Kitchen Confidential (2005) s01e01 Episode Script

The truth is, from the age of eight, I knew exactly what I wanted to do I was born to cook.
I loved everything about it.
The heat, the pressure, the sheer joy of doing it.
But most of all, I loved satisfying people's appetites.
.
especially, my own.
Recipe for failure: take one part natural talent, two parts stellar education, mix with easy success and a generous helping of booze, drugs and women and immediately set it on fire.
There's no problem.
Let go of it, Tyrone.
I swear to God, I'm going to fork you - Where's the rigatoni for table 35? - Mr.
Artiste here is at it again.
Do you see the way this hack is sending things out? This is rigatoni! This is a noble pasta! But he's drowning it like a kitten in a bathtub.
Jack, sauce it and toss it; I got tables to turn.
Suze, presentation is everything.
Have you looked out there recently? No, no, no.
No.
La, la, la-la-la-lasagna Happy now, superstar? One of the thousand things that sucks about sobriety is that your messages become a lot less interesting.
It's your sponsor, Bill.
Look, I'm not selling guilt here, but you should really try and make a meeting.
.
- Thank you, Bill.
Mr.
Bourdain, Ms.
Roberts from Citibank.
For the third time, you cannot use your credit card to pay your credit card bill.
If we don't receive the full amount by next week Mr.
Bourdain, Anthony Lorenzo with Nolita Restaurant.
We got your resume and would like to speak to you about an exciting opportunity at our establishment.
- How was work? - Soul-killing.
- Trouble with the boss? - Yeah.
She's a real bitch.
Yeah, well, beggars can't be choosers.
I heard the message.
You gonna go? No! Come on, it's gotta be a hoax.
First of all, I don't have a resume, and secondly, I got enough stink on me to last a lifetime.
Great, 'cause I need you to work a kid's birthday for me tomorrow.
We're premiering a new dish; it's called "Ninja Pizza Explosion.
" You have a fine resume.
So, three years ago, you disappear Poof.
What happened? I've been away.
There's this place in France Where the ladies wear no pants? It's a joke.
- Come on, come on.
- Good one.
It's good.
I give you the tour.
By the way, what happened to your last chef? He left.
Creative differences.
You pig! You'll never cook in this town again! So let me get this straight: you got no food, no staff, you're re-opening with 300 on the books in less than 48 hours and you want me to run your kitchen? - Si.
- It's a suicide mission.
- Si.
I'll take it.
- I thought you said it was a hoax - Well, if it is, the joke's on them.
He's leaving? Who's gonna cover his shift? Paco.
Fuego! Fuego! Fuego! Paco keeps bursting into flames! Who am I kidding? Well, I can lie to them, but I can't lie to myself.
- I haven't run a kitchen in years.
- No, no, you gotta go.
This place is a joke, and I say that as your girlfriend, not your boss.
As head chef, I am offended by that remark.
Tyrone, you're a walking can opener.
This man is a chef.
Okay, if I'm gonna do this, I gotta go.
I got to assemble a crew in less than 48 hours.
Yeah, right.
How you gonna do that? Dental? Nobody gives dental.
I know.
The owner's an orthodontist.
Great.
I give you five-to-one odds you snort the place into the ground before the milk has a chance to sour.
Oh, I'm sorry, what's that? Oh.
Oh, it's a one year chip.
Yeah.
These mean something.
Come on, they don't just give these away like Oscars.
Didn't you say something like that right before you stole my television? Seth, come on.
Hey, you'll be working with Teddy.
You love Teddy.
How the hell did you get Teddy? Visas? How many visas? As many as you need.
Enough for Trang and Ang and Dong - Ong.
The "D" is silent.
It's much nicer.
Anyway, the owner is an immigration lawyer.
Did a lot of work for J-Lo's mom Everybody's gonna be legal.
- Legal.
- Legal? - Legal, guys.
- Legal! Legal! You hear that? - All right, Jack,so what's the scam? - Just take a look, and then we'll talk Bloody hell.
This place is awesome.
It's like where food and money come to have sex.
Which is why I thought of you first.
So what do you say? Come on, you gonna be my sous chef? Yeah.
Why not? Butch and Sundance together again It'll be just like the old days.
No, no, no, actually, it's gonna be no.
It's gonna be nothing like the old days.
We're going to play by the rules this time.
Yeah, there's going to be no stealing, no dealing, no women or weed in the walk-in.
This guy Pino, he's an old-school, by-the-book, stand-up kind of guy - You lied to me! - Bellisima! Don't be angry with me.
You know if you keep making that face, it's going to stay that way.
And I fell for it.
I fell for all the lies.
"Oh, Belissima, you'll be so much more than a waitress.
I want you beside me, every step of the way.
" And then you go and you hire a head chef and he's a nobody! Well, there he is, my numero uno.
Come over here, I want you to meet somebody very special.
This is Mimi, she's one of my rising stars.
Which means the old sod's doing her, so pour on the charm.
If my food tastes half as good as you look, we are gonna be huge.
You just had to strangle Sergio, didn't you? Ah, you know women, eh? - Am I crazy, or does she hate me? - No, she hates you.
Probably thinks you're gonna bankrupt him before she does.
Clever girl.
So this is the engine room.
It's got a bit - Whoa, who the hell are you? - I'm Jim.
The new guy.
I don't have a Jim.
I didn't hire a Jim.
No, I'm the new guy.
I mean, I was the new guy.
Technically, Friday was my first day, but then Sergio left and I-I can't go back to Utah.
Have you ever eaten in Utah? I am begging you, you got to let me stay.
I'll only pay you half what the other guy paid you.
Oh, Jiminy, that's that's great.
Thank oh! - I'm sorry.
- Jiminy? So should I haze him to the point of tears or beyond? Surprise me.
Kill the salt on that.
Oh, what's this supposed to be, tuna tartare? Looks like something that fell out of my dog.
Hey, Teddy, why don't you show junior how it's done.
Come on, guys, pick it up! We open in two hours.
Full boat.
Three ladies and two much card playing in here! There's no card playing in the kitchen, right, Jack? Tell them.
The drones are awaiting inspection.
I got no time to meet the wait staff.
It's only gonna take half a tick.
I been talking you up for hours.
- They're bloody terrified.
- Understandably.
There was a Jack Bourdain at Lutece, but I heard he choked on his own vomit.
- No.
That guy died.
- That's what I just said.
All I know is that this guy is a total fraud with a very small penis.
- How do you know that? - I don't.
It's just a rumor I'm starting.
Pino probably got some old fart to fall on the sword so the investors wouldn't sue.
It's tragic, really.
Okay, everybody, listen up.
I am Jack Bourdain, I'm your new head chef And this is Greg! Greg.
.
this handsome devil.
.
is a Patagonian toothfish, commonly known as a sea bass.
And when combined with garlic and shallots, he'll become our delicious fish special for this evening.
Hello, Greg! Greg has traveled over 3,000 miles so that he could be poached lovingly by me and garnished with crispy leeks A journey of 3,000 miles, and all it takes to ruin him are the ten feet from burner to table.
So I have a need.
I have a need for - Speed! That's from Top Gun.
Nothing sits under the lamp! Got it? Got it.
Now, just for sake of clarity, I'm not your friend.
I'm not your daddy.
I'm here for one reason and one reason alone: to make the most exquisite cuisine on earth.
Now, if you'll excuse me, Greg and I have some work to do.
I am so in love right now.
Got it.
Good.
Look at this veal.
This veal is gorgeous.
If I was another veal, I'd be making love to this veal.
Tell me you didn't put the veal down your pants.
And what if I did? What's happened to you, mate? You need to relax.
Things are going swimmingly.
Yeah, this is scaring the crap out of me.
Got it.
Daisy Miller.
See you tonight.
Tanya, did you say Daisy Miller? Why, wasn't I supposed to? So she's really a man? No, Daisy Miller is Reese Ryder, the food critic.
And a dear old friend of mine.
You son of a bitch! With! My! Sister?! - Reese Ryder.
- Reese, it's Jack.
Jack! Last time I heard from you, you were choking on an alibi.
Hey, word is Daisy Miller's paying a little visit to Nolita.
Word is you took over the kitchen.
You think maybe you could just push the visit just a smidge? Can't do it, Jack.
That'd be favoritism, and business is business.
Fine, fine, fine! Okay, just put your hatred of me aside for a second, and just judge only the food.
'Cause, you know, there's a lot of people here, a lot of decent people.
And you don't have to destroy them because, okay, I might have nailed your sister.
But you know how much I love Hello, Reese? Tanya, let's talk.
Let me start by saying that you're very sweet and stylish - whoo.
And one might even say that you put the "ho" in hostess Why, thank you.
But you cannot screw this up, okay? When Daisy Miller arrives tonight, I want you to give her our best table, okay, and our best waiter.
Matter of fact, I want you to give her anything she asks for.
A pedicure, your kidney, anything.
We live or die by this review.
Live or die, got it.
Teddy, why you chopping shrimp? I can't keep going back and forth like this, all right? They are already chopped.
I can't unchop them, right, okay? And if you're going to change the menu every freaking hour - Teddy, I didn't change the menu.
- I did.
I'm out.
Pinot always features a shrimp risotto.
I'm sure it was an oversight, but I caught it in time, no need to thank me.
Uh, the floor doesn't make those decisions.
I do.
"The floor"? Did you just call me "the floor" like, like I'm something beneath you? No, no, we all know who you're beneath.
Okay.
Pinot may have a soft spot for losers, but I don't.
I've asked around, and I found out what happened at your last two restaurants.
I've invested way too much to let that happen here, so the second you make a single mistake, I'm going to be there to take the picture.
Cheese! Get away from me.
- Uh, did, did? - Get away from me.
Okay, sorry.
You all right, Skip? Fine.
I'm going for a smoke.
Listen, I am so sorry about the - What are you doing? - Oh, that? Oh, it's "Boot and Rally.
" It's an old chef's trick.
Yeah, helps you focus.
- Really? - Yeah! - Cool.
- It's very cool.
Thanks for the tip.
- I can pull this off.
- So you want me to start lying now Hey, can you sneak out? I want you here.
We open in, like, five minutes and I'm freaking out.
I'd love to, but somebody stole my dishwashers.
No, no.
Stole? No, borrowed.
Yeah, I'm going to have Hello? Excuse me.
I've been waiting quite a while.
The hostess will be right with you.
Your waitress will be right with you.
As, come on, you be our waitress.
Oh, no, I'm just the hostess, but I can start your drink order.
Well, then I order you to have a drink with us.
Nice.
- See what I did there? - Yeah.
Up top.
Nice.
Look, I've been here since three restaurants ago.
It's under Ryder.
Yeah, um, sorry, I don't see a Ryder.
Right.
It's under Daisy Miller.
Yeah, you can't just pick a name out of the book and poach their reservation Are you calling me a liar? No, no, not a liar.
More of an opportunist.
- I demand to be seated right now - I'll see what I can find.
E njoy.
Excuse me.
You're our waiter, right? Uh, can I help you with something? My friend's getting married tomorrow and I was hoping your pastry chef could right on a small cake or a tart something like "Good luck, Rachel," or "You rock, Rachel," or "Friends Do you think that's possible? - No, I do not.
- There is a huge tip in it for you - Would you like it to rhyme? The ladies at table 2 are lubricated past the point of discretion.
What does that mean? And now I must wash my hands.
Zip it up! I got it.
Ladies, ladies, I'm afraid you're going to have to keep it down, okay? Who are you? I'm Jack Bourdain, Head Chef.
Ooh, you certainly are.
Jiminy! Okay, that is not funny! I spent half an hour working on that.
Come on, Opie, chill out.
And my name is not "Opie.
" It is also not "Junior," or "Sport" or "Kid.
" Relax, champ, we're just busting your onions.
Don't touch my onions.
I'm a trained chef, damn it, and I demand your respect, you you mother scratcher! Mother scratcher? Finally, you show some sack.
Congratulations, mate, you passed.
Oh, oh, Jiminy.
Great.
Anybody seen my fingertip? Look, it's, it's gone.
Your fingertip is gone.
Yeah, well, it didn't sprout legs, so it's got to be here somewhere What are you guys doing, punching the clown back here?! Where is my tart! Those women were out of control.
What's Hammer doing in a pool of blood? Teddy cut my finger off, see? Oh, will you stop screwing around and sew it back on? Yeah, I would, but it's not here.
What are you talking about, it's not here? Come on, it's got to be here.
Oh, my God.
- Pull all the plates.
- What? Why? Pull all the plates! Sorry.
Excuse me.
Thanks.
Do I look like I'm done? - Where are you going with that? - I'm bringing it to table 12.
Nothing goes out until we find the finger! Look, it's gone, okay? Now I've got a house full of hungry people.
So before tonight goes in the toilet and you completely destroy this restaurant, this is going to table 12.
Unless you'd like me to clear it with Pino first.
Fine.
Cheese.
Sea bass with crispy leeks.
Do I get to keep this one? This looks overcooked.
I'll tell the manager.
No, I'll tell the manager! Better yet, where's the chef? Hey, you remember me? Hello.
You know what? Now's not a great time.
Listen, I just wanted to say thank you.
That was the best meal of my life.
Oh, the pleasure's all mine.
Before I commit myself to one man forever and ever, there's just one more thing that I wanted to put in my mouth Oh, oh, we can't.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Jack! Reese.
Oh, God, you look great.
I came to chew you out, but I see somebody beat me to it.
Reese, no, no.
Wait, wait.
Looks like you started celebrating early.
Oh, Suze! Uh, uh, it's not what it looks like.
Okay, my pants are down and a woman did just leave the premises And one passed out on your floor.
- I know.
I can explain that.
- Don't.
I must have been an idiot believing that you could do this without turning back into a total degenerate Yeah, you're right.
You figured out my master plan.
Yeah, I get given a chance out of nowhere to become a real chef again and I figured the best way to seal the deal is to lure the city's top food critic to the back of the house to watch me have sex with a patron.
Come on.
Are you kidding me? After all we've been through? Suze, is that really what you think of me? You're right.
I believe you.
You're too stupid to make up something like this.
- Thank you.
- I got to go.
I'll see you at home.
Hey was I good? Here's the thing about second chances.
Sometimes it comes down to one person's opinion, and I gave that person the finger literally.
So it doesn't hurt at all? No, I'm impervious to pain.
I can only feel pleasure.
It's a birth defect.
Dental.
You fell for dental? Right.
Because visas, they just hand those out like candy! May I have your attention, please? There's something I want you to hear.
Listen.
"Certain restaurants take on the personality of their chefs.
Desperate, reckless, frantic.
.
such was my experience at Nolita The service was so bad that if my waitress isn't related to the owner, she's sleeping with him.
" Listen, about Mimi, I know she's your lady and everything what she did tonight was inexcusable.
She's my daughter.
- I'll get my things.
- Aspete, Frank, listen.
"Nolita could easily be written off as a disaster were it not for the food, which, judging from the small amount I was allowed to consume, is sublime If Jack Bourdain can set his house in order, Nolita promises to be one of the city's premier establishments.
" Hell, yeah! Now we are family.
I'm deaf.
- You did it.
- Yeah.
Hey, superstar, Tanya and Chloe and I are going to go back to their place to hang out with their friends who are models and frequently naked.
You feel like celebrating? Yeah, I do.
Suze, you're not going to believe it! The review couldn't have been better! Well, it could have been better, but they loved the food and they loved me! "Jack, I knew you could do it.
Like you say, you were born to cook.
But tonight I saw what's in store for both of us and I can't wait around for the pain.
So good-bye and go get 'em.
Suze.
"PS - if you're wondering how Pino got your resume, look in the box.
" I know this could be the biggest night of your life and you probably lost like but I want to relax 'cause universe has decided our fate we are just along for the ride - Are you baked right now? - A little, yeah