Loudermilk (2017) s01e01 Episode Script
A Girl in Trouble Is a Temporary Thing
1 Begin again This time, you should take a bow at the very end It's quite an act you put on Wait till the cameras roll Ladies first.
Thanks.
Okay.
I'm gonna need one large café misto with soy milk, extra hot.
Next, a hot chai latte Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing? I'm ordering.
Yeah, I know, but I was here first, and I'm just getting a black coffee.
One black coffee.
I thought you said "Ladies first"? WOMAN: Name.
Yeah, back there, not here.
Why? What's the difference? Sir, name? Hold on there, sporty.
Uh, the difference is that, over there, I was being chivalrous, and over here, you're being selfish and thoughtless and rude.
You live in a world with other people, okay? Get your nose out of your phone, and you might see that.
My phone? I have the coffee order for work on here.
There's like a hundred drinks on that thing! Why are you getting coffee for the whole office? Have you never heard of Betty Friedan? - No.
- Gloria Steinem? - Not a clue.
- Really? No.
Mnh-mnh.
Not at all.
Maybe you need to be on medication.
I am on medication It's called coffee, and I can't get it because I'm waiting for you to order for everyone in your millennial clown car.
You're an asshole.
- I'm an asshole? - Yes.
- I'm an asshole? - Yes, an asshole.
'Cause let's be real.
If I wasn't young and Let's face it kind of hot, you wouldn't have held that door open for me.
You were flirting.
And then when you realized I showed no interest, you got mad, and then all your chivalry went right out the window.
So, that's how you do it? You just take all your own self-centered behavior and you flip it on me? So now I'm supposed to be the ass Asshole? Coffee for Asshole? Yeah, that's me.
[FRANZ FERDINAND'S "STAND ON THE HORIZON" PLAYS.]
The North Sea sings "Won't you come to me, baby?" Oh, won't you come to me? The North Sea sings "Won't you come to me, baby?" Oh, won't you come to me? The North Sea sings "Won't you come to me, baby?" The North Sea sings Oh, won't you come to me? Okay.
I see we got some new folks.
Uh, I'm Sam Loudermilk.
I'm four years off the sauce, and I am super-duper excited about getting you on the road to sobriety.
- All right.
- Yay.
So, which one of you fuck-ups wants to go first? Don't drink.
Don't drink.
Don't drink.
Actually, I am a recovering meth addict.
Still good advice.
Take a shower.
Hey, come here.
Cisco.
How come you haven't been sharing in group the last couple days? 'Cause everything's going good.
Okay.
So, h-h-how many days are you sober? Um, like Yeah, no, you're lying to me, okay? There's no "um" in sober.
If you're sober, you know exactly how long you been sober.
Yeah, okay, I had a few beers.
What kind of beers? Coors Light.
[SCOFFS.]
That stuff's like water.
That That doesn't count.
- Really? - No! Of course it counts, you dope.
Come on.
I'm really trying, man.
Well, you got to try harder.
Look.
Life's about fucking things up, okay, and then un-fucking the things that you fucked up.
That's what makes you less of a fuck-up, not lying about it.
Thanks.
I'll do better.
Well, just don't do worse.
Mr.
Loudermilk, can I speak to you in private? This isn't private? Well, I suppose it won't come as a surprise to you that I've received numerous anonymous complaints about the way you're leading these meetings.
Who? No, I want names.
I can't give you the names.
I just told you the complaints are anonymous.
It's the bingo bitches, isn't it? Oh, God.
[SIGHS.]
Look, Loudermilk, let's face it You're not warm and fuzzy.
You're hard and angular and uncomfortable.
You're like an IKEA chair who leads sobriety meetings.
But be that as it may, I think the work that your organization does benefits a number of people, and for that reason, I would hate to have to suspend your meetings because of one unruly facilitator.
Okay.
So, am am I getting a prize or or what? I need a favor.
Mrs.
Wilkes is an important member of our church, and right now, she's having trouble with her daughter.
God help me, I have a feeling that your brand of help may be exactly what she needs.
You have a real knack with people who've lost their way.
Yeah, um, women are not exactly my area of expertise, unless you want her to smash all your shit and move out.
My daughter, Claire, she's a good girl Was a good girl.
Is she transitioning? No, she's still a girl, but now, she's a bad girl.
My husband passed recently, and since then, she's gotten out of control.
I try and talk to her about enrolling in one of those heroin schools Rehab.
but she won't listen to me.
Okay.
Well, uh, send her to a meeting.
I'll talk to her.
No.
She'll never do that.
You have to go to her.
Yeah, here's the thing I don't make house calls.
Please.
Father Michael recommended you very highly.
Well, I wouldn't say highly.
Look, Loudermilk.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
You go and talk to Claire, and I won't suspend these meetings or report you for being one of the most horrible people ever to set foot into this All right, fine, fine, fine, I'll do it.
Where exactly will I find this fragile, little flower? [SIGHS.]
[MUFFLED DANCE MUSIC THUMPING.]
Who the fuck are you? Well, spoken like a Disney princess come to life.
Again, who the fuck are you? I'm Sam Loudermilk.
Your mother says you need professional help, but I guess she settled on me.
- My mom's a cunt.
- Oh! [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, she probably is.
She doesn't know shit about me or what I want in my life, so get the fuck out of here, asshole.
I just want to get something out of the way right up front here.
Okay, I understand there's a shit-ton of sexual chemistry going back and forth between you and me - but it's not gonna happen.
- [SCOFFS.]
Gross! You're like 70! Oh, I'm gross? You're like 14 pounds.
- Fuck you, man! - Yeah.
Hyperbole for comic effect doesn't feel so good, does it? Why don't you let me in? Fine.
Come on in.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[MUSIC CONTINUES.]
This is my boyfriend, Wyatt.
Yeah? Don't care.
So, you realize you got to tell me if you're filming me, right? Why would I be filming you? - [LIGHTER CLICKS.]
- Well, I figure there's got to be a crew from "Hoarders" around here somewhere.
So, what's up? Are you lashing out at the unfeeling universe because dad's dead, or? I-I What's your deal? I don't have a deal.
I live my life the way I want to live it.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
See ya.
What? What, what? That's it? - Yeah, that's it.
- [SCOFFS.]
Aren't you supposed to, like, try harder or something? Let me break this down for you.
I don't know you.
I don't give a fuck about you.
You want to drink and drug yourself to an early grave, great.
You're doing great.
So why did you even come here? Morbid curiosity.
I wanted to see if you were half the shit show your mother said you were.
Fuck you, man! Here.
That's my number.
You want help, call it.
You want to come to a meeting, great.
If not, exactly zero shits will be given by me.
Dude, you better get the fuck out of here now! Yeah, I'm I-I'm going.
Not 'cause I'm afraid of you, but 'cause it smells like two garbage cans have been fucking in here.
Coming through.
[GRUNTS.]
Hey, Greatest Generation, come on, pick it up a bit.
[SNAPPING FINGERS.]
Let's go.
I'm trying.
Well, pretend I'm Ike and that's Normandy, and storm that shit.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Oh, my God.
Hey, watch it! This Fender Kingman is six months of your rent! Well it must be a piece of shit, then, 'cause I share an alley-view apartment with another dude.
[SIGHS.]
Hi.
Hey.
Uh, this is kind of embarrassing, but I think you have a chair stuck to your back.
What? Where? Other Other shoulder.
Yeah, just keep Nope.
No, no.
Too far.
Back.
- Oh! [LAUGHS.]
- Ah, there you go.
Probably got it snagged at a restaurant or something the last couple days.
Oh, crap.
Not again.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm, um, Allison.
I just moved into 2-C.
Sam, 2-B or not to be That is my apartment.
[LAUGHS.]
It actually is 2-B, though, so there's no confusion.
[GUITAR CASE THUDS.]
Oh, Mr.
Ellis, I was gonna call you - about starting guitar lessons.
- [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
You okay? Yeah, sure, I'm from the Greatest Generation.
- Right, buddy? - Uh, hey.
Can I help you with that, sir? That looks pretty heavy there.
You sure you don't want to push me down again? This guy body-checked me on the stairs.
No, I scooted past you, okay, with minimal contact.
I scooted.
Who rushes past an elderly person - and body-checks them? - I didn't body-check him.
I might've bumped him a little bit, okay? But that's it.
He Look, he's old.
They exaggerate.
Well, I guess it's not 2-B.
[TO BE.]
- [DOOR SLAMS.]
- Ass-head.
So, then he called me an ass-head, and she slams the door in my face.
Well, I mean, the ass-head thing is fair.
Yeah, but she didn't know that yet.
Okay? I was charming the balls off her.
You know, I got a question Why were you pushing an old man out of your way? 'Cause I was in a hurry.
In a hurry for what? You got nowhere to be.
Well, maybe I want to get nowhere faster.
So, you gonna try to make it up to her? I don't know.
- What's the point? [SIGHS.]
- What's the point? Well, the point is, this is the first woman you've had even a remotely meaningful connection with - in like four years.
- Yeah.
She did really like my chair-on-the-shoulder bit, which I ad-libbed.
[LAUGHS.]
That is funny, when it looks like a chair's stuck to you.
Yeah.
Well, now you just got to make it up to her, you know? Show her that you're a thoughtful, sensitive guy.
You mean fool her? Yes.
How? No, no, no, no, no, no.
You're banned from the store, Loudermilk.
I'm sick of you calling me a douche.
Relax.
I come in peace.
I don't want to argue about why Nirvana wouldn't exist without the bubblegum hits of the late '60s.
[SCOFFS.]
Man, that's so reductive.
Reductive? Are we just making words up now? Just because Cobain said in one interview that the 1910 Fruitgum Company's version - of "Yummy Yummy Yummy" - Okay.
Hey, hey.
All right, all right.
Hey, Captain Pompous, relax.
Get your talking points together.
We'll get back to this.
We're on a mission here.
Fine.
What are you looking for? Loudermilk knocked an old man down some stairs in front of our hot new neighbor, so he's trying to make up for that.
Jesus, dude.
You're the fucking worst, man.
Oh, really? I'm the worst? I'm worse than Hitler? I'm worse than Saul Zaentz? I'm worse than Pol Pot? Hey, isn't it weird that a guy with "pot" in his name turns out to be so totally bogus? [BOTH LAUGH.]
You've been sitting on that for a while, haven't you? An incredibly long time.
Thank you for teeing it up.
- Sure.
- Who the hell's Saul Zaentz? You don't know Saul Zaentz? Asshole record producer, tried to charge Creedence to play their own music? We had to listen to "Put Me In Coach" for 20 years 'cause of that motherfucker? I love "Centerfield.
" Well, you're an idiot.
Look, man, I got to tell you, as your sponsor and your only friend, you really make it hard for people to like you.
What are you talking about? I'm a people person.
Unless the people act like total dickbags, which they always do.
Always do! [SIGHS.]
Oh.
Andrés Segovia.
He's the greatest classical guitarist in the world playing a bunch of romantic crap.
- She'd like that shit, right? - Yeah.
Yeah, it shows that you were paying attention to her interests, and it's got the added bonus of being obscure, which pretentious chicks love.
You think she's pretentious? I don't know.
Let's hope so.
- Great.
Let's get out of here.
- Okay.
Wait.
How is she gonna listen to it? Why do I give a shit if she listens to it? Come on, Loudermilk! Please.
Stop half-assing it.
I mean, finish something for once in Here we are.
This is good.
Perfect.
Ben to the rescue again.
Oh.
Cheap only 60 bucks.
Okay.
Uh, one more favor.
No, I-I'm broke.
Bullshit.
You got a hundo in your pocket.
I saw it when I was rifling through your pants this morning.
Why are you rifling through my pants, man? So you can't pull this "I'm broke" bullshit! You know, you really are an ass-head.
[SIGHS.]
[KEY CHAIN RATTLING.]
Oh.
Hey, Allison.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Sam.
Remember? From the Yeah, yeah.
I-I-I remember.
Listen, yesterday, I didn't make a very good first impression, and, uh The thing is is I'm a counselor for people who abuse drugs and alcohol, so I'm dealing with people who stack lies on top of lies all day, and you got to be sometimes You know, you got to be a little blunt.
You got to be a little harsh to cut through the bullshit with that.
Um, but, uh, I recognize that it bleeds over a little bit into my personal life, so, uh It must be tough.
It's not an excuse to be rude, though, so I just wanted Well, I want to give you this.
You know, you said you were learning guitar.
This is Andrés Segovia.
He's the Hendrix of guitar players.
I He's terrific.
You're gonna like him.
His only failing, really, is he didn't O.
D.
, so nobody knows who he is, but, uh yeah.
That's really nice of you, Sam, but I don't have any way to play it.
Oh, well, yeah, you do.
I got a Comes with a There's a [LAUGHS.]
Wow.
- Um, thank you.
- a latch.
Sure.
There you go.
There you are.
You piece of trash.
I came to you for help, but you did nothing! No, actually, you made it worse.
This is one of those fuck-ups that I was telling you about, okay? I think she's on the bath salts or some Don't you lie to her! You called my daughter a slob and then tried to proposition her.
No, no, no, no, hey, what I said was that I would not fuck her.
[GASPS.]
Then you insulted her hygiene.
Yes.
But you got to admit, the girl smells a little bit like a rotting corpse, no? You may have fooled Father Michael, but I can see you for the worthless human being you are.
You make me sick.
So, Segovia is the first guy to ever put nylon strings on a guitar, and that blew his sound open, and it, uh, made the fingering Enjoy.
Hey.
Check it.
We've been kicked out 'cause of you.
[DOORKNOB RATTLES.]
Unbelievable.
Like, what kind of monster evicts you using Comic Sans? Come on, Mike.
You can't just kick us out.
I just did.
What about all the people who need help? Well, that's on you, Loudermilk.
I made it very clear what would happen if you didn't do your part.
Unlike you, I stick to my word.
Yeah, I'm not a miracle worker like the bearded guy that you love so much.
You mean Jesus? You asked me to talk to the girl, - and I talked to her.
- You should have tried harder! I tried plenty hard.
She didn't go for it.
My decision is final.
You brought this on yourself.
So that's it? Yep, that's it.
Okay.
Fine.
You know what? I don't need you.
I can think of a million places that will happily open up their doors to some people in need.
I started jerking off a few guys for meth money.
No big deal.
Before you know it, I was giving a couple of B.
J.
's.
Then it seems like I wasn't going more than five minutes without a dick in my mouth.
Then I hit rock bottom.
Yeah, one day, I find myself in lockup, getting into a shouting match with a some know-it-all about whether it's better to work the tip or the shaft while diddling the balls.
[SIGHS.]
That That wasn't me.
LOUDERMILK: Okay.
Okay, good sharing.
That's powerful stuff.
This was a horrible, horrible idea.
Uh, and that's on me.
We got to get back to the church, but I-I-I'm gonna figure it out.
I don't want you guys to worry about it.
You're my number-one priority, okay? Let's go.
I'm not a biologist or anything, but, uh it would have to be the shaft, right? [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
because that's where all the nerves are.
Working the balls, though, that that's a power move.
Really a matter of contrast.
Guys, let's go! Hey, Father.
All right, so, I'm outside of a place called, uh, Kock Blockerz.
That sound right? That is the worst name for a strip club I have ever heard.
Well, I don't think they understand marketing.
So, if if I talk to Claire, you're gonna let us back in the church, right? - I'm a man of my word, Loudermilk.
- All right.
I haven't been in a bar in five years, so I hope you sleep well tonight.
All right, let's do it for the kids.
[GROANS.]
[ROCK 'N' ROLL PLAYING ON STEREO.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh, this sucks.
This sucks, this sucks, this sucks.
Hm, could be worse.
Can I get you a drink? No.
No, no, no, no.
La, la, la, la, la, la.
[MUSIC CONTINUES.]
Yay.
There she is.
Hey, Claire.
Hi.
It's you.
This asshole from my house.
Aww.
You're sweet to remember.
Listen, I want to spitball with you for a minute here.
I told my mom what you said to me, and she was pissed.
Yeah, well, you wanted to get me in trouble, it worked.
Oh.
You got busted.
- Oh.
- Ow.
Hey! No touching.
I'm I'm not touching anybody.
She's touching me.
It's okay.
I know him.
Take it into the champagne room.
Yeah, we're going.
Thank you.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
[MUSIC CONTINUES.]
Ah, here.
Let's get you some fresh air, come on.
[RETCHING.]
[SNIFFLES, COUGHS.]
[GROANS.]
So, as glamorous and fun as this all seems, I've seen it before, and it doesn't end well.
You don't know anything.
I know how to barf without getting it on my shoes.
[SIGHS.]
[BREATHES SHAKILY.]
[SIGHS.]
Here.
Just try not to get too much puke on it.
Why are you bothering me? I'm trying to help.
You can't help me.
Nobody can.
Get the fuck over yourself.
Really.
Come on.
If you think you're the only person who You think I don't know misery and pain? I was married for eight years.
And what happened? She dumped your ass? Big fucking surprise.
No, not exactly.
I took us out for a spin one night after a couple bottles of Jack and wrapped the car around a tree.
I was okay.
She wasn't.
Shit happens.
What are you gonna do? Hurting yourself is easy, but living is hard.
So, Claire, what's the thing? Okay? What's the big problem that nobody can help you with? Come on.
I'm in I'm in suspense, here.
I'm not gonna be able to sleep at night.
Just Just say it.
What the fuck is it? [VOICE BREAKING.]
I just I really miss my dad.
- [CRYING.]
- Yeah.
Okay.
I know you do.
Hey, dude, get away from my girlfriend! [SIGHS.]
Guys, guys, guys.
She's upset, all right? I just gave an awesome speech.
Please tell me you heard some of it.
No, man, we missed it.
Let's here it again, Shakespeare.
Come on.
All right.
[GROANS.]
Hey.
I've been dicking around all night looking for this girl so I can help some people with real problems.
Okay? So why don't you assholes get out of my way, or we're gonna do this the hard way? So, how'd you know to call me? There were only three numbers in his phone.
You're the only one that answered.
That's really, really pathetic.
- [COUGHS.]
- Oh.
[SPITS.]
- Oh.
- Oh, my God.
Gross.
I'm out of here.
Is Is he okay? Oh, who? Ass-head Sam? No, he's fine.
[GRUNTS.]
Hey, I'm kind-hearted Ben, by the way.
[SIGHS.]
What the hell were you doing in a bar? Okay, you're a drunk.
I'm a drunk.
Guys like us can't do that.
I had to find the kid.
It was fine.
Yeah, yeah, looks like it went really great.
You got to call me next time, man, okay? You're not ready to be alone like that.
Ow! Ow! Oh.
Seriously? They punched your feet? [SIGHS.]
This'll help with the swelling.
Oh, thank you.
Hey, the teenage girl that I came in with You know I'm not hitting that, right? Yeah, Ben filled me in on that.
Oh, thanks.
Would it be all right if we forgot about all that business earlier and started over? Are you gonna stop pushing old people down stairs? Can't make any promises.
Okay.
I got to go, Sam.
Give me a shout if you guys need anything.
Thank you.
I get it.
You staged the beatdown so you can garner the sympathy of our hot neighbor.
You are a tactical genius.
Listen, I'm gonna close my eyes.
If I die in my sleep, the Netflix password is "Dianne" underscore "Wiest03.
" Well, I hope you don't die 'cause those are terrible last words.
You've earned it.
The meeting room or the beating? [CHUCKLES.]
[SIGHS.]
Oh, good.
Uh, go on in and set up the chairs.
I'll be in in a minute.
- Can I ask you something? - What? Did that hurt? - Yeah.
- Good.
'Cause you made me talk about giving B.
J.
's where I get my lattes.
Who are you again? Never mind.
Loudermilk.
You got a visitor here.
Oh.
I, uh I wanted to give this back to you.
- Hm.
- I washed it.
You didn't have to do that.
After I threw up on it.
I'd really like you to have it.
You were, um, right, by the way.
Hurting myself is easy, and living is the hard part.
Hm.
Well, even a blind squirrel's right twice a day.
So, uh, you're here.
You want to stick around for the meeting? Uh, yeah, I, um I can't tonight.
No? But maybe another time.
How about next week? Maybe.
Okay.
See you maybe.
[SIGHS.]
That's right.
You're blowjob guy.
- Uh - BEN: Hi.
Hey.
Uh, is Sam around? Oh, no, he's, uh, still out running his meeting at the church where he does That's where he does them.
Normally, I'd invite you in, but you just caught me coming out of the shower.
In In your clothes? Okay, thanks for coming by.
I'll let him know.
[SIGHS.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Thanks.
Okay.
I'm gonna need one large café misto with soy milk, extra hot.
Next, a hot chai latte Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing? I'm ordering.
Yeah, I know, but I was here first, and I'm just getting a black coffee.
One black coffee.
I thought you said "Ladies first"? WOMAN: Name.
Yeah, back there, not here.
Why? What's the difference? Sir, name? Hold on there, sporty.
Uh, the difference is that, over there, I was being chivalrous, and over here, you're being selfish and thoughtless and rude.
You live in a world with other people, okay? Get your nose out of your phone, and you might see that.
My phone? I have the coffee order for work on here.
There's like a hundred drinks on that thing! Why are you getting coffee for the whole office? Have you never heard of Betty Friedan? - No.
- Gloria Steinem? - Not a clue.
- Really? No.
Mnh-mnh.
Not at all.
Maybe you need to be on medication.
I am on medication It's called coffee, and I can't get it because I'm waiting for you to order for everyone in your millennial clown car.
You're an asshole.
- I'm an asshole? - Yes.
- I'm an asshole? - Yes, an asshole.
'Cause let's be real.
If I wasn't young and Let's face it kind of hot, you wouldn't have held that door open for me.
You were flirting.
And then when you realized I showed no interest, you got mad, and then all your chivalry went right out the window.
So, that's how you do it? You just take all your own self-centered behavior and you flip it on me? So now I'm supposed to be the ass Asshole? Coffee for Asshole? Yeah, that's me.
[FRANZ FERDINAND'S "STAND ON THE HORIZON" PLAYS.]
The North Sea sings "Won't you come to me, baby?" Oh, won't you come to me? The North Sea sings "Won't you come to me, baby?" Oh, won't you come to me? The North Sea sings "Won't you come to me, baby?" The North Sea sings Oh, won't you come to me? Okay.
I see we got some new folks.
Uh, I'm Sam Loudermilk.
I'm four years off the sauce, and I am super-duper excited about getting you on the road to sobriety.
- All right.
- Yay.
So, which one of you fuck-ups wants to go first? Don't drink.
Don't drink.
Don't drink.
Actually, I am a recovering meth addict.
Still good advice.
Take a shower.
Hey, come here.
Cisco.
How come you haven't been sharing in group the last couple days? 'Cause everything's going good.
Okay.
So, h-h-how many days are you sober? Um, like Yeah, no, you're lying to me, okay? There's no "um" in sober.
If you're sober, you know exactly how long you been sober.
Yeah, okay, I had a few beers.
What kind of beers? Coors Light.
[SCOFFS.]
That stuff's like water.
That That doesn't count.
- Really? - No! Of course it counts, you dope.
Come on.
I'm really trying, man.
Well, you got to try harder.
Look.
Life's about fucking things up, okay, and then un-fucking the things that you fucked up.
That's what makes you less of a fuck-up, not lying about it.
Thanks.
I'll do better.
Well, just don't do worse.
Mr.
Loudermilk, can I speak to you in private? This isn't private? Well, I suppose it won't come as a surprise to you that I've received numerous anonymous complaints about the way you're leading these meetings.
Who? No, I want names.
I can't give you the names.
I just told you the complaints are anonymous.
It's the bingo bitches, isn't it? Oh, God.
[SIGHS.]
Look, Loudermilk, let's face it You're not warm and fuzzy.
You're hard and angular and uncomfortable.
You're like an IKEA chair who leads sobriety meetings.
But be that as it may, I think the work that your organization does benefits a number of people, and for that reason, I would hate to have to suspend your meetings because of one unruly facilitator.
Okay.
So, am am I getting a prize or or what? I need a favor.
Mrs.
Wilkes is an important member of our church, and right now, she's having trouble with her daughter.
God help me, I have a feeling that your brand of help may be exactly what she needs.
You have a real knack with people who've lost their way.
Yeah, um, women are not exactly my area of expertise, unless you want her to smash all your shit and move out.
My daughter, Claire, she's a good girl Was a good girl.
Is she transitioning? No, she's still a girl, but now, she's a bad girl.
My husband passed recently, and since then, she's gotten out of control.
I try and talk to her about enrolling in one of those heroin schools Rehab.
but she won't listen to me.
Okay.
Well, uh, send her to a meeting.
I'll talk to her.
No.
She'll never do that.
You have to go to her.
Yeah, here's the thing I don't make house calls.
Please.
Father Michael recommended you very highly.
Well, I wouldn't say highly.
Look, Loudermilk.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
You go and talk to Claire, and I won't suspend these meetings or report you for being one of the most horrible people ever to set foot into this All right, fine, fine, fine, I'll do it.
Where exactly will I find this fragile, little flower? [SIGHS.]
[MUFFLED DANCE MUSIC THUMPING.]
Who the fuck are you? Well, spoken like a Disney princess come to life.
Again, who the fuck are you? I'm Sam Loudermilk.
Your mother says you need professional help, but I guess she settled on me.
- My mom's a cunt.
- Oh! [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, she probably is.
She doesn't know shit about me or what I want in my life, so get the fuck out of here, asshole.
I just want to get something out of the way right up front here.
Okay, I understand there's a shit-ton of sexual chemistry going back and forth between you and me - but it's not gonna happen.
- [SCOFFS.]
Gross! You're like 70! Oh, I'm gross? You're like 14 pounds.
- Fuck you, man! - Yeah.
Hyperbole for comic effect doesn't feel so good, does it? Why don't you let me in? Fine.
Come on in.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[MUSIC CONTINUES.]
This is my boyfriend, Wyatt.
Yeah? Don't care.
So, you realize you got to tell me if you're filming me, right? Why would I be filming you? - [LIGHTER CLICKS.]
- Well, I figure there's got to be a crew from "Hoarders" around here somewhere.
So, what's up? Are you lashing out at the unfeeling universe because dad's dead, or? I-I What's your deal? I don't have a deal.
I live my life the way I want to live it.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
See ya.
What? What, what? That's it? - Yeah, that's it.
- [SCOFFS.]
Aren't you supposed to, like, try harder or something? Let me break this down for you.
I don't know you.
I don't give a fuck about you.
You want to drink and drug yourself to an early grave, great.
You're doing great.
So why did you even come here? Morbid curiosity.
I wanted to see if you were half the shit show your mother said you were.
Fuck you, man! Here.
That's my number.
You want help, call it.
You want to come to a meeting, great.
If not, exactly zero shits will be given by me.
Dude, you better get the fuck out of here now! Yeah, I'm I-I'm going.
Not 'cause I'm afraid of you, but 'cause it smells like two garbage cans have been fucking in here.
Coming through.
[GRUNTS.]
Hey, Greatest Generation, come on, pick it up a bit.
[SNAPPING FINGERS.]
Let's go.
I'm trying.
Well, pretend I'm Ike and that's Normandy, and storm that shit.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Oh, my God.
Hey, watch it! This Fender Kingman is six months of your rent! Well it must be a piece of shit, then, 'cause I share an alley-view apartment with another dude.
[SIGHS.]
Hi.
Hey.
Uh, this is kind of embarrassing, but I think you have a chair stuck to your back.
What? Where? Other Other shoulder.
Yeah, just keep Nope.
No, no.
Too far.
Back.
- Oh! [LAUGHS.]
- Ah, there you go.
Probably got it snagged at a restaurant or something the last couple days.
Oh, crap.
Not again.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm, um, Allison.
I just moved into 2-C.
Sam, 2-B or not to be That is my apartment.
[LAUGHS.]
It actually is 2-B, though, so there's no confusion.
[GUITAR CASE THUDS.]
Oh, Mr.
Ellis, I was gonna call you - about starting guitar lessons.
- [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
You okay? Yeah, sure, I'm from the Greatest Generation.
- Right, buddy? - Uh, hey.
Can I help you with that, sir? That looks pretty heavy there.
You sure you don't want to push me down again? This guy body-checked me on the stairs.
No, I scooted past you, okay, with minimal contact.
I scooted.
Who rushes past an elderly person - and body-checks them? - I didn't body-check him.
I might've bumped him a little bit, okay? But that's it.
He Look, he's old.
They exaggerate.
Well, I guess it's not 2-B.
[TO BE.]
- [DOOR SLAMS.]
- Ass-head.
So, then he called me an ass-head, and she slams the door in my face.
Well, I mean, the ass-head thing is fair.
Yeah, but she didn't know that yet.
Okay? I was charming the balls off her.
You know, I got a question Why were you pushing an old man out of your way? 'Cause I was in a hurry.
In a hurry for what? You got nowhere to be.
Well, maybe I want to get nowhere faster.
So, you gonna try to make it up to her? I don't know.
- What's the point? [SIGHS.]
- What's the point? Well, the point is, this is the first woman you've had even a remotely meaningful connection with - in like four years.
- Yeah.
She did really like my chair-on-the-shoulder bit, which I ad-libbed.
[LAUGHS.]
That is funny, when it looks like a chair's stuck to you.
Yeah.
Well, now you just got to make it up to her, you know? Show her that you're a thoughtful, sensitive guy.
You mean fool her? Yes.
How? No, no, no, no, no, no.
You're banned from the store, Loudermilk.
I'm sick of you calling me a douche.
Relax.
I come in peace.
I don't want to argue about why Nirvana wouldn't exist without the bubblegum hits of the late '60s.
[SCOFFS.]
Man, that's so reductive.
Reductive? Are we just making words up now? Just because Cobain said in one interview that the 1910 Fruitgum Company's version - of "Yummy Yummy Yummy" - Okay.
Hey, hey.
All right, all right.
Hey, Captain Pompous, relax.
Get your talking points together.
We'll get back to this.
We're on a mission here.
Fine.
What are you looking for? Loudermilk knocked an old man down some stairs in front of our hot new neighbor, so he's trying to make up for that.
Jesus, dude.
You're the fucking worst, man.
Oh, really? I'm the worst? I'm worse than Hitler? I'm worse than Saul Zaentz? I'm worse than Pol Pot? Hey, isn't it weird that a guy with "pot" in his name turns out to be so totally bogus? [BOTH LAUGH.]
You've been sitting on that for a while, haven't you? An incredibly long time.
Thank you for teeing it up.
- Sure.
- Who the hell's Saul Zaentz? You don't know Saul Zaentz? Asshole record producer, tried to charge Creedence to play their own music? We had to listen to "Put Me In Coach" for 20 years 'cause of that motherfucker? I love "Centerfield.
" Well, you're an idiot.
Look, man, I got to tell you, as your sponsor and your only friend, you really make it hard for people to like you.
What are you talking about? I'm a people person.
Unless the people act like total dickbags, which they always do.
Always do! [SIGHS.]
Oh.
Andrés Segovia.
He's the greatest classical guitarist in the world playing a bunch of romantic crap.
- She'd like that shit, right? - Yeah.
Yeah, it shows that you were paying attention to her interests, and it's got the added bonus of being obscure, which pretentious chicks love.
You think she's pretentious? I don't know.
Let's hope so.
- Great.
Let's get out of here.
- Okay.
Wait.
How is she gonna listen to it? Why do I give a shit if she listens to it? Come on, Loudermilk! Please.
Stop half-assing it.
I mean, finish something for once in Here we are.
This is good.
Perfect.
Ben to the rescue again.
Oh.
Cheap only 60 bucks.
Okay.
Uh, one more favor.
No, I-I'm broke.
Bullshit.
You got a hundo in your pocket.
I saw it when I was rifling through your pants this morning.
Why are you rifling through my pants, man? So you can't pull this "I'm broke" bullshit! You know, you really are an ass-head.
[SIGHS.]
[KEY CHAIN RATTLING.]
Oh.
Hey, Allison.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Sam.
Remember? From the Yeah, yeah.
I-I-I remember.
Listen, yesterday, I didn't make a very good first impression, and, uh The thing is is I'm a counselor for people who abuse drugs and alcohol, so I'm dealing with people who stack lies on top of lies all day, and you got to be sometimes You know, you got to be a little blunt.
You got to be a little harsh to cut through the bullshit with that.
Um, but, uh, I recognize that it bleeds over a little bit into my personal life, so, uh It must be tough.
It's not an excuse to be rude, though, so I just wanted Well, I want to give you this.
You know, you said you were learning guitar.
This is Andrés Segovia.
He's the Hendrix of guitar players.
I He's terrific.
You're gonna like him.
His only failing, really, is he didn't O.
D.
, so nobody knows who he is, but, uh yeah.
That's really nice of you, Sam, but I don't have any way to play it.
Oh, well, yeah, you do.
I got a Comes with a There's a [LAUGHS.]
Wow.
- Um, thank you.
- a latch.
Sure.
There you go.
There you are.
You piece of trash.
I came to you for help, but you did nothing! No, actually, you made it worse.
This is one of those fuck-ups that I was telling you about, okay? I think she's on the bath salts or some Don't you lie to her! You called my daughter a slob and then tried to proposition her.
No, no, no, no, hey, what I said was that I would not fuck her.
[GASPS.]
Then you insulted her hygiene.
Yes.
But you got to admit, the girl smells a little bit like a rotting corpse, no? You may have fooled Father Michael, but I can see you for the worthless human being you are.
You make me sick.
So, Segovia is the first guy to ever put nylon strings on a guitar, and that blew his sound open, and it, uh, made the fingering Enjoy.
Hey.
Check it.
We've been kicked out 'cause of you.
[DOORKNOB RATTLES.]
Unbelievable.
Like, what kind of monster evicts you using Comic Sans? Come on, Mike.
You can't just kick us out.
I just did.
What about all the people who need help? Well, that's on you, Loudermilk.
I made it very clear what would happen if you didn't do your part.
Unlike you, I stick to my word.
Yeah, I'm not a miracle worker like the bearded guy that you love so much.
You mean Jesus? You asked me to talk to the girl, - and I talked to her.
- You should have tried harder! I tried plenty hard.
She didn't go for it.
My decision is final.
You brought this on yourself.
So that's it? Yep, that's it.
Okay.
Fine.
You know what? I don't need you.
I can think of a million places that will happily open up their doors to some people in need.
I started jerking off a few guys for meth money.
No big deal.
Before you know it, I was giving a couple of B.
J.
's.
Then it seems like I wasn't going more than five minutes without a dick in my mouth.
Then I hit rock bottom.
Yeah, one day, I find myself in lockup, getting into a shouting match with a some know-it-all about whether it's better to work the tip or the shaft while diddling the balls.
[SIGHS.]
That That wasn't me.
LOUDERMILK: Okay.
Okay, good sharing.
That's powerful stuff.
This was a horrible, horrible idea.
Uh, and that's on me.
We got to get back to the church, but I-I-I'm gonna figure it out.
I don't want you guys to worry about it.
You're my number-one priority, okay? Let's go.
I'm not a biologist or anything, but, uh it would have to be the shaft, right? [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
because that's where all the nerves are.
Working the balls, though, that that's a power move.
Really a matter of contrast.
Guys, let's go! Hey, Father.
All right, so, I'm outside of a place called, uh, Kock Blockerz.
That sound right? That is the worst name for a strip club I have ever heard.
Well, I don't think they understand marketing.
So, if if I talk to Claire, you're gonna let us back in the church, right? - I'm a man of my word, Loudermilk.
- All right.
I haven't been in a bar in five years, so I hope you sleep well tonight.
All right, let's do it for the kids.
[GROANS.]
[ROCK 'N' ROLL PLAYING ON STEREO.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh, this sucks.
This sucks, this sucks, this sucks.
Hm, could be worse.
Can I get you a drink? No.
No, no, no, no.
La, la, la, la, la, la.
[MUSIC CONTINUES.]
Yay.
There she is.
Hey, Claire.
Hi.
It's you.
This asshole from my house.
Aww.
You're sweet to remember.
Listen, I want to spitball with you for a minute here.
I told my mom what you said to me, and she was pissed.
Yeah, well, you wanted to get me in trouble, it worked.
Oh.
You got busted.
- Oh.
- Ow.
Hey! No touching.
I'm I'm not touching anybody.
She's touching me.
It's okay.
I know him.
Take it into the champagne room.
Yeah, we're going.
Thank you.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
[MUSIC CONTINUES.]
Ah, here.
Let's get you some fresh air, come on.
[RETCHING.]
[SNIFFLES, COUGHS.]
[GROANS.]
So, as glamorous and fun as this all seems, I've seen it before, and it doesn't end well.
You don't know anything.
I know how to barf without getting it on my shoes.
[SIGHS.]
[BREATHES SHAKILY.]
[SIGHS.]
Here.
Just try not to get too much puke on it.
Why are you bothering me? I'm trying to help.
You can't help me.
Nobody can.
Get the fuck over yourself.
Really.
Come on.
If you think you're the only person who You think I don't know misery and pain? I was married for eight years.
And what happened? She dumped your ass? Big fucking surprise.
No, not exactly.
I took us out for a spin one night after a couple bottles of Jack and wrapped the car around a tree.
I was okay.
She wasn't.
Shit happens.
What are you gonna do? Hurting yourself is easy, but living is hard.
So, Claire, what's the thing? Okay? What's the big problem that nobody can help you with? Come on.
I'm in I'm in suspense, here.
I'm not gonna be able to sleep at night.
Just Just say it.
What the fuck is it? [VOICE BREAKING.]
I just I really miss my dad.
- [CRYING.]
- Yeah.
Okay.
I know you do.
Hey, dude, get away from my girlfriend! [SIGHS.]
Guys, guys, guys.
She's upset, all right? I just gave an awesome speech.
Please tell me you heard some of it.
No, man, we missed it.
Let's here it again, Shakespeare.
Come on.
All right.
[GROANS.]
Hey.
I've been dicking around all night looking for this girl so I can help some people with real problems.
Okay? So why don't you assholes get out of my way, or we're gonna do this the hard way? So, how'd you know to call me? There were only three numbers in his phone.
You're the only one that answered.
That's really, really pathetic.
- [COUGHS.]
- Oh.
[SPITS.]
- Oh.
- Oh, my God.
Gross.
I'm out of here.
Is Is he okay? Oh, who? Ass-head Sam? No, he's fine.
[GRUNTS.]
Hey, I'm kind-hearted Ben, by the way.
[SIGHS.]
What the hell were you doing in a bar? Okay, you're a drunk.
I'm a drunk.
Guys like us can't do that.
I had to find the kid.
It was fine.
Yeah, yeah, looks like it went really great.
You got to call me next time, man, okay? You're not ready to be alone like that.
Ow! Ow! Oh.
Seriously? They punched your feet? [SIGHS.]
This'll help with the swelling.
Oh, thank you.
Hey, the teenage girl that I came in with You know I'm not hitting that, right? Yeah, Ben filled me in on that.
Oh, thanks.
Would it be all right if we forgot about all that business earlier and started over? Are you gonna stop pushing old people down stairs? Can't make any promises.
Okay.
I got to go, Sam.
Give me a shout if you guys need anything.
Thank you.
I get it.
You staged the beatdown so you can garner the sympathy of our hot neighbor.
You are a tactical genius.
Listen, I'm gonna close my eyes.
If I die in my sleep, the Netflix password is "Dianne" underscore "Wiest03.
" Well, I hope you don't die 'cause those are terrible last words.
You've earned it.
The meeting room or the beating? [CHUCKLES.]
[SIGHS.]
Oh, good.
Uh, go on in and set up the chairs.
I'll be in in a minute.
- Can I ask you something? - What? Did that hurt? - Yeah.
- Good.
'Cause you made me talk about giving B.
J.
's where I get my lattes.
Who are you again? Never mind.
Loudermilk.
You got a visitor here.
Oh.
I, uh I wanted to give this back to you.
- Hm.
- I washed it.
You didn't have to do that.
After I threw up on it.
I'd really like you to have it.
You were, um, right, by the way.
Hurting myself is easy, and living is the hard part.
Hm.
Well, even a blind squirrel's right twice a day.
So, uh, you're here.
You want to stick around for the meeting? Uh, yeah, I, um I can't tonight.
No? But maybe another time.
How about next week? Maybe.
Okay.
See you maybe.
[SIGHS.]
That's right.
You're blowjob guy.
- Uh - BEN: Hi.
Hey.
Uh, is Sam around? Oh, no, he's, uh, still out running his meeting at the church where he does That's where he does them.
Normally, I'd invite you in, but you just caught me coming out of the shower.
In In your clothes? Okay, thanks for coming by.
I'll let him know.
[SIGHS.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]