Lemon La Vida Loca (2012) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1 Hello.
My name's Keith Lemon.
Welcome to my reality show.
I'm Keith Lemon - the host of shows such as Celebrity Juice and Lemonaid.
I'm even about to star in me own film.
Action! And now I've been given me own reality show, so you're gonna get to know the real me.
Rosie, watch this! That's Rosie, my girlfriend.
She's gonna be moving in with me.
My she's fit.
I want to finger-blast her right now, but I won't cos we're on camera! Stay tuned to get exclusive access to me incredible celebrity lifestyle.
It's lavish, int'it? This is me, Keith Lemon laid bare.
What are you doing? Oh, my God.
Get out of the bathroom.
I'm really excited to have me own reality show because at last I can be myself and you'll get to see the real me.
This is me house.
I've got a good view of London.
I had a dog called Gary on Celebrity Juice and that poor little bugger died cos of old age.
Most people go to taxidermists or just bury their pets.
I had mine dipped in liquid aluminium.
Sometimes I think I hear him bark and then I realise I didn't hear him bark because he's dead.
Me girlfriend's coming down to live with me, which is a big step.
It's exciting and I'm a bit nervous about it as well.
I'm just on me way to Keith's flat now to move in.
It's gonna be a massive change for me because since I've been on telly I've become a true fanny magnet.
I really like her and I think I'm old enough now to probably stick with one woman and try and make a go of it.
I've known Keith since we were tiny and we decided to take our relationship to the next step.
It's really exciting.
I've cleared up a drawer so she can put her jumpers and what not in there, her jeans.
She can put Oh no, she can't put them in that one.
I'll get rid of them.
just to give her some lady space.
Hi.
I've just had a clearout and I brought some things for you.
Lovely.
I don't know if that's any good to you.
Got a plunger there.
Right.
Fix a blockage.
Couple of shirts.
These used to belong to David Hasselhoff.
Oh, really? Really? From Baywatch.
I see him more as Knight Rider myself.
Not worn them.
Right.
Not used any of these.
Always wear your wellies when you go swimming, yeah.
I've got loads of different coloured ones as well.
Lovely.
Right.
Promote safe sex, yeah.
This for a big dog.
Right.
Some kinky videos and some kinky books.
I don't know what that is.
I think you hang it at the back of a car like there's someone in there going, 'Let me out! Let me out! Can you tell Jean to get that phone.
Yeah.
Can you sell some of this stuff then? Some of it I think.
But some of it might be a little risque for here.
What? The plunger?! Ta-ra! That felt nice that.
She should have been here by now.
I hope she's not been in an accident and crashed and died.
You can't smell sex, can you? I was really nervous when I was going in with my case.
It's a big commitment, but it's amazing.
We're gonna move in.
That must be her now.
Hello? Hiya! Hey! All right! How's it going? Good, yeah.
I've got my bag.
Come in.
You know about the cameras obviously.
Yeah.
Cheers.
Cheers.
I can't believe it.
It's mad, isn't it? Sit down.
It smells a bit funny in here.
Have you had the window shut? We had a few mates round last night.
Oh, did you? You're last night of freedom.
Yeah.
Yeah, well get used to it! I'm really happy about it.
I'm really excited.
Things are gonna be good.
Just don't look at the cameras.
Just relax and do whatever you want.
I'm just joking! Have you made me key? No, but we can go and get that done.
OK.
I've got to do Celebrity Juice today.
I get picked up at 1.
00.
Oh, right.
Soon.
Yeah.
OK.
Should I come later? Erm Yeah, come down later.
You should come down.
I won't if you don't want me to.
You should come and I'll introduce you to Fearne and Holly.
OK! So Rosie's just come down which was amazing.
Even more amazing than that it was Wednesday which is when we film Celebrity Juice.
I was so excited.
I couldn't wait to get out of there.
Not from you.
Just to get to the studio.
It's so much fun.
This is the studio.
We don't really know what's gonna happen tonight, so we'll do a run-through and what bits work stay in and what bits don't don't stay in.
Anyone who doesn't want to be in my reality show put your hand up now and we'll blur your face out.
Blurred face.
Blurred face.
It's great watching Keith at work.
I love watching him.
I think he's really funny.
Yeah, he flirts with the girls - especially Holly and Fearne.
But that's his job.
Which one's his room? Hiya.
Hello.
Hiya.
Hello.
Hiya.
How's it going? What are you doing here? You never said you were coming.
I did.
Did you? Yeah.
Hiya.
This is Rosie.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Are you all right? This is Fearne.
Are you We're just going through what we're gonna do in the show.
Aw, it's nice to meet you at last.
And you, yeah.
Yes.
Good.
This is Rosie.
So are you staying around for the show then? Yeah, I'm gonna watch.
It's busy out there, yeah.
I'll erm I'll see you out there then.
I'll leave you to it.
Nice to meet you.
Bye now.
Fearne, have a good show.
Yeah.
And you.
Have a good one.
Thanks.
She's pretty in real life.
I know I say she's ugly on television, but she's pretty.
She's very pretty, yeah.
Yeah.
When Rosie met Fearne you could see the chemistry.
It was amazing.
You're like really good mates, aren't you? Captains Holly Willoughby and Fearne Cotton! It's Keith Lemon! Let's meet the team captains.
It's Fearne Cotton.
Her tiny smile is hurting her! Push.
Come on, Fearne.
You can do it.
I say a lot of things about Fearne's breasts, I've got a wicked picture on my phone and they're all there.
Let's dance! It was good.
I enjoyed myself.
You were rude to Fearne.
I know.
I felt bad.
Shall I text her and say I'm sorry? The buzzer wasn't helping at the end.
Very loud that buzzer, wasn't it? Don't do that.
Oh, I didn't know you were there.
This is Rosie, me girlfriend.
Hello, Rosie.
Hello.
Did you enjoy it, Rosie? Yeah.
Good show, wasn't it? I like your necklace.
It's a little Keith tache.
Isn't she good to you? Yeah.
Are you making her wear that? I'm not making you wear that.
Sign of ownership.
I've got lots of different ones.
She's got lots of different ones.
Love's young dream.
See you.
Rick, nice to see you.
Always a pleasure.
Cheers.
All the best.
Rick's nice, isn't he? Rick Edwards - you've seen him on T4.
I was stood there the whole time you were talking and you just completely ignored me.
I didn't know you were there.
Do you want to see me new shoes? I don't (BLEEP) want to see your new shoes, Keith.
I didn't know you were there.
That's all.
Come on.
I'll show you me new shoes.
Where did you think I (BLEEP) was? The show was good and it was nice to see him at work, but I don't know how well that's gonna work for us because he didn't really include me as much as he could.
It had been quite a long day with the move and everything.
Can we change this duvet cover? Have you got another one? No.
Shall we turn it over? Yeah, let's turn it over.
Are you doing it? There you go.
Girls Aloud.
You like Girls Aloud, don't you? Sound but underground.
That isn't Girls Aloud, Keith.
Who is it then? It's not a band! Oh, aye.
Oh, my God.
I thought that was Sarah Harding there.
Oh, my God! I swear that's Sarah Harding! Keith! That's disgusting! What is? Oh, my God.
It's horrible.
I don't want to look at that.
Let's put a cushion over it then.
That's not gonna stay there, is it? It's horrible.
How do you sleep in this? It's not comfy.
It is.
Don't put that on now.
I want to talk to you.
Well, I'll just have it on so we're ready.
We need to change some stuff about the flat.
So move that mirror tomorrow if you want.
I don't mind the mirror.
It's not really like our place.
It's like your place before I came.
Why don't we move? Are you serious? Yeah, let's buy a house.
What? Like buy a house together? Yeah.
If you want to move? I think it'll be exciting.
I'm tired of living as a bachelor in a bachelor pad.
I think it'd be nice.
That's the right answer.
Shall we have sex then? Going househunting was really exciting and we went to see some really expensive houses.
It's got your cinema room, games room and a pool.
(BLEEP) hell.
Got a nice set of abs on it.
Looks like Jodie Marsh.
Oh! So we're taking our relationship to the next plateau and we're going househunting.
Hello.
Keith Lemon, nice to meet you.
Rosie, hiya.
Alex.
Nice to meet you.
Have a seat.
Thanks.
I've never bought a house before, so I don't really know the procedure.
OK.
Anything north London's good.
The more north the better, so we're closer to Leeds.
Er hidden away a little bit.
Do you know who I am? Yeah.
All right.
Where I lived before we had kids hanging outside shouting, 'I love you, Keith.
I love you.
I'd like you to smash my back doors in,' cos I say that kind of stuff on TV.
So we want games room, cinema room, set behind gates.
We don't need all of those things.
We do.
Yeah, we do! Sort of what you see Peter Andre living in or Katie Price.
That sort of thing, but better than their's.
Well, I've got one up the road from here.
Behind gates.
It's got your cinema room, your games room and a pool.
Sounds ace.
That's on at around the six mark.
Six million.
South-facing rear garden.
Is that too much? Or is that the kind of bracket you had in mind? Erm Well, we could have a look, couldn't we? Let me show you the pictures.
Let's have a look and take it from there, yeah.
Yeah.
Cool.
Cooler than the water in the swimming pool! Going househunting was really exciting.
I couldn't believe it.
We went to see some really expensive houses.
Like £6m houses.
If we were in Leeds You could but half of Leeds for £6m! Do you know what I mean? How much do you think Richard Bacon spent on his house? I'm thinking Richard Bacon's probably got a massive gaff.
Your life is ridiculous! This is my life, baby! Are you ready for this? OK.
Let's have a look.
Edward Scissorhands! What does that mean if it's on the market, but not on the market? They want to sell, but they don't want to advertise it completely.
They don't want anyone to know they want to sell it.
Yeah.
First house we looked at was very lavish and it even had a games room like I'd dreamt of.
I didn't like it.
I liked it.
Come through, guys.
My God! This is my favourite part of the house.
OK.
More for Keith as well.
Yeah, I like this.
It's got a bar.
Your own little games room with a bar.
Cocktails and dreams like Tom Cruise.
It's a bit like a shit nightclub.
Yeah, but I like shit nightclubs! It's got a bar.
I've always dreamed of having a bar.
You've got built-in surround sound as well.
Built-in surround sound? Yeah, all the speakers are built-in.
Are they built-in? Yeah.
It doesn't feel like home though, does it? I like these purple walls.
I don't like the purple walls.
Can we have a private look around in here by ourselves? Of course, of course.
Cool.
He's gonna think this is weird.
Seen the pool table? Yeah.
What? Behave.
No.
He's right outside.
He won't know.
Can you leave us? We're just talking about the price of things.
Go and leave us then.
Don't don't We're not doing that now.
Go on, (BLEEP) off! So the cameras left and we had a chat about the price of things.
Yeah, we were just seeing about How expensive a pool table that size would be.
Yeah, that kind of thing.
It must have been an expensive pool table.
Yeah, we like it.
Really like it.
It's good.
We like the purple walls, don't we? Yeah.
Let's have a look at the rest of the place then.
OK.
Hey, look.
Edward Scissorhands! I like that place, but it smelt of piss! Take that as a no then.
Keith must be doing really well with his job.
I know he's working all the time, but we're looking at some really expensive places.
Just hoping that he's .
.
not showing off.
Come through, guys.
Is it Location, Location, Location or just two locations? I thought it was only two.
Location, Location.
It's like that looking at houses all the time.
I'll take you through to the dining room first.
I'm allergic to cats.
We'll keep them away.
They've got cats in here.
Come through.
They've got cats in here, haven't they? This is not They've got cats.
I'm allergic to cats.
You're not allergic.
You just don't like them.
I am.
I start itching.
I'm allergic to cats, me.
I am.
He's not.
Let's have a look at the rest.
Can I go up the stairs? Yeah, go up.
I can feel the cats.
That's the master bedroom here.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Rent a ghost How do you find this for size? Erm You do have an en suite area.
Have a look through.
I like this.
I like the idea of getting up and going down there for a shit or piss.
It's a nice big bath.
Yeah.
Actually I could do with a pooh.
Keith I actually need a pooh.
No, Keith.
Come on.
Oh, my God.
I'm just gonna have a pooh.
I'm gonna kill him.
Oh, God.
I'm worried.
He might be in there a while.
Really? Yeah.
Shall we leave him to it, wait, or have a look at the rest while he's Erm Do you want to go and check? I'll go and have a word.
Don't you start reading anything! What are you on about reading stuff? Oh, babe! Oh, my God! I didn't really It was just a false alarm.
It was like a succession of trumps.
That sort of thing.
Yeah.
I thought I had to go though.
At least you got to check out the ensuite.
Yeah.
Shall we have a look at the rest? Are you happy with this room? Have you seen enough? Yeah.
After you.
Thanks.
That bloody stinks.
You're disgusting.
No, it didn't come out.
Just farts.
You're lying.
So what's this area of the house? This is the garden obviously.
And is this a II Grade listed building? It's a II Grade listed building, which means You just can't change the exterior.
.
.
you can't change the exterior.
Can you redecorate inside? Yeah, you can do whatever you want inside.
You can't change the front.
You can't change it outside.
Cos inside it's horrible.
That's what Grade II listed building means.
I've understood that now.
Keith knows.
Yeah.
He knows all about it, doesn't he? We can have a look at a few others and see what you think.
Let's have a look at a few others.
Yeah.
Perfect.
The thing with that place I think it'll need rewiring.
Me mate 'Black Tom' had his place rewired and said it was a (BLEEP) ball ache! It's got lights here.
The garage and side access as well.
It's got an entry system as well.
Let's go through.
After you.
Oh, yes.
Oh.
When we walked into the third house it was like that 11 second rule on Location, Location, Location when Kirstie says in the first 11 seconds you know if you want the house or not.
We liked it, didn't we? I'd say it were quicker than 11 seconds.
Was it? Yeah.
Oh, my God.
This is nice, isn't it? You've obviously got the nice island in the middle.
You mentioned privacy.
It is quite secluded, especially if you've got kids who want to come and play outside.
We haven't got any kids.
You might do one day.
Shall we see the rest of the house? Move on, yeah.
So I've saved the best until last.
This is like the games room you wanted with a pool.
That's a pool? Yeah, you'll see now that's a pool.
Hell! So does the floor Yeah.
If we go round it'll start (BLEEP) off! Yeah, yeah.
This is unreal! This isn't It's good.
You can stand on this? Yeah, but not when they start pushing it down.
It'll just go straight down and start filling up.
It's the things dreams are made of.
I'm worried now cos you're gonna want it.
Yeah, I saved the best bit.
Why don't me and you have a chat and you keep looking at this and be amazed and bamboozled? We'll have a chat about money and stuff.
But I know it's amazing.
But it's a lot of money.
Yeah, don't you worry.
And there is a lot to be said for a paddling pool and slide.
We'll have to turn her into a prostitute to afford this! I don't think I could make that much money! It's too much money really.
I'd live in a hole in the ground with Keith.
We really like the place.
Good.
I think she's got her heart set on it more than I have.
Really? Yeah.
She's very materialistic like that.
I'd live in a hole in the ground, me.
I'm not fussed.
But she's right into big properties and stuff.
Yeah.
I've got an idea.
What about if we loaned the house From them? Yeah.
.
.
until they sell it whilst I'm on this reality show.
It would look good for me if it looks like I live in a big house.
So buying is out of the question? I haven't got £6m.
They may come down a bit though.
They may come to around the five mark.
If you put in an offer and then they refuse it I can at least ask them to - I haven't got £5m.
No.
Fortunately they accepted me offer.
So it's gonna be fun.
I can't believe you've spent £6m on a house.
You better believe it.
It's too much really.
Shall we get her for the kitchen? Holy shit! Look at the areolas on that! Like coffee stains! Hi, Fearne.
Yeah, I can come round tomorrow! So where are we going? We're going to a furniture shop.
OK.
So we're gonna get all the basic things we need, yeah? We could get some stuff, yeah.
There's no sign.
Is this a shop? Yeah, it is a shop.
But I think you can also rent stuff as well.
What? Rent furniture if you're having a party? We need to get sofas.
That's important.
We need to get a bed.
Not really.
We need to get them, but we're not gonna get them here.
This is more specialised stuff.
Like if you want a Rubik's Cube - hey, presto.
There's one behind you.
What? It's for decorative stuff for lavish lifestyles.
I didn't want to go to a normal boring furniture shop cos I didn't think it'd make good telly, so I took her to a place where it's got movie props.
Look at this.
Big rhino.
I want to have a look in there.
I don't know if you're allowed to go in there, babe.
I'm a celebrity, get me out of here! Now! I won't eat any of your kangaroo arseholes! That phone box is good.
Normal people don't come here to buy furniture.
I'm not normal, am I? I'm on telly.
We're not getting anything from here.
We'll get that hotdog putting ketchup on his head.
We can get that for the kitchen.
I like that.
Look at the concentration on his face.
It's the same colour as Jodie Marsh! Can I see a red bus out there? Let's have a look at that red bus.
We've just spent a huge amount of money on a house and now we're buying a bus?! For me it's either the rhino or the bus.
Our house is beautiful.
It's going to look ridiculous.
It's gonna look unique.
I don't know that we should be spending money on this stuff when we've just spent a huge amount of money on a house.
Are we gonna have any money left? Stop talking about money! You're worse than me mam! That's me, Gino D'Acampo and Peter Andre.
Good.
Are we gonna go to a furniture shop properly? Me, Gino and Peter Andre.
That's very impressive.
Are we gonna go to the furniture shop? I don't really know about interior design or anything, so why don't I just leave it to you? I don't want to go on me own.
But I don't know anything about sofas and stuff.
What about if we go to DFS? I don't want to go to DFS.
If I go to DFS all I'm gonna get is potato and sh-ting whilst I'm trying to buy a (BLEEP) bed.
Why don't you wear a disguise then? Well, I'll wear a disguise then.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Keith's having a lovely time and we have had a great laugh, but we genuinely need furniture.
Where's Keith now? He's playing in the bus.
Holy shit! Holy shit! I don't understand this at all.
Look at the tiny willy on it! It's like your tiny willy! That's a joke, isn't it? Yeah, all right! Got a nice set of abs on it though.
Looks like Jodie Marsh! Oh! Ooh! Oh, it's knob's fallen off! Oh, God! I promised Rosie I'd go to a normal furniture shop with her, but I wore a disguise so no-one could recognise me.
I don't even think my mam would have recognised me.
Could get a bed here.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I like the dark stuff.
I like the dark stuff.
Looks nice.
Sh-ting.
Shall we go? Sh-ting.
I can't believe that.
Potato! I ended up going shopping on me own.
After we'd moved all our stuff in I thought it would be good to do cribs.
So I went round me house like they do on that telly programme going, 'Look at this.
I've got one of these.
' You told me the whole time, 'Don't do anything for the cameras,' and then you just hosted a show.
Yeah, I know.
Hello, I'm Keith Lemon.
Welcome to Lemon Towers.
This is my house.
Come in.
So this is the hallway.
Because we've just moved in I thought it'd be nice to have some pink champagne here.
This is me living room where I live in in this room.
You can see I've got various awards around.
I've got me TV Choice, me BAFTA down there and me NTA.
I almost shit me pants when I got this! A little brown onion popped out I was so surprised.
This is me coat of arms that I had specially designed for me and Rosie.
You can see the K and the R.
Then this swirly line, which comes round here breaks off into three that come up here and around here and here and here, are very symbolic of a cock and balls! This is the dining room in which we dine in! I got these special romantic plates imported from Afghanistan.
You can see this one features a lady kissing a lady's leg and you can see a bit of tit there.
Look at the areolas on that! Like coffee stains! Here is me kitchen Hiya, Rosie.
.
.
where we kitchen stuff.
She's fit.
I want to finger-blast her right now, but I won't because we're on camera.
What are you doing? Showing them round.
Come down here.
Here we've got me swingball.
A lot of people don't know this, but I am really good at swingball to a level of expertise.
Now I'll show you why.
And sometimes I'll be doing business meetings like so.
Like that.
So this is the first floor of Lemon Towers.
So Oh, you're already here.
That's incredible.
He was over there a minute ago.
So this is the bedroom.
This is a super kingsize bed.
We're kind of very athletic lovers, wouldn't you say? Yeah.
We like to move around.
Let me show you me whip, which is American for car.
You might notice it from the film Back To The Future.
You can see that I have a personalised numberplate and on it it's got 'Bangtidy' and that cost me 1,200 quid.
Oosh! Well, that was our house.
We're gonna go out to the balcony and wave ta-ra to you.
Al the best.
Well, if we don't see you for a week We'll see you for a window.
Ta-ra! See you after the break or later on in the show in the next scene.
Can we get a cup of tea now? Keep waving.
So it was ace.
It looked just like a proper programme where they go round me house I don't see how that's going to fit in with the show though.
It shows people round me house, doesn't it? But it's reality.
They see your house.
You're not supposed to tell them your house.
Oh.
I don't know then.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Like that.
OK.
What are we toasting to? The arrival of our next level.
What is that?! It's er pink champagne.
I tell you what.
I know it's all a bit weird for you moving to London, so to make you feel at home I've got you a special gift.
I think you'll like it.
Come and look at this.
Oh, no.
So obviously it's a painting.
OK.
So I hope you like it.
Yeah.
Ready? Yeah.
Er I'll fix that later.
Neil Buchanan from Art Attack did it.
He's good, isn't he? Do you like it? Yeah.
It's nice, isn't it? We can't have it up in here.
Why? Cos people will come round.
Yeah, hopefully and they'll admire our love.
Look I'm getting it right in your vagina there.
Wow! Who would have thought we would live in a house with 13 windows round the front.
Are you excited? I can't believe it.
It's amazing.
Me phone's ringing.
It's Fearne.
Hi, Fearne.
Yeah, we're just doing an exterior shot of the house for the reality programme.
We're just round the corner from you now, so I'll be able to pop round.
Yeah, I can come round tomorrow! I'm not doing owt tomorrow, am I? Don't know.
Yeah, I'll come round for half 11 then.
Is it just me and you or is Olly gonna be there? OK, just me and you then.
All right, I'm gonna commence now with this exterior shot.
See you later.
Ta-ra.
Wow! It's amazing, isn't it? Action! This scene is a very romantic, seductive scene.
Hello, son! You get out of my (BLEEP) house! Come on then! You get out of my (BLEEP) house! Are you gonna watch this? No, no, no, no, no!
My name's Keith Lemon.
Welcome to my reality show.
I'm Keith Lemon - the host of shows such as Celebrity Juice and Lemonaid.
I'm even about to star in me own film.
Action! And now I've been given me own reality show, so you're gonna get to know the real me.
Rosie, watch this! That's Rosie, my girlfriend.
She's gonna be moving in with me.
My she's fit.
I want to finger-blast her right now, but I won't cos we're on camera! Stay tuned to get exclusive access to me incredible celebrity lifestyle.
It's lavish, int'it? This is me, Keith Lemon laid bare.
What are you doing? Oh, my God.
Get out of the bathroom.
I'm really excited to have me own reality show because at last I can be myself and you'll get to see the real me.
This is me house.
I've got a good view of London.
I had a dog called Gary on Celebrity Juice and that poor little bugger died cos of old age.
Most people go to taxidermists or just bury their pets.
I had mine dipped in liquid aluminium.
Sometimes I think I hear him bark and then I realise I didn't hear him bark because he's dead.
Me girlfriend's coming down to live with me, which is a big step.
It's exciting and I'm a bit nervous about it as well.
I'm just on me way to Keith's flat now to move in.
It's gonna be a massive change for me because since I've been on telly I've become a true fanny magnet.
I really like her and I think I'm old enough now to probably stick with one woman and try and make a go of it.
I've known Keith since we were tiny and we decided to take our relationship to the next step.
It's really exciting.
I've cleared up a drawer so she can put her jumpers and what not in there, her jeans.
She can put Oh no, she can't put them in that one.
I'll get rid of them.
just to give her some lady space.
Hi.
I've just had a clearout and I brought some things for you.
Lovely.
I don't know if that's any good to you.
Got a plunger there.
Right.
Fix a blockage.
Couple of shirts.
These used to belong to David Hasselhoff.
Oh, really? Really? From Baywatch.
I see him more as Knight Rider myself.
Not worn them.
Right.
Not used any of these.
Always wear your wellies when you go swimming, yeah.
I've got loads of different coloured ones as well.
Lovely.
Right.
Promote safe sex, yeah.
This for a big dog.
Right.
Some kinky videos and some kinky books.
I don't know what that is.
I think you hang it at the back of a car like there's someone in there going, 'Let me out! Let me out! Can you tell Jean to get that phone.
Yeah.
Can you sell some of this stuff then? Some of it I think.
But some of it might be a little risque for here.
What? The plunger?! Ta-ra! That felt nice that.
She should have been here by now.
I hope she's not been in an accident and crashed and died.
You can't smell sex, can you? I was really nervous when I was going in with my case.
It's a big commitment, but it's amazing.
We're gonna move in.
That must be her now.
Hello? Hiya! Hey! All right! How's it going? Good, yeah.
I've got my bag.
Come in.
You know about the cameras obviously.
Yeah.
Cheers.
Cheers.
I can't believe it.
It's mad, isn't it? Sit down.
It smells a bit funny in here.
Have you had the window shut? We had a few mates round last night.
Oh, did you? You're last night of freedom.
Yeah.
Yeah, well get used to it! I'm really happy about it.
I'm really excited.
Things are gonna be good.
Just don't look at the cameras.
Just relax and do whatever you want.
I'm just joking! Have you made me key? No, but we can go and get that done.
OK.
I've got to do Celebrity Juice today.
I get picked up at 1.
00.
Oh, right.
Soon.
Yeah.
OK.
Should I come later? Erm Yeah, come down later.
You should come down.
I won't if you don't want me to.
You should come and I'll introduce you to Fearne and Holly.
OK! So Rosie's just come down which was amazing.
Even more amazing than that it was Wednesday which is when we film Celebrity Juice.
I was so excited.
I couldn't wait to get out of there.
Not from you.
Just to get to the studio.
It's so much fun.
This is the studio.
We don't really know what's gonna happen tonight, so we'll do a run-through and what bits work stay in and what bits don't don't stay in.
Anyone who doesn't want to be in my reality show put your hand up now and we'll blur your face out.
Blurred face.
Blurred face.
It's great watching Keith at work.
I love watching him.
I think he's really funny.
Yeah, he flirts with the girls - especially Holly and Fearne.
But that's his job.
Which one's his room? Hiya.
Hello.
Hiya.
Hello.
Hiya.
How's it going? What are you doing here? You never said you were coming.
I did.
Did you? Yeah.
Hiya.
This is Rosie.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Are you all right? This is Fearne.
Are you We're just going through what we're gonna do in the show.
Aw, it's nice to meet you at last.
And you, yeah.
Yes.
Good.
This is Rosie.
So are you staying around for the show then? Yeah, I'm gonna watch.
It's busy out there, yeah.
I'll erm I'll see you out there then.
I'll leave you to it.
Nice to meet you.
Bye now.
Fearne, have a good show.
Yeah.
And you.
Have a good one.
Thanks.
She's pretty in real life.
I know I say she's ugly on television, but she's pretty.
She's very pretty, yeah.
Yeah.
When Rosie met Fearne you could see the chemistry.
It was amazing.
You're like really good mates, aren't you? Captains Holly Willoughby and Fearne Cotton! It's Keith Lemon! Let's meet the team captains.
It's Fearne Cotton.
Her tiny smile is hurting her! Push.
Come on, Fearne.
You can do it.
I say a lot of things about Fearne's breasts, I've got a wicked picture on my phone and they're all there.
Let's dance! It was good.
I enjoyed myself.
You were rude to Fearne.
I know.
I felt bad.
Shall I text her and say I'm sorry? The buzzer wasn't helping at the end.
Very loud that buzzer, wasn't it? Don't do that.
Oh, I didn't know you were there.
This is Rosie, me girlfriend.
Hello, Rosie.
Hello.
Did you enjoy it, Rosie? Yeah.
Good show, wasn't it? I like your necklace.
It's a little Keith tache.
Isn't she good to you? Yeah.
Are you making her wear that? I'm not making you wear that.
Sign of ownership.
I've got lots of different ones.
She's got lots of different ones.
Love's young dream.
See you.
Rick, nice to see you.
Always a pleasure.
Cheers.
All the best.
Rick's nice, isn't he? Rick Edwards - you've seen him on T4.
I was stood there the whole time you were talking and you just completely ignored me.
I didn't know you were there.
Do you want to see me new shoes? I don't (BLEEP) want to see your new shoes, Keith.
I didn't know you were there.
That's all.
Come on.
I'll show you me new shoes.
Where did you think I (BLEEP) was? The show was good and it was nice to see him at work, but I don't know how well that's gonna work for us because he didn't really include me as much as he could.
It had been quite a long day with the move and everything.
Can we change this duvet cover? Have you got another one? No.
Shall we turn it over? Yeah, let's turn it over.
Are you doing it? There you go.
Girls Aloud.
You like Girls Aloud, don't you? Sound but underground.
That isn't Girls Aloud, Keith.
Who is it then? It's not a band! Oh, aye.
Oh, my God.
I thought that was Sarah Harding there.
Oh, my God! I swear that's Sarah Harding! Keith! That's disgusting! What is? Oh, my God.
It's horrible.
I don't want to look at that.
Let's put a cushion over it then.
That's not gonna stay there, is it? It's horrible.
How do you sleep in this? It's not comfy.
It is.
Don't put that on now.
I want to talk to you.
Well, I'll just have it on so we're ready.
We need to change some stuff about the flat.
So move that mirror tomorrow if you want.
I don't mind the mirror.
It's not really like our place.
It's like your place before I came.
Why don't we move? Are you serious? Yeah, let's buy a house.
What? Like buy a house together? Yeah.
If you want to move? I think it'll be exciting.
I'm tired of living as a bachelor in a bachelor pad.
I think it'd be nice.
That's the right answer.
Shall we have sex then? Going househunting was really exciting and we went to see some really expensive houses.
It's got your cinema room, games room and a pool.
(BLEEP) hell.
Got a nice set of abs on it.
Looks like Jodie Marsh.
Oh! So we're taking our relationship to the next plateau and we're going househunting.
Hello.
Keith Lemon, nice to meet you.
Rosie, hiya.
Alex.
Nice to meet you.
Have a seat.
Thanks.
I've never bought a house before, so I don't really know the procedure.
OK.
Anything north London's good.
The more north the better, so we're closer to Leeds.
Er hidden away a little bit.
Do you know who I am? Yeah.
All right.
Where I lived before we had kids hanging outside shouting, 'I love you, Keith.
I love you.
I'd like you to smash my back doors in,' cos I say that kind of stuff on TV.
So we want games room, cinema room, set behind gates.
We don't need all of those things.
We do.
Yeah, we do! Sort of what you see Peter Andre living in or Katie Price.
That sort of thing, but better than their's.
Well, I've got one up the road from here.
Behind gates.
It's got your cinema room, your games room and a pool.
Sounds ace.
That's on at around the six mark.
Six million.
South-facing rear garden.
Is that too much? Or is that the kind of bracket you had in mind? Erm Well, we could have a look, couldn't we? Let me show you the pictures.
Let's have a look and take it from there, yeah.
Yeah.
Cool.
Cooler than the water in the swimming pool! Going househunting was really exciting.
I couldn't believe it.
We went to see some really expensive houses.
Like £6m houses.
If we were in Leeds You could but half of Leeds for £6m! Do you know what I mean? How much do you think Richard Bacon spent on his house? I'm thinking Richard Bacon's probably got a massive gaff.
Your life is ridiculous! This is my life, baby! Are you ready for this? OK.
Let's have a look.
Edward Scissorhands! What does that mean if it's on the market, but not on the market? They want to sell, but they don't want to advertise it completely.
They don't want anyone to know they want to sell it.
Yeah.
First house we looked at was very lavish and it even had a games room like I'd dreamt of.
I didn't like it.
I liked it.
Come through, guys.
My God! This is my favourite part of the house.
OK.
More for Keith as well.
Yeah, I like this.
It's got a bar.
Your own little games room with a bar.
Cocktails and dreams like Tom Cruise.
It's a bit like a shit nightclub.
Yeah, but I like shit nightclubs! It's got a bar.
I've always dreamed of having a bar.
You've got built-in surround sound as well.
Built-in surround sound? Yeah, all the speakers are built-in.
Are they built-in? Yeah.
It doesn't feel like home though, does it? I like these purple walls.
I don't like the purple walls.
Can we have a private look around in here by ourselves? Of course, of course.
Cool.
He's gonna think this is weird.
Seen the pool table? Yeah.
What? Behave.
No.
He's right outside.
He won't know.
Can you leave us? We're just talking about the price of things.
Go and leave us then.
Don't don't We're not doing that now.
Go on, (BLEEP) off! So the cameras left and we had a chat about the price of things.
Yeah, we were just seeing about How expensive a pool table that size would be.
Yeah, that kind of thing.
It must have been an expensive pool table.
Yeah, we like it.
Really like it.
It's good.
We like the purple walls, don't we? Yeah.
Let's have a look at the rest of the place then.
OK.
Hey, look.
Edward Scissorhands! I like that place, but it smelt of piss! Take that as a no then.
Keith must be doing really well with his job.
I know he's working all the time, but we're looking at some really expensive places.
Just hoping that he's .
.
not showing off.
Come through, guys.
Is it Location, Location, Location or just two locations? I thought it was only two.
Location, Location.
It's like that looking at houses all the time.
I'll take you through to the dining room first.
I'm allergic to cats.
We'll keep them away.
They've got cats in here.
Come through.
They've got cats in here, haven't they? This is not They've got cats.
I'm allergic to cats.
You're not allergic.
You just don't like them.
I am.
I start itching.
I'm allergic to cats, me.
I am.
He's not.
Let's have a look at the rest.
Can I go up the stairs? Yeah, go up.
I can feel the cats.
That's the master bedroom here.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Rent a ghost How do you find this for size? Erm You do have an en suite area.
Have a look through.
I like this.
I like the idea of getting up and going down there for a shit or piss.
It's a nice big bath.
Yeah.
Actually I could do with a pooh.
Keith I actually need a pooh.
No, Keith.
Come on.
Oh, my God.
I'm just gonna have a pooh.
I'm gonna kill him.
Oh, God.
I'm worried.
He might be in there a while.
Really? Yeah.
Shall we leave him to it, wait, or have a look at the rest while he's Erm Do you want to go and check? I'll go and have a word.
Don't you start reading anything! What are you on about reading stuff? Oh, babe! Oh, my God! I didn't really It was just a false alarm.
It was like a succession of trumps.
That sort of thing.
Yeah.
I thought I had to go though.
At least you got to check out the ensuite.
Yeah.
Shall we have a look at the rest? Are you happy with this room? Have you seen enough? Yeah.
After you.
Thanks.
That bloody stinks.
You're disgusting.
No, it didn't come out.
Just farts.
You're lying.
So what's this area of the house? This is the garden obviously.
And is this a II Grade listed building? It's a II Grade listed building, which means You just can't change the exterior.
.
.
you can't change the exterior.
Can you redecorate inside? Yeah, you can do whatever you want inside.
You can't change the front.
You can't change it outside.
Cos inside it's horrible.
That's what Grade II listed building means.
I've understood that now.
Keith knows.
Yeah.
He knows all about it, doesn't he? We can have a look at a few others and see what you think.
Let's have a look at a few others.
Yeah.
Perfect.
The thing with that place I think it'll need rewiring.
Me mate 'Black Tom' had his place rewired and said it was a (BLEEP) ball ache! It's got lights here.
The garage and side access as well.
It's got an entry system as well.
Let's go through.
After you.
Oh, yes.
Oh.
When we walked into the third house it was like that 11 second rule on Location, Location, Location when Kirstie says in the first 11 seconds you know if you want the house or not.
We liked it, didn't we? I'd say it were quicker than 11 seconds.
Was it? Yeah.
Oh, my God.
This is nice, isn't it? You've obviously got the nice island in the middle.
You mentioned privacy.
It is quite secluded, especially if you've got kids who want to come and play outside.
We haven't got any kids.
You might do one day.
Shall we see the rest of the house? Move on, yeah.
So I've saved the best until last.
This is like the games room you wanted with a pool.
That's a pool? Yeah, you'll see now that's a pool.
Hell! So does the floor Yeah.
If we go round it'll start (BLEEP) off! Yeah, yeah.
This is unreal! This isn't It's good.
You can stand on this? Yeah, but not when they start pushing it down.
It'll just go straight down and start filling up.
It's the things dreams are made of.
I'm worried now cos you're gonna want it.
Yeah, I saved the best bit.
Why don't me and you have a chat and you keep looking at this and be amazed and bamboozled? We'll have a chat about money and stuff.
But I know it's amazing.
But it's a lot of money.
Yeah, don't you worry.
And there is a lot to be said for a paddling pool and slide.
We'll have to turn her into a prostitute to afford this! I don't think I could make that much money! It's too much money really.
I'd live in a hole in the ground with Keith.
We really like the place.
Good.
I think she's got her heart set on it more than I have.
Really? Yeah.
She's very materialistic like that.
I'd live in a hole in the ground, me.
I'm not fussed.
But she's right into big properties and stuff.
Yeah.
I've got an idea.
What about if we loaned the house From them? Yeah.
.
.
until they sell it whilst I'm on this reality show.
It would look good for me if it looks like I live in a big house.
So buying is out of the question? I haven't got £6m.
They may come down a bit though.
They may come to around the five mark.
If you put in an offer and then they refuse it I can at least ask them to - I haven't got £5m.
No.
Fortunately they accepted me offer.
So it's gonna be fun.
I can't believe you've spent £6m on a house.
You better believe it.
It's too much really.
Shall we get her for the kitchen? Holy shit! Look at the areolas on that! Like coffee stains! Hi, Fearne.
Yeah, I can come round tomorrow! So where are we going? We're going to a furniture shop.
OK.
So we're gonna get all the basic things we need, yeah? We could get some stuff, yeah.
There's no sign.
Is this a shop? Yeah, it is a shop.
But I think you can also rent stuff as well.
What? Rent furniture if you're having a party? We need to get sofas.
That's important.
We need to get a bed.
Not really.
We need to get them, but we're not gonna get them here.
This is more specialised stuff.
Like if you want a Rubik's Cube - hey, presto.
There's one behind you.
What? It's for decorative stuff for lavish lifestyles.
I didn't want to go to a normal boring furniture shop cos I didn't think it'd make good telly, so I took her to a place where it's got movie props.
Look at this.
Big rhino.
I want to have a look in there.
I don't know if you're allowed to go in there, babe.
I'm a celebrity, get me out of here! Now! I won't eat any of your kangaroo arseholes! That phone box is good.
Normal people don't come here to buy furniture.
I'm not normal, am I? I'm on telly.
We're not getting anything from here.
We'll get that hotdog putting ketchup on his head.
We can get that for the kitchen.
I like that.
Look at the concentration on his face.
It's the same colour as Jodie Marsh! Can I see a red bus out there? Let's have a look at that red bus.
We've just spent a huge amount of money on a house and now we're buying a bus?! For me it's either the rhino or the bus.
Our house is beautiful.
It's going to look ridiculous.
It's gonna look unique.
I don't know that we should be spending money on this stuff when we've just spent a huge amount of money on a house.
Are we gonna have any money left? Stop talking about money! You're worse than me mam! That's me, Gino D'Acampo and Peter Andre.
Good.
Are we gonna go to a furniture shop properly? Me, Gino and Peter Andre.
That's very impressive.
Are we gonna go to the furniture shop? I don't really know about interior design or anything, so why don't I just leave it to you? I don't want to go on me own.
But I don't know anything about sofas and stuff.
What about if we go to DFS? I don't want to go to DFS.
If I go to DFS all I'm gonna get is potato and sh-ting whilst I'm trying to buy a (BLEEP) bed.
Why don't you wear a disguise then? Well, I'll wear a disguise then.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Keith's having a lovely time and we have had a great laugh, but we genuinely need furniture.
Where's Keith now? He's playing in the bus.
Holy shit! Holy shit! I don't understand this at all.
Look at the tiny willy on it! It's like your tiny willy! That's a joke, isn't it? Yeah, all right! Got a nice set of abs on it though.
Looks like Jodie Marsh! Oh! Ooh! Oh, it's knob's fallen off! Oh, God! I promised Rosie I'd go to a normal furniture shop with her, but I wore a disguise so no-one could recognise me.
I don't even think my mam would have recognised me.
Could get a bed here.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I like the dark stuff.
I like the dark stuff.
Looks nice.
Sh-ting.
Shall we go? Sh-ting.
I can't believe that.
Potato! I ended up going shopping on me own.
After we'd moved all our stuff in I thought it would be good to do cribs.
So I went round me house like they do on that telly programme going, 'Look at this.
I've got one of these.
' You told me the whole time, 'Don't do anything for the cameras,' and then you just hosted a show.
Yeah, I know.
Hello, I'm Keith Lemon.
Welcome to Lemon Towers.
This is my house.
Come in.
So this is the hallway.
Because we've just moved in I thought it'd be nice to have some pink champagne here.
This is me living room where I live in in this room.
You can see I've got various awards around.
I've got me TV Choice, me BAFTA down there and me NTA.
I almost shit me pants when I got this! A little brown onion popped out I was so surprised.
This is me coat of arms that I had specially designed for me and Rosie.
You can see the K and the R.
Then this swirly line, which comes round here breaks off into three that come up here and around here and here and here, are very symbolic of a cock and balls! This is the dining room in which we dine in! I got these special romantic plates imported from Afghanistan.
You can see this one features a lady kissing a lady's leg and you can see a bit of tit there.
Look at the areolas on that! Like coffee stains! Here is me kitchen Hiya, Rosie.
.
.
where we kitchen stuff.
She's fit.
I want to finger-blast her right now, but I won't because we're on camera.
What are you doing? Showing them round.
Come down here.
Here we've got me swingball.
A lot of people don't know this, but I am really good at swingball to a level of expertise.
Now I'll show you why.
And sometimes I'll be doing business meetings like so.
Like that.
So this is the first floor of Lemon Towers.
So Oh, you're already here.
That's incredible.
He was over there a minute ago.
So this is the bedroom.
This is a super kingsize bed.
We're kind of very athletic lovers, wouldn't you say? Yeah.
We like to move around.
Let me show you me whip, which is American for car.
You might notice it from the film Back To The Future.
You can see that I have a personalised numberplate and on it it's got 'Bangtidy' and that cost me 1,200 quid.
Oosh! Well, that was our house.
We're gonna go out to the balcony and wave ta-ra to you.
Al the best.
Well, if we don't see you for a week We'll see you for a window.
Ta-ra! See you after the break or later on in the show in the next scene.
Can we get a cup of tea now? Keep waving.
So it was ace.
It looked just like a proper programme where they go round me house I don't see how that's going to fit in with the show though.
It shows people round me house, doesn't it? But it's reality.
They see your house.
You're not supposed to tell them your house.
Oh.
I don't know then.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Like that.
OK.
What are we toasting to? The arrival of our next level.
What is that?! It's er pink champagne.
I tell you what.
I know it's all a bit weird for you moving to London, so to make you feel at home I've got you a special gift.
I think you'll like it.
Come and look at this.
Oh, no.
So obviously it's a painting.
OK.
So I hope you like it.
Yeah.
Ready? Yeah.
Er I'll fix that later.
Neil Buchanan from Art Attack did it.
He's good, isn't he? Do you like it? Yeah.
It's nice, isn't it? We can't have it up in here.
Why? Cos people will come round.
Yeah, hopefully and they'll admire our love.
Look I'm getting it right in your vagina there.
Wow! Who would have thought we would live in a house with 13 windows round the front.
Are you excited? I can't believe it.
It's amazing.
Me phone's ringing.
It's Fearne.
Hi, Fearne.
Yeah, we're just doing an exterior shot of the house for the reality programme.
We're just round the corner from you now, so I'll be able to pop round.
Yeah, I can come round tomorrow! I'm not doing owt tomorrow, am I? Don't know.
Yeah, I'll come round for half 11 then.
Is it just me and you or is Olly gonna be there? OK, just me and you then.
All right, I'm gonna commence now with this exterior shot.
See you later.
Ta-ra.
Wow! It's amazing, isn't it? Action! This scene is a very romantic, seductive scene.
Hello, son! You get out of my (BLEEP) house! Come on then! You get out of my (BLEEP) house! Are you gonna watch this? No, no, no, no, no!