Loaded (2017) s01e01 Episode Script
Lawsuit
1 The balance of your account is ã791.
34p overdrawn.
Oh! [SINGS A FEW NOTES.]
[SINGS OFF-KEY.]
The balance of your account is ã791.
34p overdrawn.
The balance of your account is ã14,578,324.
66p in credit.
ã14,578,324.
66p in credit.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS.]
[HE YELLS.]
Leon, are you OK? We fucking made it, boys! [HE THROWS UP.]
Yessssss! Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you! Bom bom bom From Leon and all the boys at Idle Hands Games, we'd like to offer you this harmonious, ceremonious and acrimoniously melodious ALL: Fuck you.
- Ah, beautiful.
- Don't even remember that one.
Yeah, you do, we went to him for investment and he said he wasn't quite sure about us.
Guess what? Boom, you've been smug bombed.
- How many more of these, Ewan? - About nine.
Basically anyone who has ever doubted us disrespected us or mispronounced our names.
- The bald man from HSBC.
- He said we couldn't have a loan.
We're driving 70 miles to Oxford to swear at a bald man from HSBC? He moved.
Leon made me track him down.
Look, can we just get to my parents, please? I said we'd be there.
Yeah, all right.
But we're doing the rest tomorrow.
Ewan, put a circle around the bald man, the bald man does not get a free ride.
- Can I vape in the Ferrari? - No, you cannot vape in the Ferrari.
Put your money where your mouth is Or you ain't saying nothin' Put your money where your mouth is Or you ain't saying nothin' Put your money where your mouth is Or you ain't saying a damn thing Mum! Dad! - Ooh! I didn't mean to - Hey.
Hang on, one minute.
Oh, here we go.
- Hey.
Well done, I'm proud of you.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks, Dad.
Cheers.
- Oh, Leon.
So, so we have got Prosecco for the boys, and an energy drink for Watto.
- There you go, darling.
- Thank you.
Good.
- So, cheers.
- Cheers! Right, come on then.
What have you spent it on? Vengeance.
Mostly vengeance, and a Ferrari.
- Oh! - And I just got an offer accepted on a narrow boat, then I found out it was in Ireland, so I might have to get that shipped over.
Can you get a boat shipped over? I'm thinking of throwing caution to the wind and finally - going zorbing, possibly, maybe.
- What's that? Zorbing? It's basically where you roll down a hill in a giant inflatable ball.
Now that I think about it, it sounds quite awful, so I probably won't bother.
I bought a new pair of jeans that I basically hate, also This is for you.
- Oh.
- Is this the mortgage? Just open it.
- Free at last.
- Bit nervous.
- No, don't be nervous.
- Thank you.
- Oh.
- It's a three-month world trip, every site of cultural significance across the globe.
- Uganda? - Yes, Uganda.
The pearl of Africa.
I just thought it'd be nice, you know, instead - of going to Florida every year.
- We like Florida.
- Yeah.
- You'll like the Yemen.
We're going to the Yemen? Guys, the world a big place and this is my gift to you.
My gift is the world.
Right.
And I'm giving you 50 grand spending money.
- What? - Oh, my God.
- Leon.
- Wow.
- Oh, my God, that's unbelievable.
- Oh, you're welcome.
- Very nice of you.
- Thanks very much Leon.
- Welcome.
- No need for that.
Thank you.
Oh my God, I'm in shock.
Oh, Linda, you made us a roast dinner? - Linda, you total diamond.
- Come on, everyone, need to go through.
I made you your wheat-free Yorkshire puddings, Ewan.
Oh, Linda, on behalf of my irritable bowel, a thousand thank yous.
- Oh! - [MOBILE BLEEPS.]
Shit.
Purchases are down.
- Which purchases? - All of them.
As of right now, nobody can make any in app purchases.
Relax, it's fine.
Just call the office - and let them deal with it.
- Yeah, yeah, it's fine.
- It'll be fine.
- By the way, - still playing it, yeah? Level 139.
- Hey! You know what, though, it's not fine though actually, is it? Because it's broken.
Cat Factory, as a game, is borderline unplayable.
Can we not just enjoy this? Mum, Dad, I'm sorry, we're going to have to go back to the office.
- Oh - Thank you, I'm sorry.
Enjoy Bolivia.
Guys.
- Leon, can I - No, you cannot eat that in the Ferarri.
[CHEERING.]
Hey! Hey, if I can just have a couple of minutes.
As you know, - purchases are down.
- Speech.
Yeah! Come on, speech! Probably not the right time for a speech.
We should probably thank everyone, though.
To my brothers and sisters in art and animation, all hail to the pixel flickers! And to the coders, because this isn't about us, - least of all me, but - Also, there's a couple of additional fuck yous people we haven't been able to track down or have since died.
Ah, Susan Wall, Steven and James Rutherford, and everyone at Currys PC World Camberwell branch.
Fuck you! But what we mustn't lose sight of is Cat Factory, and our ongoing commitment to its user base.
And as a massive thank you to you all, we are going to throw one gigantic party! [CHEERING.]
- We're getting in Daft Punk! - Yeah! We will, we will definitely do that, Daft Punk, or someone in the Daft Punk wheel house.
But, as I said, purchases are down, so, um, if we could just all just consider the situation.
I mean, why don't we all just have a nice Corona and put on some EDM music while we try and fix this? We'll get some limes.
Can we get some limes for the beers? We're going to get some limes for the beers.
Yeah, rock and roll, Josh.
So, good.
This is it.
Theo, good work.
John Jennings, always top of the class.
Good work, guys.
Paula, I was going to say I think we should recheck the code for a move transaction listener.
- Yes.
- I just thought, yeah.
So, how come you were up at the front just now, for the speeches? - Just wanted to say thanks.
- Ok.
It's just, sorry It's just funny because it was the three co-founders and then it was you.
Yeah, there are four co-founders.
Yes, I would be the fourth.
- Oh.
- Sergeant Muggins.
Oh, right.
It's just, well So Sorry, how come you're not in any of the photos? Oh, Leon thinks I'm quite deadening visually.
He thinks I've got quite a deadening brown aura.
And he's essentially correct.
- Oh, my God, you're a millionaire? - Yes.
Yes, I've got ã14 million, plus another ã29 million in stock options.
Yes.
- Well, you know, it's not a big deal.
- No.
I mean, you know, it's a big deal in terms of the bigness of the deal.
I'm not a big deal.
Also the stock options are performance-related anyway, so knowing me, I probably won't ever get them and even then, I won't be able to get my hands on them for like three whole years, which isn't that long but who cares anyway? It's only money.
Well done me.
Well done me on making a load of money for coding a stupid smartphone game about cats.
Big pat on the back for Ewan.
Hey, congratulations.
18,000.
Sorry? I'm going to give you a bonus on the spot of 18,000 in money.
- What? Seriously? Are you serious? - Yes.
OK, yes.
- I've said it.
- Ewan, oh That's, that's insanely generous! Yeah, it really is.
It's insane.
It's absolutely mental.
Thank you! Cheers! Ah! Bye.
Right, I'm going to take the marketing team down to Sky Lounge.
- We're no use here.
- Sky Lounge in your Ferrari, with your Viking helmet? You know, you are the least subtle millionaire since the monopoly man.
You coming? Come on.
No, I'm going to stay here till this is fixed.
Mate, you don't need to worry about any of this any more.
It's fun time.
Two words baby mansion, hovercrafts.
Leon, they own us now.
We belong to them now, for the next three years.
If Casey knew we were slacking off like this already, she'd go barking bonk shit.
Oh, this is just like you.
You've just been handed a lovely big jar of ointment, big tub of luxury body butter, and you're looking for the fly in it, and you can't find one.
Everything is great, and it's killing you.
Well, my jeans are a bit fucking pinchy, so there's that.
Mate, we did it.
It's time to start living.
Where my marketing team at?! [SHOUTING.]
Shake! Let's go! [SINGING.]
Shake it, yo! Shake, yo! [SHOUTING AND SINGING.]
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hey, Josh, this is weird.
Well, I was at a loose end and I thought I'd give you a call.
Saw the deal went through.
I'm 8% genuinely happy for you.
Wow, thank you.
And I'm about 4% jealous, 9% bitter, 2% indifferent, and 38% just quite hungry.
Well, speaking of being hungry, I was wondering if you'd like to come to lunch sometime? Oh, OK, I get it.
You want to flaunt yourself at me, take me to a fancy restaurant, in your big, gold trousers.
Abby, I promise I will not wear my big gold trousers, all right? But, I might wear my tasteful platinum cut offs, with just a hint of cheek exposed.
Well, guess what? I'll allow it.
You can flaunt yourself.
Two rules no intercourse, no recriminations.
It's a shame.
Because those are two things I seem to remember we werepretty good at.
- Hello? - No, I'm just eating a bagel.
Send me a calendar invite.
Yes! Yeah! Woohoo! Yeah! - [OPERA MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Oh! Just having my morning champagne bath.
How many bottles of Is that Dom Perignon? Jesus, Leon.
What's wrong with Cava? I'm not bathing in Cava, Josh, I'm not an animal.
- Who wants a glass? - Of what, sorry? Champagne that's been swirling around your actual anus? - That's a no from me.
- Come on, Joshy, - do this with me.
- What, you think I'm getting in there? Come on, man, just this one thing! Come on! Oh, all right.
OK, little uncomfortable with ambient nudity levels so I'm just going to Oh, ha, ha It's cold and it's sticky and it's fizzing around my balls.
And it feels lovely.
It feels like success.
- To us.
- To us.
Cheers.
[DOOR BELL RINGS.]
- Adam Watson? - This is he.
You've been served.
I knew it! The second I let joy into my heart, it all comes tumbling down.
Josh, this is a badge of honour.
We're being sued.
We're certified, suable.
- We made it.
- Why is there mayonnaise on the writ? Because I dropped the writ into mayonnaise.
Who's Ross Buttock? Watto? Why is he suing us? You remember Ross.
He was that guy who used to come round our flat.
He used to wear that hat with all the free AOL CDs on it.
- Not the Druid guy? - What Druid guy? It was when you were still living at your mum's and me and Watto had the flat above the clown school.
He wasn't an actual Druid, it was just a nickname.
- What was his nickname? - Ross The Grumpy Druid.
That's who's suing us? Your old friend, Ross The Grumpy Druid? Well, Ross, because that was his name, and Grumpy because sometimes he was a little bit grumpy, and Druid, because, you know - He used to sell magic mushrooms.
- It says copyright infringement.
See, that's what I don't understand.
Unless he's saying that he should get royalties for all the ideas I had when I was high on his stuff.
I mean, he can't do that, can he? Because then I basically owe him everything.
Hi.
Hello, everybody.
I've got Casey in the other room for you.
And she's like - Sorry, who are you? - Oh, God.
Sorry.
Naomi.
Casey's assistant.
And she'd really like to see you.
- All of us? - Just Josh and Leon, actually, thanks.
Obviously.
Quite right.
- Thanks.
- Who have I got? Hey, Casey, you're on with Leon and Josh.
Is there anyone in the room who isn't in my field of vision? - No.
- Spin me round.
I don't believe you.
Put me back down.
Now, talk to me about getting sued.
Casey, I've got everything in hand, trust me.
Sorry, which hand, Leon? Which hand is it in? Is it in the hand that's gripping the shaft of the giant penis that's being shoved into my eye again and again and again? Huh? Here's how I want you to think of me from now on, OK? I want you to think of me as the sexy Darth Vader.
Cos yesterday, you got bought out by The Empire.
And behind me, there's an emperor.
- Talk to me about Adam Watson.
- Watto? You know Watto.
He's been in all the meetings.
I know Watto eats a lot of fruit in the meetings.
- I also know he's getting me sued.
- Erm Yeah.
He's a He's a Watto is the secret brains behind us.
The boy is a genius.
I mean, he basically invented Cats as a thing.
I mean, you know, he had his - problems with substance abuse.
- No, OK.
But we were young! We were young, we were kids I want it settled.
Today.
I'm sending over a lawyer.
Casey, there's no need.
I'm a firefighter.
I got it.
Hey, hey.
Do you hear this, Leon? [SHE BREATHES LIKE DARTH VADER.]
That's sexy Darth Vader breathing down your neck, only not in a sexy way.
You're meeting their team at 12.
Don't be late.
Leon, where are we going? This isn't the way to the lawyer's office.
Mate, it's a quick detour.
Give me five minutes.
[MUSIC PLAYS.]
It's great, right? Because I saw it and I was like, yes, this is a spot! 200-foot rumpus house.
Nice place.
Long and clean.
Semi-circular.
Pleasingly geometric.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Really good acoustics.
- Oh! Oh! Really good.
- Yes, Watto, love that.
So, shall I push the button? - We'll take it, right? - Well, I'm in.
We've got the legal equivalent of Dutch elm disease, - and we're out shopping for houses? - I'll take a room, although I'm probably moving to a Centre Parcs at some point.
I thought you bought a narrow boat? I did, but I've always wanted a permanent base at Centre Parcs.
You know, sort of like an oasis of calm, only with a pool and badminton.
Watto, you can't live at Centre Parcs.
Well, they say that, but if you're careful about it, say, move chalets every third week and then start shifting locations, three months in Woburn, three months in the New Forest, it is actually possible to spend 12 months of the year living in Centre Parcs.
Yeah, if you don't mind living like a fugitive refugee.
- Which I don't.
- You're going to commute, are you? From Centre Parcs everyday on your narrow boat? It is actually a highly fucking commutable waterway, Ewan.
And who are you? The Department for Transport? Josh.
Come on, Josh.
OK.
Cards on the table, I think I'm going to get my own place.
- Oh, right.
- That's a shame.
But who's going to sort out the Ocado? I don't know.
Do it yourself.
Yep, obviously I can do that, but it's just you've got all the favourites set up in your account.
It's fine.
I just thought it would be nice, you know? - Daytona.
- Yeah.
Daytona.
They same one from the bowling alley.
I tracked it down.
It's still got our lap times on it and everything, but it doesn't matter.
- I'll tell them we don't want it.
- Right.
We should get going then, eh? [MUSIC PLAYS.]
Don't stress.
Just enjoy the view.
I've got places to be, Leon.
- I'm having lunch with Abbey.
- You're seeing Abbey? What? No, nothing, it's just first you're getting your own place, and now lunch with Abbey.
It's weird, because it was only a year ago she was breaking your heart.
That was pretty rough on you, mate.
Joss, we just made it.
You've been handed your plate, your clean plate.
Don't just fill it up with the first thing you see.
Classy.
Comparing women to buffet items.
They're ready for you now.
Come on.
Thanks for coming in.
Who have I got? This is Adam Watson, Josh Connors, Leon Harper and, sorry, which one are you again? Ewan.
Ewan Fox.
I can't see you named anywhere on the writ.
Well, I should be.
Absolutely.
Absolutely should be named on the writ.
Well, she's right, you're not here, so technically you don't need to be here.
Well Let's just pencil me on the writ and proceed, shall be? We're alleging intellectual theft.
Back in 2009, your client stole the core idea of making a game about cats.
If you'd like to See, what did I tell you? Look at the evidence.
- A wizard's forearm.
- I'm not a wizard.
We have photographs that prove that that tattoo predates the video game, and in terms of similarity to the finished design Yeah, see, it does look a bit the same.
If I could just have a moment with my clients? OK, show's over.
Let's just stare him down and watch him crumble.
Watto, I'm only going to ask you this once.
- Did you steal it? - No.
No way.
Although 2009 was a bit of a heavy one for me.
So, what? You're not sure? - Christ.
- Shit.
Oh, my God.
That's huge.
OK, no, he didn't, and I know he didn't because he's a genius.
In here, that's where Cats came from.
- Isn't that right, Watto? - Yeah, right.
OK, let me tell you how this is going to go.
It is going to go to trial, and they're going to drag it out, and they will wear you down over years and years and years, and the night before, you will cave, because that's what people like you always do, and then you'll end up giving them whatever they want.
- They can hear us.
- So, what are you saying? Chocolate.
I'm saying pay now, take the hit, save yourself the ulcer.
- Chocolate.
- Ewan, what are you doing? Just trying to see if they can hear us.
By whispering chocolate? He's not a fucking Labrador.
We listen to the grown-up.
We bite our tongue and we just settle.
I might ask Paul if I can get my 18 grand bonus back.
Yeah, I really would like my bonus back now.
- I really have to go.
- Now? - You're going now? - You'll be fine.
And leave it to him.
No winging it.
You're flightless birds.
Grebes.
Flightless birds.
The South African grebe.
So, having had a brief conversation with my client, we would be prepared to talk about a small settlement.
Great.
He also wants a credit along with two percentage - points on domestic - Wait, he wants a credit? In recognition of his significant contribution to your joint success.
He didn't do anything.
We did.
Eight years of hard work.
Ewan sat down for so long he got a bedsore.
- That's factually correct.
- We can haggle - about the credit later.
- No, no, we can't.
We want the credit, a percentage of future royalties.
We'd be happy to talk about the credit.
- No, we wouldn't.
- We'd like to leave the - credit on the table.
- I'm taking the credit off the table.
I'm authorised to go over his head.
- No, you're not.
- So, you can just ignore him, because this comes straight from Casey Renhard.
It does, yeah.
And we would like to leave the credit on the table.
Well, I am snapping the legs off the table and I am eating the table.
That's me doing that.
See you in court, bucko.
Sorry.
A bit of an emergency at work.
But it's cool, it's all sorted.
This place is amazing.
But I take it you're paying for it, cos these prices are total fucking bullshit.
What are you doing? I'm just perusing the wine list.
Is that right? Perusing? Please don't do that, it's really nice paper.
See this bit on the right-hand side with all the numbers on it? Don't need that bit any more.
So, what, you mean I can order a wine that I actually want? Yeah.
No more just ordering the second from the top.
- Cos that's what I always do.
- Go down.
I'm talking fourth, fifth, sixth one down.
Or how about this one? Number nine, tannins.
Oh, I love tannins.
What's tannins? I don't know.
But we'll find out.
Waiter?! Hi.
This one, please.
- Bottle of.
- Sure.
- Bosh.
- Boom.
Boom.
Even better.
And I just want to say Thanks and sorry.
Um, I know things got a bit weird between us with work and stuff It wasn't your work, Josh, it was you.
Your total inability to have fun.
Even when I take you to Berlin for your 30th.
I told you, I was crying about the Berlin Wall.
No, you were crying because of that review that said your video game had terrible controls.
It didn't say it had terrible controls.
Don't get me wrong, Josh, I quite like men who cry.
But you were crying a lot.
Just running around crying like a big town crier.
I was under a lot of pressure.
We all are, Josh, just some of us find the time to have, say, six minutes of fun two times a week.
Like, I love The Smiths.
- Yeah.
- Really love them.
I love them more than I love my mum's dog.
But I can't listen to them for ever.
Sometimes I need a bit of Katy Perry.
Well, that's me now.
You know, fun, fun, fun.
I'm basically Katy Perry with a semi-beard and a penis.
I'm, I'm enjoying myself.
- How? - I bought a new pair of jeans that I actually really like.
And I'm going to get my own place.
- Away from the guys.
- Is that right? Yeah, I'm going to stop being such a grey cloud and get myself together, you know? And if you wanted to do I'm fucking Greg.
- Who's Greg? - Townsend.
- Who's Greg Townsend? - The guy that I'm fucking Seeing Going out Oh, sorry.
That came out all wrong.
- I didn't mean for it to slip - No.
It's fine.
I think I knew that anyway.
I wasn't suggesting that we uh Well You OK? Risotto looks good.
I've just got to make a quick call.
[ANSWER PHONE.]
: You have one new message.
Message one.
ã750 for a bottle of wine! - Bloody tannins! - Josh.
He wanted a credit.
- He's not getting one.
- Great.
Bag.
Bag.
[MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Hey, Paula.
- Hi.
Sashimi.
You are pushing the boat out.
Yeah.
Just fancied it.
Yeah.
No, great.
That's brilliant.
So, listen, apropos the little bonus.
There's been a tiny change in my personal circumstances.
I mentioned something to Sam about it, only because I just assumed that he'd be getting the same.
I just thought, why would it only be me getting the bonus? I've only been here two months.
Oh, totally cool.
Good.
Right, OK.
Hey, Sam.
Um I'd like to give you ã18,000.
Hey, Emily.
I'd like to give you ã18,000.
- Good, well that's been - Brilliant.
Hey, Barney.
I'd like to give you ã18,000.
In fact, let me just Hey, everyone.
Ah! Hey, everyone.
Um Ewan.
I, I work here.
I founded Co-founded I'm nothing, really, but here I am.
Anyway, I'd like to give all of you, if poss, up to you, but ã18,000, really.
- [ALL EXCLAIM.]
- I just really would like to do that.
- OK? - [EXCITED CHATTER.]
Oh, Sally.
Lovely sarnies.
I'd like to give you, I suppose, yes, ã18,000.
Thank you.
OK.
Ewan, what was that? Um, Paula didn't know who I was so I gave her 18 grand and then everyone found out and Well, they all know who you are now, mate.
You're the man that gives them ã18,000.
Yep.
That's me, that's who I am.
I'm the guy who's just given away somewhere in the region of half a million pounds.
Oh.
There she blows.
Do excuse me.
She who must be obeyed.
Are you OK? God, that was so stressful.
I was, like, what?! My hands are gushing.
Touch them, they still feel damp.
I'm fine.
I just need to commune with the mighty Java bean.
It's all over the internet, about the lawsuit.
I think she must have leaked it.
- The other guy's lawyer.
- Christ.
You know, the best thing you could do right now is to sack it all off - and go to the pub.
- Uh, probably not a great idea.
I have historically struggled to stop at just one, if not, indeed, seven.
Me and the girls from the office, when it's been a hard morning, lunchtime Afternoon, hit a bit of a sleepy patch around three, cheeky livener in the toilet.
- Hello again.
- [PHONE BEEPS.]
Uh-oh.
Casey's on the horn.
This cannot be good news.
Drama.
Have you been online? How did my name get caught up in this fucking Leon, I left you with very strict instructions.
Well, maybe if you hadn't been out on your - eternal lunch with your phone off.
- It's online.
Reuters.
[HE GROANS.]
Well then, it's over, isn't it? Were going to end up in a car park sucking dick.
Me, crouched behind a Mazda with a cock in my mouth.
Josh, he wanted a credit, he doesn't deserve it.
No! No-one does, Leon.
No-one deserves ã40 million for a cat game that mums play on the toilet.
These jeans! I'm just going to take them off.
Don't.
Don't do that.
Please.
Me again.
Hi.
Hello.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad juju, but I've got Casey again.
She just wants Leon.
Leon.
How are you enjoying your money? I like it.
Quite a lot.
Bought a Ferrari.
You bought a Ferrari? Jesus Christ.
What is this, 1989? Holy shit, Gordon Gekko, why did you buy a Ferrari? What are you listening to in your Ferrari, Leon? The best of Phil Collins? Oh, my God.
A Prius.
Leon, everyone drives a Prius, that's just basic.
I mean, Zuckerberg's in a smart car, for God sakes.
I need you to fire Watto.
I can't fire Watto.
I need a skull, Leon.
Someone's to blame.
Cos this is out there now.
It's online.
Watto's a liability, so he has to go.
Either it's on Watto or it's on all of you.
So, if this goes to court and we lose, we are all going to have to pay 1.
175 million each.
Pounds.
Each.
And how much would that leave us with, individually? - 13.
3.
- Oh! Then you take out the half-million for the bonuses, plus the deposit for the zorbing, which is non-refundable 12.
8.
Day one, and I'm already down to ã12.
8 million.
Now I'm the arsehole who sits around moaning about only having ã12.
8 million.
- Fabulous.
- What did Casey say? Nothing.
She wants us to get rid of Watto.
What? Fire Watto? No way! We're not doing it.
Yeah, I didn't say we were doing it.
It's either him or us.
- Right, so you're considering it.
- I didn't say that, did I? - Where is Watto? - Naomi? - Have you seen Watto? - Yeah.
- I think he's gone to the pub.
- Why would he - have gone to the pub? - I told him to.
I said just blow it off, get wasted, and forget everything.
- Shit.
Get him on the phone.
- Oh, my God! Oh, no.
Was that not the right thing to do? - It's just going to answerphone.
- An Uber receipt's been e-mailed to the business account.
What's he doing out there? Get the Ferrari.
Leon.
All this stuff with Casey.
Who the hell have sold ourselves to? I think it's this one.
Oh, God.
You can't see just feet, can you? If you can see just feet, that's usually a bad thing.
Oh, Jesus, what have I done? Nothing fills the void.
Nothing.
So, I got in a cab and I asked him to bring me to the river, and on the way we went past this place.
You know Birkenstocks? They're like sandals for ponces.
There was a shop and Don't get me wrong, I like them, I'm just not crazy about them.
I went in the shop and I said "I want all of them.
" Like, all of them.
Like, every single one of them.
In all the sizes.
Yeah.
That is a considerable amount of sandals.
But you're all right, though, yeah? You're clean? I'm all right.
It's just the shoes.
I felt bad.
Like I let you down.
Like I let my own personal bullshit affect you guys.
It's not like that, mate.
Just call us next time.
So we can say, "Sure, buy yourself some sandals.
"Just not in such vast quantities.
" It's just a quick hit.
A splurge.
I don't know, man.
It's just a different way of filling that hole.
Actually What? What? Josh, just trust me, yeah? I got us this far, didn't I? Yeah.
Look where we are on a barge with sandals.
Leon.
This is definitely going to work, right? It has to work for Watto.
Yes, Josh, this is going to work.
[HE KNOCKS.]
Ross.
Get out here, mate.
- Our lawyer said not to talk to you.
- I bet she did.
Leon's got an offer for you.
Haven't you, Leon? Come with me, Ross.
Ewan, give it the revs! OK.
One second.
Ah [HORN TOOTS.]
- Sor Hang on.
- [CAR REVS.]
Fucking O'Riley.
We can just save ourselves a headache and shake hands right here, right now.
I don't want it.
No deal.
No? All right.
Plus 20 grand in cash, but that is my final offer.
Not interested.
OK.
Fine.
What else can we offer him, Leon? You might want to pop out a second, boys.
OK, Leon, what the fuck is that? There's something you should know about me, Ross.
I am basically the pettiest, most spiteful man in the world.
OK.
We need to talk about this.
The point is, Ross, I will burn the 200 grand sports car outside your house before I let you get the better of me and my mates.
Nah.
You won't do it.
No way.
Yeah, you're probably right.
OK, yeah, we've got to get back.
My fingers are getting warm, Ross.
Ross, take the Ferrari.
Take the quick hit.
I know you don't have the stomach for the long game.
I'll take it! I'll take it! The car and the money! Good choice, mate.
Owner's manual's in the glove box.
What the hell, Leon? That was amazing, man.
What about the car? You love that car.
I was thinking of getting a Prius anyway.
So, what do we do now? Call a taxi.
Forget a taxi, mate, we could hail a helicopter.
[THEY LAUGH.]
Yeah, give me your gold coins! I will take them to bed with me.
Oh, you absolute knob, Watto! That's just rank bad manners.
Ewan, I've got your back.
Booshka! I bossed you, - my friend! - Wanker! Get off! My jeans! My jeans are pinchy.
- [PHONE RINGS.]
- Leon, it's yours.
It's Casey.
It's Casey.
Boys, relax.
I've got this.
Casey.
Sorted.
I told you I'd take care of it.
Great work, Leon.
I'm coming over.
I'm coming over to the UK.
Wait, what for? It's all sorted now.
Leon, you really think we're going to spend 300 million acquiring you and then just leave you alone? Sorry.
You can't see, but I'm highly amused by this.
I'll be over in two days.
If you got any bodies lying around, I'd fire up the wood chipper.
Oh, my God, she absolutely hates us.
Everyone hates us now.
That's just the facts.
It's like we're in one of them light aircraft crashes and all the passengers die, it's on the news and everyone's like, "Oh, boo-hoo.
"What was the Everton score again?" Nobody cares.
Because only rich people can afford to fly around in little planes, and nobody likes rich people.
Including me.
And I'm one of them.
So, in theory, I hate myself.
And you.
And you.
So, in summary, fuck me, fuck you, fuck you and fuck you.
The end.
Sorry, I just had a sudden wave of remorse for all the horrible things I ever said about lovely, lovely Chris Martin.
He's right, you know.
There's never been a more insensitive time to be a millionaire.
Yeah, of course he's right.
That's why we have to stick together.
Us.
We're the only ones that get this now.
Maybe I was a bit rash about the house.
Maybe it is quite nice.
Sweet, because I already bought it.
You all owe me ã1.
6 million.
Each.
You dick.
What? You just said you wanted it.
[THEY LAUGH.]
Right, I'm going to get an early night because I have a long journey in the morning.
I'll see you at home.
Oh, dear.
Chicken? Put your money where your mouth is Or you ain't saying nothing Oh, hello, son.
Is your dad home? Tall, bald, used to work in the - business loan department at the bank? - He's not here.
Oh.
Right.
Because I've just driven all the way out to Oxford.
It's just a really long way.
I tell you what Would you be able to pass on a little message for me? OK, sure.
Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck yoo-oo-ou!
34p overdrawn.
Oh! [SINGS A FEW NOTES.]
[SINGS OFF-KEY.]
The balance of your account is ã791.
34p overdrawn.
The balance of your account is ã14,578,324.
66p in credit.
ã14,578,324.
66p in credit.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS.]
[HE YELLS.]
Leon, are you OK? We fucking made it, boys! [HE THROWS UP.]
Yessssss! Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you! Bom bom bom From Leon and all the boys at Idle Hands Games, we'd like to offer you this harmonious, ceremonious and acrimoniously melodious ALL: Fuck you.
- Ah, beautiful.
- Don't even remember that one.
Yeah, you do, we went to him for investment and he said he wasn't quite sure about us.
Guess what? Boom, you've been smug bombed.
- How many more of these, Ewan? - About nine.
Basically anyone who has ever doubted us disrespected us or mispronounced our names.
- The bald man from HSBC.
- He said we couldn't have a loan.
We're driving 70 miles to Oxford to swear at a bald man from HSBC? He moved.
Leon made me track him down.
Look, can we just get to my parents, please? I said we'd be there.
Yeah, all right.
But we're doing the rest tomorrow.
Ewan, put a circle around the bald man, the bald man does not get a free ride.
- Can I vape in the Ferrari? - No, you cannot vape in the Ferrari.
Put your money where your mouth is Or you ain't saying nothin' Put your money where your mouth is Or you ain't saying nothin' Put your money where your mouth is Or you ain't saying a damn thing Mum! Dad! - Ooh! I didn't mean to - Hey.
Hang on, one minute.
Oh, here we go.
- Hey.
Well done, I'm proud of you.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks, Dad.
Cheers.
- Oh, Leon.
So, so we have got Prosecco for the boys, and an energy drink for Watto.
- There you go, darling.
- Thank you.
Good.
- So, cheers.
- Cheers! Right, come on then.
What have you spent it on? Vengeance.
Mostly vengeance, and a Ferrari.
- Oh! - And I just got an offer accepted on a narrow boat, then I found out it was in Ireland, so I might have to get that shipped over.
Can you get a boat shipped over? I'm thinking of throwing caution to the wind and finally - going zorbing, possibly, maybe.
- What's that? Zorbing? It's basically where you roll down a hill in a giant inflatable ball.
Now that I think about it, it sounds quite awful, so I probably won't bother.
I bought a new pair of jeans that I basically hate, also This is for you.
- Oh.
- Is this the mortgage? Just open it.
- Free at last.
- Bit nervous.
- No, don't be nervous.
- Thank you.
- Oh.
- It's a three-month world trip, every site of cultural significance across the globe.
- Uganda? - Yes, Uganda.
The pearl of Africa.
I just thought it'd be nice, you know, instead - of going to Florida every year.
- We like Florida.
- Yeah.
- You'll like the Yemen.
We're going to the Yemen? Guys, the world a big place and this is my gift to you.
My gift is the world.
Right.
And I'm giving you 50 grand spending money.
- What? - Oh, my God.
- Leon.
- Wow.
- Oh, my God, that's unbelievable.
- Oh, you're welcome.
- Very nice of you.
- Thanks very much Leon.
- Welcome.
- No need for that.
Thank you.
Oh my God, I'm in shock.
Oh, Linda, you made us a roast dinner? - Linda, you total diamond.
- Come on, everyone, need to go through.
I made you your wheat-free Yorkshire puddings, Ewan.
Oh, Linda, on behalf of my irritable bowel, a thousand thank yous.
- Oh! - [MOBILE BLEEPS.]
Shit.
Purchases are down.
- Which purchases? - All of them.
As of right now, nobody can make any in app purchases.
Relax, it's fine.
Just call the office - and let them deal with it.
- Yeah, yeah, it's fine.
- It'll be fine.
- By the way, - still playing it, yeah? Level 139.
- Hey! You know what, though, it's not fine though actually, is it? Because it's broken.
Cat Factory, as a game, is borderline unplayable.
Can we not just enjoy this? Mum, Dad, I'm sorry, we're going to have to go back to the office.
- Oh - Thank you, I'm sorry.
Enjoy Bolivia.
Guys.
- Leon, can I - No, you cannot eat that in the Ferarri.
[CHEERING.]
Hey! Hey, if I can just have a couple of minutes.
As you know, - purchases are down.
- Speech.
Yeah! Come on, speech! Probably not the right time for a speech.
We should probably thank everyone, though.
To my brothers and sisters in art and animation, all hail to the pixel flickers! And to the coders, because this isn't about us, - least of all me, but - Also, there's a couple of additional fuck yous people we haven't been able to track down or have since died.
Ah, Susan Wall, Steven and James Rutherford, and everyone at Currys PC World Camberwell branch.
Fuck you! But what we mustn't lose sight of is Cat Factory, and our ongoing commitment to its user base.
And as a massive thank you to you all, we are going to throw one gigantic party! [CHEERING.]
- We're getting in Daft Punk! - Yeah! We will, we will definitely do that, Daft Punk, or someone in the Daft Punk wheel house.
But, as I said, purchases are down, so, um, if we could just all just consider the situation.
I mean, why don't we all just have a nice Corona and put on some EDM music while we try and fix this? We'll get some limes.
Can we get some limes for the beers? We're going to get some limes for the beers.
Yeah, rock and roll, Josh.
So, good.
This is it.
Theo, good work.
John Jennings, always top of the class.
Good work, guys.
Paula, I was going to say I think we should recheck the code for a move transaction listener.
- Yes.
- I just thought, yeah.
So, how come you were up at the front just now, for the speeches? - Just wanted to say thanks.
- Ok.
It's just, sorry It's just funny because it was the three co-founders and then it was you.
Yeah, there are four co-founders.
Yes, I would be the fourth.
- Oh.
- Sergeant Muggins.
Oh, right.
It's just, well So Sorry, how come you're not in any of the photos? Oh, Leon thinks I'm quite deadening visually.
He thinks I've got quite a deadening brown aura.
And he's essentially correct.
- Oh, my God, you're a millionaire? - Yes.
Yes, I've got ã14 million, plus another ã29 million in stock options.
Yes.
- Well, you know, it's not a big deal.
- No.
I mean, you know, it's a big deal in terms of the bigness of the deal.
I'm not a big deal.
Also the stock options are performance-related anyway, so knowing me, I probably won't ever get them and even then, I won't be able to get my hands on them for like three whole years, which isn't that long but who cares anyway? It's only money.
Well done me.
Well done me on making a load of money for coding a stupid smartphone game about cats.
Big pat on the back for Ewan.
Hey, congratulations.
18,000.
Sorry? I'm going to give you a bonus on the spot of 18,000 in money.
- What? Seriously? Are you serious? - Yes.
OK, yes.
- I've said it.
- Ewan, oh That's, that's insanely generous! Yeah, it really is.
It's insane.
It's absolutely mental.
Thank you! Cheers! Ah! Bye.
Right, I'm going to take the marketing team down to Sky Lounge.
- We're no use here.
- Sky Lounge in your Ferrari, with your Viking helmet? You know, you are the least subtle millionaire since the monopoly man.
You coming? Come on.
No, I'm going to stay here till this is fixed.
Mate, you don't need to worry about any of this any more.
It's fun time.
Two words baby mansion, hovercrafts.
Leon, they own us now.
We belong to them now, for the next three years.
If Casey knew we were slacking off like this already, she'd go barking bonk shit.
Oh, this is just like you.
You've just been handed a lovely big jar of ointment, big tub of luxury body butter, and you're looking for the fly in it, and you can't find one.
Everything is great, and it's killing you.
Well, my jeans are a bit fucking pinchy, so there's that.
Mate, we did it.
It's time to start living.
Where my marketing team at?! [SHOUTING.]
Shake! Let's go! [SINGING.]
Shake it, yo! Shake, yo! [SHOUTING AND SINGING.]
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hey, Josh, this is weird.
Well, I was at a loose end and I thought I'd give you a call.
Saw the deal went through.
I'm 8% genuinely happy for you.
Wow, thank you.
And I'm about 4% jealous, 9% bitter, 2% indifferent, and 38% just quite hungry.
Well, speaking of being hungry, I was wondering if you'd like to come to lunch sometime? Oh, OK, I get it.
You want to flaunt yourself at me, take me to a fancy restaurant, in your big, gold trousers.
Abby, I promise I will not wear my big gold trousers, all right? But, I might wear my tasteful platinum cut offs, with just a hint of cheek exposed.
Well, guess what? I'll allow it.
You can flaunt yourself.
Two rules no intercourse, no recriminations.
It's a shame.
Because those are two things I seem to remember we werepretty good at.
- Hello? - No, I'm just eating a bagel.
Send me a calendar invite.
Yes! Yeah! Woohoo! Yeah! - [OPERA MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Oh! Just having my morning champagne bath.
How many bottles of Is that Dom Perignon? Jesus, Leon.
What's wrong with Cava? I'm not bathing in Cava, Josh, I'm not an animal.
- Who wants a glass? - Of what, sorry? Champagne that's been swirling around your actual anus? - That's a no from me.
- Come on, Joshy, - do this with me.
- What, you think I'm getting in there? Come on, man, just this one thing! Come on! Oh, all right.
OK, little uncomfortable with ambient nudity levels so I'm just going to Oh, ha, ha It's cold and it's sticky and it's fizzing around my balls.
And it feels lovely.
It feels like success.
- To us.
- To us.
Cheers.
[DOOR BELL RINGS.]
- Adam Watson? - This is he.
You've been served.
I knew it! The second I let joy into my heart, it all comes tumbling down.
Josh, this is a badge of honour.
We're being sued.
We're certified, suable.
- We made it.
- Why is there mayonnaise on the writ? Because I dropped the writ into mayonnaise.
Who's Ross Buttock? Watto? Why is he suing us? You remember Ross.
He was that guy who used to come round our flat.
He used to wear that hat with all the free AOL CDs on it.
- Not the Druid guy? - What Druid guy? It was when you were still living at your mum's and me and Watto had the flat above the clown school.
He wasn't an actual Druid, it was just a nickname.
- What was his nickname? - Ross The Grumpy Druid.
That's who's suing us? Your old friend, Ross The Grumpy Druid? Well, Ross, because that was his name, and Grumpy because sometimes he was a little bit grumpy, and Druid, because, you know - He used to sell magic mushrooms.
- It says copyright infringement.
See, that's what I don't understand.
Unless he's saying that he should get royalties for all the ideas I had when I was high on his stuff.
I mean, he can't do that, can he? Because then I basically owe him everything.
Hi.
Hello, everybody.
I've got Casey in the other room for you.
And she's like - Sorry, who are you? - Oh, God.
Sorry.
Naomi.
Casey's assistant.
And she'd really like to see you.
- All of us? - Just Josh and Leon, actually, thanks.
Obviously.
Quite right.
- Thanks.
- Who have I got? Hey, Casey, you're on with Leon and Josh.
Is there anyone in the room who isn't in my field of vision? - No.
- Spin me round.
I don't believe you.
Put me back down.
Now, talk to me about getting sued.
Casey, I've got everything in hand, trust me.
Sorry, which hand, Leon? Which hand is it in? Is it in the hand that's gripping the shaft of the giant penis that's being shoved into my eye again and again and again? Huh? Here's how I want you to think of me from now on, OK? I want you to think of me as the sexy Darth Vader.
Cos yesterday, you got bought out by The Empire.
And behind me, there's an emperor.
- Talk to me about Adam Watson.
- Watto? You know Watto.
He's been in all the meetings.
I know Watto eats a lot of fruit in the meetings.
- I also know he's getting me sued.
- Erm Yeah.
He's a He's a Watto is the secret brains behind us.
The boy is a genius.
I mean, he basically invented Cats as a thing.
I mean, you know, he had his - problems with substance abuse.
- No, OK.
But we were young! We were young, we were kids I want it settled.
Today.
I'm sending over a lawyer.
Casey, there's no need.
I'm a firefighter.
I got it.
Hey, hey.
Do you hear this, Leon? [SHE BREATHES LIKE DARTH VADER.]
That's sexy Darth Vader breathing down your neck, only not in a sexy way.
You're meeting their team at 12.
Don't be late.
Leon, where are we going? This isn't the way to the lawyer's office.
Mate, it's a quick detour.
Give me five minutes.
[MUSIC PLAYS.]
It's great, right? Because I saw it and I was like, yes, this is a spot! 200-foot rumpus house.
Nice place.
Long and clean.
Semi-circular.
Pleasingly geometric.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Really good acoustics.
- Oh! Oh! Really good.
- Yes, Watto, love that.
So, shall I push the button? - We'll take it, right? - Well, I'm in.
We've got the legal equivalent of Dutch elm disease, - and we're out shopping for houses? - I'll take a room, although I'm probably moving to a Centre Parcs at some point.
I thought you bought a narrow boat? I did, but I've always wanted a permanent base at Centre Parcs.
You know, sort of like an oasis of calm, only with a pool and badminton.
Watto, you can't live at Centre Parcs.
Well, they say that, but if you're careful about it, say, move chalets every third week and then start shifting locations, three months in Woburn, three months in the New Forest, it is actually possible to spend 12 months of the year living in Centre Parcs.
Yeah, if you don't mind living like a fugitive refugee.
- Which I don't.
- You're going to commute, are you? From Centre Parcs everyday on your narrow boat? It is actually a highly fucking commutable waterway, Ewan.
And who are you? The Department for Transport? Josh.
Come on, Josh.
OK.
Cards on the table, I think I'm going to get my own place.
- Oh, right.
- That's a shame.
But who's going to sort out the Ocado? I don't know.
Do it yourself.
Yep, obviously I can do that, but it's just you've got all the favourites set up in your account.
It's fine.
I just thought it would be nice, you know? - Daytona.
- Yeah.
Daytona.
They same one from the bowling alley.
I tracked it down.
It's still got our lap times on it and everything, but it doesn't matter.
- I'll tell them we don't want it.
- Right.
We should get going then, eh? [MUSIC PLAYS.]
Don't stress.
Just enjoy the view.
I've got places to be, Leon.
- I'm having lunch with Abbey.
- You're seeing Abbey? What? No, nothing, it's just first you're getting your own place, and now lunch with Abbey.
It's weird, because it was only a year ago she was breaking your heart.
That was pretty rough on you, mate.
Joss, we just made it.
You've been handed your plate, your clean plate.
Don't just fill it up with the first thing you see.
Classy.
Comparing women to buffet items.
They're ready for you now.
Come on.
Thanks for coming in.
Who have I got? This is Adam Watson, Josh Connors, Leon Harper and, sorry, which one are you again? Ewan.
Ewan Fox.
I can't see you named anywhere on the writ.
Well, I should be.
Absolutely.
Absolutely should be named on the writ.
Well, she's right, you're not here, so technically you don't need to be here.
Well Let's just pencil me on the writ and proceed, shall be? We're alleging intellectual theft.
Back in 2009, your client stole the core idea of making a game about cats.
If you'd like to See, what did I tell you? Look at the evidence.
- A wizard's forearm.
- I'm not a wizard.
We have photographs that prove that that tattoo predates the video game, and in terms of similarity to the finished design Yeah, see, it does look a bit the same.
If I could just have a moment with my clients? OK, show's over.
Let's just stare him down and watch him crumble.
Watto, I'm only going to ask you this once.
- Did you steal it? - No.
No way.
Although 2009 was a bit of a heavy one for me.
So, what? You're not sure? - Christ.
- Shit.
Oh, my God.
That's huge.
OK, no, he didn't, and I know he didn't because he's a genius.
In here, that's where Cats came from.
- Isn't that right, Watto? - Yeah, right.
OK, let me tell you how this is going to go.
It is going to go to trial, and they're going to drag it out, and they will wear you down over years and years and years, and the night before, you will cave, because that's what people like you always do, and then you'll end up giving them whatever they want.
- They can hear us.
- So, what are you saying? Chocolate.
I'm saying pay now, take the hit, save yourself the ulcer.
- Chocolate.
- Ewan, what are you doing? Just trying to see if they can hear us.
By whispering chocolate? He's not a fucking Labrador.
We listen to the grown-up.
We bite our tongue and we just settle.
I might ask Paul if I can get my 18 grand bonus back.
Yeah, I really would like my bonus back now.
- I really have to go.
- Now? - You're going now? - You'll be fine.
And leave it to him.
No winging it.
You're flightless birds.
Grebes.
Flightless birds.
The South African grebe.
So, having had a brief conversation with my client, we would be prepared to talk about a small settlement.
Great.
He also wants a credit along with two percentage - points on domestic - Wait, he wants a credit? In recognition of his significant contribution to your joint success.
He didn't do anything.
We did.
Eight years of hard work.
Ewan sat down for so long he got a bedsore.
- That's factually correct.
- We can haggle - about the credit later.
- No, no, we can't.
We want the credit, a percentage of future royalties.
We'd be happy to talk about the credit.
- No, we wouldn't.
- We'd like to leave the - credit on the table.
- I'm taking the credit off the table.
I'm authorised to go over his head.
- No, you're not.
- So, you can just ignore him, because this comes straight from Casey Renhard.
It does, yeah.
And we would like to leave the credit on the table.
Well, I am snapping the legs off the table and I am eating the table.
That's me doing that.
See you in court, bucko.
Sorry.
A bit of an emergency at work.
But it's cool, it's all sorted.
This place is amazing.
But I take it you're paying for it, cos these prices are total fucking bullshit.
What are you doing? I'm just perusing the wine list.
Is that right? Perusing? Please don't do that, it's really nice paper.
See this bit on the right-hand side with all the numbers on it? Don't need that bit any more.
So, what, you mean I can order a wine that I actually want? Yeah.
No more just ordering the second from the top.
- Cos that's what I always do.
- Go down.
I'm talking fourth, fifth, sixth one down.
Or how about this one? Number nine, tannins.
Oh, I love tannins.
What's tannins? I don't know.
But we'll find out.
Waiter?! Hi.
This one, please.
- Bottle of.
- Sure.
- Bosh.
- Boom.
Boom.
Even better.
And I just want to say Thanks and sorry.
Um, I know things got a bit weird between us with work and stuff It wasn't your work, Josh, it was you.
Your total inability to have fun.
Even when I take you to Berlin for your 30th.
I told you, I was crying about the Berlin Wall.
No, you were crying because of that review that said your video game had terrible controls.
It didn't say it had terrible controls.
Don't get me wrong, Josh, I quite like men who cry.
But you were crying a lot.
Just running around crying like a big town crier.
I was under a lot of pressure.
We all are, Josh, just some of us find the time to have, say, six minutes of fun two times a week.
Like, I love The Smiths.
- Yeah.
- Really love them.
I love them more than I love my mum's dog.
But I can't listen to them for ever.
Sometimes I need a bit of Katy Perry.
Well, that's me now.
You know, fun, fun, fun.
I'm basically Katy Perry with a semi-beard and a penis.
I'm, I'm enjoying myself.
- How? - I bought a new pair of jeans that I actually really like.
And I'm going to get my own place.
- Away from the guys.
- Is that right? Yeah, I'm going to stop being such a grey cloud and get myself together, you know? And if you wanted to do I'm fucking Greg.
- Who's Greg? - Townsend.
- Who's Greg Townsend? - The guy that I'm fucking Seeing Going out Oh, sorry.
That came out all wrong.
- I didn't mean for it to slip - No.
It's fine.
I think I knew that anyway.
I wasn't suggesting that we uh Well You OK? Risotto looks good.
I've just got to make a quick call.
[ANSWER PHONE.]
: You have one new message.
Message one.
ã750 for a bottle of wine! - Bloody tannins! - Josh.
He wanted a credit.
- He's not getting one.
- Great.
Bag.
Bag.
[MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Hey, Paula.
- Hi.
Sashimi.
You are pushing the boat out.
Yeah.
Just fancied it.
Yeah.
No, great.
That's brilliant.
So, listen, apropos the little bonus.
There's been a tiny change in my personal circumstances.
I mentioned something to Sam about it, only because I just assumed that he'd be getting the same.
I just thought, why would it only be me getting the bonus? I've only been here two months.
Oh, totally cool.
Good.
Right, OK.
Hey, Sam.
Um I'd like to give you ã18,000.
Hey, Emily.
I'd like to give you ã18,000.
- Good, well that's been - Brilliant.
Hey, Barney.
I'd like to give you ã18,000.
In fact, let me just Hey, everyone.
Ah! Hey, everyone.
Um Ewan.
I, I work here.
I founded Co-founded I'm nothing, really, but here I am.
Anyway, I'd like to give all of you, if poss, up to you, but ã18,000, really.
- [ALL EXCLAIM.]
- I just really would like to do that.
- OK? - [EXCITED CHATTER.]
Oh, Sally.
Lovely sarnies.
I'd like to give you, I suppose, yes, ã18,000.
Thank you.
OK.
Ewan, what was that? Um, Paula didn't know who I was so I gave her 18 grand and then everyone found out and Well, they all know who you are now, mate.
You're the man that gives them ã18,000.
Yep.
That's me, that's who I am.
I'm the guy who's just given away somewhere in the region of half a million pounds.
Oh.
There she blows.
Do excuse me.
She who must be obeyed.
Are you OK? God, that was so stressful.
I was, like, what?! My hands are gushing.
Touch them, they still feel damp.
I'm fine.
I just need to commune with the mighty Java bean.
It's all over the internet, about the lawsuit.
I think she must have leaked it.
- The other guy's lawyer.
- Christ.
You know, the best thing you could do right now is to sack it all off - and go to the pub.
- Uh, probably not a great idea.
I have historically struggled to stop at just one, if not, indeed, seven.
Me and the girls from the office, when it's been a hard morning, lunchtime Afternoon, hit a bit of a sleepy patch around three, cheeky livener in the toilet.
- Hello again.
- [PHONE BEEPS.]
Uh-oh.
Casey's on the horn.
This cannot be good news.
Drama.
Have you been online? How did my name get caught up in this fucking Leon, I left you with very strict instructions.
Well, maybe if you hadn't been out on your - eternal lunch with your phone off.
- It's online.
Reuters.
[HE GROANS.]
Well then, it's over, isn't it? Were going to end up in a car park sucking dick.
Me, crouched behind a Mazda with a cock in my mouth.
Josh, he wanted a credit, he doesn't deserve it.
No! No-one does, Leon.
No-one deserves ã40 million for a cat game that mums play on the toilet.
These jeans! I'm just going to take them off.
Don't.
Don't do that.
Please.
Me again.
Hi.
Hello.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad juju, but I've got Casey again.
She just wants Leon.
Leon.
How are you enjoying your money? I like it.
Quite a lot.
Bought a Ferrari.
You bought a Ferrari? Jesus Christ.
What is this, 1989? Holy shit, Gordon Gekko, why did you buy a Ferrari? What are you listening to in your Ferrari, Leon? The best of Phil Collins? Oh, my God.
A Prius.
Leon, everyone drives a Prius, that's just basic.
I mean, Zuckerberg's in a smart car, for God sakes.
I need you to fire Watto.
I can't fire Watto.
I need a skull, Leon.
Someone's to blame.
Cos this is out there now.
It's online.
Watto's a liability, so he has to go.
Either it's on Watto or it's on all of you.
So, if this goes to court and we lose, we are all going to have to pay 1.
175 million each.
Pounds.
Each.
And how much would that leave us with, individually? - 13.
3.
- Oh! Then you take out the half-million for the bonuses, plus the deposit for the zorbing, which is non-refundable 12.
8.
Day one, and I'm already down to ã12.
8 million.
Now I'm the arsehole who sits around moaning about only having ã12.
8 million.
- Fabulous.
- What did Casey say? Nothing.
She wants us to get rid of Watto.
What? Fire Watto? No way! We're not doing it.
Yeah, I didn't say we were doing it.
It's either him or us.
- Right, so you're considering it.
- I didn't say that, did I? - Where is Watto? - Naomi? - Have you seen Watto? - Yeah.
- I think he's gone to the pub.
- Why would he - have gone to the pub? - I told him to.
I said just blow it off, get wasted, and forget everything.
- Shit.
Get him on the phone.
- Oh, my God! Oh, no.
Was that not the right thing to do? - It's just going to answerphone.
- An Uber receipt's been e-mailed to the business account.
What's he doing out there? Get the Ferrari.
Leon.
All this stuff with Casey.
Who the hell have sold ourselves to? I think it's this one.
Oh, God.
You can't see just feet, can you? If you can see just feet, that's usually a bad thing.
Oh, Jesus, what have I done? Nothing fills the void.
Nothing.
So, I got in a cab and I asked him to bring me to the river, and on the way we went past this place.
You know Birkenstocks? They're like sandals for ponces.
There was a shop and Don't get me wrong, I like them, I'm just not crazy about them.
I went in the shop and I said "I want all of them.
" Like, all of them.
Like, every single one of them.
In all the sizes.
Yeah.
That is a considerable amount of sandals.
But you're all right, though, yeah? You're clean? I'm all right.
It's just the shoes.
I felt bad.
Like I let you down.
Like I let my own personal bullshit affect you guys.
It's not like that, mate.
Just call us next time.
So we can say, "Sure, buy yourself some sandals.
"Just not in such vast quantities.
" It's just a quick hit.
A splurge.
I don't know, man.
It's just a different way of filling that hole.
Actually What? What? Josh, just trust me, yeah? I got us this far, didn't I? Yeah.
Look where we are on a barge with sandals.
Leon.
This is definitely going to work, right? It has to work for Watto.
Yes, Josh, this is going to work.
[HE KNOCKS.]
Ross.
Get out here, mate.
- Our lawyer said not to talk to you.
- I bet she did.
Leon's got an offer for you.
Haven't you, Leon? Come with me, Ross.
Ewan, give it the revs! OK.
One second.
Ah [HORN TOOTS.]
- Sor Hang on.
- [CAR REVS.]
Fucking O'Riley.
We can just save ourselves a headache and shake hands right here, right now.
I don't want it.
No deal.
No? All right.
Plus 20 grand in cash, but that is my final offer.
Not interested.
OK.
Fine.
What else can we offer him, Leon? You might want to pop out a second, boys.
OK, Leon, what the fuck is that? There's something you should know about me, Ross.
I am basically the pettiest, most spiteful man in the world.
OK.
We need to talk about this.
The point is, Ross, I will burn the 200 grand sports car outside your house before I let you get the better of me and my mates.
Nah.
You won't do it.
No way.
Yeah, you're probably right.
OK, yeah, we've got to get back.
My fingers are getting warm, Ross.
Ross, take the Ferrari.
Take the quick hit.
I know you don't have the stomach for the long game.
I'll take it! I'll take it! The car and the money! Good choice, mate.
Owner's manual's in the glove box.
What the hell, Leon? That was amazing, man.
What about the car? You love that car.
I was thinking of getting a Prius anyway.
So, what do we do now? Call a taxi.
Forget a taxi, mate, we could hail a helicopter.
[THEY LAUGH.]
Yeah, give me your gold coins! I will take them to bed with me.
Oh, you absolute knob, Watto! That's just rank bad manners.
Ewan, I've got your back.
Booshka! I bossed you, - my friend! - Wanker! Get off! My jeans! My jeans are pinchy.
- [PHONE RINGS.]
- Leon, it's yours.
It's Casey.
It's Casey.
Boys, relax.
I've got this.
Casey.
Sorted.
I told you I'd take care of it.
Great work, Leon.
I'm coming over.
I'm coming over to the UK.
Wait, what for? It's all sorted now.
Leon, you really think we're going to spend 300 million acquiring you and then just leave you alone? Sorry.
You can't see, but I'm highly amused by this.
I'll be over in two days.
If you got any bodies lying around, I'd fire up the wood chipper.
Oh, my God, she absolutely hates us.
Everyone hates us now.
That's just the facts.
It's like we're in one of them light aircraft crashes and all the passengers die, it's on the news and everyone's like, "Oh, boo-hoo.
"What was the Everton score again?" Nobody cares.
Because only rich people can afford to fly around in little planes, and nobody likes rich people.
Including me.
And I'm one of them.
So, in theory, I hate myself.
And you.
And you.
So, in summary, fuck me, fuck you, fuck you and fuck you.
The end.
Sorry, I just had a sudden wave of remorse for all the horrible things I ever said about lovely, lovely Chris Martin.
He's right, you know.
There's never been a more insensitive time to be a millionaire.
Yeah, of course he's right.
That's why we have to stick together.
Us.
We're the only ones that get this now.
Maybe I was a bit rash about the house.
Maybe it is quite nice.
Sweet, because I already bought it.
You all owe me ã1.
6 million.
Each.
You dick.
What? You just said you wanted it.
[THEY LAUGH.]
Right, I'm going to get an early night because I have a long journey in the morning.
I'll see you at home.
Oh, dear.
Chicken? Put your money where your mouth is Or you ain't saying nothing Oh, hello, son.
Is your dad home? Tall, bald, used to work in the - business loan department at the bank? - He's not here.
Oh.
Right.
Because I've just driven all the way out to Oxford.
It's just a really long way.
I tell you what Would you be able to pass on a little message for me? OK, sure.
Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck yoo-oo-ou!