Les Norton (2019) s01e01 Episode Script
You Wouldn't Be Dead For Quids
1 NARRATOR: It was somewhere back in '85 when the Les Norton Show first came to town.
That's him on his first night.
16 stone of prime Queensland beef, squeezed into a monkey suit he borrowed from Billy Dunne.
He'd spotted the job advert the day he arrived in Sydney, and, after a quick meet and greet, he'd gotten a trial.
In fact, the big fella had been working at the Kelly Club for precisely 23 minutes, and while the first 22 had been pretty cruisy Whoa! it was the Cross and it was the '80s.
So (CHUCKLES) well, you know.
- You right, there? - What? That's welterweight pug Billy Dunne, owner of the aforementioned bag of fruit and Les's new partner.
Mate, you were very clear, no aggro unless you give me the green light.
That's true, but you could show a bit of initiative there, big fella.
You're not worried about your suit? Reckon we got bigger concerns there, bro? (GRUNTS) That was a bit cheeky, wasn't it? (GROANS) Now, Les wasn't what you'd call a scientific fighter.
For all he knew, the Marquess of Queensbury could have been a pub in Parramatta.
But with a head as hard as a cricket ball and the fists the size of Christmas hams, he went through the bikies like a 3-day-old vindaloo.
Come on, Les, you can do it, brother! (GRUNTS) That's him! Ha-ha! Argh! Hey, not the boss's Rolls, Les! Les! Les! (GROANS) (GROANS) About time you grab your boys, and you ride off into the sunset, eh, what do you reckon? I reckon you can go fuck yourself, ginger nuts.
Or do you prefer a tampon? - Tampon? - (GROANS) Never heard either, to tell the truth.
Ow! Both pretty funny, but.
- Ooh! - (SIREN CHIRPS) Shit (GROANS) Ray 'Thumper' Burrell was from the old school.
And as far as Ray was concerned, what couldn't be solved with a phone book and a size 12 steel cap didn't warrant solving.
What in Christ's name is going on here, eh? We were just minding our own business when they came at us like animals.
Jeez, they must have really gotten the jump on you to give you such a towelling, mate.
You better sort him out or I'll bring the rest of the club back and we'll do it ourselves.
You just let me do the sorting, alright? Now be a good lad, go and jump in the truck.
Now who the fuck are you? I'm Les Norton.
And you like hurting blokes, do you, Les Norton? It's members only and unfortunately, these blokes weren't members.
Rules are rules.
And you're the new enforcer, are ya? Well, I didn't throw the first punch, if that's what you're asking.
But I did throw the last.
Last few, come to think of it.
(WHISPERS) No.
Am I going to have trouble with you, Les Norton? Wouldn't have thought so, sir.
WOMAN: Come on, round the back.
Into the truck.
You I reckon you're slowing down.
Pretty soon I'll be able to flog your black shiny arse myself.
You know where to find me, you big, fat, pig bastard.
(BOTH LAUGH) Come on! Alright, top-top, Probationary Constable, get the rest of this shit off my street.
- Give her a hand, tough guy.
- Yeah, go on, Les.
- (MAN GROANS) - Toodle-ooh, big cop! - I'll grab his legs.
- Nup.
I'm right, I'm right.
Fucking hell, come on.
You sure? He's a big boy.
And I'm a big girl.
(GROANS) Ah, argh! (BIKIES LAUGH) Thought Queensland coppers were rough.
That was an accident, alright? Oh, yeah? Hate to see you hurt someone on purpose.
I'm alright, love, I'm alright.
(LAUGHTER) Don't worry, I won't tell if you don't.
I'm Les, by the way.
(CHUCKLES) Tempting, but I'll pass.
(VAN DOORS CLOSE) (ENGINE STARTS) WOMAN: You a bourbon or a scotch guy? Or is it strictly Bundy up your way? Nah, just a XXXX'll do, thanks.
(LAUGHS) Not much call for XXXX around these parts, brother.
They tell me it's the Rolls Royce of beers.
Guess I'm more of a ute guy.
- Ah.
- Suit yourself.
Country boy.
Should've guessed.
I'm Georgie.
NARRATOR: Georgie Burman was one of the few women to manage a club back then.
She ran the numbers like an SP bookie and there wasn't a zack whose whereabouts she didn't know intimately, all while looking like she just stepped off the set of Dynasty.
Impressive debut.
A little unconventional.
Oh, well, as my grandma used to say, "Can't eat a mango without getting a little juice on your chin.
" Sounds like a wise lady.
She teach you to fight like that, as well? Nah, nah, I put in a couple of years behind the bar at the hotel up in Dirranbandi.
Yeah, the nearest cops were a hundred clicks away, so I'd learn to shut things down pretty quickly, before they get out of hand.
That'll come in handy.
Things tend to get a bit rowdy around here.
(SCOFFS) Find that hard to believe.
What do you mean? Just have a look at the size of the place, it's tiny.
I mean, you'd have to go outside just to change your mind.
(CHATTER AND LAUGHTER) Welcome to Sydney's best-kept secret.
Jeez, I'm pretty sure these joints are illegal up in Queensland.
Pretty sure they're illegal down here too, Les.
The Police Commissioner was on the telly just the other night, complaining about the scourge of illegal gambling here in Sydney.
And he should know.
Hello, Commissioner.
Hello, Georgie.
You look lovely tonight.
Any night of the week you'll find the who's who of Sydney in here, enjoying a bit of fun away from the public glare.
That's why discretion's the name of the game.
We need to know we can trust our employees absolutely.
Well, I'm fair dinkum, if that's what you're asking.
It's not me you need to convince.
(DOOR OPENS) Les Norton, Price Galese.
NARRATOR: Every kingdom has a king, and in 1985, the Cross had Price Galese.
Norton, hey? So, how'd you like your first night at the Kelly Club? It was alright, I suppose, until those boofheads rocked up.
Thought I was going to spend my first night in Sydney in a lockup.
You needn't have worried there.
As you can see, I've got a very healthy relationship with the local constabulary.
Price owns the club, which makes him the unofficial boss of the Cross.
Oh, nonsense, Georgie.
You know, I'm a concerned citizen who likes to engage with me local community, that's all.
You know, as part of that, I I contribute to charities and welfare groups and so on and so forth.
Including the welfare of half the NSW police force.
What can I say? They're the best cops money can buy.
(CHUCKLES) Uh what brings you to Sydney? Oh play a bit of footy back home.
Bush league mainly, but standard's alright.
Coach reckoned I should come down to Sydney and give it a crack, see if anyone bites.
Mm.
What do you think of the Harbour City so far? Apart from the foreign beers and the backpackers with the cockroaches big enough to ride, it's alright, I suppose.
But be better with a job here.
I know.
Well, in that case, I think now's about the time to tell me if there's, um, anything in your past we should know about.
Like what? You tell me.
You ever been to prison? Nah.
Hmm.
How about extracurriculars? You fancy a little toot every now and again, do ya? Do you smoke a little Bob Hope? Don't mind a drink.
That's about it.
- Anything kinky? - Come again? I dunno.
You like to sniff underwear? You get off on someone weeing on you? Do you like to hurt animals? No.
But I might make an exception for you if you keep this up.
Mm.
Alright, well, in that case, I think I've only got one more question for you.
I'm Prince Charles, mate.
I'm all ears.
What size suit do you take? There you go! Les.
A girlfriend has a room for rent in Bondi.
It's not fancy but it'll beat a Kings Cross backpackers any day.
Yeah, righto.
Ta.
Can't remember.
I think Loz is okay with redheads.
Oh, well, she's only human.
Don't speak too soon.
You haven't met Lozza.
Straight home, thanks, driver.
Night, boys.
Get the door! Good to have you on board, Les.
Goodnight, Mr Galese.
Oh, come on, son, you're part of the team now.
Call me boss.
Night, boss.
Have a good night, boss! Ahh! Nightcap? Another time, maybe.
I think I've had enough fun for one night, eh? Suit yourself.
Hey, I'll drop you off, though.
Don't wanna get lost in the jungle on your first night.
You're not in Dangleberry anymore, Big Bird.
This is the Cross, brother! Everything's larger than life up here.
('BOYS IN TOWN' BY THE DIVINYLS PLAYS) I am through with hanging round All the boys in town Now I want a man around Get me out of here How are you, Tooby? (LAUGHS) - Les, 'Foghorn' McCormack.
- (LAUGHS) He's the hardest no, wait second-hardest bloke in the Cross, eh? It's Les's first night in the jungle.
Thought I'd show him the local wildlife.
Stay on your toes, Les, there's plenty of that out here tonight.
(LAUGHS) Have a good night, brother.
Come on, Les.
Evening.
- How are you, darling? - Sorry, darling, not tonight.
- Oh! - Hey! Sorry, miss.
Careful, darling! I love you! Mwah! Look at the size of her! Couple of words of advice, mate.
Firstly, she is a he.
And secondly, probably most important, it's probably best to give Georgie a wide berth, eh? What? Price has a very strict "don't shit where you eat" policy, and unfortunately it extends to Georgie as well.
Turn it up.
Well, this is me here.
Bloody hell! You weren't kidding, were ya? What? Hope you got your shots, big fella.
Wh It's not too bad inside.
- Yeah? - It's cheap, that's for sure.
Better you than me.
Anyways Ha! Ahh! Stay on your toes, Les.
- Hooroo.
- See you next week.
Shit.
Great.
- WOMAN: Oh, Les! - MAN: What the hell?! Turn it off! (BEDSPRINGS CREAK) (MAN MOANS) (WOMAN MOANS) (BEDSPRINGS CONTINUE CREAKING) (SIGHS HEAVILY) (MOANS) (CREAKING CONTINUES) (SIGHS HEAVILY) You're comin' with me.
(TYRES SQUEAL) Seatbelt, please.
So, do I know you? No, but I know you, don't I? Shit.
Shit! How'd they find me so quick? - How'd who find you so quick? - The Bender Boys.
Who the fuck are the Bender Boys? Sorry, who do you work for, again? Same bloke you do, you fucking muppet.
I'm Eddie Salita.
NARRATOR: Eddie was a Vietnam vet and Price's gun for hire.
There wasn't a real lot of him.
He looked like a standover man who'd been shrunk in the wash.
But as they say, it's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's whether he's carrying a .
38 Special and happy to use it, and believe me, Eddie was both.
Price reckons you showed a lot of dash last night.
Oh, well, you know, just happy to help out.
Good, 'cause he needs another favour.
Chuck that on.
Come on.
Chop chop! Okay.
What? Just keep up, dickhead.
(HINGES SQUEAK FAINTLY) (GASPS) Get them dressed.
Meet me downstairs.
Uh Righto, girls, grab some grab some kit on.
Kit on, yeah? Yeah? Ladies, ladies! Girls, the car's this way.
The car's this way.
Come on.
Girls! Girls! Girls! Come here.
Girls! Come here.
Come here.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Look, I know you want to be thorough but this is no time to bloody clock out.
No-one's clocking out, fuckhole! NARRATOR: This shrinking violet is Doreen Bognor, the woman who single-handedly put the 'damn' back in 'madame'.
Now turn around! Nice and slowly.
You sneaky little prick.
- C-calm down.
- Oh, don't you "calm down" me, you thieving sack of shit! Look, there's got to be a massive misunderstanding.
Bloody oath there has! For some reason, you think you can just waltz in here and pilfer what's not rightfully yours.
They're not yours either but, are they? Now be a good girl and put down the shotty, will ya? Move it.
Nice and steady.
(HUFFS) That's it.
That's the ticket.
(EMPTIES CARTRIDGE) Now just hand over the passports, and we'll be outta your hair.
I don't know what you're talking about.
(COCKS GUN) Let's try that again, shall we? Come on, let's go.
Telling ya, them three are top little earners.
I'll be very, very sorry to see them go.
Stiff shit.
Come on, girls, chop chop.
Let's go.
I'll be seeing you boys around.
Mark my fucking words.
Not if we see you first, darling.
(DOOR CLOSES) Lucky they're only little, huh? Mate, I've been in Sydney less than 24 hours, and I've already robbed my first brothel.
Don't be such a sook.
No, no, no, I'm serious.
How is that any of our business? These girls, they work for that lady.
Mate, that lady is Doreen Bognor, brothel queen of western Sydney, and those girls work for her like the diggers worked for the Burmese Railway corporation.
What the what are you talking about? They're sex slaves, you muppet.
Doreen teamed up with a syndicate out of Thailand to lure these girls to Sydney.
Now she throws them at dozens of blokes a day and she holds onto their passports, making sure they don't do the fucking runner.
Jesus.
- They're 16.
- Yeah.
Same age as Price's youngest daughter.
So when he found out, he politely suggested that Doreen send the girls back to Thailand.
And then she politely suggested that he stick it where the feathers are thinnest, so here we are.
Flight leaves for Bangkok at 4:30 this arvo.
Tickets are inside.
My number's on the back.
Now, these girls are a licence to print cash and Doreen Bognor's not the retiring type, mate, so keep on your toes till you get 'em on that plane.
Capiche? - Mm-hm? - Yeah, capiche.
Well, I don't give a rat's arse what you have to do.
You just let me know if any of those girls pop up on a flight to Bangkok.
MAN: I don't know, Doreen.
Flight manifests are pretty hard to get your hands on these days.
Ah, is that right? Just sayin'.
I might need a little incentive, you know? Yeah, yeah, an incentive.
Okay, no worries.
How about I don't come round there right now and rip your fucking arms off? Yeah, um I'm right on it.
Look, I get it: you don't speak Australian, I don't speak Asian.
And you probably think I'm some low pimp who's pinched you off the street to come work for me, but the truth is, you know, I'm not.
Yours is the first brothel I've ever been to, believe it or not.
And, no, before you start, I don't want to root any of you either, you know? It's not that you're not good sorts, you are, obviously, and that that goes without saying it's just that, you know, I don't I don't really pay for sex.
Not that there's anything wrong with that either, it's just, obviously, you're a bit on the the young side.
- (PEOPLE APPROACH, DOOR CLOSES) - (ALL GASP, SPEAK THAI) Just give us a minute, will youse? Time to get you snookered away, I reckon.
I gotta go to Melbourne, and I am a terrible flier.
It's the only thing that calms my nerves.
- (CLEARS THROAT) - You, uh you fly a lot, do you? (CHUCKLES) Much as I can.
So, is it just you, or are they part of the deal? Oh, no, they're just my, uh my cousins.
Oh, your cousins.
Right.
- Second cousins.
- Oh, righto.
Yeah, no, they're they're out here on holiday, and flying back to Bangkok this arvo.
Georgie mentioned you're from the bush? That's right.
Western Queensland.
(CLEARS THROAT) Shit, I went out with a Queenslander once.
- Yeah? - This I mean Genuinely could not spell his own name but, my God, he was dynamite in the sack.
I swear to you, after one weekend with him, I would be so bow legged, you could hang me over the back of that door for good luck! You could.
Swear to God.
(LAUGHS) Well, uh go, Maroons, eh? Giddy up.
So, um what brings you to Sydney, Leslie? Lester? Leslie? Leslie? - Just Les.
- Mm-hm.
Uh, figured I'd, uh, come down, get a run playing rugby league.
I mean, do you wanna pull the other one? 'Cause it plays Jingle Bells.
- What? - You're chasing crumpet, you sly dog! - (CAR HORN BEEPS OUTSIDE) - (SIGHS) Oh Oh, shit, that's me.
Okay.
So, uh, rent is Oh, 60 bucks a week, and, um, you can move in right away if you want.
Did did, uh, Georgie mention it's probably a short-term thing? Look, I'm not hanging around all that long in Sydney.
Just whatever you want.
You take it week by week if you like, sweetheart.
Deadset? No bond or nothing? Nah, if Georgie vouches for you, that's good enough for me.
I mean, she may be a buttoned-up little bookkeeper, but she will cut your balls off and feed 'em to her if you stuff me around.
Oh, you touch my stash, I'll do the same.
Lovely to meet you, ladies.
Happy travels.
OK, off we go.
She seems nice, eh? Uh, how about I, uh, throw the telly on? Don't suppose there's any, uh, Trekkies amongst you? Tell you what, I uh saw a Video Ezy round the corner.
Ah, what do youse like? Romance, comedy? I'll go have a look, eh? (CLEARS THROAT) NARRATOR: For a fella from the backblocks of Queensland, Les Norton found himself pretty keen to take a Captain Cook at Australia's most famous patch of sand.
- Look out.
- Gee! But with Eddie's warnings about the brothel madam banging round his brain Pull yourself together.
the big boy from Dirranbandi suddenly felt like he might be sticking out like dog's balls, and, let's face it, he probably was.
So he wisely turned and headed for home.
Just a bee's dick too late, but.
(ENGINE STARTS) Oi! Oi, where are you going?! Oi! Oi, what are you doing?! Open up! (TYRES SCREECH) Hey! Hey, Karate Kid, Karate Kid! I'm on your side! Shit! (DOG BARKS) Oh, here.
Stop, stop, stop, stop! Thank you.
Let me out here.
Shit.
NARRATOR: Now, having ripped off the fine folks at Classy AZ just a few hours earlier, Les needed to show his face there like Custer needed more Indians.
But he didn't have much choice.
Especially when Something I can help you with? Looking for some ladies, are ya? Ah, yeah, something like that.
You have come to the right place.
You're a bit early, but I guess you have first dibs.
- Wicked.
- Mm.
How much? How much for what? - For the girls? - Well, it depends on what you're after.
I'm sure you've thought about it.
Yeah, what about a hand job? A hand job? Yeah.
Yeah, like, a regular old up and down What, how does it go? You know, just like a like a hand job.
Ah, it's a tall bloke there.
Um, yeah, it's just ordering a hand job in a place full of working girls is like going to the fanciest restaurant in town and only ordering the garlic bread.
What what else is on the menu? Anything you want! One girl, two girls, all the girls! You want Asian, you want European, you want a combo sandwich of nationalities? Like, you tell me, honestly.
I mean, they do front door, back door, side door.
There's a side door? Mm-hm.
Um, penile colada, Kiama Blowhole, um, the platypus twist, Norway doorway.
I mean, you name it, they can do it.
What what's a Kiama Blowhole? Ah, well, do you have a face mask? These girls, yeah, they're well trained.
Oh, Montana's just clocked on.
Montana! Ooh, she's amazing.
Pelvic floor like a mini trampoline, honestly.
Bounce away, bubba.
But, yeah, she's just popped in her teeth, she's ready to go.
She can pop out her teeth, though, if that's what that's what you're into.
- Ha.
- Guys love it.
And, uh, look, I wasn't always in management, and I'm still pretty handy on the tools.
- That's good to know.
- Yeah.
I'll tell you what, the whole thing sounds bloody appealing to me, so what I'm going to do is I'm just gonna quickly run back to me car, grab my wallet and I'll come back in a jiffy.
- Yeah.
Okay.
- I'll see you soon, alright? Fuck! (ALL MUTTER) Oi! Shift over, will youse? Now, I don't know what the bloody hell was so important back there, but it better be bloody worth it.
- (GUNSHOT) - (SCREAMING) Shit! For God's sake, girls, I left Queensland so less people would try to kill me, not more.
The bloody hell was so important? Get inside.
Sit down.
Sit down, don't move.
Now, youse wanna go runnin' off again, be my guest, but this, this stays with me.
Don't move.
(RINGING TONE) Go for Eddie.
Yeah, g'day, Eddie.
It's Les.
- Everything alright? - Not really.
Uh, the girls tried to do a runner.
- They what? - Yeah.
No, no, it's all good.
Look, I I figured they'd head back the brothel, so I went back there and I got 'em.
What did they go back there for? Oh, I think they just left some stuff there.
What stuff? Oh, you know, just, uh, girls' stuff like make-up and whatnot.
Did Doreen see you leaving with the girls? Yeah, well, she tried to part my hair with a shotty, so, yeah, I guess she did.
Righto, I'll speak to Price, see what he wants to do next.
Just keep 'em under wraps, till you get 'em on the plane.
(CALL DISCONNECTS) Oh! Oh! See, the shit thing about having a mobile phone is that people can contact you wherever you are.
Invasion of fucking privacy, if you ask me.
I mean, it's convenient, sure, but I can't see it catching on.
What do you reckon? - He reckons - (COUGHS) that he and his deadshit mates are never gonna set foot in the Cross again.
Oh! Am I right or am I right? Oh! Sorry I yelled at youse before.
(GIRLS GIGGLE) I'm hardly going to keep it, am I? Just a bit under the pump right now, you know, that's all.
You know, to tell you the truth, there's these blokes back home, the Bender Boys, bunch of brothers from Brewarrina, you know? - Inbred fuckwits.
- (WOMEN GIGGLE) Anyway, got myself into a bit of strife and the next thing you know Well, you can paint the picture, can't you? Anyway, between them and the bloody madam giving us both barrels, I've just been a little bit freaked out, is all.
But don't worry, you know, Eddie's going to come and he's going to sort it all out, we just got to sit tight for a couple of hours, and, next thing you know, you know, youse will be on a bloody flight back home to Bangkok.
Wouldn't mind going home myself, to tell you the truth.
(GIGGLES) Un-fucking-believable.
(HUFFS) (OTHERS GIGGLE) (WOMEN GIGGLE) (PHONE RINGS) (PHONE RINGS) Doreen, get ready to be happy.
(LAUGHS) I got it.
WOMAN: (OVER PA) to Bangkok now boarding at Gate 7.
I'd love to say it's been a pleasure, but definitely been one for the memoir.
Now, you just head straight through that door there, next stop Bangkok, okay? Go on, get outta here.
Good luck to youse.
Go.
Les thanks for everything, hey? Aren't you full of surprises? And don't worry about those Bender wankers.
It will sort itself out.
MAN: Doreen! This way.
Come through here.
Bit of a short cut.
Just around to the right here.
All the way to the end.
Left, and it'll take you straight through to Customs.
- I thought this was a short cut! - No, it is, it is.
(SHOTGUN COCKS) Oh, nah, nah, nah, you you earned that fair and square.
- You take that.
- So did you.
We'd still be locked up at Doreen's if it weren't for you! If you are ever in Bangkok, look us up! Righto.
You redheaded sack of shit! Christ, what are you doin'? Checking up on me? Nah, me mum just got back from Bali this morning and I'm just picking up her bags, like the good son I am.
Hm.
Girls get off okay? Yeah, yeah, no worries, you just missed 'em.
Yeah, I bet they're glad to be headed home, I bet.
Oh, yeah, they're off their heads.
Yeah, good stuff.
Hey, why don't you come out tonight and I'll shout you a couple of sherbets just for looking after 'em? Oh, nah, nah, nah, you don't have to do that.
Bullshit! It's the least I can do.
Alright? Alright.
Some chewy? Yeah.
See you tonight.
How can you see looking through those tears? Don't you know you're worth your weight in gold? I can't believe that you're alone in here Let me warm your hands against the cold A close encounter with a hardhearted man Who never gave half of what he got Couple of lobsters oughta do it.
Don't get carried away, eh, big fella? You beside the dance floor What do you cry for, let's live it up Let's live it up Live it up Oh, leave it up NARRATOR: So, after a rocky debut in Sydney, Les found himself happier than a butcher's dog.
The girls were on their way back to Bangkok, he was a lazy grand up, and now he was off to throw a few pigs' ears down his motorboat.
All in all, not bad for a day's work.
You wouldn't be dead for quids.
Oi! What, you're moonlighting for the KGB, I see? Don't think I haven't thought about it.
Mate, hold on, I thought we were supposed to be having a drink? Yeah, we are, soon as we knock this off.
Let me guess, another favour for Price? Nothing much gets past you, does it, mate, eh? So, Price is a big handball for me, right? Has been for years.
So much so that he pledged to build a nice new handball court for all the locals.
Mate, I don't see what this has to do with us having a drink.
Well, turns out the foreman's a bit of goose, and he's been riding the crew.
So the concreters, this arvo, walked off the job without filling the final footing.
So? So, the slab gets poured tomorrow, but that can't happen unless all the footings are done, obviously.
Oh, come on, Eddie! That thing's got to be at least 20 feet deep in there.
It'll take all night to fill up.
Heads up! The sooner you get crackin', the sooner you can have that beer.
You know what? You could have bloody warned me.
I wouldn't have worn my best shirt.
Oi! Mate, you sure got the foreman thing down pat, don't ya? Mate, as far as I'm concerned, manual labour's a Spanish goalkeeper.
(CACKLES) Here.
Very nice.
Price will be stoked.
Mate, he'd wanna be, he hired a doorman, he got himself a labourer and a minder thrown in.
Nah, don't worry, mate, he's got a long memory.
And you're in his good books for taking good care of those girls.
Yeah, well, let's just hope that's the last we see of 'em, eh? Why wouldn't it be? Well, you said it yourself, they're tidy earners.
Oh, come on, you're telling me you're not worried about blowback from Doreen? Nah, nah, don't worry, Doreen's under control.
She didn't look under control when she blew out my back window with a bloody shotgun.
She's sorted, mate, trust me.
We had a good chat and she's, uh rock-solid now.
Yeah? Mm.
Come on, finish one of those off and I'll give you a lift home in the Corniche, hmm? See how the other half live.
Huh.
What? What have you lost? Me keys.
You're takin' the piss.
Fuck.
Walking in a strange light, looking at the walls The walls are getting higher and I think they're gonna fall They're gonna fall down over me Crush me till I scream Now I'm only hoping that I'm living in a dream Hm.
(LES CLEARS THROAT) Evening, Georgie.
Les, I almost didn't recognise you.
Very flash.
Looks pretty good, huh? Price got it for me.
Well, it seems like you made quite the first impression.
How'd you get on with Lozza? Yeah, good, moved in a couple of days ago.
Oh, terrific! I thought she might have scared you off.
Nah! She reminds me of every bloke I've ever played football with.
Ha! Yeah, Lozza's in advertising.
Speaking of which, Lozza doesn't know much about what goes on up here.
A little bit of discretion goes a long way.
What's the matter? Don't think I can keep a secret? I guess we'll find out.
(DOOR OPENS) G'day, Georgie.
- Hello.
- Len.
Price around? Ah, yeah, he's out the back.
I'll take you guys through.
Cheers.
- Come on upstairs.
- Thank you.
(DOOR CLOSES) And it's like she just vanished into thin air.
Yeah, I'm I'm still not sure why I'm supposed to be concerned here.
- This - Doreen Bognor.
She's the brothel queen of the western suburbs, alright? She's got a string of knock shops from Bass Hill to Box Hill to Rooty Hill.
Oh, Rooty Hil, bet that's headquarters.
I'm serious here, Price.
People are asking questions.
Oh, look, I'm sure she'll turn up, Ray.
Probably just sick or something.
- Bloody awful stomach bug going around.
- Mm.
No, no, I went down and had a look for myself.
Fuck! Look, I just thought that you lot might have, you know, heard something.
No, not a peep, I'm afraid.
Hey, Georgie, have you have you heard of her? No, I don't think so.
I'll keep an ear out, though.
- Go and check on the van, will ya? - Oh, come on, Sergeant.
Probationary Constable! I'll show you out.
Come with me.
Hey, we've got Cryback's Revenge in the seventh.
Yeah, I was gonna go six on High Cost.
No.
Yeah, well, Todd's on her.
So, Constable, how long have you been stationed here for? Five weeks now.
Oh, fresh off the boat! Cross can be a bit of an eye-opener at first, am I right? Oh, I knew what I was getting myself into when I requested the posting.
Fair enough.
How are you getting on with Ray? Oh, uh, you know, it's a privilege to work with someone of his experience.
I've got a boss too, remember? I get it.
So, if you need anything or want to chat, or whatever, you know where to find me.
It's not the easiest neighbourhood to navigate in heels.
I'll keep that in mind.
Evening, guys.
Come in.
If it isn't the rampaging rookie.
Easy, slugger.
Didn't bring me mouthguard.
So, how is it up there, then? How would I know? I'm down here looking after the van, aren't I? That is true, I didn't think of that.
I didn't get your name the other night, by the way.
It's because I didn't give it.
Still, feel safe with you down here on the street level.
I saw the way you dealt with those bikies.
This Doreen Bognor has got a rap sheet longer than the straight at Randwick, and I'm just a wee bit concerned that she might have been offed.
Look, it's not going to go unnoticed that she's gone missing within two weeks of her setting up shop inside your patch, Price! It's a free country, Ray.
What's the name of this brothel, again? Classy AZ.
Oh, well, there you go, reason enough to knock her right there.
(LAUGHS) Classy AZ, in Surry Hills, yeah? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, rings a bell.
Apparently they're dealing in young Thai girls, does that sound right, Ray? Very young Thai girls.
Yeah, well, it's a brothel, so anything's possible.
Well, she sounds like an A-grade grub.
I have to say, as a father of two teenage daughters, that's even more reason to hope that she's gone to the big bloody massage parlour in the sky.
Don't you think, Ray? How am I supposed to learn anything down here when all the real police work's going on in your boss's office? I mean, if she was really that important, you'd think they'll want all hands on deck, right? Who's that? That brothel madam they're looking for.
Doreen something-or-other.
Do you know who they're talking about? No.
Disappeared off the face of the earth, apparently.
If you ask me, she's probably hiding somewhere up the coast, sipping cocktails, as we speak.
NARRATOR: Given that Doreen had only recently tried to hollow out his skull and was now MIA, Les had a sinking feeling about where she might be 'hiding'.
He was also pretty sure that 20 feet of concrete was going to make sipping anything a bit tough.
- Do youse have any leads yet? - Nah.
When I manage to track her down myself, they'll have no choice but to bring me into the fold, right? Let's go, Constable.
Anyway, it was nice chatting with you, Les.
I'm Emily, by the way.
Nice to meet ya.
Guess I'll see you around, yeah? I reckon you will.
(ENGINE STARTS) How's the fit? Oh, like a glove, boss.
Yeah, of course it should! Had me bloke in Double Bay knock it up himself.
- You didn't have to do that.
- No, nonsense, nonsense.
It's the least we could do.
That lady copper just mentioned that a brothel madam's missing? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, she she hasn't been seen for a few days, apparently.
Yeah, right.
Something you want to ask me, son? No, it's just, you know, we pinch her girls and send them home.
She takes a pot shot at me and then suddenly she's missing.
You believe in karma, Les? Um, maybe.
Yeah, I certainly do, you know.
In my experience, karma's got everyone's address.
How do you figure that? You take those young Thai girls, for instance.
You know, they were just kids, weren't they? You know, they should have been finishing off high school, not fat Australian men.
But thanks to you, they're back home and they're safe.
And, you know, that Doreen, she's no longer hawkin' and forkin'.
Now, that's a bloody good result.
That's a bloody good result, karmically speaking, don't you think? - I suppose you're right.
- Yeah, of course I am.
It's all because of you.
No-one's going to forget that in a hurry.
Welcome to the family, Les.
(COINS CLATTER) (RINGING TONE) (RINGING TONE) - MAN: Dirranbandi Hotel.
- G'day, Terry.
Les here.
Oh, hello, Les.
How are ya? Yeah, I'm alright, mate.
Ah, I was just wondering, is Muzza around? Yeah, mate, he's just here.
I'll get him.
Yeah, alright, ta.
Hey, Muzz! It's your brother.
- G'day, little brother.
- Muzza, old son.
I haven't caught you at a bad time, have I? - Nah, mate, I'm just at work.
- What? Fight night.
Every shearer within a hundred miles is in town, gunning for a shot at the title.
What about your arm? Oh, they're just pitching that as a handicap.
Which it technically is.
Mate, most of the challengers here couldn't knock the froth off a beer.
Don't know how much shearing they'll get done tomorrow.
Yeah, look, I won't hold you up, then.
Look, I just wanted to know how Bevan Bender's doing? I'm pretty keen to come home, if you know what I mean.
(LAUGHS) Come home? What, you're kidding, aren't you? Haven't you heard? Heard what? Mate, Bevan Bender's fucked.
- He's what? - He's proper fucked.
Look, I spoke to the doc this morning, they're not even sure he's going to pull through.
(SIGHS) So, I hope you packed some spare undies, mate, 'cause you're not going anywhere.
(COIN CLATTERS) Mate, you'll be right.
Just keep your head down.
Alright, I gotta run.
I'll see ya.
Yeah, righto.
NARRATOR: Ever heard the expression "trouble in paradise"? Sorry, boss, we lost the keys of your car in the footing of your handball court right next to you-know-who.
Hey, hey, I didn't know about you-know-who, remember? You're sure there's nothing you're not telling me? - No! - Does your boss know you're here? He spends half his life in here, doesn't he? This whole strip is a jungle.
And like any jungle, the animals need to know who's top of the food chain.
Don't look at me.
The less I know, the better.
Well, the good news is no-one's killed Price yet.
Oh, well, not for want of trying, mind you.
You're a sitting duck.
I'm the bait, darling.
You know, you can't swallow me if you can't see me.
Oh, shit! Watch the dip! (GUNSHOT)
That's him on his first night.
16 stone of prime Queensland beef, squeezed into a monkey suit he borrowed from Billy Dunne.
He'd spotted the job advert the day he arrived in Sydney, and, after a quick meet and greet, he'd gotten a trial.
In fact, the big fella had been working at the Kelly Club for precisely 23 minutes, and while the first 22 had been pretty cruisy Whoa! it was the Cross and it was the '80s.
So (CHUCKLES) well, you know.
- You right, there? - What? That's welterweight pug Billy Dunne, owner of the aforementioned bag of fruit and Les's new partner.
Mate, you were very clear, no aggro unless you give me the green light.
That's true, but you could show a bit of initiative there, big fella.
You're not worried about your suit? Reckon we got bigger concerns there, bro? (GRUNTS) That was a bit cheeky, wasn't it? (GROANS) Now, Les wasn't what you'd call a scientific fighter.
For all he knew, the Marquess of Queensbury could have been a pub in Parramatta.
But with a head as hard as a cricket ball and the fists the size of Christmas hams, he went through the bikies like a 3-day-old vindaloo.
Come on, Les, you can do it, brother! (GRUNTS) That's him! Ha-ha! Argh! Hey, not the boss's Rolls, Les! Les! Les! (GROANS) (GROANS) About time you grab your boys, and you ride off into the sunset, eh, what do you reckon? I reckon you can go fuck yourself, ginger nuts.
Or do you prefer a tampon? - Tampon? - (GROANS) Never heard either, to tell the truth.
Ow! Both pretty funny, but.
- Ooh! - (SIREN CHIRPS) Shit (GROANS) Ray 'Thumper' Burrell was from the old school.
And as far as Ray was concerned, what couldn't be solved with a phone book and a size 12 steel cap didn't warrant solving.
What in Christ's name is going on here, eh? We were just minding our own business when they came at us like animals.
Jeez, they must have really gotten the jump on you to give you such a towelling, mate.
You better sort him out or I'll bring the rest of the club back and we'll do it ourselves.
You just let me do the sorting, alright? Now be a good lad, go and jump in the truck.
Now who the fuck are you? I'm Les Norton.
And you like hurting blokes, do you, Les Norton? It's members only and unfortunately, these blokes weren't members.
Rules are rules.
And you're the new enforcer, are ya? Well, I didn't throw the first punch, if that's what you're asking.
But I did throw the last.
Last few, come to think of it.
(WHISPERS) No.
Am I going to have trouble with you, Les Norton? Wouldn't have thought so, sir.
WOMAN: Come on, round the back.
Into the truck.
You I reckon you're slowing down.
Pretty soon I'll be able to flog your black shiny arse myself.
You know where to find me, you big, fat, pig bastard.
(BOTH LAUGH) Come on! Alright, top-top, Probationary Constable, get the rest of this shit off my street.
- Give her a hand, tough guy.
- Yeah, go on, Les.
- (MAN GROANS) - Toodle-ooh, big cop! - I'll grab his legs.
- Nup.
I'm right, I'm right.
Fucking hell, come on.
You sure? He's a big boy.
And I'm a big girl.
(GROANS) Ah, argh! (BIKIES LAUGH) Thought Queensland coppers were rough.
That was an accident, alright? Oh, yeah? Hate to see you hurt someone on purpose.
I'm alright, love, I'm alright.
(LAUGHTER) Don't worry, I won't tell if you don't.
I'm Les, by the way.
(CHUCKLES) Tempting, but I'll pass.
(VAN DOORS CLOSE) (ENGINE STARTS) WOMAN: You a bourbon or a scotch guy? Or is it strictly Bundy up your way? Nah, just a XXXX'll do, thanks.
(LAUGHS) Not much call for XXXX around these parts, brother.
They tell me it's the Rolls Royce of beers.
Guess I'm more of a ute guy.
- Ah.
- Suit yourself.
Country boy.
Should've guessed.
I'm Georgie.
NARRATOR: Georgie Burman was one of the few women to manage a club back then.
She ran the numbers like an SP bookie and there wasn't a zack whose whereabouts she didn't know intimately, all while looking like she just stepped off the set of Dynasty.
Impressive debut.
A little unconventional.
Oh, well, as my grandma used to say, "Can't eat a mango without getting a little juice on your chin.
" Sounds like a wise lady.
She teach you to fight like that, as well? Nah, nah, I put in a couple of years behind the bar at the hotel up in Dirranbandi.
Yeah, the nearest cops were a hundred clicks away, so I'd learn to shut things down pretty quickly, before they get out of hand.
That'll come in handy.
Things tend to get a bit rowdy around here.
(SCOFFS) Find that hard to believe.
What do you mean? Just have a look at the size of the place, it's tiny.
I mean, you'd have to go outside just to change your mind.
(CHATTER AND LAUGHTER) Welcome to Sydney's best-kept secret.
Jeez, I'm pretty sure these joints are illegal up in Queensland.
Pretty sure they're illegal down here too, Les.
The Police Commissioner was on the telly just the other night, complaining about the scourge of illegal gambling here in Sydney.
And he should know.
Hello, Commissioner.
Hello, Georgie.
You look lovely tonight.
Any night of the week you'll find the who's who of Sydney in here, enjoying a bit of fun away from the public glare.
That's why discretion's the name of the game.
We need to know we can trust our employees absolutely.
Well, I'm fair dinkum, if that's what you're asking.
It's not me you need to convince.
(DOOR OPENS) Les Norton, Price Galese.
NARRATOR: Every kingdom has a king, and in 1985, the Cross had Price Galese.
Norton, hey? So, how'd you like your first night at the Kelly Club? It was alright, I suppose, until those boofheads rocked up.
Thought I was going to spend my first night in Sydney in a lockup.
You needn't have worried there.
As you can see, I've got a very healthy relationship with the local constabulary.
Price owns the club, which makes him the unofficial boss of the Cross.
Oh, nonsense, Georgie.
You know, I'm a concerned citizen who likes to engage with me local community, that's all.
You know, as part of that, I I contribute to charities and welfare groups and so on and so forth.
Including the welfare of half the NSW police force.
What can I say? They're the best cops money can buy.
(CHUCKLES) Uh what brings you to Sydney? Oh play a bit of footy back home.
Bush league mainly, but standard's alright.
Coach reckoned I should come down to Sydney and give it a crack, see if anyone bites.
Mm.
What do you think of the Harbour City so far? Apart from the foreign beers and the backpackers with the cockroaches big enough to ride, it's alright, I suppose.
But be better with a job here.
I know.
Well, in that case, I think now's about the time to tell me if there's, um, anything in your past we should know about.
Like what? You tell me.
You ever been to prison? Nah.
Hmm.
How about extracurriculars? You fancy a little toot every now and again, do ya? Do you smoke a little Bob Hope? Don't mind a drink.
That's about it.
- Anything kinky? - Come again? I dunno.
You like to sniff underwear? You get off on someone weeing on you? Do you like to hurt animals? No.
But I might make an exception for you if you keep this up.
Mm.
Alright, well, in that case, I think I've only got one more question for you.
I'm Prince Charles, mate.
I'm all ears.
What size suit do you take? There you go! Les.
A girlfriend has a room for rent in Bondi.
It's not fancy but it'll beat a Kings Cross backpackers any day.
Yeah, righto.
Ta.
Can't remember.
I think Loz is okay with redheads.
Oh, well, she's only human.
Don't speak too soon.
You haven't met Lozza.
Straight home, thanks, driver.
Night, boys.
Get the door! Good to have you on board, Les.
Goodnight, Mr Galese.
Oh, come on, son, you're part of the team now.
Call me boss.
Night, boss.
Have a good night, boss! Ahh! Nightcap? Another time, maybe.
I think I've had enough fun for one night, eh? Suit yourself.
Hey, I'll drop you off, though.
Don't wanna get lost in the jungle on your first night.
You're not in Dangleberry anymore, Big Bird.
This is the Cross, brother! Everything's larger than life up here.
('BOYS IN TOWN' BY THE DIVINYLS PLAYS) I am through with hanging round All the boys in town Now I want a man around Get me out of here How are you, Tooby? (LAUGHS) - Les, 'Foghorn' McCormack.
- (LAUGHS) He's the hardest no, wait second-hardest bloke in the Cross, eh? It's Les's first night in the jungle.
Thought I'd show him the local wildlife.
Stay on your toes, Les, there's plenty of that out here tonight.
(LAUGHS) Have a good night, brother.
Come on, Les.
Evening.
- How are you, darling? - Sorry, darling, not tonight.
- Oh! - Hey! Sorry, miss.
Careful, darling! I love you! Mwah! Look at the size of her! Couple of words of advice, mate.
Firstly, she is a he.
And secondly, probably most important, it's probably best to give Georgie a wide berth, eh? What? Price has a very strict "don't shit where you eat" policy, and unfortunately it extends to Georgie as well.
Turn it up.
Well, this is me here.
Bloody hell! You weren't kidding, were ya? What? Hope you got your shots, big fella.
Wh It's not too bad inside.
- Yeah? - It's cheap, that's for sure.
Better you than me.
Anyways Ha! Ahh! Stay on your toes, Les.
- Hooroo.
- See you next week.
Shit.
Great.
- WOMAN: Oh, Les! - MAN: What the hell?! Turn it off! (BEDSPRINGS CREAK) (MAN MOANS) (WOMAN MOANS) (BEDSPRINGS CONTINUE CREAKING) (SIGHS HEAVILY) (MOANS) (CREAKING CONTINUES) (SIGHS HEAVILY) You're comin' with me.
(TYRES SQUEAL) Seatbelt, please.
So, do I know you? No, but I know you, don't I? Shit.
Shit! How'd they find me so quick? - How'd who find you so quick? - The Bender Boys.
Who the fuck are the Bender Boys? Sorry, who do you work for, again? Same bloke you do, you fucking muppet.
I'm Eddie Salita.
NARRATOR: Eddie was a Vietnam vet and Price's gun for hire.
There wasn't a real lot of him.
He looked like a standover man who'd been shrunk in the wash.
But as they say, it's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's whether he's carrying a .
38 Special and happy to use it, and believe me, Eddie was both.
Price reckons you showed a lot of dash last night.
Oh, well, you know, just happy to help out.
Good, 'cause he needs another favour.
Chuck that on.
Come on.
Chop chop! Okay.
What? Just keep up, dickhead.
(HINGES SQUEAK FAINTLY) (GASPS) Get them dressed.
Meet me downstairs.
Uh Righto, girls, grab some grab some kit on.
Kit on, yeah? Yeah? Ladies, ladies! Girls, the car's this way.
The car's this way.
Come on.
Girls! Girls! Girls! Come here.
Girls! Come here.
Come here.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Look, I know you want to be thorough but this is no time to bloody clock out.
No-one's clocking out, fuckhole! NARRATOR: This shrinking violet is Doreen Bognor, the woman who single-handedly put the 'damn' back in 'madame'.
Now turn around! Nice and slowly.
You sneaky little prick.
- C-calm down.
- Oh, don't you "calm down" me, you thieving sack of shit! Look, there's got to be a massive misunderstanding.
Bloody oath there has! For some reason, you think you can just waltz in here and pilfer what's not rightfully yours.
They're not yours either but, are they? Now be a good girl and put down the shotty, will ya? Move it.
Nice and steady.
(HUFFS) That's it.
That's the ticket.
(EMPTIES CARTRIDGE) Now just hand over the passports, and we'll be outta your hair.
I don't know what you're talking about.
(COCKS GUN) Let's try that again, shall we? Come on, let's go.
Telling ya, them three are top little earners.
I'll be very, very sorry to see them go.
Stiff shit.
Come on, girls, chop chop.
Let's go.
I'll be seeing you boys around.
Mark my fucking words.
Not if we see you first, darling.
(DOOR CLOSES) Lucky they're only little, huh? Mate, I've been in Sydney less than 24 hours, and I've already robbed my first brothel.
Don't be such a sook.
No, no, no, I'm serious.
How is that any of our business? These girls, they work for that lady.
Mate, that lady is Doreen Bognor, brothel queen of western Sydney, and those girls work for her like the diggers worked for the Burmese Railway corporation.
What the what are you talking about? They're sex slaves, you muppet.
Doreen teamed up with a syndicate out of Thailand to lure these girls to Sydney.
Now she throws them at dozens of blokes a day and she holds onto their passports, making sure they don't do the fucking runner.
Jesus.
- They're 16.
- Yeah.
Same age as Price's youngest daughter.
So when he found out, he politely suggested that Doreen send the girls back to Thailand.
And then she politely suggested that he stick it where the feathers are thinnest, so here we are.
Flight leaves for Bangkok at 4:30 this arvo.
Tickets are inside.
My number's on the back.
Now, these girls are a licence to print cash and Doreen Bognor's not the retiring type, mate, so keep on your toes till you get 'em on that plane.
Capiche? - Mm-hm? - Yeah, capiche.
Well, I don't give a rat's arse what you have to do.
You just let me know if any of those girls pop up on a flight to Bangkok.
MAN: I don't know, Doreen.
Flight manifests are pretty hard to get your hands on these days.
Ah, is that right? Just sayin'.
I might need a little incentive, you know? Yeah, yeah, an incentive.
Okay, no worries.
How about I don't come round there right now and rip your fucking arms off? Yeah, um I'm right on it.
Look, I get it: you don't speak Australian, I don't speak Asian.
And you probably think I'm some low pimp who's pinched you off the street to come work for me, but the truth is, you know, I'm not.
Yours is the first brothel I've ever been to, believe it or not.
And, no, before you start, I don't want to root any of you either, you know? It's not that you're not good sorts, you are, obviously, and that that goes without saying it's just that, you know, I don't I don't really pay for sex.
Not that there's anything wrong with that either, it's just, obviously, you're a bit on the the young side.
- (PEOPLE APPROACH, DOOR CLOSES) - (ALL GASP, SPEAK THAI) Just give us a minute, will youse? Time to get you snookered away, I reckon.
I gotta go to Melbourne, and I am a terrible flier.
It's the only thing that calms my nerves.
- (CLEARS THROAT) - You, uh you fly a lot, do you? (CHUCKLES) Much as I can.
So, is it just you, or are they part of the deal? Oh, no, they're just my, uh my cousins.
Oh, your cousins.
Right.
- Second cousins.
- Oh, righto.
Yeah, no, they're they're out here on holiday, and flying back to Bangkok this arvo.
Georgie mentioned you're from the bush? That's right.
Western Queensland.
(CLEARS THROAT) Shit, I went out with a Queenslander once.
- Yeah? - This I mean Genuinely could not spell his own name but, my God, he was dynamite in the sack.
I swear to you, after one weekend with him, I would be so bow legged, you could hang me over the back of that door for good luck! You could.
Swear to God.
(LAUGHS) Well, uh go, Maroons, eh? Giddy up.
So, um what brings you to Sydney, Leslie? Lester? Leslie? Leslie? - Just Les.
- Mm-hm.
Uh, figured I'd, uh, come down, get a run playing rugby league.
I mean, do you wanna pull the other one? 'Cause it plays Jingle Bells.
- What? - You're chasing crumpet, you sly dog! - (CAR HORN BEEPS OUTSIDE) - (SIGHS) Oh Oh, shit, that's me.
Okay.
So, uh, rent is Oh, 60 bucks a week, and, um, you can move in right away if you want.
Did did, uh, Georgie mention it's probably a short-term thing? Look, I'm not hanging around all that long in Sydney.
Just whatever you want.
You take it week by week if you like, sweetheart.
Deadset? No bond or nothing? Nah, if Georgie vouches for you, that's good enough for me.
I mean, she may be a buttoned-up little bookkeeper, but she will cut your balls off and feed 'em to her if you stuff me around.
Oh, you touch my stash, I'll do the same.
Lovely to meet you, ladies.
Happy travels.
OK, off we go.
She seems nice, eh? Uh, how about I, uh, throw the telly on? Don't suppose there's any, uh, Trekkies amongst you? Tell you what, I uh saw a Video Ezy round the corner.
Ah, what do youse like? Romance, comedy? I'll go have a look, eh? (CLEARS THROAT) NARRATOR: For a fella from the backblocks of Queensland, Les Norton found himself pretty keen to take a Captain Cook at Australia's most famous patch of sand.
- Look out.
- Gee! But with Eddie's warnings about the brothel madam banging round his brain Pull yourself together.
the big boy from Dirranbandi suddenly felt like he might be sticking out like dog's balls, and, let's face it, he probably was.
So he wisely turned and headed for home.
Just a bee's dick too late, but.
(ENGINE STARTS) Oi! Oi, where are you going?! Oi! Oi, what are you doing?! Open up! (TYRES SCREECH) Hey! Hey, Karate Kid, Karate Kid! I'm on your side! Shit! (DOG BARKS) Oh, here.
Stop, stop, stop, stop! Thank you.
Let me out here.
Shit.
NARRATOR: Now, having ripped off the fine folks at Classy AZ just a few hours earlier, Les needed to show his face there like Custer needed more Indians.
But he didn't have much choice.
Especially when Something I can help you with? Looking for some ladies, are ya? Ah, yeah, something like that.
You have come to the right place.
You're a bit early, but I guess you have first dibs.
- Wicked.
- Mm.
How much? How much for what? - For the girls? - Well, it depends on what you're after.
I'm sure you've thought about it.
Yeah, what about a hand job? A hand job? Yeah.
Yeah, like, a regular old up and down What, how does it go? You know, just like a like a hand job.
Ah, it's a tall bloke there.
Um, yeah, it's just ordering a hand job in a place full of working girls is like going to the fanciest restaurant in town and only ordering the garlic bread.
What what else is on the menu? Anything you want! One girl, two girls, all the girls! You want Asian, you want European, you want a combo sandwich of nationalities? Like, you tell me, honestly.
I mean, they do front door, back door, side door.
There's a side door? Mm-hm.
Um, penile colada, Kiama Blowhole, um, the platypus twist, Norway doorway.
I mean, you name it, they can do it.
What what's a Kiama Blowhole? Ah, well, do you have a face mask? These girls, yeah, they're well trained.
Oh, Montana's just clocked on.
Montana! Ooh, she's amazing.
Pelvic floor like a mini trampoline, honestly.
Bounce away, bubba.
But, yeah, she's just popped in her teeth, she's ready to go.
She can pop out her teeth, though, if that's what that's what you're into.
- Ha.
- Guys love it.
And, uh, look, I wasn't always in management, and I'm still pretty handy on the tools.
- That's good to know.
- Yeah.
I'll tell you what, the whole thing sounds bloody appealing to me, so what I'm going to do is I'm just gonna quickly run back to me car, grab my wallet and I'll come back in a jiffy.
- Yeah.
Okay.
- I'll see you soon, alright? Fuck! (ALL MUTTER) Oi! Shift over, will youse? Now, I don't know what the bloody hell was so important back there, but it better be bloody worth it.
- (GUNSHOT) - (SCREAMING) Shit! For God's sake, girls, I left Queensland so less people would try to kill me, not more.
The bloody hell was so important? Get inside.
Sit down.
Sit down, don't move.
Now, youse wanna go runnin' off again, be my guest, but this, this stays with me.
Don't move.
(RINGING TONE) Go for Eddie.
Yeah, g'day, Eddie.
It's Les.
- Everything alright? - Not really.
Uh, the girls tried to do a runner.
- They what? - Yeah.
No, no, it's all good.
Look, I I figured they'd head back the brothel, so I went back there and I got 'em.
What did they go back there for? Oh, I think they just left some stuff there.
What stuff? Oh, you know, just, uh, girls' stuff like make-up and whatnot.
Did Doreen see you leaving with the girls? Yeah, well, she tried to part my hair with a shotty, so, yeah, I guess she did.
Righto, I'll speak to Price, see what he wants to do next.
Just keep 'em under wraps, till you get 'em on the plane.
(CALL DISCONNECTS) Oh! Oh! See, the shit thing about having a mobile phone is that people can contact you wherever you are.
Invasion of fucking privacy, if you ask me.
I mean, it's convenient, sure, but I can't see it catching on.
What do you reckon? - He reckons - (COUGHS) that he and his deadshit mates are never gonna set foot in the Cross again.
Oh! Am I right or am I right? Oh! Sorry I yelled at youse before.
(GIRLS GIGGLE) I'm hardly going to keep it, am I? Just a bit under the pump right now, you know, that's all.
You know, to tell you the truth, there's these blokes back home, the Bender Boys, bunch of brothers from Brewarrina, you know? - Inbred fuckwits.
- (WOMEN GIGGLE) Anyway, got myself into a bit of strife and the next thing you know Well, you can paint the picture, can't you? Anyway, between them and the bloody madam giving us both barrels, I've just been a little bit freaked out, is all.
But don't worry, you know, Eddie's going to come and he's going to sort it all out, we just got to sit tight for a couple of hours, and, next thing you know, you know, youse will be on a bloody flight back home to Bangkok.
Wouldn't mind going home myself, to tell you the truth.
(GIGGLES) Un-fucking-believable.
(HUFFS) (OTHERS GIGGLE) (WOMEN GIGGLE) (PHONE RINGS) (PHONE RINGS) Doreen, get ready to be happy.
(LAUGHS) I got it.
WOMAN: (OVER PA) to Bangkok now boarding at Gate 7.
I'd love to say it's been a pleasure, but definitely been one for the memoir.
Now, you just head straight through that door there, next stop Bangkok, okay? Go on, get outta here.
Good luck to youse.
Go.
Les thanks for everything, hey? Aren't you full of surprises? And don't worry about those Bender wankers.
It will sort itself out.
MAN: Doreen! This way.
Come through here.
Bit of a short cut.
Just around to the right here.
All the way to the end.
Left, and it'll take you straight through to Customs.
- I thought this was a short cut! - No, it is, it is.
(SHOTGUN COCKS) Oh, nah, nah, nah, you you earned that fair and square.
- You take that.
- So did you.
We'd still be locked up at Doreen's if it weren't for you! If you are ever in Bangkok, look us up! Righto.
You redheaded sack of shit! Christ, what are you doin'? Checking up on me? Nah, me mum just got back from Bali this morning and I'm just picking up her bags, like the good son I am.
Hm.
Girls get off okay? Yeah, yeah, no worries, you just missed 'em.
Yeah, I bet they're glad to be headed home, I bet.
Oh, yeah, they're off their heads.
Yeah, good stuff.
Hey, why don't you come out tonight and I'll shout you a couple of sherbets just for looking after 'em? Oh, nah, nah, nah, you don't have to do that.
Bullshit! It's the least I can do.
Alright? Alright.
Some chewy? Yeah.
See you tonight.
How can you see looking through those tears? Don't you know you're worth your weight in gold? I can't believe that you're alone in here Let me warm your hands against the cold A close encounter with a hardhearted man Who never gave half of what he got Couple of lobsters oughta do it.
Don't get carried away, eh, big fella? You beside the dance floor What do you cry for, let's live it up Let's live it up Live it up Oh, leave it up NARRATOR: So, after a rocky debut in Sydney, Les found himself happier than a butcher's dog.
The girls were on their way back to Bangkok, he was a lazy grand up, and now he was off to throw a few pigs' ears down his motorboat.
All in all, not bad for a day's work.
You wouldn't be dead for quids.
Oi! What, you're moonlighting for the KGB, I see? Don't think I haven't thought about it.
Mate, hold on, I thought we were supposed to be having a drink? Yeah, we are, soon as we knock this off.
Let me guess, another favour for Price? Nothing much gets past you, does it, mate, eh? So, Price is a big handball for me, right? Has been for years.
So much so that he pledged to build a nice new handball court for all the locals.
Mate, I don't see what this has to do with us having a drink.
Well, turns out the foreman's a bit of goose, and he's been riding the crew.
So the concreters, this arvo, walked off the job without filling the final footing.
So? So, the slab gets poured tomorrow, but that can't happen unless all the footings are done, obviously.
Oh, come on, Eddie! That thing's got to be at least 20 feet deep in there.
It'll take all night to fill up.
Heads up! The sooner you get crackin', the sooner you can have that beer.
You know what? You could have bloody warned me.
I wouldn't have worn my best shirt.
Oi! Mate, you sure got the foreman thing down pat, don't ya? Mate, as far as I'm concerned, manual labour's a Spanish goalkeeper.
(CACKLES) Here.
Very nice.
Price will be stoked.
Mate, he'd wanna be, he hired a doorman, he got himself a labourer and a minder thrown in.
Nah, don't worry, mate, he's got a long memory.
And you're in his good books for taking good care of those girls.
Yeah, well, let's just hope that's the last we see of 'em, eh? Why wouldn't it be? Well, you said it yourself, they're tidy earners.
Oh, come on, you're telling me you're not worried about blowback from Doreen? Nah, nah, don't worry, Doreen's under control.
She didn't look under control when she blew out my back window with a bloody shotgun.
She's sorted, mate, trust me.
We had a good chat and she's, uh rock-solid now.
Yeah? Mm.
Come on, finish one of those off and I'll give you a lift home in the Corniche, hmm? See how the other half live.
Huh.
What? What have you lost? Me keys.
You're takin' the piss.
Fuck.
Walking in a strange light, looking at the walls The walls are getting higher and I think they're gonna fall They're gonna fall down over me Crush me till I scream Now I'm only hoping that I'm living in a dream Hm.
(LES CLEARS THROAT) Evening, Georgie.
Les, I almost didn't recognise you.
Very flash.
Looks pretty good, huh? Price got it for me.
Well, it seems like you made quite the first impression.
How'd you get on with Lozza? Yeah, good, moved in a couple of days ago.
Oh, terrific! I thought she might have scared you off.
Nah! She reminds me of every bloke I've ever played football with.
Ha! Yeah, Lozza's in advertising.
Speaking of which, Lozza doesn't know much about what goes on up here.
A little bit of discretion goes a long way.
What's the matter? Don't think I can keep a secret? I guess we'll find out.
(DOOR OPENS) G'day, Georgie.
- Hello.
- Len.
Price around? Ah, yeah, he's out the back.
I'll take you guys through.
Cheers.
- Come on upstairs.
- Thank you.
(DOOR CLOSES) And it's like she just vanished into thin air.
Yeah, I'm I'm still not sure why I'm supposed to be concerned here.
- This - Doreen Bognor.
She's the brothel queen of the western suburbs, alright? She's got a string of knock shops from Bass Hill to Box Hill to Rooty Hill.
Oh, Rooty Hil, bet that's headquarters.
I'm serious here, Price.
People are asking questions.
Oh, look, I'm sure she'll turn up, Ray.
Probably just sick or something.
- Bloody awful stomach bug going around.
- Mm.
No, no, I went down and had a look for myself.
Fuck! Look, I just thought that you lot might have, you know, heard something.
No, not a peep, I'm afraid.
Hey, Georgie, have you have you heard of her? No, I don't think so.
I'll keep an ear out, though.
- Go and check on the van, will ya? - Oh, come on, Sergeant.
Probationary Constable! I'll show you out.
Come with me.
Hey, we've got Cryback's Revenge in the seventh.
Yeah, I was gonna go six on High Cost.
No.
Yeah, well, Todd's on her.
So, Constable, how long have you been stationed here for? Five weeks now.
Oh, fresh off the boat! Cross can be a bit of an eye-opener at first, am I right? Oh, I knew what I was getting myself into when I requested the posting.
Fair enough.
How are you getting on with Ray? Oh, uh, you know, it's a privilege to work with someone of his experience.
I've got a boss too, remember? I get it.
So, if you need anything or want to chat, or whatever, you know where to find me.
It's not the easiest neighbourhood to navigate in heels.
I'll keep that in mind.
Evening, guys.
Come in.
If it isn't the rampaging rookie.
Easy, slugger.
Didn't bring me mouthguard.
So, how is it up there, then? How would I know? I'm down here looking after the van, aren't I? That is true, I didn't think of that.
I didn't get your name the other night, by the way.
It's because I didn't give it.
Still, feel safe with you down here on the street level.
I saw the way you dealt with those bikies.
This Doreen Bognor has got a rap sheet longer than the straight at Randwick, and I'm just a wee bit concerned that she might have been offed.
Look, it's not going to go unnoticed that she's gone missing within two weeks of her setting up shop inside your patch, Price! It's a free country, Ray.
What's the name of this brothel, again? Classy AZ.
Oh, well, there you go, reason enough to knock her right there.
(LAUGHS) Classy AZ, in Surry Hills, yeah? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, rings a bell.
Apparently they're dealing in young Thai girls, does that sound right, Ray? Very young Thai girls.
Yeah, well, it's a brothel, so anything's possible.
Well, she sounds like an A-grade grub.
I have to say, as a father of two teenage daughters, that's even more reason to hope that she's gone to the big bloody massage parlour in the sky.
Don't you think, Ray? How am I supposed to learn anything down here when all the real police work's going on in your boss's office? I mean, if she was really that important, you'd think they'll want all hands on deck, right? Who's that? That brothel madam they're looking for.
Doreen something-or-other.
Do you know who they're talking about? No.
Disappeared off the face of the earth, apparently.
If you ask me, she's probably hiding somewhere up the coast, sipping cocktails, as we speak.
NARRATOR: Given that Doreen had only recently tried to hollow out his skull and was now MIA, Les had a sinking feeling about where she might be 'hiding'.
He was also pretty sure that 20 feet of concrete was going to make sipping anything a bit tough.
- Do youse have any leads yet? - Nah.
When I manage to track her down myself, they'll have no choice but to bring me into the fold, right? Let's go, Constable.
Anyway, it was nice chatting with you, Les.
I'm Emily, by the way.
Nice to meet ya.
Guess I'll see you around, yeah? I reckon you will.
(ENGINE STARTS) How's the fit? Oh, like a glove, boss.
Yeah, of course it should! Had me bloke in Double Bay knock it up himself.
- You didn't have to do that.
- No, nonsense, nonsense.
It's the least we could do.
That lady copper just mentioned that a brothel madam's missing? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, she she hasn't been seen for a few days, apparently.
Yeah, right.
Something you want to ask me, son? No, it's just, you know, we pinch her girls and send them home.
She takes a pot shot at me and then suddenly she's missing.
You believe in karma, Les? Um, maybe.
Yeah, I certainly do, you know.
In my experience, karma's got everyone's address.
How do you figure that? You take those young Thai girls, for instance.
You know, they were just kids, weren't they? You know, they should have been finishing off high school, not fat Australian men.
But thanks to you, they're back home and they're safe.
And, you know, that Doreen, she's no longer hawkin' and forkin'.
Now, that's a bloody good result.
That's a bloody good result, karmically speaking, don't you think? - I suppose you're right.
- Yeah, of course I am.
It's all because of you.
No-one's going to forget that in a hurry.
Welcome to the family, Les.
(COINS CLATTER) (RINGING TONE) (RINGING TONE) - MAN: Dirranbandi Hotel.
- G'day, Terry.
Les here.
Oh, hello, Les.
How are ya? Yeah, I'm alright, mate.
Ah, I was just wondering, is Muzza around? Yeah, mate, he's just here.
I'll get him.
Yeah, alright, ta.
Hey, Muzz! It's your brother.
- G'day, little brother.
- Muzza, old son.
I haven't caught you at a bad time, have I? - Nah, mate, I'm just at work.
- What? Fight night.
Every shearer within a hundred miles is in town, gunning for a shot at the title.
What about your arm? Oh, they're just pitching that as a handicap.
Which it technically is.
Mate, most of the challengers here couldn't knock the froth off a beer.
Don't know how much shearing they'll get done tomorrow.
Yeah, look, I won't hold you up, then.
Look, I just wanted to know how Bevan Bender's doing? I'm pretty keen to come home, if you know what I mean.
(LAUGHS) Come home? What, you're kidding, aren't you? Haven't you heard? Heard what? Mate, Bevan Bender's fucked.
- He's what? - He's proper fucked.
Look, I spoke to the doc this morning, they're not even sure he's going to pull through.
(SIGHS) So, I hope you packed some spare undies, mate, 'cause you're not going anywhere.
(COIN CLATTERS) Mate, you'll be right.
Just keep your head down.
Alright, I gotta run.
I'll see ya.
Yeah, righto.
NARRATOR: Ever heard the expression "trouble in paradise"? Sorry, boss, we lost the keys of your car in the footing of your handball court right next to you-know-who.
Hey, hey, I didn't know about you-know-who, remember? You're sure there's nothing you're not telling me? - No! - Does your boss know you're here? He spends half his life in here, doesn't he? This whole strip is a jungle.
And like any jungle, the animals need to know who's top of the food chain.
Don't look at me.
The less I know, the better.
Well, the good news is no-one's killed Price yet.
Oh, well, not for want of trying, mind you.
You're a sitting duck.
I'm the bait, darling.
You know, you can't swallow me if you can't see me.
Oh, shit! Watch the dip! (GUNSHOT)