Kite Man: Hell Yeah! (2024) s01e01 Episode Script

My fellow Legion members,
what we have in this briefcase
has the power to change
the universe as we know it.
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Is it a thing that takes all the little
crumbs at the bottom of a chip bag
and reforms them into
full-sized chips again?
You think we'd call an
all-hands-on-deck meeting for that?
I would hope so.
Behold
the Anti-Life Equation.
Shiny golden light.
If I can figure out how
to harness its power,
I can kill Superman.
Ah, here we go again.
Lex, it's not happening.
You're like watching
a chihuahua try to fuck a couch.
It's not anything like that.
With this, I will
destroy Superman.
News flash, it's
Legion property,
so you need an approval.
I vote we use it
to kill Aquaman.
I vote that we use it
to kill Wonder Woman.
I hate to go back
to the chip thing,
but have you ever tried
dipping those little bit
No one gives a fuck
about your chip thing.
The Justice League is going
to be coming for this.
So let's hide it in the impenetrable
vault until we can agree on a use.
I want round-the-clock patrols of the
building by every flying LOD member.
- Where are our flying members?
- Uh, missing.
They were all invited to a
"Flyers Only Kaffee Klatch"
and have not been seen since.
A "Flyers Only Kaffee
Klatch"? Damn it.
This was probably
a ruse by Superman
to remove our
overhead surveillance.
We need eyes in the air ASAP.
Who do we know that flies?
Hell, yeah ♪
Oh, shit, shit, shit. Fuck me.
Can we just put the
money back and be coolio?
Ooh!
The Riddler's planted
a bomb downtown.
Ugh! I'm stopping Kite Man and
his goons from robbing a bank.
Who's Kite Man again?
Hey, you know
me. I got a kite,
say, "Hell, yeah," do a
solid Borat impression.
"Ah, my wife"
Ow!
Leave him to the cops.
Ooh.
All righty.
So, uh, anybody wanna
grab a brewski on me?
Oh, this would have gone way
better if Golden Glider was here.
Today is not my day.
Golden Glider,
today is your day.
It is?
Stacy has the shits.
You're skating the lead.
Gauntlet Gloria, today
really is my day.
Okay, I'm opening with
my signature move,
a pirouette into a triple Axel,
aka the Golden Sparkler
Don't you mean
the Golden Shower?
Everyone, shut up!
The star has arrived.
But you're sick. What
if you shit on the ice?
What if the whole
audience shits
when they see you
skate, Olden Glider?
Right? Don't trip.
Awesome.
Go get 'em, babe. Break legs.
See you at the
bar. Drinks on me.
She stole my Golden Shower!
Sprinklers! Ugh, shit!
That's it.
Eat ice!
Yeah, yeah. I know, I'm fired.
I'll see myself out.
This show sucks anyway.
Stupid no talent.
Calling me psycho?
You're psycho!
Babe, what happened to you?
Oh, you know matinees.
How'd it go down at the bank?
Well, the good news is we
all came back in one piece.
Oh, I beg to differ.
Except Steve.
He's bleeding out. Hey,
Noonan, can you sew him up?
Got three guys ahead of him.
Truth is, babe, a teen girl
kicked the crap out of us.
Oh, this freaking generation.
Yeah, I think the problem
is we were inside a bank,
and I can't use my
superpowers inside.
A kite's not a superpower.
Kids have kites, and I could
kick the shit out of most kids.
- And Kite Man could kick the shit out of all kids.
- Thanks, babe.
You don't need superpowers
to be a supervillain.
All's I know is,
when I was a kid,
I'd sit in my room and I'd dream
about being a supervillain.
My mom would knock
on the door and say,
"Chuck, what are
you doing in there?"
And I'd say, "Not
masturbating."
And she'd say, "That feels like something a
masturbator would say while masturbating."
And I'd be all like, "Mom! I I will
tell you when I'm masturbating"
Jesus fuck! Stop telling
that nasty-ass story.
Yeah, I thought you were gonna 86
the "Mom catches me jacking it" shit.
Shut up!
Don't listen to them,
Chuck. I like that story.
I don't. But you have
the right to tell it
because you're a flying
villain destined for greatness.
I'm looking for a flying
villain destined for greatness
to help out the Legion of Doom.
Babe, that's literally you.
No way, Golden Glider.
Lex is still pissed from
the last time you helped.
That one insane power of yours
melted most of the cafeteria staff.
- Oh, come on. Those powers aren't my fault.
- Hey.
She told Lex very clearly that she can't
control her rather disturbing powers.
- Thanks, babe.
- You're my world, babe.
Yeah. I still have to bring
Lex a flying villain, so
Oh, Kite Man can do it.
But he has no powers.
He's just got a kite.
Like a Victorian child
in a sailor suit.
That is not true. Kindness
is his superpower.
Noonan, when you were
stabbed in the heart,
who brought you soup
for three months?
FlashDash. But Kite
Man delivered it.
And Queen of Fables,
who found your severed
head on the ground
and saved it in a glass jar?
Fuck if I know. I was dead.
It was Kite Man!
- And Moe and Joe
- Kite Man.
Uh, I didn't say the thing yet.
And you don't have to.
Let's just say they were
able to reattach it.
Not all of it.
See? Case closed.
Your heart is your superpower,
and anyone who doesn't see that
is a huge D-bag who's getting
their ass kicked by me.
Well, I don't have
a ass to kick.
Besides, heart
ain't even a power.
I enjoy the friendly
banter here,
but I parked in a
loading zone so
Ugh, Kite Man it is.
Hell, yeah.
Kite Man. Thank
you for joining us.
You know, I'm a big fan.
Like you, I forged my way
to success and started
- Please shut the fuck up.
- Roger that.
The Justice League is going
to attack us at any moment.
Your job is to patrol the skies
and alert us if one of
them attacks by air.
Hey, easy peasy mac and cheesy.
Do not fuck up.
Oh, good thing I only fuck down.
Hell, yeah!
Kite Man to base.
KM to B.
Can you hear me? Over.
No need to shout.
Yeah, this equipment's
pretty sensitive. Yeah.
Gus, oh, sorry.
I just I'm a
I'm a little nervous.
- This is a big opportunity.
- Oh, well,
you know what I tell
my kindergartners?
Even a complex task is simple
if you do one right thing
followed by another right thing.
You teach kindergarten?
Oh, yeah. I just
goon on the side
Oh, dear God! Everything
here is on fire.
Gus? I'm I'm
coming for you. Over.
Everybody back up!
He needs to breathe.
Give him space.
Chuck, wake up!
Are you okay?
Well, a little sore,
but it's not too bad
considering I went toe to toe
with the son of Krypton himself.
Um Well, you didn't
actually quite get to Superman.
You got knocked out
and then a crosswind blew your limp,
unconscious body into some power lines.
Crosswinds, the, uh, Superman
of weather patterns there.
But, uh, hey, did we at least
Did we protect the
the thingamajig?
What What is it? The, um
It's gone.
Lex, you came to check on me?
Hardly. I came here
remotely to say
you are the worst "villain"
I have ever witnessed.
How dare you say that,
you shaved ball sack!
I got this, babe.
You know what, Lex?
Ow! Oh, my back.
Oh, oh, oh, babe.
- Babe? Babe? Oh, Jesus.
- Yeah, I'm gonna
I'm gonna stand up
for myself lying down.
- And, ooh, there we go.
- Hey.
Gentle. Gentle.
- Is he still there?
- Yeah.
You know what, Lex? I
used to look up to you.
Now, you may have
a bajillion dollars
and a fancy corporation
and a private army
- What a loser!
- Uh
Nope, hang on, babe. Didn't
get to the bad stuff yet.
- 10-4, babe.
- Here it comes.
You may have that stuff, but
you know what you don't have?
Friends.
You'll never be able to
walk into a place like this,
lie down on the floor,
and know that everyone around you
loves you and cares about you.
So who's the real loser here?
Me or the guy with no friends
who, real talk, will never
be able to kill Superman?
So, this dump is your sanctuary?
You're darn tootin'.
Mr. Noonan, I would
like to buy your bar.
It's not for sale.
- How about ten million dollars?
- Sold.
What?
Wonderful.
I'll have my people
draw up the contract
and a wrecking crew here
by the end of the week.
Is everyone staring
at me disapprovingly?
I I can't get a good angle.
This is all that's left
of our impenetrable vault.
Toy Man, please tell me you
purchased the extended warranty.
Uh-oh.
Is Is that a thing
with every chair?
I am going to stand.
You know whose fault this is?
Kite Man's.
And you picked him, Bane.
I think we should be
supportive of each other.
Would you give me some
fucking space and take a seat?
- My point is
- You're fired.
What happened to
two weeks' notice?
What the dick, Noonan?
You can't sell this bar.
Look, I don't want to sell it.
But I can't refuse
ten million bucks.
But this place freaking rules.
Chuck and I had our
first date here.
- Who the hell is Chuck?
- Kite Man.
Aw.
We had drinks at the bar. We
played darts right over there.
Did hand stuff at the
table right there.
My drinking problem and subsequent
divorce started on this very stool.
Yeah, the big supervillains are
all sitting pretty in their lairs,
but this place is for the
dregs, the goons, the henches.
A place for the rest of us.
A place you don't mind
taking a nasty shit in.
I agree.
And not just because
we share an anus.
Well, I'll tell you what.
It's not going anywhere.
You can do number two in this
place as long as you want
'cause me and Glider
are buying this bar.
Yeah, we are!
Wait, what?
Babe, this bar is
10 million dollars.
You can't put a price on
the place you call home.
Uh, you absolutely can and
it's 10 million dollars.
- Babe.
- Babe.
- Babe.
- Babe!
Babe.
Will you make me the happiest
small business owner in the world
and buy this bar with me?
Is this bullshit working?
I don't even know what
I'm watching anymore.
Oh, you crazy son of a mom!
This is the stupidest
idea in the world,
and I can't wait
to do it with you!
Babe.
Aw, look at that.
Here comes the hand stuff
they were talking about.
This is bullshit.
You don't have 10
million dollars.
We can get the money with
the power of our love.
Like through a cam show or a
Okay, not from a cam show.
But we'll find it.
And Sean, when we come up
with 10 million dollars,
will you sell it to
us instead of Lex?
Sure. But where are you gonna
get that kind of moolah?
It's not gonna just
fall out of the sky.
Oh!
God damn you, Lex Luthor!
Aw, shit. I was hoping that was
gonna be a sack filled with money.
And now, you got a ceiling to
repair on top of the ten mil.
Kite Man and I will get you that
money by the end of the week.
- You have a plan, right, babe?
- Hell, yeah, I do.
'Cause I am a grown-ass man.
Daddy, I need to borrow 10
million dollars, please.
Absolutely not. Anything else?
I'm just waiting for the part where
you tell me it's Opposite Day.
It is not Opposite Day.
Well, you don't even know
what the loan is for.
Who is this woman?
I'm his girlfriend/business
partner.
We've met several times.
I sent you a box of Omaha
steaks for your birthday.
That's dumb.
Look, I got to where I am
because I recognize a bad
investment when I see one.
You are that bad investment.
Nah, I'm not following.
Not really a money guy.
Let me be abundantly clear.
You have never accomplished
anything in your life.
- I do not believe in you.
- Well, then loan it to me.
No, because you're dumb
enough to date Chuck.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to get a vasectomy.
Good idea. In fact, make
it a double vasectomy.
Come on, Chuck. Let's bounce.
- Can't believe my dad is being so stingy.
- Oh, forget him.
There's got to be another
way to get this money.
Oh, I know!
- Not Shark Tank.
- Damn.
Ugh! Asking people for
money is so humiliating.
That's it.
Babe, it's about to get
a lot more humiliating.
Look, Chuck,
I realize that we spent your
last dime on a wedding deposit
that you will never
get back, and I
Damn right he did.
No worries. It was all
part of my journey.
However, I I do not have 10
million dollars just a-lying around.
Eh, I find that hard to believe.
Babe.
It's true. We just bought a
vacation property in Themyscira,
so we're second house poor.
Well, that's very relatable.
Not really, babe.
I think they're
saying they don't
Oh. No, oh, okay. I get it. Wow.
Well, this is mucho
disappointing.
Hey, chin up, Kitey.
You're a bad guy.
What do bad guys do?
Bad guys steal things
from worse guys.
Oh, that is the worst
A really good idea
I've ever heard.
Our target, Casa de Caucasion.
An impermeable island stronghold
on the Eastern Seaboard.
Also, there's usually some taffy
in the cupboard above the fridge.
Are we robbing your fucking dad?
- Hell, yeah.
- Damn skippy.
Sick.
- This place looks like a death trap.
- Hell, yeah, big time.
My dad has a group
of ex-Mossad agents
and power yoga instructors
to protect his mans.
I would be remiss if
I didn't warn you.
Not all of you will make
it back in one piece.
I don't have any more
fucking pieces to lose.
I am drunk and I am in.
All right. We need
a distraction.
Ooh, I got a distraction.
And it involves a pirouette
into a triple Axel.
Hit it.
Oh, my God!
She's skating the opening adagio
from the Generic Desert
Apocalypse on Ice!
It's working. Let's go!
Holy shit!
I've never seen a
move so beautiful.
Wait, wait, wait,
wait. Who are they?
Those are my, uh
Backup skaters.
Hang on.
The backup skaters don't come
out until the end of act one.
We're being had!
Time to wing it!
Oh!
Ooh, it's wet and
it's gross. Oh, God.
Oh, it's gross, and
it's wet. It's warm.
Wait, aren't you my kid's
kindergarten teacher?
You're Mikey's dad. How fun!
- Did you get the note I sent home with him?
- Yeah.
Sorry. I I think
he's acting out 'cause
I've been working so much.
You're welcome.
Well, I'm gonna have to block off
some one-on-one time with Mikey.
Go in there and get the money.
I'll stay here
and beat them off.
Babe, you said beat
Not now, Chuck!
Oh!
Babe, we need a miracle.
You have got to use your powers.
I can't. You know I can't
control them when I use them.
Lisa! There is no other way.
Chuck, what if I kill you?
That's not gonna
happen. I trust you.
Why do you think I want
to buy a bar with you?
Hey, you's twos done having your
aside so we can murder yo use?
Unless we murder you like a
razor cutting through garlic.
- Right, Moe?
- Let's find out.
Joe!
Oh, shit, shit, shit.
No, no, no
Schwing! Never been turned
on more than right now.
Hell, yeah!
So that's the power.
- Hello, Charles.
- Dad.
I've been waiting
to give you these.
What's in them? Oh,
oh Is it centipedes?
It's centipedes, isn't it? Did
you know that they sting you?
The bags are full
of money, you idiot.
Ten million to be exact.
You're giving me the money?
This is the first time I've
ever seen you stand up to me.
It makes me think maybe you're not a
completely worthless piece of garbage.
I've waited my whole life for
Well, I mean not
Not those words,
but I'll take it.
We were victorious,
but there was a cost.
I will now read the names of those who
were killed in our pursuit of glory.
Scuzzy, Jimmy One Ball, Joey
Three Balls, Kneecaps McGee,
Joe Dubelz.
Wait, what? Nah, nah, nah.
Joe's fine. He's
just taking a nap.
And Bane, who I'll
miss most of all.
Who? Wait, what?
No!
I had to use the bathroom
back at your dad's
house and I got lost.
Did you leave me for dead?
Uh, well, yeah, well
But the important thing is we have
the money and we can buy the bar.
Is that the briefcase you told
us the Justice League stole?
And if it is?
That would mean
Superman never took it.
Which means you were the
one that tricked our flyers
into leaving the
skies unprotected.
Except for Kite Man, a known
idiot who would be your fall guy.
There's just one big
flaw in your plan.
The Justice League will scour
the universe for this thing.
And you don't have the
means to protect it.
You only have to protect something
if people know where it is.
It's on your desk.
Oh, I'll be moving it
right after you're dead.
"Right after I'm"
Shit.
In answer to your question,
I'll be hiding it in the last
place anyone would think to look.
Kite Man and Golden Glider,
you are the proud
owners of a bar
that's got four mortgages on it
as well as black mold
inside every wall.
Lex, we won it fair and square.
I'm not here to kill you.
I'm here to congratulate you.
So, are we friends now?
No, I'm friends with important
people like Joker and Paul Simon.
Anyway, congrats on your
new business venture.
Uh, Bane, let's go.
I am with them now. They
treat me with respect.
Uh, usually.
Fine. You do you, Bane.
I'm doing me!
I've done some whack-ass
shit in my life.
But this is
the whack-assiest.
And I can't imagine doing
it with anyone else.
Hell, yeah.
Babe, I got a feeling we're
gonna make this bar
a great success.
Ah, very nice.
Oh, here comes the hand stuff.
Lord Darkseid!
After ages of searching,
I have narrowed the location of the
weapon to a small range of planets.
Excellent.
For it is Darkseid's destiny to
harness the Anti-Life Equation.
The power to enslave the mind
of every being in the universe.
And undoubtedly, this
priceless weapon is being held
in an impenetrable fortress,
under the protection of its
sector's most supreme beings.
We must prepare for all-out war!
All out ♪