MacGruber (2021) s01e01 Episode Script

1 This is the story of the greatest man to ever walk the earth, MacGruber.
He was a military secret weapon America's favorite son Doing whatever it takes to keep the country safe Been ripping throats out just for fun His prowess on the battlefield Was only equaled in the sack He knew how to hump and, baby, I should know I was his wife so I humped him back Wow.
But our marriage lasted seven seconds 'Cause at the altar as we pledged our love I was blown up by MacGruber's nemesis The piece of shit named Dieter von Cunth Then a bunch of fucking years later Cunth hijacked a nuclear bomb Well, Mac assembled a team that was hungry and mean But they exploded in a van A backup team was assembled Dixon Piper was his right hand man And my best friend Vicki St.
Elmo Joined MacGruber and they formed a plan But while they were on the mission Mac and Vicki both developed a crush They tracked down Cunth and blew his compound up And in their spare time, they boned a bunch Their relationship Progressed super quickly They were the love of each other's life And after more flirting MacGruber was certain And he asked Vicki to be his wife But just when you thought everything was safe Cunth came back from the dead And just like me, he tried to kill Vicki On their motherfuckin' wedding day But MacGruber fought hard and killed that fucker And threw him off a cliff Then using Piper's gun Mac shot Cunth full of holes And then pissed on his smoldering corpse So spread the words, ya frickin' turds MacGruber is the man Now you're all caught up and you can watch the show Send complaints to this woman Susanne Go get it, Bailey.
Nightingale is secure.
She's all good, Mr.
President.
- Thanks, Ronnie.
- Hey, grab a cookie.
John, are you gonna come help me or am I gonna have to decorate this whole tree all by myself? I'm sorry, hon.
I-I gotta finish up a little light reading from the Joint Chiefs.
Bah humbug.
North Pole, Santa speaking.
Hello, Mr.
President.
Who the hell is this? Bailey Bailey! You take from me, I take from you.
Lucy.
Bailey? Go, go, go! Are you sure about this, sir? No, Major, I'm not.
This son of a bitch is our only hope.
And what if he says no? Then God help us.
He's been in and out of the special housing unit since he got here.
He's what we like to call a "problem inmate.
" Why is that? Let's just say he doesn't play well with others.
Shit.
Fuck it.
Just leave it, man.
I'll go get it.
Are you trying to steal my ball? See, it's on my side of the yard, so, the way I see it, this is my ball now.
Good news is, I'm gonna let you keep it.
The bad news? I'm gonna shove it up your ass.
Do you like things up your ass, boy? Huh? I said, do you like things up your ass? I like things in my butt.
What the fuck you just say? Thought I was speaking pretty clearly.
I said, "I like things in my butt.
" So why don't you leave the kid alone and come put your little rubber ball up inside me? Did you hear that, you fucking piece of shit? - You got a death wish, man? - Why, are you a genie? No, I'm the guy who's gonna pound your fucking face in.
Nice to meet you, guy who's gonna pound my fucking face in.
My name is let the kid go or I'll kill you and all your fucking friends Love Hewitt.
But, hey, we're getting off track here, bud.
You got a perfectly nice ball, and I have a desire to have that ball up my butt.
So I guess the only question is: are you gonna jam it up there or am I? Lucky me.
We done here? Hit him! God damn it, Pierce.
Shut this down now.
- Yes, sir.
- Wait a minute, son.
I'd like to see this.
Pretty satisfying main course so far.
Hope you saved room for dessert.
Or should I say dis dirt! Throat rip! Throat rip, throat rip! Is this what you want? - Yeah! - Is it? Shut it down.
Sorry, bud, but for you, that's all she throat.
Open 104.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't my old friend, Lieutenant Colonel Barrett Fasoose.
It's General Fasoose now.
Sorry, General.
Who's the cherry? - Major Harold Kernst, NSA.
- It's an honor to meet you, sir.
Save the fuckin' Boy Scout shit for someone who gives a flying funk.
I'll cut to the chase.
We need you, MacGruber.
Of course you do.
The government is prepared to release you from prison, restore your pension, and grant you a full pardon.
Oh, a full pardon! You mean, for a crime I didn't commit? You killed an unarmed man in front of 75 people at your own wedding.
Unarmed? He shot a rocket-propelled RPG at our wedding pagoda! You could've just arrested him.
Instead you threw him off a cliff, riddled him with bullets, and urinated on his corpse.
Cunth deserved everything he got, and you know that.
Well, the jury felt differently.
Well, fuck the fucking jury.
Look, Mac, I understand you're angry, but we're offering you a way out here.
And this one comes all the way from the top.
The President? Oh, my God.
I-I've been waiting for this day for ten years.
Oh, my God, I'm a free man.
There's a catch.
It's a suicide mission, Mac.
Major, give us a second.
Sir.
In exactly 46 hours, there's going to be a hostage exchange.
And I'm the hostage.
The kidnappers requested you specifically.
Flattering.
They left this as some kind of calling card.
Said it would explain your death sentence.
Look familiar? Never seen it before.
Shame, 'cause this is all we've got.
Well, sucks to be you.
Look, super tempting offer, but it's a hard pass.
Mac, it's not for me.
It's for your country.
Oh, for my country, huh? Let me tell you a little something about my country.
I risked my life for my country.
I saved her from a fuckin' nuclear holocaust.
And what did my country do for me? Destroyed my marriage, took a dump in my reputation's mouth, and caged me like a wild animal.
So fuck my country! And fuck you.
Merry Christmas, MacGruber.
Merry Christmas.
Happy birthday to you - Happy birthday to you - Open it.
Happy birthday, dear MacGruber Down now! Mommy! One flannel shirt.
One tan vest.
One pair of denim jeans.
One wedding ring, gold.
One pair of sunglasses.
One locket, gold.
One car stereo, Blaupunkt.
Sign on the line.
Who let the dog out? This way, MacGruber.
You wish.
Sir, we have strict instructions to take you straight to NSA headquarters.
Well, I'm sure you do.
I'm afraid this isn't a request.
Look I have one day left on this Earth.
One fucking day.
Please let me go say my goodbyes.
Sorry.
My hands are tied.
I understand.
Shit.
Shoelaces.
Damn it.
Call it in.
Threat assessment.
Awareness, detection, response.
Always be on the lookout, because if you're not on your game, that's you in a body bag.
So to recap, U-turns are okay at an intersection unless a sign explicitly prohibits it.
Any other questions on U-turns? I have a question.
What the hell are you doing here? What happens if you've, uh, done something that you regret with all your heart? Something that made one of your most dependable allies lose faith in you.
Is it possible to, uh, U-turn in that situation? Like, say you murdered someone.
Someone who deserved it.
And then in court, you got really scared, like shit your pants scared.
So you pinned some of the blame on your friend Who did throw you the murder weapon, by the way.
But then that friend got kicked out of the military, was forced to teach traffic school to a bunch of fuckin' losers 'cause his life went down the toilet.
Could that friend ever U-turn his feelings toward that friend who fucked his life, if that friend The first friend, the accused murderer Was as sorry as the sorriest person ever in the history of the universe? Hello, Piper.
- Class dismissed.
- No, not dismissed.
Wait, Piper.
Piper, bud! Look, I blew it, with a capital B.
Blew it? You ruined my life.
You took away everything I'd been working toward and threw it in the garbage.
Yeah, and then I went to jail, dude.
So did I! Five years for aiding and abetting.
And now, thanks to you, I'm a convicted felon and I'll never work in the military again.
No.
For sure, you won't.
And I apologize with my whole heart, base to tip, so you have to forgive me.
No, MacGruber.
I will never ever forgive you.
Never ever say never ever.
Remember I said that to you once? And you said it back to me a couple days later? Come here.
Fuck you, MacGruber.
Al Green took you to the river Berlin took your breath away The Eagles took it to the limit Janis Joplin Took another little piece of your heart But I Don't wanna take I wanna give and I wanna live And I forgive your primitive And pre-emptive attempt to shake And bake the rake That held my guard and take - Vicki.
- Your heart But you left me like a mess Oh, I confess, I failed the test To bless my quest to be the best To win your heart which was a part Of the start of my art which turned me upside down A frowning clown all around the town Who wore a crown and made the sound of - What the fuck is this? - Shh.
The bubbles small and tall and heeded the call And went to the mall with Lauren Bacall And the late Lou Rawls and a Cabbage Patch doll And then in the bar, in the car With a star ate a Larabar With a pirate, arr And I met a robot whose name was Bobot And we shared a loquat on a tropical donut I love to shove above the dove Wearing oven gloves with Hilary Duff But then Jimmy Buffett took the tuffet From Little Miss Muffet And he told her to stuff it Oh, what a good time with a friend of mine And we started to rhyme and it flowed like wine And it went like this Back hair, fair, tear, share, Nair, hair Stare, lair, dare, pear, mare Mohair, kiss, piss, tis, list, wiz, this Shiz, Liz, yes, yes, this, biss, liss Doesn't have to exist if you say it with zest There's no rhyme or reason 'Cause you don't need a reason To run all the time Lime, slime, by mine I love you, friend I love you, lover I love Love Thank you.
That's too much.
Thank you.
Fuckin' good.
I'd listen to that on the radio.
Okay, give it up for Victoria St.
Elmo Fasoose.
- You liked it? - Outstanding.
Oh, my gosh! Are you sure? - Outstanding.
- Oh, I was so nervous.
- It wasn't too short? - No.
Oh, my gosh, I was so nervous.
You were great.
Oh, oh, yes.
Oh, right there.
Oh, that's amazing.
- Oh, my king! - So close, so close.
- So close.
- Oh, you are my king! So close, so close.
Close, close, oh.
Oh.
- Oh, you're my king.
- Oh.
Bravo.
MacGruber? Oh.
Oh! Hope I wasn't disturbing anything.
God damn it.
Where the hell have you been, MacGruber? Half of D.
C.
is looking for you right now.
Relax, I'm gonna do your stupid ass mission.
Maybe you've forgotten how things work.
Remember protocol? Chain of command? God damn it, we expected you at Langley this afternoon! And I expected me to be married forever.
But my first wife got blown up at the goddamn altar and my second wife left me to rot in prison and is currently fucking some shit-dick who can barely get her off in the sack three times.
So, sorry to break it to you, General, but things don't always go as planned, do they? Do they? It must've been hard to see.
And hear and smell.
Look, Mac, you were given a life sentence.
Victoria had to move on.
Maybe I shouldn't have come.
Where the hell you think you're going? Don't worry.
I'll be there.
Mac, my ass is on the line here And my life is on the line! I'll be there.
And, look, I don't mind that you put your penis in Vicki's vagina, but put it in her heart too.
You got it, Mac.
So this is it? Barrett told you.
Enough to know that this might be my last chance to say goodbye.
Well, my country has invited me to die for it, and I RSVP'd, "Yas queen.
" Uncle Sam told you to jump and you go get your jumping shoes.
Classic MacGruber.
You don't have to do this.
And what else do I have to live for, huh? A fucking concrete cell? Anyway, I just wanted to see you one last time before I, uh, went away.
Look, Vic I made some mistakes.
Are you referring to when you blamed me for Cunth's death at your trial? - Yes.
- And you tried to persuade the jury that it was premeditated and I planned the whole thing? - Uh, uh, yes.
- And then when you pushed for the death penalty for me? Look, we're getting in the weeds here.
I'm not proud of what I did.
But if it's any consolation, I thought about you every single second I was in jail.
And I understand why you never came to visit or called.
And I truly accept your apology.
- I didn't apologize.
- Thanks.
And, look, Barrett, he's a good man.
And just know, I don't mind that he puts his penis in your vagina.
But I hope that he puts it in your heart too.
I just told him that but I wanted you to hear it as well.
Good tidings, Vicki.
And I mean that.
The very best of tidings to you.
Everyone, listen up.
This is our red zone.
A hundred square miles of open desert with zero ground cover.
The enemy will allow one vehicle only into our red zone, but we will have eyes in the sky.
That means, triggers off fingers unless ordered otherwise.
We need to be on our toes, people, 'cause these are some bad-ass hombres and they have come to play.
Why don't you just let them finger your butt hole, General? MacGruber.
Nice of you to show up.
You remember your butt hole, don't you? It's right around the corner from the balls and penis that were pumping my wife last night.
Mac, this isn't the time or the place.
You listen here, General.
I'm kidding, bud.
'Sup, gang? MacGruber here.
The general's in a committed relationship with my ex-wife and last night, I gave them my consent.
And I meant that, Barrett.
Look, I'm sorry for interrupting.
I believe you're at the part where you were just about to explain why you don't just let them finger your butt hole.
Kidding.
Continue.
Thank you.
The attack on POTUS was a highly coordinated strike, using advanced TTP and E&E capabilities.
So it's likely that our enemy is ex-military.
Now, the exchange is set for oh eight hundred.
That's, uh, 8 A.
M.
o'clock.
Eight o'clock A.
M.
- That's correct.
- Ante meridiem.
That's, uh, what A.
M.
stands for.
- Right.
- I'd always wondered what it stood for, and so that's it.
You know, I looked it up.
Yeah.
Continue.
E7 Davidson will lead Fire Team Bravo to the red zone where the packages will be exchanged.
Make no mistake, people, this will be the most important rescue mission of your lives.
And I wanna thank Mac for his sacrifice.
I know it wasn't an easy decision.
You mean the decision to get killed by terrorists and be dead forever? - Yes.
- Well, you know Ain't nothing but a MacG thing.
But that's the life we chose.
Death is our job.
And I know that every man or woman in this god damn room would make the same god damn decision that I made 11 times out of god damn 10.
And yeah, it's brave, and it's commendable, and it's patriotic as shit, but it's also contagious like the clap.
Because bravery begets bravery.
And yeah, this time, it's me.
But next time, it might be you.
Or you.
Or you.
Or you.
Or you.
Or you.
Or you.
Or you.
Or you.
You get the point.
Or you.
Or you.
Or you.
Or you.
Or you.
Or you.
You see what I'm saying? Could be anyone of us.
It could be you in the back.
I haven't even looked in the back.
Could be you in the suit.
You with the thinning hair.
Double chin.
Looking at frumpy dump right there.
It could be you.
It could be anybody.
But this time, it's me.
This guy.
Please tell people I did this.
Thank you.
Entering red zone.
Bravo Team, you're on your own.
Fire Team Bravo in position.
Copy that, Bravo Team.
Set the asset and hold tight for package.
Death, be not proud, though some have called thee.
Mighty and dreadful, but thou art not so.
For those who thou Uh, who, thou, dost, uh for for those doust Fuck.
John Donne.
John Donne.
It's been an honor Eyes on target.
Vehicle approaching from the southwest.
Who are you, you son of a bitch? Walk.
Stop.
Take off your clothes.
Pardon? Take off your clothes.
But, uh can we talk about this for a moment? Do it or the hostage dies.
Underwear, too.
Underwear, too.
Hands on your head.
Oh, come on.
Ha, ha, ha.
Five, four Three, two But I Fine, fine! Fuckin' perv! Turn around.
What? It's super fucking cold out here! Friggin' desert.
What the fuck? You guys traded me for a fucking dog? Oh, you son of a bitch, Fasoose! You fuckin' piece of shit! Oh, and the president's a piece of shit, too.
Fuck him and his stupid wife and your stupid piece of shit daughter.
Oh, oh, Jesus.
It was a Okay, it was the daughter too.
Sorry about my language.
Target acquired.
We got her, Mr.
President.
General, thank you.
Why don't you stay for a little bit? Okay, light him up.
But, sir, what about MacGruber? I'm not gonna let America's finest soldier give up his god damn life to a group of god damn terrorists, so take the shot.
Is that clear, Major? Yes, sir.
Eagle One, engage target.
Roger that.
Command, command Something's wrong with the controls.
We can't God damn it, take the shot.
We can't, sir.
They're interfering with the signal.
We lost visual.
Damn it.
No.
No, it's not possible.
Queeth? Hello, MacGruber.