Key and Peele (2012) s01e01 Episode Script

Because you're my wife, and you love the theater, and, uh, it's your birthday! Great.
Unfortunately, the orchestra's already filled up.
But they do have seats that are still left in the dress circle.
If you want to, uh, me to get them theater tickets right now, I'ma do it right now.
What's up, dog.
I'm about 5 minutes away.
Yeah, okay, yeah, cool.
No, they all good singers.
They all good singers.
Yeah, son.
Nah, man.
I'm telling you, man.
I'm about to cross the street.
No, they got that one dude in it that you love, man.
He gon' be in it, yeah.
Come on, man, you know I'm almost there, all right? Right now, I'ma pick your ass up at 6:30, then.
Cool.
All right, yeah, yeah, yeah, the parking is, uh, the parking is free.
Oh my God, Christian.
I almost totally just got mugged right now.
Yeah, whoa.
Welcome.
Welcome to the show, everybody.
- I am Keegan.
- I am Jordan.
And this is Key & Peele.
Thank you, yes.
Thank you.
Jordan and I-- we're biracial.
Yes, half-black, half-white.
And, because of that, we find ourselves particularly adept at lying.
Because, on a daily basis, we have to adjust our blackness.
- Yes.
- You know what I mean? Oh, no, there's many reasons we do that.
- I mean, to terrify white people.
- Yes, that's one of the main reasons.
Because, I mean, you know, with the way that we sound, the way that we actually talk, we're not intimidating anybody.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- We sound very white.
We sound whiter than the black dude in the college a cappella group.
Yes, we sound whiter than Mitt Romney in a snowstorm.
You know what I mean? But that's just-- that's one of-- that's the reason when we're around other brothers and sisters, you will see us-- - You got to just-- - You got to dial it up a little bit.
Oh, see, you know what I'm talking about, brother.
Oh, you know I know what you talking about - You know I know you know-- - You know I know that you know what you talking about.
No doubt, man.
No doubt.
No doubt, no doubt, no doubt.
All right, dude Because you never want to be the whitest-sounding black guy in a room.
You put five white-talking black guys in the same room, you come back in an hour, it's gonna be like Ladysmith Black Mambazo up in here.
- Hey, hey, hey, all right.
- Hey.
Hi, sweetie, that's for you.
Hey, Trace.
How you doing, girl? - Check out the house.
- Oh, my.
Girl, I got a sunken tub.
You got to see this.
Oh, I gotta see this.
- Have a good time, now.
- Have fun, have fun.
- Dude, I'm sorry we're late.
- Man, it happens, man.
And she talk about how we're supposed to be in the car at 6:45.
- I'm like "All right.
" - Uh-oh.
Tell me my dumb ass ain't sitting in the car, waiting until 7:15! Nuh-uh.
Okay, when I track my wife down she's stepping out of the damn shower, talking about, "Can I help you?" See, that's crazy right there.
I looked this woman in her eyes, I said "Bitch, you told me 6:45.
" - You said that? - Psh, yeah, I said "Bitch.
" Then I laid it out.
But you said "bitch" though.
- Hmm? - You said, "bitch"? Yeah.
You got to see the fireplace downstairs in the living room.
Okay.
Don't play games, man.
Just tell me what you're going to tell me.
Exactly, it's like, say what you mean, mean what you say.
- Is that so hard? - It's like last week, man, we going out to dinner, right? I'm like, "Where do you wanna go?" She's like, "You decide.
" I'm like, "All right Outback Steakhouse.
" She's like "Nah.
" I'm like, "Straight up, Chili's.
" - She's like "Ehh.
" - No, no, Darrell, I named seven more restaurants.
No, Craig, no I finally said "Taylor's", the place I know she wants to go in the first place.
- Right, right.
- She looked at me, she said, - "If that's where you want to go.
" - No, she didn't, Craig.
If that's where I want to go.
Darrell, I looked my woman in the eye sockets, I told her straight out, I just said it, man.
I said it, I said, I said, I said - I said "Bi" - Hey, guys! Hey girl! How you doing? Tu having a good time? - You seen the bedroom? - Just looking at the wood.
- That washing machine is huge.
- Up on the ceiling here.
You get a whole bunch of clothes in that washing machine.
Hey, baby, I gonna take her back up to the kitchen and show her the dishwasher.
- Darrell? - Yeah, baby? I want a kitchen island just like the one upstairs.
You gonna get it too.
- I love you.
- I love you.
I said,"Bitch, "if you wanted to go to Taylor's, just tell a brother you want to go - "to Taylor's.
" Okay? - You said that? Oh, hell, yeah, man.
I laid it out, right? I says-- I says-- I says I said, "Bitch, I'm the man of the house.
" You said, "Bitch" though.
You called your wife a bitch! Uh-huh, yeah.
- Craig? - Darrell? - Where are those guys? - I don't know.
Let's go So, she's like, "Why don't you rent a movie we both like?" No she didn't! After I spent 25 minutes in the goddamn Blockbuster.
Craig, I looked this woman in her optic stems, and I says-- I said I says, "Bitch!" - You said that? - Ain't nothing but a thing! But you said "bitch," though? - Yep.
- See Oh, sh-- Hey, honey, Craig's just giving me the neighborhood tour.
So then she's like, "I didn't know we'd be doing so much walking.
" Nuh-huh.
I'm like, "I didn't tell you to wear those shoes.
" She said, "Don't raise your voice at me.
" What? Dar- rell, I looked this woman dead in the windows of her soul! Mm-hmm.
I said I said I said, "Bitch!" So, I'm a huge fan of reality television - And I have little use for it.
- Yes.
All right, well, but no, we agree on one thing, that reality TV has completely gone bananos.
It is redink to the hinkulous.
It is, it is.
It used to be very simple.
It used to be just, "Live in a house, and we'll film it.
"And then, we'll do the same thing next year.
" And it was-- it was like that for ten years.
And then, all of a sudden, it turned into, "You can live in the house, but we might kick you out, "if you don't run the raw diet food co-op correctly.
" That's right, that's right.
And then it was, "No house for you.
"Live on a beach, starve, and make alliances with each other.
" And then that show happened, and that's when it went to straight-up nut burgers Crazytown right there.
All of a sudden, it was, "Be a gay man designing things "and get angry at other gay men designing things.
" Or "Mad lesbians in a kitchen.
" Yes.
Or "Please install the television on my mode of transportation.
" "Eat a bug, win a car.
" "Dangerous fishing" Or "You've always been poor, but now, you have a pool table.
" Or "You have a mental illness.
Let us rearrange the furniture for you.
" Drew, come forward.
Yes, Chef.
this is a chicken quiche, with crimini mushrooms, baby spinach, and feta cheese.
Unbelievable.
Walter, I have a huge problem with this dish.
It's that you haven't made it for me sooner.
Thank you, chef.
Because if you had, Drew, then I would know how good you are at cooking food that's bad.
I'm sorry, chef.
When I say "bad", I mean Michael Jackson Bad.
Thank you, chef.
You know, how he looked really, really bad at the end of his life? Chef, I'm sorry.
I don't know if you like the dish or not? You don't know if I like the dish or not? Well, let's put it this way-- Pack your [beep.]
ing knives, get out, you're off the show.
Sorry, chef.
Because you should be working in the finest restaurant in the world.
- Thank you, chef.
- Just not any world that I live in.
- Sorry, chef.
- Because, frankly, Drew, I'm jealous of you.
Thank you, ch-chef.
And your ability to not give a [beep.]
about what you cook.
This is not fit for human consumption.
No, this should be eaten by a higher life form, with a more complex palate.
But also an altruistic drive to save humanity from dishes like this.
Joking! Not! You just have to die! Aah! So you won't have to endure a life in which you will never exceed what you have achieved here today.
Thank you, chef.
In conclusion, eh Lil Wayne, y'all! Tha Carter.
Yeah yeah yeah Yeah, I'm coming to y'all straight from Rikers penitentiary, bitch.
You heard, man.
Hey, yo, man-- haters out there think I'm playing, that I'm some kind of joke, man.
Yeah "Young Money" Check this out right here, man.
I'm the baddest mother[beep.]
er on this whole prison here, bitch, yeah.
You heard? Check it out! Let's go, I'm the baddest dude of all Aah! So, Jordan does not drive, which, I think, is completely crazy.
That's true.
I can explain.
I'm from New York.
Originally, first of all Yeah, we don't drive in New York.
And I'm from the polar opposite.
I'm from the Motor City.
I'm from Detroit, and so, you have to drive, or you get stabbed.
But that's just it.
You just landed on it.
That's why I don't drive, because people go crazy, man.
People turn into Mr Hyde.
That is not true that everybody that gets behind the wheel of a car - flips out.
- You do.
No, I don't.
I do not.
When would have I done that? When that one lady cut us off, that one time, - My man goes into top speed-- - I did.
You started swerving in between vehicles, right there.
I did-- I swug between vehicles.
- He had to catch up with her.
- You're right.
And when we caught up with her, my man rolls down his window.
- What did you yell at her? - I said, "Selfish!" "Selfish.
" "You are selfish!" And please, no,you have to understand, you have to understan, that's the nicest guy in the world, right here, okay? To him, "selfish", that's the "C" word.
It is.
I love it that it is your version of road rage, by the way.
So, you think that if you got a driver's license, that you would just flip out? No, that's other people.
I don't drive because I smoke weed, and I don't want to kill anybody.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Well, Jordan, you could always just stop smoking weed.
I'm sorry.
What'd you say? I'm high, right now.
I'm telling, it's totally legal.
These doctors, they'll prescribe medical marijuana to anyone, man.
- What do I tell them I need it for? - It doesn't matter.
They want to give you a prescription.
It's how they get paid.
Just make something up.
Hey, Mr.
Washington! Welcome - Hey, Doctor.
- I gonna ask you a couple of questions.
- AIDS.
- What? AIDS.
- AIDS? As in, un-- - As in "I got it.
"Needs lots of weed to get rid of it.
" Ok, okay, AIDS.
Are you sure you're not suffering from anything else, - like, you know, back pain? - Nope.
- Anxiety? - Cool as a cucumber.
- How about insomnia? - Sleep like a baby with AIDS.
Okay, Mr.
Washington.
Let's see how it rolls for a second.
If you had AIDS, then I would have to verify it by seeing test results, whereas if you have back pain or anxiety, or anything else that I can't test for, then I can give you this prescription for cannabis right now.
- Oh - Understand? - Oh, I see, I get it.
My bad - Awesome.
Good, good, good.
- Okay, so-- - Leprosy.
No, no Because if you had leprosy, I'd have to quarantine you.
Ouch.
No.
Okay.
I see your finger's falling off.
No, don't do that.
That's not going to work.
- Scurvy.
- Nope.
- Rickets? - What? No.
- Consumption.
- No, Mr.
Washington.
- Something from this century.
- Schizophrenia.
You don't have schizophrenia.
Yes, you do.
Just keep it simple, please! What the hell is that? I don't know what that is! That's a fish hook in my lip.
- Just pick something off this list.
- I can't reach you.
- Why not? - Paralyzed! Does your face hurt, Mr.
Washington? - Yeah.
- Then, this should help.
Lil Wayne, y'all "Young Money"! You need to watch your back, you heard? That's right, yeah, yeah, yeah.
'cause I'm coming for y'all.
You know, what's up, man? I run this, y'all In fact, yo, let's go! I'm the baddest-- Where you going, man? Where you going? Hey, hey, man.
Where you going? You ain't got to go now-- Okay, I see.
"Pick on the little guy", huh! Punks! He hi Aah! This little ironic mother[beep.]
er right here So, I had this friend in grade school and we were really tight.
And we grew up and went to different high schools, and we lost touch with each other.
And, uh, yeah, it's already funny.
And so he said to me-- He calls me out of the blue one day.
This is my jam.
And we're talking on the phone.
He asks me about this girl in my highschool.
And he says, "So, man, what do you think of that girl?" And so, I told him what I thought.
I told him the truth.
I said, "Oh, dog, man "My girl is not attractive.
"My girl is like rough in this area," you know? "My girl is straight hit", you know? "Nice enough girl, but she is ugly," you know? And my man goes, my man goes like this.
He says-- he says, "Ah, dog, that's my girlfriend.
" And I literally go like this.
I go "Brother, you know I'm playing.
" "She fine as hell.
" Hey, man I don't think we should be doing this right now, man.
"Young money"! You know what I mean? There's a time and a place-- you know what I'm saying, man? Man, I ain't scared, yo.
Good evening, my fellow Americans.
Now, before I begin I just want to say that I know a lot of people out there seem to think that I don't get angry.
That's not just true.
I get angry a lot.
It's just the way that I express passion is different from most.
So, just there's no more confusion, we hired Luther here to be my anger translator.
- Luther? - Hi! First off, concerning the recent developments in the middle-eastern region, I just want to reiterate our unflinching support fo all people, and the right to a democratic process.
Hey, all y'all dictators out there, keep messing around and see what happens.
Just see what happens.
Watch! Also, to the governments of Iran, and North Korea, we once again urge you to discontinue your uranium enrichment program.
Hey Mahmoud, Kim-Jong! I think I already done told both y'all, to come over there and do it for y'all.
Please test me and see what happens! On the domestic front, I just want to say to my critics, I hear your voices and I'm aware of your concerns.
So, maybe if you could chill the hell out for, like, for a second, then maybe I could focus on some [beep.]
, you know! And that goes for everybody, including members of the Tea Party.
Don't get me started on these mother[beep.]
ers right here.
I want to assure you that we'll be looking for new compromises with the GOP in the months ahead.
And you know these mother[beep.]
ers gonna say no before I even suggest some [beep.]
.
I know a lot of folks say that I haven't done a good job at communicating my accomplishments to the public.
Becase y'all mother[beep.]
ers don't listen! Uh, since being in office, we've created 3 million new jobs.
Three million new jobs! We ended the war in Iraq.
Ended a war y'all.
We ended a war.
Remember that? These achievements should serve as a reminder that I'm on your side.
I am not a Muslim! And that my attentions, as your President, are coming from the right place.
They're coming from Hawaii, which is where I'm from, which is in the United States of America, y'all.
Okay? This is ridiculous.
I have a birth certificate! I have a birth certificate! I have a hot diggity-doggity, mamase mamasa mamakusa, birth certificate, you dumbass crackers! Okay.
Luther? Rope it in.
You done it back Luther, damn.
In conclusion, last night I had a conversation with Michelle, and - I says, "Bitch"! - No, I did not say that.
I did not say that! So, uh, we're going to say good night right now.
But before we do, I just want to say I do think we are lucky in the lottery of life.
I think we are lucky to have gotten the best qualities of both races.
I think so too.
Because I know there are two dudes out there somewhere right now with little [beep.]
and sickle cell.
Good night! Thank you.
I'm gonna do my one line here Oh, yeah.