Laid (2024) s01e01 Episode Script

1
[DRAMATIC TONE]
Next.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- Hi. How can I help you?
- Hi, Caleb.
I'm so glad I found you.
I'm Ruby.
A few years ago, we met in a bar
next to a bowling alley.
I was eating linguine with clams
and wearing just a ton of makeup.
- I can't really hear you.
- OK.
We had some white Russians, played pool.
I, uh, cried.
We were still playing
with my Zoloft dosage.
I'm sorry. I'm I'm
having some trouble.
You're speaking quietly.
And also, there's this partition.
We had a few more drinks,
and then we had sex in the bathroom.
One of the smaller stalls.
The bigger, differently
abled one was out of order.
[CLEARS THROAT] Just do it.
Give it to him.
I am.
Right.
So I was worried this was
going to be a lot to explain,
so I actually wrote you a note.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
♪
Though what you read is gonna upset you.
- Mm-hmm.
- You're gonna have a lot of questions,
and some of the answers
will be in there,
but most will not, and
I am sorry for that.
I am still trying to figure out
what the fuck is happening myself.
Ma'am?
Everything all right here?
"Ma'am"? I'm 33.
She just slipped me this, Hal.
Wait, do you think this
is, like, a stickup?
Wait, no, that's what a
five-year-old calls it.
I don't understand. This has no demands.
- What is this?
- Yeah, what is this?
I just need to reactivate my PIN.
OK, you know what? Forget the note.
I'll just tell you.
This isn't a robbery,
but you are going to die.
Whoa.
[TENSE MUSIC]
- What are you talking about?
- I don't know where.
I don't know when.
Some have been gentle deaths.
Others have been gnarly.
I'm so sorry, Caleb,
but you're dying.
[SCOFFS]
What am I dying from?
[SOFTLY] Me.
I just can't hear you
I am so sorry. Me?
[COVER OF JAMES' "LAID"]
This bed is on fire
with passionate love ♪
The neighbors complain
about the noises above ♪
But she only comes
when she's on top ♪
♪
My therapist said
not to see you no more ♪
She said you're like a
disease without any cure ♪
She said I'm so obsessed
that I'm becoming a bore ♪
Oh, no ♪
Ah, you think you're so pretty ♪
♪
So it's our first date, right?
- Right.
- And as soon as he sits down,
he does that thing of, "Oh, sorry.
I've just been a little off lately."
Um, I don't know you.
We just met, dude. I
don't know your baseline.
- Right. Like, he's a stranger.
- He's a total stranger.
And I'm like, OK, it's a little early
to be doing this coy
dance, but whatever.
I'll play.
So I'm like,
"Oh, is something going on with you?"
[LAUGHS]
And he proceeds to dangle little hints.
Family issue, recent news, dark secret.
Believe me when I tell you,
this went on for all of salad.
Who has the time?
Imagine having the
confidence to play games
when you're 5'8".
[LAUGHS]
Love a short king.
Just a little awareness, you know?
So I'm just like, OK, I'll guess
what's destroying your family.
Someone's sick. Someone's divorcing.
- Alcoholism.
- Ooh, that's a good one.
Yeah, I did that one.
I guess everything imaginable.
Guess what word finally
comes out of this man's mouth.
Cannibal.
[LAUGHS] What?
He recently found out he
has a cannibal in his family.
And I know cannibalism
is sort of having a moment right now.
Like, I finally watched
"Dahmer," you know?
- It was fine.
- Oh, so good.
- Well, he was so good.
- Oh, yes, he's a star.
I'll never learn his name.
But it's still an intense word
to hear at a dinner table.
And this dude is making me guess
mundane family secrets
while the whole time,
he is sitting on the word
BOTH: Cannibal.
- Dick.
- Sir, you are a dick.
[LAUGHS]
Anyway, dating apps are the worst.
The absolute torture we go through
just to get to know a person.
Ugh, that's why I
AirDropped you my number
in line at Baja Fresh.
I am done relying on the
internet to find love.
[LAUGHS]
Not that that's what
- I mean, I like you.
- This is only our third date.
- Don't worry. I get it.
- [LAUGHS]
I just wish people could be
more honest with each other.
Like, I'm looking to date someone
for the next couple years.
Get married, have kids.
I dislike most things,
but I do like food and television.
And I promise if I ever find out
I have a family member who eats people,
I'll tell you without dancing around it.
Same.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
Want to get out of here?
Like I said to that
guy when he showed me
a picture of his uncle
cannibal at Thanksgiving dinner,
I have never wanted to leave
harder.
[SIGHS] Wow.
Yeah. Wow.
That was
- Awful?
- Fucking terrible!
- Oh!
- [LAUGHS]
So glad you felt that way.
Thrilled you hated it too.
You know what the worst part was?
How I kept trying to
make eye contact with you,
and you were like, "Nope.
Don't know you."
It's like seeing a
coworker at a Sweetgreen.
Yeah, no, that was bad.
But I was gonna say
the irregular rhythm.
- Mm.
- The
[GRUNTING ARRHYTHMICALLY]
It's like waiting at a printer.
- So bad.
- So bad.
Also, when I put on music,
what was up with all those
commercials for "Elsbeth"?
Oh, you need to get Spotify without ads.
It's only, like, 10 bucks more.
I switched over and I'm happy.
- I'm happy I made the choice.
- [LAUGHS]
Anyway, we shan't be doing that again.
We sha-not.
[SIGHS] Where's my
Wait, are you serious?
You don't want to try again?
We'd probably get better with practice.
It's just there isn't that
thing, you know?
It's like, when you know, you know.
Well, it's also when
you don't know, you know.
You know?
No!
We were so excited for Third Date Jason!
Now Bad Sex Spotify
Ads Jason, I'm afraid.
Yes, it was the absolute worst sex,
like a brother and a sister fucking.
Jesus, I just woke up.
But seriously, that
thing just wasn't there.
And I don't have time to
waste on another wrong person.
Here I am after 20 years
of dating, 33 years old,
on the phone with a
Lyft driver at 2:00 AM,
trying to figure out if I'm standing
on the northeast corner.
Might be time to look inward.
Um, what?
You know I've always admired you, Ruby.
Ever since AJ and I started dating,
I've seen you putting in the work,
night after night out there
dating, dancing,
drinking, swiping, wiping.
Is it possible that
you still being alone
is the fault of thousands of guys
and a fair share of girls
and, uh, you're not at all to blame?
I mean, possible, yeah.
Likely, no.
Sorry.
Aren't you at your "job" right now?
I said it like that because
I don't think it's a job.
Livestreaming's the best job.
Rubes, ignore him.
This is a man who's
planning to wear shorts
and a bolo tie to a wedding.
Uh, the shorts are sateen.
OK, you know what?
You didn't even know that was
a fabric until two days ago.
Fine. Sure.
I have things I can work on.
I can hear that.
I can receive that.
It's not like I'm not ever
going to find someone, right?
- Of course you will.
- I really don't think so.
Zackary Bridgerton!
Oh, that can't be his full name.
Don't take this the wrong way, Rubes,
but your choosiness suggests
a much prettier woman.
- What the fuck?
- OK
- Seriously?
- OK, I'm sorry.
Look, he is absolutely wrong.
You are stunning, and you are sweet,
and you just haven't
found the right person yet.
Thank you. I appreciate that.
And I hope you know, I
truly mean it when I say
you also have not met
the right person yet.
I also have ears that work.
Oh, shit. Reload! Reload! Reload!
Yep. Yep. For sure.
I will try to come in
person next week, Debra.
Yeah, I've just been
swamped with work, you know?
I've got this party to
plan and that party to plan.
It's like, ugh, kill me! [CHUCKLES]
But not really.
I know you've asked me
to stop making that joke.
I just want to make sure
that you're not having
our sessions remotely
to avoid, like, really doing the work.
I promise I'm not.
Until you actually deal
with the baggage from your past,
you'll keep running
into the same obstacles
- in your romantic pursuits.
- Totally.
I think the connection you've drawn
between past and present is, like, wow.
People overuse this word,
but you are an actual genius.
You and Martin Short. That's it.
Thank you. [LAUGHS]
You deserve it.
Have a great rest of your day.
I'll see you next week, OK?
Go do something fun.
- Bye, Ruby.
- Bye.
Bad bitches who be ragin' ♪
Rage ♪
Ragin', ragin' ♪
[PHONE KEYBOARD CLACKING]
Hi, are you Ruby?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Hi.
Yes. [LAUGHS]
Ruby.
How'd you know?
We have an appointment.
You told me to meet you here today.
Yes. Hi.
You must be Isaac.
Throwing your parents' 40th
anniversary party, right?
Yes, that's right. Hi.
Hi.
So nice to meet you in person.
Don't you just love that we're back
to meeting people in person?
So happy I never have to say
"Nice to e-meet you" again.
I can't stand an e-meet.
Wow. Neither can I.
[GIGGLES]
[BRIGHT TONE]
I'm so excited to help you
plan this very special day.
Before I show you around the space,
why don't you tell me a bit
about your parents' story
so I get a better sense
of what type of party
you want to throw?
And I'll take some notes.
All right. Well, let's see.
Um, they met at college.
It was at Cornell.
- Tufts.
- Hmm?
[LAUGHS AWKWARDLY] Go on.
OK. [LAUGHS]
Um, they're in love
still, even 40 years later.
They got married pretty
young in their mid-20s.
My dad worked for Boeing.
My mom ran an art gallery.
They had three kids, me,
my brother, and my sister.
The other day, I asked
my mom how it felt
being with someone for
basically her whole adult life.
She said it felt long. [LAUGHS]
And great sometimes, of course,
but it's not gonna always
be great for 40 years.
She said sometimes
it was just "good OK."
So I don't know, maybe
that's the real goal,
being good OK.
Are are you all right?
Yeah.
I'm fine. [LAUGHS]
It's just, that's my story.
That's the story I want.
You know, even while you were talking,
I was doing the math in my head like,
if I got married tomorrow, I would be 73
on my 40th anniversary,
which is still doable,
but I'm not gonna get
married tomorrow, right?
So really, 74 would be the earliest
I could have a 40th anniversary.
And I don't know, I just don't want
to go to a party when I'm 74.
Get all dressed up.
So soon, it's gonna be too
late to get to have been married
for 40 years unless I fucking move!
Sorry.
I do not know why I told you all that.
No, no, I I get it.
That's that's the story I want too.
[PHONE DINGS]
Uh, just one second.
[SOMBER MUSIC]
♪
[LAUGHS]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- Brandon Rafferty.
- Brandon Rafferty.
Remember we thought he
looked like tall Bilbo Baggins
that one time?
Yes! [LAUGHS]
- We were quite high.
- Yeah.
I dated him for, like, a second.
- Uh-huh.
- I think we had sex twice.
Ooh, remember, he was the one
who, every time he thrusted,
- I heard a little fart sound?
- Uh-huh.
I thought it was the
bed, but it was him.
Like, each and every thrust, a fart.
- [LAUGHS]
- But yeah.
- Terrible he's dead.
- Yeah.
Oh!
His last Instagram is a photo of a dog.
Aww!
- We should rewatch "Clifford."
- Yes.
Yeah.
Brandon Rafferty.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
Looks like the funeral is Saturday.
- Thank you.
- How'd he die?
Can't find any info.
You know how people are always
stingy with those details.
"Can't believe this happened."
Um, what happened?
"We lost a bright light."
T'whom what did we lose him?
I'm sure it was some
rare, weird, sad disease.
But until I hear, I'm fully
gonna assume he was shot.
I mean, yeah, I hadn't seen
Brandon in almost 15 years,
and we only slept
together three times
- I thought two times.
- I remembered a time.
- Oh.
- But still, it's sad.
My ex-boyfriend died.
How am I? [CHUCKLES]
Well, my ex-boyfriend died.
You know what?
I'm gonna go.
I am gonna go to Brandon's funeral.
Are you sure that's a good idea?
- You barely knew the guy.
- Yeah, exactly.
And why?
Because I didn't give him a chance.
He was a really good person.
You used to call him Farty Scorsese.
OK, well, you are making my case for me.
Maybe I've been too tough
on the people I've been with.
Maybe instead of that thing,
I should have been
looking for more good OK.
That sounds like something
you heard when I wasn't with you.
New client who's throwing his
parents' anniversary party.
I know my girl.
You think you were too harsh on Brandon,
so you're going to his
funeral to somehow make amends.
Yes.
I mean, what I've been doing
obviously hasn't been working.
This could be a new start,
the beginning of me making a change.
A funeral is your new start.
I am burying the old, judgmental me.
As well as a literal man.
And also a man I used to know, yes.
OK.
OK, here we go.
Love your tights, honestly.
Do you think they're too sexy, though?
I think they're perfectly sexy.
- Just the right amount? OK.
- Not too much. Just enough.
Do you think gray is funeral enough?
Yeah, I think it's got somber vibes.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Somber.
- It's like black-adjacent.
Next to black. Yeah.
Whoa.
Ugh.
Brandon.
[SOFT ORGAN MUSIC]
[WHISPERING] I've gotta
find out how he died.
Someone here knows.
That guy.
He's sitting on the whole story.
♪
Wait.
I am in all these pictures.
I'm basically in all of
these dead man's pictures.
You sure are.
Look, those are all of him and me.
But that one?
That one is just me.
I had no idea I was so important to him.
I don't even remember
when that photo was taken.
Oh, wait, no. Yes, I do.
I was excited because
I'd just met Horatio Sanz
in line at Walgreens.
- I remember when that happened.
- [LAUGHS] Yeah. [GASPS]
So sorry for your loss.
Thank you.
Do you know if gun
violence played a role
in this tragedy today?
- Excuse me?
- Ruby.
We're so glad you could make it.
Brandon would be so
comforted knowing you're here.
- [WHISPERING] Parents.
- Well, of course.
I'm not missing this thing.
Actually, I had something else today.
Something important.
But I was like, no.
I'm doing this.
Doesn't even matter what it was.
OK, I was going to
speak to some senators
about a bill I'm passionate about,
but I decided not to go.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Mr. and Mrs. Rafferty, hi.
I'm so sorry. I also went
to college with Brandon.
Oh. OK.
My name's AJ.
We had three classes together,
and we were also in a study group.
AJ, huh?
I think he knew a few
of those back in school.
Oh, no. Just just me.
There weren't other AJs.
- Oh.
- Me.
[WHISPERING] They're upset. It's OK.
Yeah.
Danielle, Ruby did come after all.
Whoa.
Ruby, this is Danielle,
Brandon's girlfriend.
Hi, Danielle.
We have the same hair.
I am so sorry for your loss.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Danielle, let's go sit.
Ruby, come when you're ready.
We saved you a seat in the front.
Oh, wow.
Thank you. I will.
[LAUGHS AWKWARDLY] So sweet of them.
- They didn't have to do that.
- Yeah, totally.
I'll just fuck off in the
back, but yes, that was sweet.
[MOURNFUL MUSIC]
♪
[DOG PANTING]
♪
Hey, Brandon.
It's me, Ruby.
I'm sorry that whatever happened to you
happened,
and I'm sorry
I wasn't kinder to you.
My therapist has
actually been telling me
I should look at my past more, so yeah,
this all sort of
happened at a good time.
Um
I met Danielle.
She seems cool
ish.
I'm not seeing anyone right now.
I mean, look, it's not
that I don't want to be.
It's just
yeah, I don't know.
Just kind of in a weird place.
It has been tough out there dating.
And I'm wondering, am I looking
for something that even exists,
or is it just an idea?
Like, you know, am I too
quick to give up, or
[WHISPERING] Ruby.
Hey.
Jeffrey?
Oh, my God!
Hi!
Oh, my God. It has been forever.
What are you doing here?
Um
Oh. Right.
Right, right, right.
Right, you guys were
you guys were close.
Right.
So what have you been up to?
Oh, my God.
Do you know what memory
just blast into my brain?
A bunch of us were in my dorm room.
We had just done shrooms.
We ate them with, like, Skittles.
And then you were just
like, "Braid my hair."
And I was like, "I'll
fucking braid your hair."
- [LAUGHS]
- Ruby, um, if it's OK,
I just kind of want to
have a moment with Brandon.
- Totally. Totally.
- Thanks.
- Of course.
- Yeah.
Just have a moment.
Yeah. Take your time.
Sorry.
Amen.
[CHUCKLES]
I finally made it to Nepal.
It was nice.
[WHISPERING] Ruby! Rubes!
Do you remember Carrie Friedman?
She lived in Barrows with us.
- We were, like, friends.
- Yeah.
I just ran into her in the bathroom,
and she goes like this.
Nothing.
No idea who I was.
So I go up to her and I say, "Hi."
And she's all confused and goes,
"Did you look different in college?"
Can you even?
I was like, no.
I look exactly the same.
Excuse me.
Ruby, we're headed to the wake,
and we'd love for you to drive with us.
Oh.
- Wow.
- Yes, you must.
If only Brandon could
see you driving with us
in the family car to his wake,
he'd get that big dopey grin of his.
I don't know. I'm not sure. I
No, you go ahead.
I'll get a ride with Carrie Friedman.
Shotgun. [CHUCKLES]
Unless that's the
worst word to use today.
[DOG PANTING]
What's his name?
Her name is Ruby.
Her name tag says Hot Sauce.
She was Brandon's dog.
- She's cute.
- No, she thinks she is, but she isn't.
Maybe some tunes?
Oh, uh, sure.
[PAUL SIMON'S "GRACELAND"]
♪
The Mississippi Delta was shining ♪
Like a National guitar ♪
♪
[SOFTLY] I am following the river ♪
Down the highway ♪
Through the cradle of the Civil War ♪
♪
I'm going to Graceland, Graceland ♪
Memphis, Tennessee ♪
I'm going to Graceland ♪
♪
[BUILDING] Poor boys ♪
And pilgrims with families ♪
And we are going to Graceland ♪
♪
My traveling companion
is nine years old ♪
He's the child of my first marriage ♪
But I've reason to believe ♪
We both will be
received in Graceland ♪
♪
She comes back to
tell me she's gone ♪
[FULL VOICE] As if
I didn't know that ♪
As if I didn't know my own bed ♪
As if I never noticed ♪
The way she brushed her
hair from her forehead ♪
[DOG PANTING]
And she said, losing love ♪
Is like a window in your heart ♪
Everybody sees you're blown apart ♪
Everybody sees the wind blows ♪
I'm going to Grace ♪
[MUTTERING] Could I actually make a
egg sandwich out of this?
You have a lot of nerve.
Danielle.
Who do you think you
are, showing up here
after how horribly you treated Brandon?
What are you talking about?
You took his virginity,
and then you dumped him.
He was devastated. He
never got over that.
Brandon was a virgin?
I had no idea.
Please.
I don't really remember.
At all?
No recollection?
OK, I went home to Michigan with you
for winter break freshman year.
I ate cheese tarts with your
parents and, like, a sad aunt.
Did you look different back then?
No, Hannah, I looked like this.
Picture this trying to
watch "Despicable Me"
while your parents get fully divorced.
I'm sorry. I've got to go.
- Hey, Hannah.
- Hey, Ruby.
[WHISPERING] Brandon was a virgin.
- I was his first.
- Oh, my God.
That explains why you
were so important to him.
I wasn't just important.
I was the most important,
and I made fun of him.
Ugh! I'm awful!
Hey, come on!
You didn't know.
And it's not like he ever knew.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Hey.
How you holding up?
It's been tough.
The toughest.
Hey, Jeffrey. It's me, AJ.
We went to college
together, and I looked
exactly like this when we did.
I remember.
Hey, AJ.
Hey hi.
Did you have to end
up leaving school early
because of the whole
Pell Grant scandal thing?
[LAUGHS]
Brandon would have hated this,
all the attention.
Totally.
You remember how red he used to
get when he would get embarrassed?
Oh, he'd get so red!
He looked like a frustrated baby.
[BOTH LAUGH]
- Like, baby, don't cry.
- [LAUGHS]
Baby, don't cry.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think I've had as much
as I can take for today.
I'm gonna get out of here.
I think I am too.
You want to share an Uber?
Yeah, that sounds great.
I'll just
Do you want to pack this up?
I think I can just leave it.
Actually, maybe if
there's a few napkins.
No, no, no, no, no. I
remember it perfectly.
It was your idea to steal
a bunch of cafeteria trays
and use them to go sledding.
Yep, this tracks. Go on.
So Brandon and I decide
we're gonna share a tray.
You know, like two idiots.
I sit on his lap.
We go down the hill.
He loses his grip.
He had the worst grip!
We crash into a tree.
My nose slams into the
side of Brandon's head.
I still have the dent. Feel this.
It's like a tiny little half pipe.
Whoo!
[BOTH LAUGH]
Do you remember what
happened later that night?
What?
You and me?
Yeah, I remember.
There is very little I
remember about college,
but I do remember that.
Hmm.
Hmm.
- What?
- Oh, God, what
- What are you doing?
- Sorry.
- I thought we were having
- Unbelievable.
- You haven't changed at all.
- What are you talking about?
You slept with me, and
it broke Brandon's heart.
Brandon and I were already broken up
when you and I hooked up.
Yeah, but he was still devastated,
and it really fucked
up our friendship, dude,
even though I told him
that I've never regretted anything more.
- OK. All right.
- And it was you
who seduced me, by the way.
OK!
I guess I was the one
who brought the shard
left of a baby blanket to college
and made me feel how soft it was
to use as foreplay.
Do not talk about my baby blanket.
You know what? I'm not doing this.
You already ruined Brandon's life.
I'm not gonna let you
ruin today for him too.
Pull over.
Wait.
Jeffrey, you're seriously
getting out of
Yeah, I'm seriously
getting out of the car.
Unreal. Fine. Get out. Go!
Brandon didn't deserve you,
and that is not a compliment.
[SCOFFS]
Oh, nice. Real mature, asshole!
[BRAKES SQUEALING]
[SCREAMS]
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
[BREATHING SHAKILY]
♪
I I don't
Shh, shh, shh.
It's OK.
Maybe don't talk for a while?
This is a lot.
- [THUNK]
- Ugh! No.
It's the worst time for
the Clog Dropper to strike.
Maybe find a better
moment for your daily drop
of a single clog!
I just can't believe
I watched someone die.
He only got out of the car
because we got in an argument.
I can't imagine.
It's gonna take time to
process it all, you know?
Yeah.
I do have questions, but they can wait.
Like when you say the body explode
it can wait. It can wait.
It's just so tragic.
Also, and I recognize
this as a sharp pivot
to my own situation
No, I love a sharp piv.
But two dead exes.
Two of them.
That is fucked.
[DARK MUSIC]
Two of my ex-boyfriends died.
How am I?
Well, two of my exes are dead, so
[CHUCKLES]
Look, it is a coincidence.
That's all. It is a
horrible coincidence.
- Yeah.
- I'm also really unsure
if this is the right time or not,
- but what's with the dog?
- [DOG PANTING]
Oh.
Ruby Hot Sauce?
I had to go back for her
since Danielle is the worst.
Brandon's parents loved the idea.
[CHUCKLES]
Said it's what he
probably would have wanted.
And you're gonna take care of her?
We're gonna take care of each other.
And yeah, I'm hoping
you'll help out a lot.
Yeah. OK. You know what?
We're doing the good stuff tonight,
the 1983 port.
I know we were saving
it for when one of us
gets engaged or finally
gets invited on a yacht,
but you saw a man die today,
so it's going in our bodies.
- [GLASSES CLINK]
- [BOTH SIP]
Know what it feels
like to feel alive ♪
This one.
This is the song that plays
when I drive over a bridge
in a convertible.
Mm, that's a good one.
Right there.
This is when I let my scarf go.
[BEEPS, "SUPER GRAPHIC
ULTRA MODERN GIRL" PLAYING]
This is the song that plays when I quit.
I clear all the drinks off
the bar with my forearm,
and then this kicks in.
It's this
- And you can't come ♪
- And then it's this.
Uh-uh, I'm through ♪
[BOTH LAUGH]
- [SIGHS]
- Ugh.
I can't believe both
Brandon and Jeffrey are gone.
Yeah, you've had a couple of days.
I hadn't thought of either
of those guys in so long.
And if Brandon hadn't
died, I wouldn't have known
how much I meant to either of them
[BLONDIE'S "RAPTURE"] Ooh!
[SNAPS FINGERS]
This one is a song that plays
when I discover new information.
- Mm-hmm.
- Something big has just
been dropped on me.
My husband has been cheating.
My twin daughters have a special power
I didn't know about.
♪
I love that.
Ugh! I was Brandon's first.
I held a special place in his heart
until the day he died,
and I just tossed him aside like trash.
[GROANS] I have been too tough
on the people I've been with.
Can you imagine still being a virgin?
The worst!
Remember David?
- [BLOWS RASPBERRY]
- You guys were so cute.
- He was real sweet.
- Aww, yeah.
I can't even remember why I dumped him.
The first guy I ever slept with.
God, I haven't talked to him in forever.
You know, I think I still have
an old landline number for him.
Yeah, is this a good idea?
[CLEARS THROAT]
[AS CHER] David? It's me, Cher!
Just thought I'd turn back
time and see how you're doing.
Give me a call.
The fuck are you doing?
Oh, he'll know it's me.
It's this bit we used to do.
He loved this.
[AS SEAN CONNERY] David,
it's me, Sean Connery.
I think you should stop.
- Call me back, you little leprechaun!
- OK, no, no, no.
Now I'm literally just begging you.
[LINE TRILLS]
[AS COOKIE MONSTER] David, it's me,
the Cookie Monster!
Do you like cookies?
I like cookies!
Call me!
- Hello?
- Oh, David!
[LAUGHING] Hi!
Oh.
OK.
All right, I'm
OK, bye.
He didn't remember the bit.
That wasn't David.
It was his brother.
♪
David's dead.
What?
If two is a coincidence, what's three?
A pattern.
Ooh, string cheese.
♪
Is that a dog?
♪
Toe to toe ♪
Dancing very close ♪
Barely breathing ♪
Almost comatose ♪
Wall to wall ♪
People hypnotized ♪
And they're stepping lightly ♪
Hang each night in ♪
Rapture ♪
♪
Back to back ♪
I think that's a good idea.