Lazor Wulf (2019) s01e01 Episode Script
Dying to Eat
1 La, la, la La, la la la, la-la la la Da da da da, da da da da da da Heyyyyyyyyyy Lazor Wulf: You got this, man.
Just one more.
Done! Next! [Chuckles.]
Canon Wulf, that's 103 mozzarella sticks in an hour.
You never fail to impress me.
It was actually seven minutes, my dude.
I've never seen anything like it.
Hey, I need 103 more sticks.
I'm going to the bathroom, but don't y'all dare think about me going to the bathroom! [Door opens.]
Mozzarella sticks with the comrades.
That's what life is all about.
[Ding!.]
It's me, Stupid Ho-o-rse Oh.
Hey, Stupid Horse.
I thought I'd come to Esther's to grab some food.
You know I love to get some salad on the Cobb with the homies! Well, the homies thought you were busy.
Well, you'd know my schedge - if you accept my calendar invite - Put that thing away.
You know I don't mix food with my technology.
It's common knowledge.
Aw! Snap! We got the mozzarella sticks on deck! They don't always agree with the ol' hamsteroids, but Now, why'd you have to go and do that, my dude? Hey, what are you doing? Those are Canon Wulf's sticks.
So? There are like 102 of em.
[Toilet flushes.]
He's not gonna notice.
Yo, what the Stupid Horse.
Hell you talkin' 'bout? Stupid Horse ain't even here! Uh, hello! [Chuckles.]
[Growling.]
I'm I'm sitting right next to you.
You live up to your name more and more every day.
[Chuckles.]
Look, it's just one Ah, come on! It's your boy! Ooh-hoo! [Cat screeches.]
Stop it, Canon Wulf! Daaaah! Look at what you did, Stupid Horse.
Me?! You just tried to kill me! Ask me if I'm sorry! Great.
Now I can starve to death.
[Chuckles.]
Y-You're being a bit dramatic.
There are plenty of other places to eat.
Let's go to that place, umM.
C.
Donald's.
Now, y'all know that I'm allergic to everything that's not from Esther's.
Remember that one time I tried to eat somewhere else? Don't like it.
Being picky doesn't make you allergic to other food.
[Coughs.]
Take it up with my doctor.
O-M-G-O-D! You are dying.
Face it, Stupid Horse Esther's is gone.
Time to go home now and die.
Aw, man! I don't know how this is my fault, but I gotta fix it somehow.
Are you there, God? It's me, Stupid Hor [Clank.]
Ohhh! LaserDiscs.
[Buzzing.]
Hey, Wallace.
Call the FoodGoGo.
Where the [Bshh.]
are you?! Hey, God.
I, umI got your food.
And I should be there in like, the, uhestimated 25 to 85 minutes? [Bshh.]
! Oh, and yeah it's burnt up pretty bad.
And it's cold.
Wallace, what else do you want? And don't say "Mediterranean.
" I'm tired of eating falafels! Are you ready? Let's go.
[Rapping.]
Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry Thick-ass for you, thick-ass for me My thick-ass shakes come in one size It's large, no compromise My name is Esther, and that's [Slurping.]
One thick-ass shake Ahh.
Lazor Wulf: Go on.
Smile while you making that thick-ass shake.
[Smooches.]
Rewind it, then burn it.
No it's one of Esther's training videos, all on LaserDisc! There's a whole box of 'em! "Wok Tok," "Makin' Jamaican Bacon.
" And look! There's one on mozzarella sticks! Oh, shit! For real?! I mean man, [Bshh.]
mozzarellas.
What are you getting at? I'm rebuilding Esther's right here.
Nope.
I won't let you rebuild Esther's in my house.
This is my house, though.
Y'all just came over one day and never left.
It don't matter if it's my house, Lazor Wulf's house, or Canon's.
The point is, there will never be another Esther's.
Besides, we got Lazor Wulf's death to plan.
[Squeaking.]
What is this [Bshh.]
? I'm hosting my own Future Death Party, and it's gonna be the most good.
[Air horn blares.]
Don't be late.
I can already feel death's cold grip.
Hang in there, homey.
[Deep voice.]
I will do everything in the present to stop you from dying in the future.
[Paddles whining.]
In a world where Stupid Horse saves Lazor Wulf [Zap.]
Whew! [Chuckles.]
Man, this is gonna be a really good movie.
[Ding.]
Stupid Horse: Lazor Wulf! I did it! Mm, did you really? I've seen way better replicas of Esther's.
Now, quit this charade and let's celebrate [Dance music plays.]
my future death.
This is for the dead well, dying homey.
Welcome to Lazor Wulf's Future Death Party.
Finally time to die partying.
Just wait until you try the food.
You're gonna love my Spanish tapatas.
That's Spanish for "tapata.
" Customers?! I will not feed all these people! They ain't here for you.
They here for the Future Death Party.
Come on in! Oh, damn! Iwish I could be there.
Yo, my man, is this the line for the new Esther's? Well, is it? Answer me, mother[Bshh.]
! They got cake with bones in it? Bruh, they got the Dancin' Ladies? Man, I wish somebody would've thrown a Future Death Party for me.
Shut up, Wallace.
Why is it the only time people call my name is when they're in trouble? Change my name to Taddrick or Maurice.
You might could actually pull off Taddrick.
[Ringing.]
You better not tell me that Thai Food Tanic was destroyed, too! Actually, Esther's reopened.
And I'm waiting for your first order right now.
Well, hurry up! I'm hungry, God damn it! Wallace, if my food ain't here in the next 20 minutes, I'm-a make you write an angry letter.
And I'm switching to Dork Dash! Hey, yo, Dumb Horse! We ain't got our thick-ass shakes yet.
Okay, okay, two thick-asses comin' right up And ooh! You said "ass"! I'm tellin' your daddy.
Where Where is your daddy? Go get my damn shake.
[Dance music continues.]
Yo-ho-ho-ho! Lazor Wulf! Can't you see I'm talking to Battle Ham, Stupid? I find comfort in your words, my dear friend.
Be well.
Look, homey! I just made you [Splat!.]
You didn't even try it.
The facts are that you can't replicate Esther's.
Now be a real friend and stop trying to save my life.
It's time to celebrate my future death.
Go find a pair of goggles.
The light show's about to start.
[Gasps.]
Oh, butI can't.
I forgot I gotta save you and [Bshh.]
.
Accept my fate.
[Dance music continues.]
A-hem! Doofus Horse thick-ass shakes? - Man: We need some thick-ass shakes, too! - Man #2: I need some thick-ass shakes.
Man #3: Uh, service! Excuse me? Garçon?! Coming! I promise, Lazor Wulf I will not [Deep voice.]
let you die.
[Normal voice.]
Yeah.
I'm on the way.
All right, Yeti, let's start this light show.
I'm about to turn this party up a notch.
[Squeaking.]
Stupid Horse.
What? Whosaid that? - Over here.
- Esther?! [Rapping.]
Give it a rest, put down the thick-ass shake You cannot do what you think you can [Chuckles.]
That's where you're wrong.
Look I made shrimp scampi.
You may be proud of your skramp scampi But it'll never be Like my great-grandpappy's skramp scampi You know what, Esther? [Bshh.]
you, your old-ass great-grampy, and his stupid-ass skrimp scampi.
[Indistinct complaining.]
Name? Montell Jordan.
But you call me Stupid Horse.
Neither are on the list.
You have got to try this.
[High-pitched.]
It makes you talk weird.
[Bubbling.]
[Deep voice.]
This is most bizarre.
What strain is this? Look at him! He's actually starving to death! You don't think I know that?! [Voice breaking.]
This how I fake-cry for real.
[Normal voice.]
Don't you ruin this for me.
Are you for real?! Lazor Wulf ain't the only customer, you know.
[High-pitched whining.]
If I do not get my thick-ass shake Not only is my friend dying and I'm missing his party, but you buggin' me about thick-ass shakes?! I don't care about you! Go away! [High-pitched whining.]
You going to wish you cared.
[Dance music continues.]
God's gonna kill me.
Yep! [Dance music continues.]
This party makes me, like, not be sad that you're dying.
Yo, at first, I was, like, real perturbed about your future death and shit, but this party is tight, so now I'm not.
"Perturbed" meaning "anxious and/or upset.
" ['80s-style synth music plays.]
A-perturbed.
Thanks, bro.
This is pretty perfect, now that you mention it.
[Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop!.]
I'm thinking about dying like this every weekend.
All right, here we go.
Uh, one cup bananas and, uh, two cups allspice [Rapping.]
This again? I thought I told you Your pad Thai tastes like my Esther, stop.
You may be right, but in the end You cannot save yo' best friend Shut up! Shut up!! Shut up!!! Shut uuuuuuup! [Pan clanks.]
You did your best, and that's good enough for me.
Stupid Horse: Whoo, hoo, hoo! Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo! Damn it, man.
What now? [Weakly.]
I got all your favorite foods.
This again? I'm two seconds away from writing you into my will just to take you out.
The Youth: Hey! I'm giving this place a terrible review! You are a disgrace to Esther's name and her shakes with the thick ass! Also, let's kill Stupid Horse.
Eh, at least she got my name right.
[Indistinct shouting.]
Look, just try one bite.
I promise if it's not just like Esther's, I'll come and join the Future Death Party and help you die in peace.
Fine.
Only because I need to future-die with a clear conscience.
I will try it, but I won't like it.
I like it.
I'm back in the life game.
Party's over.
Now get the [Bshh.]
out my house.
Man, we came to party till you died.
This some bullshit.
You telling me I spent $1,700 on a Gabonni outfit for nothing? That's exactly what you did.
[High-pitched whining.]
Now shut up and get out of my way.
God: Speak, FoodGoGo! Got your food.
I'll be there in, um So, how do I get to you? [Thunder crashes.]
[Cackles.]
Take that, FoodGoGo! But I'm not FoodGoGo.
You made your choice! He forgot the mozzarella sticks! Yeah, I did.
No mozzarella sticks?! FoodGoGo! [Thunder crashes.]
Here's to my life.
[Slurps.]
[Growls.]
Boooooooooooyyyyyyy! So, no one cares that Canon Wulf keeps trying to kill me? Let's just go to Another Esther's.
Wait.
Another Esther's? Yeah, uhEsther's other restaurant.
You ain't heard of Another Esther's? [Deep voice.]
No, I haven't.
Wait, why didn't we just go to that one? 'Cause OG Esther's got them heated toilet seats, son.
Oh, yeah.
[Chuckles.]
That's right.
It keeps ya ass hot.
[Sizzling.]
Just one more.
Done! Next! [Chuckles.]
Canon Wulf, that's 103 mozzarella sticks in an hour.
You never fail to impress me.
It was actually seven minutes, my dude.
I've never seen anything like it.
Hey, I need 103 more sticks.
I'm going to the bathroom, but don't y'all dare think about me going to the bathroom! [Door opens.]
Mozzarella sticks with the comrades.
That's what life is all about.
[Ding!.]
It's me, Stupid Ho-o-rse Oh.
Hey, Stupid Horse.
I thought I'd come to Esther's to grab some food.
You know I love to get some salad on the Cobb with the homies! Well, the homies thought you were busy.
Well, you'd know my schedge - if you accept my calendar invite - Put that thing away.
You know I don't mix food with my technology.
It's common knowledge.
Aw! Snap! We got the mozzarella sticks on deck! They don't always agree with the ol' hamsteroids, but Now, why'd you have to go and do that, my dude? Hey, what are you doing? Those are Canon Wulf's sticks.
So? There are like 102 of em.
[Toilet flushes.]
He's not gonna notice.
Yo, what the Stupid Horse.
Hell you talkin' 'bout? Stupid Horse ain't even here! Uh, hello! [Chuckles.]
[Growling.]
I'm I'm sitting right next to you.
You live up to your name more and more every day.
[Chuckles.]
Look, it's just one Ah, come on! It's your boy! Ooh-hoo! [Cat screeches.]
Stop it, Canon Wulf! Daaaah! Look at what you did, Stupid Horse.
Me?! You just tried to kill me! Ask me if I'm sorry! Great.
Now I can starve to death.
[Chuckles.]
Y-You're being a bit dramatic.
There are plenty of other places to eat.
Let's go to that place, umM.
C.
Donald's.
Now, y'all know that I'm allergic to everything that's not from Esther's.
Remember that one time I tried to eat somewhere else? Don't like it.
Being picky doesn't make you allergic to other food.
[Coughs.]
Take it up with my doctor.
O-M-G-O-D! You are dying.
Face it, Stupid Horse Esther's is gone.
Time to go home now and die.
Aw, man! I don't know how this is my fault, but I gotta fix it somehow.
Are you there, God? It's me, Stupid Hor [Clank.]
Ohhh! LaserDiscs.
[Buzzing.]
Hey, Wallace.
Call the FoodGoGo.
Where the [Bshh.]
are you?! Hey, God.
I, umI got your food.
And I should be there in like, the, uhestimated 25 to 85 minutes? [Bshh.]
! Oh, and yeah it's burnt up pretty bad.
And it's cold.
Wallace, what else do you want? And don't say "Mediterranean.
" I'm tired of eating falafels! Are you ready? Let's go.
[Rapping.]
Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry Thick-ass for you, thick-ass for me My thick-ass shakes come in one size It's large, no compromise My name is Esther, and that's [Slurping.]
One thick-ass shake Ahh.
Lazor Wulf: Go on.
Smile while you making that thick-ass shake.
[Smooches.]
Rewind it, then burn it.
No it's one of Esther's training videos, all on LaserDisc! There's a whole box of 'em! "Wok Tok," "Makin' Jamaican Bacon.
" And look! There's one on mozzarella sticks! Oh, shit! For real?! I mean man, [Bshh.]
mozzarellas.
What are you getting at? I'm rebuilding Esther's right here.
Nope.
I won't let you rebuild Esther's in my house.
This is my house, though.
Y'all just came over one day and never left.
It don't matter if it's my house, Lazor Wulf's house, or Canon's.
The point is, there will never be another Esther's.
Besides, we got Lazor Wulf's death to plan.
[Squeaking.]
What is this [Bshh.]
? I'm hosting my own Future Death Party, and it's gonna be the most good.
[Air horn blares.]
Don't be late.
I can already feel death's cold grip.
Hang in there, homey.
[Deep voice.]
I will do everything in the present to stop you from dying in the future.
[Paddles whining.]
In a world where Stupid Horse saves Lazor Wulf [Zap.]
Whew! [Chuckles.]
Man, this is gonna be a really good movie.
[Ding.]
Stupid Horse: Lazor Wulf! I did it! Mm, did you really? I've seen way better replicas of Esther's.
Now, quit this charade and let's celebrate [Dance music plays.]
my future death.
This is for the dead well, dying homey.
Welcome to Lazor Wulf's Future Death Party.
Finally time to die partying.
Just wait until you try the food.
You're gonna love my Spanish tapatas.
That's Spanish for "tapata.
" Customers?! I will not feed all these people! They ain't here for you.
They here for the Future Death Party.
Come on in! Oh, damn! Iwish I could be there.
Yo, my man, is this the line for the new Esther's? Well, is it? Answer me, mother[Bshh.]
! They got cake with bones in it? Bruh, they got the Dancin' Ladies? Man, I wish somebody would've thrown a Future Death Party for me.
Shut up, Wallace.
Why is it the only time people call my name is when they're in trouble? Change my name to Taddrick or Maurice.
You might could actually pull off Taddrick.
[Ringing.]
You better not tell me that Thai Food Tanic was destroyed, too! Actually, Esther's reopened.
And I'm waiting for your first order right now.
Well, hurry up! I'm hungry, God damn it! Wallace, if my food ain't here in the next 20 minutes, I'm-a make you write an angry letter.
And I'm switching to Dork Dash! Hey, yo, Dumb Horse! We ain't got our thick-ass shakes yet.
Okay, okay, two thick-asses comin' right up And ooh! You said "ass"! I'm tellin' your daddy.
Where Where is your daddy? Go get my damn shake.
[Dance music continues.]
Yo-ho-ho-ho! Lazor Wulf! Can't you see I'm talking to Battle Ham, Stupid? I find comfort in your words, my dear friend.
Be well.
Look, homey! I just made you [Splat!.]
You didn't even try it.
The facts are that you can't replicate Esther's.
Now be a real friend and stop trying to save my life.
It's time to celebrate my future death.
Go find a pair of goggles.
The light show's about to start.
[Gasps.]
Oh, butI can't.
I forgot I gotta save you and [Bshh.]
.
Accept my fate.
[Dance music continues.]
A-hem! Doofus Horse thick-ass shakes? - Man: We need some thick-ass shakes, too! - Man #2: I need some thick-ass shakes.
Man #3: Uh, service! Excuse me? Garçon?! Coming! I promise, Lazor Wulf I will not [Deep voice.]
let you die.
[Normal voice.]
Yeah.
I'm on the way.
All right, Yeti, let's start this light show.
I'm about to turn this party up a notch.
[Squeaking.]
Stupid Horse.
What? Whosaid that? - Over here.
- Esther?! [Rapping.]
Give it a rest, put down the thick-ass shake You cannot do what you think you can [Chuckles.]
That's where you're wrong.
Look I made shrimp scampi.
You may be proud of your skramp scampi But it'll never be Like my great-grandpappy's skramp scampi You know what, Esther? [Bshh.]
you, your old-ass great-grampy, and his stupid-ass skrimp scampi.
[Indistinct complaining.]
Name? Montell Jordan.
But you call me Stupid Horse.
Neither are on the list.
You have got to try this.
[High-pitched.]
It makes you talk weird.
[Bubbling.]
[Deep voice.]
This is most bizarre.
What strain is this? Look at him! He's actually starving to death! You don't think I know that?! [Voice breaking.]
This how I fake-cry for real.
[Normal voice.]
Don't you ruin this for me.
Are you for real?! Lazor Wulf ain't the only customer, you know.
[High-pitched whining.]
If I do not get my thick-ass shake Not only is my friend dying and I'm missing his party, but you buggin' me about thick-ass shakes?! I don't care about you! Go away! [High-pitched whining.]
You going to wish you cared.
[Dance music continues.]
God's gonna kill me.
Yep! [Dance music continues.]
This party makes me, like, not be sad that you're dying.
Yo, at first, I was, like, real perturbed about your future death and shit, but this party is tight, so now I'm not.
"Perturbed" meaning "anxious and/or upset.
" ['80s-style synth music plays.]
A-perturbed.
Thanks, bro.
This is pretty perfect, now that you mention it.
[Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop!.]
I'm thinking about dying like this every weekend.
All right, here we go.
Uh, one cup bananas and, uh, two cups allspice [Rapping.]
This again? I thought I told you Your pad Thai tastes like my Esther, stop.
You may be right, but in the end You cannot save yo' best friend Shut up! Shut up!! Shut up!!! Shut uuuuuuup! [Pan clanks.]
You did your best, and that's good enough for me.
Stupid Horse: Whoo, hoo, hoo! Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo! Damn it, man.
What now? [Weakly.]
I got all your favorite foods.
This again? I'm two seconds away from writing you into my will just to take you out.
The Youth: Hey! I'm giving this place a terrible review! You are a disgrace to Esther's name and her shakes with the thick ass! Also, let's kill Stupid Horse.
Eh, at least she got my name right.
[Indistinct shouting.]
Look, just try one bite.
I promise if it's not just like Esther's, I'll come and join the Future Death Party and help you die in peace.
Fine.
Only because I need to future-die with a clear conscience.
I will try it, but I won't like it.
I like it.
I'm back in the life game.
Party's over.
Now get the [Bshh.]
out my house.
Man, we came to party till you died.
This some bullshit.
You telling me I spent $1,700 on a Gabonni outfit for nothing? That's exactly what you did.
[High-pitched whining.]
Now shut up and get out of my way.
God: Speak, FoodGoGo! Got your food.
I'll be there in, um So, how do I get to you? [Thunder crashes.]
[Cackles.]
Take that, FoodGoGo! But I'm not FoodGoGo.
You made your choice! He forgot the mozzarella sticks! Yeah, I did.
No mozzarella sticks?! FoodGoGo! [Thunder crashes.]
Here's to my life.
[Slurps.]
[Growls.]
Boooooooooooyyyyyyy! So, no one cares that Canon Wulf keeps trying to kill me? Let's just go to Another Esther's.
Wait.
Another Esther's? Yeah, uhEsther's other restaurant.
You ain't heard of Another Esther's? [Deep voice.]
No, I haven't.
Wait, why didn't we just go to that one? 'Cause OG Esther's got them heated toilet seats, son.
Oh, yeah.
[Chuckles.]
That's right.
It keeps ya ass hot.
[Sizzling.]