Kiff (2021) s01e01 Episode Script

1
(theme song plays)
CHORUS: Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ♪
Kiff-Kiff-Kiff! ♪
Kiff-Kiff-Kiff-Kiff! ♪
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff!
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ♪
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff!
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ♪
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ♪
Kiff! ♪
(giggle)
DILTON WIBBON: Brought to you
by Wibbon's Ribbons.
Looking for ribbons? Think Wibbon's!
First person to climb Mount Table?
Lady Jane Harness!
First person to fly planes at Bench Beach?
The Left Brothers!
First to swim the Agyeman Channel?
Erica Von Ant!
(chuckles) That's right, Kiff.
-(bell rings)
-How d'you remember the names
of all those people who did
all those first things?
Sweet, beautiful Barry,
those "people" are my future peers.
I'll be joining them soon, 'cause
(grunts)
I got a thirst to be the first ♪
To be the first is not the worst ♪
It's the best! ♪
No one remembers
The second person to climb ♪
The highest peak, no ♪
I got a thirst to be the first ♪
You're not forgotten
When you're the first ♪
Oh, that's right
I just rhymed first with first ♪
I'm the first to do that! ♪
I'm gonna be the first ♪
To keep my eyes open when I ♪
-Ah choo!
-Open when I sneeze ♪
I'm gonna be the first to do that ♪
Simultaneously while I am
The first to cure disease! ♪
You're gonna see! ♪
Big stuff is meant ♪
Big stuff is meant for me! ♪
I got big things!
Big is my destiny ♪
I got a thirst! ♪
I got a thirst to be the first ♪
person to drink from
the brand new water fountain
that's being installed.
(sad music playing)
We're gonna miss ya, Drippy.
Yep, there's nothing more important
than having your name
in the annals of Table Town
history one day.
And by "one day," I mean "tomorrow".
Principal Secretary!
Ready for the rehearsal?
Ready, ready, ready?
Oh, uh, hi Kiff, yes, um, listen.
Is this all really necessary?
You're just cutting a ribbon
and taking a sip.
Do we need a rehearsal?
(laughs) You crack me up, PS.
Obviously we're gonna need to rehearse.
I think we can all agree
that this is a huge deal.
(slurps)
(Kiff) Ahh!
Wow. Riveting stuff.
I'll see you tomorrow
for the real thing, Kiff.
Wanna take one last sip?
For old time's sake?
You go ahead.
I'm savin' my sip for tomorrow.
-(alarm rings)
-(sighs)
Today's the day. Let's do this.
Huh, that's weird.
Come on, Taily, quit slacking!
We're awake now!
Ah, well, uh, let's go make history!
(strains)
(grunts) Come on!
Glass of OJ, Kiffster?
No juice today, Dad!
I'm saving myself for a special sip.
(chuckles)
(loud thud)
Kiff, are you feeling all right?
Your tail's not looking so good.
Droop Tail is no joke!
I think you'd better stay home
from school today.
(dramatic music playing)
Mom, be reasonable!
Taily and I never felt better,
right, Taily?
Ah, yeah, Don't do this, Beryl!
Not today! (sobs)
Oh, I will do this today, Taily!
-(thud)
-I gotta get to work.
Martin, babe, make sure Kiff
gets plenty of rest
and stays home.
There. Now, if she tries to leave,
remember;
"Kiff is tricking you."
You got it, hun.
Cheer up, Kiff! You get the day off!
(whimsical music playing)
There is no way I'm missing the first sip.
The key to looking healthy
enough to go to school?
Rosy cheeks.
(grunts)
And lively fur.
(hairdryer continues in distance)
"Acorn Coma"? Holy cow
Buckets of Popcorn? Holy cow!
(yawns) Hoo boy,
when you're right, you're right.
That little bit o' rest cured me right up!
Kiffy, I'm so relieved
to hear you say that!
Uh-- You look, um.
Healthy.
A little too healthy
Which is great!
Nice try, buddy. Back to bed!
(line ringing)
(phone rings)
Where are you? I'm freaking out!
Barry! Listen to me.
I am a prisoner of some
new-age parenting fad
called "staying home
from school and resting
when you don't feel well."
You gotta help me sneak past my dad!
-Okay, okay, uh
-(Miss Deer Teacher) Buns?
Yes, um, present!
Chatterley?
Chatterley?
(Kiff) Quick, put me on speaker!
Present!
-Fox?
-(Candle Fox) Here.
(whispering) It worked!
That bought us some time.
Now listen carefully
-(phone rings)
-Y'ello?
(Barry) Hello. I'm, um,
Kiff's regular doctor.
Dr. Lyon, my mane man!
It's my medical opinion
that Kiff Chatterley
is in perfect health and should
be rushed to school post-haste.
Oh, my! Sure! (chuckles) What a relief.
Things are probably crazy
over there at the hospital, huh?
"Hospital"? I'm not at the hospital.
Oh, of course, you obviously
have a private practice.
A what? What are you implying?
(chuckles) Look at me, talking the ear off
of an honest, professional adult doctor.
Ah, I can't take it,
you're cracking me like an egg!
I'm not a doctor, I'm just a Barry.
I didn't mean to trick you, Mr. Martin.
Trick me?
Ah, nuts!
(Barry) I'm sorry, Kiff!
Bed!
(twittering)
(laughing)
(lips smacking) Sure could use
that first sip right now.
It's almost time!
(all) The first sip!
(tense music playing)
(music continues to play)
Well, that's it.
History will forget all about me,
so long as that fridge
keeps tattling and ruining
my brilliant schemes.
(gasps) Wait.
That's it! I don't need to outsmart Dad,
I need to outsmart the fridge!
If it isn't the Kiffster!
Up to another trick, no doubt.
Come on, let's hear it!
Dad! I really got ya! (laughs)
This whole time I never
even had Droop Tail!
(laughs) I've just been cast in a play
about a character with Droop Tail.
(laughs)
I'm a method actor.
Can I see some?
Why, Father?
Why didn't you want me climb
Mount Table that day?
You would crush my ambition
simply because I had a little
Droop Tail due to the altitude?
Don't do it, character's Father.
A cruel gust of wind bloweth!
(gasps)
(dramatic groan)
And scene.
That was amazing! Couple notes--
Whoa, look at the time!
This has been so helpful
but I really oughta get to school now.
Hold it right there.
You know I gotta run this past the fridge.
Okay, let's see
"Kiff is King Yo".
(laughs) You're my little king.
And I love "yo."
I love yo too, Dad!
Gotta dash!
(grunts)
(pants) He bought it.
And now to race to school
to make it just in time!
(cheering)
(chanting) First sip. First sip!
Master of ceremonies, reporting for duty!
(triumphant music playing)
(sighs) Let's make some history.
(dreamy music playing)
(music continue to play)
(music ends abruptly)
Kiff?
Fountain?
Okay. Maybe I'm not entirely up
to going to school today.
Hang on
I got a thirst to be the first ♪
I'm savin' my sip for tomorrow!
No juice today, Dad!
Sure could use that first sip right now
Thirst thirst Thirst!
What are you realizing down there, Kiff?
I don't have Droop Tail! I'm just thirsty!
(sighs)
Can't argue with Taily.
All right, kiddo, get to school!
Good luck on that play!
Ah, I missed it.
(Barry) Or did you?
What? Whoa!
Barry! What?
Oh, well
This is the first time
this has ever happened.
You're the best.
(chuckles)
Thanks, Bar! I know how hard
it must have been for you
to not finish that sandwich.
(Barry, mouth full) It was!
(Terri) Brought to you
by Dooley's Feather Barn.
If it's stinky, it's a Dooley's!
4:59 Five o'clock! It's time.
Sup, Kiff.
Barry! Your little friend is here!
(both) Sleepover night!
Gross.
I can't believe it's happening!
You're finally here!
Oh, she's been here for 45 minutes!
We saw you pacing out front.
I couldn't wait. Are you kidding me?
My first sleepover at the Buns house.
All my life,
I've dreamt of having siblings.
It's gonna be the best night of my life.
Of all of our lives.
Kiff, as a token of your
honorary Buns family status,
we have a little present for you.
(gasps)
Buns family sweater?
I am never taking it off. I'll swim in it.
It'll be my wedding dress.
Oop. Rookie mistake.
Hold on. What's with all the names?
Oh, those are all the previous owners.
First the sweater went to Harry,
then Terri.
I finally out-grew it last week
and my mom said
we could pass it down to you!
It's a hand-me-down.
Hand me don?
This is fascinating.
Yeah, anything can be handed down.
Sneakers, mattresses
Toys, eyeliner
Cellphones, bath water
I am reeling. Hand-me-downs.
I am just so excited to--
Wait, did you just say bath water?
(whispering)
I think you'd better follow me
Barry! Finish these potatoes!
Bar, what's going on?
Okay. Imagine this potato that looks like
it's wearing little headphones is Harry.
Oldest goes first.
Then you have Terri, this
entrepreneurial looking spud,
this handsome-but-doesn't-know-it
potato is me on the third step.
You're a little younger,
so this spunky Kiff tater
goes on step four.
And this cutie baby potato is Kristophe,
at the very bottom.
Now imagine this cup is the tub.
First Bath
Second Bath
Third Bath And then
And then my potato
just plops right in there
after all the others? To get clean?
Uh, how do you bath time at your house?
(jive music playing)
Oh, you know, tub, water, towel.
Look, Barry, I am a Buns now
and this is how we Buns do baths.
So I'll just take the Fourth Bath.
(dramatic music)
(loud rock music plays)
Hey, brother. Sick beats! (chuckles)
Say, how's about you and me do switchies
on the ol' tub-time tonight
Har? You-- you need a minute
to think about it, or--?
(pants) Okay, let's go back
to the potatoes.
Kiff, if you really wanna do switchies,
you're gotta switch one step at a time.
I think I get it. So then, Barry
-would you like to switch with--
-Ah-ah-ah!
if we're gonna make a deal,
we gotta do this right.
(Barry whispers indistinctly)
Before we begin,
would you like some water?
So
You have a proposal for me.
(slurps)
(slurps)
Yeah. Like I was saying before,
-I wanna switch bath times--
-Okay!
Wow, that really seemed like
it was setting up to be a whole thing.
But, thanks, Bar!
What was that? Oh, shoot, hold on.
Mm-hmm, right, I see that now. Yeah.
(sighs) They're telling me
that I caved too early.
and that I stink
at this high-stakes stuff.
No! Barry, you're nailing this.
What do you want?
What if I open this window for ya,
get a nice little breeze goin?
Yes!
That's how you close a deal, baby!
Thanks, Bar.
Good luck, Kiff! I love you!
(dramatic music)
Got the Third Bath. I'm on my way.
(grunts)
Oh. Hey, Kristophe.
I'll play with you and Farley later, okay?
(whimpers)
I don't have time to deal
with a fifth-bather right now.
Hey, girlie! Get in here!
I could potentially switch with you
if you'd be down to help me film
a teensy little video
for my channel first.
Yeah, sure, Terri.
Well, what kind of vide--
Hey, fans, it's your gurl,
Terri "Two Bowls",
back with another banger.
Today I have an awesome helper,
my brother's friend, Kiff Chatterley,
or shall we call her "Split Creamerley"?
(laughs)
Kiff, tell the viewers
what's in the bowls today.
Uh, I think it's ice cream?
Who is this video for?
Oh! Did everybody hear that?
Kiff just said "Who is this video for?"
Y'all know what that means!
Apple core, apple core
Apple core! ♪
Apple Core!
Sit on the floor! ♪
Tell me who this video's for! ♪
Okay, viewers, say when!
How can they say when?
Thanks again to Dooley's Feather Barn
for these amazing stinky feathers!
Guys, check them out
and use offer code "territwobowls"!
Drop the bowls and the deal's off!
-(groans)
-(dramatic music)
That was painful but worth it.
Harry-- I have the Second Bath.
I want to talk. Please!
Come on, just switch with me.
I'll roadie your DJ stuff for a month.
I'll do your algebra homework for a year.
I know what algebras are.
They're high school cooties.
No deal, Kiff.
You've come far,
but the switchies end here.
I'm filled with too much teen angst
to care about anything anymore.
Wow. I've never stared so deeply
into the teenage abyss before.
Once upon a time I did care,
about one special thing in particular.
But now that thing is gone.
Whoa-- is that Farley?
Is he a hand-me-don?
Be gone now, leave me
to my horrible teen thoughts!
Only six minutes left until bath time.
(groans) But I'm so close
to the First Bath!
Which leaves me no choice
Hey
(playful music playing)
Ahem, I'll just cut to the chase.
I'm trying to do switchies
for the First Bath slot,
and to do it I need, uh, Farley.
(dramatic music)
I see.
-How about I just borrow him
-(snarls)
Okay. Okay. Gotta improvise here.
(snarling continues)
Hey! Hey, you like candy? Huh? Want this?
Huh. Okay, you just want the wrapper.
You're an interesting guy, Kristophe.
Well, I'm just gonna place
this awesome wrapper here
And then Yoink!
(laughs)
Like giving candy to a baby.
(dramatic music)
(Kiff) Hey, Harry.
(dreamy music playing)
First Bath!
(playful music playing)
(dramatic music)
Well, well.
Look who got the First Bath after all.
(jive music playing)
(strong wind whistling)
(dramatic music)
(growls)
(gasps)
(screams)
Barry!
I can't work with the wind in my face!
Hey! My gentle breeze!
(dramatic music)
(all screaming)
(muffled screaming)
(gasps) Barry, are those
dinner potatoes on the floor?
(all yelling)
(muffled yelling)
(all yelling)
(clears throat)
Kiff, honey, why do you look dry?
We're losing water heat here,
go take your bath!
No, I-- I don't deserve to be
an honorary Buns.
I did whatever it took
to get to the First Bath,
and I destroyed your beautiful family
in the process.
I'll just hand this don
and catch a zipline home.
Goodbye forever, my sweet Bunses.
Kiff, what are you talking about, babe?
Yeah, geez, Kiff.
I'm the moody one.
There's a hierarchy here.
Please don't leave!
Wait-- I don't get it.
Aren't you all at each other's throats?
Well, yeah we're siblings. Doy!
This is honestly
a pretty tame night for us.
And you can all forgive me
for sowing the seeds of sibling rivalry
for my own benefit?
We've all been there.
Now you're really part of the family.
(giggles)
(dramatic music)
Ready for the Fifth Bath?
Ready, bro.
(chanting) Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff!
Who's my clean boy! Ooh!
(suspense music playing)
(groans)
(squeals)
(humming)
Bubbles!
(vocalizing continues)
(closing theme plays)