Love Life (2020) s01e01 Episode Script

[female narrator] Our love lives
can quite easily be reduced to data.
For instance,
by the time the average person
ends up with the love of their life,
they will have been
in seven relationships.
Of those, two are often
long-term relationships,
while the rest are a mix
of short-term flings,
casual dating, and one-night stands.
The average person will also fall in love
two of those times
and have their heart broken twice as well.
Yet behind all of those numbers,
there is always a much bigger story.
This is the story of Darby Carter.
Darby doesn't remember
her parents ever being married.
They got divorced when she was four,
and she spent her childhood
being shuttled back and forth
between their new houses
and new families.
Coward. Won't even come to the door.
It's fine, Mom.
[narrator] This made Darby feel
like a permanent hotel guest,
one who couldn't stay
past twelve o'clock checkout.
Hi, Larry.
[narrator] As a result,
Darby's adolescence
was marked by myriad
misguided attempts at connection.
You didn't have to walk me home.
Oh, but my house is just up there.
I didn't know you lived up here.
- Bye.
- Bye.
[narrator] Darby had no idea
where she was,
and she was so nervous
that this young man
would find out she'd been lying,
that she took an anxiety poo
in his family's yard.
When Darby moved to New York
for university,
she imagined she'd become
a cosmopolitan woman.
[Darby] Okay, yeah. Hi.
[narrator] In reality, it was fun,
but slightly empty.
Get the curtain.
[Darby shrieks]
[narrator] Darby started to wonder
if she'd ever reach the next level,
where you're really dating someone,
where you don't change your outfit
just because you're seeing the person,
where you just wear what you're wearing
because you are who you are.
And then she met Augie Jeong.
Baby girl, this is the hottest
you have ever looked in your entire life.
- Serious.
- These are your clothes.
What's it like to be an actual goddess?
My God, I'm PMS-ing.
It's been dark since 4:00 p.m.
- I'm in no mood.
- And I have a UTI,
but it's Jim's birthday,
so we gotta rally.
All I'm doing for his birthday
is karaoke and a blow job,
so they both have to be really good.
I'd never miss Jim's birthday.
I'd make a polite appearance
and then skip out early.
You are killing me.
It's gonna be his work friends
talking about Occupy Wall Street.
Hey, you ladies are looking good.
- We know.
- [Darby] Eat shit, motherfucker.
[woman singing]
And I was thinkin' 'bout myself ♪
Then there she was ♪
In platform double suede ♪
Yeah, there she was ♪
[woman] Yeah!
I think Jim wants to fuck
that Zooey Deschanel wannabe.
Shut up. He's so in love with you.
No, I know he is,
but I still think he wants to fuck her.
[continues singing]
People can love people
and still fuck other people.
You done with the book?
- What?
- Did you pick a song yet?
[Sara] Okay, fuck this.
Um Uh
Sorry.
[Sara] Hey, bitch. Excuse me.
All right, titty boy.
- Yeah, I don't know.
- No. We can look together.
Um
I'm I'm Augie, by the way.
- Uh, Darby.
- Furby?
- Darby.
- Darby.
Yeah, I know.
I've gotten Furby at Starbucks a lot.
- Right?
- Yeah.
- The names I've gotten on my cups
- [laughs]
[woman singing]
I smell sex and candy ♪
Wow. Jim's girlfriend's on one, huh?
- Sara?
- Yeah.
Yeah, um
Yeah, she can't handle her liquor,
but, uh, she drinks every night anyway.
Cool. So she's an alcoholic.
No! No.
I mean, she's You know, if we were older
- Right.
- maybe.
- But, like, right now, she's just so fun.
- [laughs]
Mama this surely is a dream ♪
Um, I actually have a song up next,
if you wanted to duet, perhaps?
- You already picked one?
- Yeah. I just wanted to talk to you.
- [song ends]
- [people cheering]
[both singing]
You cut me open and I ♪
This part I know.
Keep, keep bleeding love ♪
Happy birthday, Jim!
Keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love ♪
I know a little bit.
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding ♪
- New York classic.
- Oh, boy.
People just say things like
"New York classic."
Well, this is me.
[laughs]
I'm glad I got you home safe.
These mean streets.
Um Uh
I'm trying to think
of something else to say.
Well, I should, uh
I should, uh
[whispering] My other roommate, Mallory,
literally lives in this alcove thing.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Um, yeah, so
- I promise this isn't a move
- [chuckles]
but is it cool if we hang out in my room?
Yeah.
Um, I mean, they've been divorced
for 20 years or something.
So what about you?
Uh, my parents were the complete opposite.
High school sweethearts
that are still in love.
That's nice.
But they're Satanists,
so I guess it's not all good, right?
Balances out, you know?
[Darby] Yeah, that's fair.
Are you losing on purpose?
This is so pathetic.
To be honest,
I'm pretty sure you made this game up.
- I did not.
- I don't know what I'm doing here.
This is a very popular game.
Who's played this game before?
I've explained this to people,
and nobody has critiqued me
- No, no, I
- as a teacher.
They say it's so fun.
So I don't know. You're the first
- I do want to hear about this game.
- I'm gonna tell you.
- Just
- Yes.
- Yeah, it's
- I can
Yeah.
[Darby] Ow.
- What?
- You're bony.
- [laughing] What?
- Just, I mean I just mean you have,
like, a surprisingly slender,
fit, um, body.
- Mmm-hmm. Thank you.
- [both laugh]
Oh, no, don't, don't.
I'm sweaty, I'm sweaty.
[Augie] It's okay. I like it.
[Darby breathing heavily]
[vehicle driving by]
[breathes deeply]
- Embarrassed.
- Babe, you were good. It was good.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey.
Good morning, bud.
- Good morning.
- Hey.
Do you have coffee here?
[Jim] Uh, I could make another pot.
Oh, that's okay.
I'll go out, grab some. Just gonna
[Jim] Yeah, go for it. It's communal.
[mouthing]
- [Augie] Hey, morning.
- Hi.
[both chuckle nervously]
Um
I had a lot of fun last night.
'Cause you had a good time.
- It was fine for me. Whatever. Um
- [chuckles softly]
Anyway, I have to, uh
I have to go play basketball
with some buddies.
Yeah, I have to, um, knit scarves
with the other Army wives.
- Cool, cool. Nice.
- Yeah.
Do you want my number, or
I'm just gonna leave it
all up to chance, you know?
I think I got a $5 bill.
You seen Serendipity?
That's a
- Uh, that's a solid reference, man.
- [snickers]
Okay.
Bye.
[Darby grunts]
- Okay, seriously.
- Okay, okay.
- Like, that's enough.
- I'll leave.
Okay.
[chuckles]
All right, I'm leaving.
- See you, Jimbo.
- [Jim] See you at work, buddy.
- [Augie] See you, Sara.
- [Sara] Bye.
- Um, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
What just happened? What just happened?
Excuse me.
Do I have a husband now? Is he my husband?
I don't I just Is that
Is that what Is that how that works?
Yeah, well, I'm glad
to see you're taking it slow.
I'm just excited.
Be happy for me.
- Jim.
- Come on, Jim.
- Please.
- So serious, Jim.
Please be happy for me.
- I can't think straight.
- Help me, please.
- All I can do is smell these bath salts
- Morning.
- Oh, hey.
- Oh. Darby.
Thank God.
I need a woman to look at these.
Which font do you like
for the escort cards?
- This one or this one?
- Um
The left one.
- Yes. See?
- Mmm-hmm.
Told you. Whatever one you want.
Oh, God, honey, have an opinion.
It is your wedding too.
Mmm
Speaking of which, Darby, do you plan
on bringing someone to the wedding?
- Not to pressure you or anything.
- Um
Yeah.
- Whoa.
- [Kate] Hmm.
- New boyfriend?
- I don't know. Maybe.
Explains why you look
like shit this morning.
Okay. All right.
Let's, um Let's leave her alone.
- See you at home.
- [Kate] Bye.
- Bye, Kate.
- Bye.
Darby, your first tour today
is some assholes from Gawker.
Oh, fuck you. Gawker?
What do I like about this job?
'Cause you get to say
"fuck you" to your boss?
Very true. All right.
[speaks indistinctly]
[narrator] That whole day,
Darby was buoyant.
Who knew when she'd see Augie again,
but for now, she was walking on air,
alive with the glow of a new connection.
The next day, that glow began to wear off,
and she hadn't heard from him,
so Darby went to great lengths
to keep herself busy,
deciding it was time
to color-code her book collection.
Hey.
Do you think I should do,
like, an accent wall in here?
What kind of accent?
Just I mean, just like
- Australian?
- Oh, my God.
That's not helpful.
You know what I'm going through.
- [Australian accent] "I'm an accent wall."
- I hate you.
[narrator] The third day was harder.
Darby sunk into an awful apprehension.
Why hadn't Augie texted?
Was she boring?
Was her body weird?
Darby's brain started
doing mental gymnastics,
coming up with ways
she could casually run into him.
Honestly, like, at this point,
I'm kind of pissed.
You know, I'm tempted, like, to
go to Politico and confront him.
Darby, look, I love you,
but do remember that's my place of work.
Keep that in mind.
- No, please, do it.
- Thank you. She thinks it's funny.
I would never.
I would never! Mostly. Maybe.
- [Jim] Are those dates?
- [Sara] Mmm-hmm.
Okay, so date farmers
are on strike in Mexico,
so you guys are like scabs.
- We don't need that from you.
- We don't need that!
[narrator] On the fourth day
of radio silence,
Darby buried herself in her work.
[Darby] Very special tour, the butt tour!
[women cheering] Yeah.
I'm tired. How long is this tour?
It is two full hours. Get ready.
- Fuckin' heels.
- Okay.
We're gonna start over here.
This super-cute muscular bronze butt.
- [woman 1] Ooh-la!
- This Greek bronze butt is rare
because when Romans
took over Greek dominions,
they knew how valuable the bronze was
so they often melted them down
to make armor and weapons,
and we're very fortunate
that this sculpture's been preserved
so we can all enjoy its very
emotional, expressive clenched butt.
- [giggling] It looks like Spencer's dick.
- [all laughing]
Okay, guys, please.
Don't touch the statues.
This is really against the rules.
[orchestral music playing]
[narrator] As Darby watched this woman
climb a statue
that had managed to survive centuries,
she couldn't help but marvel
that someone chose this person.
And not just for a day,
but for the rest of her life.
Darby couldn't even get a "Wazzup?"
Around her, life continued,
as if somehow there was anything
more important than
what she was going through.
By this point, she'd managed
to pull her flatmates into it
as she carried on in the grand tradition
of women waiting by the phone.
[cell phone chimes]
- It's your dad.
- Good.
Uh, he wants to know,
"Who sings the song 'Wonderwall'"
[Darby] Oh.
I'm sorry it wasn't Augie.
It's okay.
You know, it was my dad.
At least it wasn't my gym
asking where I've been.
[chuckles]
Oh, my God. Why am I spinning out?
All this sucks.
Why don't you just
take the reins and text him?
- Can I do that?
- [Sara] No, you can't.
I know it's fucked up, but you have
to wait for him to hit you up.
Are you
I don't want a political debate about it.
It's the world right now.
Says the girl who made Jim read
his high school diary out loud to you,
like there are zero boundaries.
Boundaries don't exist.
Yeah. 'Cause I paid my dues.
Look, you can play
the crazy card down the road,
but right now, you gotta bear down.
No, no, no. No, no.
That shit's so antiquated.
Why do you need a boyfriend right now?
Look what it's doing to you.
This isn't Jane Austen times, I'm sorry.
I'm stressed because I told my boss
I was bringing a plus-one to his wedding,
and now I think
it would be super-embarrassing
to just not bring anyone.
I know what you're thinking,
you 0 to 60 freak.
Even as a favor.
I could be like, "As a friend, a buddy."
You cannot invite Augie
to that wedding, right?
Oh, my God. I'm obsessed with him,
and it's so pathetic.
[cell phone chimes]
I'll just
- [squealing excitedly]
- No way!
Fine.
- I'm gonna be totally chill.
- Totally.
- I'm gonna be totally chill.
- Mmm-hmm.
Haven't actually read any Jane Austen.
- What?
- I know, which was
Deal-breaker. I can't do this.
- You too?
- I'm kidding.
- Okay.
- Kidding.
'Cause Mallory was making fun of me,
'cause I don't
There is one of these books
I've been looking for.
Why wouldn't we get ten romance novels?
Okay, so if I had to tell you something
- Yeah.
- unexpected about me
Yeah. I'll give you $1,000.
that you wouldn't have guessed this was
No, to tell me something
that really shocks me.
I was just gonna tell you for free.
[laughs] Was gonna tell you for free.
I was so into musical theater,
my mom thought that I was gay.
Oh.
She asked me if I had seen the movie Milk,
- because she had rented it.
- Oh.
And she thought it was really important
that we watch it together.
- [laughs]
- That's so sweet.
- Yeah.
- That's nice.
- Yeah.
- You know, um,
I too have done some musical theater.
- Get the fuck out.
- Yeah, in high school.
- [chuckling] One time.
- Mmm-hmm.
- In Cats I know.
- You were in Cats?
- Yeah. [laughs]
- What?
Uh There were so many kids,
and there weren't enough parts
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So they did that thing
where they made up a cat.
- But just for you, though.
- Yeah. It was something insane.
It was like Carbucketty or something.
- Carbucketty? [laughs]
- Oh, my God. It was so embarrassing.
Is it weird that I'm kind of turned on
by you being an ensemble cat?
[chuckling] You're such a jerk.
This is stupid. Do [groans]
Do you want to go
to my boss's wedding with me?
What? You don't have to.
No, yes, I do! I do want to go!
I do want to go.
- Yes, absolutely.
- Great.
When is it?
- I don't know.
- Okay, great.
[commentator] Lin for the win!
- Got it!
- [all cheering]
This dude is unbelievable.
I'm losing my mind.
Yes! Linsanity forever!
He's on fire!
- Darbs, are you into sports now?
- I don't know.
- I'm trying to sound cool.
- You do sound cool.
- Thank you.
- You're hustlin'.
- I'll take it.
- Yes.
This kid came out of fucking nowhere.
- Tell me about it. I know.
- Shit.
[narrator] It was January
when they met at karaoke,
and by February, they were
acting like boyfriend and girlfriend.
[Darby] I'll let you in
on a little secret.
[Augie] Okay. Please do.
- [Darby] These are fakes.
- [Augie] What?
- [Darby] Don't tell anybody.
- Okay.
[narrator] They ignored
all the usual rules
about keeping things mysterious.
[urinating]
[Sara] You guys are nasty!
[shutter clicks]
- Nice.
- That's gonna be the one. For sure.
- I love this table.
- I want ten more beers.
Does anybody else want ten more beers?
Just me?
[narrator] For too long,
she'd merely watched
these kinds of relationships
from the outside,
and anything she knew
about the way they felt
was purely speculative.
But now, she had
some firsthand experience.
This is what it was really like
to love someone.
[commentator] Lin on the penetration,
he got bottled up
What happened to our friend?
He's just having an off night.
- Hey, Aug, we're gonna roll.
- All right, man.
Sorry, buddy. They'll bounce back.
Yeah, thanks for coming.
- See you, Sara.
- Bye.
See you, Mallory.
I'm sorry, baby.
It's okay. Thank you.
[groovy music playing on speakers]
Is this what it's like being a Knicks fan?
[chuckles]
Yeah, kind of.
Hey, um
[sucks teeth]
- What's up?
- Oh, uh
[scoffs] Never mind. It's cool. Nothing.
- Whoa.
- It's cool. It's nothing.
Hey, come on. Don't do that.
- Oh, my God.
- No. I just, um
[smacks lips]
I just don't want you to freak out,
'cause this timing really sucks, but
Okay. [sneezes]
Sorry.
- Bless you.
- Thank you.
Uh
I just found out that
Politico wants to send me out on the road
as an embed in a couple of weeks,
and I'll be gone till November, so
Oh, wow.
- Yeah.
- [groans]
[chuckles]
Okay. I mean, if you're gonna be gone
till November
Well, no, 'cause,
you know, if all goes well,
then after that,
I'd be working out of the DC bureau,
which would be like
I'd be moving there, you know.
Um
Okay. Uh
Is that, like, optional or
[scoffs] I mean, I guess it is, but I
- It's a pretty big opportunity for me.
- Right.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- No, of course.
- Yeah.
What am I saying?
I'm gonna be on Obama's press bus
and everything. It's my dream. [chuckles]
- Dude, that's amazing.
- Yeah, yeah.
I mean, congratulations.
- Oh, thank you.
- Holy shit.
Thank you very much.
[hesitates] And look.
If that makes you not want
to hang out with me anymore,
I totally get it, because
This can't go anywhere, you know?
Yeah. I mean, it can't go anywhere,
but we were just, like, seeing
if it was gonna go anywhere.
- It's not a big deal.
- Yeah.
Yeah, right. Right, yeah.
That's Yeah, exactly.
I'm glad we're on the same page
about that.
I mean, I know it sounds corny,
but I feel like it's my civic duty,
in a way.
- Do you know what I mean?
- Mmm-hmm.
Like, can you imagine
if Romney was fucking president?
- The world would end.
- [both chuckle]
Um
Yeah.
We should keep hanging out
until you leave, right?
- Are you sure?
- i mean, do you not want to?
No, no, no. I I definitely do.
I Of course I do.
I really like you, Darby.
- A lot.
- Great.
- I just
- Great.
Yeah, I just
I've been through
the long-distance thing before
Yeah.
and I don't want either of us to get hurt
or anything like that.
I don't think that's gonna happen.
Okay, so what I mean, should I just bail?
Is that what we're saying?
On your boss's wedding?
On Augie's last night? No.
Baby, you are playing the long game.
You just keep your eyes on the prize.
When you talk about love,
you turn into Coach Taylor.
- Really sweet.
- [sighs]
Coach and Mrs. Coach
are the model couple, so
Okay, look. I will be your plus-one
if you want to bail on Augie.
I will be there.
- Mallory, no.
- I am here for you.
Darby, you go with the flow.
Who knows what could happen?
It could be a magical night,
and then you could be the first person
to chase someone to the airport.
What?
That was a great buildup.
I don't know
what I'm supposed to do with that.
I've been watching
a ton of Hugh Grant movies.
[sighing] Okay.
- [pop song playing]
- [indistinct conversations]
[narrator] And so,
Darby trudged on with a brave face,
trying to make the best of it,
but beneath that façade
was an unavoidable fact
he was really leaving.
This was really ending.
You look really great tonight.
Thank you.
Um, so do you. You look great.
Oh, thank you.
I mean, it was between this
or, uh, my tuxedo tee.
- Mmm.
- Or my "ripped abs" tee.
Wow!
Or my Bulbasaur tee. You've seen that one?
I didn't know you were a novelty tee guy.
- Really big.
- Yeah.
- I go to the club.
- There's a club?
- There's a club.
- See? This is why you can't leave.
'Cause we have so much
to learn about each other.
There's a club? I want to know more!
Yes, I said I know. I just
Let's not think about it tonight.
Yeah.
I kind of can't not think about it.
- Yeah.
- So
[Augie clears throat]
- Um, should we dance?
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Make the most of our last night together.
- [woman] Nice suit.
- Thanks.
[pop song continues]
Yeah.
I don't know if you're ready for this.
Oh, boy. I don't know him.
- I have this philosophy of dance.
- I need help.
Does anybody have a whistle?
["Didn't I" by Darondo playing]
[narrator] After a few hours
of alcohol consumption,
Darby and Augie found themselves
at that point of the evening
when it's easy
to say something you'll regret.
Is it possible to overdose on frosting?
I don't know why I'm doing this to myself.
It's like I'm hazing myself.
Nobody's making me do this.
A Post headline:
"Tour guide dies from
frosting/open-bar combo."
[laughs]
Wow.
What?
No, I'm glad to know
you think of me as a tour guide.
What?
I'm sorry my career isn't
as sexy as yours is right now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey. I was kidding.
- You know I'm kidding, right?
- Yeah.
Truth in every joke. [laughs]
What are you doing right now?
I'm having feelings. I'm sorry. Like
Feelings that you are
very good at not having.
I'm having feelings too.
I don't want to process them
at your boss's wedding.
Yes, that's fine. That's fine.
- You're right. That's fine.
- [scoffs]
Darby, I love you.
You don't have to say that. You don't.
You're not gonna say you love me back?
I do, but what's the point of
- Why does there have to be a point?
- Okay. I love you.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- You know I do.
- Awesome!
- That's great!
- Yeah, it is great. It's great.
I love you. Bye forever.
- Oh, come on. Stop. That is not fair.
- [sniffles]
You said long-distance doesn't work.
So fuck it. So fuck it.
- Please don't put words into my mouth.
- Is that not what you said?
Just because I'm leaving
doesn't mean we'll never see each other.
- We can Skype. Try and make it work.
- Great. [laughs]
- We can Skype.
- What are you doing?
- Seriously? Hello?
- My God.
You really doing this?
Our last night together,
and you're gonna do this?
- Write me letters from camp.
- Seriously? Come on.
What do you say? Do you want
Okay. All right.
Yeah, we can Skype.
- We can Skype until you find somebody new.
- Right.
I know how things go on these tour buses.
What? Do you think I'm going on the road
with the fucking Stones?
No.
- I work at Politico. This is
- I know. I know.
- I'm sorry. I shouldn't've said anything.
- No, it's not
Fucking hell.
You should be glad ♪
Your leading man, always be glad ♪
Sit by home ♪
And let me kiss your lovely lips ♪
Ooh ♪
Didn't I do it, baby? ♪
Didn't I do right? ♪
Why you wanna leave me, baby? ♪
I said didn't I treat you right? ♪
[door opens]
It's a mystery ♪
[Darby sniffling]
Can you help me?
[sniffles] Thanks.
Augie, I'm sorry.
I know.
It's okay. We both drank too much.
I really do love you.
I really love you too.
[sniffles]
[Augie sighs]
[indistinct conversations]
Hey.
Told you the snow gets gross.
Yeah. Guess you were right.
Uh, by the way, I have some information
that I think will change your life.
[chuckles softly]
Carbucketty is a real cat.
- What? What do you mean?
- [laughs]
Well, let's just say I spent some time
on the old Cats Wikipedia page
this morning,
and Carbucketty,
who is also sometimes known as Pouncival,
is very much a real character.
What?
And not at all made up
for your production.
Oh, my God!
That's amazing! I don't know
why that makes me want to cry.
Ooh!
Carbucketty's real!
This is This is a game-changer.
I just wanted you to know.
Thanks.
Um
I should go.
Yeah. Yeah, you should go.
Bye, Darby.
Bye, Augie.
[narrator] After a relationship ends,
most people feel like
they'll never meet anyone else,
but they always do.
Darby doesn't know it yet,
but her person is out there.
Maybe she's met them already,
maybe she hasn't,
but they are alive in this city,
and they are looking for her too.
Each step is moving
It's moving me up ♪
Moving, it's moving me up ♪
Every step is moving me up ♪
[narrator] It will all happen for her.
Just not the way she thinks it will.
[music continues]
I'm moving me up ♪
Moving, moving me up ♪
Every step is moving me up ♪
Each step is moving
It's moving me up ♪
Moving me up ♪
One tiny, tiny, tiny move ♪
It's all I need and I jump over ♪
Every step is moving me up ♪