Lil' Bush: Resident of the United States (2007) s01e01 Episode Script

1 We interrupt tonight's program to bring you an important message from the White House.
Tonight I wanna address these activist judges: puttin' Paris Hilton in jail, come on! Look judges, kids need time to grow up and make some mistakes.
Maybe that means smokin' or drinkin' or snort an eight ball off the bathroom floor while your dad accepts or busts a presidential nomination But sooner or later, kids always grow up.
Until they run age 40.
Until then, you are in what I call the "fun zone".
So if you are in your 40, let yourself a cigarette, pop open a cold one, pack your sniffer full of nose candy and get in the fun zone.
Tommuz, ChemicalChiara Revision: Demi, ChemicalChiara, LucasCorso.
Tonight's episode: "The one where I go to Iraq for some reason" More bad news from Iraq.
Let's see what else is on.
The casualties grow in Iraq.
Iraq is costing U.
S.
tax payers 7.
4 million dollars an hour.
Gosh, dang it.
You kids know you are not supposed to watch anything but FOX News.
Oh sorry Pa.
Jesus, I've never seen you so steamed.
Oh, I'm sorry, gang.
It's just the press.
They refuse to report on any good stories in Iraq.
They focus on all the terrible bad stuff that we're doing, like torturing people and killing civilians, and funnelling billions of tax payer dollars into our friends' corporations.
Oh, how could they do this to you? And with Father's day comin'up too.
Oh, oh.
Mom, Jeb's got his head caught in the ice machine again! I guess you'll need to wear a hat today.
I just don't know what to get my Pa for Father's Day.
Every year I get my dad a different belt buckle.
The welts on my back are like a walk down memory lane.
A black cape and a lightsaber might be good for your dad, but my dad is tough! Wait, what if I go to Iraq finding some good news? But Little George, isn't that too dangerous? Quit using a fuzzy math on me, Condi.
I'm trying how to hatch a plan for getting us to Iraq.
Hey, I know George Why don't we just join the Army? My God tells me to avoid serving but in this case I think it's a good idea.
Let's do it, gang! Oh, thank God! Do you wanna join the Army? Pencils down.
Let's see how you did.
- Your name is Johnny America - God bless me! So you get that one right.
And for today's date you put "tomato".
- Welcome to the U.
S.
Army, soldier.
- Great! When do I get my body armor? Enough jokin' around.
Plains when you are back.
All right! Hey, rest of my body, we're going to Iraqistan! We did it, gang! We got to Iraq! Where shoulda we start looking for a gift for your dad? Right here Baghdad.
It's got dad right in it! We shoulda find papa's feel good story here.
C'mon gang.
Let's "Iraq and Roll"! See ya! Lil' George Bush's here.
We're gonna play a song I wrote.
It's called "Iraq and Roll" And I think it's the greatest song ever written.
Cause I wrote it.
C'mon, let's Iraq and Roll fly right into a big shit hole Father's Day shopping over there so I don't have to do it over here C'mon let's Iraq and Roll Gotta smoke this stupid gift out of its home Damn it, gotta give me who've done find a cause Sure I do.
Ahahah! Hear that beat? There's Lil'Cheney at the drums, everybody get in! C'mon, everybody, sing along, c'mon! #Big shit hole# Big shit hole Big shit hole Man, this place is a hellhole.
Find out a feel good time father's day gift for my dad is harder than I thought.
Hey little George, how about in here? - Wow.
- Wow, this is awesome.
Even better than a crossbase behind the water hither where my dad's arms can reach me.
for thought, Rummy.
Come on gang! Let's take the tour.
You'll also want to take a look at the basement.
Saddam's torture rooms have all been converted into a world class state-of-the-art super torture rooms.
So have fun! Just remember to keep your camera phones off.
Man, this place is awesome.
You guys see what I'm thinking? Torture! No, this is the perfect feel good store for my pop.
I can see the headline now.
America makes Iraq awesome! Condi, get the press down here.
Pronto.
Press? Sorry kids, we don't allow the press in here.
It's just one of the many freedoms that aren't admitted to Iraq.
Oh, why not? This place is great! See, if we let the american public know what we're doing with their hard(er) earned Tax (does) dollars, They're gonna want 'em back, and then we wouldn't be able to afford our executive grills, yo! Remember kids What happens in Iraq, stays in Iraq.
Dang it.
Maybe there only aren't any feel good stories here.
I guess I should suggest get pap those Uggboots he wants.
Hey, you're right.
He's been kidnapped.
- October surprise? - He's right.
If we can free a hostage, that will make a great story.
Come on gang! Cheney's got the scent.
Let's go back dad a gift.
What are you doing? You just killed the Abdullahs! I was about to sell the Baloon Ceasars franchising in Falluja.
Bitte! Bitte! Are you crazy? You just killed 4 people! Oh, nuts! This gift shop in is turned into a quagmire! Come on little George, stay the course.
This is not the time to cut and run.
Hey, it's a war orphan.
What if we brought him back to America for you dad to adopt? We can have a big press conference to show everyone what a great guy your dad is.
That can make a nice story, George.
I like it.
We could call him Lamie.
Cause he can walk so good.
Hey George, just imagine if you and me adopted a third world orphan We'd be like Brangelina! People could call us Georgeliza! Look, pal.
I'm the one who gives out nicknames in this group.
And come on, Donaliza Rapucheney.
Let's take Lamie to the greatest country in America.
USA.
It's costruction paper.
Jeb chewed it up all by himself.
- That's great.
- And now open mine.
That's Lamie.
I got him in Iraq.
I can't decide which is the better gift.
The amount of chewed up glue or the lame, Iraqui kid.
Oh, George.
Happy father's day.
Yeah, happy father's day, Pop.
- Jeb wants a hugh too Jeb hugh Lamie.
And guess what? I got the whole press court waiting outside! When they see you adopted Lamie it's gonna be a real feel good top story.
That's a super idea, son.
- No, I broke Lamie.
- Oh, great! Now our feel good story feels pretty bad.
George, they're getting restless.
Hellen Thomas has your press secretary in a headlock.
Oh, the press is gonna eat me alive.
- What do we gotta do? - Hold on, Pap.
I got an idea.
You ever seen the movie Weekend at Bernie's? Hey there, Berry thinks you're really cute.
Well, this sure is a feel good story.
A free White House screening of Weekend at Bernie's.
You've given the nation a reason to dream again.
That's my pop.
- You've done it again, lil' George.
- This is the best father's day ever.
Hey, young viewers, stay tuned on 24.
Do your part in the war on terror and watch these commercials.
Next episode: The one were pop's gotta smoke little Cheney out of a hole.
Hey, check it out.
Little Bill Clin is trying to eat the Lewinsky twins.
That's called "kissing", George.
Kissing is when two people who really love each other put their lips together and I see something I really love right here You do? Yeah, I love "Tatler tuts" It's Oh boy, right! Here comes Little Hilary.
Geez Call me! Little George, have you ever been kissed? Are you kidding, the only time I even had a hug from my pop is when he made chief of state James Baker.
My dad kisses me all the time, that's what he calls "punching".
Yeah, I remember when you kissed that dog! That was weird.
Hey, I got an idea! Let's make a bet to see who can get a girl kiss him first.
It's on! Now I have to figure out how to get a girl to kiss me and win this bet.
-What about me, Little George? -Yeah, you can be in on the bet too, Cond.
Now quit yapping, I'm tryin' to think.
How can I get Lil' Laura to kiss me? Oh, I know! I'm gonna go sign up for that prayer group she runs.
But George, that is a fear support group.
You have to be a sinner to join.
What the hell is a sinner? I-I don't know.
Look it up.
Aardvark, no! Abacus, no! Academy, no! Dang it, this is gonna take forever! I'll just ask pop.
Yu-uh, puppy! We have a few minutes before the kids get home.
I was hoping I can take a ride on your Air Force One.
Oh, Good God, woman! Trying to eat my saltines! Oh George, you never visit the first lady parts anymore.
Oh, that woman is insatiable.
Oh yeah, salty godness! And I eat it! Hey pop, I need to have a father-son talk-talk.
-What is a sinner? -Oh, that is easy, son.
Someone who sins, for example, murder.
Murder is a sin.
Murder, great! Thanks for having this talk with me, pop.
-Means a lot.
-Oh well, you're welcome, son.
Oh, come on! Let's go to James Baker's house and get you a hug.
Come in! Now Lil' Cheney, I'm afraid Lil' George isn't in here.
Oh Cheney, I'm not trying to seduce you Would you like me to seduce you? Ah ah ah! Not on the mouth! 45 Exhausting minutes Later Sneak, sneak, sneak, sneak, sneak George, are you trying to hurt your brother? No! Dang it, I was trying to kill him.
No, be nice to your brother.
You may need him to help you rig an election, someday.
No mum, I need to murder Jeb, so I can be a sinner, so I can enter into Little Laura's prayer group, so I can charm her, so I can kiss her, so I can win the bet, so all my friends will take awesome Oh, you got a lot on your mind, little man.
Now, you don't need to murder anyone to be a sinner, we are all sinner in the eyes of the Lord.
Even me? Awesome! Tomorrow I'll join Lil' Laura's prayer group.
Charming lips, here I come! Now, how we are going to fix my best crowbar? Oh, Jeb fix crowbar! Read my lips.
I did not order the side of bashed potatoes.
And the waiter said: yes, you did! And so I said: Read my lips! -Oh, George, something is not right.
-What the Oh my godness, I think you're pregnant! Maybe this won't be an half-wit.
I'll grab the White House ultrasound.
Nixon bought it.
He liked to swallow whole olives and then watch then dissolve in his stomach.
Oh, that guy he was a real drunk.
Look, it's not a baby It's It's Little Cheney! How did you get in there? Oh George, I've made a horrible mistake, please forgive me.
It's just You haven't taken the old Volvo out for a spin in a while.
I was lonely.
And Lil' Cheney was there for me.
I just got caught up in the moment and I guess at some point he got caught up in Oh, well.
This all sounds like a big misunderstanding.
I'll call the doctor.
Please, little Cheney, don't make me choose between the man I married and the man apparently using my kidney as a bean bag chair.
No, Little Cheney.
It's over.
We'll always have a one special afternoon and this weird extra-time that most people never get.
The doctor says he might take a few months for him to work his way out.
- A few months? - Oh, settle down, Barbara.
He said thet if we were desperate, he knows a specialist we can go to.
First thing in the morning.
And in the meantime, we could all we could all use some rest.
- Goodnight Bar.
- Goodnight Papi.
And now, to win the bet.
Hey, gang, I'm a sinner, just like you! - Really? We should text each other.
- Oh, thanks.
Little Mark Foley.
But I'd rather text Laura with my words out loud, with my mouth computer.
Little Laura, you're so cute and chubby, hey, c'mon, let's say it.
Do yuo wanna go out on a date-type job with me sometime? Maybe we'll do some kissing-style activities.
Hot dog! Why don't you take her at the big pro life rally at the abortion clinic? - Is that where good dates start? - That's where good dates end! All they're saving life and wanted to kill at the same time, it's cool! Makes my lips all wanna press up against some.
Would you care if I use your lips as that some? Awesome! I'm gonna win the bet! Ah.
It's the right address.
I guess I didn't realize what the doctor meant when he said specialist.
George, please, it's like I've got a drunk rakoon in my belly.
Uh, hold on there Bar.
I don't know how I feel about get an abortion, I mean, I know I'm aginst during election years, but this is different.
His hands are wandering, George.
We've got to do something fast! Hey, pop, thanks a lot for screwing up my first kiss.
What are you doing? Lil' Cheney is in an undisclosed location somewhere inside your mother and I'm pretty undecided about what to do.
So that's where Little Cheney has been up to now! Wait till I tell the gang! George, it's time! C'mon dad, we gotta get little Cheney outta there! Well, I've never thought I'd say yes, but uh, what the heck, let's get an abortion, gang! - Hold on! I almost got him! - I was this close to kiss little Laura and win the bet! I don't know why it has to be Little Laura, we could kiss right now and both win the bet! Good one, Condi! What are you doing? I'm trying to make myself chubby, so Little George would think I'm beautiful! What are you doing here, Lil' Hilary? I work here after school just for fun.
But, Lil' Condi, you don't need to make yourself chubby to be beautiful.
- You're beautiful just the way you are! - You really think so? Lil George? Lil' Condi is winning the bet! Oh big dang! Congratulations! Would you like to cut the umbilical cord? Uhm, there souldn't be an umbilical cord! Oh, I'm sorry, he's holding on her intestine.
Let go! Hey! Little Cheney's born again! It's a boy! Well, I'm glad that everything is back to normal, let's stand face with the voters and burn this place down!