Laid (2011) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
(JAUNTY MUSIC) SONG: # There's one pet I like to pet And every evening we get set I stroke it every chance I get It's my girl's pussy Often it goes out at night Returns at break of dawn No matter what the weather's like It's always nice and warm I bring titbits that it loves We spoon like two turtledoves I take care to remove my gloves When stroking my girl's pussy.
And the entire process should take about 45 minutes.
OK, so I'll start.
I'll say it and you repeat it and that way you'll know what to do when it's your turn.
My name is Roo McVie.
Repeat it back.
(ALL DRONE) My name is Roo McVie.
Great.
But you'd put your own name in there, obviously.
And then a little bit about yourself.
My name's David Miller.
I'm 33.
I like Supertramp.
And, um, my favourite type of aircraft are Gulf War period fighter planes.
I'm 27.
I have nine kids, a dog and a bird.
Kids are named in alphabetical order, just for something different.
I'm not trying to have 26 or anything but just you know.
And if I had more time I'd like to start a company with my brother where at school sporting events we offer haircuts to parents.
Usually there's a coffee cart, we wanna do haircuts.
Right, great.
And that is when you tell us what you think about soy.
And remember, there are no right and wrong answers in market research, just your own.
So hands up here who gets a little aroused just by looking at this? That was a hypothetical, just a joke.
Sorry.
What? Er, positive.
Yep.
Negative.
Yep.
Did they give a reason? Er, they said it tastes like sock.
Just one sock? Just 'sock' singular? Er, yep.
Ooh.
What now? Someone likes you.
Why, what What did they say? Asks if you're single, as if it's not obvious.
It's the hair.
Who is it? OK.
Did you see who did that? They're not getting paid.
Brilliant responses, thank you.
Does anyone have any questions before you head off to the alcoholic cider session? Yes? Will you be taking the next session too? Sadly, no.
Um, you'll be in the capable hands of the lovely Darren.
(GROANING) Oh, come on, just He's a retard! No.
That's not a very PC word, OK? Yes? So are you single? Mate, that's crossing a line, Oh, yeah? Your face crosses a line, mate.
That doesn't make sense.
Yeah, it makes sense to me - your face crosses a line.
OK, let's just calm down.
I'm only trying to defend you from Mr Sex Predator over here.
Oh, sex predator? Well, you're not the boss of me, are you? So why don't you eat this? Mate, want some frigging soy chips? Want some more? OK, let's not let's not ruin the leftovers.
Just leave it.
More? WOMAN: They're fucking bagpipes! MAN: It was a present for you! A present?! I walked in and you were playing them! Because you said you loved Johnny Farnham! I said I loved Johnny Cash, like, six months ago.
Like you ever listen.
Take your fucking bagpipes and just get out! Good evening.
Oh.
Can you please tell him to take his fucking Crocs out of the bathroom while he's at it? Zach, would you mind I can hear her.
I can hear you! I'm not deaf! You might wanna add that the only people who wear those shoes are midwives and child molesters, and even they don't get the orange ones! They're fire-engine red! And anyway, I volunteered I asked for the alcoholic cider group but it was already taken.
remember it was you who wanted to go bushwalking in the first place! (DOOR SLAMS) On a scale of 1 to 10? (SIGHS) 11.
3.
Gone gone? Do you think it'll stick? Time will tell.
Try the chocolate - it tastes like Steiner kids smell.
VOICEMAIL: Message received at 5:25 p.
m.
WOMAN: Love, it's Mum.
Look, I tried to call you at the office and they said you'd left for the day.
I'm not sure if you've heard the news.
If you haven't, then I'm sorry to be the one to tell you.
Brendan Atherton's dead.
I haven't thought about Brendan Atherton in 10 years.
I wish he was better in bed so this moment wasn't so awkward for you.
He was an arseclown.
Who dies from an allergic reaction to kava? Do you know what? I never told you this.
One time at uni when he went past you in the corridor, he licked your hair.
Like, no-one else saw it.
He just changed his mind.
You walked past, he just, like, saw an opportunity and went, "Yep.
" It was I didn't tell you.
I thought it would freak you out.
That's sad.
Poor Brendan Atherton.
Poor me - I had to sleep with him.
Twice.
Two times too many.
Let's drink to Brendan Atherton.
it's what he would've wanted.
I think he would have wanted us to get a pizza as well.
(MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY) it's weird, isn't it, when someone dies that you don't know very well? You knew him.
Biblically.
What, but not spiritually? Brendan Atherton and his tiny, tiny testicles.
That's right, he had a weird little ball bag.
Mmm.
They were like precious little flesh marbles.
That's gonna be the name of my cover band.
Good choice.
"Thank you! We've been Flesh Marbles!" Do testicles keep growing after you die? No, that's hair and nails.
Oh.
Poor Brendan Atherton.
I wonder if his technique improved.
Poor Brendan Atherton.
Did you want this? When you're done.
Did you know, one of my ex-boyfriends died on Tuesday? Oh, he wasn't really a boyfriend.
We just slept together a couple of times at uni.
Wow, that's incredibly tragic.
Yeah, the poor guy.
He wasn't very good, if you know what I mean.
I think he might have learnt about women's bodies from that scene in 'Revenge of the Nerds' when they drilled the hole in the locker room.
I meant it's tragic that he died.
Very tragic.
It was awful.
He drank so much kava he OD'd.
If the opened him up he'd be like like a giant mud brick.
A giant, very drunk, bogan mud brick.
You could start building your bogan tree-change dream house with him.
I happen to find the subject of death relatively unamusing.
What? I didn't know him that well.
Still, someone did.
Mmm, his family.
I'm not I'm not saying it's funny, I'm just I'm just saying that when you think about it, that drinking that much kava, it's a relatively funny way to die.
Then you've got a relatively warped sense of humour if you find it funny.
I have an excellent sense of humour.
I just don't see how this is relevant.
It's entirely relevant.
Condensed milk is strongly linked to comedy.
What does it mean by 'slapstick'? (LAUGHS) Oh, come on, everyone knows what slapstick is.
It's the pie in the face, that kind of thing.
I don't find that very funny.
OK, there you go then.
You put down 'not funny' next to that option.
I like 'Two and a Half Men', though.
Do you? (LAUGHS) Yeah.
Fat kid's a classic.
Yes, he is.
OK, well, you can put that down then.
Hah, just the man I was coming to see.
I think you'll find that four out of five condensed milk drinkers find gallows humour funny.
So if we apply the survey results to the conversation I take it that's your ex-partner.
(SIGHS) Precious memories.
They've really danced around the whole 'human house brick' thing, haven't they? But you can see they're keen to take it further.
I'm really surprised at the way you're behaving with this.
What are you talking about? He was a person too.
A human being.
I know.
I think I might be using humour as a defence mechanism.
Don't touch me.
Oh, he had over 500 friends.
WOMAN: Don't do it.
You're only making things worse.
Yeah, but you haven't seen his little Myspace pictures.
They're really quite sweet.
And his 'Religious Views' thing on Facebook says "Bundy's my god.
" Presumably he means the drink and not the serial killer.
How did you get access to his Facebook profile? I confirmed his pending friend request.
Dude, that is so repulsively morbid.
Oh, my God.
What? He's on Adult Match Maker.
Eww! Oh, my Go He refers to himself as a 'cock jockey'.
Who says that? Are there pictures? Yes.
Oh, my God.
Quick, give me the URL.
OK, go to the Adult Match Maker home page and then click on 'Men', do 'Locality' - he's the third one down.
OK, hang on a sec.
You've gotta see this picture - he's got, like, a well I think it's a gerbera but I can't see its head.
Hang on! Hang on! Oh, my God.
Nice ear candle.
See? (COMPUTER HUMS LOUDLY) Shit.
What? (WOMAN SIGHS) My computer's spazzed out.
Shin (MUTTERING) WOMAN: Ladies and gents, just had a major meltdown over here.
I've seized too.
Please tell me someone saved the August spreadsheets to shareware.
(WHISPERS) I've gotta go.
Derek, can you get IT? Have they figured out what the problem is yet? The new IT guy's looking at it now, so shouldn't be long.
Bit of a coincidence, isn't it? That the computers should crash today of all days.
Why's that? You don't know what day it is? Samuel L.
Jackson.
Sssssss.
Looks like a bit of a mess.
Yeah, should be back online by this arvo, though.
It's, er, probably a bit difficult to suss out the origins of these types of thing, is it? Oh, I dunno.
it's not that hard when you sift through it.
It's kind of like a process of, er, elimination.
Hi.
Hi.
Really? And then I think he said Samuel L.
Jackson was involved with 9/11, or something along those lines.
I wasn't sure if he was being racist so I didn't say anything.
What do you mean? Oh, about whether, you know black people were responsible.
Oh, God, no.
That's just because he thinks Samuel L.
Jackson is an actual spy.
Ah.
But he is a bit racist.
And he's single, if you're looking.
Oh.
(LAUGHS) I'm not.
I mean, I'm, er, I'm not, er Oh, no.
I was kidding.
(LAUGHS) (COMPUTER BEEPS) OK.
Er, that that's not what it looks like.
Look, it's your business.
No, we're doing some research.
We're holding some focus groups on .
.
autoerotic asphyxiation and cross-dressing.
Look, if you and your boyfriend wanna swap saucy emails Oh, no, he's not my boyfriend.
No, no, no! We slept together a couple of times at uni.
But not like that.
He's just an ordinary guy.
He's not Annabel Chong.
I'm not saying he is.
Was.
Oh, moved through his experimental phase, has he? Yes, into the afterlife.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, he passed on very recently.
Oh.
Oh, er, um, er, sorry.
I hope this didn't come as a shock to you, then, seeing him, um, on the computer.
Yeah, I think that's a third person there.
Are you sure? Not really.
You can't go to the funeral.
Why not? You didn't even know the guy.
We had sex.
We shared fluids.
Oh, fluid-sharers, they get to sit up the front.
Very funny.
Can you even gatecrash a funeral anyway? It seems like it's spectacularly poor form.
I'm not gatecrashing.
The family put the details in the paper.
They want people to come.
If Brendan Atherton hadn't have died, you'd still be referring to him as "that dickhead from uni".
If I'd given him more of a chance, we might've fallen completely in love.
He might've been able to aim his party wee at your bosom instead of your eye.
Uncalled for.
I just think you're being overly sentimental for no reason.
What good is gonna come from you going? I might get some closure.
Oh, my God.
I might.
I might even have a little cry.
I might be the kind of person who has a little cry at funerals.
You've gone all strange.
It won't be weird if you come with me.
No way.
Please.
I can barely remember what Brendan Atherton looks like.
Say yes.
No! Fine! I'll go by myself.
Good.
I'll be alone at a funeral.
Would you stop it? All alone at a funeral.
You going to have a little cry now? Alone! Do you want me to call the wambulance? (SOFT MURMURING) Ruth? Roo.
Hello.
I'm Trish Atherton, Brendan's mother.
Hello.
My gosh, it's so nice to meet you after all these years.
Yes, you too.
I recognised you from the photographs, of course.
Yes, the photographs there.
Brendan just adored you.
You made such an impact.
Well, yes as did he on me.
You know, he used to refer to you as "the one that got away".
He would have given anything to have had another chance with you.
Doug.
Yeah? This is Ruth.
Oh! Hello.
Hello.
I'm I'm sorry for your loss.
And I'm sorry for yours.
Have you met Brendan's girlfriend, Imogen? Oh.
Hi.
Hello.
You know you two could be sisters.
(SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYS) Tough day, isn't it? Davey! Oh! God, I haven't seen you in ages.
Well, not since that Well, at the party where Blair always did throw pretty wild parties, didn't he? Yeah.
So, how have you been? What have you been up to? You working, you're living locally? You're still living with your brother round here? Sorry, do you mind if I just take a moment? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Excuse me.
Ruth.
Oh, hello, Mrs Atherton.
Are you right for a lift to the wake? Oh, I'll I'll just get a bus.
We can give you a lift.
I don't want to be any trouble.
No, we're right to drive you.
There's plenty of room in the car.
You know, I think Brendan would be quietly chuffed by the thought of you riding in the old family Merc.
Wouldn't he, Doug? I think he'd be thrilled.
There you go, then.
Er, sh shall we put the radio on for a bit? It's, er A little music might be nice.
(DAVE DOBBYN SINGS) # .
.
my horizon # She's a slice of heaven Ba, da, da, dum-dum Ba, da, da, dum-dum (HUMS SOFTLY) Ba, da, da, dum-dum Ba, da-da, da, dum Ba, da, da, dum-dum Ba, da, da, dum-dum Ba, da, da, dum-dum You've got balls showing up today.
Sorry? How could you treat Brendan like that? Like what? Like shit! I didn't treat Brendan like shit.
You took his virginity and got rid of him.
Really sensitive.
Look, I didn't kn.
I'm sorry you think that, but I didn't mean to hurt him, really.
Oh, excuse me, one tick.
(WHISPERS) Oh, thank goodness.
Just the kind of guy you could go to in your time of need, you know.
Really rock-solid.
Yeah.
We hadn't had a lot of contact in recent years.
We were Facebook friends, though.
Oh.
(EXHALES SHARPLY) Sorry, it's just Today's really hard, you know.
It must be hard for you too.
Yes, it it is.
I bet.
It's really nice to see you, Davey.
You too.
I mean, I know the circumstances aren't great.
No kidding.
Listen, do you wanna get a cab or something? We could talk more.
That'd be great.
OK.
Where to, mate? Just to Bridge Street Station, thanks, mate.
Where are you? Yeah, let's just head to the station.
OK.
You look really good by the way.
Not really.
My hair's all fuzzy.
No! No, no, no.
I think it looks nice, Little Ted.
Whoa! Sorry, did I mistime? What? I mistimed it.
What was that? Were you just pulling a move there? Well, yeah.
Yes, frankly.
I thought you You touched my hair.
Weren't we isn't that why we're going back to your place? No, I thought you were dropping me off at the station and then you were going on.
After the After the what?! After the I thought you wanted to talk more about Brendan.
Well, that would be a bit awkward, wouldn't it, if we'd just had We were just at a funeral! Isn't it bad enough that you ruined a friendship between two best friends once?! Are we still going to the station? Yes! What are you What are you talking about? After that thing that we had at Blair's party.
Brendan was devastated.
It took me months to regain his trust.
I had no idea that you Now you wanna go and rub salt in the wound, today of all days? The guy's not even in the ground yet, you're stomping all over his grave! I'm not stomping, I just If I had any idea how he felt about you back at uni, how much he loved you We slept together twice.
.
.
I never would have gone to bed with you.
I never would have done that to a friend.
Wait a second! I'm not responsible for Brendan and his feelings.
I barely even knew the guy.
That's not how he saw it! Well, I can't help how he saw it! We slept together a couple of times, we had a few hellos around campus and that was it.
And to be honest, he was terrible in bed and he got all weird and stalky after we shagged, and at this very moment I wish we'd never met, alright? You are a real piece of work, you know that? What? There's a word for people like you where I'm from.
Oh, really? Yeah.
it's 'fucking slut'.
Stop the cab.
That's two words.
Didn't you go to Boys' Grammar? Not the kind of language one would expect from (DOOR OPENS) Look, I understand you're upset.
But you and your assumptions can just rack off! Brendan had He sent me one Christmas card, how was I supposed to kn Just drive to the freeway, please.
(TYRES SCREECH) Jesus! (WOMAN SCREAMS) It was awful.
Terrible.
He came out of nowhere! I can imagine.
Did you manage to see where the other driver came from? No, I didn't see anything till the guy landed - slam! - on my windscreen! I mean, look at that.
The guy bleeds to death on my car.
I'm gonna feel funny cleaning that off.
And, ma'am? I didn't see anything.
Sorry.
Sorry, bit upset.
Of course.
Just like hitting a monkey with a cricket bat.
The guy was being a bit of a prick but no-one deserves that.
I'm not sure that helps.
Two of them.
Two.
I know.
it's a bit full-on.
It was right in front of me.
You poor thing.
And you took Brendan's virginity? Isn't that outrageous? Why didn't he say anything? Maybe he was embarrassed.
Imagine being someone's first time and not knowing.
What would you have done differently if you'd known? I don't know.
I mean, made some little cakes or popped a party popper at the end.
Been a bit more forgiving about his mistakes.
Your overt sentimentality over Brendan Atherton is a real worry.
What? It is not.
If you were being this way about Lleyton, I'd understand.
But Brendan Atherton was hardly a blip on the radar.
I loved Lleyton.
Everyone loved Lleyton.
We were good together, weren't we? We worked.
He was the first big love.
I know.
I never told him that.
You told him you loved him.
Yes.
But I never told him he was my first.
I wanted to be I don't know, sophisticated.
And then he broke my heart.
He might not even live at his brother's anymore.
Bet he does.
Are you sure you wanna do this? This is what people do after they've had a shock - they call the people they loved and let them know how precious life is.
I thought that was AA.
Shh.
Oh, answering machine.
Hang up.
Voice on the machine - told you he still lived there.
Good, now we know.
Hang up! Hello, Lleyton, it's Roo here.
Haven't spoken to you in years and, um And I've been going through some things.
Nothing serious.
Well, kind of serious, I guess.
But not a sexually transmitted disease or anything.
Oh, dear, this is going well, isn't it? Er Shit.
Well, that was awesome.
I should call back.
I would highly advise against.
I can't just leave it like that.
I just said "shit" and hung up.
At least you didn't end on the sexually transmitted disease bit.
Marian Keyes writes books about people like you.
Hi.
Me again.
Er, look, that was a bit of a strange message so I just thought I'd call back and say Actually, I'm not entirely sure what I wanted to say.
Um Hang up.
Er, that was just EJ telling me to hang up.
Sorry.
I shouldn't have hung up like that.
You think? It's your go.
(PHONE BEEPS) Please stop.
Please stop.
Just stop what you're Hi.
Me again.
Look, this is getting weird, I know, but I just thought, um Anyway, listen, Lleyton, I did wanna tell you that even though I never made it clear when we were togeth.
.
Can you please stop calling here? Was he there? Did he pick up? It was his brother.
Lleyton's dead.
(THEME MUSIC)
And the entire process should take about 45 minutes.
OK, so I'll start.
I'll say it and you repeat it and that way you'll know what to do when it's your turn.
My name is Roo McVie.
Repeat it back.
(ALL DRONE) My name is Roo McVie.
Great.
But you'd put your own name in there, obviously.
And then a little bit about yourself.
My name's David Miller.
I'm 33.
I like Supertramp.
And, um, my favourite type of aircraft are Gulf War period fighter planes.
I'm 27.
I have nine kids, a dog and a bird.
Kids are named in alphabetical order, just for something different.
I'm not trying to have 26 or anything but just you know.
And if I had more time I'd like to start a company with my brother where at school sporting events we offer haircuts to parents.
Usually there's a coffee cart, we wanna do haircuts.
Right, great.
And that is when you tell us what you think about soy.
And remember, there are no right and wrong answers in market research, just your own.
So hands up here who gets a little aroused just by looking at this? That was a hypothetical, just a joke.
Sorry.
What? Er, positive.
Yep.
Negative.
Yep.
Did they give a reason? Er, they said it tastes like sock.
Just one sock? Just 'sock' singular? Er, yep.
Ooh.
What now? Someone likes you.
Why, what What did they say? Asks if you're single, as if it's not obvious.
It's the hair.
Who is it? OK.
Did you see who did that? They're not getting paid.
Brilliant responses, thank you.
Does anyone have any questions before you head off to the alcoholic cider session? Yes? Will you be taking the next session too? Sadly, no.
Um, you'll be in the capable hands of the lovely Darren.
(GROANING) Oh, come on, just He's a retard! No.
That's not a very PC word, OK? Yes? So are you single? Mate, that's crossing a line, Oh, yeah? Your face crosses a line, mate.
That doesn't make sense.
Yeah, it makes sense to me - your face crosses a line.
OK, let's just calm down.
I'm only trying to defend you from Mr Sex Predator over here.
Oh, sex predator? Well, you're not the boss of me, are you? So why don't you eat this? Mate, want some frigging soy chips? Want some more? OK, let's not let's not ruin the leftovers.
Just leave it.
More? WOMAN: They're fucking bagpipes! MAN: It was a present for you! A present?! I walked in and you were playing them! Because you said you loved Johnny Farnham! I said I loved Johnny Cash, like, six months ago.
Like you ever listen.
Take your fucking bagpipes and just get out! Good evening.
Oh.
Can you please tell him to take his fucking Crocs out of the bathroom while he's at it? Zach, would you mind I can hear her.
I can hear you! I'm not deaf! You might wanna add that the only people who wear those shoes are midwives and child molesters, and even they don't get the orange ones! They're fire-engine red! And anyway, I volunteered I asked for the alcoholic cider group but it was already taken.
remember it was you who wanted to go bushwalking in the first place! (DOOR SLAMS) On a scale of 1 to 10? (SIGHS) 11.
3.
Gone gone? Do you think it'll stick? Time will tell.
Try the chocolate - it tastes like Steiner kids smell.
VOICEMAIL: Message received at 5:25 p.
m.
WOMAN: Love, it's Mum.
Look, I tried to call you at the office and they said you'd left for the day.
I'm not sure if you've heard the news.
If you haven't, then I'm sorry to be the one to tell you.
Brendan Atherton's dead.
I haven't thought about Brendan Atherton in 10 years.
I wish he was better in bed so this moment wasn't so awkward for you.
He was an arseclown.
Who dies from an allergic reaction to kava? Do you know what? I never told you this.
One time at uni when he went past you in the corridor, he licked your hair.
Like, no-one else saw it.
He just changed his mind.
You walked past, he just, like, saw an opportunity and went, "Yep.
" It was I didn't tell you.
I thought it would freak you out.
That's sad.
Poor Brendan Atherton.
Poor me - I had to sleep with him.
Twice.
Two times too many.
Let's drink to Brendan Atherton.
it's what he would've wanted.
I think he would have wanted us to get a pizza as well.
(MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY) it's weird, isn't it, when someone dies that you don't know very well? You knew him.
Biblically.
What, but not spiritually? Brendan Atherton and his tiny, tiny testicles.
That's right, he had a weird little ball bag.
Mmm.
They were like precious little flesh marbles.
That's gonna be the name of my cover band.
Good choice.
"Thank you! We've been Flesh Marbles!" Do testicles keep growing after you die? No, that's hair and nails.
Oh.
Poor Brendan Atherton.
I wonder if his technique improved.
Poor Brendan Atherton.
Did you want this? When you're done.
Did you know, one of my ex-boyfriends died on Tuesday? Oh, he wasn't really a boyfriend.
We just slept together a couple of times at uni.
Wow, that's incredibly tragic.
Yeah, the poor guy.
He wasn't very good, if you know what I mean.
I think he might have learnt about women's bodies from that scene in 'Revenge of the Nerds' when they drilled the hole in the locker room.
I meant it's tragic that he died.
Very tragic.
It was awful.
He drank so much kava he OD'd.
If the opened him up he'd be like like a giant mud brick.
A giant, very drunk, bogan mud brick.
You could start building your bogan tree-change dream house with him.
I happen to find the subject of death relatively unamusing.
What? I didn't know him that well.
Still, someone did.
Mmm, his family.
I'm not I'm not saying it's funny, I'm just I'm just saying that when you think about it, that drinking that much kava, it's a relatively funny way to die.
Then you've got a relatively warped sense of humour if you find it funny.
I have an excellent sense of humour.
I just don't see how this is relevant.
It's entirely relevant.
Condensed milk is strongly linked to comedy.
What does it mean by 'slapstick'? (LAUGHS) Oh, come on, everyone knows what slapstick is.
It's the pie in the face, that kind of thing.
I don't find that very funny.
OK, there you go then.
You put down 'not funny' next to that option.
I like 'Two and a Half Men', though.
Do you? (LAUGHS) Yeah.
Fat kid's a classic.
Yes, he is.
OK, well, you can put that down then.
Hah, just the man I was coming to see.
I think you'll find that four out of five condensed milk drinkers find gallows humour funny.
So if we apply the survey results to the conversation I take it that's your ex-partner.
(SIGHS) Precious memories.
They've really danced around the whole 'human house brick' thing, haven't they? But you can see they're keen to take it further.
I'm really surprised at the way you're behaving with this.
What are you talking about? He was a person too.
A human being.
I know.
I think I might be using humour as a defence mechanism.
Don't touch me.
Oh, he had over 500 friends.
WOMAN: Don't do it.
You're only making things worse.
Yeah, but you haven't seen his little Myspace pictures.
They're really quite sweet.
And his 'Religious Views' thing on Facebook says "Bundy's my god.
" Presumably he means the drink and not the serial killer.
How did you get access to his Facebook profile? I confirmed his pending friend request.
Dude, that is so repulsively morbid.
Oh, my God.
What? He's on Adult Match Maker.
Eww! Oh, my Go He refers to himself as a 'cock jockey'.
Who says that? Are there pictures? Yes.
Oh, my God.
Quick, give me the URL.
OK, go to the Adult Match Maker home page and then click on 'Men', do 'Locality' - he's the third one down.
OK, hang on a sec.
You've gotta see this picture - he's got, like, a well I think it's a gerbera but I can't see its head.
Hang on! Hang on! Oh, my God.
Nice ear candle.
See? (COMPUTER HUMS LOUDLY) Shit.
What? (WOMAN SIGHS) My computer's spazzed out.
Shin (MUTTERING) WOMAN: Ladies and gents, just had a major meltdown over here.
I've seized too.
Please tell me someone saved the August spreadsheets to shareware.
(WHISPERS) I've gotta go.
Derek, can you get IT? Have they figured out what the problem is yet? The new IT guy's looking at it now, so shouldn't be long.
Bit of a coincidence, isn't it? That the computers should crash today of all days.
Why's that? You don't know what day it is? Samuel L.
Jackson.
Sssssss.
Looks like a bit of a mess.
Yeah, should be back online by this arvo, though.
It's, er, probably a bit difficult to suss out the origins of these types of thing, is it? Oh, I dunno.
it's not that hard when you sift through it.
It's kind of like a process of, er, elimination.
Hi.
Hi.
Really? And then I think he said Samuel L.
Jackson was involved with 9/11, or something along those lines.
I wasn't sure if he was being racist so I didn't say anything.
What do you mean? Oh, about whether, you know black people were responsible.
Oh, God, no.
That's just because he thinks Samuel L.
Jackson is an actual spy.
Ah.
But he is a bit racist.
And he's single, if you're looking.
Oh.
(LAUGHS) I'm not.
I mean, I'm, er, I'm not, er Oh, no.
I was kidding.
(LAUGHS) (COMPUTER BEEPS) OK.
Er, that that's not what it looks like.
Look, it's your business.
No, we're doing some research.
We're holding some focus groups on .
.
autoerotic asphyxiation and cross-dressing.
Look, if you and your boyfriend wanna swap saucy emails Oh, no, he's not my boyfriend.
No, no, no! We slept together a couple of times at uni.
But not like that.
He's just an ordinary guy.
He's not Annabel Chong.
I'm not saying he is.
Was.
Oh, moved through his experimental phase, has he? Yes, into the afterlife.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, he passed on very recently.
Oh.
Oh, er, um, er, sorry.
I hope this didn't come as a shock to you, then, seeing him, um, on the computer.
Yeah, I think that's a third person there.
Are you sure? Not really.
You can't go to the funeral.
Why not? You didn't even know the guy.
We had sex.
We shared fluids.
Oh, fluid-sharers, they get to sit up the front.
Very funny.
Can you even gatecrash a funeral anyway? It seems like it's spectacularly poor form.
I'm not gatecrashing.
The family put the details in the paper.
They want people to come.
If Brendan Atherton hadn't have died, you'd still be referring to him as "that dickhead from uni".
If I'd given him more of a chance, we might've fallen completely in love.
He might've been able to aim his party wee at your bosom instead of your eye.
Uncalled for.
I just think you're being overly sentimental for no reason.
What good is gonna come from you going? I might get some closure.
Oh, my God.
I might.
I might even have a little cry.
I might be the kind of person who has a little cry at funerals.
You've gone all strange.
It won't be weird if you come with me.
No way.
Please.
I can barely remember what Brendan Atherton looks like.
Say yes.
No! Fine! I'll go by myself.
Good.
I'll be alone at a funeral.
Would you stop it? All alone at a funeral.
You going to have a little cry now? Alone! Do you want me to call the wambulance? (SOFT MURMURING) Ruth? Roo.
Hello.
I'm Trish Atherton, Brendan's mother.
Hello.
My gosh, it's so nice to meet you after all these years.
Yes, you too.
I recognised you from the photographs, of course.
Yes, the photographs there.
Brendan just adored you.
You made such an impact.
Well, yes as did he on me.
You know, he used to refer to you as "the one that got away".
He would have given anything to have had another chance with you.
Doug.
Yeah? This is Ruth.
Oh! Hello.
Hello.
I'm I'm sorry for your loss.
And I'm sorry for yours.
Have you met Brendan's girlfriend, Imogen? Oh.
Hi.
Hello.
You know you two could be sisters.
(SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYS) Tough day, isn't it? Davey! Oh! God, I haven't seen you in ages.
Well, not since that Well, at the party where Blair always did throw pretty wild parties, didn't he? Yeah.
So, how have you been? What have you been up to? You working, you're living locally? You're still living with your brother round here? Sorry, do you mind if I just take a moment? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Excuse me.
Ruth.
Oh, hello, Mrs Atherton.
Are you right for a lift to the wake? Oh, I'll I'll just get a bus.
We can give you a lift.
I don't want to be any trouble.
No, we're right to drive you.
There's plenty of room in the car.
You know, I think Brendan would be quietly chuffed by the thought of you riding in the old family Merc.
Wouldn't he, Doug? I think he'd be thrilled.
There you go, then.
Er, sh shall we put the radio on for a bit? It's, er A little music might be nice.
(DAVE DOBBYN SINGS) # .
.
my horizon # She's a slice of heaven Ba, da, da, dum-dum Ba, da, da, dum-dum (HUMS SOFTLY) Ba, da, da, dum-dum Ba, da-da, da, dum Ba, da, da, dum-dum Ba, da, da, dum-dum Ba, da, da, dum-dum You've got balls showing up today.
Sorry? How could you treat Brendan like that? Like what? Like shit! I didn't treat Brendan like shit.
You took his virginity and got rid of him.
Really sensitive.
Look, I didn't kn.
I'm sorry you think that, but I didn't mean to hurt him, really.
Oh, excuse me, one tick.
(WHISPERS) Oh, thank goodness.
Just the kind of guy you could go to in your time of need, you know.
Really rock-solid.
Yeah.
We hadn't had a lot of contact in recent years.
We were Facebook friends, though.
Oh.
(EXHALES SHARPLY) Sorry, it's just Today's really hard, you know.
It must be hard for you too.
Yes, it it is.
I bet.
It's really nice to see you, Davey.
You too.
I mean, I know the circumstances aren't great.
No kidding.
Listen, do you wanna get a cab or something? We could talk more.
That'd be great.
OK.
Where to, mate? Just to Bridge Street Station, thanks, mate.
Where are you? Yeah, let's just head to the station.
OK.
You look really good by the way.
Not really.
My hair's all fuzzy.
No! No, no, no.
I think it looks nice, Little Ted.
Whoa! Sorry, did I mistime? What? I mistimed it.
What was that? Were you just pulling a move there? Well, yeah.
Yes, frankly.
I thought you You touched my hair.
Weren't we isn't that why we're going back to your place? No, I thought you were dropping me off at the station and then you were going on.
After the After the what?! After the I thought you wanted to talk more about Brendan.
Well, that would be a bit awkward, wouldn't it, if we'd just had We were just at a funeral! Isn't it bad enough that you ruined a friendship between two best friends once?! Are we still going to the station? Yes! What are you What are you talking about? After that thing that we had at Blair's party.
Brendan was devastated.
It took me months to regain his trust.
I had no idea that you Now you wanna go and rub salt in the wound, today of all days? The guy's not even in the ground yet, you're stomping all over his grave! I'm not stomping, I just If I had any idea how he felt about you back at uni, how much he loved you We slept together twice.
.
.
I never would have gone to bed with you.
I never would have done that to a friend.
Wait a second! I'm not responsible for Brendan and his feelings.
I barely even knew the guy.
That's not how he saw it! Well, I can't help how he saw it! We slept together a couple of times, we had a few hellos around campus and that was it.
And to be honest, he was terrible in bed and he got all weird and stalky after we shagged, and at this very moment I wish we'd never met, alright? You are a real piece of work, you know that? What? There's a word for people like you where I'm from.
Oh, really? Yeah.
it's 'fucking slut'.
Stop the cab.
That's two words.
Didn't you go to Boys' Grammar? Not the kind of language one would expect from (DOOR OPENS) Look, I understand you're upset.
But you and your assumptions can just rack off! Brendan had He sent me one Christmas card, how was I supposed to kn Just drive to the freeway, please.
(TYRES SCREECH) Jesus! (WOMAN SCREAMS) It was awful.
Terrible.
He came out of nowhere! I can imagine.
Did you manage to see where the other driver came from? No, I didn't see anything till the guy landed - slam! - on my windscreen! I mean, look at that.
The guy bleeds to death on my car.
I'm gonna feel funny cleaning that off.
And, ma'am? I didn't see anything.
Sorry.
Sorry, bit upset.
Of course.
Just like hitting a monkey with a cricket bat.
The guy was being a bit of a prick but no-one deserves that.
I'm not sure that helps.
Two of them.
Two.
I know.
it's a bit full-on.
It was right in front of me.
You poor thing.
And you took Brendan's virginity? Isn't that outrageous? Why didn't he say anything? Maybe he was embarrassed.
Imagine being someone's first time and not knowing.
What would you have done differently if you'd known? I don't know.
I mean, made some little cakes or popped a party popper at the end.
Been a bit more forgiving about his mistakes.
Your overt sentimentality over Brendan Atherton is a real worry.
What? It is not.
If you were being this way about Lleyton, I'd understand.
But Brendan Atherton was hardly a blip on the radar.
I loved Lleyton.
Everyone loved Lleyton.
We were good together, weren't we? We worked.
He was the first big love.
I know.
I never told him that.
You told him you loved him.
Yes.
But I never told him he was my first.
I wanted to be I don't know, sophisticated.
And then he broke my heart.
He might not even live at his brother's anymore.
Bet he does.
Are you sure you wanna do this? This is what people do after they've had a shock - they call the people they loved and let them know how precious life is.
I thought that was AA.
Shh.
Oh, answering machine.
Hang up.
Voice on the machine - told you he still lived there.
Good, now we know.
Hang up! Hello, Lleyton, it's Roo here.
Haven't spoken to you in years and, um And I've been going through some things.
Nothing serious.
Well, kind of serious, I guess.
But not a sexually transmitted disease or anything.
Oh, dear, this is going well, isn't it? Er Shit.
Well, that was awesome.
I should call back.
I would highly advise against.
I can't just leave it like that.
I just said "shit" and hung up.
At least you didn't end on the sexually transmitted disease bit.
Marian Keyes writes books about people like you.
Hi.
Me again.
Er, look, that was a bit of a strange message so I just thought I'd call back and say Actually, I'm not entirely sure what I wanted to say.
Um Hang up.
Er, that was just EJ telling me to hang up.
Sorry.
I shouldn't have hung up like that.
You think? It's your go.
(PHONE BEEPS) Please stop.
Please stop.
Just stop what you're Hi.
Me again.
Look, this is getting weird, I know, but I just thought, um Anyway, listen, Lleyton, I did wanna tell you that even though I never made it clear when we were togeth.
.
Can you please stop calling here? Was he there? Did he pick up? It was his brother.
Lleyton's dead.
(THEME MUSIC)