LA to Vegas (2018) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1 Hi, I'm Captain Dave, and I'll be escorting you to an exclusive preview of the pilot episode of "LA to Vegas.
" If there's anything else you need snack, blanket, perhaps a cocktail well, you're on your own there.
That's not my job.
Enjoy the show.
[WOMEN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER P.
A.
.]
Hi, Mr.
Brightman.
It's Ronnie Messing.
We met yesterday.
I was just calling to Oh, wait! Sorry, not you.
I'm yelling at a car.
Anyway, I just want you to know I'm very, very interested in the job.
I still Oh, wait! Again, not you.
So call me.
I'm talking to you this time, not the car.
[EXASPERATED GRUNT.]
["VIVA LAS VEGAS" BY ELVIS PRESLEY PLAYING.]
- Hey, dick! - Sorry.
No liquids.
Gonna set my soul - Ow.
- On fire - Ow.
[PANTING.]
- Got a whole lot of money That's ready to burn So get those stakes up higher There's a thousand pretty women waitin' out there And they're all livin' Devil may care And I'm just the devil RONNIE: Excuse me, guys.
Sorry, I have to get through here.
I know.
Thank you very much.
- MAN: Hey! - Oh, God.
Sorry.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Oh.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Excuse me.
Viva Las Vegas [GRUNTS.]
Viva Viva Las Vegas.
- [SONG ENDS.]
- Welcome aboard.
Got dressed in the terminal again, didn't you? Well, at least I wore underwear this time.
Welcome! PILOT [OVER P.
A.
.]
: Jackpot Airlines.
Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.
[SLOT MACHINE CHIMING.]
That's the third time you've checked your phone.
Am I not enough for you? I'm sorry.
I'm expecting a call.
You heard about Margie Kendall at Delta, right? Yeah, they fired her after she freaked out and started sprinkling bacon all over the vegan meals.
Well, I applied for her job.
- I interviewed for it yesterday.
- Girl, no.
That's the JFK route.
You don't want it.
It's so sad.
The only reason people fly to New York is for work, and, ugh, to see plays.
Even the name JFK [WHISPERS.]
: so tragic.
It's not just about New York, Bernard.
New York leads to London, which leads to Hong Kong.
I could see the world.
Isn't that why we do this? Let me tell you something.
I've been doing this for a long time.
I've been on flights with royalty.
Hollywood royalty.
Elizabeth Taylor.
- She threw an earring at a baby.
- Okay.
And of all those destinations, Las Vegas is the most enchanting place there is.
A place where tigers are liberated from their dirty jungles, and acrobats can make a living.
Do you really want to leave this? I need to be on a real airline where people aren't just looking to cheat on their wives and butt-smuggle molly.
Don't joke.
I lost a friend that way.
MAN: Ronnie! Ronnie? - Ronnie! - Okay, okay.
Artem, what's the problem? There's a baby man sitting in my seat.
We've been over this.
There aren't assigned seats.
But you know this is my lucky seat.
If I sit here, I lose, if I sit here, I lose, but if I sit here, I win.
And I can hire some sexy dancing ladies.
This seat is a job creator.
Then pay the extra seven dollars for priority boarding.
It's only a lucky seat if it's free.
We don't care where we sit.
We'd just like two seats next to each other.
He's adorable.
Okay.
One moment.
- ARTEM: Thank you.
- Um Oh.
Hi.
I'm sorry, would you mind terribly sitting next to this pain in the ass and letting the couple take your row? [BRITISH ACCENT.]
: Oh, no.
No, I'd rather not.
I like to keep to myself, and he's a bit of a talker.
That's a nice shirt.
How much percent cotton? [SIGHS.]
: Okay.
Thank you.
That's helpful.
All right.
Anybody sitting next to an unoccupied seat and is willing to move gets free beer! - [PASSENGERS SHOUTING.]
- You! Not you.
- Anyone drinking for one? - [PASSENGERS SHOUTING.]
You, sir.
[PASSENGERS GROAN.]
- Thank you.
- Of course.
You're welcome.
After you.
You happy now, or is he bad luck, too? Not sure yet.
Are you Jew? Take it from me, Muay Thai will change your life.
- Mm-hmm.
- I myself started taking lessons, but I'm picking it up so fast that I'm also giving lessons.
Captain, cabin's ready and doors are closed.
All right, gentlemen, it's time to get high.
And also fly this old bird.
Just a little captain's joke.
I never get high when I'm flying, unless I mistimed the edible.
- Another captain's joke.
- [CHUCKLES.]
You really think that's a good use of everyone's time? If I can't have some fun with my passengers, why am I here? To fly the plane.
Go do that.
Ronnie, I haven't taken orders since I was in the Air Force or married.
Fortunately, I was honorably discharged from both.
He still looks at pictures of his ex-wife and cries.
You want to do the honors, Alan? - Yeah! - No.
You never touch this.
This is Captain Dave time.
Good afternoon, everyone.
This is your captain and friend.
I'd like to welcome you on Jackpot Airlines Flight 1610, service to "Lost Wages.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Why aren't you laughing? I've heard it, like, 1,200 times.
Okay, I saw you talking to the British invasion before.
Shut up right now and tell us everything.
Oh, it was magical.
I ask him to move, he said no.
But that accent.
Does he call his pants "trousers"? Ooh, I bet he likes warm beer.
Do we have any? The fridge is broken; that's all we have.
Maybe he's a secret agent like James Bond, who keeps falling in love with the witnesses he's sworn to protect.
But, oh, they keep getting killed.
Well, he's terrible at his job, then.
Explains why he flies this airline.
You know what? I'm just gonna find out British guy's deal myself.
I might as well, right? Today is my last chance.
- Why? What's going on? - Oh, I didn't tell you? Delta hired me for their JFK route.
You got Margie Kendall's job.
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY.]
: Oh Wow! That's so great! I mean, what a big big deal for you.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SCREAMING.]
DAVE: Ladies and gentlemen, if you're looking for a high-quality steak at a low-quality price, go to Ernie's Steakhouse off the Strip.
Trust me, I don't get paid to say this.
Free steak.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Oh, my God, are you a stripper? Um no.
Why not? You have an amazing body.
You could totally be a stripper.
I'm a stripper.
Kelly's a stripper.
We go to Vegas on the weekends because you can make, like, ten times more there than you would in L.
A.
Especially if there's a big fight in town or a trade show for phones or toilets or whatever.
I mean, you would not believe how lonely urinal salesmen are.
That all sounds neat.
Um, but actually, I'm going to Vegas to get married.
Oh, that's so romantic.
- Marriage is the best.
- Are you married? No.
But a lot of the guys who ask me for oral are.
Anyway, if you ever want to come by the club and dance, ask for Nichole.
I get a bonus for every new girl I bring in.
And don't worry, I'm not gonna make you trap or anything.
- Trap? - Tell you that we're gonna go and strip and party, but then force you into prostitution.
Oh.
Well, I wasn't worried about that, but now it's the only thing I'll ever worry about.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
I trained Jill.
How could they give her that job over me? So you didn't get JFK.
Personally, I think you dodged a bullet.
Unlike a certain president on a cold November day.
I did not take this job to be stuck on the same stupid route forever.
I thought I was going to travel the world, meet interesting people.
I thought I would have adventures.
I thought I was gonna be a dancer.
Oh, my God.
Is that how crazy I sound? Ronnie, this is where you belong.
You are great at this job.
You speak these people's language.
I don't want to speak their language.
I want to speak French or Italian or whatever accent Madonna's faking right now.
You leave Madonna out of this.
I can't do this anymore, Bernard.
I've had enough.
I quit.
- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
I'm done.
And the raving bitch in 5E needs a double screwdriver.
- There's no one in 5E.
- There is now.
And don't worry, I'm not gonna make you trap or anything.
[RONNIE SIGHS.]
MAN: Hey, we don't even need a chapel.
This guy will come to our hotel room and marry us for free - if we let him film the Never mind.
- Hello.
I would like to apologize for my earlier rudeness.
I didn't even say congratulations for wedding.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh.
Thank you.
So, give me the deets.
[KATIE CHUCKLES.]
You are eloping? Well, we actually aren't calling it that, but, yeah, I-I guess that is what we're doing.
Marriage is such a beautiful institution.
I'm married.
The first time I see wife, it was like Cupid hit me.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's how we felt.
- Yeah.
- We're high school sweethearts.
So why you elope? He knock you up? No.
God, no, she's not pregnant.
- I - [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, because you're virgins? It's religious, and now you want to get married quickly so he can make entry.
I'm sorry.
So he can what? Uh, we're-we're not religious.
It's just Our parents are throwing this giant wedding for us - that we don't want.
- [SIGHS.]
We finally decided to just do this on our own terms.
Well, I wish the both of you a lifetime full of happiness, luck and love.
- Thank you.
- ARTEM: Yup.
[LAUGHS.]
What a sweet man.
It is to piss off the parents.
[ELECTRONIC CHIME.]
[GAGS SOFTLY.]
Hey, King George, you want to have a drink with me? Seems like you're doing fine by yourself.
Vodka, scotch, tequila.
It's like you're hosting the Olympics in your liver.
Oh, yeah.
Well, Russia's in the lead, but Mexico's coming on strong.
Mmm.
Oh, come on.
One drink.
I'm having a bad day.
- Fine, I'll have one.
- Hmm.
But only 'cause I'm concerned about what all this liquor is doing to somebody of your body mass.
Oh, you've noticed my body mass.
Yes, well, you have to have a keen eye when you're an MI6 agent.
Even a terrible one who kills all his witnesses.
[LAUGHS.]
No, you don't kill them.
You're just so incompetent, they die on your watch.
- Oh, right.
- Yeah.
I need to do a better job of eavesdropping next time.
Mistakes like that get people killed.
- Yeah.
- [LAUGHS.]
You know, in eight months of flying, I think this is the most I've ever heard you talk.
Well, I guess it's 'cause you haven't got me drunk before.
- You want another one? - No.
No, no, no.
One more, and I'm gonna have to attend a tiny A.
A.
meeting.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay, so what do you really do? I am a professor of economics at, uh, UCLA.
Oh, well, are you at least, like, a rogue professor who plays by his own rules? No.
I generally operate within university bylaws.
Wait, did you say you teach economics? Okay, you might know this.
So, I'm an exotic dancer, and I get naked at work, but I also get naked in my home.
Can I write that off as a home office? I don't believe so.
[QUIETLY.]
: I'm gonna kill Amber.
Nice to see you.
Well, look at that.
You two kids getting married this weekend? Uh-huh.
That's fantastic.
You know, if you need an officiant Oh, actually, we might.
Are you ordained? Uh, yeah.
You're sitting in my ordination.
You know how a boat captain can marry anyone? I'm a plane captain.
- [KATIE CHUCKLES.]
- It's the same thing.
It's not the same thing.
Yes, it is.
What the hell do you know? I know that you should be flying this plane and not talking garbage.
If you understood anything about modern aviation, you know these planes fly themselves.
This baby is a technological marvel.
And besides, my job isn't just about flying the plane.
It's about connecting with the passengers.
Connect with us by not crashing the plane! I'll connect however the hell I want! Hey, you still owe me $300 from, uh, Vikings last week.
I'm good for it.
I really thought that Delta job was my chance.
I-I don't understand why this keeps happening to me.
Uh-huh.
"Uh-huh," what? Oh, it's nothing.
I was just clearing my throat.
The accent makes it sound, um, judgmental.
No, it's fine.
You can tell me.
I'm a big girl.
Well, I've observed that you are quite impulsive.
You did just quit your job on this airline because you didn't get a job on another airline, which is precisely when you would need a job on this airline.
Thank you very much, but I don't need to get lectured by you.
People literally pay to get lectured by me.
Okay, TED Talk, what would you have done? Well, since you asked, I would have analyzed current hiring trends in the job market, cross-referenced those with my experience and particular - Oh, my God! - If nothing else, I wouldn't have quit on the outbound flight, 'cause now you're gonna have to pay for your own way home.
Damn it.
Yes.
That was dumb on my part, but I go with my gut, unlike some overthinky British know-it-all with an NPR tote bag.
Okay, their programming is brought to us by listeners like me.
Well, I don't have to listen to you just because you have a sexy accent.
Well, I don't have to engage with you just because you're uncommonly beautiful.
Why are you complimenting me? You complimented me first.
This is a very confusing fight! You're a very confusing woman! Well, I know how to make it more confusing! [GROANS.]
That's wet, that's wet, that's wet.
This is so much grosser than I ever imagined it would be.
Never touch that with your hand! [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
You two banging in there? Rain check? - God, yes.
- Yeah, okay, okay.
DAVE: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Las Vegas.
[PASSENGERS CHEERING.]
Okay, so it looks like the chapel is next to a gun range.
- Ooh.
- Wait, the chapel is a gun range.
Hey, look, I've never done anything like that before.
I don't want you to think that Oh, I don't.
Also, by the way, neither have I.
- So I don't want you to think - I don't.
Good.
So, neither of us think.
PASSENGERS [CHANTING.]
: Vegas! Vegas! Vegas! [CHANTING CONTINUES.]
I'll call you when I'm back in L.
A.
I'd like that.
Vegas! Vegas! [ELECTRONIC CHIME.]
[MAN CLEARS THROAT.]
Well, bad news, folks.
Flight 1322 with service to Los Angeles will be delayed at least another hour.
I just want to throw up in my own house.
[SLOT MACHINE MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SLOT MACHINE CHIMING.]
Hey.
How'd you do this weekend? Ah, so-so.
[CHUCKLES.]
What about you? Pretty good.
Maybe I should quit card, become stripper, huh? Well, what are you working with? 'Cause you'll clean up if you're bigger than eight or smaller than three.
And then she says, "I can't be with someone who's always somewhere else.
" So I say, "Booboo, I'm a pilot.
" And she says, "No, emotionally somewhere else.
" Then I don't know what she said.
I had to end the FaceTime because we were landing.
Mmm.
One more for the road, Scotty.
I'm wheels up in ten.
[SIGHS.]
It's club soda.
[CHUCKLES.]
MAN [OVER P.
A.
.]
: Flight 1322, now boarding.
Hey, there.
Hi.
Uh, what are you doing here? I thought you quit.
Oh, well, you were right.
That might've been a little too impulsive.
And besides, this job is not all that bad.
I meet some interesting people at least, right? Uh, yeah, that's good.
Uh, pleased for you.
Here's the thing, uh, quick update Honey, all the bins are full.
I hate other people's stuff.
Hi.
Can you check this for us? "Us"? You two are together? Yeah.
We're married.
Isn't he lucky? Can you take it, please? Yes.
Absolutely.
I didn't realize you had so much baggage.
[COLIN GROANING QUIETLY.]
WOMAN: For the new trick, Pascal the Magnificent wants to make me disappear and then reappear in Jerusalem.
But I don't know.
I don't like hummus.
- [SEAT BELT INDICATOR CHIMES.]
- Excuse me.
Oh, no, it's guacamole I don't like.
I don't like guacamole.
RONNIE [OVER P.
A.
.]
: Attention, passengers, you are now free to move about the cabin.
Hello.
Could I please explain? No need.
I get it.
Mystery solved.
You go to Vegas every weekend to see your wife.
No.
I go to see my child.
Of course you have a family.
You didn't think about maybe mentioning that to me before? Oh, yeah, while you were unbuttoning my pants, I kept on thinking, "I can't wait for her to meet my son.
" - Look - I can't believe how stupid I feel.
I was just having such a bad day, and I really thought something nice came out of this.
But you're not nice.
You're just another guy who will do anything to get a woman into bathroom.
Just listen.
A few years ago, I was in Vegas for a conference.
I met a magician's assistant.
I didn't overthink it for once.
We spent the night together.
Ta-da! She's pregnant.
I mean, what are the odds? Well, it depends on her age, time in cycle, and which pocket you keep your cell phone.
It's roughly five to two.
That's not helpful.
Sit down, Colin.
We're done.
- Can we please just discuss - [ELECTRONIC CHIME.]
Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has turned on the fasten seat belt sign.
Please return to your seats.
The seat belt light isn't on.
[SEAT BELT INDICATOR CHIMES.]
Right, but we're not experiencing any Wow.
That is a terrifying trick.
And the thing that took my Muay Thai to the next level was when I realized [WHISPERS.]
: there are no levels.
You want to fly the plane? Okay.
What are you doing? Just taking a walk.
Mm-hmm.
And what's in your pocket? Is that Oh.
A sock? Were you gonna put a sock on the cockpit door? Yeah.
I'm doing it for all of you.
It's bad enough Alan has to watch.
This is not okay.
You cannot just go around putting socks wherever you want.
Captain Steve, who flies international, says he has sex all the time with the passengers.
How come I'm not allowed to do anything cool? How come I can't bond with some 21-year-old bros or officiate a wedding or make it with some EDM ho? Excuse me.
I'm into house.
And I cannot wait to hear all about that.
You think this is how I pictured my life? I grew up wanting to be a fighter pilot, not flying the puddle jumper to Vegas.
All I wanted to be was a hero.
Now I'll just settle for one decent story.
Please don't cockpit block me.
[SIGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Ronnie, can I at least have my sock back? My foot's freezing.
Hey, newlywed.
Where's the wifey? I just wanted to say thanks.
'Cause of her, I got a gift card.
What are you talking about? Well, she came to my club and danced and said I referred her.
To dance, you mean to strip? Well, yeah.
You didn't see? No.
Last time I saw Katie was Friday night.
So the wedding did not happen? No.
Okay? When we got to the hotel, she decided that I've been holding her back.
So, she broke it off and stayed in Vegas.
That's the story.
You happy now? No, I lost "Girl stays in Vegas" six to one.
You're a winner, Gary! Wait, you bet on my marriage falling apart? Eh What is wrong with you people?! Before she got on this plane, she was just a normal girl.
Two hours with all of you, and suddenly she's leaving me to go take her clothes off for a Saudi prince.
Oh, you guys met Raja.
No, he's not a Saudi prince.
He's just a Mexican with a pet falcon.
What's going on? This plane is full of monsters.
Okay.
You're not wrong, but the best thing you can do right now is just take a deep breath and relax.
Oh, now you want to get involved? You're not too busy having sex in the bathroom with that guy? Yeah, everybody knows about that.
Wait, you had sex with her? No, we did not have sex.
It was just a bit of over-the-trouser stuff.
Trousers.
Told you.
But, frankly, even if we did, it's none of your business.
- We've been separated a year.
- You're separated? Yes.
That's what I was trying to tell you before Oh, my God! Who cares?! Okay, just calm down.
Let me get you a nice warm beer.
Do not come near me, or I swear I will go Passenger 57 all over this place.
You leave Wesley Snipes out of this.
You people are the villains, and you know what happens to the villains? They go down.
- [PASSENGERS MURMURING.]
- Yeah, that's right.
I'll take out this whole plane.
They'll call me a hero.
They will throw parades in my honor! - Muay Thai! - [PASSENGERS GASPING.]
[RYAN GRUNTING.]
Ooh.
Okay.
Too far.
I get it.
That was too far.
Consider yourself grounded.
[PASSENGERS CHEERING.]
This is a pretty good story.
Making love in the cockpit would've been a better one.
[PLANE PASSES OVERHEAD.]
Oh, good luck, my friend.
We're all betting you're out on good behavior, so be nice, but don't be bitch! May I? Where's your wife? Ah, I got her a ticket back to Vegas.
She wanted to come to L.
A.
to work things out.
My instinct was to say no, but, um You overthought it? - Yes, I did.
- Mm.
[RONNIE CHUCKLES.]
So, where do you suppose this leaves me and you? I don't know.
Okay.
I'll have to think about it.
And I would say don't overthink it [RONNIE CHUCKLES.]
'cause I kind of like your impulsiveness.
I kind of like your NPR tote bag.
Aw, that's so sad.
I really thought they were gonna end up in another bathroom.
What the hell? Yeah, I've got a black light and a little dance floor in my apartment.
[CHUCKLES.]
Bye, guys.
Is that my sock? Alan! Give me back my sock! Alan!
" If there's anything else you need snack, blanket, perhaps a cocktail well, you're on your own there.
That's not my job.
Enjoy the show.
[WOMEN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER P.
A.
.]
Hi, Mr.
Brightman.
It's Ronnie Messing.
We met yesterday.
I was just calling to Oh, wait! Sorry, not you.
I'm yelling at a car.
Anyway, I just want you to know I'm very, very interested in the job.
I still Oh, wait! Again, not you.
So call me.
I'm talking to you this time, not the car.
[EXASPERATED GRUNT.]
["VIVA LAS VEGAS" BY ELVIS PRESLEY PLAYING.]
- Hey, dick! - Sorry.
No liquids.
Gonna set my soul - Ow.
- On fire - Ow.
[PANTING.]
- Got a whole lot of money That's ready to burn So get those stakes up higher There's a thousand pretty women waitin' out there And they're all livin' Devil may care And I'm just the devil RONNIE: Excuse me, guys.
Sorry, I have to get through here.
I know.
Thank you very much.
- MAN: Hey! - Oh, God.
Sorry.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Oh.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Excuse me.
Viva Las Vegas [GRUNTS.]
Viva Viva Las Vegas.
- [SONG ENDS.]
- Welcome aboard.
Got dressed in the terminal again, didn't you? Well, at least I wore underwear this time.
Welcome! PILOT [OVER P.
A.
.]
: Jackpot Airlines.
Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.
[SLOT MACHINE CHIMING.]
That's the third time you've checked your phone.
Am I not enough for you? I'm sorry.
I'm expecting a call.
You heard about Margie Kendall at Delta, right? Yeah, they fired her after she freaked out and started sprinkling bacon all over the vegan meals.
Well, I applied for her job.
- I interviewed for it yesterday.
- Girl, no.
That's the JFK route.
You don't want it.
It's so sad.
The only reason people fly to New York is for work, and, ugh, to see plays.
Even the name JFK [WHISPERS.]
: so tragic.
It's not just about New York, Bernard.
New York leads to London, which leads to Hong Kong.
I could see the world.
Isn't that why we do this? Let me tell you something.
I've been doing this for a long time.
I've been on flights with royalty.
Hollywood royalty.
Elizabeth Taylor.
- She threw an earring at a baby.
- Okay.
And of all those destinations, Las Vegas is the most enchanting place there is.
A place where tigers are liberated from their dirty jungles, and acrobats can make a living.
Do you really want to leave this? I need to be on a real airline where people aren't just looking to cheat on their wives and butt-smuggle molly.
Don't joke.
I lost a friend that way.
MAN: Ronnie! Ronnie? - Ronnie! - Okay, okay.
Artem, what's the problem? There's a baby man sitting in my seat.
We've been over this.
There aren't assigned seats.
But you know this is my lucky seat.
If I sit here, I lose, if I sit here, I lose, but if I sit here, I win.
And I can hire some sexy dancing ladies.
This seat is a job creator.
Then pay the extra seven dollars for priority boarding.
It's only a lucky seat if it's free.
We don't care where we sit.
We'd just like two seats next to each other.
He's adorable.
Okay.
One moment.
- ARTEM: Thank you.
- Um Oh.
Hi.
I'm sorry, would you mind terribly sitting next to this pain in the ass and letting the couple take your row? [BRITISH ACCENT.]
: Oh, no.
No, I'd rather not.
I like to keep to myself, and he's a bit of a talker.
That's a nice shirt.
How much percent cotton? [SIGHS.]
: Okay.
Thank you.
That's helpful.
All right.
Anybody sitting next to an unoccupied seat and is willing to move gets free beer! - [PASSENGERS SHOUTING.]
- You! Not you.
- Anyone drinking for one? - [PASSENGERS SHOUTING.]
You, sir.
[PASSENGERS GROAN.]
- Thank you.
- Of course.
You're welcome.
After you.
You happy now, or is he bad luck, too? Not sure yet.
Are you Jew? Take it from me, Muay Thai will change your life.
- Mm-hmm.
- I myself started taking lessons, but I'm picking it up so fast that I'm also giving lessons.
Captain, cabin's ready and doors are closed.
All right, gentlemen, it's time to get high.
And also fly this old bird.
Just a little captain's joke.
I never get high when I'm flying, unless I mistimed the edible.
- Another captain's joke.
- [CHUCKLES.]
You really think that's a good use of everyone's time? If I can't have some fun with my passengers, why am I here? To fly the plane.
Go do that.
Ronnie, I haven't taken orders since I was in the Air Force or married.
Fortunately, I was honorably discharged from both.
He still looks at pictures of his ex-wife and cries.
You want to do the honors, Alan? - Yeah! - No.
You never touch this.
This is Captain Dave time.
Good afternoon, everyone.
This is your captain and friend.
I'd like to welcome you on Jackpot Airlines Flight 1610, service to "Lost Wages.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Why aren't you laughing? I've heard it, like, 1,200 times.
Okay, I saw you talking to the British invasion before.
Shut up right now and tell us everything.
Oh, it was magical.
I ask him to move, he said no.
But that accent.
Does he call his pants "trousers"? Ooh, I bet he likes warm beer.
Do we have any? The fridge is broken; that's all we have.
Maybe he's a secret agent like James Bond, who keeps falling in love with the witnesses he's sworn to protect.
But, oh, they keep getting killed.
Well, he's terrible at his job, then.
Explains why he flies this airline.
You know what? I'm just gonna find out British guy's deal myself.
I might as well, right? Today is my last chance.
- Why? What's going on? - Oh, I didn't tell you? Delta hired me for their JFK route.
You got Margie Kendall's job.
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY.]
: Oh Wow! That's so great! I mean, what a big big deal for you.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SCREAMING.]
DAVE: Ladies and gentlemen, if you're looking for a high-quality steak at a low-quality price, go to Ernie's Steakhouse off the Strip.
Trust me, I don't get paid to say this.
Free steak.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Oh, my God, are you a stripper? Um no.
Why not? You have an amazing body.
You could totally be a stripper.
I'm a stripper.
Kelly's a stripper.
We go to Vegas on the weekends because you can make, like, ten times more there than you would in L.
A.
Especially if there's a big fight in town or a trade show for phones or toilets or whatever.
I mean, you would not believe how lonely urinal salesmen are.
That all sounds neat.
Um, but actually, I'm going to Vegas to get married.
Oh, that's so romantic.
- Marriage is the best.
- Are you married? No.
But a lot of the guys who ask me for oral are.
Anyway, if you ever want to come by the club and dance, ask for Nichole.
I get a bonus for every new girl I bring in.
And don't worry, I'm not gonna make you trap or anything.
- Trap? - Tell you that we're gonna go and strip and party, but then force you into prostitution.
Oh.
Well, I wasn't worried about that, but now it's the only thing I'll ever worry about.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
I trained Jill.
How could they give her that job over me? So you didn't get JFK.
Personally, I think you dodged a bullet.
Unlike a certain president on a cold November day.
I did not take this job to be stuck on the same stupid route forever.
I thought I was going to travel the world, meet interesting people.
I thought I would have adventures.
I thought I was gonna be a dancer.
Oh, my God.
Is that how crazy I sound? Ronnie, this is where you belong.
You are great at this job.
You speak these people's language.
I don't want to speak their language.
I want to speak French or Italian or whatever accent Madonna's faking right now.
You leave Madonna out of this.
I can't do this anymore, Bernard.
I've had enough.
I quit.
- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
I'm done.
And the raving bitch in 5E needs a double screwdriver.
- There's no one in 5E.
- There is now.
And don't worry, I'm not gonna make you trap or anything.
[RONNIE SIGHS.]
MAN: Hey, we don't even need a chapel.
This guy will come to our hotel room and marry us for free - if we let him film the Never mind.
- Hello.
I would like to apologize for my earlier rudeness.
I didn't even say congratulations for wedding.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh.
Thank you.
So, give me the deets.
[KATIE CHUCKLES.]
You are eloping? Well, we actually aren't calling it that, but, yeah, I-I guess that is what we're doing.
Marriage is such a beautiful institution.
I'm married.
The first time I see wife, it was like Cupid hit me.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's how we felt.
- Yeah.
- We're high school sweethearts.
So why you elope? He knock you up? No.
God, no, she's not pregnant.
- I - [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, because you're virgins? It's religious, and now you want to get married quickly so he can make entry.
I'm sorry.
So he can what? Uh, we're-we're not religious.
It's just Our parents are throwing this giant wedding for us - that we don't want.
- [SIGHS.]
We finally decided to just do this on our own terms.
Well, I wish the both of you a lifetime full of happiness, luck and love.
- Thank you.
- ARTEM: Yup.
[LAUGHS.]
What a sweet man.
It is to piss off the parents.
[ELECTRONIC CHIME.]
[GAGS SOFTLY.]
Hey, King George, you want to have a drink with me? Seems like you're doing fine by yourself.
Vodka, scotch, tequila.
It's like you're hosting the Olympics in your liver.
Oh, yeah.
Well, Russia's in the lead, but Mexico's coming on strong.
Mmm.
Oh, come on.
One drink.
I'm having a bad day.
- Fine, I'll have one.
- Hmm.
But only 'cause I'm concerned about what all this liquor is doing to somebody of your body mass.
Oh, you've noticed my body mass.
Yes, well, you have to have a keen eye when you're an MI6 agent.
Even a terrible one who kills all his witnesses.
[LAUGHS.]
No, you don't kill them.
You're just so incompetent, they die on your watch.
- Oh, right.
- Yeah.
I need to do a better job of eavesdropping next time.
Mistakes like that get people killed.
- Yeah.
- [LAUGHS.]
You know, in eight months of flying, I think this is the most I've ever heard you talk.
Well, I guess it's 'cause you haven't got me drunk before.
- You want another one? - No.
No, no, no.
One more, and I'm gonna have to attend a tiny A.
A.
meeting.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay, so what do you really do? I am a professor of economics at, uh, UCLA.
Oh, well, are you at least, like, a rogue professor who plays by his own rules? No.
I generally operate within university bylaws.
Wait, did you say you teach economics? Okay, you might know this.
So, I'm an exotic dancer, and I get naked at work, but I also get naked in my home.
Can I write that off as a home office? I don't believe so.
[QUIETLY.]
: I'm gonna kill Amber.
Nice to see you.
Well, look at that.
You two kids getting married this weekend? Uh-huh.
That's fantastic.
You know, if you need an officiant Oh, actually, we might.
Are you ordained? Uh, yeah.
You're sitting in my ordination.
You know how a boat captain can marry anyone? I'm a plane captain.
- [KATIE CHUCKLES.]
- It's the same thing.
It's not the same thing.
Yes, it is.
What the hell do you know? I know that you should be flying this plane and not talking garbage.
If you understood anything about modern aviation, you know these planes fly themselves.
This baby is a technological marvel.
And besides, my job isn't just about flying the plane.
It's about connecting with the passengers.
Connect with us by not crashing the plane! I'll connect however the hell I want! Hey, you still owe me $300 from, uh, Vikings last week.
I'm good for it.
I really thought that Delta job was my chance.
I-I don't understand why this keeps happening to me.
Uh-huh.
"Uh-huh," what? Oh, it's nothing.
I was just clearing my throat.
The accent makes it sound, um, judgmental.
No, it's fine.
You can tell me.
I'm a big girl.
Well, I've observed that you are quite impulsive.
You did just quit your job on this airline because you didn't get a job on another airline, which is precisely when you would need a job on this airline.
Thank you very much, but I don't need to get lectured by you.
People literally pay to get lectured by me.
Okay, TED Talk, what would you have done? Well, since you asked, I would have analyzed current hiring trends in the job market, cross-referenced those with my experience and particular - Oh, my God! - If nothing else, I wouldn't have quit on the outbound flight, 'cause now you're gonna have to pay for your own way home.
Damn it.
Yes.
That was dumb on my part, but I go with my gut, unlike some overthinky British know-it-all with an NPR tote bag.
Okay, their programming is brought to us by listeners like me.
Well, I don't have to listen to you just because you have a sexy accent.
Well, I don't have to engage with you just because you're uncommonly beautiful.
Why are you complimenting me? You complimented me first.
This is a very confusing fight! You're a very confusing woman! Well, I know how to make it more confusing! [GROANS.]
That's wet, that's wet, that's wet.
This is so much grosser than I ever imagined it would be.
Never touch that with your hand! [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
You two banging in there? Rain check? - God, yes.
- Yeah, okay, okay.
DAVE: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Las Vegas.
[PASSENGERS CHEERING.]
Okay, so it looks like the chapel is next to a gun range.
- Ooh.
- Wait, the chapel is a gun range.
Hey, look, I've never done anything like that before.
I don't want you to think that Oh, I don't.
Also, by the way, neither have I.
- So I don't want you to think - I don't.
Good.
So, neither of us think.
PASSENGERS [CHANTING.]
: Vegas! Vegas! Vegas! [CHANTING CONTINUES.]
I'll call you when I'm back in L.
A.
I'd like that.
Vegas! Vegas! [ELECTRONIC CHIME.]
[MAN CLEARS THROAT.]
Well, bad news, folks.
Flight 1322 with service to Los Angeles will be delayed at least another hour.
I just want to throw up in my own house.
[SLOT MACHINE MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SLOT MACHINE CHIMING.]
Hey.
How'd you do this weekend? Ah, so-so.
[CHUCKLES.]
What about you? Pretty good.
Maybe I should quit card, become stripper, huh? Well, what are you working with? 'Cause you'll clean up if you're bigger than eight or smaller than three.
And then she says, "I can't be with someone who's always somewhere else.
" So I say, "Booboo, I'm a pilot.
" And she says, "No, emotionally somewhere else.
" Then I don't know what she said.
I had to end the FaceTime because we were landing.
Mmm.
One more for the road, Scotty.
I'm wheels up in ten.
[SIGHS.]
It's club soda.
[CHUCKLES.]
MAN [OVER P.
A.
.]
: Flight 1322, now boarding.
Hey, there.
Hi.
Uh, what are you doing here? I thought you quit.
Oh, well, you were right.
That might've been a little too impulsive.
And besides, this job is not all that bad.
I meet some interesting people at least, right? Uh, yeah, that's good.
Uh, pleased for you.
Here's the thing, uh, quick update Honey, all the bins are full.
I hate other people's stuff.
Hi.
Can you check this for us? "Us"? You two are together? Yeah.
We're married.
Isn't he lucky? Can you take it, please? Yes.
Absolutely.
I didn't realize you had so much baggage.
[COLIN GROANING QUIETLY.]
WOMAN: For the new trick, Pascal the Magnificent wants to make me disappear and then reappear in Jerusalem.
But I don't know.
I don't like hummus.
- [SEAT BELT INDICATOR CHIMES.]
- Excuse me.
Oh, no, it's guacamole I don't like.
I don't like guacamole.
RONNIE [OVER P.
A.
.]
: Attention, passengers, you are now free to move about the cabin.
Hello.
Could I please explain? No need.
I get it.
Mystery solved.
You go to Vegas every weekend to see your wife.
No.
I go to see my child.
Of course you have a family.
You didn't think about maybe mentioning that to me before? Oh, yeah, while you were unbuttoning my pants, I kept on thinking, "I can't wait for her to meet my son.
" - Look - I can't believe how stupid I feel.
I was just having such a bad day, and I really thought something nice came out of this.
But you're not nice.
You're just another guy who will do anything to get a woman into bathroom.
Just listen.
A few years ago, I was in Vegas for a conference.
I met a magician's assistant.
I didn't overthink it for once.
We spent the night together.
Ta-da! She's pregnant.
I mean, what are the odds? Well, it depends on her age, time in cycle, and which pocket you keep your cell phone.
It's roughly five to two.
That's not helpful.
Sit down, Colin.
We're done.
- Can we please just discuss - [ELECTRONIC CHIME.]
Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has turned on the fasten seat belt sign.
Please return to your seats.
The seat belt light isn't on.
[SEAT BELT INDICATOR CHIMES.]
Right, but we're not experiencing any Wow.
That is a terrifying trick.
And the thing that took my Muay Thai to the next level was when I realized [WHISPERS.]
: there are no levels.
You want to fly the plane? Okay.
What are you doing? Just taking a walk.
Mm-hmm.
And what's in your pocket? Is that Oh.
A sock? Were you gonna put a sock on the cockpit door? Yeah.
I'm doing it for all of you.
It's bad enough Alan has to watch.
This is not okay.
You cannot just go around putting socks wherever you want.
Captain Steve, who flies international, says he has sex all the time with the passengers.
How come I'm not allowed to do anything cool? How come I can't bond with some 21-year-old bros or officiate a wedding or make it with some EDM ho? Excuse me.
I'm into house.
And I cannot wait to hear all about that.
You think this is how I pictured my life? I grew up wanting to be a fighter pilot, not flying the puddle jumper to Vegas.
All I wanted to be was a hero.
Now I'll just settle for one decent story.
Please don't cockpit block me.
[SIGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Ronnie, can I at least have my sock back? My foot's freezing.
Hey, newlywed.
Where's the wifey? I just wanted to say thanks.
'Cause of her, I got a gift card.
What are you talking about? Well, she came to my club and danced and said I referred her.
To dance, you mean to strip? Well, yeah.
You didn't see? No.
Last time I saw Katie was Friday night.
So the wedding did not happen? No.
Okay? When we got to the hotel, she decided that I've been holding her back.
So, she broke it off and stayed in Vegas.
That's the story.
You happy now? No, I lost "Girl stays in Vegas" six to one.
You're a winner, Gary! Wait, you bet on my marriage falling apart? Eh What is wrong with you people?! Before she got on this plane, she was just a normal girl.
Two hours with all of you, and suddenly she's leaving me to go take her clothes off for a Saudi prince.
Oh, you guys met Raja.
No, he's not a Saudi prince.
He's just a Mexican with a pet falcon.
What's going on? This plane is full of monsters.
Okay.
You're not wrong, but the best thing you can do right now is just take a deep breath and relax.
Oh, now you want to get involved? You're not too busy having sex in the bathroom with that guy? Yeah, everybody knows about that.
Wait, you had sex with her? No, we did not have sex.
It was just a bit of over-the-trouser stuff.
Trousers.
Told you.
But, frankly, even if we did, it's none of your business.
- We've been separated a year.
- You're separated? Yes.
That's what I was trying to tell you before Oh, my God! Who cares?! Okay, just calm down.
Let me get you a nice warm beer.
Do not come near me, or I swear I will go Passenger 57 all over this place.
You leave Wesley Snipes out of this.
You people are the villains, and you know what happens to the villains? They go down.
- [PASSENGERS MURMURING.]
- Yeah, that's right.
I'll take out this whole plane.
They'll call me a hero.
They will throw parades in my honor! - Muay Thai! - [PASSENGERS GASPING.]
[RYAN GRUNTING.]
Ooh.
Okay.
Too far.
I get it.
That was too far.
Consider yourself grounded.
[PASSENGERS CHEERING.]
This is a pretty good story.
Making love in the cockpit would've been a better one.
[PLANE PASSES OVERHEAD.]
Oh, good luck, my friend.
We're all betting you're out on good behavior, so be nice, but don't be bitch! May I? Where's your wife? Ah, I got her a ticket back to Vegas.
She wanted to come to L.
A.
to work things out.
My instinct was to say no, but, um You overthought it? - Yes, I did.
- Mm.
[RONNIE CHUCKLES.]
So, where do you suppose this leaves me and you? I don't know.
Okay.
I'll have to think about it.
And I would say don't overthink it [RONNIE CHUCKLES.]
'cause I kind of like your impulsiveness.
I kind of like your NPR tote bag.
Aw, that's so sad.
I really thought they were gonna end up in another bathroom.
What the hell? Yeah, I've got a black light and a little dance floor in my apartment.
[CHUCKLES.]
Bye, guys.
Is that my sock? Alan! Give me back my sock! Alan!