Kidding (2018) s01e01 Episode Script

1 [GENTLE, DOLEFUL MUSIC.]
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
- [WOMAN.]
Hey, Conan.
- [CONAN.]
Yeah.
[WOMAN.]
It happened a year ago today.
His name was Phil.
Don't ask about Phil.
All right, I won't ask about Phil.
All right, our next guest is celebrating his 30th anniversary in children's television.
He's the star, the host, the puppet master behind Mr.
Pickles' Puppet Time on PBS.
He raised your son, your daughter, your stepdaughter from his couch in Columbus, Ohio.
He has a new book out, Talking to Children.
It's doing extremely well.
Please help me welcome Mr.
Jeff Pickles.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Mr.
Pickles, uh, Danny Trejo.
Danny Trejo, Mr.
Pickles.
- How are you? - This is a great meeting of the minds here.
- "P-Hound.
" - Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Hmm.
What does the P stand for? Uh, P like a lady's, uh you know, like a part of, uh, her it's, uh - Is it her purse? - Ah, purse! - Yeah, it's the purse.
- Ah.
Purse.
Uh, I just right away, I have to ask you.
Have you ever watched my show before? - Oh, no.
- [LAUGHTER.]
No, but my wife she watches the show all the time.
In fact, if you don't mind, I brought a very special guest - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- with me.
I brought this little fella to help me sing a song to my wife - that - [AUDIENCE.]
Aw! is one of her old favorites.
Okay, can you tell us who this guy is? Come on.
Everyone knows Uke-Larry.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[STRUMMING UKULELE GENTLY.]
You can feel anything at all Anything at all [ALL.]
You can feel it Happy, sad, big, or very small Anything at all, it's fine It's you who's doing the feeling And that makes it okay And if you don't know who you are yet You can feel it Anyway E maka'ala no ka ha'ule o ka nui.
That means, "Watch out for falling coconuts.
" [GENTLE UKULELE MUSIC CONTINUES.]
Could you help me? My keys are in my back pocket.
[JEFF.]
You can feel it anyway Whoa.
You can feel feelings you don't know Feelings gotta grow, like feet So feel it And you can Heal It Isn't growing up funny And sweet? - - Isn't growing up Funny And sweet? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[CHANNEL CHANGES, EXPLOSION ON TV.]
[GUNFIRE ON TV.]
[PHONE BEEPS.]
[MAN YELLS ON TV.]
- [LINE TRILLING.]
- [SIGHS.]
- [JEFF.]
You've reached Jeff.
- [JILL.]
Jill.
- [WILL.]
Will.
- [PHIL.]
And Phil.
[ALL.]
We're the Pickles! [JEFF.]
Leave a message, Pickle pals.
- [PHIL.]
Dad.
- [JILL GIGGLES.]
[SOFT PLAYFUL MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
Knock, knock.
Mom, I'm trying to sleep.
Uh-huh.
How was dinner tonight? Delicious, nutritious and amazing.
Did you throw your veggies into the recycling bin? Your daddy dug a lovin' spoonful of time out of his day to cook you a healthy meal.
Then you dump it and you lie about it? You need to eat your greens.
He ate his.
Don't you want to be big and strong like your daddy? Mm.
I don't know, Maddy.
Is that what you want? Okay, no bath time.
- And no showers.
- What? Till you eat your vegetables, no more washing up.
Fine.
I hate baths.
And showers.
Okay.
Good night, sweetie.
- [HORN BLARES.]
- [TIRES SCREECH.]
I want to do a show about death.
Something special.
I don't think we want to do a show - about passing on.
- No, not passing on.
Death.
I don't want to say my son is off cloud surfing or Hula-hooping with a halo.
I want to say death.
Well, it's brave of you, but I don't think you're ready to talk about this.
I don't think I'm not ready like you think I'm not ready.
I think we need to heal.
Who's "we"? - What's that? - [DEIRDRE.]
That is Roly Polly, the f-fearful pill bug.
Looks like a baking accident.
I think you're really on to something.
You know the longer we wait to deal with this in our special way, the more we're telling every child in America that when something catastrophic happens to them, they should just pretend it didn't.
Why does Snagglehorse smell like buggery? Anybody have an idea? Bert? Clay? It's not sex.
It's sweat.
We live in these six hours a day.
It's not a costume; it's a locker room - shaped like a horse.
- Yeah.
My family is shriveling up like a Polaroid in a puddle.
I need to pull it out before it falls apart.
We need to talk about greeting cards.
That's important too, I guess.
Hallmark would like us to help associate Father's Day with the color purple.
Halloween has orange.
Hanukkah has blue.
Have you got any thoughts? I was thinking royal purple.
- Like purple neckties.
- [CLAY.]
Coming through.
[CLAY.]
A little help! [LAUGHS.]
Do we need another show about colors? Kids know the sky is blue.
They need to know what to do when it's falling.
I'm in the perfect position to talk to them about the worst fear they have.
That Mommy and Daddy and everyone they love has an expiration date.
Well, they'll never drink milk again.
When kids don't talk about their dark feelings, they get quiet.
It's the quiet ones that make the news.
Oh.
Derrell, I got this for you.
Mm.
"To Derrell.
Be nice to sluts.
Danny Trejo.
" Thanks, Mr.
P.
I always feel like I'm hitting you when I do that.
You're not.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
[JEFF.]
I know you're probably right.
It just feels like we were all in that car together.
You and me and all of our friends.
Don't say friends when you mean viewers.
They've been pretty kind to us.
When people are kind to me, I like to think of them as friends.
You need to understand something.
There's two of you.
There's Mr.
Pickles, the $112-million licensing industry of edutaining toys, DVDs, and books that keep the lights on in this little charity of ours.
And then there's Jeff, a separated husband and grieving father who needs to hammer out a few dents in his psyche.
And trust me, never the two should meet in order to prevent the destruction of them both.
I want you to heal.
But Jeff needs to heal.
Mr.
Pickles is fine.
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
Hello, Piglet.
Hello.
Wiggle it and jiggle it, funny little Piglet.
Ooh.
These are gonna go bad.
[MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY.]
What are you doing here? Phil's old team made the Columbo Classic.
Sometimes I sit in the stands, blow some wind in their sails.
Dig, dig, dig, dig, dig! - You're out! - Safe! Wanna join and get some hotcakes? That sounds sad.
Does it? [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
Besides, I have my wine club at six, and it's more fun on an empty stomach.
- Did Will do that? - When I told him to stop stealing my debit card.
Maybe he needs someone to hold his shoulders.
Maybe he's saying, "Help me.
" I think he wrote "cunt" and then he added the word "buffalo" to quantify its size.
Is that a tattoo on your breast? It's a small one.
Does it hurt? They're really good at getting those off now.
It's three weeks old.
Drinking wine before dinner.
What's next, Pall Malls? Batteries dangling from the smoke detector so you can puff your Pall Malls? You can't keep pushing it down.
Hmm, maybe I should do something healthy, like get a tattoo or pierce my labia.
One of these days, it's just gonna rush up to the surface.
Would it help if I moved back in? - [DOOR OPENS.]
- Would it help with what? [DOOR CLOSES.]
Will? Is that you? Do you know where my winter clothes are? For what purpose do you need your winter clothes? There's a clothing drive at church.
I want to collect the ones that don't fit me as well and donate them to the indigent.
- That's hopeful.
- Yes.
They're in a box in the garage above the bicycles below the inflatable nativity.
Hey, you didn't suck on Conan last night.
- You were on Conan? - Yeah.
I love Conan.
You didn't tell me.
I left you a message.
We don't check those anymore.
[TWINKLY MUSIC.]
[DOG BARKS.]
Oh, the dog needs to go out.
No, no, you don't have to.
I - I can do it.
- I got it! Hey! You miss me? Yeah.
Course you do.
[BEES BUZZING.]
Will? Yes, Dad? What do you have in the bag? Uh bees.
Were you gonna put bees in your mom's trunk? Uh Do you know what stewardship is, Will? Do you always have to talk to people like they're four years old? It means you take care of things, people.
Not because you should but because you can.
[DISTANT LAUGHTER AND CHATTER.]
See? Now Piglet won't stain the lawn.
Good boy, Piglet.
No one even lives here.
You do it because it's right.
Uh-huh.
You want to try it? It'll make you happy.
[JOANNE.]
Hey there, Mr.
Pickles.
See? It even has famous neighbors.
Hi, Joanne.
Isn't this a nice neighborhood to raise a family, Mr.
Pickles? Oh, it's a super-duper neighborhood for that.
Oh! Thank you.
And what's your name? Wait, let me guess.
Does it start with "Princess"? These houses were built on an old zoo that burned down.
The fire was started by a bunch of the crazy animals who wanted to escape.
They went wild, committed a bunch of crimes, murders, robberies.
But the worst crime of all was, they forgot to unlock the cage, and at night, you can always hear the penguins screaming.
[JOANNE.]
Okay, well, thanks, guys.
Hey, why don't we cruise around back? There's a swing set back there you kids would love.
[GIRL.]
What about the burnt penguins? What? Do you think I should get an apartment closer to the house? Mm, no.
Look.
Your mom and I She doesn't want me living in the house while she's processing her emotions, and, uh I-I respect that.
She did not leave you because Phil died.
She left you because you're a pussy.
Please don't use a bad word when you can use a good word.
Fine.
You're a vagina.
Ah, the P.
[SIGHS.]
I just got the P in P-Hound.
It means pussy pussy.
I think you're mistaking kindness for weakness, Will.
I'm gonna go the other way now.
I want you to donate those clothes like you said you would.
And I want you to come to dinner with your auntie and your grandpa at my place.
I don't want you to forget you have a family.
Oh, and don't try to teach me things, and, like, don't ever stare at me like that again.
I'm not that word.
I'm not the P word.
And change your outfit.
You look like Rosa Parks' bus driver.
Okay.
I'll see you at dinner.
Will! That was an excellent historical reference.
[ECCENTRIC MUSIC.]
[GRANDIOSE MUSIC.]
[JEFF ON TV.]
I'd like to point out to the committee that sometimes Mom, Dad's on TV again.
Well, that's sort of his job, Will.
- Idiot.
- Shut up, Phil.
Make me.
[WILL.]
Stop it, Phil! Stop it! Jesus Christ Jesus Christ Who are you? What have you sacrificed? Jesus Christ [WILL.]
Stop it.
I'm trying to watch Dad on the news.
Well, your father is an impressive man.
She means boring.
Jesus Christ - Superstar - Hey, quit it.
Phil, whatever you're doing, stop it, please.
- [HORN BLARES.]
- [TIRES SCREECHING.]
[HORN CONTINUES BLARING.]
[BLARING CONTINUES.]
[MAN.]
Go, asshole! Hey.
You're on my brother's grave.
Oh.
Yikes.
Can you smoke somewhere else? I guess, but I've been geeking out here since I was 12, man.
This is especially hallowed ground.
Can you move away from that headstone? I can't really move anywhere right now.
What are you gonna do with that? [GIGGLES.]
Bring him back to life? It was his.
He wanted to be a magician.
- We both did.
- Why? There's a lot of cool things you can do when you have an identical twin.
It's pretty neat, actually.
[BONG DUDE.]
Can I see that? Psh! - Psh! - What are you doing? Trying to make the lamps explode, but - I think it's broken.
- Okay, get the fuck off now.
Dude, chill.
Can't we all just get along? For the sake of, like, the world and its greater evils? [CAR DOOR OPENS.]
[SOFT MUSIC.]
[GASPS.]
Well, hello there, Soap Scum.
Oh, be careful.
I don't want you to stain my sweet new purple threads.
Purple's a girl's color, Mr.
Pickles.
Soap Scum.
Purple is the color of kings.
But you're not a king, Mr.
Pickles.
No, but I'm a daddy, and a daddy is like the king of the household.
And mommy is like the queen.
Boop.
[BELL RINGS.]
[SNIFFING.]
What? I had a soccer game.
What's going on with Maddy? Oh, she wouldn't eat her broccoli, so I gave her BO.
Early puberty's kicking her A.
[LAUGHS.]
How did you give her body odor? By starving her of basic hygiene.
Did you read that in a book somewhere? - Absolutely not.
- Oh.
Will is turning into Phil.
Fucking kids.
Sorry.
Friggin'.
[DYNAMIC MUSIC.]
You think I'm a pussy? Hmm? Snagglehorse smells like he's been ridden hard - and put away wet.
- We're not having sex - in the horse.
- We've only been in it for five minutes.
That's my daughter.
You're smelling her.
[SNIFFS.]
I'm not going to ask.
I hate you.
I need to show my family I'm feeling what they're feeling.
An acknowledgement.
We're swimming with stones in our pockets.
We need to take them out, or we'll never get back to the surface again.
Is this all about Jill? She tattooed Phil's name on her left breast.
Every woman deserves to feel sexy.
Two months after the accident, I left a conversation about whether or not we should even celebrate Christmas to go on TV, light the national tree, and wish America yule tidings.
- How does that make her feel? - Like you're a man.
And if she's holding that over your head, it's her problem.
Real women don't want to see your cry face.
They want concrete arms and a warm touch when apropos.
You do a show about death, children will run from the room in tears.
[GROANS SOFTLY.]
Bring in a live audience.
Do it now.
It's a bad idea.
You'll traumatize the kids.
Are you gonna hit me? Hit you? No.
Why would I want to hit you? Jeff sometimes when we think we're opening up, we're actually falling apart.
Will you please marinate on that? That truck blew through the light for a reason.
For some greater good.
And if that isn't true, then we can make it so.
We can make it mean something.
And what good is our power in the face of a senseless, random happening? If we shoot it today, we can air it tomorrow.
All right.
We'll air it tomorrow.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
- - [JEFF.]
Have you ever had to move? That can be a difficult time, can't it? It's hard when things change.
[FLY BUZZING.]
Leaving behind your old room, your old friends for a whole new school or even a whole new town.
Sometimes when you move, you might pack a donate box, and you put all your toys that you don't use anymore right in there and give them to children who will really use them.
But what if, when you get to your new home you discover that your favorite stuffed animal is missing? Someone put your stuffy in the box by accident.
How would you feel? Would you feel sad that you never got to say good-bye? Or would you feel okay because you know he's in a new home, a faraway home, laughing and playing and making other children happy? I had a son named Phil.
He was once your age.
He died.
So we put him in a box, and we buried him.
What does it mean to lose a thing You really want to stay? - Ooh - What if they sent Your favorite socks a million blocks away? If you knew they were warming someone else's feet - Hooray - Hooray Hooray Nothing you really love Can ever Go away - [MAN.]
There you go, Nate! - [BOY.]
Come on! Come on! [WOMAN.]
Great job, buddy! [WOMAN.]
Little pin, little pin.
[CHUCKLES.]
You wear the world's tiniest socks.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm serious.
One day, the cat's gonna choke on those.
We need to get you some new feet.
- [BOTH HUM.]
- [WATER RUNNING.]
Oh, no.
Leave it, Dee Dee.
No.
No, no, no.
No, she has to learn.
Aha, I told you.
No veggies, no bath time.
Open up.
Two bites.
Num-num.
No, Mom, no.
Maddy, open up before I shove it in there.
Open up.
Open up.
Here comes the carrot train.
Bus.
Choo-choo.
Honk, honk.
Mm-mm.
- Why not? - It's dirty.
- It fell on the floor.
- No, it didn't.
When? - Here you go.
Grab the bottom.
- Thanks, Daddy.
- You're welcome.
- Hey.
I saw you guys drive up.
You think Deirdre would want some? I had an uber-bloom.
I'll be right there, crazy face.
- Okay.
- Oh, Maddy.
Don't step on a crack.
You'll break someone's back.
Or something.
Mm, okay.
[SCOTT.]
What are you doing? Oh, my God, they smell great.
[PLAYFUL MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
Oh, my God.
[MOANS SOFTLY.]
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Don't forget to wash your hair.
[WATER RUNNING.]
[SOFT MUSIC.]
See? Was that so hard? [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Dad? Can you say grace? [DEIRDRE.]
Hold hands.
Once as a family.
[ALL.]
Grace.
Did you pre-butter this broccoli? Why do you get to decide how much butter I want? Good girl.
Eat your broccoli, Maddy.
[JEFF.]
How'd you do that, sis? - [DEIRDRE.]
What? - Get her to listen.
Everything I say to Will becomes, like, ammunition for a sigh.
Maddy, slow down.
Digest.
[DEIRDRE.]
It's easy.
I just think of everything we do on the show, and I come home and I do the exact opposite.
Whatever works, I guess.
Where's William? You promised me a William.
[BEES BUZZING.]
Happy anniversary.
[CLAY.]
Well, at last, we've reached our destination.
[JEFF.]
Snagglehorse and I like to take long trots through Confetti Canyon.
Why don't you come too, Pickle pals? And while we're walking, let's see if we can remember our colors.
Red.
[SHIMMERING MUSIC.]
Red is for the roses we give to those we love.
Purple.
Purple is for the tie your father wears to work.
Brown.
Brown is for the hair on Snagglehorse's hide.
[CLAY.]
Fuck me like you hate me.
[MOANS.]
[JEFF.]
Yellow is for the bumblebee going buzz, buzz, buzz.
- [BEES BUZZING.]
- [BONG DUDE.]
Oh, fuck.
This dude Eric got stung once on his nut, and it swelled up, and we had to put a special sock around it.
[GROANING.]
Oh, my God! Will, come on! And green? That's an easy one.
Green means "go, go, go.
" Of course we couldn't air it, Jeff.
The show can't change.
You can't change.
That's why you're still around.
That's why people still leave you alone with their kids.
The tie, the shirt, the haircut.
You're a minted image.
You're a trusted brand.
You don't put the pope in a Speedo, and you don't take the cream out of the Oreo.
You change one little thing, and you're going to force a conversation with the audience they don't want to have.
- [SHAVER BUZZING.]
- This isn't an episode about burying a hamster.
This thing happened to you, not to them.
We're in a fickle business ruled by an unwritten contract with the audience.
You are not a real person.
You're a man in a box.
You're a block of wood, and you like it that way.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
Oops.
[SEB.]
Otherwise, you're the about-to-be divorced father of a broken family, and nobody wants that guy in their living room.
Would you? [JOANNE.]
You already know the schools are excellent.
- [BEES BUZZING.]
- Oh! Ah! - [WILL.]
Oh, my God, they're everywhere.
- [BONG DUDE.]
Get the stupid bees off! [CASSIDY.]
I hate bees! [BEES BUZZING.]
[JOANNE.]
So what do you think? It's perfect.
I'll take it.
I'll go get the paperwork started.
[JILL LAUGHS.]
[JILL LAUGHING.]
[CHILDREN.]
You can feel Anything at all Anything at all You can feel it Happy, sad, big, or very small Anything at all, it's fine It's you who's doing the feeling And that makes it okay And if you don't know who you are yet You can feel Anyway You can feel feelings you don't know Feelings gotta grow, like feet So feel it And you can heal it