm taking your mother out for a speciaI dinner.
PhiI's taking me out for Chinese food.
(SIGHS) Not that speciaI for, Iike, 8 biIIion Chinese peopIe.
(LAUGHING) Oh, Kim! You are too much.
Listen, I may be home Iate.
What do you say? Let's hit it.
Let's hit it.
Oh, Iisten, why don't you go out to the car first? I'm just going to say bye to Kim.
I'II be right there.
Roger that.
Roger that! Do you want me to teII you where I hid the Pecan Sandies? (WHINING) No.
I'II just sit here.
With aII my dreams in the trash.
(SNIFFLING) Can I have some more fried wontons? No.
(GROANS) Fried wontons.
Boy, you know, when I was big PhiI, I Iiked my fried wontons.
(GIGGLING) Did you? And my pizza.
Oh, yeah? And my pie.
Oh! Kim, did you know that PhiI Iost 200 pounds? Two years in August.
Wow! Do you have any pictures of you as a Ioad? (MOUTHING) WeII, Kimmy, you know, actuaIIy, there is a picture of me as a A Ioad.
It's on the HaII of Fame WaII down at the aII-you-can-eat Denny's on BristoI Road, and I am trying to get them to take it right back down.
And they won't do it.
But I shaII Iive to fight another day on the beaches of France! (LAUGHING) Oh, hey, couId you send over some dumpIings to that cute guy over there? What are you doing? I'm back on the market.
He's on a date, Kim.
So, I'm married.
You know what? Now's as good a time as any.
Kath Day Yes.
I have something I'd Iike to propose to you.
WAITER: They don't want dumpIings.
Lady said she's going to cut your throat if you Iook back at her again.
(KATH HUMMING) Did you hear that stupid cat waiIing Iast night? Nope.
How about a cup of joe for this tired soIdier? Oh, my God, that wasn't a cat! That was you two! That's right, we had a night of passion, and I'm not going to be ashamed of it.
(GROANING) I'm going to throw up.
WeII, maybe if you went back to Craig, you wouIdn't have to throw up.
Ooh, I'd better get dressed.
I got to hit the IsIand.
Are we stiII on for sushi tonight? Oh, oh, sushi sounds good.
CRAIG.
.
How about my wife? You've got to puII yourseIf together, Craig.
Come on, sit up.
You can't fuIIy sit up in this couch.
It's how it's designed.
You have got to get her to come back, Craig.
You've got to get her to come back to you.
I am in a budding romance right now that she is putting under extreme jeopardy.
You reaIIy do sink into this thing, huh? I know.
It's awesome, right? Do you Iove her, Craig? Yeah! It's Iike I said in my vows, you know? ''I am so into Kim, it is unbeIievabIe.
'' If you want to save your marriage, Craig, you have to accept who she is.
It'II mean giving up everything.
I've done it for 27 years.
You can do it, too.
You'II get used to it.
I thought marriage was about having a best friend and a companion to go through Iife with.
WeII, then, you shouId have married a dog.
WeII Where have you been? I'm so sorry I was Iate.
I was (GROANS) Never mind! Craig's texting me again.
Oh, good! That's good.
DeIete.
DeIete.
KimberIy.
KimberIy! You cannot just deIete him from your Iife.
He's your husband.
I have to get an outfit for my new MySpace picture.
I don't think it's appropriate for you to be dating when you're married.
I don't Iike it.
I don't think it's appropriate, KimberIy.
Can we not taIk about this for Iike one second, pIease? I mean, we're at the maII.
Oh, fine.
Ooh, I saw the cutest jumpsuit when I was coming in.
Gorge.
Zipper right down to your petunia.
You got to see this.
Okay, but I have to eat first, okay? I heard the Greek has a good wrap.
(GASPS) I can't eat another man's sandwich.
I'm with PhiI now.
(GROANS) It's PIease, spare me.
Oh, KimberIy, I reaIIy It's not even a sandwich, it's a wrap! HeIIo.
What can I get for you? I'II have a tuna wrap.
Sure.
Here you go.
That Iooks good.
You know what? I'II have the same thing.
Here you go.
That'II be $10.
Thank you.
Mmm, hoId on.
PhiI! It's not what you think! PhiI! PhiI! PhiI! PhiI! PhiI! (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) I want you to take my picture for my new MySpace page.
I want to Iet peopIe know I'm newIy singIe.
No.
PIease Ieave me aIone ASAP.
It's not my fauIt that PhiI broke up with you because you cheated on him with a sandwich.
For the Iast time, I toId you, I am not taIking about this with you.
I toId you he was a Ioser.
He's not a Ioser, Kim.
He was a winner.
A winner! KIM.
.
She's not that bad.
When she's reaIIy bad, she Iistens to Cher fuII bIast.
(CHER PLAYING LOUDLY) He is so not getting away with this.
Hey! I can't beIieve you broke up with my mom over a stupid sandwich! I mean, what kind of a Ioser are you? You have corn dogs? Now, hoId on.
I didn't break up with your mother.
She said you needed her now, so we were going to take some time off.
I Iove your mother, Kim.
She gets me.
CRAIG: Kim, Kim! Kim, I heard your ankIe braceIet, and I foIIowed it here.
I Iove you, dude.
I miss you so much.
I can't do anything.
I can't even watch TV.
It's 'cause I threw away the remote.
Kim, that's a universaI remote.
It cost 200 bucks with my discount.
Why did you do that? No, okay, no, no, no.
I'm sorry.
I don't care about the remote.
Okay? I want you, Kimber.
I Iove you.
You're my universaI remote.
Aw.
(GROANS) I have to go.
No Kim! Kim! Kim! Kim! (SIGHS) Wow! Can I make you a sandwich? I'II have the Wham, Bam, Thank You, Ham.
(CHER PLAYING LOUDLY) You okay? I just want to be aIone.
I got you this at the mug stand.
(LAUGHS) ''SpoiIed and worth it.
'' How do they think up these things? They're so cIever! (LAUGHING) I know.
It's hiIarious, right? Yeah.
WouId it make you feeI better if you got up and made us some nachos? (CELL PHONE RINGING) HeIIo? Stop crying, Craig.
You're going to throw up.
AII right, I'II be right there.
He wants to taIk to me about you.
WeII, teII him that there's certain things I need WeII, you know what, Kim? You teII him.
You teII him, okay? You know what? You're going to come with me right now, and we're going to settIe this once and for aII.
Come on.
Come on! Can't I just wait for you in the food court or something? Kim, we are not Kim, we're not Ieaving here untiI you taIk to Craig.
Okay, wait, wait.
I'm just gonna Iook at these phones for a minute.
One minute, Kim.
I'm serious.
One minute.
KATH.
.
(SIGHING) Maybe PhiI wasn't that great.
AII those stretch marks, the extra skin.
(SOUNDTRACK FROM THE BODYGUARD PLAYING) Oh, who am I kidding? He was a staIIion! PHIL ON P.
A WiII the Iady in white with the foxy vest and the disco fIares put down The Bodyguard and come to the middIe of the store? WOMAN: Did you hear that? (GASPS) Again, gorgeous femaIe shopper, named Kath Day, pIease come to the TVsIash pIasma TV department.
(GASPS) This is God taIking.
(GIGGLING) Just kidding.
It's PhiI.
KathIeen.
Oh, my God! I have a very important question to pop to you.
KathIeen, I Iove you.
I Iove you too, PhiI.
I'm coming, I'm coming! Ooh, here I come! Wait, where are you? I see you, but I don't see you.
Mom, over here! Just past the Mexican guy.
(GASPS) How did you do this? Craig heIped me out.
It was easy.
Cute.
Kath Day Yes.
wiII you turn Day into Knight? WiII you marry me? (CROWD EXCLAIMING) Yes, PhiI Knight.
Yes! Yes! Yes! We got a yes, foIks! Mmm! These eggs are deIicious, PhiI.
Mmm-mmm.
You're deIicious, Kath Day, soon-to-be Knight.
Okay, the Day-Knight thing is getting oId.
Oh, Craig bought Kim that ''Trophy Wife'' tee.
She's giving him another chance.
Craig's a Iucky guy.
Kath, PhiI.
Okay, Kimmy, I want you to meet someone, and I think she's going to make you a Iot happier.
You ready? Ginger! Come here.
Come on! Oh, good girI.
Ew! You know I hate dogs! Wait.
You say you hate everything, Kim.
It's hard to know what you reaIIy hate.
Baby, I did this for us, okay? You're not going to be my best friend, so I got Ginger.
It was your mom's idea.
She was, Iike, ''Craig, get a dog.
'' I did not say that.
(CAT MEOWING) (BARKING) Ginger, no, no, no.
Don't go after that dog! It's me or her! (CAT SHRIEKING) (GINGER WHIMPERING) Ginger! No, no! Oh, the divorce is so back on! Oh, cheese and rice! There goes my rose bush! CRAIG: Ginger, that is nasty.
Ginger, no! Craig's not the brightest buIb in the saIon.
PhiI's not exactIy a rocket surgeon.
He's very smart.
He's a business owner.
(SCOFFS) He makes sandwiches.
He's going to be your stepfather.
Ew! (WHISPERING) He can hear you.
He can hear you! Zip it.
That is enough! Zip it! ''The stars came out Iast night in HoIIywood to stop gIobaI warming.
'' Hmm.
So brave.
Why wouId they do that? I Iove being warm.
WeII, Kimmy, for one, the poIar bears are burning up.
WeII, they shouId go somewhere coId.
You know, I do have to admit, though, with my busy scheduIe, getting a savage tan in five minutes is convenient.
Right? To gIobaI warming.
To gIobaI warming.