Keeping Up Appearances s01e01 Episode Script

( theme music playing ) ( dog barking ) ( siren blaring ) WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TELL OUR HYACINTH.
OH, GOD.
NOT TONIGHT.
TOMORROW MORNING.
I COULDN'T FACE HYACINTH.
NOT TONIGHT.
NOW, LADIES.
- YOU'RE NEW.
- ONLY AROUND HERE, LADY.
- HAVE YOU NOTHING FOR THIS ADDRESS? - SORRY.
I'D BE GREATLY OBLIGED IF YOU'D MAKE QUITE SURE.
THERE'S USUALLY SOMETHING FOR A MRS.
RICHARD BOUQUET.
- HOW DO YOU SPELL "BOUQUET"? - B-U-C-K-E-T.
WHAT? B-U-C-K-E-T.
OH, BUCKET.
IT'S "BOUQUET.
" I'M SORRY LADY.
THERE'S NOTHING HERE FOR "BOUQUET.
" NOTHING? FOR THIS ADDRESS? YET YOU HAVE SOMETHING FOR NEXT DOOR? I FIND THAT VERY STRANGE.
I CAN'T HELP THAT, LADY.
BUT PEOPLE WILL TELL YOU, IT'S COMMON KNOWLEDGE I RECEIVE MORE MAIL THAN THESE NEXT DOOR.
THERE MUST BE A CARD FROM MY SISTER IN TENERIFE.
SHE'S BACK HOME, BUT WE'RE STILL WAITING FOR THE CARD.
ANYTHING WRONG, HYACINTH? HE'S MISLAID MY LETTERS AT THE SORTING OFFICE.
THIS WOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED WITH MY FORMER POSTMAN.
YOU WILL REMEMBER, ELIZABETH, THAT YOU'RE INVITED THIS EVENING TO MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPER? IT'S ENGRAVED ON MY MIND, HYACINTH.
TELEPHONE, DEAR.
YOU'RE WANTED ON THE PHONE.
I THINK IT'S URGENT.
I'M NOT OFFERING AN OPINION.
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID, URGENT.
PLEASE DON'T SHOU IN THAT EXCITABLE MANNER OUTDOORS, RICHARD.
I DON'T LIKE YOU GETTING EXCITED OUTDOORS.
( dog barks ) MORNING, MAJOR.
BY GOD, WOMAN.
YOU COULD DRIVE A MAN MAD LOOKING SO ATTRACTIVE SO EARLY IN THE DAY.
OH, MAJOR.
YOU'LL NOT FORGE MY LITTLE CANDLELIGH SUPPER THIS EVENING? 19:30 HOURS.
I'LL BE THERE, YOU MINX.
YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL BREEDING.
THE PHONE, HYACINTH.
IT THINK IT'S URGENT.
IT'S ABOUT YOUR FATHER.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO EMULSION THIS CEILING.
WE'VE JUST DONE IT.
IT'S NOT A FIT CEILING TO BRING A MAJOR UNDER.
IT'S YOUR SISTER, DAISY.
SHE'S NOT COMING, IS SHE? NOT IN THAT AWFUL COAT.
AND HE'S NOT BRINGING HER.
NOT IN THAT RUST BUCKE OF A CAR.
- I WILL NOT HAVE THEM-- - I THINK IT'S URGENT.
IT'S SO THOUGHTLESS TO LOOK AS POOR AS THEY DO.
DAISY, HOW ARE YOU, DEAR? DADDY ILL? HOW ILL? IS IT OF A SEVERITY NECESSARY TO CANCEL MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPER? WHAT WAS HE DOING AT HIS AGE ON A BICYCLE? OH MY GOD.
HOW MUCH TO DRINK? YES, HYACINTH.
WHAT DID SHE SAY? SHE SAYS NOT TO GO OVER TO HER PLACE.
SHE'S COMING HERE.
THAT'S ALL WE NEED, A ROYAL VISIT.
I WAS HOPING SHE'D GO STRAIGHT TO THE HOSPITAL.
THEY WON'T LET ANYBODY IN UNTIL VISITING TIME.
DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHEN I WAS IN HAVING THAT BREAKDOWN ON ACCOUNT OF MR.
CRABTREE? WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO MR.
CRABTREE? I SWORE I'D NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN.
AND FOR A WHILE I CUT IT BACK RUTHLESSLY TO EVERY OTHER TUESDAY.
DOES BORIS KNOW ABOU YOU STILL SEEING MR.
CRABTREE? OF COURSE HE DOESN'T.
DO YOU THINK I'M STUPID? I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU KEEP THE PACE UP, ROSE.
IT'S NOT EASY.
IF YOU RELAX FOR A MINUTE THEY'RE GOING BACK TO THEIR WIVES.
I ENVY YOU, DAISY.
ME? IT MUST BE WONDERFUL BEING MARRIED TO A BUM LIKE YOUR ONSLOW.
SO YOU CAN LE YOURSELF GO COMPLETELY.
I WOULDN'T SAY COMPLETELY.
NEAR ENOUGH, COMPLETELY.
GET A SHIRT ON, ONSLOW.
HYACINTH'S COMING.
HOW NICE.
SHE'S GOING TO WAN TO KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.
YOU'LL HAVE TO TELL HER.
I DON'T SEE WHY I SHOULD HAVE TO TELL HER.
YOU'LL HAVE TO TELL HER BECAUSE I'LL BE TOO BUSY TIDYING UP.
I HATE TIDYING UP.
I'M UNDER THE DOCTOR FOR BEING DIZZY.
I'M SURE IT'S TIDYING UP.
IF YOU ONLY GOT DIZZY WHEN YOU TIDIED UP YOU SHOULD HAVE THE CLEAREST HEAD IN THE AREA.
YOU'RE GOING TO PARK IN THE TURNING AREA? THERE'S NO ROOM IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE, IT BLOCKS THE ROAD.
HOWEVER, I'M GAME IF YOU ARE, IF YOU WAN TO BLOCK THE ROAD.
IT'S JUST THAT I WISH YOU WOULD CONSULT ME.
I DON'T LIKE YOU MAKING DECISIONS UNILATERALLY.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO LOCK THE CAR? I THINK SO.
DON'T YOU? WE'RE PRACTICALLY IN BEIRUT.
ONSLOW.
( whistling ) DICKY.
HYACINTH.
WHY DO YOU LET HIM CALL YOU "DICKY"? HOW CAN I HELP I IF HE CALLS ME "DICKY"? ( Onslow whistling ) QUEEN MOTHER'S OUTSIDE.
GIVE US A HAND, ROSE.
I'M EXPECTING A CALL.
I GAVE BORIS THIS NUMBER.
THE SWINE PROMISED HE'D RING.
LEAVE-- LEAVE IT.
( car squeaks ) - RICHARD! - NOW WHAT? YOU SHOULDN'T BE STRETCHING YOUR LEGS LIKE THAT AT YOUR AGE.
IT'S NOT FITTING IN BROAD DAYLIGHT, IN FRON OF PRYING EYES.
( gunfire, yelling on TV ) ( can opens ) Daisy: HERE WE ARE THEN.
THANKS, DAISY.
DRINK UP.
TELL ME WHAT'S HAPPENED.
DAD'S NOT BEEN-- WELL LATELY.
WHY WASN'T I INFORMED? IT'S NOT BEEN THE KIND OF "NOT WELL" YOU'D WANT TO BE INFORMED ABOUT.
WHAT KIND HAS IT BEEN? IT'S A BIT EMBARRASSING.
EMBARRASSING? DADDY? - HE'S A DIRTY OLD MAN.
- SHUT UP, ONSLOW.
RICHARD, GO AND KEEP AN EYE ON THE CAR.
I THINK I'LL GO AND KEEP AN EYE ON THE CAR.
WHAT DOES ONSLOW MEAN? HE MEANS DAD'S TAKEN TO GOING OU AT NIGHT ON HIS OWN LATELY.
IN THE NAUGHTY.
( laughs) ( cup clangs ) BUT-- BUT, BUT-- WHY WOULD FATHER BE IN THE NUDE? HE'S IN LOVE WITH THE MILKWOMAN.
DON'T BE SO RIDICULOUS.
YOU'D HAVE THOUGHT SO IF YOU'D SEEN HIM PEDDLING AFTER HER STARK NAKED ON HIS BIKE.
HE CHASED HER FOR A MILE, DOWN BY THE CANAL.
BUT THE MILKWOMAN DOESN'T GO ANYWHERE NEAR THE CANAL, DOES SHE? SHE DID LAST NIGHT.
HE CAUGHT HER ON HER WAY TO BINGO.
WELL YOU KNOW HOW FOND HE IS OF DAIRY PRODUCTS.
I EXPECT HE WANTED TO ORDER EXTRA CREAM.
WHY WOULD YOUR FATHER HAVE BEEN NAKED? I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
AND KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN.
IT'S BAD ENOUGH WITH HIS CLOTHES ON.
DADDY WOULD NEVER BE NAKED.
WHY WOULD DADDY BE NAKED WHEN HE'S GOT HIS NAME DOWN FOR A NICE OLD PERSON'S BUNGALOW? THIS WAY, MRS.
BUCKET.
IT'S "BOUQUET.
" HOW ARE YOU FEELING MR.
OXLEY? ( chuckles ) BETTER THAN HIM.
DADDY.
I'M AFRAID HE WON'T BE AWARE OF VERY MUCH, MRS.
BUCKET-- "BOUQUET.
" HE'S QUITE COMFORTABLE BUT HEAVILY SEDATED.
OH, DADDY.
SHOULD HE BE IN A WARD WITH A PERSON WHO WEARS HIS HAT IN BED? I'LL LEAVE YOU WITH YOUR FATHER.
DOCTOR WHAT CONDITION WAS MY FATHER IN WHEN HE WAS ADMITTED? DRUNK AS A SKUNK.
I EXPECT HE WAS FLUSHED FROM EXCESSIVE CYCLING.
CAN YOU DESCRIBE WHAT HE WAS WEARING, DOCTOR? VERY QUICKLY.
VERY LITTLE, REALLY.
TO BE HONEST NOTHING AT ALL.
THERE MUST BE SOME MISTAKE.
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
IT WAS QUITE A CHILLY EVENING.
HE'D BEEN IN THE CANAL.
HE WAS THAT PLASTERED, HE WOBBLED OFF INTO THE CANAL.
THAT EXPLAINS IT.
MY FATHER WAS CYCLING ALONG THE CANAL WHEN HE SAW SOMEONE IN DISTRESS, SO HE REMOVED HIS OUTER GARMENTS AND DIVED IN TO SAVE THEM.
OH, BRAVE DADDY.
VERY COMMENDABLE.
HE MUST'VE REMOVED MORE THAN HIS OUTER GARMENTS, MRS.
BUCKET.
"BOUQUET.
" WHEN HE WAS PULLED OU HE WAS ABSOLUTELY NAKED.
POLLUTION.
WHAT HE'D BEEN WEARING WAS OBVIOUSLY DISSOLVED BY THE POLLUTION.
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I MUST ATTEND TO MY OTHER PATIENTS.
WHY IS HE SEDATED AFTER SUCH A PLUCKY ACT? HE WAS HIGHLY EXCITED, AND THEN OF COURSE THERE WAS THE INJURY.
FROM THE MILK BOTTLE? POOR LAMB.
WHERE IS THE INJURY? YOU MAY TELL ME THE WORST.
- UH, MRS.
-- - I DEMAND TO BE SHOWN THE EXTEN OF HIS INJURIES.
VERY WELL.
WHERE IS THE INJURY? NEVER YOU MIND.
HOW ARE THINGS? I'M TOO DISTRESSED AT THE MOMENT, ELIZABETH.
MY FATHER IS RECOVERING FROM INJURIES SUSTAINED IN THE COURSE OF A VERY PLUCKY ACTION WHICH HE MODESTLY FORBIDS ME TO DISCUSS.
OH, WELL, IS THERE ANYTHING I-- JUST GIVE ME TIME TO RECOVER MY COMPOSURE, AND THEN COME AND TAKE TEA WITH ME AT 3:25.
3:25? NOT 27? ( doorbell rings ) OH, IT'S YOU, ELIZABETH! A TINY BIT EARLY, PERHAPS, BUT DO COME IN.
I THOUGHT IT WAS 3:25.
- NOT QUITE, DEAR.
- MY WATCH SAYS 3:25.
OH, THAT WATCH, YES.
I EXPECT IT WOULD.
SHALL WE GO THROUGH TO THE KITCHEN? I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU WON' LET ME THROUGH YOUR BACK DOOR.
I THINK IT'S SO COMMON, DON'T YOU, USING BACK DOORS? NO, THE PROPER WAY FOR MY GUESTS, I ALWAYS FEEL, IS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.
AND THEN STRAIGH INTO THE KITCHEN? WELL, YES.
UNLESS, OF COURSE, IT'S SOMEONE SPECIAL.
NOW I KNOW YOU'RE SAYING TO YOURSELF, "HOW IS SHE BEING SO BRAVE?" WELL, YES, I AM BRAVE.
MY FATHER WOULD WISH IT.
I ADMIT I MISS MY SHERIDAN AT TIMES LIKE THESE.
HE'S SUCH A COMFORT TO HIS MOTHER AS WELL AS BEING TERRIBLY GIFTED.
DO SIT DOWN, ELIZABETH.
MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.
OH, NOT THERE, DEAR.
I LIKE TO FACE THE WINDOW.
LEMON? W-- MY WORD, DOESN'T SOMEONE LOOK SMARTER THAN SHE DID EARLIER? SOMETHING NEW, DEAR? NO, NO, I'VE HAD IT AGES.
OH, YES.
I CAN SEE YOU HAVE NOW.
I THOUGHT WE'D HAVE THE NICER CHINA.
OH, THANK YOU, HYACINTH.
THEY'RE SOMETHING OF A FAMILY HEIRLOOM.
OH, GOD, DON'T GIVE ME ANYTHING SPECIAL.
YOU WILL BE CAREFUL, WON'T YOU, DEAR? BISCUIT? ( cup rattles ) THANK YOU, HYACINTH.
I USED TO HAVE SIX OF THESE UNTIL ONE FELL INTO THE HANDS OF MY BROTHER-IN-LAW ONSLOW ONE CHRISTMAS.
I COULD'VE KILLED HIM.
OF COURSE, ONE CAN'T MAKE A FUSS ON FESTIVE OCCASIONS, BUT HE CERTAINLY GO THE SHORT END OF THE TURKEY, I CAN TELL YOU.
DID THEY TELL YOU WHA WAS WRONG WITH YOUR FATHER? SOMETHING MILDLY EMBARRASSING.
ONE OF THOSE MINOR GERIATRIC COMPLAINTS.
I COULDN'T CATCH THE MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY.
OH.
- AAAH! NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE A NUMBER 24, NOR A DOUBLE PORTION OF 37.
THIS ISN' THE CHINESE TAKE-AWAY.
THIS IS A PRIVATE SLIMLINE WHITE TELEPHONE WITH NO CONNECTION WHATSOEVER TO ANY BUSINESS OR TRADE-- ESPECIALLY NOT ONE OF FOREIGN EXTRACTION.
OH, HYACINTH, I'M SO SORRY.
NOW DO STOP WORRYING, DEAR.
WE'RE NOT GOING TO FALL OU OVER A CUP AND SAUCER, EVEN A VERY OLD, IRREPLACABLE CUP AND SAUCER.
OH, IT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME.
BELIEVE ME, I DO UNDERSTAND.
IT CAN'T BE EASY TO BE DAINTY WHEN YOU'RE ALL THUMBS.
THERE, I THINK THAT WILL DO UNTIL I CAN AFFORD A LITTLE MORE TIME.
- OH, DEAR.
- WE'RE NOT GOING TO WORRY ANYMORE ABOUT A BI OF EXPENSIVE CARPE AND A CUP THAT'S BEEN AROUND FOR AGES.
WHICH REMINDS ME, DID YOU SOIL YOUR DRESS, DEAR? OH, NO! NO, NO.
NO, SURPRISING IT DIDN'T.
I'M FINE.
THAT'S AMAZING.
- WOULD YOU LIKE ANOTHER CUP OF EARL GREY? - NO! THANK YOU.
- IN A BEAKER, PERHAPS? - NO, NOTHING.
THANK YOU, NO.
WELL, IT'S ALL OVER NOW.
ALL OVER EVERYWHERE.
DO SIT DOWN AGAIN, ELIZABETH.
HAVE YOU HEARD FROM GAIL RECENTLY? YES, SHE RANG AT THE WEEKEND.
THAT'S NICE.
I THINK A DAUGHTER ALWAYS SHOULD.
GAIL'S VERY GOOD THAT WAY.
SO'S MY SHERIDAN.
I TREMBLE TO THINK SOMETIMES WHAT HE SPENDS ON PHONE CALLS TO HIS MOTHER.
NOT THAT HE CAN' AFFORD IT, OF COURSE.
THEY GAVE HIM A VERY GOOD GRANT AT THE POLY, YOU KNOW, TO STOP HIM BEING TEMPTED BY OXFORD OR CAMBRIDGE.
GAIL'S STUDYING HARD.
WELL, IT'S A STRUGGLE, ISN'T IT, WHEN THEY'RE NO ACADEMICALLY GIFTED? OUR GAIL IS ACADEMICALLY GIFTED.
IS SHE? OH, WONDER WHO I CAN BE CONFUSING HER WITH? PERHAPS IT'S THAT BOY SHE'S LIVING SO OPENLY AND UNASHAMEDLY UNMARRIED WITH.
I HARDLY THINK SO.
HAROLD IS A VERY NICE BOY WITH A FIRST-CLASS BRAIN.
- IS HE? - YES, HE IS, HYACINTH, I CAN ASSURE YOU.
YOU'D NEVER KNOW TO LOOK AT HIM, WOULD YOU? ( phone ringing ) I HOPE THAT'S NOT DADDY GOING SEPTIC.
THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING.
OH, IT'S YOU, VIOLET.
IT'S MY SISTER, VIOLET.
THE ONE WHO MARRIED THE TURF-ACCOUNTANT.
HE BUILT THAT BIG HOUSE WITH ROOM FOR A SAUNA AND A PONY.
YOU'VE HEARD ME SPEAK ABOUT VIOLET.
FREQUENTLY.
SLOW DOWN, VIOLET, DEAR.
YOU SOUND VERY EXCITED.
I KNOW IT'S BEEN A SHOCK ABOUT DADDY.
WHAT ARE YOU EXCITED ABOUT? VIOLET, THAT'S NOT A WORD I EVER EXPECTED TO HEAR YOU USE ON A TELEPHONE.
BRUCE? WHAT ABOUT BRUCE? I DON-- OH, D-- WELL, I'VE NEVER LIKED HIM WHOLEHEARTEDLY ON ACCOUNT OF THOSE ICE CUBES HE SERVES IN THE SHAPE OF NAKED LADIES.
WHY SHOULDN'T HE BUY A WHIP? I EXPECT HE GOT I FROM A JOCKEY.
WHAT DOES HE USE IT FOR? VIOLET, WOULD YOU RING BACK, DEAR? NO, NO.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
I'LL STAY ON THE PHONE.
- HOLD ON.
THERE'S A PERSON AT THE FRONT DOOR.
ELIZABETH, WOULD YOU SEE TO THAT FOR ME, DEAR? KINDLY INFORM WHOEVER IT IS THAT I AM AT HOME AND THAT I WILL RECEIVE THEM MOMENTARILY.
NO, DEAR, IT'S ELIZABETH FROM NEXT DOOR.
THAT'S RIGHT, THE ONE WHO'S ALL THUMBS.
YOU MET HER ONCE AT ONE OF MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU COULDN'T SEE ANYBODY? OH, YES, SHE'S FINE.
SHE'S JUST BROKEN ONE OF GRANDMOTHER'S CUPS.
IT'S A SECURITY LATCH.
THERE'S A LITTLE BUTTON.
RICHARD HAD IT INSTALLED TO PROTECT ME FROM ANYONE DESPERATE.
THEY WOULD HAVE TO BE.
AH, ELECTRIC.
- HAVE YOU BEEN NEXT DOOR? - YES, THERE'S NOBODY IN.
I KNOW, I'M HERE.
- I'VE LEFT YOU A CARD.
- OH.
IT'S THE ELECTRIC MAN TO READ YOUR METER.
IS IT THE ONE WITH THE FUNNY MUSTACHE? TELL HER YES.
HE SAYS YES.
MAKE HIM WAIT THERE TILL I'VE LOOKED AT HIS FEET.
VIOLET, I HAVE TO GO, DEAR.
I'VE GOT THE ELECTRIC.
OH MY GOODNESS.
I'M SO SORRY.
I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT MY SISTER.
SHE SEEMS TO HAVE HAD A RATHER ACTIVE HOLIDAY.
OH, THE SHOES.
YOU REMEMBERED OUR PROCEDURE FROM LAST TIME.
VERY WELL.
LEAVE THEM OUTSIDE AND DO COME IN.
THANK YOU, DEAR.
YOU'RE A GREAT IMPROVEMEN ON THE ONE I HAD BEFORE.
HE USED TO BRUSH AGAINST MY WALLS.
OF COURSE I RANG HIS SUPERIORS.
I SAID I WILL NOT HAVE ELECTRIC MEN BRUSHING AGAINST MY WALLS.
ELIZABETH, CLOSE THE DOOR, DEAR.
THE HEAT'S ON.
- AH! - OH! FINGERS.
CORRECT.
IS YOUR ELECTRIC AS CLEAN AS IT WAS, DO YOU THINK? MY HOPS?? ARE SOMETIMES VERY DIFFICULT TO CLEAN.
CLEANEST FUEL THERE IS.
IT GOES TO SOME VERY FUNNY FAMILIES.
WOULD YOU HAVE MINE CHECKED TO MAKE QUITE SURE I GET IT FIRST? LEAVE IT WITH ME, LADY.
BECAUSE I WON'T HAVE I IF IT'S ALREADY BEEN TO SOME OF THOSE OTHER PLACES.
RIGHT-O, MADAM.
MUCH OBLIGED.
IT'S ONLY ME.
SHOULDN'T THAT BE, "IT'S ONLY I," DEAR? ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE SHOUTING IT WHERE THE NEIGHBORS CAN HEAR.
I'M NOT SURE.
NEITHER AM I, SO YOU MUST BE CAREFUL.
HOW'S YOUR FATHER? I RANG, THE WARD SISTER ANSWERED.
SHE SAYS HE'S SITTING UP AND BEGINNING TO TAKE AN INTEREST - THAT'S GOOD.
- IN THE PHYSIOTHERAPIST.
HE THINKS HE'S IN LOVE WITH THE PHYSIOTHERAPIST.
IT'S PROBABLY JUST THE DRUGS.
AND THAT SWINE BRUCE WANTS MY SISTER TO WEAR SOME AWFUL LEATHER OUTFIT.
OH, IS HE GOING TO TAKE HER MOTORCYCLING? NO, IT'S NOT MOTORCYCLING.
IT'S SOMETHING HE PICKED UP IN SPAIN.
WHAT, BULLFIGHTING? NO, I DON'T THINK IT'S THAT EITHER.
ANYWAY, DEAR, ENOUGH OF MY PROBLEMS.
- DID YOU MANAGE TO GET THE PARSLEY? - YES, IN THE KITCHEN.
- YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHO I BUMPED INTO.
- GOOD.
WOULD YOU POLISH THOSE GLASSES FOR ME, DEAR, AND THEN GIVE ME A HAND WITH BUFFING UP THE CRUET? ( phone ringing ) SHERIDAN.
HOW SENSITIVE OF YOU TO CALL, DEAR.
WHAT A CLOSE PSYCHIC LINK WE HAVE, YOU AND I.
WHAT DOES HE WANT? WANTSANYTHING.
HE'S JUST RINGING HIS MOTHER.
YOU NEED HOW MUCH, SHERIDAN? FOR WHAT? YOU'VE JOINED AN ORGANIZATION.
THAT'S NICE, DEAR, MAKING FRIENDS.
WHAT KIND OF AN ORGANIZATION? IS IT LIKE A CLUB, A GOLF CLUB? NOT A GOLF CLUB.
I SEE.
JUST A GROUP OF FRIENDS.
YOU CALL YOURSELVES WHAT, DEAR? "THE SWORD OF THE PEOPLE"? DO BE CAREFUL, SHERIDAN.
MAKE SURE THEY'RE NO TOO SHARP.
ALWAYS WEAR A MASK.
YOU DO WEAR MASKS? OH, THAT'S VERY SENSIBLE.
YOU'LL PAY DADDY BACK WHEN? WHEN YOU'VE ROBBED YOUR FIRST BANK? SHERIDAN! LOOK, DEAR, COULDN'T YOU FIND SOME NICE PHILATELIC SOCIETY TO JOIN? NO, WE WILL NO SEND A CHECK.
RICHARD, THAT'S SHERIDAN ON THE PHONE-- - OHH.
NOW LISTEN, SHERIDAN, YOU'VE UPSET YOUR FATHER.
OH, MAJOR, I'M SO SORRY.
I WAS EXPECTING ANOTHER CALL.
YES.
OH, YES, MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPER IS STILL ON.
OH, IT'S BEEN A FUNNY DAY, BUT WE HAVE TO PRESS ON.
WOULD I LIKE SOME FLOWERS FROM YOUR CONSERVATORY? HOW VERY KIND.
YES, I'LL POP ALONG NOW.
THAT'S VERY CIVILIZED OF YOU, MAJOR.
BYE.
WHAT ABOUT SHERIDAN? DON'T SEND HIM ANY MONEY.
OH, ISN'T THIS DELIGHTFUL? THIS IS SO KIND OF YOU.
I'VE CUT SOME PRIME BLOOMS FOR YOU.
OH, LOVELY.
OH, YOU GREW THEM ALL YOURSELF.
ESPECIALLY FOR YOU.
OH I MUST RUSH.
I'VE LEFT THE OVEN ON.
Hyacinth: I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE SO ATHLETIC.
- AAAH.
OOH.
- OOH! WHAT'S WRONG NOW? NOTHING IS WRONG.
AS FAR AS ANYONE IS CONCERNED, NOTHING IS WRONG.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A CANDLELIGHT SUPPER.
IT'S GOING TO BE THE USUAL SUCCESS.
I SEE NO REASON FOR TRAILING OUR PROBLEMS IN FRONT OF OUR FRIENDS.
IS THE MAJOR COMING? YES, RICHARD, I DO BELIEVE THE MAJOR WILL BE COMING.
AND IT'S A GOOD JOB HE IS A MAJOR.
IF HE WAS A SERGEAN HE WOULDN'T GET A FOO PAST THE DOOR.
( theme music playing )