Kevin Can F*** Himself (2021) s01e01 Episode Script

1
♪♪
Kev, Kev, Kev
- Kev, Kev, Kev, Kev, Kev
- Neil, Neil, Neil, Neil, Neil
- Oh!
- Seven in a row!
That's seven for Kevin!
We're in Seventh Kevin, baby!
Hey, one more and that's a sweep, son,
and that means
a naked lap for you, Neil!
God, not again.
Patty, what do you care?
You're my sister.
You used to change my diapers.
Which is weird 'cause you're
three years older than me.
[LAUGHTER]
- Come on.
- Alright. Watch this.
- Kev Aah!
- Larry Bird!
[LAUGHS] I mean, sorry, Mom.
Neil, what is our one house rule?
TOGETHER: Yankees suck.
No. Don't call me Mom.
And, yes, of course, Yankees suck.
Well, this looks fun.
This is practice.
Can't lose the beer pong tournament
at our anniversary party.
Okay, yes, well, about the party.
- I've been thinking
- PATTY: Oh.
- Man.
- No!
[LAUGHTER]
That maybe, instead of a rager,
we could celebrate our 10th anniversary
with something more adult.
- Like a threesome?
- Like a threesome?
Um, no. No.
Like, maybe a-a grown-up
dinner together.
I mean, we are 35.
Yeah, but you're lady 35 and I'm boy 35.
What's the difference?
Well, I'm just hitting my prime,
and you
Hmm?
are, too.
Very quick. I think she bought it.
Come on.
You love the Anniversa-rager.
You always say, "I don't want one!"
But I know you have the best time
- putting it together and
- Oh!
I do love a planning phase.
That's my girl.
Nothing says "party"
like your flowcharts.
Alright.
Let's get this all cleared up, okay?
'Cause dinner's almost ready.
- Oh, come on!
- I'm up next!
No, see, this is why I call you "Mom."
Guys, leave her alone, alright?
Someone has to be responsible.
[CHUCKLING] Right?
Thank you.
Okay, babe, how about this
How about next year,
we will celebrate our
anniversary your way, 'kay?
- Okay.
- Yoink.
Game on! [LAUGHS]
Game over! It's naked lap time, Neil!
- Hey, babe.
- Yes?
Can you grab us freshies?
Allison, avert your eyes.
I can't have you leaving Kevin for me.
[LAUGHTER]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION IN DISTANCE]
[HIGH-PITCHED RINGING]
♪♪
[GLASS SHATTERS]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION
CONTINUES IN DISTANCE]
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
I'm fine!
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
♪♪
♪♪
[CHUCKLES]
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[GRUNTING]
[CLEARS THROAT]
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
[DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE]
[EXHALES SHAKILY]
Ugh.
[SIGHS]
[CLEARS THROAT] Okay.
[SIGHS]
I just stepped on a very large roach.
Aw, no. Did you kill it?
Worcester Harvest Fair has a
contest for biggest vermin.
'Course we do.
Next time, just, uh,
sweep 'im into your shoe.
It was bigger than my shoe.
God. I hope he had babies.
Uh, what have I said about green stuff?
It's garnish.
On scrambled eggs and hot dogs?
Yes.
Uh. Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom.
Yum.
[LAUGHTER]
Ke Mm. Kevin, when I bought you
those Curt Schilling coasters,
you promised you'd use them.
This coffee table's from Pottery Barn.
Pottery Barn from
Goodwill is just Goodwill.
It's like getting lobster
from McDonald's.
It's the nicest thing
we have in this house.
Uh, I think you're forgetting
about my Wade Boggs rookie card.
No, I'm not.
Hey. We've been here for 10 years now.
Don't you think it's time
we take some of the money
we've saved and invest in our future?
Wade Boggs only appreciates.
You never get that feeling that
maybe change wouldn't be so
Nope.
Well, look at the time.
You really should get
really should get going.
Aw. Man.
Can't we switch places for the day?
How'd that work?
Well, uh, you can wear
a fat suit and install cable,
and I can work at
the happiest place on Earth.
- It's a liquor store.
- I know what I said.
It's no fair that you get to work there
while I have to watch my snobby boss
- give the fiber optic job to Brenda.
- To Brenda.
That job was mine.
Well, it pays the same.
You can't put a price on prestige.
Tell that to Pottery Barn.
[LAUGHTER]
Okay. Well, I'm gonna go
run some errands before work.
Oh. Uh, hey, if you're looking
for an anniversary gift idea for me,
they make alcoholic snow cones now,
so, just an idea.
I saw the note you left
on the bathroom mirror.
You know that's permanent marker, right?
Well, that's 'cause it's
a permanent reminder.
And I'm sure you're wondering what
I'm gonna get you for the occasion,
so tell Neil what to get
- and he'll tell me. Okay.
- and he'll tell you.
Love you.
Love you.
[LAUGHTER]
[SIGHS]
[CLOCK TICKING]
[SNIFFLES]
[HIGH-PITCHED RINGING]
♪♪
[RINGING STOPS]
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
♪♪
Do, do-do-do, do-do-do,
do-do-do-do-do-do ♪
- Hey.
- Hey.
A shady tree ♪
You and me ♪
So young and free ♪
Yes, these are
the best things in life ♪
Fly away ♪
A warm embrace ♪
A smiling face ♪
Pick up your trash.
It's not that hard.
In life ♪
Without your love ♪
It doesn't mean a thing ♪
For only you can make these things ♪
Worth remembering ♪
No!
A yellow moon ♪
Aah!
Why would anyone put a trash can there
in the first place?
Ugh!
Yes, these are
the best things in life ♪
Without your love ♪
It doesn't mean a thing ♪
For only you can make these things ♪
Worth remembering ♪
♪♪
MAN: It's yours if you want it.
[HORNS HONKING]
I don't think it's wanting
it enough that's the problem.
Well, a new listing came in.
I thought of you the minute I saw it.
What?
Sellers are motivated,
it's within the gates,
but on the smaller side,
and you only need 5% down.
Wow.
That's, like,
all our savings. [CHUCKLES]
10 years' worth just for a down payment?
I don't think I could
Math is workable.
Math is workable? [CHUCKLES]
Come on in, we'll do some crunching.
I'll take your coat.
Come on. [CHUCKLES] Here.
- Um, let me, um
- Just a sec.
Sorry.
God, what the hell?
Oh, my God. I am so sorry.
Oh, no. I just bit my tongue.
- Can I
- No, no.
Just come in, and we can discuss the
You know what? It's It's fine.
'Cause I don't think this
actually would really make
a lot of sense for us right now.
Yeah.
But you should really ice that.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
Hi. Excuse me.
- Hi.
- WOMAN: Hi.
Um, could you tell me
what shade of red is right?
I-It's my anniversary coming up,
and I've always loved kind of
the classic red lip, you know?
But when I try, I always choose
the wrong shade of red
and end up looking trashy.
With you? Impossible.
- Come on.
- No, no.
I think whatever you're
wearing now is perfect.
I totally agree.
This whole look really works for you.
Yeah. Well, it's just tinted ChapStick.
Well, you coulda told me.
And a Powah Ball quick pick,
bonus numbah 11 for Edelman.
And, uh, throw in a couple
of the wheel scratchers.
- My girl likes 'em.
- [CHUCKLES]
Allison.
There's my girl. How are ya?
Hey, D. I'm I'm good. How are you?
Eh, you know, better than
your Uncle Chuck with his back.
They call it a slipped disc?
More like it tripped down
three flights of stairs. But
what can you do, right?
Physical therapy?
Oh, sweetie, you got a little snag.
Ooh. What's in the fancy bag?
You bring your auntie something nice.
Uh, no. It's for Kevin.
I got him a watch for our anniversary.
Mm. La-de-da. [CHUCKLES]
- What'd he get you?
- Nothing yet.
He wants me to tell him what I want.
Mm. Good man.
O-Our first anniversary,
Chuck got me running shoes.
Yeah. Can you imagine?
- These knees don't run.
- [CHUCKLES]
Don't make men guess.
Tell him you want a Dyson
or a Pandora's bracelet.
Well, I-I don't want any of that.
[SIGHS]
Sign of a good life.
Hmm? [CHUCKLES]
You got lucky, honey.
Mm?
We both did.
Ah.
[SIGHING] Ah.
[HIGH-PITCHED RINGING]
Kevin?
- Present.
- Oh, good, you're home.
- I'm home and I'm screwed.
- Uh-huh.
Word of the party got around work.
All the way up to Bossman Harrison.
Now he's coming and he cannot hang.
I found what I want for our anniversary.
I told you to tell Neil.
I did. He's crying next door.
[LAUGHTER]
Happy anniversary.
What's this?
We're moving!
[LAUGHTER]
♪♪
Okay, so we need to get a credit report
and fill out an application.
And you paid off that student
loan a while back, right?
Why would I pay it back if
you never went to college?
- Because you still used it.
- Yeah.
To invest in Neil's Hooters
for Butts business.
Ah, yes. Only a matter of time
till you see that back-end.
Can you, uh, hand me the tablet?
[LAUGHTER]
Why are you doing that?
Well, ladies always do it in the movies,
and I wanted to feel fancy.
[LAUGHTER]
Kev, this is fancy.
Look, it's got granite
countertops and a mudroom.
We could be Amherst Gates
residents in one month.
It's great, babe. It is.
But, I mean
do we have to go? [CHUCKLES]
Can't some things just
stay the same anymore?
We've saved for so long.
We can cover the down payment.
We can own a home.
Is it really that much
better than this place?
[LAUGHTER]
It's not about the house, you know?
It's a fresh start.
We can be everything we always wanted.
[CHUCKLING] I don't know
what else we could be, but
but okay.
Okay.
What Allison wants, Allison gets.
Good.
'Cause I've already made
an appointment at the bank
first thing Monday
morning after the party.
Ah. What party?
It's useless now that High
and Mighty Harrison is coming.
Being around him is constant work.
Oh, you say the same thing
about shoes with laces.
I don't even see the point
of a party anymore.
Oh, God.
I've lost the will to rage!
What is there even to live for anymore?
[LAUGHTER]
Oh.
Look at that closet space.
Wow. [CHUCKLES]
So much room for cleaning products.
Oh, and that bedroom.
Ooh, I never wanna leave that bedroom.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]
I can see us now.
Lying in that bed.
You're wearing some hot little thing.
I'm wearing
just a T-shirt.
And we can finally do that
thing you say we'll never do.
We've had this discussion.
Gotta embrace change, baby.
[LAUGHTER]
♪♪
[APPLAUSE]
[WATER RUNNING]
[SLURPING]
[SPITTING]
[WATER STOPS]
[DRAIN GURGLING]
You know, we never got to
have parties in the seminary.
So that's why you had to have
sex with nuns the boredom.
What can I say?
I got in the habit.
[LAUGHS]
Come on!
It was just one nun,
and please don't talk about
my parents having sex.
[LAUGHTER]
I thought for a second you canceled.
Ah. Never!
I had one of my strokes of genius!
I wish I'd have those.
You know,
instead of the regular strokes.
I realized, I spend
every Anniversa-rager
putting out fires.
That was one time,
and your eyebrows grew back.
Mr. Harrison is a tiny hiccup.
We just gotta keep
him away from our party.
So, we're gonna have another fancy,
boring-person party
for him in the living room
that you get to throw.
"Get to"?
You'll distract Harrison with wine
and tiny crackers in the living room,
and I'll take care of the real party.
Okay, but you really
think he's not gonna notice
a party in the next room?
We're having our party
in the backyard, Allison.
Think of the kitchen as
a buffer between the two,
and you you're the most
important part of the plan.
You're the gatekeeper.
Like St. Peter.
But more judgmental.
[LAUGHTER]
I have always wanted to have
the boss over for dinner.
- It's what people do, right?
- Great.
Then since it's also your party,
you get to pick up the supplies.
"Get to"?
Okay, but if I do this,
you have to behave, okay?
No liquor. Only beer.
We have that appointment at
the bank first thing tomorrow.
Hey, I'll take it easy like
Sunday morning.
- It's Monday morning.
- What?
Huh?
Just don't go crazy, okay?
We need the bank guy to believe
that we're the kind of people
who deserve a new house.
You're not actually moving, right?
This is like when you said
you were going back to school?
Or when you wanted to go to Paris?
Yeah, we'll just kinda
all pretend it's happening
until you come to your senses?
Nope. You and your sister
are gonna have new neighbors to torture.
It's happening, Neil.
NEIL: [WHIMPERING]
Oh.
I don't want you to overreact
I'm dying inside!
[LAUGHTER]
And outside!
[LAUGHTER]
- Should we
- I'm good.
♪♪
Give me the lip stain in candy apple.
Please.
♪♪
["I'M SHIPPING UP TO
BOSTON" RINGTONE PLAYS]
Ugh.
Kevin?
Oh. Talk slower.
Okay.
Please stop saying "meats."
Meats!
I just found out that
Mr. Harrison goes nuts
for those fancy cheese and meat plates,
so I need you to pick one up.
Because I'm busy.
I'm auditioning Tom Brady
look-alikes for the party.
[LAUGHTER]
Tampa Bay is trash, man.
People adore you here.
[LAUGHTER]
You should've stayed.
Well, I had a great run
in New England, and I
Why does everybody leave?!
Neil, buddy, take it easy.
We're gonna be okay.
Meats and cheeses.
MAN: Hey, honey.
A smile looks nice on you.
Hey, you wanna see
if you pass inspection?
- No thanks.
- It's a joke. It's a joke.
If you wanna party
in the back, though
No.
I'm here all the time,
you change your mind.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
Um, hi.
I was hoping to get
a coffee and that maybe
you had a charcuterie plate.
The charcuterie plate
is on our catering menu,
so you'd have to place those order
Shit. Shit.
Sam.
Allie.
- [CHUCKLING] Hi.
- [SIGHS]
Thought I might see you at some point.
- You look [SIGHS]
- No.
Exactly the same.
[CHUCKLES]
Uh, h wh You, uh, moved back?
And you work at a diner?
Close. I moved back,
and I own a diner.
This is yours?
Okay.
Oh, yeah, well,
I'm surprised I didn't recognize you.
Well, market research
shows people in New England
like diners where they think
a white lady cooks the food.
Doesn't market research also show that
Worcester is not the best
place to open a yuppie diner?
You'd be surprised.
Worcester's an up-and-coming city.
- No, it's not.
- No, it's not.
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
But I wanted to come back.
But why? You got out.
- You got to live in New York City.
- Well, Syracuse.
Okay, well, a New York city.
[CHUCKLES]
So, what'd I miss the last 15 years?
In Worcester?
Um
oh.
There were, like,
three new traffic plans
for Kelly Square that you missed out on.
- So condolences.
- Mm.
I must be crazy coming back here.
Yeah. So, um, why did you?
Kinda just pulls you back.
Yeah. I get it.
Uh, so, how long you been back,
and where you staying?
Well, uh, Jenn's parents
are still in their old house.
Right.
We're actually renovating a place
down near the old water tower.
Ah.
Happy for you.
Okay. Um, well, I'm gonna get going.
Hold on. I can make that
charcuterie plate for you.
- Don't worry about it.
- I don't mind. Really, I'm
I can take care of it.
But thank you.
♪♪
Hmm.
I shoulda known you'd be
trouble when you tried
to drop your accent in high school.
[CHUCKLES]
♪♪
Meats.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
- Hey.
- Hey.
[SNORTS]
What?
Nothing.
[SNORTS]
♪♪
Wow. Some party. [CHUCKLES]
Uh, it's
elegant.
- It's understated.
- It's dead.
Can't you get some of the people
from outside to come in here?
I could use a few bodies.
Babe, it's our anniversary.
Of course I'm not gonna ask my friends
to come to this lame thing.
You can ask some of your dad's friends.
No, no, no. They're outside
revving up the tattoo gun.
This whole event is a
finely tuned machine.
Why are you trying to mess with it?
I'm anxious. We have to be up early.
I'm already thinking about cleanup.
So, we're having a party
and you're thinking
about cleaning up?
I always forget mental
illness runs in your family.
[LAUGHTER]
I brought the name tags.
I'm pretty sure we already
know each other's names.
- "Kelvin"?
- Yeah.
Kevin McRoberts has some complaints
on the ol' cable company record,
so when Bossman Harrison got hired,
I introduced myself as Kelvin McLoberts.
Hey, no permanent marker
on the coffee table.
- This is from Pottery
- BOTH: Goodwill.
It's Pottery Barn.
I gotta get outside, control the flow.
I can't be stuck in here waiting
for my pain-in-the-ass boss,
Mr. H-Harrison.
Welcome.
We were just discussing a new TV show.
"Ass Boss."
[LAUGHTER]
- Kelvin.
- Whoa.
Geez. [CHUCKLES]
Haven't had something this
fancy since communion.
Oh.
Mr. Harrison, so glad you could come.
Mrs. McLoberts.
Strong handshake from a little lady.
Most women develop osteoporosis by 50.
Good for you.
50? I'm not even close.
Ooh, is that a charcuterie plate?
It sure is.
Oh, thank God.
You're needed outside ASAP.
The Tom Bradys are saying they
can beat anyone at flip cup,
and they called you out by name.
[LAUGHTER]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Mr. Harrison? Uh,
this is my neighbor Neil.
Hi, I'm Kelvin's neighbor
and closest companion, Neil.
He needs me to help him with a problem
in his house for a moment.
- His plumbing
- Caught on fire.
[LAUGHTER]
Yup. His plumbing caught on fire.
[CHUCKLES]
The gas lines got tangled
up with the water pipes.
It happens more than you think.
Yeah. [LAUGHS]
I should go deal with that.
- Yeah.
- [LAUGHS] Now?
'Cause the party just started.
I know. But I'm needed elsewhere.
[LAUGHTER]
[CLOCK TICKING]
It's nice to have good neighbors.
Yeah.
Well, uh, don't ruin your dinner.
- I made quail.
- Oh.
Can I just ask
do you have a mudroom?
I do.
Great.
[SIGHS]
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
I
like your coffee table.
Thank you. [CHUCKLES]
Can I get you a glass of wine?
Alright.
Great.
I'll be right back.
♪♪
[GAGS]
[SIGHS]
No, no, no. Where'd he go?
-
- Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Guys, guys, be cool.
I don't think he's into this.
- What the hell?
- Gah!
[LAUGHTER]
- Kelvin, I never
- I-It was Allison's idea!
I never get to be one of the boys!
[LAUGHS]
Wait, what?
Nobody invites me anywhere!
People forget that behind the grandeur
of "regional director of installation,"
I'm just a man.
A man who likes
the simple things in life.
Like shotgunning brewskies with guys
who slightly resemble Tom Brady.
He's my fourth cousin.
Sure he is, bro.
I knew you were gonna be a good time.
That's why I made
sure Brenda invited you.
She didn't.
She didn't invite me.
Damn Brenda!
Doesn't think I can hang.
What?
Has she seen you do that?
I'm so glad I made it.
And now that the party's
finally getting good, thank God.
Why don't you join us in the backyard?
We can do another
beer bong hit out there.
Uh, you think we can do it
with a nice Pinot this time?
- Sure.
- [LAUGHS]
[LAUGHTER]
[DOOR CLOSES]
[SIGHS]
[OBJECT SHATTERS]
[LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
KEVIN: Everyone!
Everyone!
Listen up!
This has truly been my best party yet!
[CROWD CHEERING]
Happy anniversary!
Oh. Is it somebody's anniversary?
- Congrats!
- Thank you!
But I also wanna use my party
to share some news about
a life-changing move.
Where's Allison?
Can we get Allison up here?
There she is.
Come here, babe.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
Come on up. Yeah, up here. Come on.
Uh, we both want to
thank you all for coming, uh,
but especially Mr. Harrison.
- Yeah.
- Terry.
Because Terry has just offered me
the opportunity of a lifetime.
Terry is moving me over
from cable to fiber optics.
So, you know what that means.
- No.
- Wait.
- Are you saying
- Oh, yes, Neil.
We decided we're staying.
We did?
[TABLE BREAKS]
[LAUGHTER]
I thought you said this
was from Pottery Barn.
[LAUGHTER]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
♪♪
He's drunk. He's not
gonna remember this.
We're going, we're going, we're going,
we're going, we're going.
[INHALES SHARPLY]
♪♪
Ow! God!
Crap! Mother eff
- PATTY: My God.
- Oh.
- Just swear.
- [BREATHING HEAVILY]
"Eff" is so much worse.
You throwing a little tantrum out here?
Just getting some fresh air.
Oh. And the mailbox offended you.
[MUFFLED CHEERING, TALKING]
Oh.
It's a party.
Not death row.
Do you ever think about
maybe trying to have
just a little bit of fun?
I'm not talking about
scoring crack or anything,
but maybe indulge in a hard seltzer?
I don't feel like celebrating.
Oh, right. Silly me.
We're all in mourning 'cause Barbie
lost out on her Dream House.
It's not about the house!
I'm just s-so tired.
Yeah. Who sleeps these days?
Oh, Jesus, I mean mentally.
Aren't you?
I wake up, I go to the salon,
I come home,
I watch a game with the guys.
In between,
there are a few Dunkie's coffees
and a pack of menthols.
You're okay with that?
Everyone knows what their
life's gonna look like in 10,
20 years.
Pretending things'll change is
how they sell washing machines.
I'm just I'm tired of trying.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
I feel like nothing I do is ever enough.
I really think if I could start
over and go somewhere else
and just do everything right this time,
I can finally be
[SIGHS]
like, done.
Is that insane?
You know how many people
come to my salon every week
thinking a perm will
solve all their problems?
I mean
maybe you're insane,
but you're not alone.
Calling me crazy is
the nicest you ever been to me.
You're welcome.
But this isn't just a perm. [CHUCKLES]
I'm not giving up on this.
I can't. [CHUCKLES]
I can get Kevin to that
bank tomorrow morning.
I-I don't care if he's still
taking pulls off a handle of tequila.
I know it doesn't seem like it,
but I know how to work Kevin.
He's capable of stuff.
Like how I got him to
remember our anniversary.
You just have to make him
think that it's his idea.
- You know? We can still
- Jesus, Allison.
What?
Come on. Wake the hell up.
There's no "we" in there.
What the hell do you know? [SCOFFS]
Nobody thinks that we're leaving,
but I promise you
The account's empty.
What?
The weekly savings thing.
It's gone.
That's not possible, 'cause I was there
when we opened the account.
Like 10 years ago, and then you
let him keep track of the money.
'Cause I'm bad with money.
You think he's better?
Come on. How many times a week
does a package come to this house?
All you gotta do is pay attention.
He wouldn't go into that account.
♪♪
A few years ago,
he got into some hot water
trading fake sports memorabilia.
He asked Neil for money,
who of course came to me.
He said you have nothing.
♪♪
But we were gonna leave
Start over.
He said that things were gonna change.
♪♪
They were never gonna change.
[CHUCKLES]
They're never gonna change.
♪♪
[LAUGHS]
Oh. I'm sorry.
Fuck!
♪♪
Why don't you gimme, gimme,
gimme, gimme what you got? ♪
Hey, hey, hey ♪
'Cause you know, baby,
that is quite a lot ♪
Hey, hey, hey ♪
Come on and gimme, gimme,
gimme, gimme what you got ♪
Hey, hey, hey ♪
'Cause you know, baby,
I need what you got ♪
Oh-oh-oh-oh, yeah ♪
Gimme, gimme, gimme,
gimme what you got ♪
When you're making love to me, dear ♪
When you whisper into my ear ♪
I love you ♪
When you're speaking it,
make up your mind ♪
You make me feel so fine ♪
Gah!
Gimme, gimme, gimme,
gimme what you got ♪
- Hey, hey, hey ♪
- 'Cause you know ♪
That's littering, sweetie.
You can get in trouble for that.
Gimme what you got ♪
Hey, hey, hey ♪
'Cause you know, baby,
I need what you got ♪
Oh-oh-oh-oh, yeah ♪
I'm a bad driver. I've accepted that.
I'm a bad driver with
split ends and an overbite.
[SNIFFS]
Ah.
When my husband's in
the car with me, he says,
"Oh, you shouldn't drive so slow.
Oh, don't let so many people
pull out in front of you.
Uh, you should use your horn more."
I get nervous behind the wheel,
and driving's all about confidence.
So, that's why I'm not
a good [SNIFFS] driver.
I'm a bad driver.
[SNIFFS]
But, you know, I've been thinking.
I've never been in an accident.
And I can drive stick,
I can parallel park,
I can merge, and, you know,
I actually think that
I actually used to enjoy driving.
[SNIFFS]
Oh, I like this. [CHUCKLES]
[SNIFFS, CHUCKLES]
But we have one car,
and he doesn't have to share it.
He doesn't have to share anything.
He gets me all to himself,
'cause I never went back to school,
and he says that's
'cause I never finish things.
But do I never finish things,
or does he take them from me?
[HORNS HONKING IN DISTANCE]
Am I bad at driving,
or does he want the car?
As long as I had
this thing this just
Like, this image of what I
What we could be,
I had something to hope for.
But now I try to picture
anything good, and
♪♪
Like, what the hell
are you supposed to do
if you can't close your
eyes and picture a future
where everything's okay?
Because dreaming's
useless with him around,
so, what, do I just go numb?
Oh, yeah, that'll happen.
That shit's real pure.
What?
No.
You aren't listening.
I'm a I'm a customer,
and you couldn't be bothered
just to pay attention?
Is the sound of my
voice impossible to hear?
'Cause if you're having trouble,
I can go louder, you dick!
Aah!
What the hell, lady?!
Oh, my God.
Oh, shit, Marcus,
that bitch bitch-slapped you.
Oh, I am so sorry.
No, you know what?
I'm not sorry.
The hell with that. I deserve
Oh! I'm sorry.
Sorry.
You should really ice that.
[SIGHS]
[DOOR CREAKS]
[CLOCK TICKING]
[CHUCKLES]
PATTY: Wow.
Kevin thought you were out for a run.
What the hell have you been doing?
Um, I was sort of running.
Why are we talking like this?
Kevin's in the kitchen.
He's gonna surprise you.
[SIGHS] With what?
Hold on.
Oh.
Oh. [CHUCKLES] Caught me.
I, uh, had a bit of a rough morning
and I needed a few jelly Munchkins.
So, um, did you tell him
I know about the account?
Tell Kevin I ratted him out? Come on.
He had a feud with the mail
woman and got her deported.
Yeah.
That's why you waited years to tell me?
[SIGHS]
PATTY: Hey.
Are you okay?
I have no idea.
Uh babe, I'm sorry I passed out
in your rose bushes last night.
We don't have rose bushes.
Well, [CHUCKLES] where'd you pass out?
'Cause you look
wonderful.
Very quick. I think she bought it.
This looks fun.
Yeah, well,
I know I had too much liquor last night,
and when I woke up with
rose thorns in my tongue,
I realized you're right.
It's time to grow up. I gotta change.
So, no more Anniversa-ragers.
Wow.
I decided that we should
celebrate your way,
do what you wanted this whole time
- A boring dinner.
- A grown-up dinner!
A grown-up dinner.
In the morning.
Wait. If this is dinner,
that means beers are fair game.
Neil, ideas like that are
why I keep you around.
Allison, you mind?
And, babe, uh, about moving?
You know, that money in the bank is
It's only gonna grow,
and if you pick up a few more shifts
at the package store,
we're gonna be able to move
wherever your little heart desires.
What Allison wants, Allison gets.
[HIGH-PITCHED RINGING]
[GLASS SHATTERS]
♪♪
NEIL: Shit, Kevin!
Kevin! What did you do?!
♪♪
What?
You broke it.
Whoa! Ms. Hercules over here!
[LAUGHTER]
Is that blood?
It doesn't mean you get to be moody.
You already used that
excuse once this month.
[LAUGHTER]
I'll be fine.
Honey, [CHUCKLES] go bandage that hand.
We still got dinner at breakfast,
and I can't wait to see
what you're gonna cook.
[LAUGHTER]
[CLOCK TICKING]