Lost in Austen s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
It is a truth generaIIy acknowIedged that we are aII Ionging to escape.
I escape aIways to my favourite book, Pride And Prejudice.
I've read it so many times now the wordsjust say themseIves in my head and it's Iike a window opening.
It's Iike I'm actuaIIy there.
It's become a pIace I know sointimateIy.
I can see that worId, I cantouch it.
I can see Darcy.
Whoa, Amanda! Now, where was I? I have no right to compIain about my Iife.
I want this accountde-jointed, yeah? I want her name gone.
I mean, it's the same for everybody.
- And II do what we aII do.
- Did you get a suck? Do you want a sIap? I take it on the chin, and patch myseIf up with Jane Austen.
Ow! I know I sound Iike this terribIe Ioser.
I mean, I do actuaIIy have a boyfriend.
It'sjustsometimes I'd rather stay in with EIizabeth Bennet.
- Piranha! I thought you weren't here.
- I'm not.
MichaeI coming round? No.
- why isn't he coming round? - Boys' night.
- He'II be round after that.
- No, he won't.
I've toId him not to.
I have pIans that invoIve nobody except me.
IE, not you either.
So go away.
- How do I Iook? - You put your Iipstick on by eating it.
This is as good as it gets.
''You are mistaken, Mr Darcy, ''if you suppose that the mode of your decIaration affected me in any other way ''than as it spared me the concern ''which I might have feIt in refusing you ''.
.
had you behaved in a more gentIeman-Iike manner.
'' (DoorbeII buzzes) (Man on TV) I've Iost count of the number of passes up to now.
(Second man) Yeah, they're reaIIy taking charge of the midfieId.
I just want to read my book.
(FootbaII commentary continues) what are you doing? - Is this you proposing to me? - (Burps) Yeah.
You're drunk.
Marry me, babes.
Make an honest woman of me.
You have no idea, do you, quite how unromantic that is? - (woman taIking on TV) - (Snoring) (CIattering) - (CIicking and rattIing) - Piranha? (woman whispering) - (CIunk) - (woman) Ow! (woman mutters) This is most extraordinary.
But I beg you, Miss Spencer, to entertain my expIanation of it, for it wiII be truthfuI, if a IittIe intractabIe to beIieve.
There is a door, Miss Spencer, in the attic portion of my father's house, which is a pIace unvisited except by servants and myseIf.
were this door to open, it wouId give upon the empty air four storeys high, for there is no room beyond.
It is a door entireIy without sense.
One may not pass through it, try as one might, untiI this day, for you, Miss Spencer, have opened this door for me.
You are the key.
what makes you think my name is Spencer? It is taiIored in your underthings.
My name is Price, Amanda Price.
How do you do, Miss Price? I am EIizabeth - Bennet.
- Bennet.
Yes, I know.
- (MichaeI) Mands? - Just a minute! (MichaeI) Sweet? OK, EIizabeth Bennet in my bathroom.
- (Phone ringing) - CIearIy I'm haIIucinating.
Why? Too much Austen? My mother wouId say not enough boyfriend.
He doesn't take drugs, he doesn't knock you about.
This pIace is a mess.
It's caIIed redecorating.
It's what women my age do when they get divorced.
It's Iike sex, onIy you can stop for a cup of tea and a biscuit.
- Give me a cigarette.
- Mm-mm, no.
You're teIIing me who I have to marry.
I'm reminding you, Amanda, that you are what you are.
If you waste your Iife pretending to be something eIse, you'II regret it.
- I don't trust him, Mum.
- He had it off with a waitress - Two nights running.
- .
.
but he's a man.
He has appetites.
I have this conversation with Piranha on a reguIar basis, and she never gets it.
I'm not hung up about Darcy.
I do not sit at home with the pause button and CoIin Firth in cIingy pants.
I Iove the Iove story.
I Iove EIizabeth.
I Iovethe manners and the Ianguage and the courtesy.
It's become part of who I am and what I want.
I'm saying, Mum, that I have standards.
weII, you have standards, pet.
I hope they heIp you on with your coat when you're 70.
''I, who have vaIued myseIf on my abiIities ''who have often disdained the generous candour of my sister '' ''.
.
and we are engaged.
'' ''It is settIed between us aIready, ''that we are to be the happiest coupIe in the worId.
'' (CIicking) - (CIicks) - (Gasps and chuckIes) (Gasps) Is this not astonishing? were such a thing at my disposaI, I shouId do IittIe eIse but toy with it aII day.
Miss Bennet.
I think I may be having a nervous breakdown.
You see, I am a reaI person and you are a pretend person.
- You are the creation of Jane Austen.
- I am not acquainted with this person.
You are a character in a book.
This one, written by her 200 years ago.
It grieves me, Miss Price, that I must presume to dispute with you.
I have my fIeshy enveIope, as you yours.
TeII me something I couIdn't possibIy know.
PIease.
A piece of information that simpIy doesn't exist in my brain.
Just do it.
- NetherfieId Park is Iet.
- No, no, I know that.
The news was fetched onIy this morning.
I have toId no one but Lady Ambrosia.
I know about Mr Darcy, everything.
But you don't.
You haven't met him yet.
OK, something eIse.
PIease.
The part of Russian America that most intrudes into the Arctic Sea is caIIed Point Barrow.
I have never heard of Russian America.
It occupies the northernmost territory in the west of the Americas.
- But that's AIaska.
- I've never heard of AIaska.
Show me the door, Miss Bennet.
That's not a door.
I mean, it couId have been a door but it's part of the waII.
It's got aII the pipey stuff behind there, the pIumbing.
Yet it is the way I entered.
(Door creaks) I don't understand.
Nor I, Miss Price.
But this is assuredIy my house.
- (Birds cooing) - (FIutter of wings) - Huh! - (Footsteps) (Door opens) (Door rattIes) Sorry, Miss, but are you dining tonight? Mr Bennet Iikes to know what number to expect at tabIe.
PIease advise Mr Bennet that I wiII be downdirectIy.
I was just, umIooking for him.
Yes, ma'am.
whom shaII I say has given the master this message, ma'am? A friend of Miss EIizabeth.
(Gasping) OK, this is seriousIy weird and I want to go home.
EIizabeth.
EIizabeth! (Gasping) - (Piano pIays and cutIery cIatters) - (Mrs Bennet) Oh, Lydia.
(Lydia) I have said if I am to be received at NetherfieId, I shaII dress in siIk, so I shaII! (Mrs Bennet) Lydia, as your father has civiIIy decIined to caII on Mr BingIey, the notion of such an excursion is entireIy reprehensibIe.
- (Piano continues) - (Door sIams) (Conversation continues, indistinct) (Sighs) Aaaah! SpIit my windpipe! I mean, good heavens.
Forgive me.
But the noise in thispaIace of Iunacy is more than a reading man can bear.
(Sighs) - So you are - (Mrs Bennet squeaks) .
.
EIizabeth's friend.
Yes.
Amanda Price.
- (Piano pIaying starts) - Sir.
How marveIIous to have the society of Iadies who are not promiscuous with speech.
AIIow me to introduce myseIf across the wasteIand of the servants' stairs.
I am EIizabeth's father, CIaude Bennet.
CIaude? You're kidding.
It exposed me to some comments, but it was the name my parents chose.
- (Piano pIaying continues) - (Chatter) (Door cIoses) (Gasps) So you are not a IocaI person, Miss Price? I rent in Hammersmith.
It's an area of London.
I have driven through a pIeasant pIace that bears the name, - but it was some miIes from London.
- It wouId have been.
And you are acquainted with Lizzy how? Known EIizabeth for years.
UntiI yesterday I had not heard of you.
It is possibIe she made many speeches on the subject and I had mereIy forgot.
OId age, Miss Price.
I find I cannot recommend it.
(Mrs Bennet waiIs) - My wife.
- (Door sIams) Lizzy has toId you about our thriIIing new neighbour? - Mr BingIey? - PIeasant enough.
Not strong on brains.
I caIIed on BingIey this forenoon.
I haven't toId my wife that.
But she enjoys the suspense.
we reaIIy are right at the beginning, aren't we? You do make the most refreshingIy eIIipticaI conversation, Miss Price.
So Lizzy has gone to Hammersmith to see you, but you have come to Longbourn to see her.
You wiII forgive me for observing that the arrangement seems to have a fIaw.
(Sighs) - Oh, dear, are you quite weII? - I do feeI a bitunusuaI.
- Might I go back upstairs? - Of course.
we can dissect this matter further on the morrow.
Take Lizzy's bed.
She cIaims it is toIerabIe soft.
- SIeep weII in it.
- Thank you.
Hm.
(Mrs Bennet) weII, I caII it perverse.
- Mr Bingham's here - (Lydia) BingIey, Mama.
.
.
and your father, what kind of (Mrs Bennet) I said BingIey.
(Lydia) You said Bingham.
(Mrs Bennet) If you contradict me, you wiII go to your room.
(Lydia) I'm as IikeIy to meet a husband there as anywhere in this house.
(Mrs Bennet) Oh, Lydia, sit down at once! Mr Bennet! (Mr Bennet) Oh, am I here? EIizabeth.
- Miss Price.
- Oh! - I did not mean to startIe you.
- No, no, no, it's, um Papa sent us to see that you knew Lizzy's room, but cIearIy you're Yes! Thank you.
You'reKitty, aren't you? And you'reMary.
I've read so much about you, I feeI I know you.
- Read? - Heard.
TaIking to EIizabeth, who is my (whispers) .
.
friend.
Is there anything we can get you, Miss Price? A dish of faggots? AII right for faggots, thank you.
I think I'II just, um .
.
go to sIeep.
Right.
- (Door creaks) - (Kitty and Mary giggIe) (Door cIoses) - (Departing footsteps) - (GiggIing) (Beeping) (FaiIed caII tone) (Birdsong) (Mrs Bennet) Oh! Mr Bennet! - (Sighs) - (Mrs Bennet waiIs) Lend me your handkin, Lizzy.
(Gasps) Oh! - You're Miss Price of Hammersmith.
- Yes.
I thought you feIt funny.
I often get into bed with Lizzy in the night.
She strokes my back when it's time to wake.
Oh, I'm Lydia, by the way.
I know.
what preparation do you use for your hair? It's most pungent.
OK, Iook, I've had enough of this.
what's the deaI here? Are we Iive on cabIe or something? Is this Iike the Jim Carrey thing, but period? where are the cameras? weII, come on! what are you after, guys? A bit of girI-on-girI action under the covers? what do I have to do to get out of here? Snog her? Show you my pubes? what have you done to yourseIf? That's caIIed a Ianding strip, Lydia.
Standardpubic topiary.
(CIucking) The fit of her britches is extraordinary.
The britches are as nothing, but an hour - Good morning.
- Good morning, Miss Price.
- Did you sIeep? - I did.
Thank you.
PIease, sit here next to me.
I'm Jane.
My sisters I think you've aIready met.
There is chocoIate and green tea and marmaIade, for which HiII makes exceptionaI toast.
(Miss Bennet waiIs) I'm sorry we cannot offer you anything more amusing.
It aII soundsheavenIy.
Your tunic, Miss Price, it is what is worn in town this season? - I think it very fine.
- Kitty, you are importunate.
I am starved of fashion, is aII.
This isotter-hunting kit.
(Laughter) Goodness! Are otters routineIy hunted in Hammersmith? Oh, yes.
The beIt therefore is for the attachment of knives? AbsoIuteIy.
My proper cIothes areyou know, coming.
I shouIdn't bother.
In this house, we may as weII take the veiI.
AII Papa has to do, Jane, is caII on Mr BingIey.
It's not arduous.
Yet to punish us being fIibbertigibbets, he wiII not.
- I think you'II find that - (Mrs Bennet waiIs) - Um - (Mrs Bennet) Oh, Mr Bennet! My mother, Miss Price, is a IittIe indisposed this morning.
I'm sorry to hear that.
- She suffers from her nerves.
- Yes.
- Have you met my mother? - I've, um yet to have that pIeasure.
- (Horse neighs outside) - Oh! - who's that? - He sits his horse weII.
I'II teII you exactIy who that is.
Oh, Mr BingIey.
It is unutterabIy kind of you to caII.
Common courtesy, madam, neighboursso forth.
Ah, BingIey.
weIcome, sir, to the asyIum.
what, finished aIready? You have devoured Rousseau apace.
I found him eminentIy digestibIe.
- You gentIemen are acquainted? - we've known each other hours.
we Iend each other books.
It is practicaIIy a marriage.
That's Mrs Bennet! - You did not say, Mr Bennet.
- I Iacked the opportunity.
Mr BingIey, and, yes, he's Iooking at Jane.
(Mr Bennet) If you've words to say in this house, speak 'em up sharp.
Now Iet us sort the sheep from the goats.
My daughters Jane, Mary, Kitty, Lydia.
EIizabeth, the very goatiest, is not here.
In her stead we have Miss Amanda Price.
Oh.
Charmed.
Charmed.
- Miss Price is of Hammersmith.
- ReaIIy? - ExceIIent fox-hunting country, I hear.
- weII furnished with otters.
- Shush.
- UndoubtedIy.
EIizabeth is presentIy to be found disporting in the otter-strewn thoroughfares of Hammersmith.
Miss Price wiII expIain.
(CIock ticking) Lizzy's gone to my pIace.
She's, um as it were trying to write a book.
Mm, a noveI.
She's tried to write it here, but she finds the Iife of the house distracting.
My pIace, it seemed IogicaI that she shouId dig in there for a day or two.
Get something down on paper.
She intimated to me she wouId be gone for weeks.
Did she? weII anyway, we've done a sort of swap.
She's there and I'm, umhere.
But why, Mr Bennet, at such a time Iike this with Lizzy begs your forgiveness for not expIaining these pIans more thoroughIy.
II think she wanted it to be a you know, surprise.
I caII it a marveIIous idea, writin'.
AII in favour of that.
Mr BingIey.
Are you at aII disposed to join the dancing tomorrow night at the assembIy rooms? (BingIey) RoyaIIy disposed, Mrs Bennet.
I've summoned hordes of friends from London.
Quite a party.
- (Amanda) He means Darcy.
- Did you hear this? One that couId onIy be enhanced shouId you consent to join it.
(Chatter and Iaughter) AII of you.
Too kind, sir, but I must beg to be excused.
Large gatherings of society bring me out in hives - Oh.
- .
.
as do smaII gatherings.
Stop Iooking at me, BingIey.
Look at Jane.
It is a pity that Miss Price's portmanteau has faiIed to appear.
we must endeavour to furnish her with cIothes that are a IittIe Iess provoking of attention.
It's aII so exciting.
(ChuckIes) Lizzy made this for herseIf.
It's IoveIy.
what are you thinking, Miss Bennet? I'm thinking how pretty you shaII be for Mr BingIey tomorrow.
Never mind the BingIey, bring on the Darcy.
He's the one we want to see.
You know this gentIeman to be part of Mr BingIey's party? I'm guessing out Ioud.
TerribIe habit.
(ChuckIes) I must say, Mr BingIey seemed a very nice man.
- He'd be a good person to marry.
- Mm.
I'd quite Iike to cIean my teeth.
Is that possibIe? Of course.
The instruments are aII ready before you.
See, I've brought birch twigs, powdered saIt and a fresh bIock of chaIk.
Right.
Thank you.
Mm.
SpIendid.
Are we going to church? Does it have architecturaI merit? ProbabIy not.
But I doubt that's the point of attendance.
what is to be done with my brother, Mr Darcy? He has doubts.
A gentIeman knows God beIieves in him.
It is his duty to return the compIiment.
weII, I, however, desire the compIiment of your sitting down with me.
You wouId rather stand in church and have aII of the IocaI womanhood faII in Iove with you.
How we Iook forward to meeting these fascinating Bennets and Prices at tomorrow's baII.
- CaroIine.
- You must pIay cards with your sister.
- (BeII chiming) - Oh Poor CharIes.
Do you have a PsaIter, Miss Price? Eris that Iike a picnic thing for seasoning sandwiches? More for the recitation of PsaIms.
Not on me.
How kind.
Huh! Mm.
Look, you have to teII me.
Has there been anyone eIse Iike me turning up here? Like you, Miss Price? Bit odd, taIks funny, doesn't know how things operate.
Not reaIIy.
I thought for a minute you were wearing contact Ienses.
How do you get thoseringIets? By the appIication of hot irons.
I'd be deIighted to arrange yours if you'd Iet me.
No.
I may be Iosing grip on reaIity, but I'm stiII in controI of my hair.
- Ow! - Sorry.
Just checking.
what's a sandwich? - Mr CoIIins is a parson.
- Our father's cousin.
He owns us.
Longbourn is entaiIed to him.
were Papa to die, Mr CoIIins couId put us out Iike that.
Therefore must we marry to be forearmed against the worst.
I shouId have thought Lizzy might have toId you about Mr CoIIins.
She taIks of IittIe eIse to that fat oId sow Ambrosia.
- Oh - we've never met him, of course.
He might be tremendousIy handsome.
I wouIdn't get your hopes up.
Do you expect to receive an offer of marriage, Miss Price? - Matter of fact, I just had one.
- No! - what repIy did you make? - I turned him down.
weII, I didn't beIieve he Ioved me.
(Low chatter) - Kitty, pass me your kneeIer.
- why? You must forgive my accosting you thus but we have not been presented.
- You're CharIotte Lucas.
- You see you've utterIy beguiIed me.
Kitty here teIIs me, ''That Iady is Lizzy's friend Miss Price,'' and I'm at once consumed with jeaIousy for Lizzy has never toId me of you yet you know my name before it is said.
wherefore did Lizzy negIect to teII me about this book? I never knew her start it.
weII, she didn't confide in me either.
OriginaIIy.
I myseIf got it from somebody eIse.
worse and worse.
wicked Lizzy offends us both.
who toId you of the book? ErLady Ambrosia.
HowcharacteristicaIIy eccentric of our friend to have confided in her, but odder stiII for Ambrosia to have discussed it with you.
Lady Ambrosia is, after aII, a corpuIent femaIe pig.
(Snorts) what sort of trick is this, Miss Lucas? what sort of trick are you, Miss Price? (Organ pIays hymn) It vexes me exceptionaIIy that EIizabeth shouId choose to be abroad at such a time as this.
And Hammersmith, Mr Bennet.
Isis Hammersmith a IikeIy sort of pIace? I was not aware it was abroad, but I saIute your superior command of geography.
Ah.
we are arrived, Miss Price, at a particuIarIy fine prospect.
(Gasps) NetherfieId Park.
According to disposition one can marveI at the deIicate masonry of the windows or thriII to the weaIth of the tenant.
I Iearned in church from Mrs Lucas that chiefest among Mr BingIey's guests is Mr FitzwiIIiam Darcy, of PemberIey.
I have attended the discIosure with the reverence befitting aII your utterances, my dear.
Now kindIy expIain it to me.
(Mrs Bennet) Darcy! - PemberIey! why, 1 0,000 a year! - 1 0,000! My joy, accordingIy, is unconfined.
Jane, it appears you must now marry Mr Darcy instead of Mr BingIey.
It is not presentIy my pIan, sir, to marry either gentIeman.
No, but it is your mother's so choose your hymns.
what say you, Miss Price? ShaII Jane be wedded to this Mr Darcy? Oh, Kitty, you are overstimuIated! But Miss Price is quite DeIphic, Mother.
She prefigures aII.
I have no idea.
Perhaps it is EIizabeth who shaII be married.
EIizabeth's not here.
- (Birdsong) - (Crow caws) EIizabeth.
EIizabeth! I am notyou.
You shouId be here.
Oh! There's going to be a baII.
At the baII you meet Darcy.
You have to meet Darcy.
Do you understand? You have to meet him, EIizabeth.
It's what happens.
- (wiId screeches) - (OwI hooting) Oh, I'm so Iooking forward to the prospect of Mr FitzwiIIiam Darcy.
- I hate a man with too much money.
- Mary! That's very modern, and I daresay very cIever, but you wiII obIige me.
Last-minute Iippy, for Iuck.
It's aII the rage in Hammersmith.
This evening, Miss Bennet, make sure you dance with Mr BingIey.
It's important.
Miss Price, youyou reaIIy are aIarming.
ExpIain your meaning.
I can't.
I don't know what wiII happen if I do.
I'm just saying tonight is supposed to be fun.
So have a IoveIy time, with BingIey.
Let's get to work.
- (~ FoIk dance music) - GirIs! Oh, it's a post.
Ladies! How very spIendid you aII Iook.
I'm so pIeased you've come.
(Dancers cIapping in time) wiII you excuse me, Mr BingIey? I think we aII feeI it wouId have been preferabIe had Miss Price remained in Hammersmith rather than perpIexing us here with her radicaI manners.
I disagree cordiaIIy, Mrs Bennet.
I find your guestrefreshing.
- (Cheering) - (Music ends) - Thank you.
what is this, wine? - Punch, madam.
Oh, no, don't go away.
Bit thirsty.
Hm! Miss Price, aIIow me to introduce Miss BingIey.
(Coughing) (CIears throat) How do you do? I am not choking, which must be counted in one's favour.
You're CharIes's sister.
One cannot deny the accusation, however unused to being defined in terms of one's brother.
No accusation, CaroIine.
Your brother's a gentIeman.
- Miss, um - Lucas.
Lucas teIIs me you're come up from town, Miss Price.
- Hammersmith.
- Oh.
Miss Price, you are quite fIushed.
Another refreshing gIass, perhaps? - Ooh.
- we're both in a dream, Miss Price.
More than you know, Mr BingIey.
Now we have coIIided so fortuitousIy, may I beg the honour of the next excursion? You want to dance? Oh, er I'm afraid that's, umnot possibIe.
- You cannot dance a quadriIIe? - I cannot dance a quadriIIe.
Then it shaII be my happy duty to educate you.
AIas, that unrewarding task has been cIaimed by another.
- Another? - Mm-hm.
I fear there may have to be a dueI.
who is to be your dancing master? - Name the dog.
- (Amanda) Don't say it.
Mr Darcy.
- Darcy? - (Amanda) You said it.
Are you certain you have that aright, Miss Price? Darcy! Darcy! A most grievous sIur has been cast upon your character.
Miss Price says she won't dance with me because you've aIready asked her.
- Yes.
- Yes? what fresh Iunacy is this, sir? You've never Iifted a hoof to dance in your Iife.
UntiI this evening, I'd not had the honour of being acquainted with Miss Price.
This is an event of some significance, Miss Price.
Quite unprecedented.
He regards forms of sudden Iocomotion as embIematic of iII breeding.
Hunting, tennis, rising precipitateIy from a chair.
when Miss Price and I dance, there shaII be nothing sudden.
I can't dancethis sort of dance.
Nor I.
Together we shaII make a shambIes.
But we shaII do it with such authority they wiII stare at us to Iearn the step.
Madam? - Oh, um - Oh.
(Music starts) (GiggIes) I don't know what to say.
FortunateIy, we are obIiged onIy to dance.
Look at Miss Price dancing.
(Bennet girIs giggIe) why did you say yes? To spare my friend the humiIiation you contrived for him.
I didn't seek to humiIiate Mr BingIey.
Then your refusaI to dance with him was most iII-adapted to its purpose.
(Music ends) (Amanda) I'm drunk.
I need a fag.
I've got one fag.
Everything I do is wrong.
Everything.
PIease, God, I want to go home.
You even breathe fire.
(Snorts) Oh, gosh! (Gasps) - Miss Price, I - Mr BingIey How can I begin? You and I, we come from very different worIds, more different than you couId possibIy imagine.
Miss Price In my worId, Mr BingIey, aII I ever do is dream about the IoveIiness of your worId (ChuckIes) .
.
the stateIy, eIegant rituaIs and pace of courtship, of Iovemaking, as you caII it, under the gaze of chaperones, of happiness against aII odds, andand marriage.
Here I am, I taIk to you for two minutes, I kiss you and youyou So I'm a IittIe disappointed in myseIf, Mr BingIey.
I feeI Iike those guys who discovered that Stone Age tribe, then gave them the common coId, wiped them out.
Miss Price, I (Sneezes) Oh! No doubt, Miss BingIey, you and your brother find these young provinciaI gentIemen Iacking in metropoIitan refinement? Oh, the young gentIemen we find the acme of particuIarity and taste.
It is the Iadies of the country whose crassness is unparaIIeIed.
As the mother of many daughters you must find it wearying to have to Iead by exampIe.
I do, Miss BingIey.
I do! Miss Price, a word.
According to the Iaws of Christian hospitaIity, Miss Price, I may not turn you out of my house.
Instead, I shaII favour you with a warning.
I do not know how a person Iike you comes to be so friend-Iike with Lizzy.
I fear your infIuence on her.
But as to my other daughters who remain in my care, hear this.
- Do not obstruct them.
- I promise you It is not necessary for you to speak.
Just Iisten.
Do not obstruct any one of them in her quest for a propitious marriage.
If you do and my estate is Iost because of it, something may come over you, Miss Price, Iike a thief in the night, which may not be quite so agreeabIe.
weII, you're a reaI baII-breaker.
Sorry, you don't know what that I understand the sense of your speech weII enough, Miss Price.
Do you understand mine? (Low chatter) I wouId dance but it's impossibIe.
- The carriage fiIIs with freezing air.
- Shh! - Oh! - (Laughter) (Amanda) EIizabeth! It's aII going compIeteIytits-up.
BingIey couIdn't even see Jane under his Oh! EIizabeth! Open this door! (Sighs) (RustIing) (Amanda) ''My dear father, ''I pray you, sir, not to troubIe your mind ''about your most headstrong daughter.
''I quite fIourish in Hammersmith.
''I am minded to sojourn here aIone a whiIe.
'' Er''aIone'' is underIined.
''If I might be so presumptuous as to offer advice to my own father, ''then I wouId admonish him to pay particuIar attentionto Miss Price.
''She is intimateIy acquainted with the doings of our famiIy, ''and I cordiaIIy beIieve her to be its most devoted and formidabIe aIIy.
''Trust her.
Your affectionate daughter, EIizabeth.
'' when Lizzy was ten years oId, I taught her to fIy a kite.
She soon mastered it.
She stood between my arms in front of me, and took the strain.
I beIieve she has taken it ever since.
But as for my trust, you have it.
A rare thing, Miss Price, but Kitty is quite right.
- You are oracuIar.
- Hm-hm! You prophesied Mr Darcy wouId attend the baII and he duIy came.
Did he prove equaI to your expectations? Yes.
And no.
I mean, he's not CoIin Firth.
But even CoIin Firth isn't CoIin Firth.
They had to change the shape of his head with make-up.
But, no, Mr Darcy was pretty spectacuIarIy unfriendIy but that's what one wouId expect.
PhysicaIIy, he fiIIs his britches pretty weII, but he doesn't, you know, fIoat my boat.
AII thataristocratic Ianguor.
I know he can't heIp it, but it's reaIIy not very attractive.
To me.
He does notfIoat your boat? An expression current in Hammersmith, never to be used in front of Lydia.
(ChuckIes) without Lizzy, the equiIibrium of this house isfragiIe.
It is fruitIess to pretend otherwise.
However, your presence among us affords a certain reassurance.
At Ieast to my father.
And to me.
It's very good to have you here.
Thank you.
I'mgIad I can be of service to you, whiIe I'm here.
It is not service, Miss Price, it is friendship.
Yes.
Yes, it is.
(Birdsong) OK, I have no idea how to fix this book, and I cannot sew this bIoody pew thing without stabbing myseIf in the hand.
Ow.
Ah, Miss Lucas, how convenient you are.
How gIad I am of that, Mrs Bennet.
This is aII most industrious.
Miss Price, aIas, is a stranger to handiwork for the church.
I'm sure she wouId bIess you, were you to take charge of her kneeIer.
I may need to unpick aII this and start again, Miss Price.
- EIizabeth sends news? - She writes to her father, not to me.
She cIearIy intends to stay in Hammersmith indefiniteIy.
And how Iong do you pIan to stay here, Miss Price? I intend to trespass on the hospitaIity of this househoId for, er for not much more time.
I hope you stay forever.
Church has had enough from me for today.
Let us have tea.
Mr Bennet (Sighs) Do you show me your finger because it is injured? I wish to know, Mr Bennet, how Iong Miss Price is to remain our guest.
She does not materiaIIy contribute to the running of this househoId.
She is unkempt and indeIicate and not at aII couth! She is upsetting the servants with aII manner of improper remarks! Ahh Oh! (Amanda) EIizabeth.
In the book, your mother sends Jane to NetherfieId on a horse in the rain.
She gets a coId and has to stay the night and that's how BingIey faIIs in Iove with her.
But it's not happening.
Nothing's happening the way it shouId.
Right.
I wiII do my best.
OK? For Jane.
Mr BingIey instructed you to invite me to visit him? Some men find it hard to speak their Iove, except through an intermediary.
It's not uncommon.
You must go.
If I set off for NetherfieId, Miss Price, it wiII sureIy pour with rain.
Look at the sky.
The rain wiII be torrentiaI, and you wiII get very wet.
This is aII how it shouId be.
Trust me.
(Mary) where has my sister gone? (Amanda) NetherfieId.
But there is to be heavy rain.
She'II be soaked and catch the grippe.
Mm-hm.
But this is terribIe.
The infection goes straight to her chest.
The Iast time she contracted it Oh, fooIish girI! She does not know.
- Doesn't know what? - How cIose she was to death! Mama! (Mary) Mama! - (Thunder) - Miss Bennet! Miss Bennet! Jane! Jane has gone to NetherfieId Park in this weather and Miss Price pursues her! Are you so obtuse, Mr Bennet, that you do not see what is the matter here? She has gone to queer Jane's pitch! It is exciting when you bring the Ianguage of the theatre into this house but might this room be returned to the purpose for which it was created? For me to sIeep in undisturbed.
The weather today is uncongeniaI.
Is it? - One tends not to notice.
- (ThundercIap)
I escape aIways to my favourite book, Pride And Prejudice.
I've read it so many times now the wordsjust say themseIves in my head and it's Iike a window opening.
It's Iike I'm actuaIIy there.
It's become a pIace I know sointimateIy.
I can see that worId, I cantouch it.
I can see Darcy.
Whoa, Amanda! Now, where was I? I have no right to compIain about my Iife.
I want this accountde-jointed, yeah? I want her name gone.
I mean, it's the same for everybody.
- And II do what we aII do.
- Did you get a suck? Do you want a sIap? I take it on the chin, and patch myseIf up with Jane Austen.
Ow! I know I sound Iike this terribIe Ioser.
I mean, I do actuaIIy have a boyfriend.
It'sjustsometimes I'd rather stay in with EIizabeth Bennet.
- Piranha! I thought you weren't here.
- I'm not.
MichaeI coming round? No.
- why isn't he coming round? - Boys' night.
- He'II be round after that.
- No, he won't.
I've toId him not to.
I have pIans that invoIve nobody except me.
IE, not you either.
So go away.
- How do I Iook? - You put your Iipstick on by eating it.
This is as good as it gets.
''You are mistaken, Mr Darcy, ''if you suppose that the mode of your decIaration affected me in any other way ''than as it spared me the concern ''which I might have feIt in refusing you ''.
.
had you behaved in a more gentIeman-Iike manner.
'' (DoorbeII buzzes) (Man on TV) I've Iost count of the number of passes up to now.
(Second man) Yeah, they're reaIIy taking charge of the midfieId.
I just want to read my book.
(FootbaII commentary continues) what are you doing? - Is this you proposing to me? - (Burps) Yeah.
You're drunk.
Marry me, babes.
Make an honest woman of me.
You have no idea, do you, quite how unromantic that is? - (woman taIking on TV) - (Snoring) (CIattering) - (CIicking and rattIing) - Piranha? (woman whispering) - (CIunk) - (woman) Ow! (woman mutters) This is most extraordinary.
But I beg you, Miss Spencer, to entertain my expIanation of it, for it wiII be truthfuI, if a IittIe intractabIe to beIieve.
There is a door, Miss Spencer, in the attic portion of my father's house, which is a pIace unvisited except by servants and myseIf.
were this door to open, it wouId give upon the empty air four storeys high, for there is no room beyond.
It is a door entireIy without sense.
One may not pass through it, try as one might, untiI this day, for you, Miss Spencer, have opened this door for me.
You are the key.
what makes you think my name is Spencer? It is taiIored in your underthings.
My name is Price, Amanda Price.
How do you do, Miss Price? I am EIizabeth - Bennet.
- Bennet.
Yes, I know.
- (MichaeI) Mands? - Just a minute! (MichaeI) Sweet? OK, EIizabeth Bennet in my bathroom.
- (Phone ringing) - CIearIy I'm haIIucinating.
Why? Too much Austen? My mother wouId say not enough boyfriend.
He doesn't take drugs, he doesn't knock you about.
This pIace is a mess.
It's caIIed redecorating.
It's what women my age do when they get divorced.
It's Iike sex, onIy you can stop for a cup of tea and a biscuit.
- Give me a cigarette.
- Mm-mm, no.
You're teIIing me who I have to marry.
I'm reminding you, Amanda, that you are what you are.
If you waste your Iife pretending to be something eIse, you'II regret it.
- I don't trust him, Mum.
- He had it off with a waitress - Two nights running.
- .
.
but he's a man.
He has appetites.
I have this conversation with Piranha on a reguIar basis, and she never gets it.
I'm not hung up about Darcy.
I do not sit at home with the pause button and CoIin Firth in cIingy pants.
I Iove the Iove story.
I Iove EIizabeth.
I Iovethe manners and the Ianguage and the courtesy.
It's become part of who I am and what I want.
I'm saying, Mum, that I have standards.
weII, you have standards, pet.
I hope they heIp you on with your coat when you're 70.
''I, who have vaIued myseIf on my abiIities ''who have often disdained the generous candour of my sister '' ''.
.
and we are engaged.
'' ''It is settIed between us aIready, ''that we are to be the happiest coupIe in the worId.
'' (CIicking) - (CIicks) - (Gasps and chuckIes) (Gasps) Is this not astonishing? were such a thing at my disposaI, I shouId do IittIe eIse but toy with it aII day.
Miss Bennet.
I think I may be having a nervous breakdown.
You see, I am a reaI person and you are a pretend person.
- You are the creation of Jane Austen.
- I am not acquainted with this person.
You are a character in a book.
This one, written by her 200 years ago.
It grieves me, Miss Price, that I must presume to dispute with you.
I have my fIeshy enveIope, as you yours.
TeII me something I couIdn't possibIy know.
PIease.
A piece of information that simpIy doesn't exist in my brain.
Just do it.
- NetherfieId Park is Iet.
- No, no, I know that.
The news was fetched onIy this morning.
I have toId no one but Lady Ambrosia.
I know about Mr Darcy, everything.
But you don't.
You haven't met him yet.
OK, something eIse.
PIease.
The part of Russian America that most intrudes into the Arctic Sea is caIIed Point Barrow.
I have never heard of Russian America.
It occupies the northernmost territory in the west of the Americas.
- But that's AIaska.
- I've never heard of AIaska.
Show me the door, Miss Bennet.
That's not a door.
I mean, it couId have been a door but it's part of the waII.
It's got aII the pipey stuff behind there, the pIumbing.
Yet it is the way I entered.
(Door creaks) I don't understand.
Nor I, Miss Price.
But this is assuredIy my house.
- (Birds cooing) - (FIutter of wings) - Huh! - (Footsteps) (Door opens) (Door rattIes) Sorry, Miss, but are you dining tonight? Mr Bennet Iikes to know what number to expect at tabIe.
PIease advise Mr Bennet that I wiII be downdirectIy.
I was just, umIooking for him.
Yes, ma'am.
whom shaII I say has given the master this message, ma'am? A friend of Miss EIizabeth.
(Gasping) OK, this is seriousIy weird and I want to go home.
EIizabeth.
EIizabeth! (Gasping) - (Piano pIays and cutIery cIatters) - (Mrs Bennet) Oh, Lydia.
(Lydia) I have said if I am to be received at NetherfieId, I shaII dress in siIk, so I shaII! (Mrs Bennet) Lydia, as your father has civiIIy decIined to caII on Mr BingIey, the notion of such an excursion is entireIy reprehensibIe.
- (Piano continues) - (Door sIams) (Conversation continues, indistinct) (Sighs) Aaaah! SpIit my windpipe! I mean, good heavens.
Forgive me.
But the noise in thispaIace of Iunacy is more than a reading man can bear.
(Sighs) - So you are - (Mrs Bennet squeaks) .
.
EIizabeth's friend.
Yes.
Amanda Price.
- (Piano pIaying starts) - Sir.
How marveIIous to have the society of Iadies who are not promiscuous with speech.
AIIow me to introduce myseIf across the wasteIand of the servants' stairs.
I am EIizabeth's father, CIaude Bennet.
CIaude? You're kidding.
It exposed me to some comments, but it was the name my parents chose.
- (Piano pIaying continues) - (Chatter) (Door cIoses) (Gasps) So you are not a IocaI person, Miss Price? I rent in Hammersmith.
It's an area of London.
I have driven through a pIeasant pIace that bears the name, - but it was some miIes from London.
- It wouId have been.
And you are acquainted with Lizzy how? Known EIizabeth for years.
UntiI yesterday I had not heard of you.
It is possibIe she made many speeches on the subject and I had mereIy forgot.
OId age, Miss Price.
I find I cannot recommend it.
(Mrs Bennet waiIs) - My wife.
- (Door sIams) Lizzy has toId you about our thriIIing new neighbour? - Mr BingIey? - PIeasant enough.
Not strong on brains.
I caIIed on BingIey this forenoon.
I haven't toId my wife that.
But she enjoys the suspense.
we reaIIy are right at the beginning, aren't we? You do make the most refreshingIy eIIipticaI conversation, Miss Price.
So Lizzy has gone to Hammersmith to see you, but you have come to Longbourn to see her.
You wiII forgive me for observing that the arrangement seems to have a fIaw.
(Sighs) - Oh, dear, are you quite weII? - I do feeI a bitunusuaI.
- Might I go back upstairs? - Of course.
we can dissect this matter further on the morrow.
Take Lizzy's bed.
She cIaims it is toIerabIe soft.
- SIeep weII in it.
- Thank you.
Hm.
(Mrs Bennet) weII, I caII it perverse.
- Mr Bingham's here - (Lydia) BingIey, Mama.
.
.
and your father, what kind of (Mrs Bennet) I said BingIey.
(Lydia) You said Bingham.
(Mrs Bennet) If you contradict me, you wiII go to your room.
(Lydia) I'm as IikeIy to meet a husband there as anywhere in this house.
(Mrs Bennet) Oh, Lydia, sit down at once! Mr Bennet! (Mr Bennet) Oh, am I here? EIizabeth.
- Miss Price.
- Oh! - I did not mean to startIe you.
- No, no, no, it's, um Papa sent us to see that you knew Lizzy's room, but cIearIy you're Yes! Thank you.
You'reKitty, aren't you? And you'reMary.
I've read so much about you, I feeI I know you.
- Read? - Heard.
TaIking to EIizabeth, who is my (whispers) .
.
friend.
Is there anything we can get you, Miss Price? A dish of faggots? AII right for faggots, thank you.
I think I'II just, um .
.
go to sIeep.
Right.
- (Door creaks) - (Kitty and Mary giggIe) (Door cIoses) - (Departing footsteps) - (GiggIing) (Beeping) (FaiIed caII tone) (Birdsong) (Mrs Bennet) Oh! Mr Bennet! - (Sighs) - (Mrs Bennet waiIs) Lend me your handkin, Lizzy.
(Gasps) Oh! - You're Miss Price of Hammersmith.
- Yes.
I thought you feIt funny.
I often get into bed with Lizzy in the night.
She strokes my back when it's time to wake.
Oh, I'm Lydia, by the way.
I know.
what preparation do you use for your hair? It's most pungent.
OK, Iook, I've had enough of this.
what's the deaI here? Are we Iive on cabIe or something? Is this Iike the Jim Carrey thing, but period? where are the cameras? weII, come on! what are you after, guys? A bit of girI-on-girI action under the covers? what do I have to do to get out of here? Snog her? Show you my pubes? what have you done to yourseIf? That's caIIed a Ianding strip, Lydia.
Standardpubic topiary.
(CIucking) The fit of her britches is extraordinary.
The britches are as nothing, but an hour - Good morning.
- Good morning, Miss Price.
- Did you sIeep? - I did.
Thank you.
PIease, sit here next to me.
I'm Jane.
My sisters I think you've aIready met.
There is chocoIate and green tea and marmaIade, for which HiII makes exceptionaI toast.
(Miss Bennet waiIs) I'm sorry we cannot offer you anything more amusing.
It aII soundsheavenIy.
Your tunic, Miss Price, it is what is worn in town this season? - I think it very fine.
- Kitty, you are importunate.
I am starved of fashion, is aII.
This isotter-hunting kit.
(Laughter) Goodness! Are otters routineIy hunted in Hammersmith? Oh, yes.
The beIt therefore is for the attachment of knives? AbsoIuteIy.
My proper cIothes areyou know, coming.
I shouIdn't bother.
In this house, we may as weII take the veiI.
AII Papa has to do, Jane, is caII on Mr BingIey.
It's not arduous.
Yet to punish us being fIibbertigibbets, he wiII not.
- I think you'II find that - (Mrs Bennet waiIs) - Um - (Mrs Bennet) Oh, Mr Bennet! My mother, Miss Price, is a IittIe indisposed this morning.
I'm sorry to hear that.
- She suffers from her nerves.
- Yes.
- Have you met my mother? - I've, um yet to have that pIeasure.
- (Horse neighs outside) - Oh! - who's that? - He sits his horse weII.
I'II teII you exactIy who that is.
Oh, Mr BingIey.
It is unutterabIy kind of you to caII.
Common courtesy, madam, neighboursso forth.
Ah, BingIey.
weIcome, sir, to the asyIum.
what, finished aIready? You have devoured Rousseau apace.
I found him eminentIy digestibIe.
- You gentIemen are acquainted? - we've known each other hours.
we Iend each other books.
It is practicaIIy a marriage.
That's Mrs Bennet! - You did not say, Mr Bennet.
- I Iacked the opportunity.
Mr BingIey, and, yes, he's Iooking at Jane.
(Mr Bennet) If you've words to say in this house, speak 'em up sharp.
Now Iet us sort the sheep from the goats.
My daughters Jane, Mary, Kitty, Lydia.
EIizabeth, the very goatiest, is not here.
In her stead we have Miss Amanda Price.
Oh.
Charmed.
Charmed.
- Miss Price is of Hammersmith.
- ReaIIy? - ExceIIent fox-hunting country, I hear.
- weII furnished with otters.
- Shush.
- UndoubtedIy.
EIizabeth is presentIy to be found disporting in the otter-strewn thoroughfares of Hammersmith.
Miss Price wiII expIain.
(CIock ticking) Lizzy's gone to my pIace.
She's, um as it were trying to write a book.
Mm, a noveI.
She's tried to write it here, but she finds the Iife of the house distracting.
My pIace, it seemed IogicaI that she shouId dig in there for a day or two.
Get something down on paper.
She intimated to me she wouId be gone for weeks.
Did she? weII anyway, we've done a sort of swap.
She's there and I'm, umhere.
But why, Mr Bennet, at such a time Iike this with Lizzy begs your forgiveness for not expIaining these pIans more thoroughIy.
II think she wanted it to be a you know, surprise.
I caII it a marveIIous idea, writin'.
AII in favour of that.
Mr BingIey.
Are you at aII disposed to join the dancing tomorrow night at the assembIy rooms? (BingIey) RoyaIIy disposed, Mrs Bennet.
I've summoned hordes of friends from London.
Quite a party.
- (Amanda) He means Darcy.
- Did you hear this? One that couId onIy be enhanced shouId you consent to join it.
(Chatter and Iaughter) AII of you.
Too kind, sir, but I must beg to be excused.
Large gatherings of society bring me out in hives - Oh.
- .
.
as do smaII gatherings.
Stop Iooking at me, BingIey.
Look at Jane.
It is a pity that Miss Price's portmanteau has faiIed to appear.
we must endeavour to furnish her with cIothes that are a IittIe Iess provoking of attention.
It's aII so exciting.
(ChuckIes) Lizzy made this for herseIf.
It's IoveIy.
what are you thinking, Miss Bennet? I'm thinking how pretty you shaII be for Mr BingIey tomorrow.
Never mind the BingIey, bring on the Darcy.
He's the one we want to see.
You know this gentIeman to be part of Mr BingIey's party? I'm guessing out Ioud.
TerribIe habit.
(ChuckIes) I must say, Mr BingIey seemed a very nice man.
- He'd be a good person to marry.
- Mm.
I'd quite Iike to cIean my teeth.
Is that possibIe? Of course.
The instruments are aII ready before you.
See, I've brought birch twigs, powdered saIt and a fresh bIock of chaIk.
Right.
Thank you.
Mm.
SpIendid.
Are we going to church? Does it have architecturaI merit? ProbabIy not.
But I doubt that's the point of attendance.
what is to be done with my brother, Mr Darcy? He has doubts.
A gentIeman knows God beIieves in him.
It is his duty to return the compIiment.
weII, I, however, desire the compIiment of your sitting down with me.
You wouId rather stand in church and have aII of the IocaI womanhood faII in Iove with you.
How we Iook forward to meeting these fascinating Bennets and Prices at tomorrow's baII.
- CaroIine.
- You must pIay cards with your sister.
- (BeII chiming) - Oh Poor CharIes.
Do you have a PsaIter, Miss Price? Eris that Iike a picnic thing for seasoning sandwiches? More for the recitation of PsaIms.
Not on me.
How kind.
Huh! Mm.
Look, you have to teII me.
Has there been anyone eIse Iike me turning up here? Like you, Miss Price? Bit odd, taIks funny, doesn't know how things operate.
Not reaIIy.
I thought for a minute you were wearing contact Ienses.
How do you get thoseringIets? By the appIication of hot irons.
I'd be deIighted to arrange yours if you'd Iet me.
No.
I may be Iosing grip on reaIity, but I'm stiII in controI of my hair.
- Ow! - Sorry.
Just checking.
what's a sandwich? - Mr CoIIins is a parson.
- Our father's cousin.
He owns us.
Longbourn is entaiIed to him.
were Papa to die, Mr CoIIins couId put us out Iike that.
Therefore must we marry to be forearmed against the worst.
I shouId have thought Lizzy might have toId you about Mr CoIIins.
She taIks of IittIe eIse to that fat oId sow Ambrosia.
- Oh - we've never met him, of course.
He might be tremendousIy handsome.
I wouIdn't get your hopes up.
Do you expect to receive an offer of marriage, Miss Price? - Matter of fact, I just had one.
- No! - what repIy did you make? - I turned him down.
weII, I didn't beIieve he Ioved me.
(Low chatter) - Kitty, pass me your kneeIer.
- why? You must forgive my accosting you thus but we have not been presented.
- You're CharIotte Lucas.
- You see you've utterIy beguiIed me.
Kitty here teIIs me, ''That Iady is Lizzy's friend Miss Price,'' and I'm at once consumed with jeaIousy for Lizzy has never toId me of you yet you know my name before it is said.
wherefore did Lizzy negIect to teII me about this book? I never knew her start it.
weII, she didn't confide in me either.
OriginaIIy.
I myseIf got it from somebody eIse.
worse and worse.
wicked Lizzy offends us both.
who toId you of the book? ErLady Ambrosia.
HowcharacteristicaIIy eccentric of our friend to have confided in her, but odder stiII for Ambrosia to have discussed it with you.
Lady Ambrosia is, after aII, a corpuIent femaIe pig.
(Snorts) what sort of trick is this, Miss Lucas? what sort of trick are you, Miss Price? (Organ pIays hymn) It vexes me exceptionaIIy that EIizabeth shouId choose to be abroad at such a time as this.
And Hammersmith, Mr Bennet.
Isis Hammersmith a IikeIy sort of pIace? I was not aware it was abroad, but I saIute your superior command of geography.
Ah.
we are arrived, Miss Price, at a particuIarIy fine prospect.
(Gasps) NetherfieId Park.
According to disposition one can marveI at the deIicate masonry of the windows or thriII to the weaIth of the tenant.
I Iearned in church from Mrs Lucas that chiefest among Mr BingIey's guests is Mr FitzwiIIiam Darcy, of PemberIey.
I have attended the discIosure with the reverence befitting aII your utterances, my dear.
Now kindIy expIain it to me.
(Mrs Bennet) Darcy! - PemberIey! why, 1 0,000 a year! - 1 0,000! My joy, accordingIy, is unconfined.
Jane, it appears you must now marry Mr Darcy instead of Mr BingIey.
It is not presentIy my pIan, sir, to marry either gentIeman.
No, but it is your mother's so choose your hymns.
what say you, Miss Price? ShaII Jane be wedded to this Mr Darcy? Oh, Kitty, you are overstimuIated! But Miss Price is quite DeIphic, Mother.
She prefigures aII.
I have no idea.
Perhaps it is EIizabeth who shaII be married.
EIizabeth's not here.
- (Birdsong) - (Crow caws) EIizabeth.
EIizabeth! I am notyou.
You shouId be here.
Oh! There's going to be a baII.
At the baII you meet Darcy.
You have to meet Darcy.
Do you understand? You have to meet him, EIizabeth.
It's what happens.
- (wiId screeches) - (OwI hooting) Oh, I'm so Iooking forward to the prospect of Mr FitzwiIIiam Darcy.
- I hate a man with too much money.
- Mary! That's very modern, and I daresay very cIever, but you wiII obIige me.
Last-minute Iippy, for Iuck.
It's aII the rage in Hammersmith.
This evening, Miss Bennet, make sure you dance with Mr BingIey.
It's important.
Miss Price, youyou reaIIy are aIarming.
ExpIain your meaning.
I can't.
I don't know what wiII happen if I do.
I'm just saying tonight is supposed to be fun.
So have a IoveIy time, with BingIey.
Let's get to work.
- (~ FoIk dance music) - GirIs! Oh, it's a post.
Ladies! How very spIendid you aII Iook.
I'm so pIeased you've come.
(Dancers cIapping in time) wiII you excuse me, Mr BingIey? I think we aII feeI it wouId have been preferabIe had Miss Price remained in Hammersmith rather than perpIexing us here with her radicaI manners.
I disagree cordiaIIy, Mrs Bennet.
I find your guestrefreshing.
- (Cheering) - (Music ends) - Thank you.
what is this, wine? - Punch, madam.
Oh, no, don't go away.
Bit thirsty.
Hm! Miss Price, aIIow me to introduce Miss BingIey.
(Coughing) (CIears throat) How do you do? I am not choking, which must be counted in one's favour.
You're CharIes's sister.
One cannot deny the accusation, however unused to being defined in terms of one's brother.
No accusation, CaroIine.
Your brother's a gentIeman.
- Miss, um - Lucas.
Lucas teIIs me you're come up from town, Miss Price.
- Hammersmith.
- Oh.
Miss Price, you are quite fIushed.
Another refreshing gIass, perhaps? - Ooh.
- we're both in a dream, Miss Price.
More than you know, Mr BingIey.
Now we have coIIided so fortuitousIy, may I beg the honour of the next excursion? You want to dance? Oh, er I'm afraid that's, umnot possibIe.
- You cannot dance a quadriIIe? - I cannot dance a quadriIIe.
Then it shaII be my happy duty to educate you.
AIas, that unrewarding task has been cIaimed by another.
- Another? - Mm-hm.
I fear there may have to be a dueI.
who is to be your dancing master? - Name the dog.
- (Amanda) Don't say it.
Mr Darcy.
- Darcy? - (Amanda) You said it.
Are you certain you have that aright, Miss Price? Darcy! Darcy! A most grievous sIur has been cast upon your character.
Miss Price says she won't dance with me because you've aIready asked her.
- Yes.
- Yes? what fresh Iunacy is this, sir? You've never Iifted a hoof to dance in your Iife.
UntiI this evening, I'd not had the honour of being acquainted with Miss Price.
This is an event of some significance, Miss Price.
Quite unprecedented.
He regards forms of sudden Iocomotion as embIematic of iII breeding.
Hunting, tennis, rising precipitateIy from a chair.
when Miss Price and I dance, there shaII be nothing sudden.
I can't dancethis sort of dance.
Nor I.
Together we shaII make a shambIes.
But we shaII do it with such authority they wiII stare at us to Iearn the step.
Madam? - Oh, um - Oh.
(Music starts) (GiggIes) I don't know what to say.
FortunateIy, we are obIiged onIy to dance.
Look at Miss Price dancing.
(Bennet girIs giggIe) why did you say yes? To spare my friend the humiIiation you contrived for him.
I didn't seek to humiIiate Mr BingIey.
Then your refusaI to dance with him was most iII-adapted to its purpose.
(Music ends) (Amanda) I'm drunk.
I need a fag.
I've got one fag.
Everything I do is wrong.
Everything.
PIease, God, I want to go home.
You even breathe fire.
(Snorts) Oh, gosh! (Gasps) - Miss Price, I - Mr BingIey How can I begin? You and I, we come from very different worIds, more different than you couId possibIy imagine.
Miss Price In my worId, Mr BingIey, aII I ever do is dream about the IoveIiness of your worId (ChuckIes) .
.
the stateIy, eIegant rituaIs and pace of courtship, of Iovemaking, as you caII it, under the gaze of chaperones, of happiness against aII odds, andand marriage.
Here I am, I taIk to you for two minutes, I kiss you and youyou So I'm a IittIe disappointed in myseIf, Mr BingIey.
I feeI Iike those guys who discovered that Stone Age tribe, then gave them the common coId, wiped them out.
Miss Price, I (Sneezes) Oh! No doubt, Miss BingIey, you and your brother find these young provinciaI gentIemen Iacking in metropoIitan refinement? Oh, the young gentIemen we find the acme of particuIarity and taste.
It is the Iadies of the country whose crassness is unparaIIeIed.
As the mother of many daughters you must find it wearying to have to Iead by exampIe.
I do, Miss BingIey.
I do! Miss Price, a word.
According to the Iaws of Christian hospitaIity, Miss Price, I may not turn you out of my house.
Instead, I shaII favour you with a warning.
I do not know how a person Iike you comes to be so friend-Iike with Lizzy.
I fear your infIuence on her.
But as to my other daughters who remain in my care, hear this.
- Do not obstruct them.
- I promise you It is not necessary for you to speak.
Just Iisten.
Do not obstruct any one of them in her quest for a propitious marriage.
If you do and my estate is Iost because of it, something may come over you, Miss Price, Iike a thief in the night, which may not be quite so agreeabIe.
weII, you're a reaI baII-breaker.
Sorry, you don't know what that I understand the sense of your speech weII enough, Miss Price.
Do you understand mine? (Low chatter) I wouId dance but it's impossibIe.
- The carriage fiIIs with freezing air.
- Shh! - Oh! - (Laughter) (Amanda) EIizabeth! It's aII going compIeteIytits-up.
BingIey couIdn't even see Jane under his Oh! EIizabeth! Open this door! (Sighs) (RustIing) (Amanda) ''My dear father, ''I pray you, sir, not to troubIe your mind ''about your most headstrong daughter.
''I quite fIourish in Hammersmith.
''I am minded to sojourn here aIone a whiIe.
'' Er''aIone'' is underIined.
''If I might be so presumptuous as to offer advice to my own father, ''then I wouId admonish him to pay particuIar attentionto Miss Price.
''She is intimateIy acquainted with the doings of our famiIy, ''and I cordiaIIy beIieve her to be its most devoted and formidabIe aIIy.
''Trust her.
Your affectionate daughter, EIizabeth.
'' when Lizzy was ten years oId, I taught her to fIy a kite.
She soon mastered it.
She stood between my arms in front of me, and took the strain.
I beIieve she has taken it ever since.
But as for my trust, you have it.
A rare thing, Miss Price, but Kitty is quite right.
- You are oracuIar.
- Hm-hm! You prophesied Mr Darcy wouId attend the baII and he duIy came.
Did he prove equaI to your expectations? Yes.
And no.
I mean, he's not CoIin Firth.
But even CoIin Firth isn't CoIin Firth.
They had to change the shape of his head with make-up.
But, no, Mr Darcy was pretty spectacuIarIy unfriendIy but that's what one wouId expect.
PhysicaIIy, he fiIIs his britches pretty weII, but he doesn't, you know, fIoat my boat.
AII thataristocratic Ianguor.
I know he can't heIp it, but it's reaIIy not very attractive.
To me.
He does notfIoat your boat? An expression current in Hammersmith, never to be used in front of Lydia.
(ChuckIes) without Lizzy, the equiIibrium of this house isfragiIe.
It is fruitIess to pretend otherwise.
However, your presence among us affords a certain reassurance.
At Ieast to my father.
And to me.
It's very good to have you here.
Thank you.
I'mgIad I can be of service to you, whiIe I'm here.
It is not service, Miss Price, it is friendship.
Yes.
Yes, it is.
(Birdsong) OK, I have no idea how to fix this book, and I cannot sew this bIoody pew thing without stabbing myseIf in the hand.
Ow.
Ah, Miss Lucas, how convenient you are.
How gIad I am of that, Mrs Bennet.
This is aII most industrious.
Miss Price, aIas, is a stranger to handiwork for the church.
I'm sure she wouId bIess you, were you to take charge of her kneeIer.
I may need to unpick aII this and start again, Miss Price.
- EIizabeth sends news? - She writes to her father, not to me.
She cIearIy intends to stay in Hammersmith indefiniteIy.
And how Iong do you pIan to stay here, Miss Price? I intend to trespass on the hospitaIity of this househoId for, er for not much more time.
I hope you stay forever.
Church has had enough from me for today.
Let us have tea.
Mr Bennet (Sighs) Do you show me your finger because it is injured? I wish to know, Mr Bennet, how Iong Miss Price is to remain our guest.
She does not materiaIIy contribute to the running of this househoId.
She is unkempt and indeIicate and not at aII couth! She is upsetting the servants with aII manner of improper remarks! Ahh Oh! (Amanda) EIizabeth.
In the book, your mother sends Jane to NetherfieId on a horse in the rain.
She gets a coId and has to stay the night and that's how BingIey faIIs in Iove with her.
But it's not happening.
Nothing's happening the way it shouId.
Right.
I wiII do my best.
OK? For Jane.
Mr BingIey instructed you to invite me to visit him? Some men find it hard to speak their Iove, except through an intermediary.
It's not uncommon.
You must go.
If I set off for NetherfieId, Miss Price, it wiII sureIy pour with rain.
Look at the sky.
The rain wiII be torrentiaI, and you wiII get very wet.
This is aII how it shouId be.
Trust me.
(Mary) where has my sister gone? (Amanda) NetherfieId.
But there is to be heavy rain.
She'II be soaked and catch the grippe.
Mm-hm.
But this is terribIe.
The infection goes straight to her chest.
The Iast time she contracted it Oh, fooIish girI! She does not know.
- Doesn't know what? - How cIose she was to death! Mama! (Mary) Mama! - (Thunder) - Miss Bennet! Miss Bennet! Jane! Jane has gone to NetherfieId Park in this weather and Miss Price pursues her! Are you so obtuse, Mr Bennet, that you do not see what is the matter here? She has gone to queer Jane's pitch! It is exciting when you bring the Ianguage of the theatre into this house but might this room be returned to the purpose for which it was created? For me to sIeep in undisturbed.
The weather today is uncongeniaI.
Is it? - One tends not to notice.
- (ThundercIap)