Little Britain (UK) s01e01 Episode Script

Britain, Britain.
Britain.
Land of technological achievement.
We've had running water for over ten years, an underground tunnel that links us to Peru, and we invented the cat.
But none of these innovations would have been possible were it not for the people of Britain, and it is those people that we do look at today.
Let's do it! It's half past René at this comprehensive school in Darkley Noone.
Projects in by first thing next week.
Vicky Pollard, stay behind.
- Good luck, Vicky.
- Yes, thank you, Kelly.
Come here, please, Vicky.
Vicky, it's been two weeks and I still haven't received your essay on Lord Kitchener.
No, because what happened was, I was going round Karl's but Shelley Todd, who's a bitch, has been completely saying that Destiny stole money but I ain't not neven spoken to Rochelle.
Vicki, I'm more interested in your course work.
But what happened was that Ashley Cramer's saying that Samantha's brother smells of mud, but - shut up! - Never stole no car - shut up! - Vicky, have you even started this essay? - No, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no.
I'm not going on the pill because they stop you from getting pregnant.
If I don't get the essay, I'll have to fail you.
Yeah, but Louise emptied a bottle of Fanta into Shannon's bag but Luke says he fingered her.
- Vicky, do you want to pass your GCSE? - GCS what? Don't go giving me evils! Inside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister is having a meeting with one of his aides.
(ICE-CREAM VAN JINGLE) 0f course, if I was Prime Minister, I'd knock through to number 11 and have a sort of larger living area, really open up the space.
So the meeting with the Trade and Industry Secretary has now been rescheduled for 6.
15.
Fine.
So the Chancellor's been moved to 7? Hiya! - Oh, hello.
- Yes? Sebastian, Gregory Merchant.
Just come to us from the Treasury.
- Hello, Sebastian.
Nice to meet you.
- Whatever.
Prime Minister, can I have a word? - Can't it wait? - Kind of important.
- Gregory, would you? - Of course.
Who was that? - Gregory, new boy at the Treasury.
He's good.
- Oh, is he? - Yes.
Really knows his stuff.
- I don't like him.
- Why is that? - I see the way he looks at you.
- What about it? - He was looking at you like he loves you.
- I don't think so.
- It's sad.
He's obviously got a crush on you.
(GIGGLING) - I think it's very unlikely.
- It's true.
He gets all nervous around you.
- Is that everything? - Yes.
- Do you want to get up? - No.
Could you call Gregory back in? Gregory! I think he's gone.
So, anyway Gregory, come in, please.
Sebastian's just leaving.
Could you show him out? Bitch! (SEBASTIAN SOBS) - Sorry about that.
Where were we? - Your meeting with the Chancellor.
Yes, that's right.
Ooh.
You smell nice.
People in Britain do all manner of things for kicks.
Some lick stamps.
0thers sit on chairs.
This fellow, who calls himself Emily Howard, likes to dress up as a lady.
Takes all sorts, I suppose.
Whoo! Whoo! Absolutely tipping it down out there.
That's the only reason I came in here alone, without a chaperone.
I'm a lady, you see.
Pay me no heed.
I've never been in a pub before.
Tell me, what does one do? Well, you can order a drink if you like, mate.
Yes.
I'll have a lady's drink, s'il vous plaît.
- What can I get you? - I'd like to buy the lady a drink.
I'd like to buy you a drink.
If that's OK.
- But I'm a lady.
- Yeah, I know.
And I'd like to buy you a drink.
Erm well a drinky-poo-poo.
Yes, I'll have a slimline tonic water, please.
- Right you are.
- And two packets of crisps.
Do you have the barbecued beef variety? Merci beaucoup.
- Cheers.
- Chin-chin.
Oh, goes straight to my head.
So, tell me a little bit about yourself.
Well, my name is Emily.
Emily Howard.
I'm a lady.
Because I'm a lady, I do ladies' things like attend operettas and les ballets imaginaires.
- Do you like the theatre? - No, but I like you.
I'm a lady.
I press flowers, and stroke kittens, and swim in rivers wearing dresses and hats and shit.
- You're a very lovely-looking lady.
- (GIGGLING) You embarrass me.
I must go and powder my nose.
Here, you wanna be careful with that one.
She's gorgeous.
Here, watch me pint.
I'm off for a slash.
Hello again.
Meanwhile, southeast of Northwestshire lies the little town of Herby.
Wait! Stop! Andy's birthday is just over a year away, and his friend Lou has decided to do something special.
There's your milk.
It's your birthday coming up and I said I'd take you to London to see a show.
- Yeah.
- The shows are advertised here.
- Which one do you want to see? - That one.
- Royal Opera House.
You won't enjoy that.
- That one.
What about Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? - With Michael Balls.
You like Michael Balls.
- Yeah, I know.
- Which one do you want to see? - That one.
- "La Traviata.
" It's an opera.
- Yeah, I know.
It's very expensive.
It's about £100 a ticket.
That one.
All right, we'll go to the opera.
(ORCHESTRA TUNES UP) - (SINGS IN ITALIAN) - I don't like it.
This is Kelsey Grammar School in Flange.
Schools are where tomorrow-adults, or "childeren", are harvested.
(SHOUTING) (BELL RINGS) For these boys, the first lesson of the day is on Charles Dickens' "Great Expectations".
"Now I was frightened again and ran home.
" Palfrey, you take over.
Top of page 116.
"Mrs Joe Gargery had brought me up by hand.
Knowing her to have a hard and heavy hand" - Johnson, you take over.
- "In the habit of laying it on her husband" - Clark! - "I supp" - Back to Johnson.
- "Supposed" - Pelham, you take over.
- "Joe Gargery and I were both brought up" - Worms! - "Not a good-looking" - Meacher.
- "woman.
" Read on, boy.
- "My sis" - Rolands.
- "ter and I had - Honkeytonk.
"I had a general impression that she must have been making Joe Garge" Phillips.
Nash.
Papathasaniou.
Go on, read.
Yes, all of you.
(TOGETHER) "Joe was a fair man, with" - Melling, Ashworth, join them.
- "of his smooth face, and with eyes" Scotch accents.
(WITH ACCENT) "of such a very undecided blue that they" In the style of the Elephant Man.
"sheemed to have shomehow got mixshed with their" Right, stop! We're not getting anywhere.
I will read.
Page 117.
"Joe wass a milled "mild mild Mild.
Mild.
"good na-turr" Shall we just watch the video? Yeah.
Yeah, better.
Unlike other countries, Britain has people of two genders, women and men.
Gary and his friend Jason are two men.
Write it down.
Men.
(DOOR OPENS) - That you, Gary? - Yeah, Mum.
I'm with me mate Jason.
Bring him in.
- This is Jason.
Me sister, Julie.
- All right? - Hello.
- Me mum.
- How do you do? - This is me Nan.
Hello.
(ROMANTIC MUSIC) Gary never told me he had such a beautiful grandmother.
I'll just go and put the kettle on.
I, uh haven't seen you around.
- Where do you normally hang out? - Day centre.
Must check it out.
- You smell nice.
What is it? - Murray Mints.
Tell him about the party.
Oh, yeah.
Julie's mate's having a party tonight.
Do you wanna go? - What do you reckon, Nan? You up for it? - What, me? I don't think she'd want me there.
- It's for the younger generation.
- Yeah.
I'll give it a miss.
So, uh I'll bet you're a woman of experience.
Well, I I've lived through two world wars.
- Maureen! - Yes, Mum? Can you take me to the toilet? I'm just making the tea, Mum! Julie, be a good girl, take your nan to the toilet.
It's OK.
I'll do it.
Up we get.
There we go.
- Oh! - Sorry.
I thought that was your elbow.
Meanwhile, at the Uncle Albert Hall, a recital is taking place.
(LIVELY CLASSICAL PIANO) Oh, no.
I had a bag.
Where's me bag? No, no, here it is.
(RESUMES PLAYING) Meanwhile, in Trowby, stage hypnotist Kenny Craig is on a date.
I usually just have a starter and find that's enough.
It's nice here.
It's funny.
I don't remember saying I'd go on a date with you.
I don't know what to have.
It all looks so nice.
The set menu is very reasonable.
Oh, they do baked lobster.
I've never had lobster before.
I'll have that.
Look into my eyes.
The eyes.
Don't look around the eyes.
Look into my eyes.
You're under.
You will order from the set menu.
Three courses, £8.
95.
You will NOT order the lobster.
Three, two, one, you're back in the room.
Oh, there's lots of things I like on the set menu.
- You don't mind ordering from the set menu? - Hey, whatever you want.
That's fine.
Do you know what you want to drink yet? Seeing as it's a special occasion, it'd be lovely to have a bottle of bubbly.
Look into my eyes.
The eyes.
Don't look around the eyes.
Look into my eyes.
You're under.
You will choose a soft drink, NOT champagne.
I don't fancy you that much and I resent you bleeding me dry.
Three, two, one, you're back.
- Are you ready to order, madam? - Yes, from the set menu, please.
I'll have the spring roll and chicken chow mein.
- And to drink? - Just a glass of water.
Tap.
And for sir? I'm not really hungry.
I'll just have the lobster and a bottle of champagne.
Thanks.
Above this theatre here in Sneddy is the office of theatrical agent Jeremy Rent.
- (INTERCOM BUZZES) - Dennis Waterman to see you.
Oh, lovely.
Do send him in.
- (HIGH-PITCHED) Hello! - Hello.
Oh, that's a big dog.
Have you never met Wolfit? Shake his hand.
Who's a good boy? Oooh! Tired.
I'm glad you popped in.
I've just had a call from the Troot Theatre Company.
- Not telly? - No.
As long as you insist on writing and singing your own theme tunes, telly won't touch you.
- EastEnders? - They've got a theme tune.
Mine's much better.
# Lots of things are happening in Albert Square, doo-doo-doo # Thank you.
The company are doing a production of "Macbeth" and they want you for the lead.
Oooh! Heavy.
One thing.
They do start rehearsals on Monday.
That's not much time to write a new theme tune.
No, Dennis, it's a straight play.
No music.
So, yes or no? # Mr Macbeth is a naughty man, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo # He gone and killed another man, doo-doo-doo-doo # I hath a good idea # Just thou keep me near I'll be so good for the Scottish play # I'll tell 'em you're busy.
Could you, er give me a hand down, please? - Don't drop me! Don't drop me! - I've got you.
Off you pop.
Don't patronise me.
Community centres in Britain are used as meeting places for all kinds of groups.
Until a law is passed to imprison fat people, gluttons of Britain are free to walk the streets and attend special diet classes like this one.
Yeah, I would say 12 stone, six.
Oh, you've gone up half a pound.
Bad luck.
- Sorry I'm late, Marjorie.
- That's all right, Pat.
The scales are broken.
I'm just having to estimate people's weight.
So, I tell you what.
Just lift up your arm.
Yeah, you look about 17 stone to me.
I weighed myself this morning.
16 stone, five.
Oh, well, turn round.
No, definitely 17, I'm afraid.
It's not easy, is it? And last but not least, Paul.
What are you gonna make me? 20 stone? Don't be silly, Paul.
19 stone, 11.
OK, our buzz word for today is cravings.
Cravings.
Not John Cravings.
We're not talking John Cravings' News Round-Up.
No.
We're talking cravings.
What foods do we get cravings of? Tania, start us off.
- Chocolate.
- Chocolate, yes.
Well done.
Chocolate.
Lovely.
OK.
- Er Johansen? - No, it's Dave.
Sorry, Dave.
I get those two names mixed up.
- Chocolate.
- We've had chocolate.
- Chocolate biscuits.
- They're covered in chocolate.
That's why he likes them.
Yeah, you see, that's why you're so fat, because you don't take it seriously.
- Pat? - Cake.
Yes.
Cake.
We all like a bit of cake, don't we? I know I do.
I love a bit of cake.
I do.
I just like cake.
I'm just one of those people, I come home, and all I want I just love cake.
I love cake.
Cake! I love a bit of cake.
Cake.
Lovely.
Er Mary.
- Fish and chips.
- Sorry? - Fish and chips.
- Doesn't make Again.
- Fish and chips.
- Again.
Oh, forget it.
Must be some sort of dish that we don't get over here.
OK, so, how can we eat the food we crave and still lose weight? Introducing the all-new "FatFighters"' Half-The-Calories Diet.
Yeah? Take the food you like, whether it's your chocolate or your biscuits or your cake Oh, man, I lurve de cake! Or your thing.
Cut it in half, and it's just half the calories.
Yeah? Because it's half the calories, you can have twice as much.
That's just stupid.
You've never gonna lose weight by doing that.
Oh, dear.
19 stone, 12.
If you're thinking of going on holiday and the Arctic is fully booked, why not try Scotland? - This is very good.
- Yes.
I assume it's all made on the premises.
- Enjoying your stay? - Yes.
Very much.
We were just saying how much we like the soup.
Did you make it? Maybe I did and maybe I didn't.
(MERRY TUNE) Well, er - Did you? - Ye-e-es.
It's delicious.
We'd love to make it ourselves.
Ye'd like to know ma secrets, would ye? - Well, yes.
- Have ye ever heard of a thing called butter? - Yes.
- Gold in colour and slippery to the touch.
- Yes, butter.
Anything else? - Ye-e-es.
Did ye ever hear the legend of the seeded fruit that is often mistooken for a veg-e-table? - The tomato? - Red in colour and fleshy within.
But beware of the pips.
They call it the tom-ato.
- Right, the tomato.
Anything else? - Ye-e-es.
Have ye ever heard of such a thing as a cow? A cow, mind.
Let me think.
Yes, I have.
Did ye know it secretes a liquor from its udder? Yes, milk.
Ye know too much.
Ye know too much.
So, anyway, if we start off by the castle I'll leave ye with a riddle.
I am hard, yet soft.
I am coloured, yet clear.
I am fruity and sweet.
I am jelly.
What am I? - Jelly.
- Muse upon it further.
I shall return.
- It's jelly, though, isn't it? - Ye-e-es.
If you have a verruca and would like to share it with others, why not pop down to your local swimming pool? - I want to get in.
- In a minute.
I'll find the lifeguard to help you.
Wait there.
- I want to get in! - In a minute.
Excuse me.
Could you give me a hand? I'm here with a friend who you may have seen is in a wheelchair.
I need a little bit of help getting him in and out of the pool.
Getting him in is not really a kerfuffle.
Getting him out isn't a kerfuffle.
It's relatively kerfuffle-free.
But he does have a slight fear of water.
You know? He likes the water, but he's not a strong swimmer.
It's really doggie paddle, if anything.
We just need to help him get in and out.
I like him to go swimming.
It's good exercise.
You know what I mean? I think it's just a case of me taking the upper body and you maybe taking the legs, the lower body, and just lowering him in very gently.
So, shall we go help him in? Right, how are we gonna do this? - Did you shower? - Yeah.
It's Julia o'clock here in the Welsh mining village of Llandewi Breffi, and out gay man Daffyd Thomas is enjoying a drink.
- Another Bacardi and Coke, please, Myfanwy.
- Coming right up.
- Bloody hell, I'm so down.
- Why is that? It's so hard, being the only gay in the village.
I dream of meeting other gays who understand what it's like to be a gay.
I was gonna tell you.
I was talking to old Ma Evans.
She's got a new lodger from Cardiff.
And guess what? He is a gay.
- What? In the village? - Yes.
I told her to send him over here tonight so you could meet him.
This must be him now.
Hello.
Can I have a Bacardi and Coke, please? Oh, you must be Daffyd.
There you go.
- I'll leave you boys to it.
- No, don't go Just passing through, are you? No, I've got a job here.
I'm looking for somewhere to live.
I saw a very nice cottage, but that's another story! - Is it? - Yes.
And, er you claim to be a gay, do you? Yes, I am.
Mrs Evans said I should talk to you because you're the only gay in the village.
- Now you're not.
Now there's two of us.
- No, you're not a gay.
I am gay.
- I AM gay.
- All right.
Who played Dorothy in "The Wizard of Oz"? (BOTH) Judy Garland.
- How do YOU know that? - Everyone knows that.
This'll get you.
Who is the gay character in "Are You Being Served?"? (ALL) Mr Humphries.
- Was it? - Yes.
That's very subtle, then.
I always thought it was Captain Peacock, with the moustache.
I've passed your gay test, so I must be gay.
No, you are not a gay.
I am the gay.
You're just a bit poofy.
I AM gay.
I've had sex with men.
- That's more than you've had, Daffyd.
- Shut up, Myfanwy! I am the only gay here! - Maybe I should go.
- Yes, back to Cardiff.
- We've got a gay.
We don't need another one.
- Well, goodbye, then.
Provincial queens! Daffyd Thomas, you bloody fool! You could have had a bit of cock there.
"Oh, I'm the only gay in the village.
" You're full of shit, you are.
That's exactly the kind of homophobic attitude I've come to expect in this village! Good day! Now about this essay.
I done it! Yeah.
I have one or two problems with it.
"What was Lord Kitchener's role in World War I?" "No, but yeah.
"In World War I, or summink, there was this bloke, right, called Kitchen, or summink, "or nuffing, who done this fing, but he ain't ne even not done it, so shut up.
"Kathy reckons she saw Candice getting off with Tony" Tozer? - Tozer, yeah.
- "in Foot Locker, but don't listen to her.
"She's got one tit bigger than the other.
" Vicky, this simply won't do.
Why? Is there a problem with spelling? So, Home Secretary, what are your priorities for the next 12 months? I would say the biggest challenge we face now is the increasing influx of Minstrels.
There are too many Minstrels in this country.
I say there's a case for saying that a good deal of them should be sent back to Minstrel Land.
In my constituency over the weekend (CHANGING CHANNELS) # Swanee, how I love ya, how I love ya! # My dear old Swanee! # I'd give the world to be among the folks in D-l-X-l-E # My mammy is waitin' for me, prayin' for me # Down by the Swanee # I think we're gonna need another tin.
In fact, get two.
I hope you've enjoyed tonight's programme.
If you haven't, jot down the names appearing on your screen and make obscene phone calls to them.
There's mine now.
Quick! Until next time, good bike.
(PH0NE RINGS) Hello? No, I'm not wearing any knickers.