Lip Sync Battle UK (2016) s01e01 Episode Script

1 It's the moment you've all been waiting for.
Lip Sync Battle has come to the UK! T.
REX: "20th Century Boy" Let the Lip Synch Battle commence! We've got Alesha Dixon! (WHISTLING AND CHEERING) Versus David Walliams! (WHISTLING AND CHEERING) This is Lip Sync Battle UK! (WHISTLING AND CHEERING) Friends say it's fine, friends say it's good Everybody says it's just like Robin Hood And it's plain to see you were meant for me Yeah, I'm your boy, your 20th Century toy (WHISTLING AND CHEERING) Ladies and gentlemen, I'm working with a Spice Girl.
Make some noise for Mel B! (PROLONGED WHISTLING AND CHEERING) Welcome to the global smash hit that is Lip Sync Battle.
(WHISTLING AND CHEERING) Now the game is simple.
Two stars lip sync two songs, and the audience decide who did it best.
The mics may be off but the battle is definitely on.
(WHISTLING AND CHEERING) - Are you lot ready for that? - (WHISTLING AND CHEERING) Then give it up for my boy up there in the booth.
He conquered the world to become a rap battle champion, so who better to judge tonight's lip sync battle? Make some noise for Professor Green.
(WHISTLING AND CHEERING) - How are you doing, Mel, all right? - I'm all right.
Do you know what? This is the first show and we made it.
We are.
The set's all right.
Some poor sod had to screw all these blimmin' light bulbs in.
I was looking, and I think there's one I saw that was popped.
Don't say that.
I've got OCD.
(ALL LAUGH) OK, so two stars are waiting backstage, ready to lip sync their hearts out as they battle to get their hands on that, our amazing Lip Sync Battle championship belt.
(WHISTLING AND CHEERING) Let's welcome tonight's performers.
First up is Britain's Got Talent judge number one, she's hot, she's sexy, and let's hope she's good with her lips.
Give it up for Alesha Dixon! (WHISTLING AND CHEERING) Now let's meet her opponent.
He's a towering giant of comedy and an all-round ladies' man.
Or maybe he's a bit of a man's man too.
- David Walliams! - (WHISTLING AND CHEERING) Now this is a battle of Britain's Got Talent judges.
Does Simon know you're both doing this? I don't think he does, actually.
Does he? - No, he doesn't really keep in touch.
- (ALL LAUGH) You don't really hear from him, as you probably know.
We've signed the contracts, so whatever happens he can't get rid of us.
- You've never met Simon? - Never met Simon Cowell.
You may one day when you audition for X Factor.
(ALL LAUGH) - You've forgotten my role in all of this.
- Talk to Professor Green.
- What's he doing up there? - You've become the judged.
- You are going to be judged on your talent.
- Oh.
He's judging and the audience are all judging.
Why's he wearing a bodywarmer inside? They wanna know why you're wearing it.
You're not going to feel the benefit when you go outside.
You think he looks cool.
You're gonna be sweating like a pig in half an hour.
Professor Green, what are you expecting from these two? Er, a little bit less lip from this one.
Thank you.
This is what I have to put up with.
- Come on, Alesha's got the moves, we all know that.
- Yes, she does.
From Alesha credibility, from David creepy.
(ALL LAUGH) OK, well, listen, we had to decide who was kicking things off.
So ladies first.
- That means David.
- (ALL LAUGH) - Alesha, go and take a seat in the VIP lounge.
- I will.
Good luck.
- Thank you.
- (WHISTLING AND CHEERING) - Are you ready for this? - Of course I'm ready.
So what's the song, then? - It's by Missy Elliott, Work It.
- Fabulous.
(WHISTLING AND CHEERING) First up this evening, with Work It by Missy Elliott, give it up for David Walliams.
(WHISTLING AND CHEERING) (MUSIC INTRO) (MIMES) This is a Missy Elliott one-time exclusive Come on! Is it worth it, let me work it I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it (BACKWARDS) I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it If you got a big, let me search you And find out how hard I gotta work you (BACKWARDS) I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it C'mon! I'd like to get to know you so I could show you Put the pussy on ya like I told ya Gimme all your numbers so I could phone you Your girl actin' stank then call me over Not on the bed, lay me on your sofa Phone before you come, I need to shave my chocha You do or you don't or you will or won't you Go downtown and eat it like a vulture See my hips and my tips, don't ya See my ass and my lips, don't ya Lost a few pounds and my waist for ya This the kinda beat that go ra-ta-ta Ra-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta Sex me so good I say blah-blah-blah Work it, I need a glass of water Boy, oh boy, it's good to know ya Is it worth it, let me work it I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it (BACKWARDS) I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it If you got a big, let me search you And find out how hard I gotta work you (BACKWARDS) I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it - Come on! - (WHISTLING AND CHEERING) Whoa.
D'you know what? That did not look like that was the first time you've done that.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Thank you.
It was actually the second time.
Was it supposed to be erotic? It was.
I'm glad, I'm glad someone found it erotic.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - Highly erotic? Please don't touch me.
Alesha, could you break it down for us, what you saw? I'm pleasantly surprised.
It was a great song choice.
- Thank you very much.
- A bit rough round the edges.
(ALL LAUGH) Professor Green, what is your verdict? I think my very well dressed drunk uncle did very, very well.
Thank you.
Thank you.
David, get over to the VIP bar.
Alesha, you're up.
- You're better than David, right? - (LAUGHS) I don't know.
Yeah, you are.
He doesn't have to do much and everyone just loves him.
It makes me sick! (ALL LAUGH) Us girls have to work harder.
- What's the song? - It's a Skepta song.
(WHISTLING AND CHEERING) Yeah! I should've picked something easy, but no, I picked Skepta.
- Which one? - Shutdown.
(WHISTLING AND CHEERING) With Shutdown by Skepta, it's Alesha Dixon! (WHISTLING AND CHEERING) - Trust me, Daddy! - (MUSIC INTRO) (MIMES) I'm in a different class When I get through I'm gonna bring my dargs two by two Man walk on the ark, sittin' at the front, it's like Rosa Parks Trust me, you don't wanna see me get dark Upset cos man are way up right now and the shit happened all so fast I was in Paris, shut down Le Arc New York, shut down Central Park Talk about London, yo, Frisco, where shall I start? Walked in, spat ten 16 bars, each one of them came from the heart None of my lyrics are stolen, "Go on then, go on then" that's my slogan Wanna know how I did it with no label No A-list songs, and I told them, Blud, I just shutdown That's not me and it's shutdown, ring ring pussy, it's shutdown Fashion week and it's shutdown Went to the show sitting in the front row In the black tracksuit and it's shutdown Touch the road and it's shutdown, boy better know when it's shutdown Yeah, and it's shutdown! That's not me and it's shutdown Ring ring pussy, it's shutdown, fashion week and it's shutdown Went to the show sitting in the front row In the black tracksuit and it's shutdown Touch the road and it's shutdown, boy better know when it's shutdown! (WHISTLING AND CHEERING) Wow.
That was full-on proper amazing.
I love the energy of that song.
I love it.
When would I ever get to perform a song like that? It was brilliant.
- Sorry, David.
- Ah, David.
I'd I'd rather not have to stand up for a couple of minutes.
(ALL LAUGH) And in heels I'll have you know.
- It was all that - Dropping.
The dropping, yes.
Up and down, up and down, like a yo-yo.
Professor Green's going to stay behind there as well.
He's not coming out for a while.
- I'll stay right here.
- That was hot.
And she's, yeah The moves, you know I (ALL LAUGH) I'm guessing you enjoyed it, though.
Great.
I just can't look at Alesha, I'll look at you.
So, who's in the lead? Well, I - What do you lot reckon? Alesha? - (WILD CHEERING) You owned it, owned it.
Round One is done.
But don't go anywhere, as things are about to get serious, well, sort of, as these two pull out all the stops to get their hands on that belt in Round Two of tonight's Lip Sync Battle.
(WHISTLING AND CHEERING) (WHISTLING AND CHEERING) Welcome back to Lip Sync Battle.
So far we've seen Alesha Dixon get grimy.
And David Walliams work it.
Anything can happen, as it's time for Round Two, where our stars up their game and do whatever it takes to claim tonight's title and become our Lip Sync Battle champion.
(WHISTLING AND CHEERING) First up is Alesha.
So let's see how she prepared for tonight.
I have been training extremely hard for today, I am looking for absolute perfection.
Perfection of perfection.
I've got my Little Book of Big Words, incredible, big, complicated (LAUGHS) long words.
Cos lip syncing is all about wrestling with the vowels.
Oo-ee-oo-ee! Lots of nah-nah-nah-nah, oo-oo-oo.
Penne arra-bi-a-ta, ta, ta.
The most important thing for me is that my lips are in tip-top perfect shape for this battle.
It would mean everything for me to win the Lip Sync Battle.
I can't let the ego of David Walliams get any bigger than it already is.
I wish you luck, cos you're gonna need it.
- I've been doing this for 20 years.
- Yes, lip syncing to your own songs.
- Asshole! (LAUGHS) - That's nice, innit? That's witty, worthy of Oscar Wilde.
OK, David, you might be the nation's sweetheart, you may have swum the Channel, but you know what? I am gonna kick your ass.
(CACKLES) Bring it on.
(WHISTLING AND CHEERING) Cos, baby, now we got bad blood You know it used to be mad love (MIMES) So take a look what you've done Cos, baby, now we got bad blood Hey! Now we got problems And I don't think we can solve them You made a really deep cut And, baby, now we got bad blood Hey! Did you have to do this? I was thinking that you could be trusted Did you have to ruin what was shiny? Now it's all rusted Did you have to hit me where I'm weak? Baby, I couldn't breathe And rub it in so deep Salt in the wound like you're laughing right at me Oh, it's so sad to think about the good times You and I Cos, baby, now we got bad blood You know it used to be mad love So take a look what you've done Cos, baby, now we got bad blood Hey! Now we got problems And I don't think we can solve them You made a really deep cut And, baby, now we got bad blood Hey! Did you think we'd be fine? Still got scars on my back from your knife So don't think it's in the past These kinda wounds they last and they last Now did you think it all through? All these things will catch up to you And time can heal but this won't So if you're coming my way, just don't Oh, it's so sad to think about the good times You and I Cos, baby, now we got bad blood You know it used to be mad love So take a look what you've done Cos, baby, now we got bad blood Hey! (WHISTLING AND CHEERING) Ohh! I mean just when you thought it couldn't get any hotter, oh, my God.
- Hi, my name's Taylor.
- You look gorgeous.
- A proper superhero.
- I never thought I'd see Hey! I never thought I'd see Alesha Dixon firing ping-pong balls in a bar.
(ALL LAUGH) Ooh, what do you mean? What did you make of this, David? I thought there was a big problem.
It was too good.
It's really, really annoying.
And how's your bits and pieces and stuff? Again, I think I probably need about 15 minutes.
Got it.
Professor Green, coming to you.
What is your verdict? Wow, when I'm under fire, what do you think it is? She was brilliant.
- You were wicked.
- Thanks.
- The whole performance was incredible.
- Really good.
Come over here.
This is what you've got to beat.
Yeah, how hard could it be? (ALL LAUGH) - Let's find out how he got ready - (CLICK) for tonight's Lip Sync Battle.
They're all gone.
I've known Alesha Dixon for over 50 years now.
She pretends to be a lot younger but she's actually 68 years old.
She's had a lot of work done.
They're rehearsing now.
She once told me that she only actually mimes when she's hung over, which is every day, so she's had a lot of practice.
- Is she in here now rehearsing? - She's actually rehearsing.
I'd like to see.
I'm not competitive in any way, but I do need to win every time.
It could get quite physical.
(CLEARS THROAT) Alesha Dixon, I'm going to beat you, repeatedly, on the bare buttocks.
She's all right in small doses.
Two or three seconds after that you do slightly get tired of her, especially her very strange laugh.
(CACKLES) You can expect drama from my final performance.
There are many, many parallels between me and the artist that I've chosen to lip sync.
Mm, that's very nice.
The biggest one is that we're both incredibly talented.
(WHISTLING AND CHEERING) (MUSIC INTRO) (MIMES) Hello It's me I was wondering if after all these years You'd like to meet To go over Everything They say that time's supposed to heal ya But I ain't done much healing Hello, can you hear me? I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be When we were younger And free I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet There's such a difference Between us And a million miles Hello from the other side I must have called a thousand times To tell you I'm sorry For everything that I've done But when I call You never seem to be home Hello from the outside At least I can say that I've tried To tell you I'm sorry For breaking your heart But it don't matter It clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore (WHISTLING AND CHEERING) Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Do you think you did Adele proud? (WHISTLING AND CHEERING) - It's quite hot up here with all them layers on, isn't it? - It's nice, isn't it? Won't feel the benefit when you get outside, but - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - Yes.
- Yes, it was for the performance, dear.
- Likewise.
Alesha, what did you make of that? - You did good, David.
- Thank you.
Alesha, come over here.
We need Professor Green's final thoughts on these two for the night.
- Um, that was tear-jerking.
- Thank you.
- Erm - Where the other one was just jerking? (ALL LAUGH) Well, it is judgement time.
So let's see if tonight's title goes to David or Alesha.
Professor Green, the belt, please.
(AUDIENCE OOHS AND AAHS) Audience, you are the judge and jury.
So, is the winner David Walliams? (LOUD CHEERING) Or is the winner Alesha Dixon? (LOUD CHEERING) I can't hear you, I need to hear you a bit more.
(WHISTLING AND CHEERING) So Alesha! - The winner - I heard you, thank you! Thank you, darling.
The winner and Lip Sync Battle champion is - Alesha Dixon! - (WHISTLING AND CHEERING) - You must be gutted.
- I'm just glad she's won something in her life.
You were fantastic, God bless you.
You were amazing.
Well done.
Make sure you join us for our next Lip Sync Battle.
From me, Professor Green, Alesha and David (ALL) Goodnight! T.
REX: "20th Century Boy"