Koala Man (2023) s01e01 Episode Script

[wind whistling]
Heave!
Heave!
Heave, goddamn you!
The horror.
The world must never learn of this!
Do you understand?!
Yes! But what should we do with it?
We shall hide it away forever.
Somewhere no respectable person
would be caught dead.
The most boring, backwards,
piece of shit place in the entire world.
- [sighs] Another successful day
as the town shopkeeper.
- [chatting]
- Oi! You two!
You're not allowed to loiter here!
- Aw, fuck off!
It's a free country, isn't it?
- Yeah, fr-free what he said.
And what are yooouuu gonna do about it?!
Ugh! Damn it! [groaning]
I'm okay, I'm okay.
Just turned my ankle, I think
Should be all right Ugh.
Anyway, Darren and Damo,
I've told you two a million times,
your days of suspicious loitering
and menacing stores
of convenience are over.
- Oh, you think you're
so high and mighty, Koala Man?
You're not even a real superhero.
Everyone hates ya!
Yeah, go away! Fuckin' hate ya!
It's time for you two to be on your way.
What you're doing here is not on.
Ohhh, we'll leave
as soon as you read the morning headlines!
Ow! It's in my eyes!
- What have you done to my friend?
- Jesus! Fuck!
- Hey, hey, hey, don't rub it in.
You'll make it worse.
You could scratch your retina.
- He was planning something sinister.
I was just trying to help!
You went way too far, Koala Man.
I actually think you seriously
injured him. What was in that?
- Just eucalyptus oil,
because of the koala thing.
- Mate, that's poison.
I think you should just leave.
- Okay, sorry. Understood, citizen.
[Darren moaning]
Stay safe.
DARREN: Ow! I think I'm fackin' blind!
KOALA MAN:
Some call me a superhero.
I just see myself as a citizen
who cares passionately about justice.
Here in the once pristine suburb of Dapto,
I've made it my life's mission
to clean up our streets
help the innocent
[cat yowls]
and snuff out evil.
Yeah, local code says this grass is
half a centimeter too long, mate.
That was a close one.
Sometimes it feels like I'm the only thing
standing in between this town and anarchy.
But this is my burden.
I have taken up the mantle, for I am
Koala Man!
Today on The Daily Scoff,
has local vigilante, nuisance,
and probable violent maniac Koala Man
finally gone too far?
Yes, yes, he has.
- After all I do for Dapto,
this is what I get?
Dad, don't take this the wrong way,
but if people from school
ever find out you're Koala Man,
I think I'll genuinely kill myself.
- I don't want anyone to find out
your identity either, Dad.
Because I like having a secret.
- Kevin, you know I support your hobby,
but maybe it's time to take a break.
You missed date night again!
I was looking forward
to a movie and a cuddle.
- Taking a break is just what the forces
of evil want me to do, Vicky.
- well, can you at least fix
this bloody table, Kevin?
Why would the media treat me this way?
[gasps] You know what this is?
Classic case of Tall Poppy Syndrome!
What's Tall Poppy Syndrome?
Well, Liam, for reasons unknown,
if anyone becomes
too successful in Australia,
our fellow citizens feel the need
to "cut them down,"
like a flower in a field, so everyone
can be at the same level of mediocrity.
- That's why those delicious
Hemsworths ran off to Hollywood.
- Oh, Chris, Liam, and Luke think they're
too good for where they came from?
See what I just did there?
That's Tall Poppy Syndrome.
But whatever. I don't care.
I just care about cleaning up this town.
- Great! You can start
by taking the bins out.
Tomorrow's Bin Day.
Vicky, I know tomorrow's Bin Day.
It's the most important day of the week.
dramatic music playing ♪
And so it begins.
- Honey, Kevin put his bin out!
I guess it's Bin Day!
epic music playing ♪
- Without me, no one in Dapto would even
know when to put their bins out.
It's an incredible responsibility,
and one I shall discharge faithfully
as soon as I get home.
La-di-di-da-da-da ♪
Dad's gone crazy, hasn't he?
Oh, Alison, no.
No, noooo.
Fishing Big with Big Greg! ♪
Master angler ♪
Crocodile mangler ♪
Lady entangler, yeah-- ♪
[video stops]
Oh, for the love of God. Kevin!
Yes, Big Greg?
- Kevin, you've got to fix
the bloody internet, mate.
I have a Council meeting in five minutes,
and I need to finish this old episode
of my show for inspiration.
This is the one where I pulled a Peruvian
dickfish out of my cameraman's urethra.
[chuckles] Still got the little bugger.
- All right, I'll power cycle the modem.
Kind of all I do around here.
That's why we love you, Kevin.
You fix the modem
so I can watch me viddies.
And you take the bins out
so we all know when to do it.
I'd call that a pretty good life.
- Uh, Big Greg, did the media ever
go after you for, like, fighting sharks
and doing what you're certain
you were put on this earth to do?
- Oh, yeah. All the time.
Classic Tall Poppy Syndrome.
Bastards.
But that's when I came up
with my iconic theme song,
and I realized I could do anything
I wanted as long as I had a catchy tune.
A theme song. Interesting.
Very interesting.
- [theme song resumes]
- Ah, here we go!
If you look carefully,
you can see the moment
the cock-guppy enters his penis canal.
- Big Greg! ♪
[cow bell jangles]
- Liam, what do you think
it feels like to be Rosie Yodels,
the most powerful girl in school,
surrounded by suck-ups
like McKayla Taylor Mercedes,
snapping perfectly aloof
pictures all the time?
I bet it feels intoxicating.
- I'm not obsessed
with popularity like you, Alison.
Besides, we have
one thing that makes us cool:
our mum's the canteen lady!
- Kevin's just been so preoccupied
with being Koala Man
that he's missed every date night.
I've asked him to fix the wobbly table
for months, and he won't even do that.
Well, if you need to motivate Kevin,
whenever my Gerry needed
some pep in his step,
I told him to finish between me tits.
God rest his soul.
We haven't been intimate in ages.
- [gags] When Gerry couldn't
get things done at home,
I always had a power tool on hand
to take care of the problem myself.
Do it myself?
That's it, Janine!
I can get a power tool
and fix that wobbly table myself!
Aw, yeah that too, I guess.
What are you looking at, you little shit?
Piss off!
[guitar strumming]
- Ah, Liam! What did I say
about leaving your army men on the ground?
It's actually a SwordStorm figurine.
A Praetorian Elder Flame Warrior,
to be precise.
- I don't care what it is, Liam.
I'm always bloody stepping on them.
Do you know how many fathers
are paralyzed by sharp toys each year?
I dunno, like five?
- It was a rhetorical question!
Now listen to this.
Koala Man ♪
Hero for all the Daptonians ♪
You reckon that's theme-song worthy?
Um, it's okay.
Okay?! What? No!
This is a "banger," as the kids say.
I just have to lay down
all the instrumental tracks.
I'll stay up all night if I have to
[yawns] And I'll still have time
to put the bins out.
- [door opens]
- Kevin, I need the drill I got you.
- Agh, if this is about the wobbly table,
Vicky, I'll fix it later.
Liam and I are jamming.
Arrr! Rock on!
- No, Kevin.
I don't want you to fix the table.
Even though some things in this household
seem broken beyond repair,
I'm going to at least try
to fix them myself.
[drill whirs]
- And what a nice project
that will be for you.
Make sure to sign it out.
[moans erotically]
Wow! I did it.
Oh! You're incredible.
I'm incredible.
Are you ready to go again?
[drill whirring]
Ah, the life of a rock music writer.
Classic.
Looks like Mrs. Dockery
forgot to take her bins out.
Wait. Where are everybody's bins?
Where are my bins?!
No, I swore I took them out!
You have no idea what you've done.
- This isn't enough!
What happened to all the rubbish?!
They didn't put their bins out!
- But if we don't get more, we'll--
[screaming]
HARSH VOICE:
Where's my rubbish?!
[neighbors murmuring]
Fuck me dead, Kev, what happened?
I was down at the bowlo last night
telling everyone how good you are
at putting the bins out.
We only know when to put 'em out
when we see yours!
You've caused a chain reaction!
Spider, I swear, after I finished my
Koala Man theme song
I put them out, I know I did.
Didn't I?
Fellow Daptonians!
It seems the entire town
has missed Bin Day.
Kevin really cooked the chook on this one.
Everyone say, "Fuck you, Kevin!"
DAPTONIANS: Fuck you, Kevin!
Fuck you, Kevin!
Fuck you, Kevin!
- Alison! That's your dad!
- Oh, yeah.
Fuck you, Dad!
- Don't worry, I've got a plan.
Just dump your rubbish at Kevin's house!
He'll sort it out,
and we'll all go back to bed!
[cheering]
- You should be bloody
prime minister, Big Greg!
- Excuse me, everyone,
this is extremely unsanitary.
And I do not approve!
contemplative music playing ♪
So many broken things!
Alison, Liam!
Start gathering up all the hard rubbish
you can find and take it into our yard!
What? Ew, no.
- Alison, there comes a time
when the normal life
you've come to terms with
blows up in your face.
Your husband goes through
a midlife koala phase,
and the only thing that makes it better
is the power of a drill in your hand.
[drill whirs]
Liam, come on!
We've got to get
our menopausal mummy some rubbish.
Yay! Mumopause!
- How could this have happened?
I could've sworn I took the bins out!
Curse you and your sexy, musical allure!
MASK: [evilly] I'm not surprised
the town turned against you.
I reckon someone
brought the bins back on purpose!
We have a secret enemy.
- No, you're paranoid, even for
a manifestation of my shattered psyche.
MASK:
I'm just trying to keep you safe.
- But you always see
the worst in everyone.
Maybe I really didn't take the bins out.
I was exhausted
from rocking out too hard.
MASK:
This is our chance, Kevin,
to show the town we're the hero they need.
[pleasantly] By the way, I actually
liked the Koala Man theme song.
Really, really strong melody. Good job.
- Thanks, mate.
At least someone gets it.
MASK: [evilly]
Now what are you waiting for?!
You're the only one
who can clean up this rubbish!
dramatic music rising ♪
You're right, Koala Mask!
I'll save Dapto by venturing forth
to where the streets have no shame!
Like the U2 song.
Ah, never mind, let's go.
- And that's why I always bring
a knife and fork to the bathroom.
- We really are
the most unpopular kids in school.
- Okay, now do one where you're
picking up rubbish but like a total slut.
- But maybe it's time we did
something about it.
- [bowl shatters]
- [chuckles] This is so random.
Um, what do you want?
I wanna be a trash slut like Rosie.
- Let me set you straight on something.
Nobody gets to Rosie Yodels. No one.
Especially not
an unpopular biiiiitch like you.
But isn't there anything I can do?
- Hmmm, I suppose if you took a photo
that got enough likes,
maybe we'd think about it.
But I doubt that's gonna happen.
Sorryyyyyyyy
- Why would you want
to be friends with them?
- I don't want to be friends with them,
I want to be them.
I want a bunch of beta orbiters
and simps fawning over me.
I just need a photographer.
I'd be happy to take your photo,
if you'd be willing to paint
my SwordStorm miniatures with me.
No one else will.
Hmmm, big ask.
[scoffs] Okay. I'll paint
exactly one figurine with you.
Come on, there's a pile of rotting meat
over there. Perfect spot.
- Thanks for helping me
clean up the rubbish, Spider.
I owe you one.
No worries, mate.
We'll take the ol' ute out as many times
as we have to until we get the job done.
Speaking of getting the job done,
I've been thinkin'.
You need something to take
your heroing to the next level.
A gun.
- Uh, no thanks, Spider.
That's all right.
- Could be like
a new koala gadget, though.
The safety's jammed
so she's always ready to go.
- Yeah, that actually makes me
want it less, mate.
Ah, suit yourself.
I do really need to get rid of it, though.
- Typical. The garbage men decided
to knock off early.
What happened to municipal spirit?
What happened to the proud
Australian civil servant?
- SPIDER: Uh Koala Man?
- What happened to
What happened to all the rubbish?
My god.
Bloody hell!
I didn't know you could
dump dead bodies here.
These poor, innocent garbos.
Ugh
Evil has been set loose.
- Who did this to you,
Wizened Garbage Man?
The Tall Poppy.
- Ah, yeah?
Some cunt thinking he's better than us?
I knew it! Probably from Adelaide.
No, you dickheads!
The real Tall Poppy!
A creature of flowers and thorns
pulled from under the ice of Antarctica
and hidden here where it could
eat rubbish in peace.
- All right, grab those copper pipes,
we'll take 'em down to Cashie's.
[creature snarling]
Oi who's there?!
Reveal ya self fuckwit!
[snarling]
Give me rubbish!
Why should we, you flower fuck?
Aw, come on, man.
Someone took all the top-notch rubbish,
and I've gotta get my garb on.
You've got a problem, mate.
- Yeah, my problem is you won't
give me my fuckin' shit!
[snarling]
Mmm! The people here are rubbish too!
Aw, yeah.
That's the good shit right there.
- We made the phrase "Tall Poppy"
synonymous with evil,
something to destroy, so
[groans] that if the real creature
ever escaped,
we Australians would know what to do.
And now it has been unleashed
because the bins didn't go out.
Okay, yeah, pretty straightforward.
Stop the Tall Poppy or we're all doomed!
Ughhhh
Spider, we have to get back quick!
The old man said
that thing loves to eat rubbish,
and my house is covered in it!
[gunshot]
Spider? What did you do that for?
- In case he turned.
I didn't know if this was zombie rules.
Can't be too careful.
- Jesus Christ, Spi--
That was a human being.
Just get in the car, mate, let's go.
[sighs]
I've done it. I've fixed everything.
Lawnmowers, a Sega Saturn,
a Barcelona chair.
They're all perfect again.
Oh, but there must be
something else to fix!
Perhaps my life?
Uh-oh. Oh, no.
No, I'm starting to have
thoughts I don't want.
Oh, here they come.
Why did I settle down?
Is this it? Aaah!
Let me see
No, no, no! It looks way too planned.
It has to look candid, Liam.
McKayla and Rosie
will see through this in a second!
Or we could, I don't know
paint a Mechanized Duelist who specializes
in fighting oversized creatures!
All he needs is a good dry brush
and he can go into battle.
- [scoffs] Forget it!
I'm gonna take the picture myself.
- All right. But this could've been
the soldier that ended the Kthtquian war.
- ominous music playing ♪
[feet pounding]
[roaring]
- What the hell are you?
Get out of our yard!
- [snarls] I'm gonna eat your rubbish,
and then I'm gonna eat you too.
'Cause you're rubbish as well.
And then I'm
gonna get help.
I swear to god, this is the last time.
I know I'm addicted. I know, I'm aware.
Please don't judge me. [roars]
[screaming] Uch, gross!
- Alison!
- Hey! Tall Poppy!
Who the fuck are you?
- They call me Koala Man,
and Dapto is my town.
Release the girl, Tall Poppy.
This is not on!
Oh, but it is on, Koala Man!
By that I mean the battle
we are about to have!
epic music playing ♪
- Ah, this town
is so full of walking trash!
Why would I ever go back to my hole?
This is my town now!
- Never!
- [snarling] Yaaa!
[screams]
[electric guitar scratching]
Koala Man, hero for all ♪
Daptonians ♪
- Oi, Koala Man!
Sick theme song!
Koala Man, fighter of crime ♪
Defender of the way ♪
- If only there were
something we could do!
Wait! The Mechanized Duelist!
They specialize in fighting
oversized creatures.
Mum, do you think
you could fix up some of this stuff
if I told you what it should look like?
I can fix anything.
[roaring]
[Koala Man groaning]
- Stop moving!
You're messing up my perfect selfie!
[Tall Poppy chuckles]
[roars]
Hey, you! Mr. Scary Monster!
Looks like my miniature skills
are about to pay off, Alison.
Uh, Mum.
Something's wrong with the engine.
- Engine? Liam, I'm not a mechanic.
This thing can't move.
Ah. Then this was a bad plan.
Liam, you're a fucking idiot!
That's okay, son!
Trying is the first step
toward succeeding!
Look, you seem like a good bloke,
but I just really need to eat
all this yummy trash.
It's just it's just too delicious.
You forgot one thing, Tall Poppy.
One man's trash is another man's treasure.
- Uh, yeah,
that's why I'm eating it, cunt.
Eat this!
[roaring]
Oww! Who bloody put that there?!
[thuds]
[Tall Poppy groans]
[liquid burbling]
Oh, we're alive, dickhead!
Yeah, and we smell so good!
[sniffs] Oh!
- Liam, thank Christ
for your dumb, stupid toys!
That's all I ever wanted to hear, Dad.
[Tall Poppy snarling]
- Guess I just saw a flower monster
die in front of me vibe.
[neighbors shouting, jeering]
It's time, fellow Daptonians!
Kill the beast!
- I'm sorry.
I only wanted to clean up the town.
[crowd jeering]
[Tall Poppy weeping]
Wait!
Look, I know you all want
to kill this flower,
but don't you see that
by chopping down the Tall Poppy,
we're really chopping down ourselves?
He just wanted to clean up Dapto.
Just like me.
And, yes, maybe he went
on a murderous rampage,
but sometimes you can't help
but be what you are.
He's a Tall Poppy.
I'm a superhero.
And we're all in this together.
[sniffles] Fuck
That was fuckin' awesome.
That was like
a scene from a movie or some shit.
What, you think you're better than us
just 'cause you're trying
to teach us a lesson?
- Oh, la-di-dah!
Fuck off, Koala Man!
You're not better than me!
- You know what?
I've got an idea!
Let's spare the Tall Poppy!
I mean, he's just a bloke trying to get
on in this world, for heaven's sake!
- [cheering]
- Are you serious?
I just said exactly what he just said.
CROWD: Big Greg is nice!
Big Greg is nice!
- Send him to the shithole where we send
all our cleaned-up junkies: Hollywood!
[cheering]
TALL POPPY: Yay! Thank you.
- So? Did you see the picture I posted?
Pretty aloof, right?
- Um, sweetie, I hate to say it, but it
looked like you were trying too hard.
- What?!
- Yeah.
And I guess someone
posted it on a cringe page
and now you're
kind of famous for being cringe?
But I'll tell Rosie you said hiiii.
- Well played,
McKayla Taylor Mercedes, well played.
But I will become
the most powerful girl in school.
And you're going to find out
exactly how far I'll go to do it.
You saved Dapto, Kevin.
Even if I find this Koala Man stuff odd--
infuriating, really--
maybe the lesson is
you shouldn't try to fix broken things.
Just, you know, bury them till they
surface as a problem too big to ignore.
What I'm trying to say is
I'm proud of you.
- Yes, well, I wish I could
compliment you back, Vicky.
But you did illegally tamper
with our neighbors' rubbish,
and I really should report it.
[sighs] Let's go home, Kevin.
- Yeah, I'm catching
a flight tonight to Portland.
I just need to get away.
[doorbell rings]
Hold on, there's someone at the door.
- I couldn't let you leave
without saying goodbye.
Because I'm dying.
He's a pretty good actor, actually.
I'm happy for him. I heard
he kicked the rubbish addiction too.
- I can't believe he was only
in Hollywood for a few days
and he's already starring
with Alexandra Daddario
in a $1.5 million A24 movie.
Ah the dream.
MASK:
Kevin, what are you doing?
Whoever compromised the bins
is still out there!
Hush, koala thoughts.
I'm having date night with my best gal.
Though I still swear
I took those bins out
- What's that, Kevin?
- Nothing, darling!
Shall we cuddle in bed?
Oh, Kevin!
Mwah!
Everything is going according to plan.
Of course you took the bins out, Kevin.
But I brought them back up
so it looked like you never did.
First, I'll take your sanity.
Then I'll take everything
from you, Koala Man!
The Kookaburra will have the last laugh!
[hysterical laughter]
I'm the Kookaburra!
Koala Man ♪
Hero for all ♪
The Daptonians ♪
Koala Man ♪
Fighter of crime ♪
And defender of the way ♪
Koala Man ♪
He'll take a stand ♪
He'll rid the lands ♪
Of evil plans ♪
Yeah-eah-eah! ♪
fanfare playing ♪