Love You More (2017) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1 (BOTH MOANING) ("BARRACUDA" BY HEART PLAYING) Copy that.
Last call.
So, this ain't the end I saw you again today I had to turn my heart away Smiled like the sun Kisses for everyone Hey, there, baby.
And tales, it never fails Couldn't keep my eyes off of you.
Aw, thanks, sweetheart.
But you really need to be that tall to ride this ride.
I bet you gonna ambush me (CHUCKLING): Hi.
I would have been here sooner, but I got held up talking to Kevin Hart.
(BOTH LAUGH) (INHALES) So, you like big girls? Yeah, I like big girls.
I've come to the right place.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) BARTENDER: Here.
From that guy over there.
- Who's that? - Some dreamer.
- So - So You're very pretty.
You're very pretty.
You like getting crapped on? Whoa.
Whisper game Last call.
Oh, yeah.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, yeah.
(MOANS) So your name's Karen? Yeah.
- Did I tell you that? - No.
I heard the bartender say - (MOANS) - "Good night, Karen.
" My name's Bernard.
Man, you sure talk a lot for somebody with such a big dick.
(GRUNTS) What do you do for a living? I'm a mental health care professional.
Now please be quiet and fuck me.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh oh, my God.
- It's coming up through my throat.
- (PHONE VIBRATING) Oh, shit.
Oh, my.
Wait.
Stop.
Stop.
Stop.
Is everything ? (GASPS) Oh, no.
Uh - I I - I'm fine, Jean.
Thanks.
I I heard you yelling, "Stop.
" I Sorry.
- (PHONE CONTINUES VIBRATING) - Sorry.
(PANTING) Um Um, should I ? Yeah, just, just just keep going.
Just keep going.
- Okay.
- (GRUNTS) Oh, there it is.
You live with your mom? That's not my mom.
That's my roommate.
Why you got an old roommate? - Craigslist.
- Oh.
Shh.
Be quiet.
- I'm close.
- Me, too.
I'm gonna nut.
Oh, shit.
The condom broke.
Should I ? No, just keep going.
I have a morning-after pill.
(BOTH MOANING) (SIGHS) I'll never betray you.
That's weird.
Baby.
Baby, I I can't feel my arm.
(GROANS) Fuck.
How is it 8:30? - Oh, I hit snooze.
- You hit snooze? - Shit! - I figured we'd sleep in, go for breakfast.
You like pancakes? Fuck.
Here, put these on.
I'm gonna be late for work.
Oh, ah.
- Hurry.
I'm never late for work.
- Give me a second.
I got the pins and needles.
(SIGHS) Last night was very special.
I'm out the door in five minutes.
Come (GRUNTS) (KNOCK ON DOOR) (GASPS) Oh, no.
No! Oh, no.
No, no.
So, can I see you again tonight? Oh, my God.
I don't have time for this shit.
Baby, when you say things like that, it hurts my feelings.
Okay, you got to shut the fuck up and get the fuck out of my house.
I get it.
You're not a morning person.
If you ever want those pancakes, give me a call.
Motherfucker.
BERNARD: I'll let myself out, baby.
Good morning.
Morning, Jean.
DRIVER: Much car in street.
ANGEL: Oh, come on.
Whoa, whoa.
Damn, Karen.
You're ruining my garbage.
Sorry.
The cab driver made me get out - on this side.
- Yo, mami, you late.
Only five minutes.
I had to stop - and get a morning-after pill.
- Oh, shit.
Look, when are you gonna let me introduce you to a nice guy? Oh, they're all nice guys.
Is Raquel here? Hey, everybody here but you, mami.
I'm serious.
My cousin Juan will date you anytime.
- And he's got a car.
- Great.
(BREATHES DEEPLY) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (BOWLING PINS FALL ON TV) (VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS) - MAN (OVER TV): Strike! - JERRY (LAUGHING): Yeah.
Yeah! (BOWLING PINS FALL) Hey, buddy.
It's going to rain.
Michael, it's not gonna rain.
Look.
See? Beautiful day outside.
- (CHEERING) - MAN (OVER TV): Strike! Yes.
Aah! - Hey, guys.
All right, come on.
- Oh.
It's 9:30.
You know the rule.
No games, mister.
And no bowling until after morning meeting.
And now, before the new resident gets here.
(BOWLING PINS FALL) Al Roker said it's going to rain.
MAN (OVER TV): Strike! Al Roker doesn't know everything.
Watch your glasses.
Got it? JERRY: Yay! Hey, where's Max? North Pole.
(LAUGHS) North Pole.
Good one.
You know, what's up, player? (LAUGHS) - What's up? - Okay.
JERRY: North Pole.
(LAUGHS) - DAVID: Holler.
- JERRY: Whoa.
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus Right down Santa Claus Lane Vixen and Blitzen And all his reindeer - Max, meeting.
- I I can't go.
David'll touch my record and Jerry'll touch my record.
They'll both touch my record.
Well, just bring your record.
Oh, okay.
Max, just do it.
Okay.
(LAUGHS): Okay.
(BOWLING PINS FALL, LAUGHTER AND CHEERING) It might sprinkle.
Michael.
You're gonna get hot in here.
JACKSON (OVER PHONE): Brittany, hey.
- I love you, Karen.
- All right, I love you more.
What are you doing now, babe? Nothing.
I just woke up.
What are you doing? Whoa.
- BOTH: Karen.
- Hey, Karen.
Jackson, hi.
Brittany'll call you back today, like, a thousand times.
- Bye.
- Bye, Karen.
Karen, he's gonna break up with me.
Ladies, trust me.
Guys like a woman who's not always available.
- (BOWLING PINS FALL) - Now come on.
Let's go.
Morning meeting.
Come on.
- Let's go.
- Thank you.
Excuse me, mister.
- You brought all of them? - Oh, yes.
- JERRY: Whoa.
- DAVID: Yay-yay! Okay, guys, here's Raquel.
TV off.
TV off.
TV off.
BRITTANY: Karen! - Oh, no.
- Karen, your boob.
- Uh - DAVID: Damn.
Everybody, everybody calm down.
(LAUGHING): Oh, my goodness.
I want you to meet Andy, our new resident.
- DAVID: What's up, man? - OTHERS: Hi, Andy.
Hi, Andy.
- Is it raining out? - Michael, it's not gonna rain.
You promise? I promise.
Yeah, hi.
This is Karen Best.
I'm one of the counselors at Berger House.
Michael Llewyn won't be in to work today because it's - It's raining! - (GRUNTS) - (WHISPERS): Yes.
- You promised.
I know I did, Michael, but as we discussed already, sometimes things happen that you don't expect.
Like your boob? - That's too personal, mister.
- Guys, I'm on the phone.
- Good one! - Yes, I understand he bags groceries inside, but in order to get inside, he has to come in through the outside, - and that's not happening.
- I love you, Karen.
That's not happening! - Too loud.
- Well, according to the advocacy program, he gets ten sick days, and that's what today is.
Yep.
Look it up.
Thank you.
- Follow me into the kitchen.
- RUTH (CHANTING): Maggie! Maggie! Maggie! And the hits just keep on coming.
I used to sit right here, until I got my own private residence.
I'm the Jane Berger success story.
She's a hamburger success story.
- That's David.
- (LAUGHING): Hamburger! He thinks he's funny.
That's Jerry.
He's David's audience.
Everyone calls me Big D.
Nobody calls him Big D.
Big D, hand him a potato.
Well, see? She calls me Big D.
I love you, Maggie.
- Now, Ruth, I'm working.
- Okay.
JERRY: So Yankees or Mets? Yankees or the Mets? Yankees or the Mets?! Andy, I'd go with the Mets.
- (DOOR CREAKING) - ANGEL: Man, it's wet out there.
Really coming down.
MAGGIE: That's Angel.
He was in prison, but the Jane Berger House gave him a second chance.
He's sober now.
(SNORTS) And he takes out the trash.
Wow, she makes it sound so unglamorous.
I also clean toilets.
- Pee-ew! - Who am I? Wait, wait, wait, just one.
And droopy! Hey! - Droopy! - Oh, Karen.
DAVID: Hey, hey, I said droopy I got a droopy, hey, I got a droop Droop, droop, droop, droopy.
- (DAVID GIGGLES) - High five! High five, Andy! What? You don't like the Mets and you don't like boobs? All right, guys, that's enough with the potatoes.
JERRY: You don't like boobies.
Big D, he doesn't like boobs.
KAREN: That's enough with the potatoes.
That's en - (WARBLING) - Okay, Andy! Hey, hold up.
- That's not acceptable behavior - Maggie! - at the Jane Berger House.
- Maggie, everybody, calm down! - (JERRY LAUGHING) - Whoa, hold up, huh? - Jerry! - (STOPS LAUGHING) That's enough with the potatoes.
Andy, that was way over the line.
MAGGIE: That's not acceptable behavior at the Jane Berger House.
Raquel? Raquel, we need a meeting.
Karen, are you coming? (WHISPERS): Shit.
- (CLEARS THROAT) - MICHAEL: It's going to rain.
I know that, man.
RAQUEL: Come in.
Uh, before we start, can I just say, I'm a success story, too? Okay.
Exactly what happened? They were having sex.
KAREN: We weren't having sex.
He motorboated me.
What's "motorboated"? Uh Thanks for that, Karen.
Uh, motorboating is when a guy puts his face between your breasts, and he he shakes it.
Ew! That's inappropriate behavior at the Jane Berger House.
He has to leave.
He doesn't have to leave.
That's bad touching.
Yes, it is bad touching.
I'll handle it.
Great.
Maggie, are we done here? Let me rephrase that.
Maggie, we're done here.
Thank you for your help.
Just doing my job as an advocate for DS.
Later.
RAQUEL: Karen.
(CLEARS THROAT) Stay.
(QUIETLY): Okay.
Why aren't you wearing a bra? - I am wearing a bra.
- Uh I guess she just lost her fight, poor little thing.
(CHUCKLES) Look, if we're gonna make a change, we got to do it before Andy settles in.
- So, what do you want to do? - Well, I checked his file and he has no previous record of sexually aggressive behavior.
Why'd he leave the house in Philly? Told his parents the residents didn't like him there.
- All right, I'll talk to him.
- Okay.
You are really crushing that Nicorette.
Yeah, it's a two-pack day.
And, Karen, get a bra.
(WHISPERS): Copy that.
Okay.
And, Karen? Thanks for that motorboating moment.
This one? - You know what? It's a lot.
- I got more.
Anytime.
(LAUGHS) (LAUGHING) Oh, this girl.
(KEYBOARD PLAYING RIFF FROM "SMOKE ON THE WATER") "Smoke on the Water.
" Nice.
You a musician, Andy? You like music? I like music, too.
You know, when I was a kid, I thought I was gonna be a rock star.
(LAUGHS) My parents brought me back a rabbit fur hoodie from New York, and I would zip it up, wear it around the playground, singing Debbie Harry and "Hot Child in the City," which doesn't really make any sense, because that's not a Blondie song, is it? Okay.
Andy we need to talk about what happened downstairs.
- Be quiet! - Here comes Santa Claus Right down Santa (DOOR SLAMS) (ANDY RESUMES PLAYING RIFF FROM "SMOKE ON THE WATER") Andy? Andy.
I want this to work out here.
But touching me or anybody else is against the rules of Berger House.
It it cannot happen again.
Are we clear? (ANDY RESUMES PLAYING KEYBOARD) Great, now that song's gonna be stuck in my fucking head.
Karen, you said "fuck.
" Sorry.
- (DOOR OPENS) - TV NARRATOR: Up next, a woman is murdered - (DOOR CLOSES) - in broad daylight.
Jean (SIGHS) could you turn down your murder show a little? Oh, is it too loud? A little bit.
(TURNS OFF TV) You look nice.
Big day? No, I got dressed up for our dinner.
What dinner? Our dinner.
I invited you on Facebook.
Didn't you see our event page? You made an event page for just two people? Jean, nobody looks at those, and even if I did, I didn't say I could go.
Well, I posted "Regrets only.
" (SIGHS) Well, I can't tonight.
I'm having drinks with my friend G.
Bring her along.
The more the merrier, right? G's a guy.
Oh.
Is it serious? Oh, it's very serious.
G's gay, so we're gonna be together forever.
(EXHALES) Knock, knock.
Door's open, Jean.
How about lunch tomorrow? It's your day off, right? Oh, I I can't I have to buy a bra.
(GASPS) Fun.
Oh, we could make it a whole girls' day.
We could go to lunch and then bra shopping.
My treat.
The bra or the lunch? - Both.
- Okay.
JEAN (CHUCKLES): Knock, knock.
Door's still open, Jean.
One more thing.
Um, I found this on the floor.
I think it's that guy's you were doing the nasty with.
Bernard Williams.
Is that the guy? Why not? Thanks.
Literally all ones.
(BOTH LAUGHING) You can pick 'em.
Let's see.
Oh.
Five foot two.
Yeah.
That's how big his dick was.
(LAUGHING): Well - you had quite the night.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- (LAUGHS) Thank you.
S so (CHUCKLES) How's your roommate? Jean Naté? (SIGHS) She thought we had a date tonight.
- Well, you are on a roll, G.
- It's weird.
You know, I I picked her because she was only supposed to use the apartment once a month, but now she's there all the time.
She wants to go shopping and and take me to lunch.
It's like I'm running around town with the 70-year-old Carrie Bradshaw.
(LAUGHS) G, be nice.
Do it.
She probably misses her daughters.
Where's she from? I don't know.
The past.
(LAUGHS) Uh, oh, no.
We did not order desserts.
Yeah, he says we're off sugar.
They're from Simon.
Ah.
Simon.
Ah-ha-ha-ha.
Simon.
The married waiter that you're fucking? That Simon? Yeah, that one.
Simon, the one you said wouldn't be working here tonight? Yes, that Simon.
He wasn't supposed to be here.
I told you I never wanted to meet him.
I never wanted you to meet him, either, - but here he comes, so be sweet.
- (SIGHS) - SIMON: Well, surprise, surprise.
- I know.
You don't work Thursdays.
Yeah, well, I needed to pick up an extra shift.
I thought you got that big Diet Coke commercial.
Yeah, I did, but they fired me.
My American accent sucks.
Said my "Enjoy Diet Coke" sounded like (AMERICAN ACCENT): "Enjoy diet cock.
" - (LAUGHS) - Oh.
- Yeah.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Simon.
This is my friend Louis.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Thank you for the desserts.
- Oh.
Very nice, G.
- I'm sorry, G? - Oh, yeah.
It's a nickname we have for each other.
It's short for, like, "Girl," "Gina," "Gina Marie.
" (LAUGHS): It's a long story.
Well, stop making it longer.
Hey, uh, Kar, you want to wait for me in the bar, and we'll, uh (CLICKS TONGUE) grab a drink when I'm done? Yeah, it's kind of a girls' night.
Yeah? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Well, I better get back to it, then.
I am in the weeds.
Wait a second.
Is this any better? (AMERICAN ACCENT): Oh, I'm in the weeds.
- (LAUGHS) - Oh, my God.
Wait.
Okay, wait a second.
You (AMERICAN ACCENT): I'm in the weeds, man.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Oh, man, I I suck, yeah.
Only Aussie actor can't do an American accent.
(BOTH LAUGH) You get it now, right? Yeah, I get it.
He wants you to wait at the bar until he's done, and then he'll fuck you.
Yeah.
I mean, I have to fuck him.
- Look at him.
- (SIGHS) This is so inappropriate.
You might as well date one of those sweet Down's boys from work.
G, it's not "sweet Down's boys.
" It's "sweet boys with Down syndrome.
" And I would never date one of them.
They're way too good for me.
You deserve more than this.
Do I? (CHUCKLES) (SIGHS) Hey, what else is in that wallet? Oh, a pot card.
- (CHUCKLES) - You have to give that wallet back.
Oh, I'm never seeing him again.
You have all that free, businessy, messenger-y stuff.
You send it back.
Oh, and get a check.
I have to go thank Simon for the bread pudding.
He knows it's my favorite.
He's married.
Yeah, for his green card.
And speaking of green cards, I'm keeping the pot card.
I am not leaving here without you.
Copy that.
(SIGHS) Oh.
Waiter.
Would you take these away? Please.
(KAREN MOANING) Hi.
Our Uber just pulled up.
(GROANS) Thank you.
Oh, here's some cute ones over here.
You know, my daughters Mary Beth and Melanie and I love to go shopping.
Are you close to your family? Oh, I don't know.
Are you? Very.
You know, after my husband died, the girls had a big fight over who would get me.
What about this one? No, I'm looking for something, you know, lacy, sexy.
Something with a little personality.
Oh, fun.
Okay.
Ah, I have an idea.
Let's take a selfie.
I want to put it on Facebook.
Oh.
Right now, I don't I don't have my face together.
Really? Oh, the girls would love to see it.
I've told them all about you.
Why don't I take one of you? How about that? Okay.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) - All right.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
(CHUCKLES) Can you see my shirt? Oh, yeah.
- Aw.
- How do I look? Like a girl having a great time in the city.
Perfect, 'cause I am.
SALESWOMAN: Can I help you ladies? Yeah, I need a bra.
Immediately.
Okay.
Do you have this in a 36D? - Well, you're not a 36D.
- Yeah, I am.
- I have been since high school.
- No, there's no way you could fit into a 36D.
Um, yeah, I can, and I do.
Okay, well, that has got three bra extenders, which would make you a 46EE.
Well, what's that, like, European sizes? No, that's real life.
Okay, well, does this come in a 46EE? No, but I could fit you in one of those.
KAREN: Those grandma bras? I think we can do better than that.
We'll keep looking and get back to you.
I think she was looking for something with a little more personality.
Personality doesn't come in that size.
The dressing rooms are over there.
Oh.
SALESWOMAN: I found one in a fun color.
Well, that's the same shit but in pink.
It's not pink.
It's champagne.
Uh, no, thanks.
I'll look someplace else.
Try it.
Trust me, it's the best you're ever gonna do.
Miss you should look down at your lapel button again because you're not being very supportive.
I'm only trying to help.
What's the problem? Well, imagine what it must be like to be her.
Nothing fits.
When I was a little girl, I was real fucked up looking.
For a while, I had just one front tooth, so my brothers Keith and Kyle called me "Fang.
" So I joined the swim team to get some self-respect.
And then my nipples came in.
Not my tits, just my nipples.
And they got everybody at school calling me, "Little nippy titty, little nippy titty.
" So I ran home.
It was a Friday night, I remember, 'cause I was watching Dallas and The Dukes of Hazzard, and I was sitting on the couch and I was crying.
And my mom sat down next to me, she said, "Karen, what's wrong?" I said, "Well, Keith and Kyle got everybody at school calling me 'Little nippy titty.
'" And do you want to know what she said to me? Do you want to know what she said to me? She said Ooh Don't you cry Then she said, "Come with me, let's have a drink.
" Hit the track! (CHIMES) She said, "Karen, you're a woman now.
You got to stand tall and be proud of what your mama gave you.
Do you hear me?" You got them little nippy titties Put 'em in the air She got them tube sock titties She put 'em in the air I got these beaver tail titties I put 'em in the air Put 'em up, put 'em up Put 'em up You got them low-riding titties Put 'em in the air She got them rubber ducky titties Put 'em in the air You got them single malt titties Put 'em in the air Put 'em up, put 'em up Put 'em up You got them flapjack titties Put 'em in the air She got them Laffy Taffy titties Put 'em in the air You got them oven-mitty titties Put 'em in the air Put 'em up, put 'em up, put 'em up And then we bounce, bounce, bounce We bounce, bounce, bounce We bounce, bounce, bounce We bounce, bounce, bounce You got them big and juicy titties Put 'em in the air She got them ding-dong titties Put 'em in the air You got them Tater Tot titties Put 'em in the air Put 'em up, put 'em up, put 'em up You got them meatball titties Put 'em in the air She got them mousetrap titties Put 'em in the air You got them baby-soft titties Put 'em in the air Put 'em up, put 'em up, put 'em up And then we bounce, bounce, bounce We bounce, bounce, bounce We bounce, bounce, bounce We bounce, bounce, bounce You got them Wu-Tang, Hoobastank Peach pit titties Tic Tac, Cracker Jack Hammerhead titties Fire hose, needle-nose Just one titty Put 'em up, put 'em up, put 'em up We want 'em up We put 'em up Put 'em up, put 'em up - We put 'em up - Put 'em up Put 'em up, put 'em up And then we bounce.
JEAN: Karen? Karen? Yeah? Do you want to go someplace else? No, I'll just take this one.
So, have you got any big plans for tonight? No, I have some work to do.
NARRATOR (ON TV): The type of town where people never locked their doors, till murder came to visit.
Thanks for lunch.
TV NARRATOR: Thomas Milton and Stephanie Peck seemed to be the perfect couple Cell phone records and search dogs provided some leads, but if not for some crack police work and a chance encounter (COMPUTER CHIMES) (CHUCKLES) TV NARRATOR: In a police confession taken months after the brutal murder, Paul Tilson admitted he felt that Eva had ruined his Is it too loud? No.
So, who's killing who? NARRATOR: that ended in an act of violent vengeance.
High school sweethearts.
NARRATOR: After two years of intensive investigation, the main suspect, his head-cheerleader wife, was released on a technicality.
What's up with you and these murder shows, Jean? Uh, I like the sound of his voice.
It's so soothing.
NARRATOR: On the day of her release, she got in her deceased husband's 1962 Corvette convertible and drove off.
She drove and drove, and was never seen again.
That's not you, is it, Jean? - No.
- (BOTH LAUGHING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (BOWLING PINS CLATTER ON TV) JERRY: Whoa.
Good one, Andy.
(APPLAUSE ON TV) (SIGHS) Yo, mami! Yes, I got a new bra.
- Let's not make a big deal about this.
- No.
I'm not gonna make a big deal about this.
But that bra sure as shit is.
(JERRY AND ANDY CHEERING) DAVID: Whoa-ho-ho! Everybody duck.
It's just a bra.
No, it's a big, big bra! Big boobs, Andy.
Hey, guys, come on.
Let's go, morning meeting.
Andy, look at her boobs.
Andy! KAREN: Come on, guys, let's have a meeting.
- Guys, come on, let's go - Whoa.
- Andy - RUTH: Oh, my God.
go to your room.
JERRY: Whoa.
He's not a success story.
- Raquel? - Karen, are you okay? I'm fine, Brittany, thank you.
I love you, Karen.
Love you more.
Frosty the snowman Was a jolly, happy soul With a corncob pipe You know that was inappropriate behavior.
Yes.
So, if you knew it was inappropriate, why'd you do it? I had to.
Why? The other boy was looking at me.
Okay and? Some magic in that old silk hat Andy.
Look, I don't think this is gonna work out here.
I don't want to get teased.
Well, why would you get teased? (VOICE BREAKING): It happened at the other house.
He could laugh and play just the same as What happened at the other house? They made fun of me! Well, why would they make fun of you? Look at Frosty go Andy.
I can't tell.
Look, we all have stuff inside of us that we're afraid of letting out.
You don't tell anybody.
I'm not gonna tell anybody.
I like boys.
(CHUCKLES): Well, I like boys.
No, I mean I am gay.
Are you mad at me? No.
So you're gay.
And here I thought we weren't gonna get along.
(BOTH LAUGHING) ("SMOKE ON THE WATER" PLAYING) (SIGHS) Better.
KAREN: We all came out to Montreux On the Lake Geneva shoreline To make records with a mobile We didn't have much time Smoke on the water A fire in the sky Smoke on the water.
Last call.
So, this ain't the end I saw you again today I had to turn my heart away Smiled like the sun Kisses for everyone Hey, there, baby.
And tales, it never fails Couldn't keep my eyes off of you.
Aw, thanks, sweetheart.
But you really need to be that tall to ride this ride.
I bet you gonna ambush me (CHUCKLING): Hi.
I would have been here sooner, but I got held up talking to Kevin Hart.
(BOTH LAUGH) (INHALES) So, you like big girls? Yeah, I like big girls.
I've come to the right place.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) BARTENDER: Here.
From that guy over there.
- Who's that? - Some dreamer.
- So - So You're very pretty.
You're very pretty.
You like getting crapped on? Whoa.
Whisper game Last call.
Oh, yeah.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, yeah.
(MOANS) So your name's Karen? Yeah.
- Did I tell you that? - No.
I heard the bartender say - (MOANS) - "Good night, Karen.
" My name's Bernard.
Man, you sure talk a lot for somebody with such a big dick.
(GRUNTS) What do you do for a living? I'm a mental health care professional.
Now please be quiet and fuck me.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh oh, my God.
- It's coming up through my throat.
- (PHONE VIBRATING) Oh, shit.
Oh, my.
Wait.
Stop.
Stop.
Stop.
Is everything ? (GASPS) Oh, no.
Uh - I I - I'm fine, Jean.
Thanks.
I I heard you yelling, "Stop.
" I Sorry.
- (PHONE CONTINUES VIBRATING) - Sorry.
(PANTING) Um Um, should I ? Yeah, just, just just keep going.
Just keep going.
- Okay.
- (GRUNTS) Oh, there it is.
You live with your mom? That's not my mom.
That's my roommate.
Why you got an old roommate? - Craigslist.
- Oh.
Shh.
Be quiet.
- I'm close.
- Me, too.
I'm gonna nut.
Oh, shit.
The condom broke.
Should I ? No, just keep going.
I have a morning-after pill.
(BOTH MOANING) (SIGHS) I'll never betray you.
That's weird.
Baby.
Baby, I I can't feel my arm.
(GROANS) Fuck.
How is it 8:30? - Oh, I hit snooze.
- You hit snooze? - Shit! - I figured we'd sleep in, go for breakfast.
You like pancakes? Fuck.
Here, put these on.
I'm gonna be late for work.
Oh, ah.
- Hurry.
I'm never late for work.
- Give me a second.
I got the pins and needles.
(SIGHS) Last night was very special.
I'm out the door in five minutes.
Come (GRUNTS) (KNOCK ON DOOR) (GASPS) Oh, no.
No! Oh, no.
No, no.
So, can I see you again tonight? Oh, my God.
I don't have time for this shit.
Baby, when you say things like that, it hurts my feelings.
Okay, you got to shut the fuck up and get the fuck out of my house.
I get it.
You're not a morning person.
If you ever want those pancakes, give me a call.
Motherfucker.
BERNARD: I'll let myself out, baby.
Good morning.
Morning, Jean.
DRIVER: Much car in street.
ANGEL: Oh, come on.
Whoa, whoa.
Damn, Karen.
You're ruining my garbage.
Sorry.
The cab driver made me get out - on this side.
- Yo, mami, you late.
Only five minutes.
I had to stop - and get a morning-after pill.
- Oh, shit.
Look, when are you gonna let me introduce you to a nice guy? Oh, they're all nice guys.
Is Raquel here? Hey, everybody here but you, mami.
I'm serious.
My cousin Juan will date you anytime.
- And he's got a car.
- Great.
(BREATHES DEEPLY) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (BOWLING PINS FALL ON TV) (VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS) - MAN (OVER TV): Strike! - JERRY (LAUGHING): Yeah.
Yeah! (BOWLING PINS FALL) Hey, buddy.
It's going to rain.
Michael, it's not gonna rain.
Look.
See? Beautiful day outside.
- (CHEERING) - MAN (OVER TV): Strike! Yes.
Aah! - Hey, guys.
All right, come on.
- Oh.
It's 9:30.
You know the rule.
No games, mister.
And no bowling until after morning meeting.
And now, before the new resident gets here.
(BOWLING PINS FALL) Al Roker said it's going to rain.
MAN (OVER TV): Strike! Al Roker doesn't know everything.
Watch your glasses.
Got it? JERRY: Yay! Hey, where's Max? North Pole.
(LAUGHS) North Pole.
Good one.
You know, what's up, player? (LAUGHS) - What's up? - Okay.
JERRY: North Pole.
(LAUGHS) - DAVID: Holler.
- JERRY: Whoa.
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus Right down Santa Claus Lane Vixen and Blitzen And all his reindeer - Max, meeting.
- I I can't go.
David'll touch my record and Jerry'll touch my record.
They'll both touch my record.
Well, just bring your record.
Oh, okay.
Max, just do it.
Okay.
(LAUGHS): Okay.
(BOWLING PINS FALL, LAUGHTER AND CHEERING) It might sprinkle.
Michael.
You're gonna get hot in here.
JACKSON (OVER PHONE): Brittany, hey.
- I love you, Karen.
- All right, I love you more.
What are you doing now, babe? Nothing.
I just woke up.
What are you doing? Whoa.
- BOTH: Karen.
- Hey, Karen.
Jackson, hi.
Brittany'll call you back today, like, a thousand times.
- Bye.
- Bye, Karen.
Karen, he's gonna break up with me.
Ladies, trust me.
Guys like a woman who's not always available.
- (BOWLING PINS FALL) - Now come on.
Let's go.
Morning meeting.
Come on.
- Let's go.
- Thank you.
Excuse me, mister.
- You brought all of them? - Oh, yes.
- JERRY: Whoa.
- DAVID: Yay-yay! Okay, guys, here's Raquel.
TV off.
TV off.
TV off.
BRITTANY: Karen! - Oh, no.
- Karen, your boob.
- Uh - DAVID: Damn.
Everybody, everybody calm down.
(LAUGHING): Oh, my goodness.
I want you to meet Andy, our new resident.
- DAVID: What's up, man? - OTHERS: Hi, Andy.
Hi, Andy.
- Is it raining out? - Michael, it's not gonna rain.
You promise? I promise.
Yeah, hi.
This is Karen Best.
I'm one of the counselors at Berger House.
Michael Llewyn won't be in to work today because it's - It's raining! - (GRUNTS) - (WHISPERS): Yes.
- You promised.
I know I did, Michael, but as we discussed already, sometimes things happen that you don't expect.
Like your boob? - That's too personal, mister.
- Guys, I'm on the phone.
- Good one! - Yes, I understand he bags groceries inside, but in order to get inside, he has to come in through the outside, - and that's not happening.
- I love you, Karen.
That's not happening! - Too loud.
- Well, according to the advocacy program, he gets ten sick days, and that's what today is.
Yep.
Look it up.
Thank you.
- Follow me into the kitchen.
- RUTH (CHANTING): Maggie! Maggie! Maggie! And the hits just keep on coming.
I used to sit right here, until I got my own private residence.
I'm the Jane Berger success story.
She's a hamburger success story.
- That's David.
- (LAUGHING): Hamburger! He thinks he's funny.
That's Jerry.
He's David's audience.
Everyone calls me Big D.
Nobody calls him Big D.
Big D, hand him a potato.
Well, see? She calls me Big D.
I love you, Maggie.
- Now, Ruth, I'm working.
- Okay.
JERRY: So Yankees or Mets? Yankees or the Mets? Yankees or the Mets?! Andy, I'd go with the Mets.
- (DOOR CREAKING) - ANGEL: Man, it's wet out there.
Really coming down.
MAGGIE: That's Angel.
He was in prison, but the Jane Berger House gave him a second chance.
He's sober now.
(SNORTS) And he takes out the trash.
Wow, she makes it sound so unglamorous.
I also clean toilets.
- Pee-ew! - Who am I? Wait, wait, wait, just one.
And droopy! Hey! - Droopy! - Oh, Karen.
DAVID: Hey, hey, I said droopy I got a droopy, hey, I got a droop Droop, droop, droop, droopy.
- (DAVID GIGGLES) - High five! High five, Andy! What? You don't like the Mets and you don't like boobs? All right, guys, that's enough with the potatoes.
JERRY: You don't like boobies.
Big D, he doesn't like boobs.
KAREN: That's enough with the potatoes.
That's en - (WARBLING) - Okay, Andy! Hey, hold up.
- That's not acceptable behavior - Maggie! - at the Jane Berger House.
- Maggie, everybody, calm down! - (JERRY LAUGHING) - Whoa, hold up, huh? - Jerry! - (STOPS LAUGHING) That's enough with the potatoes.
Andy, that was way over the line.
MAGGIE: That's not acceptable behavior at the Jane Berger House.
Raquel? Raquel, we need a meeting.
Karen, are you coming? (WHISPERS): Shit.
- (CLEARS THROAT) - MICHAEL: It's going to rain.
I know that, man.
RAQUEL: Come in.
Uh, before we start, can I just say, I'm a success story, too? Okay.
Exactly what happened? They were having sex.
KAREN: We weren't having sex.
He motorboated me.
What's "motorboated"? Uh Thanks for that, Karen.
Uh, motorboating is when a guy puts his face between your breasts, and he he shakes it.
Ew! That's inappropriate behavior at the Jane Berger House.
He has to leave.
He doesn't have to leave.
That's bad touching.
Yes, it is bad touching.
I'll handle it.
Great.
Maggie, are we done here? Let me rephrase that.
Maggie, we're done here.
Thank you for your help.
Just doing my job as an advocate for DS.
Later.
RAQUEL: Karen.
(CLEARS THROAT) Stay.
(QUIETLY): Okay.
Why aren't you wearing a bra? - I am wearing a bra.
- Uh I guess she just lost her fight, poor little thing.
(CHUCKLES) Look, if we're gonna make a change, we got to do it before Andy settles in.
- So, what do you want to do? - Well, I checked his file and he has no previous record of sexually aggressive behavior.
Why'd he leave the house in Philly? Told his parents the residents didn't like him there.
- All right, I'll talk to him.
- Okay.
You are really crushing that Nicorette.
Yeah, it's a two-pack day.
And, Karen, get a bra.
(WHISPERS): Copy that.
Okay.
And, Karen? Thanks for that motorboating moment.
This one? - You know what? It's a lot.
- I got more.
Anytime.
(LAUGHS) (LAUGHING) Oh, this girl.
(KEYBOARD PLAYING RIFF FROM "SMOKE ON THE WATER") "Smoke on the Water.
" Nice.
You a musician, Andy? You like music? I like music, too.
You know, when I was a kid, I thought I was gonna be a rock star.
(LAUGHS) My parents brought me back a rabbit fur hoodie from New York, and I would zip it up, wear it around the playground, singing Debbie Harry and "Hot Child in the City," which doesn't really make any sense, because that's not a Blondie song, is it? Okay.
Andy we need to talk about what happened downstairs.
- Be quiet! - Here comes Santa Claus Right down Santa (DOOR SLAMS) (ANDY RESUMES PLAYING RIFF FROM "SMOKE ON THE WATER") Andy? Andy.
I want this to work out here.
But touching me or anybody else is against the rules of Berger House.
It it cannot happen again.
Are we clear? (ANDY RESUMES PLAYING KEYBOARD) Great, now that song's gonna be stuck in my fucking head.
Karen, you said "fuck.
" Sorry.
- (DOOR OPENS) - TV NARRATOR: Up next, a woman is murdered - (DOOR CLOSES) - in broad daylight.
Jean (SIGHS) could you turn down your murder show a little? Oh, is it too loud? A little bit.
(TURNS OFF TV) You look nice.
Big day? No, I got dressed up for our dinner.
What dinner? Our dinner.
I invited you on Facebook.
Didn't you see our event page? You made an event page for just two people? Jean, nobody looks at those, and even if I did, I didn't say I could go.
Well, I posted "Regrets only.
" (SIGHS) Well, I can't tonight.
I'm having drinks with my friend G.
Bring her along.
The more the merrier, right? G's a guy.
Oh.
Is it serious? Oh, it's very serious.
G's gay, so we're gonna be together forever.
(EXHALES) Knock, knock.
Door's open, Jean.
How about lunch tomorrow? It's your day off, right? Oh, I I can't I have to buy a bra.
(GASPS) Fun.
Oh, we could make it a whole girls' day.
We could go to lunch and then bra shopping.
My treat.
The bra or the lunch? - Both.
- Okay.
JEAN (CHUCKLES): Knock, knock.
Door's still open, Jean.
One more thing.
Um, I found this on the floor.
I think it's that guy's you were doing the nasty with.
Bernard Williams.
Is that the guy? Why not? Thanks.
Literally all ones.
(BOTH LAUGHING) You can pick 'em.
Let's see.
Oh.
Five foot two.
Yeah.
That's how big his dick was.
(LAUGHING): Well - you had quite the night.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- (LAUGHS) Thank you.
S so (CHUCKLES) How's your roommate? Jean Naté? (SIGHS) She thought we had a date tonight.
- Well, you are on a roll, G.
- It's weird.
You know, I I picked her because she was only supposed to use the apartment once a month, but now she's there all the time.
She wants to go shopping and and take me to lunch.
It's like I'm running around town with the 70-year-old Carrie Bradshaw.
(LAUGHS) G, be nice.
Do it.
She probably misses her daughters.
Where's she from? I don't know.
The past.
(LAUGHS) Uh, oh, no.
We did not order desserts.
Yeah, he says we're off sugar.
They're from Simon.
Ah.
Simon.
Ah-ha-ha-ha.
Simon.
The married waiter that you're fucking? That Simon? Yeah, that one.
Simon, the one you said wouldn't be working here tonight? Yes, that Simon.
He wasn't supposed to be here.
I told you I never wanted to meet him.
I never wanted you to meet him, either, - but here he comes, so be sweet.
- (SIGHS) - SIMON: Well, surprise, surprise.
- I know.
You don't work Thursdays.
Yeah, well, I needed to pick up an extra shift.
I thought you got that big Diet Coke commercial.
Yeah, I did, but they fired me.
My American accent sucks.
Said my "Enjoy Diet Coke" sounded like (AMERICAN ACCENT): "Enjoy diet cock.
" - (LAUGHS) - Oh.
- Yeah.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Simon.
This is my friend Louis.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Thank you for the desserts.
- Oh.
Very nice, G.
- I'm sorry, G? - Oh, yeah.
It's a nickname we have for each other.
It's short for, like, "Girl," "Gina," "Gina Marie.
" (LAUGHS): It's a long story.
Well, stop making it longer.
Hey, uh, Kar, you want to wait for me in the bar, and we'll, uh (CLICKS TONGUE) grab a drink when I'm done? Yeah, it's kind of a girls' night.
Yeah? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Well, I better get back to it, then.
I am in the weeds.
Wait a second.
Is this any better? (AMERICAN ACCENT): Oh, I'm in the weeds.
- (LAUGHS) - Oh, my God.
Wait.
Okay, wait a second.
You (AMERICAN ACCENT): I'm in the weeds, man.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Oh, man, I I suck, yeah.
Only Aussie actor can't do an American accent.
(BOTH LAUGH) You get it now, right? Yeah, I get it.
He wants you to wait at the bar until he's done, and then he'll fuck you.
Yeah.
I mean, I have to fuck him.
- Look at him.
- (SIGHS) This is so inappropriate.
You might as well date one of those sweet Down's boys from work.
G, it's not "sweet Down's boys.
" It's "sweet boys with Down syndrome.
" And I would never date one of them.
They're way too good for me.
You deserve more than this.
Do I? (CHUCKLES) (SIGHS) Hey, what else is in that wallet? Oh, a pot card.
- (CHUCKLES) - You have to give that wallet back.
Oh, I'm never seeing him again.
You have all that free, businessy, messenger-y stuff.
You send it back.
Oh, and get a check.
I have to go thank Simon for the bread pudding.
He knows it's my favorite.
He's married.
Yeah, for his green card.
And speaking of green cards, I'm keeping the pot card.
I am not leaving here without you.
Copy that.
(SIGHS) Oh.
Waiter.
Would you take these away? Please.
(KAREN MOANING) Hi.
Our Uber just pulled up.
(GROANS) Thank you.
Oh, here's some cute ones over here.
You know, my daughters Mary Beth and Melanie and I love to go shopping.
Are you close to your family? Oh, I don't know.
Are you? Very.
You know, after my husband died, the girls had a big fight over who would get me.
What about this one? No, I'm looking for something, you know, lacy, sexy.
Something with a little personality.
Oh, fun.
Okay.
Ah, I have an idea.
Let's take a selfie.
I want to put it on Facebook.
Oh.
Right now, I don't I don't have my face together.
Really? Oh, the girls would love to see it.
I've told them all about you.
Why don't I take one of you? How about that? Okay.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) - All right.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
(CHUCKLES) Can you see my shirt? Oh, yeah.
- Aw.
- How do I look? Like a girl having a great time in the city.
Perfect, 'cause I am.
SALESWOMAN: Can I help you ladies? Yeah, I need a bra.
Immediately.
Okay.
Do you have this in a 36D? - Well, you're not a 36D.
- Yeah, I am.
- I have been since high school.
- No, there's no way you could fit into a 36D.
Um, yeah, I can, and I do.
Okay, well, that has got three bra extenders, which would make you a 46EE.
Well, what's that, like, European sizes? No, that's real life.
Okay, well, does this come in a 46EE? No, but I could fit you in one of those.
KAREN: Those grandma bras? I think we can do better than that.
We'll keep looking and get back to you.
I think she was looking for something with a little more personality.
Personality doesn't come in that size.
The dressing rooms are over there.
Oh.
SALESWOMAN: I found one in a fun color.
Well, that's the same shit but in pink.
It's not pink.
It's champagne.
Uh, no, thanks.
I'll look someplace else.
Try it.
Trust me, it's the best you're ever gonna do.
Miss you should look down at your lapel button again because you're not being very supportive.
I'm only trying to help.
What's the problem? Well, imagine what it must be like to be her.
Nothing fits.
When I was a little girl, I was real fucked up looking.
For a while, I had just one front tooth, so my brothers Keith and Kyle called me "Fang.
" So I joined the swim team to get some self-respect.
And then my nipples came in.
Not my tits, just my nipples.
And they got everybody at school calling me, "Little nippy titty, little nippy titty.
" So I ran home.
It was a Friday night, I remember, 'cause I was watching Dallas and The Dukes of Hazzard, and I was sitting on the couch and I was crying.
And my mom sat down next to me, she said, "Karen, what's wrong?" I said, "Well, Keith and Kyle got everybody at school calling me 'Little nippy titty.
'" And do you want to know what she said to me? Do you want to know what she said to me? She said Ooh Don't you cry Then she said, "Come with me, let's have a drink.
" Hit the track! (CHIMES) She said, "Karen, you're a woman now.
You got to stand tall and be proud of what your mama gave you.
Do you hear me?" You got them little nippy titties Put 'em in the air She got them tube sock titties She put 'em in the air I got these beaver tail titties I put 'em in the air Put 'em up, put 'em up Put 'em up You got them low-riding titties Put 'em in the air She got them rubber ducky titties Put 'em in the air You got them single malt titties Put 'em in the air Put 'em up, put 'em up Put 'em up You got them flapjack titties Put 'em in the air She got them Laffy Taffy titties Put 'em in the air You got them oven-mitty titties Put 'em in the air Put 'em up, put 'em up, put 'em up And then we bounce, bounce, bounce We bounce, bounce, bounce We bounce, bounce, bounce We bounce, bounce, bounce You got them big and juicy titties Put 'em in the air She got them ding-dong titties Put 'em in the air You got them Tater Tot titties Put 'em in the air Put 'em up, put 'em up, put 'em up You got them meatball titties Put 'em in the air She got them mousetrap titties Put 'em in the air You got them baby-soft titties Put 'em in the air Put 'em up, put 'em up, put 'em up And then we bounce, bounce, bounce We bounce, bounce, bounce We bounce, bounce, bounce We bounce, bounce, bounce You got them Wu-Tang, Hoobastank Peach pit titties Tic Tac, Cracker Jack Hammerhead titties Fire hose, needle-nose Just one titty Put 'em up, put 'em up, put 'em up We want 'em up We put 'em up Put 'em up, put 'em up - We put 'em up - Put 'em up Put 'em up, put 'em up And then we bounce.
JEAN: Karen? Karen? Yeah? Do you want to go someplace else? No, I'll just take this one.
So, have you got any big plans for tonight? No, I have some work to do.
NARRATOR (ON TV): The type of town where people never locked their doors, till murder came to visit.
Thanks for lunch.
TV NARRATOR: Thomas Milton and Stephanie Peck seemed to be the perfect couple Cell phone records and search dogs provided some leads, but if not for some crack police work and a chance encounter (COMPUTER CHIMES) (CHUCKLES) TV NARRATOR: In a police confession taken months after the brutal murder, Paul Tilson admitted he felt that Eva had ruined his Is it too loud? No.
So, who's killing who? NARRATOR: that ended in an act of violent vengeance.
High school sweethearts.
NARRATOR: After two years of intensive investigation, the main suspect, his head-cheerleader wife, was released on a technicality.
What's up with you and these murder shows, Jean? Uh, I like the sound of his voice.
It's so soothing.
NARRATOR: On the day of her release, she got in her deceased husband's 1962 Corvette convertible and drove off.
She drove and drove, and was never seen again.
That's not you, is it, Jean? - No.
- (BOTH LAUGHING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (BOWLING PINS CLATTER ON TV) JERRY: Whoa.
Good one, Andy.
(APPLAUSE ON TV) (SIGHS) Yo, mami! Yes, I got a new bra.
- Let's not make a big deal about this.
- No.
I'm not gonna make a big deal about this.
But that bra sure as shit is.
(JERRY AND ANDY CHEERING) DAVID: Whoa-ho-ho! Everybody duck.
It's just a bra.
No, it's a big, big bra! Big boobs, Andy.
Hey, guys, come on.
Let's go, morning meeting.
Andy, look at her boobs.
Andy! KAREN: Come on, guys, let's have a meeting.
- Guys, come on, let's go - Whoa.
- Andy - RUTH: Oh, my God.
go to your room.
JERRY: Whoa.
He's not a success story.
- Raquel? - Karen, are you okay? I'm fine, Brittany, thank you.
I love you, Karen.
Love you more.
Frosty the snowman Was a jolly, happy soul With a corncob pipe You know that was inappropriate behavior.
Yes.
So, if you knew it was inappropriate, why'd you do it? I had to.
Why? The other boy was looking at me.
Okay and? Some magic in that old silk hat Andy.
Look, I don't think this is gonna work out here.
I don't want to get teased.
Well, why would you get teased? (VOICE BREAKING): It happened at the other house.
He could laugh and play just the same as What happened at the other house? They made fun of me! Well, why would they make fun of you? Look at Frosty go Andy.
I can't tell.
Look, we all have stuff inside of us that we're afraid of letting out.
You don't tell anybody.
I'm not gonna tell anybody.
I like boys.
(CHUCKLES): Well, I like boys.
No, I mean I am gay.
Are you mad at me? No.
So you're gay.
And here I thought we weren't gonna get along.
(BOTH LAUGHING) ("SMOKE ON THE WATER" PLAYING) (SIGHS) Better.
KAREN: We all came out to Montreux On the Lake Geneva shoreline To make records with a mobile We didn't have much time Smoke on the water A fire in the sky Smoke on the water.