Mad About You s01e01 Episode Script

What could you possibly have in your nose I don't have? - Oh, was I snoring? - I can't believe you're alive.
Oh, God, I dreamt we were really good friends with Dean Martin.
It's 6.
45 on a completely gross Friday morning in New York.
The Lincoln Tunnel is-- Why do we let this man in our bedroom? Can you run the shower and make the coffee? I think I'm pregnant.
Just kidding.
Make the coffee.
Tell me why I love you like I do Tell me who Can start my heart as much as you Tell me all your secrets and I'll tell you most of mine They say nobody's perfect Well, that's really true this time I don't have the answers I don't have a plan But I'm mad about you, baby So help me understand What we do You can whisper in myear Where we go Who knows what happens after here Let's take each other's hand As we jump into the final frontier I'm mad about you, baby Yeah I'm mad about you - Honey, we're leaving in five seconds.
- You're not waiting for me.
If we're not on the subway by 8:00, all the non-sticky seats are taken.
Listen, you don't have to pick up the dry cleaning today.
- Okay.
How come? - 'Cause I never took it in.
It's still sitting in a shopping bag under my desk.
- In your office? - I forgot it.
Honey, people walk by there-- strangers.
You know, they look underyour desk, and they see my soiled garments? They're not on display.
They're under my desk.
You know what I'm saying.
Somebody drops a pencil, it rolls underyour desk.
Next thing, some guy is walking around with my pants on his head, you know.
How good could I feel about something like that? It doesn't bother you that we haven't had sex in five days? Hello.
I just don't understand why it doesn't bother you.
- It's been almost a week.
- It's not a week.
Sunday will be a week.
What's going on with us? What's going on is that we're married five months and the sexual part is over.
See, I thought you understood that.
I'm sorry.
That's what happens now.
I play checkers in the park, and you start arguing with buses.
- Come on.
- It's not funny.
- You serious? - I'm very serious.
What's going on? Nothing is going on.
It's just-- Stuff happens.
- What stuff? - Life stuff.
My life.
Your life.
Look, Monday I was editing film until 2:00 in the morning and then Tuesday you had the conference thing.
And then we saw my parents, which, you know killed the mood Wednesday and sucked the life out of me Thursday.
So there you go.
There's your week right there.
What can I say? I'm a woman.
I have needs.
- I understand.
- I'm young.
- No one's arguing.
- I'm vital.
- And beautiful.
- Are my ears too big for my head? - And very neurotic.
- No, seriously.
- Is my head getting smaller? - I didn't want to say anything - but yes, and for some time now.
- Stop.
Listen, tonight, can wejust do nothing? - Really? - Really.
- Don't toy with me, white boy.
- I'm serious.
Tonight, we'll both come home early, and, you know, we'll have dinner.
And sex.
I really think we should have sex.
Can I please finish? We have dinner at 7:00.
Figure foreplay, 8:1 5.
Ifwe're naked at 8:30, we're wheezing and sweating at 9:00.
- Perfect.
- All right.
- I'm gonna make lasagne.
- Ooh, you could do that? Well, I can try.
We can open that nice wine we got from Fran and Mark.
- Oh, no.
- What? Fran and Mark.
We're having dinner with Fran and Mark.
- What are you talking about? - We have plans.
- I had no knowledge ofthis.
- Yes, you did.
When? You never said anything.
Last Friday, as we left the apartment you said, "What are we doing for dinner?" I said, "We have no plans, but the next Friday we're seeing Fran and Mark.
" - What? - You were out oftown last Friday.
Damn it.
- But a nice try.
That was real good.
- So what are we gonna do? - We blow 'em off.
- We're always cancelling on them.
- Yeah, 'cause we don't like them.
- But they're such good friends.
J ust call Fran, tell her that we can't do it.
- You call her.
- You should.
She's your friend.
Can wejust discuss it in the elevator, please? - What is it now? - I have to open the window for the dog.
Honey, it's an apartment, not a Volvo.
Why do we go through this? Because the kid who walks him can't get up here till 3:00, and the heat's on.
Yeah, but-- A burglar is not gonna climb up Cat burglars.
That's all they do.
They climb and they steal.
Oh, honey, come on.
Ifyou're not out of here in two seconds I'm moving all your clothes around.
- Who says I don't like your outfit? - You don't.
I love your outfit! Oh, you're out ofyour mind.
See, this is whyyou guys are so good together.
Why? Because you make time for each other.
Mom and Dad never did that.
- Does this look like enough to you? - Well, I'm not that hungry.
Oh, did you want to stay? No.
I'm not gonna interfere with your date.
Besides, I already have plans.
Anything good? I'm gonna wallow.
Why? 'Cause you got the husband and the good hair.
Stop it.
I broke up with Arthur, that creep from Fort Lee.
Oh, the one who looks like William Devane? Willem Dafoe.
William Devane? Who am I ? Mom? - What happened? - I don't even want to talk about it.
- He doesn't want to get married again.
- So? Neither do you.
But he doesn't even want to date.
He says he likes me too much to date.
He likes you too much to date? Where do you meet these people? Hey, that's what's out there.
Trust me, you married the perfect guy.
Oh, yeah, unless you're sitting in a restaurant starving to death, waiting to order.
"I'm thinking soup, but they only have bisque, and I'm uneasy with bisque.
I don't know why.
" Believe me, nothing's perfect.
Oops.
You're gonna serve that now? No, not till about 7:00.
Ooh, look, a cute girl.
- Look at you guys.
- Lisa.
- Don't worry.
I'm not staying.
- What? - I'm not staying.
- Sure.
Whatever.
How's everything? Good? How's the guy from Fort Lee? More importantly, how is the new car running? Good? They stole my stereo and slashed the seats.
- No! - Where? I was at Roosevelt Hospital the night I had my panic attack.
Yeah, but you're insured, right? I forgot to send in my premium.
Hey, who needs insurance as long as you got your health, right? And I'm getting my period again.
Oh, look what happened here! Would you excuse me for one minute? - That was subtle.
What? - "What?" What is she doing here? We're supposed to have foreplay in 1 1 minutes.
Shejust got dumped.
She's so depressed.
Lisa? Depressed? Really? What was I supposed to do? Not let her come over? If I walked in here tonight with Selby, you would've gone nuts.
- Well, that's different.
- Why is that different? Because she's my sister, and he's over here every night ofour life.
And she's not, right? You know, tonight was supposed to be you and me.
That was the whole purpose.
If it means that much to you, I'll ask her to leave.
Who are you calling? - Selby, what's up? - Don't you dare.
Lasagne.
Is it vegetarian? 'Cause he won't eat that.
If he comes over, I'm walking out of here.
- Why would she mind? - I'll go out with my sister.
Where? To do what? Wherever to do whatever I want.
See you when you get here.
Great.
- Well, so much for our evening alone.
- It don't look too good right now.
Why don't you just marry Selby? You'll probably be a lot happier.
Hey, send your sister home.
I'll call offSelby right now.
You are so cruel.
I'm cruel? That's interesting.
I'm cruel.
- Tell me that you called Fran and Mark.
- You said you were gonna call.
- I did.
You said-- - Forget it! Don't tell me to forget it.
Who invites them? - That's not the point.
- Who complains that we're never alone? Well, I changed my mind.
I don't even want to have a relationship with you.
- Oh, that's very nice.
- Hi! Honey, sweetie, can I say something? Flat isn't always more.
We're gonna have enough.
The only one who's gonna eat is Selby, you know.
I had a big lunch, and Lisa's dieting and Mark and Fran are gonna split a piece.
And you're not gonna eat 'cause you're mad.
I'm not mad.
I feel like I should go home and change clothes.
- I didn't know you were having guests.
- Well, neither did we.
- Are you guys fighting? - This is just how we live.
Don't mind me.
I just need ice.
Maybe you could chip some off my wife's mood.
Ow! - Oh, I'm sorry.
- You have no ice? That's the one thing I asked you to do.
Selby said that he's bringing the ice.
- Well, Selby isn't here yet.
- Yes, he is.
Hejust walked in.
And he's already torturing my husband.
- Seriously.
- What? - How often you cheat on Fran? - What? Come on.
You could tell me.
Man to man.
What kind ofa question is that? - Is Fran still seeing that transit cop? - What? - Come on.
Come here.
- I'll be back.
What's going on? I told you to bring ice, but you forgot it in the cab.
Got it.
How do you forget ice in a cab? I don't know.
I'm such a jerk.
The driver, he had one ofthose little coolers in the front seat.
I asked him to keep it up there for me so it wouldn't melt.
Like a dope, I forgot.
You guys are like the Abbott and Costello of liars.
- She's tough.
- Very tough.
Hey, looks like the party's in here.
I love this.
This always happens.
Why do people congregate in the kitchen? Know why? 'Cause nobody wants to say "Get out so I could fight with my spouse in private.
" - I got the cheese.
- I have a plate.
Mark, could you bring these inside, please? No problem.
- Come on, let's start the salad.
- Fran, Paul and I need a second.
Oh.
Are you okay? - Mm-hmm.
- Is everything all right? Can I help? Give these to Mark.
He knows where they go? Yes.
Yes, he does.
I'm definitely gonna call them if I ever move.
- Ifyou move? - What? No.
Sorry.
We.
Ifwe move, okay? Kill me 'cause I said "I" instead of"we.
" You know why I said that? 'Cause subliminally that means I hate you.
- There's a magnet in the thing.
- I don't know why this is all so hard! - What? - This! Everything! Marriage! It's supposed to be different than this.
- Says who? - Everyone.
Well, they're wrong.
It's just like this.
- It's exactly like this.
- According to who? Everybody.
I asked around.
Look, there's always gonna be stuff, you know.
But I put up with your crap, and you put up with my crap.
- That's marriage? - This is what I'm thinking.
Great.
Look, all I know is that ifwe keep this up we're gonna die 'cause I'm either gonna burst into flames or I'm gonna strangle you.
- I really don't want to do either one.
- What do you want? I just want to be married to you.
What ifthis lasagne sucks? What if it doesn't? What ifthey come-- - More.
- Come here.
There's people out there.
They got enough chips to keep them occupied.
- Come here.
- What are you doing? - Come here.
- Hey.
There's people out there.
Nobody come in here for a while.
It's a big surprise.
You don't scare me.
Listen, what do you think the surprise is? Well, you see, I know what it is, but I can't tell you.
- You know? What? They told you? - Mark, please.
No, who told you? Paul? Come on, you're making me uncomfortable here.
You think this makes me a bad hostess? Not at all.
Can you imagine if Fran walked in? Honey, Fran is not the image I need right now.
Sorry.
It's probably a big deal over nothing.
The first few times we had people over, the littlest things can set you off.
If I told you I once cried because I didn't have a gravy boat would you believe me? Are you sureJamie does it like that? 'Cause the last time we were here, the silver was next to the plates.
Shejust switched to this method last week.
There's a very sharp corner digging right in my thigh.
Our next table has to be a king.
They're probably baking.
Fran? I'm not sure.
I've heard baking before.
It doesn't sound like that.
Fran? Oh, ofcourse! My birthday two weeks ago.
Ifshe is baking me a cake, I will absolutely kill her.
Fran, you can't go in there.
Are you two okay? You know, speed is usually considered a bad thing in this event.
This is the most fun we've ever had with Fran and Mark here.
This was great.
We have to do it again, and soon.
Well, soon as humanly possible.
- Oh, we're going on a cruise.
- That's wonderful.
Where? When? End ofthe month.
Puerto Vallarta.
Eight days.
- Oh, that's nice.
- Fellow in my office went.
Said it was fantastic.
The food, the weather, unbelievable.
You guys should come with us.
- No, we couldn't.
- No, don't be silly.
We'd love it.
It'd be nice to have the company.
Fran? More company.
For the two of us.
For both of us.
Two couples.
We can go as two couples.
Okay, you misunderstood me.
Because they can'tjust pack up and leave right away, right? You know, that's funny because we can.
The end ofthe month is perfect for us.
You get yourself into these things.
We're going alone.
We're gonna go alone, because I think it's romantic that way.
We were looking forward, but I understand.
- Okay, I'm going.
- Would you please take a cab? - Come on.
The subway's faster.
- The subway is full ofdegenerates.
Well, how am I gonna meet anyone if I take a cab? - We're putting her in a cab.
- No, no, no.
Gee, is it 1 1 :1 5 already? Oh, yeah.
Oh, well, go to bed.
- Thanks for dinner, Selby.
- Don't mention it.
Can you believe this? How can they not realize that Clark Kent is Superman? These people are reporters.
What's going on tomorrow? Oh, I think I'm supposed to go out with that girl Dora.
- The dancer? - Unbelievable legs.
- Ouch.
- Very muscular.
- Whyyou gotta hurt me? - Got a sister too.
- Stop it.
- Honey, you coming to bed? Man, it's like a work whistle.
It's very easy to make fun, isn't it? Let me tell you something.
Somedayyou are gonna hear a voicejust like that.
And amazingly enough, you are gonna say "I n a second, sweetie.
" And you, too, will shove your best friend out the door and go to bed.
You sure you don't want to do something? I love chest hair.
Hey, what you have there is plenty good.
No point in us both having the same thing.
I think my sister knew.
- Yeah, I think Selby knew.
- How? - I told him.
- What? No guy does that without telling somebody.
I guess we haven't lost the magic, huh? - Well, for tonight we have.
- You know what I mean.
See, now I'm afraid you might be out ofthings to worry about.
- I love you.
- I love you more.
Are we having Thanksgiving with your parents or mine? I thought I'd just come visit you at the institution.