Killing It (2022) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1
[HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
♪ I know what you're thinking.
"This fucking guy," right? "Rich prick.
"I mean, damn, that kimono was made to be worn "for the highest-level state functions "of the emperor of Japan, and he's just loungin' around in that shit.
" Oh, look at that.
Spilled some osso buco on it.
Oh, well.
But let me be clear about this.
No one just hands you a royal kimono.
Nah.
I came from nothing.
People wanna say the American dream is dead.
Well, that's bullshit, because the story I'm about to tell you, my story, is one that can only happen in the U.
S.
of motherfucking A.
Are you even listening to me, Andrea? I thought you were on the phone.
I'm inspiring you with my personal journey.
This is a big deal for you, Andrea.
Pay attention! [DJ JAZZY JEFF'S "PARENTS JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND".]
[HIP-HOP BEATS.]
[HUFFS AND WHINES.]
Shut up.
They don't understand that us kids ♪ Are going to make some mistakes ♪ So to you, all the kids all across the land ♪ Get your ass in the store.
Parents just don't understand ♪ ♪ We were in here before.
We took some candy when you weren't looking.
♪ - I'm sorry.
- Damn right, you sorry.
We are a family that pays for what we get.
Okay.
It's just 30¢.
Oh, uh, we can't pay for these.
- [SNICKERS.]
- It's not funny.
You know I'm working towards something, Isaiah.
Nobody succeeds overnight.
You gotta put the time in.
Ask him.
Was it easy opening this place up? No.
It took years of hard work.
You see, boys? Years.
You just gotta keep the faith.
Dad.
- Dad! - What? We took more candy.
Give him the candy.
[WHINES.]
I'm proud of you, Craig.
Fucking snitch.
- [DOOR BELLS CHIME.]
- Ah! What's the combination, motherfucker? Stop fucking stalling! Be cool.
I didn't see anything.
[BOSS HOG'S "WINN COMA" PLAYING.]
[GUNSHOT.]
[GUNSHOT.]
So how did I get from there to the splendor and opulence I now inhabit? Wait, are you crying? Don't cry.
Oh, Mr.
Craig, it's so sad.
It's not sad.
It's inspiring.
No, it is sad.
Agree to disagree.
I lost my cousin when I was eight.
We're not talking about that now.
Andrea, this is a uplifting interaction.
[WHIMPERS.]
Cancer.
Andrea! [SLOW DRUM BEATS.]
♪ It's 4:00 a.
m.
Miami is asleep.
But me, I'm wide awake.
Why? Am I out at the clubs? Do I rise with the European markets? No.
I just really have to pee.
[LAUGHS.]
Pause for laughter.
Pause for laughter.
This is an all-too-familiar story for a man of over 40, 50, or even 60.
So what's the deal? Chances are, you're suffering from benign prostatic hyperplasia.
In other words, you have an enlarged prostate, son.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's too Black.
That's too Black.
In other words, you have an enlarged prostate, sir.
Frequent need, weak stream, post-urination dribbling This has to stop.
But luckily Nessa, up! I'm dropping you at your mom's.
I have to be at work early.
In a minute, Dad.
There's an all-natural supplement that's proven to work.
Saw palmetto berries.
Pharmaceutical companies are desperate for these berries.
But they only grow one place in the entire world.
Oh, shit! - What was that? - Is that an iguana? - Where did it come from? - [GROANS.]
[BIRD CAWING.]
It's 'cause of the cold.
They get stunned and start falling out of trees.
Toss him in a bush.
He'll warm up eventually.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
You wanna go ahead and grab that for me? I don't love reptiles Lizards, snakes, skinks.
- What's a skink? - I don't know what a skink is.
I'm not gonna look that shit up and scare myself.
Well, I'm not touching that.
Ugh.
I'ma try the wipers.
[WIPERS SQUEAK.]
[BOTH GROAN.]
Ugh! [GROANS.]
[GROANING.]
[SCREAMING.]
Damn it.
[SCREAMS.]
[SCREAMS.]
[CAR HONKS.]
It wasn't that big a deal.
That's 'cause you refused to touch it, Nessa.
Hey, Camille.
Marco.
Thank you for taking her.
I have to be in early because I'm actually applying for a business loan.
So I bought this suit.
Fits so nice, it looks like it was painted on.
[VOCALIZING.]
Yeah? Good.
That's what I was going for.
Oh, you just gonna walk away? Now you can't read my lips.
Boy, that Marco's sure gained some weight, hasn't he? He's calling me fat again.
This is family time, Marco.
You don't need to be here.
Good luck at your meeting, Dad.
Thank you, baby.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
♪ Craig, wow! I barely recognize you out of your guard uniform.
Love the suit.
I want you to know how serious I am about this.
- Can I just start? - Oh.
Okay.
- All business.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
It's 4:00 a.
m.
Miami is asleep.
I'm wide awake.
Why? Am I out at the club? Do I rise with the European markets? No.
I just really have to pee Wait, is this a pitch? - Are you applying for a loan? - Yeah.
I told Monica.
Did she not She just said you were coming in.
[LAUGHS.]
I thought it was about me going as Shaq for Halloween.
Why would I wanna come in early to talk to you about that? Somebody wrote a letter to corporate saying they were offended, and I assumed it was you, since you're the only Person I hadn't asked about it yet.
- It wasn't me.
- Because you're cool.
And for the record, I wasn't in blackface.
I had makeup on my arms and chest.
But the face was a mask.
I'm not stupid.
- I know the rules.
- Okay, so - can I still do my pitch? - Of course.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's hear it.
It's 4:00 a.
m.
Miami is asleep.
Me? I'm wide awake The whole thing is just so crazy.
I'm one of the least racist people you'll ever meet.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
[STAMMERS.]
Sorry, go on.
So why am I awake? Am I out at the clubs? I'm an advocate for Black people.
I hired you and Gloria.
- Gloria's not Black.
- Well, she's something.
Do I rise with the European markets I just gotta tell you, my favorite actor is Jamie Foxx.
I don't think you're racist, Mr.
Franks.
Thanks.
Thank you.
It's so important to me that you know that because I can't give you a loan.
Our default rate with borrowers from the Black community is just too high.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
What is your favorite Jamie Foxx movie? Mine's "Ray.
" So dope.
I can't believe that shit.
I mean, whose favorite movie is "Ray"? That's not what I meant, Isaiah.
I worked on that presentation for over a year.
Yeah, well, bosses are dicks.
That's why I'm self-employed.
Self-employed doing what? Doin' well enough to afford the new Kobes.
Pow! [SIGHS.]
You didn't answer the question.
Because I'm being intentionally vague.
Damn.
Learn to allow a little mystery in your life.
Maybe I'm looking at this all wrong.
- You know what Rita Gaines says? - Who the fuck is Rita Gaines? Famous entrepreneur.
She was on "Shark Tank.
" And she says, "Every red light turns green eventually.
" That's dumb as shit.
Look, I'm saying this as your brother.
This is your life, Cregory.
- You gotta take action.
- What kind of action? As soon as this lunch is over, I want you to walk into that guy's office, shut the door, and don't leave until he agrees to listen to your pitch The entire pitch.
- Fuck it.
You're right.
- Goddamn right, I'm right! I've worked there over six years.
- Six fucking years.
- They can give me ten minutes.
- He can give you 20.
- He cangive me 20.
- 20 grand.
- 20 grand! That's what the fuck I'm talkin' bout, Cre-gor-y! [BRASH HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
♪ What's up? Do we have a Mr.
Franks, I need $20,000 for a down payment on a piece of swampland, where I'm gonna grow saw palmetto berries and make a fuck ton of money.
Did you know that most older men suffer from enlarged prostates? Well, these berries shrink the prostate, improve urination, enhance hair growth, and boost libido.
Pharmaceutical companies are desperate for them, but they only grow one place in the world: coastal Flor [GUNSHOTS.]
[BOTH SCREAM.]
Everybody down! Down on the ground! We don't need no heroes.
I don't wanna put no bullets in the body.
Nobody move, nobody gets hu [SCREAMS.]
[GUNSHOT.]
I'm okay.
[WHISPERING.]
Go and hit the alarm.
[WHISPERING.]
But he's out there.
So what are you doing in here? I was my pitch! [SIGHS.]
Your gun's not even out.
- Oh, shit, I forgot I had it.
- All right! You know what time it is.
Give me that gun.
Pass the pistol.
Son of a bitch.
What? [LAUGHS.]
I have no idea what you talkin' about.
Oh, oh, you think all this cash is from a bank robbery.
It's not.
Crazy story [HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
- I just found it.
- You know I got fired, right? I lost my job 'cause of you! No, you lost your job 'cause you weren't where you were supposed to be.
'Cause you told me to go in the manager's office and shut the door.
That's on you! You shouldn't be taking advice from me.
I'm a known lowlife.
Take me and Dame.
He thinks I should get golden contact lenses, but I'm ignoring him because that man is trash.
They make you look like a wizard.
They make you bump into shit.
What happened to you, Zay? Huh? I knew about the scams and the fraud, but armed robbery? Seriously? Dad would be ashamed.
You're a disgrace to his name.
Hey, Dame, give us a second.
Oh, yeah, no doubt.
No doubt.
No doubt.
Shit.
Oh, sh Ow.
Fuck.
My bad, man.
I I'll fix that later, you know what I'm sayin'? Fuck with your periphery and shit.
My bad, man.
That dude's a fool.
You see him fall off the counter in the bank? [LAUGHS.]
So I need a new partner.
You're unemployed.
That's what you wanted to talk about? Yeah, why you think I sent Dame out the room? Because I touched a nerve with the stuff I said about Dad? Oh.
No, no.
No, no.
That didn't affect me at all.
'Cause you know who was a disgrace to Dad's name? Dad.
He achieved nothing.
He ain't own nothing.
He died with nothing.
But I did you dirty.
Here's 20 grand.
Go buy yourself some swampland.
Grow your damn dick berries.
Keep it.
I'll get my loan, and I'll do it the right way.
All right, Rita.
Let's go.
Power and glory.
It's 4:00 a.
m.
and Miami is asleep.
But me? I'm wide awake.
Why? Am I out at the clubs? Do I rise with the European markets? No.
I just really have to pee.
This is an all-too-familiar story for a man of 40, 50, or even 60.
You're suffering from benign prostatic hyperplasia.
In other words, you have an enlarged prostate, sir.
♪ What's your favorite Jamie Foxx movie? E-excuse me? My favorite of his, definitely "Collateral.
" You know what he's great in? The new "Annie.
" "Django" is fucking rad.
They should teach that shit in schools.
[SIGHS.]
Bathroom is here.
Towels are clean.
What else? Uh, don't tell anyone I'm renting my place.
It's not really allowed.
Oh.
Just here visiting family.
I don't even think I'll be around much.
Okay, cool.
Well, I gotta get to the airport.
I'm going to New York for a business meeting.
Right on, man.
Enjoy the Big Apple.
- All right.
- All right.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
♪ [SIGHS.]
♪ [INDISTINCT RADIO BROADCAST.]
- [KNOCKING ON WINDOW.]
- What the hell? [LAUGHS.]
Hey! Hey, what y'all doin' here? Uh, yeah, I remember.
Why do you think I'm at the car already? Pfft.
Am I living in here? What, a man can't cook breakfast in his own car without living in it? [GRUNTS.]
I have a friend in town.
I gave him my bed.
Damn.
[CELL PHONE RINGS.]
Oh, shoot! Phone call.
Gotta cut this conversation short.
I will take Vanessa to school, though.
Oh, shit, it's a loan officer.
Foster Group.
Craig Foster speaking.
Hi, my name is Donald Assarian.
I'm from First Florida Federated.
Hello, Mr.
Assarian.
How can I help you? I came across your application on my boss' desk.
He wasn't interested because you're Well, the point is, I think it's an interesting proposal.
Any chance you could take me by to see the plot you're looking at? Absolutely.
What's a good time for you? Could you meet me there in an hour? Perfect.
Yes, I'll see you there.
Thank you so much, Mr.
Assarian.
Are you getting the loan? I'm getting the loan! [LAUGHS.]
Well, it's not for sure yet.
He's gotta see the property first.
Oh.
My suit.
I gotta get my special suit.
Yo, sorry I can't take Vanessa.
I know.
I know.
I know.
I know.
But this is the moment my life has been building up to.
It's my dream.
And it's the only way I can make it happen.
I wanted to help grieving families cover the myriad costs of burying a pet.
That was a good idea.
Until everybody got smartphones.
It's all the same! It's one dream.
It's one fucking dream.
[DRAMATIC HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
I'm sorry.
But I really think this is the one.
♪ Also, since you followed me in here, I do not have a friend over.
That was obviously a lie.
I'm making some extra money by renting my apartment out to strangers.
I never, ever do this when Vanessa's here, okay? I swear to you, Camille.
Also, this guy is cool.
I'm a great judge of character.
I'm not just gonna let anybody up in - [MOANING.]
- What the fuck? [MUFFLED.]
What the fuck? The fuck? I know.
I know.
Hey.
I'm sorry.
I'm embarrassed.
[SIGHS.]
I'm sorry.
But everything's gonna be different after today.
I'ma get this loan.
It's all gonna be different.
I promise.
But right now, I gotta go.
Okay? I can't miss this.
This Shit! My sausages! I called the fire department.
Good, good.
That was smart.
So can you take me Right, let's go.
[SIGHS.]
Uber, yeah.
That's a good idea.
Ah, come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
Jillian G.
Mercedes Benz.
[SIRENS WAILING.]
[ENGINE SPUTTERING.]
Craig? - Yeah.
- Hey.
I'm Jillian.
This is my Mercedes! [RHYTHMIC HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
♪ You don't have to worry.
I'm not one of those weird Uber drivers that doesn't talk.
Kay.
♪ Are you from around here? - Yes.
- I'm from Australia.
♪ Have you ever seen the movie "Grease"? Yeah.
Well, here's a little secret for you.
Olivia Newton-John is from Australia.
Sandy? She played Sandy.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
I know who you're talking about.
Have you ever heard of Nicole Kidman? [CELL PHONE RINGS.]
Oh, I'm sorry.
I gotta take this.
She's Australian too.
What? No "hello"? I see how it is.
Well, you're about to feel real bad about being a dick because I'm calling to offer you a job.
What kind of job? A legal job? That's a good question, Cregory.
Let me run it up the ladder to my HR guy.
Get Dame to do it.
Nah, he's unavailable.
He had a little mishap on account of those dumbass wizard lenses.
- [TRUCK HORN BLARES.]
- [SCREAMS.]
Look, man, I'm just trying to do your poor ass a favor.
- Just let me know if you're in.
- I'm not in.
My poor ass doesn't need any favors.
As it so happens, I'm on my way to a business meeting right now.
So thank you, and go fuck yourself.
Just call me after when it doesn't work out.
Go fuck yourself.
You're a businessman.
Very cool.
My father moved here to be a businessman.
And then he died.
- Sorry to hear that.
- It's all right.
It was sort of the best age to lose your dad As a teenager.
So what's this big meeting? [SIGHS.]
I'm trying to buy some land so I could start a saw palmetto farm.
- It's complicated.
- Wow.
I wish I was good at business.
I'm way in debt, which is crazy, because I have so many jobs.
I Uber.
I Lyft.
I TaskRabbit.
I get paid by creeps online to watch me eat bananas.
I do a little elder care oh, shit! What? Wh-wh-what? [TIRES SQUEAL.]
[SIGHS.]
Sorry, I just have to do one thing real quick.
- No, I have a meeting.
- I know.
But this will just take one second.
- Please? - [SIGHS.]
- Pretty please? - Fine, fine, fine.
Great.
What's the hammer for? Hammering.
Be right back.
[YELLS.]
What the fuck? [YELLING.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
♪ Nearly done! Just wrapping up! Oh, shit! Fuck you! Ah! - Oh, shit! - Ah! [GRUNTING.]
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Hey, I'm just gonna get another Uber.
No, no, no.
I'm done! I'm done.
[PANTING.]
[GRUNTING.]
♪ Would you mind sliding down a tad? I'm gonna need a little room for this guy.
[SCREAMS.]
No, no, no, no, no, no! No! No! No! So you're probably wondering about the snake.
Yeah, I'm wondering about the fucking snake.
That's exactly what I'm wondering about, Jillian G.
It's all completely above board.
The state of Florida pays me to do this job.
Check it out.
I've got a pamphlet.
Ten years ago, there was a trend for people to get Burmese pythons as pets.
They start out really cute.
- That can't be true.
- It is.
But then they got too big, so everyone drove their snakes out to the swamps and set them free, but they're not from here, so nothing eats them, but they eat everything.
- Birds - Okay.
- Alligators - Damn.
- Even other snakes.
- Nasty.
It's an ecological disaster.
So the state pays removal agents 100 bucks for every dead python we bring in.
It's a quick and easy way to earn some extra cash.
Didn't seem easy.
They're not poisonous.
They're really slow.
They're like big hot dogs that can bite you or squeeze you to death.
But also, they can kind of smile.
You know, this has been very informative and all that, but you think we hey! Hey! It's alive! You didn't kill it! [PYTHON HISSES.]
- Shit! - Okay.
- Okay, okay.
- [SCREAMS.]
- Fuck! - Stay calm! Just remember! It's more scared than you are! [SCREAMS.]
That motherfucker's not scared at all! That must be the brain damage.
Sometimes they lose all sense of reason.
- [SCREAMING.]
- Grab its neck! That doesn't help.
It's all neck! [BOTH SCREAM.]
Shit! Shit! - [SCREAMING.]
- Get off me! - Hold on.
Hold on.
- Get off me! - Ow! - Sorry! [TIRES SQUEALING.]
Sorry! - Ow! - Sorry! Shit! [BOTH SCREAMING.]
- Ow, shit! - [SCREAMING.]
- Watch the road! - [SCREAMING.]
- The window won't kill it! - [SCREAMING.]
- Shit! - Oh, shit! [RHYTHMIC DRUM BEATS.]
Okay, so I kind of feel like I owe you an apology.
You were right.
The window thing worked.
You killed the snake! That's not what you should be apologizing for, Jillian G.
What do you think I should be sorry about? Everything! The generalities of this whole situation.
Okay, but the window thing was super smart.
So many people overlook the cerebral aspect of snake-killing.
Hey, would you ever wanna team up? Your brains, my hammer? I just wanna get to my meeting.
Does your car still drive? Oh, yeah, for sure.
I'll just throw it in reverse and get you there in no time.
My special suit.
I can't show up looking like this.
Not a problem.
I have clothes you could change into.
- Do you live in there? - Yeah, it's great.
I got a bed.
I got a couple garbage bags with my things.
That's pretty much it.
Where do you go to the bathroom? Starbucks.
- It's actually awesome.
- It is? Does your bathroom get cleaned twice a day? Look, this is very nice and more than a little bleak, but I don't think you have anything in there that'll fit me.
Oh, really? - What the hell is that? - My graduation gown.
Florida School of Excellence, class of '07.
Go Titties! The old mascot was racist, so they let the students vote on a new one.
That color does really pop on you.
Quick tip, though stay in the shade because that fabric melts in the sun and it will burn your skin.
[ENGINE SPUTTERING.]
Mr.
Assarian.
I'm Craig.
- What are you wearing? - This? Oh, it's a, uh it's a gown.
Standard business casual gown.
Look, I have a presentation for you, okay? - Yeah.
- Okay.
It's 4:00 a.
m.
Miami is asleep.
But I'm wide awake.
Why? Am I out at the clubs? Do I rise with the European markets? No.
I just really have to pee.
[MOSQUITO BUZZING.]
This is a all-too-familiar-story for a man of over 40, 50, or even 60.
What's the deal? What's, uh, the deal? [WATCH TICKING.]
Okay.
Look, I know this seems crazy.
I'm late.
I show up in a billboard.
When I was a kid, my dad told me if I worked hard, I could make it.
I could become rich.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
"It won't be easy," he said, "but you just gotta have faith.
" And then he died.
He wasn't rich.
He wasn't anything.
But I carried on his dream.
I just thought that, you know, if I could prove him right, then his life would've meant something.
His death would've meant something.
And I waited and I worked through setback after setback, and it's just getting so damn hard.
And I just wanted a sign Anything to tell me to keep going.
So when you called this morning out of nowhere, that's what I'd been waiting for.
It was like the heavens opened up and I could hear the angels singing.
So now, if you say no, it's not just that I won't get to start my new business.
This is everything I've ever believed in.
So I'm asking you, please, reward my faith.
Fuck him.
That guy's a dick.
Do you mind if we make a quick pit stop? I feel like I'm going above and beyond here in my role as Uber passenger.
Okay, I didn't wanna ruin the surprise, but I'm gonna give you the 100 bucks to invest in your business.
What? Why? Do you know why my graduation gown wasn't melted? I assumed because you were sittin' in the shade or whatever.
[LAUGHS.]
There's no shade at the Florida School of Excellence.
Wake up, man! I didn't graduate.
Remember when I said 16 was a good age to have your dad die? It wasn't.
I tricked you.
I kind of stopped going to school after that Stopped really doing anything.
Things have been tough since then, and I don't know, I just don't like to see anyone else give up.
Well, I appreciate it, Jillian G, but 100 bucks ain't gonna do shit for me.
It might be 110.
They pay by the foot.
So if you pull the skin away from the meat I need $20,000.
Okay? So keep your money.
I'm done.
Okay.
Well, I guess I better go find someone else - to help me with this, then.
- Yeah.
♪ [SIGHS.]
Hey.
How'd the big business meeting go? You swimmin' in dick berries? No.
Look.
I'm calling to see if you still have that job opening available for me.
The illegal one? The crime I'm doing? I thought we were being cagey about this.
Oh, no, that was before I had a chance to rub your moral downfall in your face.
It's not a moral downfall.
Oh, it is.
We're gonna do such fucked up stuff together.
Hey, you think you're in my head? I know what you're doing Standin' out here.
It ain't gonna work.
What the fuck are you talkin' about? Oh, you think we're gonna be intimidated 'cause you got a 14-footer? Think that makes you the favorite? Well, guess what? My boy and I are gonna eat your fucking ass.
Dad.
Yeah, we're gonna be eatin' out on your ass all day long.
- Dad! - What, Corby? What? We're gonna eat his ass? Yeah, well, we're gonna We're gonna kick his ass You know what I meant, okay? Boy, I'm havin' a showdown here.
A man's showdown.
Don't undermine me.
Um, sorry, excuse me.
- What are you talkin' about? - The contest.
The Florida Python Challenge.
It starts tomorrow.
30 days.
Whoever kills the most snakes gets a grand prize.
- What kind of grand prize? - Cash.
How much cash? $20,000.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
Zay, I gotta go.
♪ [QUINCY JONES' "MONEY IS".]
♪ I got a PhD in how to make ends meet ♪ I graduated from the college in the street ♪ Inflation in the nation don't bother me ♪ 'Cause I'm a scholar when it comes ♪ To the almighty dollar ♪ Money, money, money, money is ♪ Money's on my mind ♪ Money, money, money moves me ♪ I even like the money sign ♪ I'm so mean with the green ♪ I make a dollar want to holler ♪ Make a mark want to bark ♪ Make a pound want to frown ♪ Money, money, money, money is ♪ Money's on my mind ♪ Ain't no such thing as dirty money ♪ The rich folks know what I mean ♪ And money ain't got no smell ♪ Let me tell you ♪ How some green can keep you clean ♪
♪ I know what you're thinking.
"This fucking guy," right? "Rich prick.
"I mean, damn, that kimono was made to be worn "for the highest-level state functions "of the emperor of Japan, and he's just loungin' around in that shit.
" Oh, look at that.
Spilled some osso buco on it.
Oh, well.
But let me be clear about this.
No one just hands you a royal kimono.
Nah.
I came from nothing.
People wanna say the American dream is dead.
Well, that's bullshit, because the story I'm about to tell you, my story, is one that can only happen in the U.
S.
of motherfucking A.
Are you even listening to me, Andrea? I thought you were on the phone.
I'm inspiring you with my personal journey.
This is a big deal for you, Andrea.
Pay attention! [DJ JAZZY JEFF'S "PARENTS JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND".]
[HIP-HOP BEATS.]
[HUFFS AND WHINES.]
Shut up.
They don't understand that us kids ♪ Are going to make some mistakes ♪ So to you, all the kids all across the land ♪ Get your ass in the store.
Parents just don't understand ♪ ♪ We were in here before.
We took some candy when you weren't looking.
♪ - I'm sorry.
- Damn right, you sorry.
We are a family that pays for what we get.
Okay.
It's just 30¢.
Oh, uh, we can't pay for these.
- [SNICKERS.]
- It's not funny.
You know I'm working towards something, Isaiah.
Nobody succeeds overnight.
You gotta put the time in.
Ask him.
Was it easy opening this place up? No.
It took years of hard work.
You see, boys? Years.
You just gotta keep the faith.
Dad.
- Dad! - What? We took more candy.
Give him the candy.
[WHINES.]
I'm proud of you, Craig.
Fucking snitch.
- [DOOR BELLS CHIME.]
- Ah! What's the combination, motherfucker? Stop fucking stalling! Be cool.
I didn't see anything.
[BOSS HOG'S "WINN COMA" PLAYING.]
[GUNSHOT.]
[GUNSHOT.]
So how did I get from there to the splendor and opulence I now inhabit? Wait, are you crying? Don't cry.
Oh, Mr.
Craig, it's so sad.
It's not sad.
It's inspiring.
No, it is sad.
Agree to disagree.
I lost my cousin when I was eight.
We're not talking about that now.
Andrea, this is a uplifting interaction.
[WHIMPERS.]
Cancer.
Andrea! [SLOW DRUM BEATS.]
♪ It's 4:00 a.
m.
Miami is asleep.
But me, I'm wide awake.
Why? Am I out at the clubs? Do I rise with the European markets? No.
I just really have to pee.
[LAUGHS.]
Pause for laughter.
Pause for laughter.
This is an all-too-familiar story for a man of over 40, 50, or even 60.
So what's the deal? Chances are, you're suffering from benign prostatic hyperplasia.
In other words, you have an enlarged prostate, son.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's too Black.
That's too Black.
In other words, you have an enlarged prostate, sir.
Frequent need, weak stream, post-urination dribbling This has to stop.
But luckily Nessa, up! I'm dropping you at your mom's.
I have to be at work early.
In a minute, Dad.
There's an all-natural supplement that's proven to work.
Saw palmetto berries.
Pharmaceutical companies are desperate for these berries.
But they only grow one place in the entire world.
Oh, shit! - What was that? - Is that an iguana? - Where did it come from? - [GROANS.]
[BIRD CAWING.]
It's 'cause of the cold.
They get stunned and start falling out of trees.
Toss him in a bush.
He'll warm up eventually.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
You wanna go ahead and grab that for me? I don't love reptiles Lizards, snakes, skinks.
- What's a skink? - I don't know what a skink is.
I'm not gonna look that shit up and scare myself.
Well, I'm not touching that.
Ugh.
I'ma try the wipers.
[WIPERS SQUEAK.]
[BOTH GROAN.]
Ugh! [GROANS.]
[GROANING.]
[SCREAMING.]
Damn it.
[SCREAMS.]
[SCREAMS.]
[CAR HONKS.]
It wasn't that big a deal.
That's 'cause you refused to touch it, Nessa.
Hey, Camille.
Marco.
Thank you for taking her.
I have to be in early because I'm actually applying for a business loan.
So I bought this suit.
Fits so nice, it looks like it was painted on.
[VOCALIZING.]
Yeah? Good.
That's what I was going for.
Oh, you just gonna walk away? Now you can't read my lips.
Boy, that Marco's sure gained some weight, hasn't he? He's calling me fat again.
This is family time, Marco.
You don't need to be here.
Good luck at your meeting, Dad.
Thank you, baby.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
♪ Craig, wow! I barely recognize you out of your guard uniform.
Love the suit.
I want you to know how serious I am about this.
- Can I just start? - Oh.
Okay.
- All business.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
It's 4:00 a.
m.
Miami is asleep.
I'm wide awake.
Why? Am I out at the club? Do I rise with the European markets? No.
I just really have to pee Wait, is this a pitch? - Are you applying for a loan? - Yeah.
I told Monica.
Did she not She just said you were coming in.
[LAUGHS.]
I thought it was about me going as Shaq for Halloween.
Why would I wanna come in early to talk to you about that? Somebody wrote a letter to corporate saying they were offended, and I assumed it was you, since you're the only Person I hadn't asked about it yet.
- It wasn't me.
- Because you're cool.
And for the record, I wasn't in blackface.
I had makeup on my arms and chest.
But the face was a mask.
I'm not stupid.
- I know the rules.
- Okay, so - can I still do my pitch? - Of course.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's hear it.
It's 4:00 a.
m.
Miami is asleep.
Me? I'm wide awake The whole thing is just so crazy.
I'm one of the least racist people you'll ever meet.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
[STAMMERS.]
Sorry, go on.
So why am I awake? Am I out at the clubs? I'm an advocate for Black people.
I hired you and Gloria.
- Gloria's not Black.
- Well, she's something.
Do I rise with the European markets I just gotta tell you, my favorite actor is Jamie Foxx.
I don't think you're racist, Mr.
Franks.
Thanks.
Thank you.
It's so important to me that you know that because I can't give you a loan.
Our default rate with borrowers from the Black community is just too high.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
What is your favorite Jamie Foxx movie? Mine's "Ray.
" So dope.
I can't believe that shit.
I mean, whose favorite movie is "Ray"? That's not what I meant, Isaiah.
I worked on that presentation for over a year.
Yeah, well, bosses are dicks.
That's why I'm self-employed.
Self-employed doing what? Doin' well enough to afford the new Kobes.
Pow! [SIGHS.]
You didn't answer the question.
Because I'm being intentionally vague.
Damn.
Learn to allow a little mystery in your life.
Maybe I'm looking at this all wrong.
- You know what Rita Gaines says? - Who the fuck is Rita Gaines? Famous entrepreneur.
She was on "Shark Tank.
" And she says, "Every red light turns green eventually.
" That's dumb as shit.
Look, I'm saying this as your brother.
This is your life, Cregory.
- You gotta take action.
- What kind of action? As soon as this lunch is over, I want you to walk into that guy's office, shut the door, and don't leave until he agrees to listen to your pitch The entire pitch.
- Fuck it.
You're right.
- Goddamn right, I'm right! I've worked there over six years.
- Six fucking years.
- They can give me ten minutes.
- He can give you 20.
- He cangive me 20.
- 20 grand.
- 20 grand! That's what the fuck I'm talkin' bout, Cre-gor-y! [BRASH HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
♪ What's up? Do we have a Mr.
Franks, I need $20,000 for a down payment on a piece of swampland, where I'm gonna grow saw palmetto berries and make a fuck ton of money.
Did you know that most older men suffer from enlarged prostates? Well, these berries shrink the prostate, improve urination, enhance hair growth, and boost libido.
Pharmaceutical companies are desperate for them, but they only grow one place in the world: coastal Flor [GUNSHOTS.]
[BOTH SCREAM.]
Everybody down! Down on the ground! We don't need no heroes.
I don't wanna put no bullets in the body.
Nobody move, nobody gets hu [SCREAMS.]
[GUNSHOT.]
I'm okay.
[WHISPERING.]
Go and hit the alarm.
[WHISPERING.]
But he's out there.
So what are you doing in here? I was my pitch! [SIGHS.]
Your gun's not even out.
- Oh, shit, I forgot I had it.
- All right! You know what time it is.
Give me that gun.
Pass the pistol.
Son of a bitch.
What? [LAUGHS.]
I have no idea what you talkin' about.
Oh, oh, you think all this cash is from a bank robbery.
It's not.
Crazy story [HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
- I just found it.
- You know I got fired, right? I lost my job 'cause of you! No, you lost your job 'cause you weren't where you were supposed to be.
'Cause you told me to go in the manager's office and shut the door.
That's on you! You shouldn't be taking advice from me.
I'm a known lowlife.
Take me and Dame.
He thinks I should get golden contact lenses, but I'm ignoring him because that man is trash.
They make you look like a wizard.
They make you bump into shit.
What happened to you, Zay? Huh? I knew about the scams and the fraud, but armed robbery? Seriously? Dad would be ashamed.
You're a disgrace to his name.
Hey, Dame, give us a second.
Oh, yeah, no doubt.
No doubt.
No doubt.
Shit.
Oh, sh Ow.
Fuck.
My bad, man.
I I'll fix that later, you know what I'm sayin'? Fuck with your periphery and shit.
My bad, man.
That dude's a fool.
You see him fall off the counter in the bank? [LAUGHS.]
So I need a new partner.
You're unemployed.
That's what you wanted to talk about? Yeah, why you think I sent Dame out the room? Because I touched a nerve with the stuff I said about Dad? Oh.
No, no.
No, no.
That didn't affect me at all.
'Cause you know who was a disgrace to Dad's name? Dad.
He achieved nothing.
He ain't own nothing.
He died with nothing.
But I did you dirty.
Here's 20 grand.
Go buy yourself some swampland.
Grow your damn dick berries.
Keep it.
I'll get my loan, and I'll do it the right way.
All right, Rita.
Let's go.
Power and glory.
It's 4:00 a.
m.
and Miami is asleep.
But me? I'm wide awake.
Why? Am I out at the clubs? Do I rise with the European markets? No.
I just really have to pee.
This is an all-too-familiar story for a man of 40, 50, or even 60.
You're suffering from benign prostatic hyperplasia.
In other words, you have an enlarged prostate, sir.
♪ What's your favorite Jamie Foxx movie? E-excuse me? My favorite of his, definitely "Collateral.
" You know what he's great in? The new "Annie.
" "Django" is fucking rad.
They should teach that shit in schools.
[SIGHS.]
Bathroom is here.
Towels are clean.
What else? Uh, don't tell anyone I'm renting my place.
It's not really allowed.
Oh.
Just here visiting family.
I don't even think I'll be around much.
Okay, cool.
Well, I gotta get to the airport.
I'm going to New York for a business meeting.
Right on, man.
Enjoy the Big Apple.
- All right.
- All right.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
♪ [SIGHS.]
♪ [INDISTINCT RADIO BROADCAST.]
- [KNOCKING ON WINDOW.]
- What the hell? [LAUGHS.]
Hey! Hey, what y'all doin' here? Uh, yeah, I remember.
Why do you think I'm at the car already? Pfft.
Am I living in here? What, a man can't cook breakfast in his own car without living in it? [GRUNTS.]
I have a friend in town.
I gave him my bed.
Damn.
[CELL PHONE RINGS.]
Oh, shoot! Phone call.
Gotta cut this conversation short.
I will take Vanessa to school, though.
Oh, shit, it's a loan officer.
Foster Group.
Craig Foster speaking.
Hi, my name is Donald Assarian.
I'm from First Florida Federated.
Hello, Mr.
Assarian.
How can I help you? I came across your application on my boss' desk.
He wasn't interested because you're Well, the point is, I think it's an interesting proposal.
Any chance you could take me by to see the plot you're looking at? Absolutely.
What's a good time for you? Could you meet me there in an hour? Perfect.
Yes, I'll see you there.
Thank you so much, Mr.
Assarian.
Are you getting the loan? I'm getting the loan! [LAUGHS.]
Well, it's not for sure yet.
He's gotta see the property first.
Oh.
My suit.
I gotta get my special suit.
Yo, sorry I can't take Vanessa.
I know.
I know.
I know.
I know.
But this is the moment my life has been building up to.
It's my dream.
And it's the only way I can make it happen.
I wanted to help grieving families cover the myriad costs of burying a pet.
That was a good idea.
Until everybody got smartphones.
It's all the same! It's one dream.
It's one fucking dream.
[DRAMATIC HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
I'm sorry.
But I really think this is the one.
♪ Also, since you followed me in here, I do not have a friend over.
That was obviously a lie.
I'm making some extra money by renting my apartment out to strangers.
I never, ever do this when Vanessa's here, okay? I swear to you, Camille.
Also, this guy is cool.
I'm a great judge of character.
I'm not just gonna let anybody up in - [MOANING.]
- What the fuck? [MUFFLED.]
What the fuck? The fuck? I know.
I know.
Hey.
I'm sorry.
I'm embarrassed.
[SIGHS.]
I'm sorry.
But everything's gonna be different after today.
I'ma get this loan.
It's all gonna be different.
I promise.
But right now, I gotta go.
Okay? I can't miss this.
This Shit! My sausages! I called the fire department.
Good, good.
That was smart.
So can you take me Right, let's go.
[SIGHS.]
Uber, yeah.
That's a good idea.
Ah, come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
Jillian G.
Mercedes Benz.
[SIRENS WAILING.]
[ENGINE SPUTTERING.]
Craig? - Yeah.
- Hey.
I'm Jillian.
This is my Mercedes! [RHYTHMIC HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
♪ You don't have to worry.
I'm not one of those weird Uber drivers that doesn't talk.
Kay.
♪ Are you from around here? - Yes.
- I'm from Australia.
♪ Have you ever seen the movie "Grease"? Yeah.
Well, here's a little secret for you.
Olivia Newton-John is from Australia.
Sandy? She played Sandy.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
I know who you're talking about.
Have you ever heard of Nicole Kidman? [CELL PHONE RINGS.]
Oh, I'm sorry.
I gotta take this.
She's Australian too.
What? No "hello"? I see how it is.
Well, you're about to feel real bad about being a dick because I'm calling to offer you a job.
What kind of job? A legal job? That's a good question, Cregory.
Let me run it up the ladder to my HR guy.
Get Dame to do it.
Nah, he's unavailable.
He had a little mishap on account of those dumbass wizard lenses.
- [TRUCK HORN BLARES.]
- [SCREAMS.]
Look, man, I'm just trying to do your poor ass a favor.
- Just let me know if you're in.
- I'm not in.
My poor ass doesn't need any favors.
As it so happens, I'm on my way to a business meeting right now.
So thank you, and go fuck yourself.
Just call me after when it doesn't work out.
Go fuck yourself.
You're a businessman.
Very cool.
My father moved here to be a businessman.
And then he died.
- Sorry to hear that.
- It's all right.
It was sort of the best age to lose your dad As a teenager.
So what's this big meeting? [SIGHS.]
I'm trying to buy some land so I could start a saw palmetto farm.
- It's complicated.
- Wow.
I wish I was good at business.
I'm way in debt, which is crazy, because I have so many jobs.
I Uber.
I Lyft.
I TaskRabbit.
I get paid by creeps online to watch me eat bananas.
I do a little elder care oh, shit! What? Wh-wh-what? [TIRES SQUEAL.]
[SIGHS.]
Sorry, I just have to do one thing real quick.
- No, I have a meeting.
- I know.
But this will just take one second.
- Please? - [SIGHS.]
- Pretty please? - Fine, fine, fine.
Great.
What's the hammer for? Hammering.
Be right back.
[YELLS.]
What the fuck? [YELLING.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
♪ Nearly done! Just wrapping up! Oh, shit! Fuck you! Ah! - Oh, shit! - Ah! [GRUNTING.]
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Hey, I'm just gonna get another Uber.
No, no, no.
I'm done! I'm done.
[PANTING.]
[GRUNTING.]
♪ Would you mind sliding down a tad? I'm gonna need a little room for this guy.
[SCREAMS.]
No, no, no, no, no, no! No! No! No! So you're probably wondering about the snake.
Yeah, I'm wondering about the fucking snake.
That's exactly what I'm wondering about, Jillian G.
It's all completely above board.
The state of Florida pays me to do this job.
Check it out.
I've got a pamphlet.
Ten years ago, there was a trend for people to get Burmese pythons as pets.
They start out really cute.
- That can't be true.
- It is.
But then they got too big, so everyone drove their snakes out to the swamps and set them free, but they're not from here, so nothing eats them, but they eat everything.
- Birds - Okay.
- Alligators - Damn.
- Even other snakes.
- Nasty.
It's an ecological disaster.
So the state pays removal agents 100 bucks for every dead python we bring in.
It's a quick and easy way to earn some extra cash.
Didn't seem easy.
They're not poisonous.
They're really slow.
They're like big hot dogs that can bite you or squeeze you to death.
But also, they can kind of smile.
You know, this has been very informative and all that, but you think we hey! Hey! It's alive! You didn't kill it! [PYTHON HISSES.]
- Shit! - Okay.
- Okay, okay.
- [SCREAMS.]
- Fuck! - Stay calm! Just remember! It's more scared than you are! [SCREAMS.]
That motherfucker's not scared at all! That must be the brain damage.
Sometimes they lose all sense of reason.
- [SCREAMING.]
- Grab its neck! That doesn't help.
It's all neck! [BOTH SCREAM.]
Shit! Shit! - [SCREAMING.]
- Get off me! - Hold on.
Hold on.
- Get off me! - Ow! - Sorry! [TIRES SQUEALING.]
Sorry! - Ow! - Sorry! Shit! [BOTH SCREAMING.]
- Ow, shit! - [SCREAMING.]
- Watch the road! - [SCREAMING.]
- The window won't kill it! - [SCREAMING.]
- Shit! - Oh, shit! [RHYTHMIC DRUM BEATS.]
Okay, so I kind of feel like I owe you an apology.
You were right.
The window thing worked.
You killed the snake! That's not what you should be apologizing for, Jillian G.
What do you think I should be sorry about? Everything! The generalities of this whole situation.
Okay, but the window thing was super smart.
So many people overlook the cerebral aspect of snake-killing.
Hey, would you ever wanna team up? Your brains, my hammer? I just wanna get to my meeting.
Does your car still drive? Oh, yeah, for sure.
I'll just throw it in reverse and get you there in no time.
My special suit.
I can't show up looking like this.
Not a problem.
I have clothes you could change into.
- Do you live in there? - Yeah, it's great.
I got a bed.
I got a couple garbage bags with my things.
That's pretty much it.
Where do you go to the bathroom? Starbucks.
- It's actually awesome.
- It is? Does your bathroom get cleaned twice a day? Look, this is very nice and more than a little bleak, but I don't think you have anything in there that'll fit me.
Oh, really? - What the hell is that? - My graduation gown.
Florida School of Excellence, class of '07.
Go Titties! The old mascot was racist, so they let the students vote on a new one.
That color does really pop on you.
Quick tip, though stay in the shade because that fabric melts in the sun and it will burn your skin.
[ENGINE SPUTTERING.]
Mr.
Assarian.
I'm Craig.
- What are you wearing? - This? Oh, it's a, uh it's a gown.
Standard business casual gown.
Look, I have a presentation for you, okay? - Yeah.
- Okay.
It's 4:00 a.
m.
Miami is asleep.
But I'm wide awake.
Why? Am I out at the clubs? Do I rise with the European markets? No.
I just really have to pee.
[MOSQUITO BUZZING.]
This is a all-too-familiar-story for a man of over 40, 50, or even 60.
What's the deal? What's, uh, the deal? [WATCH TICKING.]
Okay.
Look, I know this seems crazy.
I'm late.
I show up in a billboard.
When I was a kid, my dad told me if I worked hard, I could make it.
I could become rich.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
"It won't be easy," he said, "but you just gotta have faith.
" And then he died.
He wasn't rich.
He wasn't anything.
But I carried on his dream.
I just thought that, you know, if I could prove him right, then his life would've meant something.
His death would've meant something.
And I waited and I worked through setback after setback, and it's just getting so damn hard.
And I just wanted a sign Anything to tell me to keep going.
So when you called this morning out of nowhere, that's what I'd been waiting for.
It was like the heavens opened up and I could hear the angels singing.
So now, if you say no, it's not just that I won't get to start my new business.
This is everything I've ever believed in.
So I'm asking you, please, reward my faith.
Fuck him.
That guy's a dick.
Do you mind if we make a quick pit stop? I feel like I'm going above and beyond here in my role as Uber passenger.
Okay, I didn't wanna ruin the surprise, but I'm gonna give you the 100 bucks to invest in your business.
What? Why? Do you know why my graduation gown wasn't melted? I assumed because you were sittin' in the shade or whatever.
[LAUGHS.]
There's no shade at the Florida School of Excellence.
Wake up, man! I didn't graduate.
Remember when I said 16 was a good age to have your dad die? It wasn't.
I tricked you.
I kind of stopped going to school after that Stopped really doing anything.
Things have been tough since then, and I don't know, I just don't like to see anyone else give up.
Well, I appreciate it, Jillian G, but 100 bucks ain't gonna do shit for me.
It might be 110.
They pay by the foot.
So if you pull the skin away from the meat I need $20,000.
Okay? So keep your money.
I'm done.
Okay.
Well, I guess I better go find someone else - to help me with this, then.
- Yeah.
♪ [SIGHS.]
Hey.
How'd the big business meeting go? You swimmin' in dick berries? No.
Look.
I'm calling to see if you still have that job opening available for me.
The illegal one? The crime I'm doing? I thought we were being cagey about this.
Oh, no, that was before I had a chance to rub your moral downfall in your face.
It's not a moral downfall.
Oh, it is.
We're gonna do such fucked up stuff together.
Hey, you think you're in my head? I know what you're doing Standin' out here.
It ain't gonna work.
What the fuck are you talkin' about? Oh, you think we're gonna be intimidated 'cause you got a 14-footer? Think that makes you the favorite? Well, guess what? My boy and I are gonna eat your fucking ass.
Dad.
Yeah, we're gonna be eatin' out on your ass all day long.
- Dad! - What, Corby? What? We're gonna eat his ass? Yeah, well, we're gonna We're gonna kick his ass You know what I meant, okay? Boy, I'm havin' a showdown here.
A man's showdown.
Don't undermine me.
Um, sorry, excuse me.
- What are you talkin' about? - The contest.
The Florida Python Challenge.
It starts tomorrow.
30 days.
Whoever kills the most snakes gets a grand prize.
- What kind of grand prize? - Cash.
How much cash? $20,000.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
Zay, I gotta go.
♪ [QUINCY JONES' "MONEY IS".]
♪ I got a PhD in how to make ends meet ♪ I graduated from the college in the street ♪ Inflation in the nation don't bother me ♪ 'Cause I'm a scholar when it comes ♪ To the almighty dollar ♪ Money, money, money, money is ♪ Money's on my mind ♪ Money, money, money moves me ♪ I even like the money sign ♪ I'm so mean with the green ♪ I make a dollar want to holler ♪ Make a mark want to bark ♪ Make a pound want to frown ♪ Money, money, money, money is ♪ Money's on my mind ♪ Ain't no such thing as dirty money ♪ The rich folks know what I mean ♪ And money ain't got no smell ♪ Let me tell you ♪ How some green can keep you clean ♪