Life with Boys (2011) s01e01 Episode Script

Tonight? Your place? Sounds cool, babe.
Hold on, I'm getting beeped.
Hello? Tonight? Your place? Sounds cool, babe.
Hey, babe.
Grandma's in the hospital and she's fading fast.
So tonight's not going to work out.
But odds are tomorrow night's wide open.
See you then, babe.
Seriously? The "Gam-Gam's in the hospital" thing, again? One of these days she really is going to be sick, and how's that going to make you feel? Sad.
But honest.
You are more of a pig before most guys are all day.
Yeah, but a pig with great hair.
Watch the bounce.
Mmm! Spence, you look up to your big brother, right? - Yeah.
Well, snap out of it.
Ho! What you going to do now, huh, sport? Dad! Pin the old man.
Come on, do it.
Do it.
No.
How many times do I have to tell you that I am not trying out for your stupid wrestling team? Hey, can I try out? Your hair ain't got no bounce.
Okay, I understand you want me to wrestle, but that was low.
Shame on you.
Shame on you.
Gabe.
Come on, you're a natural.
I'm a natural too.
Unbelievable.
How can a child of mine not want to be on the wrestling team? Hello? I do.
I meant more like a boy child.
You know, with the appropriate boy stuff.
What century are you living in? There are girls on the baseball team, and I heard the football team even has a girl kicker.
Okay.
Now, to be fair, until the saliva test comes back, no one's really sure that's a girl.
Dad Look, Tess, I'm not saying you're not a good athlete.
You're great.
It's just these are strong, well-trained boys.
You can get hurt.
You always taught me to believe in myself and that I can do anything.
Yeah, all parents say that.
It's just so you don't wind up seeing a therapist later in life and blaming us for everything.
No.
I refuse to accept this.
And until you let me try out for the team, I am not moving from this spot.
Okay.
I mean it.
Enjoy.
So, you changed your mind.
Night, sweetie.
I mean it.
I'm not moving.
Okay.
? Feels like I'm caught in the middle ? ? Drama comes with every new day ? ? So far to fall ? ? Walking the tightrope ? ? But I wouldn't have it any other way ? ? We're gonna put one foot in front of the other ? ? Get tripped up and step on one another ? ? We move ahead and try to keep it on track ? ? 'Cause we know we got each other's back ? ? Don't need to fight it ? ? No need to deny ? ? It's a crazy life, a random life ? ? A wonderful life ? "You can't wrestle because you're a girl.
" That is ridiculous.
I am as much a guy as anyone else on that team.
Oh, sugar, I made a sloppy stitch.
But don't you just love this fabric? Yes, I do.
Why? Because I'm a girl.
And, honey, so are you.
So what? I'm a good wrestler and I have every right to try out for that team.
But what if you get hurt? I mean, think about it.
Bruises, broken bones.
Chipped nails! "Please don't do this to us.
We're so colourful and pretty.
" Would you please stop worrying? My nails and I know exactly what we're doing.
Hi.
I thought I heard Allie's soft See? Not a mark on them.
She was only able to do that because I wasn't ready.
Because when I'm ready, I'm Slammin' Sammy Foster.
A lean, mean, killing machine.
Whoa! Babe, how could that have been me at the movies last night? I was at the hospital holding Gam-Gam's hand, pulling her through by the strength of my love.
Oh, no, we're still on for tonight.
Wow.
Your life just gets better and better.
Because I know how to win with the ladies.
And I know how to win this game.
"Boom" goes the dynamite!" No fair.
You always win.
I'll take you for some ice cream.
I don't get it.
I beat Sam all the time.
How come I can't beat you? I wasn't ready! Get it now? Just tiring her out, and then I'll pounce.
All right, Jacobs, show me a single-leg takedown.
Yeah.
Nice job, Andy.
Yeah, it was okay.
But if you had kept your centre of gravity lower you would have had a better chance of putting him in a cradle.
Then all you got to do is rock your shoulders and you got yourself a pin.
Coach, isn't that? My daughter, who I told could not try out for the team? Yes, it is.
You guys, take five.
Hi.
Now you listen here Now you listen here, young lady Dad, remember when I was afraid to ride a bike? Oh, no.
Not the bike speech.
Yes, the bike speech.
You told me not to be scared because you had enough confidence in me for the both of us.
Yeah, well, you know, if I knew you were going to remember every single thing I said, I wouldn't have said half of it.
You believed in me then.
Why don't you believe in me now? I do.
Excuse me? I said I do believe in you.
And? And you can try out for the for the team.
Yes! But Tessie, someday you're going to have kids of your own, and they're going to want to do something that makes you nervous.
And when they do You're going to be right there, telling me to let them try.
I know.
All right, try out.
But the second I see you're in any kind of danger, I'm blowing this whistle.
Deal? Deal.
Go ahead.
Thanks, Dad.
You got to be kidding me.
Well, you were just about to trip on that mat.
That's the number one cause of wrestling injuries right there.
You can ask any of these guys.
They always Fine.
Hey, guys.
I know this is a little unusual, a little weird, me being a girl and everything.
But hey, it's the 21st century, and I think it's time we all move past those old-fashioned gender stereotypes.
You think this is funny? Okay, let's see who can beat the stereotypically weak little girl.
Out of your mouth.
Take it out of your mouth.
Oh, boy.
Don't worry.
I'll be gentle.
Ah! Oh! Uncle! Mommy! Would you look at that? Still colourful and pretty.
Allie, I made the team! I made the team! And you rushed out here to tell me without changing out of your sweaty man outfit? Awkward.
Allie, I made the team! I made the team! Headgear.
Once again, awkward.
Allie, I made the team! I made the team! I heard.
It was awesome.
Who says a girl can't compete with boys? We are talking total female domination.
Uh-oh.
What "uh-oh?" This is not an "uh-oh" This is not an "uh-oh" situation.
Sure, it is.
No guy wants to get beat by a girl.
I mean, look what happened with Sam yesterday.
It's not the same thing.
These guys are my teammates.
If I help them win, they got to love me.
So, once again, no "uh-oh" here.
Hey, guys! Teammates! Whassup?! Freak.
Uh-oh.
This is just so unfair.
I mean, look at her.
She's competing with boys, and she seems perfectly happy.
How does she do it? I play beach volleyball in a tankini.
I don't wrestle like a psycho pit bull in a helmet.
What do I look like, some kind of man/girl freak? Did you hear what she just said? Who? If I said the poster, would that be creepy? Yes.
Then nobody.
Okay.
Look, why don't you just quit? I mean, girls are laughing at you, the wrestling team hates you and it's not long until everyone we know thinks you're a freak.
I'll admit some people might go there, but it's not like everybody we know is that shallow.
Do you have any idea what it was like for me to walk into the Blend and hear everybody we know call my twin sister a a freak? It was great! Sam, if you don't get out of here Yeah, I know.
We all know what you can do.
You're like a mutant.
Some sort of government experiment gone terribly wrong.
Which means when she beat me yesterday, it in no way minimized my male manliness.
Sam, I'm going to say this because I care about you.
I don't care about you.
Yes, but you will.
Because I'm going to prove I'm worthy of your love by avenging that heinously unfair defeat yesterday.
Not with some pointless clash of brute force, but rather a time-honoured contest of quickness and cunning.
One, two, three, four! I declare a thumb war! Get out.
I'm not leaving without my dignity.
Or I could just come back for my dignity later.
I hate you.
Tess, the more I think about it, the more I know you have to quit that team.
Look, I already thought about quitting, but how can I? I made such a big deal to Dad about how quitting is just about the worst thing there is.
Worse than being dateless for the rest of your life and ending up like that lady at the end of your street whose house smells like a take-out container of loneliness? Well, he didn't want me going for the team in the first place, and he does love it when any of us tell him he's right.
All parents are like that.
They're so needy.
I know.
I'm going to make it work for me.
Hey, Dad.
Tess, about what happened today Look, before you say anything, I just want to say, you were right.
I never should've tried out for the team.
What? Are you nuts? You were fantastic.
And I never would've learned that if I'd made you quit.
You know, I don't know what I'm more proud of.
The way you wrestled or what you taught me about believing in yourself and never giving up.
Right.
Yeah.
But let's just say, ahem, hypothetically, I wanted to quit.
Well, I wouldn't let you.
Because that would be me quitting on you.
Something my daughter taught me was wrong.
You know, I could learn a lot from you.
I'm only a kid.
I mean, let's not get carried away.
Look at that.
Strong, brave and modest too.
I'm proud of you, Tess.
Or should I say, team captain? Surprised? You betcha.
So how'd it go? I am now the captain of loneliness.
Ooh! Oh, man, not again.
I'm never going to beat you.
Sad, but true.
Come on, I'll buy you a Slurpee.
Help wash down that big glob of defeat.
Okay.
Oh, don't worry, Spence.
You'll get him one day.
Are you kidding? I'm letting him win.
Why? Makes the big guy happy.
And when the big guy's happy, the little guy gets ice cream, Slurpees, pizza.
Need I go on? Yo, Spence.
Coming.
That's it.
I don't have to quit.
I just have to let them win.
They regain their stupid boy pride and I get to start being a girl again.
What if this doesn't work? Yeah, yeah, I'm a freak.
Get over it.
Of course it's going to work.
One guy beats me, my dad blows the whistle and the whole team goes back to their little fantasy world where they're gbig, bad boys.
I don't like it, but what choice do I have? Okay.
But if anything should happen to you, can I have that adorable, black beaded purse? What? I just want to look good at your funeral.
Out of respect.
For you.
Well, there she is.
The little rocket we're going to ride all the way to city championships.
Who wants to take her on first? Look at them.
That's going to be every guy in the city pretty soon.
Oh, boy.
Jacobs, get out and grapple.
But I Okay, take it easy on them.
Morale's kind of low.
You are a girl, for Pete's sake.
I'll try.
You just keep that whistle handy.
Just in case you need it for any reason.
All right, let's go.
Okay.
Okay, everybody back.
Not you.
Let's go.
Sometime this week, Jacobs.
Make a move.
Any move.
Might be your lucky day.
Coach Foster.
Sylvia.
What now? You need to move your car.
You've parked in Principal Dunkelman's space.
Again.
The man rides a bike to school.
What's he need a whole space for? Tell me about it.
Pedal-pushing hippie.
You're pathetic.
Here, I'll start.
Yeah! That's what I'm talking about.
Whoa.
Nice job, Andy.
I did it.
I won.
You sure did.
You destroyed me.
You could probably all destroy me today if it wasn't for that darn whistle.
That darn whistle.
Where is that darn whistle? Daddy? Hold it, okay? What drawer's that beaded purse in? Never mind.
Ah! Yeah! Little late for that, Dad.
You guys, over there.
I'll deal with you in a minute.
Oh, are you okay? Mentally, yeah.
Physically, not so much.
For the record, I was against this whole wrestling thing from the beginning.
But you probably didn't need to know that right now.
Bye.
You let them win, didn't you? No, no, no.
Yes, maybe a little.
But it was only to get my girl cred back.
Come on, you think boys are dumb enough to believe that? Well, look at them.
Yeah.
Yeah, they are now.
But trust me, they're going to figure it out.
And I'm telling you, Tess, the only thing worse for a guy than losing to a girl is winning and and finding out she let you.
Yeah, but if I go over there and beat them, they're just going to go on bad-mouthing me.
Probably.
But who cares? Look, any guy who can't accept you for who you are isn't worth it.
Really? Mm-hmm.
That's all you got? An after-school-special speech? Look, I know what I'm talking about.
Your mom was an athletic kid too, and some guys couldn't handle it.
Some guys could.
And you're looking at one of them.
Yeah.
I even have the scars to prove it.
Go Fish never ended well with that woman.
Dad, I gave you that one.
You see? You're just like your mom.
Thanks, Dad.
I love you, Tessie, if that's not too after school special for you.
Now come on.
Here.
Go get them.
Well, boys, I don't know about you but I feel a lot better.
Ooh, and he does it again! The man just cannot lose.
Hey, babe.
And babe.
I told you, he doesn't even know our names.
That is ridiculous.
Of course I do.
I know your names.
Janet and Jodie.
Lisa and Mary.
Jane