Little Mosque on the Prairie (2007) s01e01 Episode Script

Common' common'.
Salam Aleikum.
Let's get inside.
Hello my beautiful darling.
Salam Aleikum, let's hurry up inside.
Thank God, finally our own mosque! No more shifting from one basement to another.
Well done Yasir.
- We can hold our head high - Yes, let's get inside Parish Hall As muslims, we must realize, the ennemy is not only out there, the ennemy is much closer than you think.
The ennemy, is in your kitchen.
Maybe while the ennemy's in here, he could do the dishes.
Shhh, he may have a point.
Dad, Baber never has a point.
My point is this: Wine gums! Dry bread! Liquorice ! Western traps designed to seduce Muslims to drink alcohol! His sermons are going to drive me to drink alcohol.
Patience daughter, this is his last sermon.
The new imam will be on his way very soon.
American Idol! Canadian Idol! I say all idols must be smashed! Desperate Housewives why should they be desperate when they're only performing their natural womenly duties? Hey did you take last night's episode? - It was so good - Yeah Allah is great Sorry I thought this was I'm in the wrong place! Excuse me, wait, just Yes is this the terrorist attack hotline? You want me to hold ? s01e01 : Little Mosque vost english transcript : [dx.]
synch : [dx.]
vidsrc : DSRip.
XviD-aAF [spread it, respect the credits.]
enjoy! Mom, stop it with the guilt No, don't put dad on I've been planning this for months, it's not like I dropped a bomb on them If dad thinks it's suicide, so be it! This is Allah's plan for me.
Oh my I'm not throwing my life away, I'm moving to the prairies.
To run a mosque! Step away from the bag, you're not going to paradise today.
Excuse me, what's going on? You must have the wrong person.
I saw 'em bowing you know, just like on CNN.
They're Muslims, they pray five times a day.
You rented the Parish Hall to a bunch of fanatics? Don't be paranoid, many churches rent spaces to businesses.
This is simply a pilot project.
Pilot? They're training pilots! Calm down Joe, there's nothing sinister about Yasir's construction company.
Osama Bin Laden runned a construction company too! I will not eat cucumber sandwiches during Ramadan! And I will not fill my stomach with lead after a really long day of fasting.
Goat is traditionnal.
A goat is a bearded garburator! Just like your husband.
You like my cucumber sandwiches, don't you? I like all the food my beautiful wife makes.
Yasir, would you please explain to Fatima that the stove here is not big enough to cook a whole goat in And would you tell your wife I won't need a stove, I will roast it on a spit outfront! Outfront, outfront, no no no ! We do not break the fast outfront! Why not? Too many people.
We'll never get a permit.
No goat! Yasir you love goat! Why don't we break the fast in our basement as usual? Why having a new mosque then? It's just Ramadan, why are we making a big meal out of it? Yasir, what do you think? It stands out yes? Why do we need a sign? Everybody already knows it's a mosque! It's beautiful.
Ok, we have to leave, everyone please I have a customer.
Please! Hello, it's so nice of you to come back, how can I help you? My shingles, my roof.
Yes let's get inside my office.
So what was happening in there earlier? That? Imprompt to worship.
Praying, for business to pick up.
Yasir! I have had a brainstorm, we can use a laundry room to wash and shred the dead bodies.
What's the charge? Flying while Muslim ? No, that's not the charge.
I was joking.
Muslims around the world are known for their sense of humour.
I did not know that.
That was another joke.
What is that? Some kind of signal? No, that's because you didn't get the You lived for over a year in Afghanistan.
I was volunteering with a development agency.
Why did you leave your father's law firm? While I was in Egypt, doing my Islamic studies, I found my true calling.
Explosives? Yeah, explosives.
Look, I am going to the town of Mercy to work as an Imam.
You know? Like a priest? Hold on, I can prove it.
I have the ad, that I answered for the job.
You can call the mosque if you like.
If the story doesn't check out, you can deport me to Syria.
Hey, you do not get to chose which country we deport you to.
Could you just call? Allright Mr Rachid, I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt.
If this checks out, you are one tiny step closer to getting out of here.
Hello, you've reached Yasir's construction contracting at our new location, we'll blow away the competition.
Let's get back to your time in Afghanistan.
This is Fred Topper and you're listening to Wake up people ! Joe, reverend Magee claims that he rented the Church Hall to a construction company.
So he claims.
But you know otherwise.
I'm no expert Fred, but when you walk into a room and see a mullah with a beard talking about blowing up Canadian Idol, you've got to figure he's not a roofer.
I mean, what's wrong with Canadian Idol ? Well it's not Canadian Idol they hate Joe, no it's freedom ! I just wanted to redo my shingles like any average normal hardworking Canadian.
Yasir Don't construction companies build things Joe ? I mean these people, destroy.
Man I heard some of them were washing dead people in their laundry room.
But it gets even worse, apparently Muslim kingpin Yasir Hamudi and his wife Sarah just work for the mayor, I mean the scepticals are everywhere, wake up people ! Sarah, you're supposed to spin the news, not be the news ! This has got Yasir written all over it, he's up to something.
Call the police, they'll put you on whitness protection.
Anne, Yasir is not a terrorist.
Oh I cant of course not ! I can't believe you think that, I mean Yasir's even a card carrying conservative.
You're right it's ridiculous.
Thank you.
Or really elaborate cover.
I'm joking.
Nevertheless, you better find out what the hell is going on.
I will get the truth out of him.
I can work with the truth but only as our last resort.
I can't believe you lied to reverend Magee and to me.
- Darling - Hi sweetie.
Hello beautiful.
Honey, I'm a contractor, contractors don't lie.
I don't understand why you didn't just tell them about the mosque.
Yes, this is a good one.
Reverend, I would like to run a mosque out of your Parish Hall, would you like to tell Jesus or shall I? So you said nothing, that's just great! Because I thought you'd be angry.
Look, ladies, beautiful women, I called a hundred places, no one would rent to a mosque.
They aren't one hundred places in Mercy.
How many times do I have to tell you that lies only work when they are half true? What would work for you darling, fifty? - No - Thirty? - No - Twenty two! Yes twenty two is great.
Am I adopted? Please tell me I'm adopted.
I can't believe you drive the whole town to this, including the mayor.
What's the new imam going to think of all this? The new imam ! I was supposed to pick him up at the mosque.
Oh hey dad, did you called a hundred imams before you found this guy? You're both going to love him: honest, upright ex-lawyer.
What is your relationship with this mosque? Hang on, let me pay I just need to ask you a couple of questions.
What is your comment on the scandal? What scandal? What do you have to say about the terrorists allegations? Look, the cops had no evidence against me.
The cops? Who are you? I'm Amaar Rachid, I'm the new imam It's like a priest or a rabbi, only browner.
So are you denying that you're a terrorist? - You hired a terrorist? - I did not hire a terrorist.
A very good looking one.
Good looking terrorist, isn't that an oxymoron? Who are you people? Where is Yasir? Salam Aleikum, I am Yasir Hamudi.
And this is my wife Sarah and my beautiful daughter Rayyan.
Welcome to our little mosque on the prairie.
Yasir we need to talk that message on your machine about blowing people away.
Oh I know I told him to, you've gotta change that! People love the message.
Blowing people away? Are you part of a sleeper cell? Don't answer that! What is your connection to Al Quaeda? What is your connection to journalism? All right, you know what? Show's over, let's go? Are you from Saudi Arabia? No, I'm from Toronto! Toronto? Even better! This story is huge.
Ok let's go, everyone in the car, please common'.
Oh you know what ? My eyes were shut.
Ok that's right.
Throw the bags in the back.
Sarah please, in the car, get in the back.
Holy Terror This is awful.
You haven't even tasted it.
No, not your food, this! How do I prepare for ramadan when the whole town is in an uproar? What were you people thinking? This is that converted Sarah's fault.
Tell me, aren't goats more traditionnal than cucumbers? You've lost me.
I thought you were supposed to be the big shot imam! You don't even look like an imam.
You look like a kid.
Can I get a low-fat cappucino? We don't make low-fat cappucino.
Ok I'll take a regular one.
We don't make regular.
You don't make capuccino? There is your cappucino.
What am I doing here? Who is this Amaar Rachid? What is he really doing here? This is Fred Well maybe he has your answer to Wake up, People! It will all blow over, I promise.
You only want to fit in with one culture, that's why you rented a church isn't it? So you can turn us all into christians.
You're just upset because you don't get to play imam anymore.
You think I'm too orthodox? That I scare the right folks? Who got us on the frontpage of the newspaper? Non other than Mr secular Yasir, and his hot shot Toronto imam.
If he had the guts to show his face I - Salam aleikum - Aleikum salam You were saying I was saying that this is a mess! The church is going to evict us any day.
Let me take a look at the lease, I used to practice law you know, maybe I can find a loophole, in the meantime our real problem here is optics.
Oh a lawyer and an eye doctor, very good.
Trust me, I can handle this.
Are you a terrorist? - No I - You object to the term? Of course I do! Oh you prefer Moudjahiddin? YesNo! I mean look Fred, I came here to clear the air, you know, to get a word in.
Oh please, feel free to give as good as you get, that's the privilege of living in a country with freedom.
Freedom? To do what? Fan the flames of hatred? Isn't that muslim preachers like yourself that would do that? I got news for you, Johnny Jihad, folks around here will not sit back and let that happen.
You can bet your falafel on that.
I call on reverend Magee to turn you and your gang out of the church hall by sundown.
Yasir, this is reverend Magee again, we need to talk about this lease.
Sundown? What is this? The Wild West? You count that well my little bedouin buckaroo, you're not in the big city anymore.
Oh I've noticed, does anyone in this town knows how to make a cappucino? Oh you're saying we're ignorants? Some of you yes, in fact, I've never seen so much small town ignorants in my life.
Oh if he hates it here so much, why doesn't he go back to Toronto? Yes a one-way ticket to Toronto? Amaar Rachid.
Yes, I'll hold.
Can a muslim book a one way flight these days without someone has to call his supervisor? Oh you poor thing, racial profiling, making it very difficult for you to run away.
What am I supposed to do? I don't know, wait let me ask the imam oh wait, he's running away! Look, I screwed up, ok? No, it is not ok, you were supposed to well, you were the guy I dreamed about Ryyan, it's not really appropriate for me.
Get over yourself, I dreamed about you for a mosque, you know, a progressive imam, born here in Canada.
I thought you'd dragged us into the modern world, or at least the eleventh century.
Yes, so did I, that's why I gave up being a lawyer.
Oh, I figured you just sucked at that too.
You can't leave Amaar, not when your congregation is in there right now, having it's annual cage match to figure out when to start ramadan.
I'm sorry, I'll miss that, you know when I was a kid, my parents never fasted, they're huge.
They hung up on me! See? that's a sign! You get in there an be the imam.
Ok.
The crescent of the new moon must be observed with the eye, just as the prophet did.
I don't think the prophet had a telescope from Costco.
Look, we do this every year.
Now I'm no expert Which is clear to us every year.
but why don't we just log to mooncycle.
com and let the starvation begin.
Why don't we do what the christians do, pick up a month and stick to it, I mean what's wrong with December, shorter days for fasting and way way better shopping.
Unfortunately for you mom, Islam is not based on the shopping cycle.
Traditionnally, ramadan begins when the new moon is seen in Saudi Arabia.
The Saudis couldn't find the moon unless there was oil sparkling out of it.
We must call Saudi Arabia! No no no no one's calling Saudi Arabia on my phone! Can I jump in here please? After all, I am the imam, right? Ok, brother Amaar, so what do we do? Well, in Toronto forget.
No no no, tell us how they do it, in Toronto.
Does ramadan begins when the bell rings at the stock exchange? You know what, forget Toronto, this is Mercy, and in this mosque, I decide how ramadan begins.
Baber, it's time to give up this telescope.
- I am going to give you a hand.
- Good.
So we're going with the telescope, I win.
Oh you're so lame.
For the love of god, is the sun ever going to set, we've been waiting here since eight thirty You're in the middle of the prairies, it's going to take a while.
This could have been such a nice mosque.
We fought too hard, we can't turn back, you have to find a loophole.
Oh, reverend Magee is coming, you have to do something.
- What? - Sue him! You can't just sue people for no reason.
Well, allright, you can, but I'm not doing that anymore.
I can't loose my office or the mosque.
Reverend Magee I heard you on the radio the other day, you sure sounded like a horse's ass.
Thank you.
Oh, I've been trying to give this to Yasir.
I know Yasir misrepresented the community, but no, please, wait, let me finish I was hoping you let us stay, cuz religious and racial hatred will destroy the world if men of spirituality, men like ourselves Amaar, will all do respect shut up! I'm not evicting you, this is a new lease that reflects the true nature of your multi-purpose activities.
But if you're planning to open a bowling alley, give me a heads up.
Thanks but why? When the Fred Topper Show tells me to do something, I tend to do the opposite.
There was never an issue with your congregation? Come to my Sunday sermon this week, I'm lucky if I can fill the first two rows.
May have been god who said : let there be light.
But it's me who pays the electric bills.
Thanks In this 9th month of the muslim calendar, we are asked to examine ourselves with a critical eye, and if we can't, there are lots of people around to do it for us, I may not be the best imam in the world, but I've learnt a lot about humility this week.
And I've done a pretty excellent job of it if I do say so myself.
I was a game waker at ramadan, I'm starving.
Cucumber sandwiches coming through - Hi Sarah.
- Hi Anna, do you want a cucumber sandwich? Hell, I thought, you know, ramadan meal would be a little more exotic.
Goat curry is ready, excuse me.
What is that wonderful smell? It's tradition, and tradition always smells better.
Mayor Popowitz, I'd like to introduce our new imam, Amaar.
Pleased to meet you.
Hi, my first few days in office were no picnic either.
Fred Topper kept referring to me as the "she-mayor".
Sorry goat? Thank you.
Hi.
You know when I pictured you coming back to the church, this isn't exactly what I had in mind.
Well reverend, you can't win 'em all.
Well if you ever change your mind, please let me know, cuz I really miss these little sandwiches.
I'm so glad, I have hundreds.
Well Yasir, I hope you've learnt that honesty is the best policy Hush, hush, that brings me to your salary.
I'm going to be flexible.
Good cuz we don't have much money.
- How much money? - We're broke.
I'm not that flexible.
Well if you must leave, I'm sure they will understand.
But it seems to me you've become attached to our little community.
Why don't you tell me before I left Toronto that you hadn't any money? I'm being honest now.
Yasir, you have to learn the difference between honesty and emotional blackmail.
And who better to teach me than you brother Amaar? Who better? [dx.]
[spread it, respect the credits.]